There has to be some decent reason why men ghost, right?
Why would he disrespect you, or cause you that much pain, out of nowhere?
In this article, we answer the question of why do men ghost, as well as give your pain a purpose.
And I say give your pain a purpose, because if this man or your interactions with him mattered to you at all, there’s going to be some hurt, anger and disappointment for you to process through.
Even if it’s not just anger about him – but moreso about pent up anger from past experiences of being abandoned by men.
I mean, how can a man show so much interest in you, and then disappear completely?
How can he be so warm and then go ghost?
How could he even imply or boldly claim that he likes you, invite you out to dinner, and then completely disappear?
Some men are even more brazen. They’ll even say that they see some kind of future with you, only to turn around, disappear and never speak a word to you again. Whyyyyy?
I can remember the feeling of being ghosted. Not just by a guy, but by a friend.
I remember the hurt, confusion and the anger I felt. Why couldn’t they have just communicated something?
Was it really that hard?
In one case, before I found my husband (when I was quite young), one guy ghosted me completely and then years later, he came back.
So, I understand. Being ghosted is rude and hurtful. But it’s important to realize that ghosting someone is not just about men ghosting women.
Women ghost men, too.
Friends ghost friends. Family can also ghost other family members.
As a woman, you naturally desire secure emotional attachment
Before we get into the reason why men ghost, I want to emphasise one thing quickly.
And that is that as a woman dating men, you naturally desire secure emotional attachment.
You may not be consciously aware of how much this desire drives you when dating guys, but it’s there.
Even if you have an anxious attachment style or an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you still err towards needing and seeking out that feeling of emotional bonding.
That’s your equilibrium most of the time. Not all the time, I’m sure. But most of the time. Especially with a man of value.
This means that somewhere down the line, you will have an intense emotional response to being ghosted.
This might be an intense anger response or a hurt response to a man ghosting you.
You may tense up and avoid feeling the anger or hurt, but it’ll still be there.
I’m bringing this up because it’s important for you to be aware of your own equilibrium as a woman.
When you’re aware of that, you can enter the dating market, or the online dating market in the future knowing that you have this bias.
Your feminine bias of attaching emotionally….early
If you have a feminine core and are primarily identified with the feminine energy, then your ‘home’ will be in emotionally attaching. To almost everything.
As such, it’s hard to let go.
It’s hard to let go of many things in your life.
For men who have a masculine core, it’s pretty easy to let go. Of many things.
The only scenario in which it’s hard for him to let go is if the man formed a deep emotional attachment to the woman.
And to get a man to form that kind of attachment to you, you have to be his one and only woman – not the one of many! (and show up that way from the beginning).
Otherwise, he could shower you with attention and interest, make love to you and praise you until the cows come home. And still suddenly disappear.
All because he was never attached emotionally.
And more important than ever as a woman, try to remember that since you have this bias, it’s important to make sure that you test men enough!
We test men so that we don’t get stuck investing in the kind of man who would just ghost you.
How do you test a man?
In online dating, there’s no better test than high value banter. If a man doesn’t respond to your high value banter, it’s a red flag.
CLICK here to discover how online dating has completely changed and why you as a woman need to use “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men online and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”!
(…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
(My man David runs this free class and I highly recommend you listen to it.)
Your bias versus HIS bias in dating…
Due to a woman’s bias is to attach early, women often mistakenly assume that because our desire was to emotionally attach, a guy must also feel the same.
Sadly, that’s not always the case.
Men don’t have that same bias in dating.
In fact, men often come on strong, and disappear. My husband wrote an article warning women about this. The title is 3 Reasons You Should Worry If He Comes On Strong.
Men can keep you around for 10 hours, 10 days, or 10 years, and never have that feeling of emotional attachment to you!
Unless you inspired that emotional attachment from him (by showing up as the one and only.)
Unless you do this, you will ALWAYS get ghosted online!
If you met this man who ghosted you online, then you really need to be aware that unless you approach the online dating game with the right strategy, you will almost always end up getting ghosted by men online.
Online dating is not to be taken lightly. It is to be taken seriously.
You cannot just float along, hoping that through the graveyard that is most online conversations, you will somehow inspire a guy to connect emotionally with you.
If you don’t have the right mindset and approach to online dating, you will pay dearly with your sanity, your innocence and your trust in the world.
Don’t let online dating leave you burned and jaded! You’re a woman and your heart is worth more than that.
The only way to do online dating right is to go into it with the right mindset:
The mindset to eliminate the men who aren’t interested in connecting with you, and to quickly form a connection with the men who want to find you and connect with you!
The way to do that is with high value banter. High value banter weeds out the men who won’t be interested in connecting with you!
Now let’s talk about what ghosting someone actually means…
What does ghosting someone mean?
Ghosting is different to pulling away.
Ghosting someone is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
My husband, who has written an even better article on the 3 Obvious Reasons Why Men Ghost Women, defined ghosting as:
“The act of not contacting you, even though you know for certain they’ve had plenty of opportunities to do so.”
Again, there has to be good answers as to why men ghost good women, right?
Here’s a great video by my incredible husband on the 3 Obvious Reasons Why Women Get Ghosted By Men Online…
For the sake of you getting some emotional closure and comfort on the matter, here are the answers to the question “why do men ghost women?”
Why do men ghost good women?
First of all, whether men end up ghosting you or not has nothing to do with how good of a woman you are.
Instead, it has everything to do with the value you show up with, and the emotional connection you and a man had together.
Plenty of good hearted women (and even super hot women) get left in the dust by men every day.
The same is true of good hearted men. Plenty of good hearted men get left, abandoned, ghosted and cheated on every day.
This is definitely not about you being good hearted.
So here are the three top reasons why men ghost a woman.
(Some women wonder if these reasons apply for all men, even older men.)
The answer is yes.
These three answers are the same reasons why older men ghost in a relationship.
Reason 1: Communicating to you would cost too much energy & time
The most obvious reason why men ghost, is that taking the step to tell you he is not interested, or doesn’t want a relationship with you, would cost him energy and time.
It would cost him energy and time that he’d rather conserve to himself.
It’d cost him energy that could easily be taken elsewhere. Energy and time that he felt wasn’t worth the risk.
Every relationship a man invests in, requires lots of energy. Especially if it is with a woman.
At the risk of being attacked, I’ll say that sometimes, men just don’t want to deal with women’s emotional ‘stuff’.
They sense our attachment, and want to avoid their responsibility for ‘meeting’ that attachment.
They know that if they take a leap to communicate with her, then he’d be dragging himself into some drama he doesn’t want to deal with.
But if instead he ghosts you, he can just leave you (and the other people around you) to take the brunt of the blow.
Lovely isn’t it?
You know what? It might be of comfort to you to hear that ghosting is the worst way to end a relationship (not just for the person being ghosted), but for the ghoster too!
Because it leads to bigger confrontations down the line.
You may think this is just about the “ghoster” being afraid of confrontation, and it can be. But that’s simply not always the case!
Often, it’s just that they don’t want to invest in dealing with the inevitable emotion that comes up within you.
They know and sense that you’re more attached than they are, and they just cannot and do not want to invest in dealing with that.
Sure, you might be a calm and collected woman who hasn’t caused trouble so far. That’s besides the point. They (men) know what they’re doing.
They know they want to end it!
And they know that even if you’ve acted like an angel so far, that them not wanting to talk to you anymore will inevitably cause some kind of emotion within you.
So not only will they have to face your emotion. Then they may also have to face feelings of guilt that they’re not ready to face.
Why couldn’t he have communicated something?
Why does communication take men so much effort?
First of all, in a general sense (yes this is a generalisation), men aren’t as focused on their relationships as women are.
They get a lot of their feelings of self worth and fulfilment through avenues that fulfil their masculine identity.
Things that challenge them and speak to their own biases as masculine men. I discuss this more in my article on Why Men Pull Away & How To Deal With It As A High Value Woman.
Regarding why men don’t “communicate” more, research shows that on average, women use 10,000 words a day.
Whereas men use on average two or three thousand words a day.
This is not just about the number of words used.
It can be a burden for many men to use their words to converse with you for the sake of just bonding. Full stop.
Let alone converse with you within a very difficult and painful conversation about WHY he is no longer interested.
Men would only invest their all in you when you’re the one & only woman
So, men would only go all in with their investment in the relationship with you as a woman if you were the one and only.
When you’re the one and only, they’ll give you absolutely everything.
However, if you’re a woman who is in his ‘one of many’ basket, then it’s much easier for him to ghost you. It’s also much easier for men to ghost and come back. Yet never commit.
For most men, sitting down to send you a text about him not wanting to talk to or see you anymore, would take more value from his life.
This is especially true if the nature of your relationship (before he ghosted you) was that he already felt that it took too much from him.
Men won’t invest energy in these types of women…
Men won’t spend extra energy on women who they perceive aren’t worth their time and energy.
What kinds of women aren’t worth their energy and time?
Well, have a think. What kinds of men aren’t worth your energy and time?
Men who take too much value without giving any back.
As a woman, you’d probably never ghost a man who you knew had long-term value in your life.
The same goes for men…if he doesn’t see long-term value, why would he invest anything at all in the relationship with you?
If you would like to change your dating experiences from negative ones into positive ones, I recommend you check out “High Value Mindsets”. It’s one of our most popular programs.
(The promise of this program is to give you the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.)
Reason 2: The emotional attachment wasn’t there
Remember from reason 1 above? If a man never formed any emotional attachment to you, it will be very easy for him to ghost you.
This includes if he’s had sex with you, taken you out to dinner, or simply had some conversations with you online.
This reason really isn’t your fault. In fact, it’s nobody’s fault.
Let me put this into context. Because we currently live in an era where ghosting is so easy to do.
Many many years ago, humans lived in tribes where we knew everyone. Everyone knew everyone else. The tribe worked together, and everyone had their “place”.
Nowadays, we mostly live in fragmented societies!
What this means for you is that in order to connect with anybody long term at all (even friends), we must have formed an outstanding level of connection with them.
That’s the thing that will keep a man tethered to you.
In the case of dating or a romantic relationship with a man, you would have to have formed a high level of attraction and connection with him.
“High level” meaning, at least a 7-8 out of 10.
Without these two ingredients of emotional connection and emotional attraction, you really have nothing. Nothing but a half relationship or an imaginary relationship.
So as I mentioned in the first reason why men ghost, the way to mitigate this problem is to show up as the one and only from the start.
When you show up as the one and only woman, you will more likely stay in the ‘one and only’ woman basket, and have a greater sense of security that he won’t leave you.
This is why I made a whole program on this topic, called “Becoming His One and Only”. The promise of this program is to give you 5 secrets to have your chosen man fall madly in love with you, and beg you to be his one and only woman.”
Reason 3: He decided to pursue other women or Interests
We all have endless perceived options in this day and age. That’s no secret.
Distractions are everywhere.
But the fact that we have endless options doesn’t mean we have more value available to us.
Most ‘options’ in the dating market out there aren’t worth much for a man or a woman.
This isn’t about your worth. This is about perceived value for every individual man or woman out there in the dating world.
Most options are nothing but a distraction that never really stand out among the sea of possible mating partners.
So, do you want to show up as a distraction, or moreso as future wife material?
Only the one we form a soul-to-soul connection with will be worth sticking around for and committing to.
And remember, women ghost men too!
Here’s an inconvenient truth. If the relationship or the interactions between you and a man didn’t have enough emotional connection, then it wouldn’t be worth his time.
Men’s emotional investment and loyalty will go to the woman he has the most emotional connection and emotional attraction with.
Men will gravitate towards women of value to men.
If you’re feeling dejected, remember this fact…
If you’re feeling dejected, just remember and hold onto this fact: cream always rises.
Meaning, if you’re a woman of value to men, you’ll easily have high value men pining for you and wanting to keep you in their lives.
On the other hand, if the woman doesn’t have much value in his life, there’s plenty of other things to do in life that would fulfil him more.
Otherwise, any woman he speaks to might as well be a ‘one of many’ woman. Someone he has fun with, but has zero loyalty to.
Why Do Men Ghost? Most Men Play THIS game
What game do most men play? the Numbers Game…
This is an uncomfortable truth, but if you’re dating online, one thing you must remember is this…
It is that in online dating, most men have no real choice other than to play what is called ‘the numbers game’.
If you’re wondering how many women the average man talks to on dating apps, here’s the answer.
If a guy is talking to several other women, he would drop the women with whom he’s having boring and uninspiring conversations with, and gravitate towards the exciting conversations.
The same is true as a woman, right?
If you have options, why invest in the boring men, or the conversations that are full of boring small talk?
A man’s energy and time will be spent pursuing the women who made him realize her value quickly.
Otherwise, they will invest their valuable time and energy elsewhere.
Again, the same goes for women. Your investment and time will go towards the man who has the most value to you.
By the way, if you’re doing online dating, I recommend you read this stellar article on the 5 Most Common Mistakes Women Make In Online Dating.
How To Tell If Someone Is Ghosting You
So how can you tell if you’re definitely being ghosted or not?
First of all, a man ghosting you is different from a man just pulling away. Most men will pull away at some point, and that is normal.
Be that as it may, a man who cares for you, is invested in you, and sees you as his one and only, would never. EVER. Ghost you.
Second of all, the way to tell if someone is ghosting you or not is – surprisingly, to test them!
If you want to test him, send him this text message.
If you prefer not to text him or engage with him at all, that’s fine.
Another way to know how to tell if someone is ghosting you, is to simply give yourself time to feel.
With time, you’ll find that all your emotions come up, and as you feel more, you’ll get to a point where the answers reveal themselves, without you having to try too hard.
Time and feeling is one of the best tests for whether someone is abandoning you or not.
How to get over someone ghosting you: Here’s How to get closure
If it’s any consolation, just remember this:
They are the ones doing the avoiding. Not you.
So if anything, for most men, it’s not like they get to walk away without any baggage or remorse.
In fact, this study from the 1970s shows that the act of avoidance and/or ghosting, costs the ghost more in the long run.
This is because the person being ghosted often doesn’t like that lingering feeling and identity of having been “the one that got broken up with”.
This lingering, unresolved feeling can often lead them to deliberately seek out a confrontation.
Such a confrontation will cause the ghoster to have to face their actions.
Not only that, but even if they don’t have to deal with a physical confrontation with the person that they ghosted, they have to deal with the cost incurred to them in other ways.
Other ways, such as knowing that they took the coward’s way out of the relationship.
Of course, this is different to ghosting someone in a toxic relationship.
Ghosting an abuser is probably far more relieving than it is guilt-inducing, at least in the long-run.
If someone is being used and abused, they have every right to ghost someone!
If you would like more answers and closure for your situation, here’s a popular article on the 12 Secret Reasons Why Some People Will Always be Distant From You.
And here’s an article on Emotionally Unavailable Men: Signs and How To Deal With Them.
I hope this article gave you some answers. If you have any thoughts, opinions or questions, leave them in the comments below. I always read the comments!
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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