How To Be Vulnerable Without Being Needy (With Examples)

How to be vulnerable with a man?

How do you show vulnerability without crossing over into needy territory?

The definition of ‘vulnerable’ from the Cambridge dictionary is: ‘able to be easily physically, emotionally, or mentally hurt, influenced or attacked.

This is the official definition of being vulnerable.

Are Women More Vulnerable than Men?

We are all vulnerable. However, I believe women are especially vulnerable according to the traditional definition of vulnerability.

In fact, I’d argue that women with a feminine essence are the most vulnerable.

Why are women extra vulnerable?

We are extra vulnerable because we are (whether we like it or not), not as physically strong as men. Even if a man is smaller than you, he’s still stronger.

However, more than that is the reality that we women have a womb. Men don’t.

Due to that fact (among many other factors), we can get emotionally attached quicker than men.

This leaves us with an intense emotional vulnerability that many women prefer to avoid or sweep under the carpet.

Due to a woman’s inherent attachment to, and focus on love and relationship, we get emotionally attached. We also tend to hold onto things for longer in matters of love, dating and relationship.

Yes, it’s a challenge to be a woman! It’s a huge responsibility to be a woman. This is why it’s important to honour your innate vulnerability, rather than avoiding it.

When you avoid it, you not only show up less feminine, you also create for yourself horrible problems with men.

Why?

Due to the fact that when we push our vulnerable feelings under the carpet, we are leaving issues and problems to pile up. However, these will eventually burst out later on.

The Question is: Do Men See You as Vulnerable?

By nature, all humans are vulnerable.

All women are vulnerable.

However, doe others (especially men) feel and see you as vulnerable?

Quite possibly not.

This is because most of us are very bad at being vulnerable. In fact, most of us don’t run in peer groups that support vulnerability and nor do we live in a society that fosters vulnerability.

In many parts of the world, what is valued is small talk, being ‘cool’, fitting in, having a safe peer group, getting a great career and being well off.

None of the typically valued things in modern society support us as women when we are on a quest to be vulnerable with a man.

So, authentic vulnerability is something that we must to commit to cultivating ourselves.

It has to be a standard through which we live by. And we have to decide to be more vulnerable because we care about connecting with a man.

Not because we assume that if we were to be more vulnerable, then he would be manipulated into being there for us.

Being vulnerable is never authentic unless it is pure. When it’s pure, it fosters a healthy emotional connection between a man and a woman, and it makes a man fall deeply in love with you!

How can you be more vulnerable?

How can you show vulnerability?

More specifically, how can you be vulnerable with a man? It’s easy to be vulnerable with our girlfriends, but it’s harder to be vulnerable with a man, because it usually feels like there’s more at stake.

I’m not meaning to be flippant, but the short answer to the question ‘how to be more vulnerable?’ is BE vulnerable.

Let me share an example with you.

Examples of Authentic Vulnerability

Imagine a homeless man. He’s all alone in the street, without food, water, shelter and human companionship. He sleeps on the park bench during freezing winter nights and his mental health is all but ruined.

Imagine him feeling the plight of his situation. He sinks into a despair so great that he cannot hold back his emotion. So he starts to really feel his sorrow and pain. He surrenders to the aches in his joints and the anguish in his heart.

You walk past and you see the tears falling from his face. You see his back and forth rocking, his arms cradling himself in a futile attempt to get warm.

This is a man in full grieving. It’s him being vulnerable, and there’s no way around that fact.

The Difference Between Vulnerability & Neediness

Let’s contrast this emotional, vulnerable response of the homeless man with a needy response.

Now, make a mental picture in your mind of the same homeless man just begging for money on the street.

In the first example, this homeless man is completely vulnerable. He’s just feeling no matter what anyone says or thinks of him.

In the second example, he’s taking value.

Both of these responses from the homeless man are due to the same cause – his plight. However, these two reactions feel different to the people around him.

How to be Vulnerable? Feel Authentic Emotion, Don’t be Needy!

When this homeless person was feeling, was he needy?

No, not at all. Perhaps the odd person here and there might label him as needy, but the essence of what he is doing is not needy.

He’s just feeling!

His second response of begging for money in the street however, that would indeed come across more needy.

How to be Vulnerable with a Man? Don’t Send Your Boyfriend Multiple Abusive Text Messages

Now I would like to use the example of a woman in a fairly new relationship with her boyfriend. They’ve been together for around 3-9 months.

One day, this woman starts to feel frustrated that her boyfriend isn’t spending that much time with her. She’s feeling lonely and wants his company, but he seems too busy with work, family and friends.

She’s getting to a point where her emotions are about to burst.

As an outlet, and as a way to be heard, she sends 25 abusive text messages to her boyfriend.

“Why haven’t you called??!”

“We’re breaking up now. Bye.”

“Don’t you GET it? I have needs too!”

That’s one way that she can try to feel. It’s not a good way, but at least she gets a little bit of her frustration out.

Now let’s imagine that instead of sending 25 abusive text messages, this woman gets a pen and a notepad, and writes a letter to her boyfriend.

Process Your Emotions, Write Them Down in A Letter

She writes….

“I was just thinking of the time we went for that walk along the beach while the sun set. I live for moments like that!”

“I also thought about that time we went to the circus and spent the evening together. Gosh, I miss you SO much.”

Does this cross over into ‘needy’ territory?

No.

In fact, if she writes a letter to him, later on if she feels like she blamed him or wrote things that would only cause damage, she has the choice to throw that letter away.

How to Be Vulnerable? Surrender to Feeling

Consider if this woman was to simply feel. Perhaps she doesn’t prefer to write a letter right now, but she’s bursting at the seams with anger.

So, she surrenders, just like the homeless man, and she feels it.

Would that come across differently to when she sent the 25 abusive text messages?

Sure, she might be alone when she feels (and she also might not be alone). But the very act of feeling allows the emotion a time and place.

This leads her towards a healthier way to manage and deal with her own emotions. It allows the emotion an outlet without abusing her boyfriend.

You see, the damage done by neediness is not done because we had feelings.

How To Be Vulnerable With A Man? Don’t be Too Scared or Too Lazy to Feel.

Of course, not all neediness is abusive or ultimately even damaging.

We are all needy at times. That’s ok inside of a healthy relationship between two invested people.

It’s the ‘neediness’ that borders on abuse that becomes toxic.

But let’s try our best to take responsibility for being there for ourselves before we take it out on men.

Remember that just because we are women and we are emotional, doesn’t give us the right to let it out in an abusive way.

Let’s take responsibility for feeling, before it all becomes too much that the pipes in the sewer burst, and  ‘you know what’ splatters all over someone that doesn’t deserve it.

Finally, have you ever wondered if there’s one specific thing, an emotional hot button, that when triggered inside a man, makes him want to commit to ONE woman, take care of her, worship her and only her? If you would like to find out what this special hot button inside of every single man on earth is, you can find out here.

I also have an article on 4 Top secret Ways to Access Your High Value Vulnerability and a very special and much loved video by my husband on this same topic.

Love,
Renée.

(By the way – YES, it’s ok to be fully vulnerable. Don’t let other people’s opinions of you get in the way of you doing you. Ok?)

renee wade how to be vulnerable

P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link

P.P.S. Here are 7 Common Signs A Woman is Low Value in the Eyes of Men.

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ChemChem
ChemChem

Hello Renee! You article was great, but i have some questions…What about the times when you are genuinely angry? I know that it is not high value, but sometimes (thank god rarely) i am needy, selfish, entlitled and angry. I try to be less like that, but if it happens i own it…Disowning our dark and ugly parts will make us flat and boring… It would be ideal if we could take the high road and compromise our ego but sometimes we fail. Rage is a primary emotion, and if owning our emotions is vulnerability, what should we do then?… Read more »

Rose
Rose
Reply to  ChemChem

Using “I” messages helps in times like this. All feelings are valid. There are times that the partners behavior is not acceptable- you can talk about that (usually after you calm down a bit). I like to read Gottmen’s work around this stuff, what you are describing is what they call one of the 4 horsemen – poisons to relationships.

Kay
Kay
Reply to  ChemChem

Yeah, what about light and dark energy or femininity? Why save him the blunt of it if what he does is hurtful or why not be open to him about it and scare him a little bit or make him respect you too? Shouldn’t a man respect a woman if he wants it himself? Should we always strive for commitment when we have to work so hard or be vulnerable and appear soft so we can be taken advantage of then laughed at? If he doesn’t love you at least he can respect you so there are ways he’ll treat… Read more »

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