Why Do Men Pull Away From You & The Relationship and how to deal with it like a High Value Feminine woman?
(Content Updated 2017)
Sometimes there’s literally nothing worse than having your man pull away from you, from the relationship.
For a moment, for an hour, for days or weeks.
It doesn’t matter.
…Because we are talking about a man who you’ve invested your precious time, your energy and your emotions.
And so for him to pull away from you at any moment, it’s painful. His lack of presence leaves a void that is difficult to fill.
But why do men pull away from the relationship? And how can you deal with it in the best way possible when they do?
How can you deal with it as a feminine yet high value woman?
Let me answer those questions in this article.
Every day my team and I get questions about the topic of men pulling away.
Because the reality is that men will withdraw and pull away from you and from the relationship; it’s bound to happen.
It is a part of their masculine instinct.
(…and of course, us women pull away from relationships too, but most of the time not for the same reasons as why men do it.)
See… the truth is, most men can only take being connected deeply to you for a certain amount of time before they need to remove themselves to find their equilibrium again.
They need to re-engage with their identity in their mission, their goals, and their masculine passions.
Even when a man is very much in love – he will get to a stage where he needs to do this.
(Sure, a man in love can usually spend more time with you before he needs to pull away; but each man is unique and each moment is also unique.)
However, having a man pull away doesn’t mean your man isn’t in love with you – sometimes the more in love he is, the more he realises that he needs to feel like he is enough through his goals, missions and passions.
So it’s important for us women to realise the truth which is…
Your man will pull away at some point.
Of course, this does not mean your relationship is doomed – quite the contrary. When he pulls away, or withdraws from the relationship, is the exact time that you get your ‘make-or break’ moment to show and prove your value as a woman in the relationship.
Because no man wants to give up his freedom and masculine missions in fear that he has a woman who will restrict him and pull him back.
I only say this because most of us (myself included) have a tendency to respond with fear and neediness when he pulls away.
(Look, there are good survival and protective reasons for us doing this – and there’s really nothing wrong with becoming needy and fearful when he pulls away, you just need to be aware that it can strip value from the “relationship bank”.)
Every time you respond in fear; there’s a chance that you’re stripping value from your man and from the relationship. This is not something for you to fear… this is just something for you to understand, and even appreciate.
None of this will change the truth of how you feel when he pulls away, though: when he withdraws – it hurts.
It’s real pain. Wouldn’t you agree?
You may not say it, but it hurts. You may get angry. Sad. You may feel unloved. You no longer feel like the princess that he once treated you as.
Whatever your experiences may have been… do not make your feelings wrong.
That’s right… do NOT make your feelings wrong
Because if we as women have become attached or connected to a man, or if a man has any value to us, then we naturally become irrationally afraid that his withdrawal from the relationship could (key word: could) mean:
1: He might sleep with other women and all his resources will go to the other woman. (Which of course is not always true! It certainly happens but is usually much less common than what we women tend to think…)
2: That he may never come back, and to a woman’s primitive brain, this could mean that she might not survive.
…And hey, let’s be honest here. Sometimes, going through the pain of a man pulling away really can feel like we might die (that’s how intense our feelings can become)– so we try to resist the pain and perhaps get angry at him or beg him to stay.
In other words, acting out of our own fears.
And 3: A man pulling away could mean that she has just realised that she had been used (perhaps it was only a casual sex situation or that he got what he wanted and now she will never see the man again).
(If you want to hear my thoughts on casual sex, see my series on The Secret Cost for Women When They Have Casual Sex. The link is also available at the end of this post.)
So how we do show up in a high value way despite the fear?
What can we as women do about this, and how can we show up as a feminine yet high value woman in those fearful moments?
(By they way, on the topic of feminine, click here to find out how feminine you are deep down in your core by doing my quiz here. I’ve carefully designed these 8 questions to show you exactly how much you are living in your feminine energy and what it really means for you.)
Well before I address that, I want you to consider this first…
Think about when you’re in a relationship and you feel kind of suffocated…That’s the stress levels going up from too much closeness.
This ‘too much closeness’ happens much sooner for men than for women when in the context of emotional bonding. I am talking about emotional bonding here, so keep that in mind.
(This does not mean that us women don’t also feel suffocated at times, of course we do!)
What happens is, as men get closer in a relationship and things are going well, the oxytocin levels go up in his body as they start bonding…. Then men will tend to want to pull away in order to rebuild their testosterone levels through their masculine missions.
(As their oxytocin levels go up, their testosterone levels go down and this can cause a lot of stress for men with a strong sense of mission in his life.)
Because let’s think about it from the man’s perspective for a moment… it is OFTEN through a man’s masculine missions that he is able to provide and bring resources to the table. That’s how he gets to feel like a man.
So him pulling away could have real positive intent. I want you really understand this.
Your man pulling away could have real positive intent.
But for us women, it’s harder to relate to that because our default is to stay in relationship mode, we truly feel at home in relationship and connecting… (At least when we’re living in our feminine energy.)
…So from our feminine perspective, we get confused, and we may ask questions from our own feminine brain like…
“Why are you pulling away? Why didn’t you call? What’s going on?”
“Do you not LOVE me anymore?”
The problem here is that men and women are hardwired completely differently. Sure, we are all human. There are aspects that make all of us human.
But there are also elements that make us completely different, like the fact that most of us women see the world through our own feminine filters and it’s not so easy to understand a man’s masculine behaviour through our own filters.
Because what is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman.
What is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman
What is intuitive to a man, can be completely foreign to us as women. And so a man withdrawing can cause us uncertainty and sometimes even suffering.
I was speaking to my husband David the other week, and he brought something up that was like an absolute “Ah-HAH” or a breakthrough for him, but to me as a woman, that breakthrough that he had was …almost commonsense.
It was something that was obviously intuitive for me as a woman, but it wasn’t for him.
I was all like ‘Haha, have you been living under a rock?!’
Yet, if I was to go to my girlfriends and bring that particular thing up; they’d get it… in a heartbeat.
Truth is, there are SO many of these little breakthroughs David and I have all the time about each other, about the opposite sex, about love and relationships…
Because we are different creatures. What is intuitive for him can be counter intuitive or even foreign to me.
… and get this, we’ve been picking each others’ brain and teaching this stuff for almost decade!
Our pain and suffering is dictated by our feminine meaning…
However, a man withdrawing from the relationship doesn’t have to cause you that suffering. Your suffering comes from the meaning you give it when a man withdraws.
The meaning we give an event changes everything. And a bad meaning can sometimes come from a lack of understanding of men.
We as women can give it a different meaning, which would lead to us having a totally different experience.
(Of course, simpler said than done.)
By having a greater understanding of men and their masculine world, then we are able to create better meaning and have the ability to show up with more confidence and more intrinsic value.
Remember, the reason why you were probably attracted to that man in the first place was his masculine energy, masculine presence and direction.
If you had a feminine man, would you still be attracted to him?
To help you understand why, let me ask you a few questions:
How would you feel if you were around a man who was highly emotional? For example: he was able to cry at the drop of a hat, and feel all “lovey-dovey” with you almost every day?
…He is so emotional that he melts like butter. Imagine him being incredibly relaxed and wanting to talk and connect with you all the time.
How would you feel around a man like this?
You may think ‘oh my goodness – I would LOVE if my man would do this!’
Yes, you may – for a couple of days. Eventually, whether you like it or not – you’ll start to lose attraction for him. And you may even be disgusted by him.
In your feminine heart of hearts, you wouldn’t want a man who’s more emotional than you, now would you?
What I am trying to suggest is that a man needs to pull away in order to be the man you are so attracted to. If he didn’t pull away, you’d be much more repelled by him.
(Also, don’t forget that the more time you spend together with a man, the more alike you will become, and the less intense the attraction will be over time. But that’s a topic for another day.)
The masculine feminine polarity is why you have attraction in the first place
Although you get scared or confused when he does suddenly withdraw, you also get a chance to see that he is, in fact, a real man.
If he wasn’t living his masculine core, you’d probably lose attraction for him over time.
It’s because you won’t be feeling his masculine energy. It’s because you no longer feel polarized by him and his energy.
So as a result, you may feel like you’re in a relationship with one of your girlfriends! (You don’t want your man to be like one of your girlfriends!)
In fact, the reason you were attracted to a man in the first place was largely to do with the masculine energy he gave out. His presence, his strength, intelligence, his sense of humor, his potential to be a good provider, etc….this is all happening naturally, sometimes without you being aware of it.
We want to be in a relationship with a man, but when a man acts differently than we do, we get all hurt, confused and worried.
Sometimes, a relationship and emotional bonding can feel like a burden to a man. note: this doesn’t mean that you are a burden, this means that the emotional bonding and the stress of being in a very committed relationship can feel like a burden to a man.
Even if at the same time, it is really the only thing that gives a man that feeling of being alive (a feeling he cannot get when he is alone, without you).
Here are 2 positive things about when a man pulls away
Instead of seeing your man pull away as a crisis, let’s look at this as an opportunity. Let’s look at what you can gain from these moments…
When your man pulls away from the relationship, you get an incredible opportunity to:
1: Prove your high value as a woman and trigger his attraction for you even more; and
2: Grow as a woman, and appreciate his masculinity.
Because all men want a woman who shows up as high value and all men want a woman who doesn’t judge him for being a man, but rather understands and appreciates his perspective, struggles and fears.
And as he recognises how amazingly different you are to other women, he will be inspired to reciprocate, wanting to understand you and appreciate you.
I have put together some special resources for how to stay high value when he pulls away – just click here. (Link available at end of article too)
So what does your man really want from YOU when he pulls away?
Above all else, he wants to feel like he has a high value woman, waiting when he comes back.
(Unfortunately, a lot of people frown upon the idea of ‘waiting’ when he comes back these days…it’s as if this kind of loyalty is mistakenly seen as a sign of weakness. Well let me tell you, loyalty to a good man is not weakness).
So…the key is to keep your high value. In spite the confusion or the fear.
How do you do that? You show that you are still loyal to him when you feel fearful – that you can stick around with an open heart, and be open instead of closed off emotionally.
Unfortunately, most women kind of do the opposite…they don’t show that they will be there emotionally for a man.
Staying High Value does not mean to act perfect or happy.
It simply means not disconnecting deliberately, cutting him out emotionally or pulling yourself away from the relationship.
Staying High Value also means to not shut off to your own deep desire for connection – a lot of women push this down and it causes them to shut off, and close off, and this scares a man deep down inside.
So how DO you show him that you are still loyal and high value?
Well, you must get yourself into an emotionally resourceful place before you do ANYTHING at all. So to get to an emotionally resourceful place the first thing to do is to breathe and keep breathing, and go to a safe place and let your feelings be felt.
When you’re sure that you feel more empty of your hurricane of feelings, then follow these guidelines.
Leave him alone.
You can be sad, and you can miss him, but don’t act out of fear. Stay open and understand that whatever he is doing, there is a reason for it, even if you don’t understand it right now.
Before you do this, I want you to remember that the point is not to just leave him and that’s it! The point is to give him his freedom whilst still loving him and not shutting down or closing off to him.
This is not to say that you are not allowed to have feelings – of course you are.
Just be ready to own your feelings even if it means you cry when you see him. If he is not comfortable with your feelings, that is when you need to be the most comfortable with your own feelings first.
Tell him it is okay, that you just feel a little sad, and that kind of thing happens from time to time, that he has done nothing wrong, and that all will be okay.
I also need to tell you that you ARE allowed to hate him, miss him, love him, hate yourself, hate all of this, want to give up when he pulls away…all of that. It is okay to experience all of that. Just don’t blame him or intentionally want to make him feel bad about himself.
You have to allow yourself to feel everything!
You just have to actually allow yourself to feel everything; and not resist feeling it by criticising him, cutting him off, giving him the silent treatment, or being passive aggressive.
It’s you resisting yourself and resisting him being a man – that will cause more damage than anything else! Because it’s when you resist yourself and you don’t allow yourself to feel, that
all connection and hope is lost.
When he does come back to the relationship, receive him openly.
Does that mean acting happy? Nope. It means to not be in fear, but to stay connected to him even if he isn’t doing what you want him to do. It means opening your heart and opening your mind and forming a connection in the moment with him.
This doesn’t make you a woman who is being used by her man. It means you care about him enough to give him his freedom, and at the same time, not withdraw love.
If something is truly wrong and he is not the right man for you, you are much more likely to find out when you are open to connecting with him than when you are cutting him off, acting like you don’t need him, or punishing him.
A good way of successfully completing this step is simply to remind yourself to breathe, and breathe through your fear.
If you ever get too stressed out of your mind…
And if all of this stresses you out beyond your ability to cope, then ask yourself:
“Do I really want to be in a relationship with another woman? Or do I want to be in a relationship with a MAN?”
The more you fear his need for freedom, the more I want you to remember that this is your chance to bring you and your man closer, cultivate more emotional attraction and deepen the connection and commitment.
You see, the truth is that if you show up as a high value woman, and you’re happy giving a man his gift of freedom, then he’s going to truly come back to the relationship stronger with more to offer you.
Does that make sense?
Alright – If you want a deeper understanding (…perhaps step by step guidance) on how you can show up as a high value woman when your man pulls away, then I have the perfect thing for you.
I’ve put together the perfect resource for you to be able to show up as a high value feminine woman whenever your man pulls away and withdraws so that you can feel confident in knowing that you’re doing the right thing…
Ok, that’s all from me, as always, I’m sending you all the love from my heart, wherever you are.
I’ll talk to you soon.
P.S. Remember to never make your feelings wrong or push them down. Your feelings are incredibly powerful and they are indeed here to serve you. It’s really just about having a deeper understanding and deeper appreciation of this situation so that you can use your emotions to serve rather than to sabotage. Continue reading about these here…
P.P.S. Leave me your thoughts, feelings and stories below… sometimes we learn the most from each others experiences and stories. So feel free to share your story too!
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