As a woman, there’s no better skill to have than knowing how to attract a man emotionally.
Without this skill, many women find that it is increasingly hard to actually find men who are willing to commit to them.
So, how to create emotional attraction with a man? The answer is to use playful banter, or what we call high value banter.
Most women try to trigger attraction in men using their sexuality, and that sure works.
It only works to get men to desire you sexually.
It does nothing for getting men to feel EMOTIONAL attraction for you.
What Is Emotional Attraction?
It is a feeling of being attracted to someone emotionally. When a man is emotionally attracted to you, he thinks about you all the time and becomes fixated on you.
This is different to sexual attraction – sexual attraction is mostly dispensable – sexy people are always out there. But not every woman can inspire emotional attraction in a man. Which is why we are here to learn how to do it!
what triggers emotional attraction in a man?
What trigger emotional attraction in a man is you leading with playfulness.
Here’s what that really means: it means that you interact with a man playfully, and by doing that, you bring out the best in men.
This is a skill that many women no longer have!
The best way to do this is to use high value banter.
If your goal is just to turn a guy on, sure, go ahead and use your sexuality.
But don’t expect it to ever help you achieve emotional attraction with a man.
Because to men, emotions and sexual desire aren’t connected. Men can have sex with, and sexually desire virtually anything and feel nothing for it.
(I’m talking about men in their default state. But once you create emotional attraction with men, everything changes. From that point on, they do end up connecting emotions and sex to one woman. The woman they formed a pair bond with.)
Let me explain this a little more. See, in a man’s brain, the pathways for love and sex don’t overlap much.
Here’s what I mean:
If you were to examine a feminine woman’s brain through an MRI scan, you’d see that the parts of her brain that light up for sex is quite similar to the parts of her brain that light up for love.
There’s a big overlap.
Whereas for most masculine men, the overlap is very small. The part of his brain that lights up when thinking about sex is very different to the parts of his brain that light up when thinking about love.
You can read more about the differences between men and women in this article on 5 Things Every Woman Ought To Know About Men.
Of course, you need sex and love within a healthy relationship.
And both of these will come, but it’s dangerous to lead with your sexuality and sexual desirability when first dating guys, as you could end up losing the opportunity to build emotional attraction with a man!
So, if our goal is to build emotional attraction, then we need to use the right type of communication. (Ie: banter!)
How To Attract A Man Emotionally? Use Playful Banter.
When it comes to building emotional attraction with a man, the most important skill to have is the ability to use and engage in playful banter. And I’ll show you some examples of playful banter very soon.
Now, for women, using playful banter might seem challenging. Many women don’t communicate with other women using banter.
Most women communicate feelings and emotions through lengthy talks with one another.
(However, there are exceptions to this and some women who grew up with brothers find that they’re familiar with banter and use it naturally themselves.)
Of course, guys communicate a little differently to women. Most guys tend to not talk a lot unless and until they think there’s a point, or they need to in order to solve a problem.
Of course, there are guys who do talk. You may know a few men who are easy to sit down and have a chat with. That’s great!
However, they usually last for less time than women do, and are more likely to check out or simply walk off, leaving the conversation.
This is because masculine energy errs on the side of seeking challenges and problems to solve.
In order to do that, they need to feel empty. Having emotion in the picture makes them terribly unskilled men.
In fact, if a man were to spend a lot of time in his feelings, and talking about them with other guys, they’d start to think he was some really weird (perhaps weak) kind of guy.
Talking about feelings rather drains men, unless they really like the woman who is talking to them. (Or they intend to act the part so that they can talk their way into her pants).
When a man and woman fall in love, this is when you’re most likely to see a guy being willing to talk on the phone for hours.
This is why I mentioned that unless a guy is in love, talking for a long period of time isn’t what they prefer. Especially if it’s a serious talk that involves a lot of feelings and talking in circles.
This is also one reason why having “the talk” backfires on women.
Guys tend to relate better to banter-type talking and are less likely to pull away from it.
Because of this, it’s much easier for you, a woman, to build both emotional connection and emotional attraction with men using playful banter.
Because it breaks down his defenses, and allows him to get emotionally closer to you without the pressure of serious talks.
Banter also paves the way for deeper emotional connection and deeper discussion. If you want to connect more deeply with a man, then banter opens that exact door for you!
With banter, you can bypass the clash of the feminine bias in communication versus the masculine bias in communication, and it inspires men to feel excited to connect with you.
So, whilst you may think that using banter seems fake and unnatural for you as a woman, it’s actually not.
In fact, banter is a natural progression in play and connection, even in childhood.
Still afraid that bantering will make you one of the guys?
Perhaps you’re afraid that it might make you appear less authentic, or make you seem less feminine?
Let me share some insight in response to that concern. The insight is in my answer to a lady who asked this exact question about banter:
Playful Banter Examples
You may be wondering about how playful banter might play out.
Here’s an example of how one of our members Kate made high value banter work for her (and these examples are just one of many).
Kate: “Hi. Nice beard. But I’m wondering…are you looking for a date or just a bang trim?”
Guy: Date and a bang trim, lol.
See how it plays out below:
Here’s an example of what happened with our lovely member Alena when she used our high value banter:
And here is Alena again, sharing more of her happiness with her guy whom she met online using high value banter (yes, she’s still going strong with the same guy, 9 months later:
And look what happened with our member Kristin:
I’ll share more specific examples of banter used by our members soon! But for now, I’m sure you’re probably wondering why playful banter is the answer to inspiring men to feel emotional attraction for you.
Why Does High Value Banter Create Emotional Attraction With A Man?
Why do you need the skill of flirty banter or playful banter in order to build emotional attraction with a man? There are two reasons why.
As my hubby (and creator of the high value banter method) and I have delved deeper into banter, attraction and mating strategies of us humans, here are a couple things we’ve concluded…
- Playful banter, whether through text or body language when face to face, is what kick-starts the initial stages of the falling-in-love or pair bonding process of humans.
Now, it may come as no surprise to you that research has shown that playfulness contributes positively to starting a relationship altogether with the opposite sex.
In fact, it is a critical part of our own “mating dance” just as how other animals have their own unique mating dance.
You may have noticed this in a few other high value couples who have fallen in love: they often use flirty banter unconsciously!
Also, good girlfriends sometimes even banter with each other…if you can poke fun at each other, then that’s a close and secure friendship.
Of course, in order to fall in love and start a committed relationship, you need two things.
What are these two things?
Emotional attraction and emotional connection! Without these two things, you cannot have a successful romantic relationship.
So always remember, playful banter builds emotional attraction with men.
- Kids typically learn this type of verbal or non verbal banter from very early on in their lives, and it’s a natural progression of human communication that serves romance.
It’s not uncommon for children of age 3-4 to begin using banter in some way, if they have secure attachments in their lives.
Now due to the fact that I have three sons, I’ve observed first hand how securely attached children interact with children of the opposite sex.
It goes a little bit like this:
He sticks his tongue out at her, she returns the gesture…
He pokes her, she pokes him back. She tags him, he tags her back.. This playful back and forth interaction then escalates.
It often escalates to the boy and the girl taking turns in chasing each other, or depending on their age, even trying to kiss each other.
This is actually the physical manifestation of playfulness and future bantering.
Unfortunately, largely due to insecure attachment or even the regimented nature of every day school, lots of kids eventually lose the innate ability to banter.
(Worse still, in today’s age, many are even afraid of using it.)
Regardless, in younger securely attached and confident children, you will see them developing the skill of banter as they grow up.
I do believe that there’s a strong correlation between secure attachments and your ability to playfully banter with attunement.
Of course, due to the large number of women with anxious-avoidant attachment style, bantering does not feel natural to them.
(If you think you may be one of these ladies who struggles with insecure attachment, or if you feel you are too afraid to upset a guy and fear he will leave you if you banter with him, I recommend you help yourself heal, as well as check if you may have adult abandonment issues here.)
Notwithstanding this fact, that does not mean that we cannot develop the skill. We can develop our own style of banter that we are comfortable with.
Playful banter (what we call High Value Banter) is an advanced social skill that we humans specialise in.
It is advanced because we’re dealing with other people, so we never have a lot of control over things.
Because of that, this skill of high value banter requires a bit of practice for you to become calibrated and competent.
And yet, every single one of us is designed to be good at it, although our early childhood experiences may hinder that.
There Is No One Perfect Way To Banter With Men
Now, every woman may prefer her own style of bantering.
You may prefer a bold style, more like ‘negging’, or you may prefer a softer push and pull type of banter.
If you’d like to investigate the method of negging (back-handed compliments, etc), you may enjoy the Q & A that hubby D.Shen did on how to use negging:
If instead, you like the softer push and pull method, there’s a method called ‘The Airin Method’ that my husband shares in his premium program High Value Profile and Banter.
(There are actually 7 different bantering methods that he teaches in High Value Profile and Banter!)
Let me share with you our member Jackie’s whimsical method of bantering:
(She is the purple in the conversation).
See how Jackie’s style is playful, and inspires the guy to also keep the conversation momentum going?
What Happens If You Start A Relationship With No Playfulness And Banter?
If you don’t have that element of playfulness in your interactions, what will happen is that you’ll most likely fall into a relationship out of convenience.
Relationships born out of convenience don’t have a lot of emotional attraction in them, if they have any at all!
That may seem harmless, but it’s not.
In fact, convenience is the most unstable foundation you could build any romantic relationship upon!
Often it’s the couples who fall into relationships out of convenience that end up unhappy and unfulfilled together.
(Here are 5 “must follow” rules to ensure you have a successful long term emotionally committed relationship.)
Without attraction and connection in your love life, it feels empty, and the people in the relationship cease to feel alive.
That feeling of ‘aliveness’ comes for both partners when there is attraction.
What Kind Of Relationships Do Insecurely Attached Children End Up Having?
Sometimes when you don’t have a secure attachment to an adult growing up, the process of learning this advanced social skill can be delayed indefinitely.
When you as a child are in fight or flight mode a lot of the time, you don’t have the energy and the resources to properly develop this social skill.
So a lot of the time, these insecurely attached children end up disillusioned in relationships later on, because they haven’t developed some of these important social skills for intimate relationships.
In other words, these children “fall” into relationships (perhaps convenient ones) that didn’t begin with a whole lot of emotional attraction.
(Because High Value Banter initiates the process of emotional attraction. Without it, even the most ‘compatible’ relationship is going to feel lacklustre.)
Regardless, here’s the good news:
You can develop this skill and use high value banter to your own benefit!
If you can incorporate this skill, you’ll find that you’re having way more fun than other women in dating, especially in online dating.
(In fact, we have a 71 year old customer of our program ‘High Value Profile and Banter’ who is having the time of her life and absolutely killing it with online dating!)
She even realised that the lost art of banter is what allowed her mother to not get too attached to a guy too soon.
Here’s a little snippet of her story:
It’s Easy To Point The Finger At Men For A Lacklustre Love Life
When we feel hopeless in our love life, it becomes easy to always sit in our comfort zone and point the finger elsewhere (at men for example).
But if we sit and blame others, we are essentially unresourceful, and will therefore find it harder to attract the love that we want.
So, know that playful banter is one social skill that makes all the difference in love, attraction and relationships.
It is the thing that will make you stand out in online dating or in real life dating. It allows you to stand out to men as an exciting and mesmerising woman whom they cannot help but ask out on dates!
Because (surprise, surprise), you managed to easily establish some initial emotional attraction with them!
How To Use High Value Banter To Create Emotional Attraction With A Man
Now, how do you use playful banter to build emotional attraction with a guy. My husband and I wrote an article on it.
The ‘how’ is largely contextual to your present situation with a guy.
The good news is that you can get a whole bunch of examples of how to banter with a guy within different contexts in our free class on the dark feminine art of high value banter.
(The class is run by D.Shen, the creator of this method).
But here’s a few examples to give you a taste of this game changing method (as described by so many of our members) of building emotional attraction with men.
A good example of banter for you to get a taste of it:
You match with a guy in online dating, and you want to initiate in a high value way that builds emotional attraction with him.
Easy! Use playful banter that encourages the establishment of emotional attraction.
You: Oh wow, would you look at that? We matched! You know what I love about your profile?
Him: Hey! What do you love about my profile?
You: Absolutely nothing! [insert playful fun emoji here].
Case in point: here’s a lady in our group who used this to successfully establish a spellbinding conversation with a guy.
Have a look:
See how this playfulness is far from boring? See how it creates fun and excitement in the conversations?
Another example, which is a question we get asked a lot about how to handle, in our facebook support group. Take the situation where you start talking to a guy online, and he asks you:
“What are you looking for?”
“I’m looking for the person who stole my mother’s bike 11 years ago. You don’t happen to have a pink bike do you?”
See D.Shen’s advice to a woman below on this:
Give A Guy Space Build Emotional Attraction?
Giving a guy space can serve your relationship with him in the sense that it gives him the opportunity to miss you.
However, just giving a guy space in the hope that it will make a man feel emotionally attracted to you is nonsensical.
It’s like the idea that just “leaning back” will make him value you more.
Well, it can in theory.
However, it only makes him vaue you more and chase you more if you guys had enough emotional attraction and emotional connection between you in the first place!
(By the way, you might be interested in my article How To Make Him Chase You [High Value Woman Secrets].)
It’s definitely not the “space” that creates the emotional attraction.
It can be one tool you use after you’ve established the romantic tension that’s necessary for emotional attraction to occur, but it is not the direct solution.
You have to show up as an intrinsically valuable woman in the first place, in order to inspire a man to feel emotionally attracted to you!
So, you don’t have to be passive or absent in order to be emotionally attractive to men.
You don’t want to chase men, because that’s low value. But you can most definitely initiate in high value ways.
Can You Initiate With A Guy Without Looking Like You Are Chasing Him?
The answer is that you can definitely initiate contact with a guy without chasing him.
A lot of women have this misconception in their mind and it goes like this:
I can’t initiate with a guy, or “lead” with a guy because that will make me appear too “MaScULiNe”.
Well if you never initiate with a guy, you might just lose him.
Also, in other good news…
You can also easily create emotional attraction with a guy, even if you’re the one initiating!
In fact, you can initiate online or in person.
If you want to reach out to a guy online first without looking low value, you can say something like this:
Wow, you have some nice photos, is that to compensate for your dull personality? Kidding.
Wow, you have some nice photos, do you have a photographer friend I can get to know?
Push And Pull: A High Value Way To Build Emotional Attraction With A Guy
Now, I know that the above examples may seem “harsh”. But that’s why we call it the “dark” feminine art of high value banter!
If you want to establish emotional attraction, then you cannot afford to be nice and polite! It’s too boring, and boring won’t get you a partner, especially online.
You need to be able to use your playfulness to engage in the push and pull of banter.
It is the push and pull that will help you create uncertainty. The uncertainty build excitement.
Also, uncertainty is the essence of romance, as said by Oscar Wilde:
The goal here is playfulness. We don’t have bad intent.
If a guy cannot pick up that you’re being playful, even despite you using playful emojis, then that says a lot about the strength of his character.
The best and most long-lasting marriages have this secret ingredient in them: humour and playfulness.
You need to appeal to the deeper parts of a guy, the parts where all the juice is.
Not to mention, the fact that high value banter does not work on every guy is a very good thing!
Look what Seroun had to say about this:
By the way, we don’t condone sarcasm as a form of banter.
Sarcasm and banter and very different! So you don’t need to worry about coming across as sarcastic, as long as you intend to bring out the playfulness in guys!
Even though it doesn’t work on every guy, it gets you asked out quicker and more often by the high value guys!
And there’s nothing wrong with ‘losing’ the wrong kinds of men.
You goal is not to create emotional attraction with a low value guy. You want to build emotional attraction with a high value man.
Using high value banter helps you separate the men who are serious about connecting with you (and who are not boring), and the ones who may just be low value and/or narcissistic.
The men with their self esteem in tact will easily and eagerly respond to high value banter.
They don’t mind it, because they don’t feel that their fragile sense of self is threatened.
They are unafraid to engage and attune themselves to you, and they are high value enough that they don’t walk around with this underlying fear that every woman is going to reject them!
Is High Value Banter Nasty And Mean?
Some women have expressed worry that playful banter or high value banter is mean, and will just push guys away.
The idea of bantering with a guy is never to be mean or to bring a man’s self esteem down.
It is a method of communicating that sends a clear message to men:
The message that you value connection and attraction.
And when you value connection and attraction, you will always bring value to the men you like the most!
That “value” to men especially, is emotional attraction and emotional connection. It is these two things that make you the woman men commit to, and not the woman that men leave!
So if you would like to explore the realm of the dark feminine art of high value banter and become highly intuitive at building emotional attraction with a guy, then check out our free class:
CLICK here to discover how online dating has completely changed and why you as a woman need to use “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men online and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”! (…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
(My man David runs this free class and I highly recommend you listen to it.)
Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional Attraction
Signs He Is Emotionally Attracted To You
- He thinks about you a lot.
- He tens to initiate contact just as much as you (if not more).
- He wants to protect your feelings.
- He pines for you (ie: he misses you a lot).
- He wants to commit to you. (FYI, all men secretly love to commit. This is why.)
Signs A Man Is Emotionally Attached To You
- He wants to spend as much time as he possibly can with you.
- He starts to develop habits that a similar to, or mirror yours.
- He wants to make sure you’re ok before he leaves.
- He actually cares about you and doesn’t mind feeling what you feel.
Now, over to you! Do you have any questions or thoughts on this article? Please share them with us below. We learn best from hearing from each other!
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.