Understanding men: 5 revelations that will help you know how to understand men better, and ease your worries in the process.
You have come here because you want to know how to understand men better, and I commend you for that.
I believe that understanding = knowledge. And knowledge = power.
When you understand men, it gives you superpowers (with men), and though men can be frustrating, understanding men will give you a sense of freedom from your worries in a relationship.
When you are on a quest to know how to understand men, there are two important fundamental principles that I want you to know.
Because I find that it’s very easy to forget all the little details and everything else when you are stressed out or upset about your relationship issues.
And it’s helpful to remember these two fundamentals before you make decisions that you will regret.
Here are the two most fundamental principles on understanding men:
Fundamental principle #1: Most of the things you worry about with men are actually nothing to worry about.
You see, we worry for our reasons, with our feminine hormones and feminine brain.
We think that he is not calling, for example, because we haven’t shown enough interest in him.
And so we call him and chase him out of fear; rather than thinking it through it first.
Yet, the bottom line is that if he wants to call, he will eventually.
As women, we have what we call a feminine bias. We overanalyse and read other meanings into things.
Here’s some examples of this feminine bias and how we think about men’s behaviours:
Oh, did he say that because he actually meant something else?
He looks intense. He must really hate me right now.
Does he really mean what he said?
What does it mean when he said he has a meeting at 5pm?
It means he has a meeting at 5pm.
And men usually mean nothing more than exactly what they said.
And he probably looks intense because he’s busy, focused, or stressed due to missions and projects that he has not finished.
What We Tend To Worry About (& Why We Shouldn’t)
We also tend to worry…
“What if he leaves me for Fiona?”
“What if I don’t compare to other women?”
“What if I am not interesting enough?”
“And what if Shelley is prettier than me and he will leave me for Shelley?”
Let me explain why.
For men, you’re either in their ‘one and only’ basket (in which case, no other woman could ever compare, because you’ve already formed that pair bond with him).
Or, you’re in the one of many basket.
And if you’re his one of many woman, then he wouldn’t compare you to other women anyway.
This is because being the one of many woman means that you’re not better than any of the others.
You’re just one of 100 cupcakes on offer. Thus, you’re just like a different flavour of cupcake icing….
Not better, not worse…
That’s how men think about a woman who is in their one of many basket.
All your imperfections are just a part of what make him love you
First of all, if you’re a man’s one and only woman (rather than the one of many woman), you’re the ultimate woman to him.
All your imperfections are just a part of what make him love you. Men don’t fall in love with perfect women.
So, no. Men don’t compare their ‘one and only’ to any other woman.
This is due to the fact that she is the one they fell in love with and formed a romantic union with.
She is the one and only, and could never be put in the basket of ‘one of many’ women.
(Yes, men categorize women into one of two baskets. The one and only basket, or the one of many basket.)
If you would like to deepen your understanding of how to show up as the one and only woman, I teach the 5 secrets to have him fall in love with you and beg you to be his one and only here.
A man is not going to leave you for a prettier woman!
It does not work that way. Men leave a woman if they do not feel any emotional attraction and emotional connection for her.
They leave if the woman doesn’t show up high value.
(High value is mostly about your radiance, your responsiveness and a few other things which I discuss in my article 3 Things that Make You A High Value Woman to Men.)
In a similar vein, we think our boyfriend or husband didn’t do that thing for us because he doesn’t love us enough or care enough.
But really, it’s usually because he didn’t feel, see and hear our request in the form of our emotions.
Ie: he didn’t feel and see our request in a way that would give him urgency and compel him do it for us.
It’s only feeling our emotions that can do that. It’s usually not because a man doesn’t care, but our feminine brain interprets his actions that way.
(If you’re with a toxic, narcissistic man, then this won’t apply. As this kind of man will only abuse your emotions further).
Fundamental principle #2: Men are not bigger, stronger, faster females.
….They are men!
One of the most damaging things you can come to believe is that men aren’t that different from women.
In one way, it IS true. They aren’t that different from women.
But in many ways, they are very different from women.
And they are different to women when it comes to their reproductive agenda.
This means that we always have to be open to questioning the meaning that we place on what men do.
You see, we assume we know why people do things.
And we assume we know why men do things.
Usually, we are wrong, especially when it comes to making assumptions about men.
Most women can’t see past their own feminine bias of thinking.
Nor can they see past their own thoughts, into a man’s world.
But it’s important to have this skill!
(If you want to have the skill of knowing how to read a man, try our Understanding Men Course here.)
If you can have this level of openness and humility with men, then you will develop an infinite capacity for understanding men!
As you understand more, you can feel infinitely confident with men, and worry much less.
The fact that men aren’t bigger, stronger faster women doesn’t always mean that men can’t do what women do, and vice versa.
It just means that a woman is the better person to do some particular things.
(Like, breastfeed the baby! Because she has an innate gift and biology for it.)
These innate differences go beyond social constructs.
They also go beyond political agendas to try to get women to think that men and women are essentially the same.
It’s also these innate differences that causes emotional and physical attraction.
However, even though it’s our differences with men that cause attraction, it’s also these differences that cause misunderstandings and pain.
For more on accentuating your attractiveness to men, Click here to get your “Goddess Report.”
Through all my own struggles understanding my husband, here’s the best thing I’ve discovered:
Male and female differences cause us pain. Despite that, the universe DID make sure that women are well taken care of…
Take advice on men from your girlfriends with a grain of salt
As much pain as the differences between men and women cause us, evolution has also made us work perfectly together in many ways.
As a woman, evolution didn’t ditch you and make you suffer forever.
You are actually far better taken care of than you or any other woman would ever have you believe.
As long as you take understanding men seriously, you will be in a much better position to protect yourself, and know have to navigate the waters with men.
It’s just that taking dating or relationship advice from girlfriends often makes us dumber, and more stressed.
Women get women…
This is because most women get women; they don’t get men!
Which means that 99 percent of what women think, and the meaning we place on male actions, is incorrect and only causes us more worry and anxiety.
When you stop taking advice from friends who may not be good at getting out of their own heads and in to your man’s head…
And when you stop taking advice from friends who may not want the best for you…
You start to trust your own decisions more.
And that’s a good place to be.
When you trust the poor quality female advice less, and develop your own direction more, you may start to see that men actually want to be there for you!
They want to commit to you, and take care of you.
In fact, my husband wrote a popular article sharing that there are 3 very good reasons why all men secretly love to commit.
Evolution made men this way!
But men are wired to take care of a certain type of woman.
The right woman! The woman they see as high value.
Understanding men Tip: Men are responding to you.
Try to remember that men are responding to your energy.
And of course, women are always responding to how men show up around them too.
What does this mean?
This means that how you show up around men is crucial to your relationship success.
If you show up as low value, or less than you can be, you will get far worse than low value in return.
Sometimes, you get nothing. But when you show up as a high value woman, you get far more than you bargained for.
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
What do you Worry about when it comes to MEN?
I can remember the days when I’d stress constantly about how a man I liked might think of me.
I was also very quick to make terribly wrong assumptions about men that were…well, wrong!
Wrong enough that assuming these things was just ignorant of me.
Have you ever worried incessantly about being cheated on?
Ever worried about him checking out other women?
I guarantee you have no idea how much you totally over-stress issues with men that actually don’t exist, or aren’t true in his world.
As a woman, you are wired to worry when you are in a fearful state.
But as a woman, you also have a lot more power with men than you have been lead to believe.
You have the power with men more than you know right now, even as you are reading this. And your knowledge of men is your power with them. This is the basis of my program “Understanding Men” (check it out by clicking here).
Your FEELINGS about Men aren’t wrong…but your perception of men is.
Let me make this clear:
Your feelings in response to men are not wrong.
They are your feelings, and they are here to help you.
As a woman, you know that your feelings are the truest and most real thing in your life.
After all, as women, we have feelings about everything!
The thing is, you have to remember that they are your feelings.
Do you know what that means?
It means they are not a man’s feelings.
Which means that the man you are dealing with doesn’t do the things he does for the reasons you think he does.
(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)
When Men “Look” at other women…
I’ll give you a little example of how men don’t do the things they do for the reasons we think they do it.
The other day I was driving to the mall, and I stopped at a red light.
While waiting for the lights to change, I looked to my right to see…two men in a car, staring at something to my left. And they were very concentrated on this particular thing.
I turned to follow their gaze, and saw a man in a car to my left, also staring intently at this as-yet-unknown thing.
Two seconds later, I see two young women in bikinis washing cars. lol.
Now… because I understand men, I can laugh at this and not just roll my eyes in fear and anger.
But I have a question for you: What is your instinctive, gut-level reaction to this?
Do you sigh in disgust?
Would you worry that your boyfriend or husband might look at those bikini clad girls too, if he was in the car with you?
What are you really worried about? That he thinks those half-naked girls are better than you? That he wants to have sex with them?
The answer to all these fears is a resounding “No.”
Understanding men tip: Men are wired to observe & take in information objectively
See, it took me a while to get this. Men are conditioned as hunters (and also just as humans) to take note of changes in their environment.
It’s very important for any man to be knowledgeable and aware of his environment. After all, his knowledge (and his ability to retain that knowledge are a part of what makes him valuable as a man!)
So to them, the bikini clad girls are actually like, “Oh. Gee, that’s novel. There’s a bikini car wash in Melbourne, Australia? I’ve never seen that before! OK then!”
Lights change. Moving on now. Minutes to half an hour later, most men will have forgotten all about that bikini car wash and the girls there.
They’re wired to observe and look.
I will be truthful: some men might want to have sex with those women, but those men are usually the men who consistently feel a lack of feminine energy in their life.
They are the men who don’t feel that women desire them. they are the desperate men. They are the men who feel deprived.
The question is: Do you have a deprived man? Do you have a desperate man? Do you have a man who treats every new attractive woan he sees as a sexual opportunity?
If so, your worries might be well-founded.
We are always obsessed with the things we perceive that we can’t have.
So, a man who hasn’t felt confident with women, a man who doesn’t feel desired by women or high value; is going to get desperate for sex because he is not ‘full’ within himself.
His life is lacking already, so any easy perceived opportunity means a lot to him. Does that make sense to you?
Are you Attracting Desperate Men?
The worry really is: Why did you attract this particular man into your life?
If you have a man who always seems to be looking around for sexier women…then you have a legitimate concern.
What should you do?
Well, we need to first of all acknowledge that
1: He may not be a good catch (maybe he’s even toxic), or
2: He needs to feel more abundant feminine and sexual energy from you.
Here’s an article I have for you on How to be More Feminine: 18 Ways of a Soft, Feminine Woman.
Sometimes, some men are losers.
Other times, (more often than we’d like to admit), we are not taking enough responsibility in our relationship to give him the value that he wants.
Instead of offering value, we get stuck in worry, fear and blaming him.
We must consider why we attract the type of man that we attract
If you do have a man who is always sleazing around…why is he in your life?
The answer is possibly because you are desperate for something as well — maybe attention… maybe variety… maybe the (so-called) security of having just any man around.
Maybe you’ve felt your whole life that you’re undeserving of a high value man.
Or maybe somebody unfairly made you feel inferior to other women (which is never true).
So you feel deprived on some level that you don’t get enough attention, which is why the first man who seems to give attention to you, will do.
It’s not your fault. It’s just what you’re going through.
But once you become aware of this belief and relax into the reality that it doesn’t serve you, you can dismantle it.
Then you can start showing up in ways that better express your true worth — and attract better men.
Regarding the bikini car wash:
Would you be surprised if I told you that men would look with the same concentration at a row of 10 rabbits running across the road?
And that they’d look with the same level of detachment and lack of emotion?
If it does surprise you or make you angry, or you just don’t want to believe me, that’s OK.
That’s what we do as women.
We make things big in our minds, and we want to be reassured and convinced. Again and again and again.
How to Understand Men: 5 Insights on Men to Ease Your Worries
Right now, I’m going to share those five insights about men you should know before worrying yourself sick.
Insight #1: Men judge you far less than you think they do.
Most of the time, it does not serve men to judge women.
It only serves a man to judge a woman when the woman is obviously showing up very low value (and he needs to deflect her from his life ASAP).
More often than not, men are not judging you.
Men don’t think of you the way other women might think of you. In fact, it has been proven by scientists that women have consistently higher levels of disgust than men.
And this sex difference is apparent in a wide array of outcomes. For example, mate choice, job selection, food aversions, and psychological disorders.
I’ve long observed that men are overall less disgusted, turned off and therefore less judgemental than women. Women’s threshold for disgust is simply lower.
Yes, I do believe the fact that women are more easily disgusted than men ties into women being more judgemental.
And other women can be harsh with their judgements of other women, because of competition.
Women sometimes need to look at the flaws or inadequacies of other women.
They do this so that they can alert themselves, and the men in their lives, of the imperfections of other women: their competition.
Women then use this information to denigrate their rivals and avoid losing access to their man.
With women, the smaller she feels, the more she needs to be judgmental in order to keep threats at bay.
it doesn’t make sense for men to judge women unless they see her as low value
Biologically it doesn’t make sense for men to engage in judgement of women, because if a man is really judgemental, then he will lose sexual access to women.
And sexual access to women isn’t always easy or available to most men (Women mostly call the shots when it comes to sex).
He is likely more worried about whether you’re open to having sex with him, or if he has feelings for you.
He’s more worried about impressing you.
And, he’s also probably already forgotten that silly thing you said, shortly after you said it.
This is because masculine men are generally more interested in having sex with you and/or enjoying being around your beautiful energy than they are focused on judging you.
Now, if you know me and my work at all, you know that I firmly believe there are very few absolute truths in life, and that everything is contextual.
So I want to clarify, and say that yes, some men will judge you – but most men won’t.
And you will feel that if you just pause, allow yourself to be attuned, and feel where he is at.
The men who actually spend time judging you and talking negatively about you are usually the world’s smallest men.
They are not the rule.
They are just jaded, emotionally closed, and perhaps fearful men who wouldn’t try to court you anyway, out of fear of rejection.
That wasn’t me judging men….that is just how it is.
From early on, masculine men spend their entire lives trying to gain skills.
They need skills in order to be enough to be worthy of a high-value, high-status woman’s attention.
In fact, I have three sons, and to my shock, my oldest son began impressing girls from the young age of….have a guess?
Just two years old!
Understanding men: what the masculine world is actually like
Most men’s lifelong inner experience goes something like this.
OK. I’m a male. I like females. I like them a lot. If I want to be worthy and enough in this world, I have to prove myself, and earn respect by making enough money, being funny enough, strong enough, etc.
That was my attempt at speaking like a male, which, as a female, is the best I could muster.
But I think you know what I’m saying. As women, we don’t have to do nearly as much to get sex and attention.
To get an emotional commitment, that takes a lot more as a woman. But to get sex or easy, cheap attention? We literally have to do nothing for that. It’s not the same for men.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent quite a considerable amount of time in your life trying to do things to get a man’s attention, when you could have worried a lot less, simply enjoyed yourself, and that would have done the job.
Because men don’t care about all the little details you think they do, or judge you for them.
As far as I can tell, men will much more likely just be indifferent to you than they will give a damn about judging you.
They may not even care about you because they’ve already met their one and only.
Insight #2: Men don’t leave you because you weren’t good enough
Men leave for many reasons, but mostly it comes down to how they feel when they are with you.
They usually leave because there was no good reason to stay with you.
Meaning, the relationship didn’t add enough value to their life that it was worth staying in.
Sometimes men leave because they felt bad enough about themselves around you enough times that it was time to call it quits.
Remember this: commitment naturally takes value from men. Much in the same way as men’s consistent, seemingly never-ending desire to have sex with a woman can take value from women.
For a committed relationship to be worth it to a man, it has to add value to his life.
And that means he needs to be with a woman who is emotionally free, who lets herself be High Value, and whom he is emotionally attracted to.
(Physical attraction is never enough for a man to get into a committed relationship with a woman).
What is one specific emotional trigger within every single man in this world that inspires him to WANT to commit to one woman, take care of her, worship her and only her? Check out this one specific emotional trigger here.
Insight Number #3: Men don’t actually want you to hold everything in & pretend everything is OK.
Most women, when they are initially dating a man in the first months or years, feel that they have to pretend nothing happened when something upsets them badly.
They want to hide these emotions from a man because they subconsciously believe that if he were to know how she really feels, then he would not love her or be with her anymore.
Truth is, yes, some men will leave you (or even abuse you) if you feel and express your emotions.
That’s the first sign you should leave him.
But most men would not leave you for feeling emotions.
In fact, it’s actually your ability to feel and embody your primary emotions that will allow him to relate to you.
You don’t have to “act” like a cool woman all the time
So, if you are of the belief (unconsciously or consciously) that you you have to act cool and not feel around men, move on from this terrible belief, and do something silly — like actually expressing yourself!
Now, please. Do not treat this as an opportunity to simply unleash all your old resentment and hatred onto a man. This borders on abuse. And plenty of women abuse men every day with their bursts of toxic, pent up emotions.
Don’t take this overboard if you have only had one date with a man.
You need time to prove your value to each other before you can even think about unleashing “the crazy.”
But believe it or not, soon enough, if a man is masculine and you have attracted this masculine man into your life, he won’t mind you expressing yourself vulnerably and authentically in the moment.
In fact, he’ll mind your holding everything in!
Holding things in is not good if you want a commitment, and it’s not good if you want your man to be a better man.
If you would like to learn more about how to express yourself vulnerable and authentically, see my article on how to be vulnerable without being NEEDY.
Understanding men tip: it’s not attractive to hold back your responsiveness or pretend you don’t feel
It is also not attractive to pretend you don’t have intense feelings in response to him.
Holding emotions in, or withholding your responsiveness is like not letting yourself do a sh*t. You can only do it for so long until…it all bursts out in a horribly epic manner.
Yes, feelings work like this. You have feelings whether you like it or not – and holding them in all the time is disrespecting yourself.
Sometimes, unleashing your feelings is inevitable (because you can’t keep a sh*t from 2 weeks ago inside permanently).
And unfortunately, you have to go through that stage in order to become more responsive in real time and calibrated in your relationship.
I just dearly hope that your man is not on the receiving end of a vile outburst that carries resentment or emotions from 5, 10 or 20 years ago (that may not even be about him!)
Because I have done that before to my man, and I still feel a lot of guilt about it. It’s hard to admit you’re the cause of your lover’s pain, but I’ll be the first to admit that I have slipped over to that dark side before, sadly.
(Yes, he knows I’m very sorry, but it doesn’t change the reality of the action I took at the time of course).
Thankfully, I learned not to do that anymore years ago, and we have been much happier since.
Try not to throw blame & resentment around
So knowing all this…you MUST try your best not to throw resentment around, or blame or criticise. I don’t care how angry and hurt you get – no blaming!
This is actually one of the top 7 skills for being a classy lady. To relinquish the need to blame.
I would rather you yelled “I’m hurt. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m scared!” over and over and over and over, and became so angry that you cried.
Men can recover from an expression of your authentic, primary emotion (even feel relieved after living with a contemptuous, cold woman for months).
But it’s harder to recover from a woman trying to keep him down and make him feel small. Because that restricts the one thing men want to feel with you – freedom.
Also, holding feelings in doesn’t keep the right man around.
The right man wants you to be alive, responsive and to share yourself. Remember, I said express, not blame. If you want more on this, see my article on how to express yourself in a way that won’t make him pull away or go cold.
If you want a man to love you for you — well then, you need to be you.
It’s not helping you to reject yourself and your emotional expression when all you’re truly yearning for is to step out of your own shell.
You don’t have to act like a little girl, but you can use the 5-year-old-girl you once were who simply played, and expressed, and did silly things — as a stepping stone to finding yourself.
You’ve probably disowned her… and she doesn’t like it! Try inviting her into your world again!
Insight #4: When your man doesn’t do what you wish he would, you can be sure it is because you haven’t communicated your needs to him in a way that he understands.
You may think this means I’m putting the blame on you.
No, not at all. In fact, when I discovered this, it felt like a gift, a well-kept secret, and a reason not to worry.
When I discovered this, to me it felt like: Thank God, maybe many men actually do want to be there for you? They want to be your hero? And this is not just your boyfriend, but even male friends and relatives, too!
What a novel concept that other women could never tell you!
Men respond most to primary emotion. Ie: men respond to raw emotion and vulnerability.
If there’s something that you need so much that is makes you cry genuinely, then he will be more likely to get what you need for you.
By the way, this is how I got one of my clients to get her man to marry her! I taught her to say these 3 simple words and he married her in 7 days. I am not even joking. Join in on this class my husband and I taught to hear how she did it.
Raw emotion works. You’re best to speak his language if you care. Raw emotion speaks to him the most.
The only catch: Men don’t want to be there for an unresponsive woman!
Women who don’t reward them with their responsiveness or feminine energy.
So, respond or reward your man — through your eyes, your gestures, your body movements, and your smile — basically, with your willingness to stay connected in love.
Just beware: The longer that you have withheld your responsiveness or gratitude…the longer you have withheld your happiness and loving energy from a man, the longer the path you will have to regain his trust.
Insight Number #5: Men wish YOU Understood them deeply.
When you put your focus on how to understand men, then it becomes easy for you to become a high value woman.
Not only that, when you learn how to understand men, you also stop worrying.
Understanding men means that you can have the freedom to stop feeling, or getting hurt and upset all the time.
When you’re hurt and upset all the time, you can’t be present and your feminine energy doesn’t show up. You’re tight and controlling. And that is not pleasant from a man’s perspective — or anyone’s perspective, especially your own.
And look: When you understand men, men find it easier to give you what you need, and be the men you want them to be for you.
There is an incredible allure to women who understand men. Because these women are usually higher value, less defensive, and more radiant because of the lowered stress that comes from understanding men.
Men are drawn to this kind of allure like bees to honey, and they want to commit to you just to own that allure — to own your soul for life.
By the way here’s a top article my husband wrote for you on 5 Things Every Woman Ought to Know About Men.
Understanding Men is more powerful than makeup & a slimmer body
The key to getting that genuine commitment from a high-caliber man is not make-up. It is not a slimmer body.
These are the feminine brain’s solution! What men care about is a woman’s energy.
Remember that! Open your eyes… and take a look around at all the attractive, successful men committed to far less attractive, perhaps jobless, and perhaps very overweight women!
The key to men is actually understanding men.
You see, men who are masculine at their core (about 80 percent of the males in the world, according to various researchers) often don’t have many words.
Especially when it comes to their feelings. They don’t talk all that much about how they feel, and many don’t even understand what that word means in many contexts. which is like a foreign planet for you and me!
We get feelings, and we can speak about them well. But when you try to talk to a man about them, he might just go quiet or look blankly back at you.
Here’s the BEST thing you can do, moving forward…
You can’t turn him into a woman, so the very best thing you can do is to put the love, thought and care into learning about understanding men.
The more you are willing to do this, the more that men will approach you for the right reasons (not for sex), and the quicker relationships will start to fall into place for you.
Now I want to make you an offer. I want you to experience the freedom, self-confidence and joy that I have through understanding men.
So here’s what I’ve done: I’ve created a course on this very subject with my husband. It’s designed for you to become the goddess you were destined to be with men, and it will eliminate your anxiety, confusion and mistakes with any man. I invite you to join me and my other members in the exclusive Members Area, where you can start Understanding Men. Click here to read more about this popular program:
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… If you want to learn how to show up as the “one and only” woman, Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
P.S. Connect with me on social media.
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
- Here’s The Feminine Woman Facebook page…
- Here’s my Instagram Pages TheFeminineWoman & My Personal Instagram.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.