Sometimes there’s nothing worse than having your man pull away. It can be especially hurtful and confusing if men pull away when they are falling in love.
Whether your man is falling in love with you, or it’s only the very early stages of a relationship and you’re not sure if he is in love with you, a man pulling away is stressful.
And it’s doesn’t matter how long he pulls away for. Whether it’s a day, a week or a month – it still hurts.
…Because we are talking about a man whom you’ve invested your precious time, your energy and your emotions into.
And so for him to pull away from you at any moment, it’s painful. As a woman, you would feel that his lack of presence leaves a void that is difficult to fill.
But why do men pull away from the relationship? And how can you deal with it in the best way possible when they do?
How can you deal with it as a feminine yet high value woman?
Let me answer those questions in this article. But first: if you’d like to find out for sure how serious your guy is about you, you should take our specially crafted quiz to find out…
Table of Contents
- All good men pull away at some point in a relationship, and it’s not always for negative reasons. Usually it is in order to regain their masculine equilibrium.
- It’s possible for some men to not pull away, but this happens for very specific, unique reasons (see below).
- Some signs he’s pulling away include: him investing time in other things, acting distant, going quiet and texting you less.
Do Men Really HAVE To Pull Away?
Every day my team and I get questions about the topic of men pulling away.
The reality is that men will pull away and withdraw from you and from the relationship. It’s bound to happen at some point.
Some women have argued with me about this in the past. “Don’t make excuses for men!” They say.
I know, I know. Why give a toxic man permission to treat you badly? Why just “allow” him the freedom to pull away?
But before you swiftly adopt the attitude of these ladies, let me suggest that I’m not asking you to tolerate being treated like an option.
I am asking for your patience while I explain the perspective of a good man.
Let’s start by asking a an important question:
Must all men pull away at some point?
There’s a very simple, three-part answer to this question:
- I have definitely heard about men who have never pulled away in a relationship.
Yes, that’s right. There are men who don’t pull away.However, that man who never pulls away is a rare exception.
(And he is able to be the exception, perhaps because he was just in the perfect place in his relationship timeline when he met the woman).It could also be due to the myriad of factors in their unique relationship lining up at exactly the right time.However…(And this brings us to the second part of the answer).
- If a woman says her man never pulls away (which again, is an exception), it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t pull away.
It’s more that she (the woman) doesn’t perceive that he pulls away.Either she ‘gets’ him, so she doesn’t find his actions a threat to her emotional safety.
Or, she has secure attachment style (so his absences don’t bother her too much).It’s also possible that she is more balanced in her masculine and feminine energy, so she is able to understand what her man is doing a little better.
- The man and the woman haven’t had enough conflict in the relationship.When a man and a woman come together and get closer emotionally, inevitably there is conflict.
Unless there isn’t.
There are couples out there who pride themselves on “never arguing” as if it’s something to aspire to. But it’s not.
A complete lack of arguments may simply signal that one or both of them are afraid of conflict, or are completely avoidant people. (MORE: Fearful Avoidant Vs Dismissive Avoidant: Differences & FAQ).
And that’s a problem, because sometimes it’s the conflict in the relationship that causes a man to pull away, but this isn’t always an inherently negative thing.
Not sure if you have a secure attachment style or not? You can find out with out women-centred quiz:
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
Expect Him To Pull Away At Some Point
I know that according to conventional wisdom, this sounds like I’m trying to get you to “lower your standards” and “accept bad behavior” from men.
That’s not true.
Instead, I’m saying this because I managed to discover some deeper truths that most people are too fearful to discover for themselves.
And I know these truths not just because I’ve coached thousands of women, but because I’ve felt the pain of my own man pulling away.
I’ve felt it deeply enough and often enough that I got sick of reacting in fear – I mean I hated my own pattern of anxiety. (Don’t you hate it when you notice the same negative spiral within yourself??)
This lead me to find some real answers – not just fake answers based on blaming a guy.
Here’s the bottom line:
Whether a man is in love with you or not – there will likely come a time when you feel him pulling away.
Pulling away is simply what masculine men have to do sometimes. (And in their mind, they usually do not even realize they’re pulling away!)
This is about understanding his equilibrium as a masculine soul.
But what if he’s not just masculine at his core, he’s actually emotionally unavailable, you might ask?
If you think your man might be emotionally unavailable, you can find out for sure in this article on emotionally unavailable guys.
So let’s discover why men pull away.
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
What Is The Number One Reason Men Pull Away?
Because it serves them.
Yes, because pulling away serves them.
I know you were looking for an answer that makes you feel more certain. But if you stop and consider this answer, you’ll realize that it actually does provide some level of certainty.
Because it’s based on understanding. It may not be based on understanding what you are going through personally, but it is based on what a man has to go through.
It’s not as intuitive for you to find certainty in this, but it is there for the taking when you are ready to find certainty in it.
Men Pulling Away Is Part Of Their Masculine Instinct.
To prevent a man from pulling away is like telling the sun not to rise.
(…and of course, us women pull away from relationships too, but most of the time not for the same reasons as men do.)
They need to re-engage with their identity through their mission, their goals, and their masculine passions.
Even when a man is very much in love with you – he will get to a stage where he needs to do this.
A man who is truly in love with you can usually spend more time with you before he needs to pull away.
Be that as it may, each man is unique and each moment is also unique.
However, having a man pull away doesn’t always mean your man isn’t in love with you.
Sometimes the more in love he is, the more he needs to pull away when everything seems to be going well.
This is because at some point, reality sets in and he realises that he has a very real responsibility inside of the relationship to give to you.
And in order to feel capable as a man to give to you – he needs to feel like he is enough.
To feel like he is enough as a man and as a provider, he may pull away and delve into his goals, missions and passions.
Being worthy as a man becomes the priority in that case, rather than the intense feelings of loving a woman.
Think about it. If a man didn’t do what it takes to find his equilibrium again, he would never become the man he needs to become.
How good would he feel as a man if he couldn’t build his value in order to provide for you?
Now I know what you’re thinking…not every guy pulls away so that he can become a better provider. And you would be right. I will also address that soon.
Let’s quickly cover some of the common signs he is pulling away.
What Are The Signs Of A Man Pulling Away?
- He literally walked out.
- He tells you that he needs space.
- He starts becoming less responsive or ignoring you.
- He starts to invest more time in other things such as: his work/business, his favourite sports or hobbies.
- He leaves you on read consistently more than usual (with the exception of when he’s highly stressed and busy).
- He hangs up the phone on you and doesn’t call back.
- He doesn’t respond to your calls.
- He starts talking to, or pursuing other women.
- He becomes more avoidant overall. If a guy is avoiding you, you know he’s pulling away.
Now, remember not to confuse him being avoidant with him having avoidant attachment (or insecure attachment patterns). These two things aren’t always connected.
Put another way, just because a guy avoids you, doesn’t mean he has avoidant attachment. It could just mean that he’s not ready to be present with you at this point in time, or that he doesn’t feel ready to commit to you.
Would you like to learn the ONE specific emotional trigger that inspires him to commit to you emotionally?
Your Man Pulling Away Isn’t Alway NEGATIVE
Please remember that even though you usually feel his pulling away as negative, it is not always a negative thing.
It is very common for your man to pull away in the early stages of a relationship.
Of course, this does not always mean that your relationship is doomed – quite the contrary.
When he pulls away, or withdraws from the relationship, is the exact time that you get your ‘make-or break’ moment to show your high value as a woman in the relationship.
How To Be A High Value Woman When He’s Withdrawing
I have said this to many women in the past: when men pull away, that’s your make or break moment in the relationship.
Because no man wants to give up his freedom and masculine missions in fear that he has a woman who will control him, restrict him and pull him back.
I only say this because most of us (myself included) have a tendency to respond with fear and neediness when he pulls away.
Look, there are good survival and protective reasons for us doing this.
And there’s really nothing wrong with becoming needy and fearful when he pulls away.
You just need to be aware that if you act from that fear, that can strip value from the “relationship bank”.
Every time you respond in fear; there’s a chance that you’re stripping value from your man and from the relationship.
This is not something for you to be angry about or even to be scared of… this is just something for you to understand and appreciate.
None of this will change the truth of how you feel when he pulls away, though. When he withdraws – it hurts.
The pain is real.
You may not say so out loud. In fact you may act tough by putting on an “I don’t care” face, but deep down, it hurts.
You may get angry. Sad.
You may feel unloved.
You no longer feel like the princess that perhaps he once treated you as.
(On that topic, here’s an article on When He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic: What To Do?)
Whatever your experiences may have been… do not make your feelings wrong. It’s ok to acknowledge your true feelings to yourself.
The difference between a high value, vulnerable woman and a woman who finds it hard to inspire any emotional commitment from men is exactly this…
It’s her ability to feel into her deepest emotions beyond her masks of toughness, anger or vengefulness.
(Obviously, vengefulness has a place. For example, if someone killed your child. But we are talking about a man pulling away here, and unless you 100% sure he intends to hurt you, there’s no need for vengefulness).
Do NOT Make Your Feelings Wrong.
If we as women have become attached or connected to a man, or if a man has any value to us, something happens inside of us.
We naturally become irrationally afraid that his withdrawal from the relationship could mean 3 important things.
- He might sleep with other women and all his resources will go to the other woman.
(Which of course is not always true! It certainly happens with some men. But inside of a relationship, it is usually much less common than what we women tend to think…)
- That he may never come back, and to a woman’s primitive brain, this could mean that she might not survive.
…And hey, let’s be honest here. If we have truly gotten attached to a man, then sometimes, the intensity of the emotions we may have can make us feel like we might die (that’s how intense our feelings can become).
So we try to resist the pain and perhaps get angry at him or beg him to stay. In other words, we are acting out of our own fears.
- A man pulling away could mean that she has just realised she has been used.
(Perhaps it was only a casual sex situation or that he got what he wanted and now she will never see the man again).
If you think you might be in this situation, here’s something that will help.
You can read this article: How To Turn The Tables When He Pulls Away In 7 Fail Proof Steps.
Or this article on the 6 burning signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
And this article on How to Stop Caring About A Guy.
(If you want to hear my thoughts on casual sex, see my series on The Secret Cost for Women When They Have Casual Sex.)
How Do We Show Up In A High Value Way Despite The Fear?
…What can we as women do about this?
And how can we show up as a feminine yet high value woman in those fearful moments?
What if you have an anxious attachment style and find a man pulling away to be too hard to cope with?
You choose understanding over fear first. Let me show you how to do that…
I want you to consider this…
Think about when you’re in a relationship and you feel kind of suffocated.
That’s the stress levels going up from too much closeness.
This ‘too much closeness’ happens much sooner for men than for women when in the context of emotional bonding.
I am talking about emotional bonding here, so keep that in mind.
(This does not mean that us women don’t also feel suffocated at times, of course we do!)
But what happens with men is this: as men get closer in a relationship and things are going well, the oxytocin levels go up in his body as you both start bonding.
Then men will tend to want to pull away in order to rebuild their testosterone levels through their masculine missions.
(As their oxytocin levels go up, their testosterone levels go down and this can cause a lot of stress for men with a strong sense of mission in their life.)
Because let’s think about it from the man’s perspective for a moment…
It is OFTEN through a man’s masculine missions that he is able to provide and bring resources to the table.
That’s how he gets to feel like a man.
As such, your man pulling away could have real positive intent.
Men deal with stress differently – at least in the context of spending a lot of time being emotionally close to a woman in a relationship.
(By they way, on the topic of being feminine, click here to find out how feminine you are deep down in your core in my quiz. I’ve carefully designed these 8 questions to show you exactly how much you are living in your feminine energy and what it really means for you.)
Your Man Pulling Away Could Have Real Positive Intent.
Knowing that men cannot bond with you endlessly, and that it actually produces stress in their body, what can you do?
What I recommend is two things:
- See the positive intent in him pulling away; and
- Know that what feels natural and normal to you, may not feel natural and normal to him.
See, if you assume negative intent, you could be making it much harder for yourself and him.
For us women, it’s harder to relate to becoming stressed due to testosterone levels going down (from spending too much time bonding), because we see a lot of value in that bonding.
This is partly due to the fact that our default is to stay in relationship mode.
We are more likely to feel at home in relationship and connecting… (At least when we’re living in our feminine energy.)
…So from our feminine perspective, we get confused, and we may ask a guy a bunch of questions from our own feminine brain like…
“Why are you pulling away?”
“Why didn’t you call?“
“What’s going on?”
“Do you not LOVE me anymore?”
The problem here is that men and women are hardwired completely differently.
Sure, we are all human. There are aspects that make all of us human.
But there are also elements that make us completely different.
Like the fact that most of us women see the world through our own feminine filters.
So it’s not easy to understand a man’s masculine behaviour through our own filters.
Because what is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman.
Most women are naturally more feminine in their core, and most men are naturally masculine in their core.
This creates what I call masculine or feminine biases in behaviour, especially in relationships.
See, as a feminine woman, your natural bias is to move towards some kind of bonding or attachment in a relationship.
You want to fill up, and you find it harder to let go.
It’s different for a masculine man.
Let’s take a look at a table I made that will briefly help you see the differences between the masculine and feminine energies and biases.
This table will help you understand why men pull away and why the man you’re with may not seem to want to connect or talk all day long.
It’ll also help you realize why he may not want to always be with you, attached to you and connected emotionally.
What Is Intuitive To A Man In A Relationship Is Not What Is Intuitive To A Woman
What is intuitive to a man, can be completely foreign to us as women.
I was speaking to my husband David the other week. And, he brought something up that was like an absolute “Ah-HAH” or a breakthrough for him, but to me as a woman, that breakthrough that he had was …almost commonsense.
It was something that was obviously intuitive for me as a woman, but it wasn’t for him.
I was all like ‘Haha, have you been living under a rock?!’
Yet, if I was to go to my girlfriends and bring that particular thing up; they’d get it…in a heartbeat.
Truth is, there are SO many of these little breakthroughs my husband David and I have all the time about each other. About the opposite sex, about love and relationships…
Because we are different creatures. What is intuitive for him can be counterintuitive or even foreign to me.
Our Pain & Suffering Is Dictated By Our Feminine Meaning…
A man pulling away from the relationship doesn’t have to cause you endless suffering.
It doesn’t have to cause damage to your mental well being, unless he’s controlling and becomes distant as a way to coerce or punish you.
Yes, it can cause difficult emotions.
However, your incessant suffering comes from the meaning you give it when a man withdraws.
The meaning we give an event changes everything. And a bad meaning can be picked up along the way unconsciously.
A bad meaning can sometimes come from a lack of understanding of men, from a previous relationship we had with a toxic man, or even abuse from the man you’re with now.
But unless you know you’re with a man who is deliberately trying to hurt you, how does a bad meaning serve you? Does it serve you?
We as women can give a man pulling away a different meaning, which would lead to us having a totally different experience.
(Of course, simpler said than done.)
By having a greater understanding of men and their masculine world, then we are able to create better meaning and have the ability to show up with greater self esteem and more intrinsic value.
Remember, the reason why you were probably attracted to that man in the first place was his masculine energy, masculine presence and direction.
If you want to know how high value your man is, read this article on signs he is a high value man.
If You Had A Feminine Man, Would You Still Be Attracted To Him?
To help you understand why him pulling away is not always a disaster, let me ask you a few questions:
How would you feel if you were around a man who was highly emotional?
For example: he was able to cry at the drop of a hat, and feel all “lovey-dovey” with you almost every day?
…He is so emotional that he melts like butter. Imagine him being incredibly relaxed and wanting to talk and connect with you all the time.
How would you feel around a man like this?
You may think ‘oh my goodness – I would LOVE if my man would do this!’
Yes, you may – for a couple of days. Eventually, whether you like it or not – you’ll start to lose attraction for him. And you may even be disgusted by him.
In your feminine heart of hearts, you wouldn’t want a man who’s more emotional than you now, would you?
What I am trying to suggest is that a man needs to pull away in order to be the man you are so attracted to.
If he didn’t pull away at some point, your relationship would lose attration and sexual polarity.
You’d also be much more repelled by him.
(Also, don’t forget that the more time you spend together with a man, the more alike you will become, and the less intense the attraction will be over time. But that’s a topic for another day.)
But What If He’s Ghosting Me Or Never Wanted To Commit To Me?
You may be wondering if you should take the advice I’ve given here if you’re being ghosted.
You may also wonder if you should still take my advice if he pulls away for more than two weeks.
The general answer is – no!
Ghosting is very different to a man pulling away.
A man ghosting you means there was never any real connection and attraction between you both in the first place.
It means there was never a real relationship.
It could mean that he was love bombing you.
However, a man pulling away is different.
When men pull away from the relationship, there usually is some connection to begin with.
If you would like to understand more about how to know if he will be sticking around in your life or not, I recommend you read the article 4 Steps To Stay High Value When He Doesn’t Text Or Call.
The Masculine Feminine Polarity Is Why You Have Attraction In The First Place.
Although you get scared or confused when he does suddenly pull away, you also get a chance to see that he is, in fact, a real man.
If he wasn’t living in his masculine core, you’d probably lose attraction for him over time.
It’s because you won’t be feeling his masculine energy. It’s because you no longer feel polarized by him and his energy.
So as a result, you may feel like you’re in a relationship with one of your girlfriends! (You don’t want your man to be like one of your girlfriends!)
In fact, the reason you were attracted to a man in the first place was largely to do with the masculine energy he gave out.
His presence, his strength, intelligence, his sense of humour, his potential to be a good provider, etc.
We want to be in a relationship with a masculine man, but when a man acts differently than we do, we get all hurt, confused and worried.
Sometimes, a relationship and emotional bonding can feel like a burden to a man.
Note: this doesn’t mean that you are a burden. This means that the emotional bonding in a very committed relationship can feel like a burden to a man.
Even if at the same time, it is really the only thing that gives a man that feeling of being alive (a feeling he cannot get when he is alone, without you).
How interesting is that?
I hope what I’ve written so far has helped you gain some perspective on why men pull away.
What To Do If He Is Pulling Away?
First of all:
Instead of seeing your man pull away as a crisis, let’s look at this as an opportunity.
Let’s look at what you can gain from these moments…
When your man pulls away from the relationship, you get an incredible opportunity to:
- Show your high value as a woman and trigger his attraction for you even more; and
- Grow as a woman, and appreciate his masculinity.
Because all men want a woman who shows up as high value and all men want a woman who doesn’t judge him for being a man.
But rather, it’s nice for a man to know that she at least tries to understand and appreciate his perspective, struggles and fears.
And as he recognises how amazingly different you are to other women, he will be inspired to reciprocate, wanting to understand you and appreciate you.
I have put together some special resources for how to stay high value when he pulls away – just click here.
So What Does Your Man Really Want From YOU When He Pulls Away?
If you’re in a real relationship with a man, then here’s what he wants above all else.
He wants to feel like you’re not taking your resources or loyalty to another man, and that he still has you when he comes back to you.
(Obviously, if you are dating multiple men and he is dating multiple women, he may not care at all if you take your resources elsewhere!)
Unfortunately, a lot of people frown upon the idea of ‘being there’ when he comes back these days.
It’s as if this kind of loyalty is mistakenly seen as a sign of weakness.
Well let me tell you, your loyalty to the right man is not weakness.
That is courage. That is character.
If you do the wrong thing with the right man, you could lose him.
This is not to say that you should act like everything was ok and pretend nothing happened while he pulled away.
(In fact, there are some good reasons why it’s ok for you to feel sad and cry. Here’s Why It’s Ok (And Even Attractive) For Women To Cry Any Damn Time.
You should never pretend nothing happened; that would be a lie.
Your needs and emotions are still important.
However, you shouldn’t punish him just because you don’t feel comfortable being authentically vulnerable.
That would just completely break down the communication and the trust between you both.
You would be stripping value from the relationship bank.
Here’s an infographic that will help you understand the stark contrast between actions you take through fear (usually fear of abandonment) when he pulls away, and actions taken through understanding.
If a man has given you reason to trust him – if he has ever given him a reason to think that he genuinely wants to get to know you, there’s no need to punish him.
There’s no harm in being there still, with a willingness to at least give your presence. You don’t have to be a pleaser woman or an approval seeker. This is about being emotionally generous, and cultivating that skill.
What If He Has Never Really Invested In You?
If a man has never really invested emotionally in you, and if you’ve always felt in your gut that he didn’t really ‘belong’ to you emotionally, then being there for him indefinitely would not make sense.
Don’t you agree?
In that case, you should never wait around.
In that case, don’t be afraid to walk away.
See, if you feel in your gut that he’s just ‘keeping you around’ for sex or for his own convenience, then the last thing you should do it waste your time on him.
However, if you have established trust with this man, and you feel that he has invested in you, the key is to keep your value.
Keep adding value to the relationship basket, rather than using your emotions to punish him, which will strip value from your relationship bank!
With The Right Man, The Key Is To Keep Your Value
So the key is to keep your high value, and do that instead of wallowing in the confusion or fear.
How do you do that?
Well, if you’re already in a relationship, you show that you are still loyal to him when you feel fearful.
You show him that you can stick around with an open heart, and be open instead of closed off emotionally.
Unfortunately, most women kind of do the opposite when in a relationship…they don’t show that they will be there emotionally for a man.
Instead, they use their emotions as a weapon against him. They treat the man as if he should have understood the wild emotions she was going through while he was ‘away’.
Punishing a man never strengthened a relationship. It makes you show up low value.
It breaks down yours and a man’s confidence in the relationship and ruins his trust in you.
Staying high value also means to not shut off to your own deep desire for connection.
A lot of women push this down and it causes them to shut off, and close off, and this scares a man deep down inside.
So now let’s answer the question of how much time do you give him before you walk away?
How Much Time Do You Give Him Before You Walk Away?
You may be wondering, when he pulls away, how much time are you supposed to give him?
The answer isn’t so much about calculating how much time you give him.
It’s about feeling into the void that you feel, and getting the feedback and information you need to make a decision about what to do.
If you are a man’s one and only woman (rather than his one of many woman), at some point, it will become very clear to you whether he intends to invest in you and whether he wants to contact you or not.
I would never recommend that you wait around forever. You have your own reproductive timeline that is different to a man’s.
So you need to take care of yourself and look out for your own interests.
Don’t wait around blindly in the hope that he cares.
Again: don’t be afraid to walk away when it’s clear that he wasn’t committed in any way. Or when it’s clear to you that he never intended to invest in you.
Having the ability to walk away is part of being high value as a woman.
So don’t be afraid to walk away.
Just say to yourself:
“NO! This is not for me. I’m going to leave now, and take care of myself. I’m going to make space in my life for a man who sees me as his one and only”.
If indeed he isn’t committed to you, don’t despair. It will all be ok. I know it doesn’t feel that way now – but it will all be ok.
There are still at least 1,000 men out there who’d be interested in getting to know you.
NEVER Be A Man’s ‘One Of Many’ Woman Again
If you have a feeling that you may be in his ‘one of many’ basket, then what you need from now on is the ability and the awareness to make sure that you NEVER get stuck in the category of the ‘one of many’ woman.
Instead, you should always be the one and only to a man. To do that, it’s all about how you show up. I do have a program on that.
Don’t Strip Value From The Relationship Bank
Staying high value doesn’t mean to act like you’re all happy when and if he comes back to connecting with you.
Staying high value means that you don’t strip value from the relationship “bank”.
It simply means not disconnecting deliberately, threatening your relationship, cutting him out emotionally or pulling yourself away from the relationship.
You’re allowed to be angry and hurt.
But don’t use it to punish him or yourself. Simply feel the emotions.
Appreciate what they are trying to tell you. Appreciate that they are trying to protect you.
Pretending we don’t deeply yearn for him only cuts off all the feminine energy we could gift him with.
Remember to always ask yourself – is this adding value to the relationship bank?
Or is this going to strip all the value that I’ve already worked hard to give?
How DO You Show Him That You Are Still Loyal And High Value?
Let’s say your man is indeed invested in you. How to be high value when he pulls away?
First, leave him be.
Let him do what he needs to do.
You can be sad, and you can miss him, but don’t act out of fear.
Don’t send him messages asking him if you should “let go” of him or move on.
That’s something that you would need to feel out for yourself. It’s not his decision. It’s yours.
You must get yourself into an emotionally resourceful place before you do ANYTHING at all.
So to get to an emotionally resourceful place the first thing to do is to breathe and keep breathing, and go to a safe place and let your feelings be felt.
When you’re sure that you feel more empty of your hurricane of feelings, and you’re feeling a little more empty of the ocean of emotions…here’s what you can do next.
Perhaps ask yourself a different question, so you can see all of this from a different perspective.
Here’s some questions to ask yourself to help you move forward:
Where is he at? (Not how do YOU feel about what he’s doing, but where is he at)
What is he wanting to achieve in his life?
Out of 10, how invested is he in me emotionally? (be honest here).
Stay open to the answers. Try to understand that whatever he is doing, there is a reason for it, even if you don’t understand it right now.
He does things for his reasons. You do things for your reasons.
So try not to jump the gun and assume that he is always intentionally trying to make you suffer.
Some men really are trying to make you suffer, but most men won’t go out of their way to do such a thing to you!
They are just looking out for their own interests, just like you are.
Before you ‘let him be’, I want you to remember that the point is not to just leave him and that’s it!
Don’t Punish Him & Shut Off To Him.
The point is to give him his freedom whilst still loving him and not shutting down or closing off to him.
(Loving him doesn’t mean that you over-commit yourself to him blindly. Love is simply a willingness to be open. You can love a teddy bear, a pot plant, a child who is not your own, etc).
This is not to say that you are not allowed to have feelings – of course you are.
Just be ready to own your feelings even if it means you cry when you see him.
If he is not comfortable with your feelings, that is when you need to be the most comfortable with your own feelings first.
If a man seems to not be able to deal with you feeling your feelings, here’s what you can do…
Tell him it is okay, that you just feel a little sad, and that kind of thing happens from time to time, that he has done nothing wrong, and that all will be okay.
I also need to tell you that you ARE allowed to hate him, miss him, love him, hate yourself, hate all of this, want to give up when he pulls away…all of that.
All of that is simply the vulnerability of your feelings shining through. Allow it to speak to you. Let it speak to your heart and your soul.
It is okay to experience all of that.
Just take the high road, be a high value woman and choose not to blame him or intentionally want to make him feel bad about himself or the relationship.
That is called stripping value from your relationship bank.
What If You Guys Were Or Are In A Committed Relationship?
When and if he does come back to the relationship, receive him openly.
Does that mean pretend nothing happened? Nope.
Does that mean acting happy? Nope.
It means to not be in fear, but to stay connected to him even if he isn’t doing what you want him to do.
It means opening your heart and opening your mind and forming a connection in the moment with him.
This doesn’t make you a woman who is being used by her man.
It means you care about him enough to give him his freedom, and at the same time, not withdraw your presence.
If something is truly wrong and he is not the right man for you, you are much more likely to find out when you are open to connecting with him than when you are cutting him off.
A good way of successfully completing this step is simply to remind yourself to breathe, and breathe through your fear.
If you are wondering how you could possible bring him closer to here is an article on How To Make Him Chase You.
If You Ever Get Too Stressed Out Of Your Mind…
And if all of this stresses you out beyond your ability to cope, then ask yourself:
“Do I really want to be in a relationship with another woman? Or do I want to be in a relationship with a MAN?”
Because being in a relationship with a man, and having a man around, means tolerating some different behaviors to your own.
Not toxic behaviors – just different.
The more you fear his need for freedom and emptiness, the more I want you to remember that this is your chance to bring you and your man closer,cultivate more emotional attractionand deepen the connection and commitment.
You see, the truth is that if you show up as a high value woman, and you’re happy giving a man his gift of space, then he’s going to truly come back to the relationship stronger with more to offer you.
I hope that makes sense.
Alright, if you want a deeper understanding (…perhaps step by step guidance) on how you can show up as a high value woman when he pulls away, then I have the perfect thing for you…
A guide on how to stay high value when he pulls away.
Frequently Asked Questions About Why Men Pull Away
When A Man Pulls Away How Long Does It Last?
It depends on the man, and it depends on how attached to you he already was (before he pulled away).
For some men, they could pull away for a month or more. For others, it could be a day.
But really, the reason you are asking this question more related to the fact that it is emotionally hard on you when he pulls away.
This is the problem you need to address. If you are finding it emotionally hard on you, the best thing to do is to decipher whether you’re the one and only woman to him or the one of many.
You can only be in one of these categories to a man.
Simply put: if you’re his ‘one and only’ woman, he will always come back to you. Unless he dies. And then he’ll still try in the afterlife.
If you’re the one of many woman, he will only come back when he wants easy sex and easy company.
When He Pulls Away Do Nothing: True Or False?
Doing nothing doesn’t always serve you. Typically, when women say “when he pulls away, do nothing”, it comes from two places internally:
- The place of needing power; or
- She doesn’t know what to do or how to add value, so she stays passive.
In other words, it’s a power trip, or it’s the fact that they don’t want to chase the guy, but at the same time, they don’t want to lose the guy, so out of fear they do nothing.
Here’s the thing:
If you want to do nothing when he pulls away, then it should be because you know this is what would add the most value to him, or because it’s what you feel like doing (but not from a place of fear).
But you don’t have to do nothing! Just by doing nothing you aren’t making yourself more desirable or high value. You’re just doing nothing.
So instead of doing nothing, work out the most likely reason he is pulling away.
Not every man pulls away for the same reasons.
For example, if you barely know each other, you shouldn’t be surprised when he pulls away, because he and you aren’t invested in each other.
Also, if you weren’t emotionally committed and your relationship was just based on sex, then he will likely be pulling away because the sexual relationship is over and he got what he wanted.
However, if you are both emotionally committed and in a long term relationship, he could be pulling away for several different reasons, such as:
- He needs to recharge his masculine energy
- He needs to solve a problem
- He felt hurt or betrayed by you; or
- If he’s toxic and manipulative, he could be pulling away to control you
Work out why he’s pulled away and then you can come up with a more appropriate response when he pulls away.
Surprisingly, in some contexts the best thing you can do when he pulls away is to reach out in a value-adding way, and that would involve using playful banter:
CLICK here to take our FREE High Value Banter class and get examples of playful banter you can use today.
Also, if his pulling away is hurting you and you can’t seen to recover from the hurt or the anger, then there is one specific phrase I recommend you say to him that will:
- Make you look high value
- Capture his attention; and
- Allow you to test to see how far he’s willing to come to you.
Do Guys Pull Away When They Like You?
From a guy’s perspective, no they don’t. From a woman’s perspective, yes they do.
Let me explain.
When a guy truly likes you, he won’t pull away (from his perspective). He wouldn’t see his own behaviour as ‘pulling away’.
But he will pull away (from a woman’s perspective), because women tend to be more at home in emotional attachment – it is their equilibrium.
Not only is it their equilibrium, they need attachment more than men do by virtue of being women.
Also, having a close, successful relationship ties directly to a woman’s sense of self worth and fulfilment in life.
It doesn’t for men.
Men have to actually make something of themselves. They have to feel like men.
As such, just because a guy goes quiet on you whilst he’s on his weekend fishing trip, doesn’t mean he’s pulling away (in his mind), it just means that in order to successfully ‘hunt’, he needs to block out all other demands on his energy and time.
Why He Pulls Away After Getting Close?
Guys need to do this in order to recalibrate, and get back to their masculine core. Simply put, they do it to feel like themselves again.
How Do Guys Act When They Pull Away?
They act distantand their behaviour becomes avoidant. The key to look for in how he behaves is whether he is investing in you less.
Do Guys Pull Away When They Catch Feelings?
They could. Perhaps their feelings took them by surprise and they don’t know what to do with it. Sometimes when a guy catches feelings, it can mess up with their plans in life.
Alternatively stated, they didn’t plan to have a relationship in their life, much less get attached to or fall in live with a woman.
It disrupts his sense of certainty and direction in life, so they may pull away in an attempt to recalibrate and consider things.
Why Do Guys Pull Away When They Like You?
Because liking a girl disrupts their life plans and mission. They also may not feel like themselves anymore, and so need to pull away in order to find their equilibrium again.
How Do You Respond When A Guy Pulls Away?
Whatever you do, don’t do what most girls do…this is what most girls do:
- Try to act cool like it doesn’t bother them (bad idea).
- Punish him.
- Unleash a bunch of resentment and anger on him.
- Send him multiple texts or emails.
Instead, you want to put yourself in his shoes and feel where he may be at. If the guy had no attachment to you in the first place, and he’s pulled away, then consider it his right to pull away without any further contact.
If you guys are already dating, then perhaps he is pulling away because he needs to feel like a man again (like most guys do at some point).
How Do You Let Him Go When He Pulls Away?
First of all, don’t assume that Because he’s pulling away, that he will never come back. If he’s attached and emotionally bonded to you, he will come back.
If, however, you know in your heart that you and him were never serious, then the best way to let him go is to actually feel the reality of the situation. Don’t ignore the truth because it’s uncomfortable, as you’ll pay a higher price in pain later on.
Sometimes you think a guy likes you and wanted you, but perhaps he was just in it for the convenience. Next time, try to notice whether a guy is serious about you or not, and always test them – don’t assume that interest equals commitment.
Why You Should Never Chase After A Man?
Because chasing is value extracting. In general, chasing behaviour is usually behaviours that’s out of attunement with the person who is being chased.
If you’re interested in turning the tables and having him value you so much that he wants to chase you and hold on to you, then understand how to become a woman of value to him.
Will Leaving Him Alone Make Him Come Back?
Not necessarily. Sometimes leaving a guy alone makes them become more distant, especially if there wasn’t enough emotional connection between you to begin with. (Here are 17 Upsetting Signs He Wants You to Leave Him Alone.)
Sometimes the better option is to reach out playfully. Key word: playfully. Bring value to the interaction and it might work out better than just pulling away harder (because that’s just punishing him as well as yourself).
Why Does He Come On Strong Then Pull Away?
Because coming on strong benefits him. How does it benefit him?
It helps him get the sex, attention and company he wants from you. Women tend to respond reasonably well if a guy is persistent in giving them attention. That’s why men do it.
He then pulls away after coming on strong for these reasons:
- He got what he wanted (no strings attached), so it makes sense to go back to his life now.
- He needs to regain his masculine equilibrium and may be back when he has done that.
- Perhaps he didn’t actually get what he wanted from you, and so he pulls back in order to conserve his energy for other things.
- He’s a pick up artist or player.
How Do You Take Your Power Back When He Pulls Away?
Easy. You focus on these two things:
- Processing your feelings.
- Working out whether you’re in the one and only or the one of many woman basket. (Because there’s a strength and power in knowing the truth, and knowing where you stand.)
What To Say When He Is Pulling Away?
If you’re in his presence, you can say something playful. Banter with him to bring him back. If you lead with playful banter, you may well find that he can’t help but feel more endeared to you.
The best thing about banter is that with guys, it helps open the door to deeper conversations. Here’s how to use playful banter.
Banter is also useful when you’re not in his presence, or when you’re in a long-distance relationship.
OK, that’s all from me. As always, I’m sending you all the love from my heart, wherever you are.
I’ll talk to you soon.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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