When He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic: What To Do?

Hi Renee & David,

I really need your opinion on this. Everyone else I’ve talked to has more or less asked me to fight fire with fire, and I’m not really that kind of a human.

So, my man and I, we’ve been in a relationship for some time now (is almost 3 years long enough?) and he was/is a masculine at his core.

So far, however you’ve described a masculine man, he fits that description to a T.

I try to understand that he has that drive in him, the ambition to achieve his goals and I understand that sometimes it feels like he couldn’t care enough to call me or miss me, but I try to think from his perspective and that saves us a big fight.

But lately, I’ve had difficulty doing so, he has grown kind of cold towards me and it’s different from how it used to be before.

I remember you talking about when you and David just got together, and he spent a lot of money/resources or almost went broke doing things that would make you guys stay close or something like that.

Well it *was* the same for us, I felt so pampered and loved at the beginning 1-1.5 years, I used to even tease him that he shouldn’t spoil me so much because I’ll get used to it and you won’t be able to keep up.

He always shrugged it off, but that is what has happened now.

It led to a lot of fights, and I started feeling desperate for his attention. I’ve literally cried in front of him because of this.

I’ve also stooped to literally demanding certain actions for him, and he would do those…

But I would not even be able to enjoy them because I knew that he’s only doing so because I asked him to…

There’s no fun in a man doing romantic things for you, when you’re holding a gun to his head. (figuratively of course).

I just couldn’t take his cold behaviour anymore. Also, FYI, I’m a very emotional person and I’m pretty much free with my tears.

So one night, we were having a fight, and I started crying, and I said something on the lines of…

“Well earlier you’d care if a cried, you can’t even be bothered about it now!”

And he suddenly just lost it and he shouted:

“You know what? I don’t give a shit about you crying. You cry so much. It’s so melodramatic. I did not sign up for this shit!”

The next day, things cooled down a bit and we had an honest talk and he says that he realizes that he isn’t like how he used to be before, and he said that I cannot expect him to be like how he was before because that was him at his very best, trying to impress me and now he’s more focused on trying to build a better life for us and I should be mature about it.

He said that he loves me more deeply now than he did when we first started off, and that I should remember that on days when I feel unloved.

But shouldn’t he at least try harder at being a better boyfriend? Or am I being immature about it?

I also decided that I shouldn’t depend on him to make me happy, so I’ve actually started doing things that I wanted him to do for me, it does feel nice, like self love.

But is this how it’s gonna be from now on? I understand that I need to be mature and not expect some Disney/Nicholas Sparks romance but shouldn’t there be some effort on his part? Especially since he knows I want it?

It would really mean the world to me if you could share your insights on this, since my girl friends just crucify him and ask me to reconsider the relationship, which would really devastate me.

Thanks again and much love…

My answer…

Hi Krysti,

You’ve asked a good question.

I know how much it hurts to no longer have his attention the way you used to have it. I understand that the way he is acting triggers your own fears, it makes you feel more lonely, and it also triggers your own anger towards him.

Despite your anger over this, I want you to know that what you are describing is 100% normal.

What is normal exactly? Your feelings about all this are normal.

The way he is acting is also a normal part of relationships that progress into long-term commitments.

What you have described here, with your man no longer being romantic like he used to, is something I have experienced with David in certain moments early on in our relationship (yes, in the first 3 years).

I remember how in certain short-term periods, I’d wish he would take me out to dinner just once (and he eventually did on his own, without me asking, when I stopped mentioning it).

I wouldn’t describe him as cold per se (he’s a very warm person), but I remember he has pulled away for sure. These events certainly didn’t occur out of thin air: something triggered them.

I totally understand why you couldn’t take his cold behaviour anymore. But what is important here is not what your girlfriends think you should do.

What is important here is not “tolerating” his cold behaviour. Your power comes from understanding why he went cold in this scenario.

Now, this is not like hot and cold behaviour that men and women show in dating.

What you are describing is the typical cold behaviour of a man in a committed relationship who likely feels as though his woman is no longer offering him value.

And to top it off, he feels like she is often demanding value from him.

(This doesn’t mean that you are in the wrong. Not at all! We are just trying to better understand this situation together here.)

You know, if you and your man didn’t go through this, your relationship would never get closer.

If you didn’t have this experience, you would never have to grow and understand your man deeper.

So, as hard as this is for you, and as much as I can’t promise you that there won’t be pain, I can assure you that this is a normal relationship test that you can both rise above and be better for on the other side.

To help you understand what is normal and healthy, here’s an article I wrote on the 10 Ultimate Signs of A Healthy Relationship.

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

Use high value ways to get his attention

So what does it mean that you are no longer offering value? Well, let’s think about what is value to your man.

Each man is different, of course, but each man usually also has a penis and a somewhat male biology (unless he’s a soy boy, haha!).

And with this male biology, what he will perceive as value in the relationship is deep connection and attraction.

What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy).

Value to him also includes your offering of feminine energy and responsiveness, your surrender to connection moment by moment (which helps deepen your connection and renew his deep attachment to you).

All these as well as your acceptance of him that is evident in your body through how open you are.

This doesn’t mean that you HAVE to be open all the time, I mean, you’re a woman – and all women should have tension in their bodies at times.

If they didn’t, that would be fake. And if they didn’t have tension at times, they wouldn’t be women.

But what this is all about is being aware of what value actually is in the eyes of your boyfriend, so that you can offer your total acceptance when you can and when it’s right. 

And being able to stop being needy of something in order to open.

Here’s an article on How To Be Vulnerable Without Being NEEDY.

Even if you resent him (which no woman would blame you for, considering his cold behaviour), for your own growth and to add value to yourself; you can hold his gaze and open your heart despite your own fear.

Here’s an article on what happens to you when you resent your man.

Have a think about what “value” is to him. Anything that comes from love or your sexual energy could be value. Here are a few examples…

  • Loving gestures?
  • Your gentle touch?
  • Your accepting gaze?
  • Your sexual energy?
  • Just a hug?
  • A blowjob? (find out Why Guys Like Bj? 6 Reasons Why Guys Really Like Blowjobs)
  • What about feeling your soft body against his?
  • Showing him your boobies? (LOL. It might break his state that’s for sure).

These are just ideas I’m throwing out there, and they must be used carefully and in context.

Ultimately, you’re more attuned to your man and you know him better than anyone. Have a play around and learn as you go.

This is the high value way to get his attention.

In fact, I have a whole guide on How To Make Him Chase You & Value You [High Value Women Secrets].

What is the low value way to get a man’s attention?

The low value way to get a man’s attention and romance is nagging. It’s also communicating with resentment (which we all do at times. Hey, life is tough!)

Low value ways to get his attention could be holding back your vulnerability for the fake sense of being in control.

I’m not saying you are doing all of these things Krysti. I’m just sharing here for the sake of everyone reading (including myself!).

Why are these low value ways? Well, because essentially, these are last resort attempts to get what you want, without connecting with him first.

To be high value inside our relationship, and to show high value woman traits, we must try to learn to give the very thing that we want, first. So, right now you want his attention.

Have a think about what high vale ways that are available to you, when you want his attention:

  • Could you try giving your attention first?
  • Could you try offering him what he perceives as value first?

What that would look like is you feeling out into him, understanding him first.

You are not understanding him by saying what you said here – “I understand that sometimes it feels like he couldn’t care enough to call me or miss me”.

That doesn’t sound like understanding. That sounds more like an assumption that he has bad intent; that he “doesn’t care”, and that is not really a position of power for yourself, do you understand what I mean?

From the information I do have, it doesn’t seem like he has bad intent with you. He does care about you. I think he could just be tired and disconnected from you, just as you are to him.

Here are 10 Seemingly Harmless Signs Of A Toxic Relationship.

[CASE STUDY] How our member Alison went from attracting perpetual abusive relationships… To finally learning the skill of weeding out the wrong types of men, and passing the hardest test of them all… an accidental pregnancy after a month of dating! (…All by learning one simple skill.)

You’re melodramatic?!

I know it’s hard to hear him say, “You know what? I don’t give a shit about you crying. You cry so much. It’s so melodramatic. I did not sign up for this shit!”

However, it doesn’t really mean he actually doesn’t give a shit.

This sentence sounds like a very frustrated man who wants to feel his woman’s openness and love again.

The general idea is that masculine energy wants to experience freedom.

So the more that you can give him the gift of feeling free by loving him and offering your love and acceptance first, the more you will be able to set him on the path of feeling free with you.

I also don’t know HOW you cry. I’m assuming that you cry because you’re very hurt and stressed.

But in case it’s relevant, I have to address this: if there’s any chance that you have a learned ‘cry’ as a practice because you think it will get you more of what you want from him, such as investment and love, then I’d suggest that what’s more important is a genuine cry.

And not crying for the sake of crying or because you’re good at it. Most men and women recognise a truly helpless, surrendered cry.

And this is the kind of cry that we can’t help but respond to. So it’s best for all of us to not pollute our cry with in-genuine cries for the sake of crying, if you know what I mean…

Not saying you’re doing that. As I said, I just had to address this just in case it’s relevant.

Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.

You’re not the one in the wrong

I’m afraid that some women reading this will throw their arms in the air and say, “Why is the woman always in the wrong!” and “Why do we have to be the amazing people with value to give!”

Well, to this I say, I am sorry you’ve been blamed so many times in your life that you now constantly feel blamed.

However, the truth is, this isn’t about blame. This is about having enough love, emotional resources and courage within you to try to understand him first. Smart women seek to appreciate and understand men first.

When we reach out and take the emotional risk to give first (just like treating someone to a coffee or to dinner first), you will get to walk away with more esteem. 

And that’s something you can control; something you get to keep.

You can never grow as a woman if you don’t at least try to take an emotional risk of understanding what value is to your man.

When we resort to low value ways to make a man do something, it’s not wrong, but it certainly won’t allow you to walk away knowing you took the high road.

Just so you know, my husband have I have made a whole program on Understanding Men. (The promise of this course is for you discover the secrets of the masculine perspective so that you can get through to any man, connect with him heart to heart, and inspire his deepest loyalty and commitment.) Check out Understanding Men here.

Look, most men really just want to do the right thing! And just because he’s acting cold does not mean it’s the end. Does not mean he won’t give his life for you.

It’s just how he is right now. And that can be changed with the right mindset.

We have created a program called “High Value Mindsets”. (The promise of this program is to give you the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.) You can check it out here.

He’s doing his best

From everything you’ve described to me in your comment, I can see that this man is offering you the ultimate resource. He is trying to offer you reassurance and security in the best way he knows how.

This is evident when he says things like: “He said that he loves me more deeply now than he did when we first started off, and that I should remember that on days when I feel unloved” and “Now he’s more focused on trying to build a better life for us.”

He IS offering himself to you, and he is offering resources to you. It’s just that the energy he used to put into being romantic has now been replaced by the energy he has to put into making a living to CONTINUE TO PROVIDE you with resources.

This is a normal and natural progression. It takes enormous energy to be romantic.

Don’t let your girlfriends and their collective fears and criticisms destroy your relationship, or destroy how you show up in your relationship! Your relationship is a sacred place.

CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.

Will he ever be romantic again in the future?

My first feeling is that this man loves you, clearly. (See 5 Signs He’s In Love With You).

And because of that, I have zero doubt that he will be romantic with you again in the future.

That is, when the timing is right, when he can spare the energy for that, and when you show up with more emotional resources and value for him.

It’s easier to be romantic with a woman who shows up in the same way she did when they first started dating!

My guess is that in the beginning of the relationship, you didn’t act from fear as much.

And you probably didn’t try to push for things to happen, because you were in love! And when we’re in love, we naturally give more, as we have more emotional resources to do so! (Of course, if I were speaking to him, I’d tell him this, too!)

You know Tony Robbins has said:

“Do what you did in the beginning of a relationship and there will be no end”.

We all naturally want to give back when someone gives us so much value.

So, as much as I wouldn’t recommend you try to ‘get’ him to be more romantic for your own sake at this point in time, I will tell you that eventually, the value of the love and acceptance you provide to him will make him naturally want to make the effort again.

See: Why Men Don’t Put More Effort Into The Relationship?

Men and energy conservation

Here’s the unpopular viewpoint:

All smart and well directed men eventually come to understand the value in energy conservation.

When you have to make money, build something for the long-term, provide for your family and future children…the important time is now, and you inevitably have to sacrifice energy in other things.

If your man didn’t appreciate the value of energy conservation…would he still be able to focus as much on building a life for you guys?


If he put a lot of valuable energy into chasing you and being romantic for you, that could take away focus and energy from the current task at hand.

That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t “try” to be more romantic you as you say.

Because he knows you want to be more spoiled. But, again…if you fill him up from your own resourceful place, that will gradually fill him up and he will naturally want to provide for you.

See also: Should A Man Provide For A Woman 100%? Or Is 50/50 Ok?

At the end of the day, if war suddenly broke out and you were both about to be killed; someone has a gun to your heads…would this matter?

Or would the love you express to each other matter the most?

Well, sometimes it pays to approach life this way. We never know when something bad could happen and we will forever lose this opportunity to gift our lover with…love.

Appreciate where he is at right now

In the great book “Influence” by Robert Cialdini, he teaches something very important.

And that is that, if you want to influence someone, one of the principles to do that, is that you give to them first.

And if you truly do add value to them, they will actually want to return that gift. But they will want to give you even more than you gave them in the first place.

You could easily add a lot of value to him right now by appreciating the effort he is putting into creating a life for you.

Look at where he’s investing his energy; and appreciate him and his effort, openly.

This way, you get to meet him where he’s at, and assume good intent on his behalf. And he will probably be relieved and surprised (in a good way), even if he doesn’t trust your appreciation at first.

If he doesn’t trust your appreciation, you just keep giving it until he does trust you. That’s how we earn each other’s trust.

So, I’ve given you some ideas on how to add value to him AND to the relationship in my answer.

I hope it helps you become closer to your boyfriend, Krysti. Wishing you a lifetime of love and closeness.

Also, my husband and I have got a “commitment masterclass” showing you how one of our clients went from being in a lonely and stagnant relationship to getting married in 7 days! You are free to join the masterclass here.

Thanks for reading!

renee wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link

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Wow this is so inspirational???. ( actually It’s so confusing if I don’t use names, I’m gonna use fake names, mah bf that I dated for three weeks let’s just name him jack and mah ex aka was mah best friend is gonna be named John) I’ve been dating mah bf for three weeks and he was really romantic to meh and would constantly text meh, and mah parents don’t allow meh to date so I went behind their backs???, they found out I was dating him and I had to break up with him I couldn’t tell him so… Read more »

Linda Magellan
Linda Magellan

I feel like her response to the question is rather outdated. I work, my man also works. We both worked when we first met as well. In the beginning, he genuinely wanted to go out and do new and exciting things together. He would plan things, I would plan things-we had great fun. This all changed when we moved in together. I was still planning things, but he pretty much stopped-or he just wanted to do the same things over and over again. So I stopped being the one planning things all the time and told him if he could… Read more »


This is a very interesting article for me, I am basically the guy in this article and the man mentioned in some of the comments. I lost someone truly important to me, I didn’t realize how much she loved me, didn’t understand the tears, thought the relationship talk was silly since I knew I wanted to be with her but now that she is gone and there is nothing I can do about it. I had to really look at myself, the person I had allowed myself to become. I was so wrapped up in working, trying to provide and… Read more »


Oh, I’m pretty disappointed Renee. I’ve been reading your articles for years and always thought you were so lovely. Perhaps I’m mistaken, but your comment about “soy boys” seemed quite passive aggressive. My hubby is vegan, eats a fair amount of soy and is extremely masculine. And in fact, vegan men have higher testosterone levels than meat eaters, so… ? Your comment may have just been a joke, but I personally found it to be in poor taste and a little classless. Just my 2 cents.


Renee, what if you feel like you do all that. You try to be open and vulnerable, you take care of him, have fun with him, is playful with him, show your appreciation of him, give him a massage, give him a blow job, shower his naked body, I look him in the eyes, I am a good listener, I try to be as loving and accepting as possible and I never nag or act needy, I also take care of our children, our home, and myself and maintain my own hobby (dance), finishing my education, meeting with my friends… Read more »

Reply to  Noi

It you don’t see the connection & don’t feel it’s mutual, leave him.

Reply to  Noi

He knows he’s happy and loved and taken care of, but doesn’t know it all comes from you. That’s how dumb we are. If there was a way to make him understand how much you mean to him he would do anything for you. He would be devastated if you left, and would realize all you do.


This is a fantastic article I must say. It is very inspiring and motivating
Upon my research I’ve come across this piece which also good
You may have a look


One thing to add, we can’t escape biology’s influence on our psyche. In the life that nature intended, free of contraceptives, she would probably already be with or have a child. His body and mindset has switched from Romeo to provider, just as nature intended, which is something any mother would be grateful for. Most women are desperate for their significant other to put on his big boy boots. If you check out a MGTOW board (heh heh, not recommending it), most men there gripe about women demanding their ability to provide. It’s just like a feminist board where women… Read more »

Reply to  Rachela

I have two children with my man, but I don’t agree with this. I love my children and I love my man. But I am not only a mom. I am also a wife, and I still want to have initimate romantic moments just me and my man. I would feel the same, I feel the same right now in my own marriage despite having children, small children. I don’t think it is fair to call her ungrateful, what woman doesn’t want love and attention from her man. Yes he prob lives her very much, but shows it in a… Read more »


Wow this article is great! I’ll need to read it a few more times to let it sink in. What I love about you Renee is that you might be the only female coach that teaches how to give first from time to time. Pretty much all the rest of them out there are all about leaning back all the time even as the relationship progresses and this can create huge problems generated from fear based tactics. And yes it’s very different from when you just start dating to when you’re in an established relationship. Me not initiating anything in… Read more »


Thank you for this article. This really resonated with me. It made me look at myself and how I show up in my relationship with my man. We’ve been dating for a year and I find myself in the same situation as the person who wrote in. Only we broke up because I have been complaining and nagging him about his behavior. I’ve also been acting out of fear and my own insecurities as a result which pushed him further away and out the door. We recently reconciled after 4 weeks apart and I am hoping to take your advice… Read more »


First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I sat and I read this over and over again this weekend and I had a whole introspection session and it really made me realize so many things about myself and the relationship. I think so far I had been thinking about how he has changed but truth is, I have changed in ways too. I think I’ve been too focused on taking from him and not really giving anything back. I think I know what to do now… 🙂 Thanks for your insight. Reading this… Read more »

Reply to  Renee Wade

Thanks for my DVD! It finally arrived today at my home and thanks so much Renee because you helped me to learn the power of femininity and how can a Feminine woman have it all thanks to the feminine energy.


This article is so helpful in many of the points made. Because I don’t think that relationships are made to be easy. Even if we think that they are supposed to be like X, Y, Z, reality is, we are all perfectly imperfect with strengths and weakness. It seems that people are capable of hurting others, even without intentionally meaning to do so… and from what I’ve read recently, much of what a person does is to gain love, or avoid loosing it. Most parents raise their children to understand the pattern of their love being conditional and think this… Read more »


Wow my Renne gives the best advice


Wow, this was a good read Renee! My husband has responded with “i’m building a better life for us now” when i’ve complained of him working all the time or taking time for himself and his hobbies rather than being with me and the children or giving me time for myself. I stepped back and realised i was making the issue worse and constantly asking him to show some affection but he didn’t want to because he felt it annoying when i asked, needy. When i did that he started coming towards me but i felt i was holding a… Read more »


This article is helping me look at my situation in a different light. My man is basically working 7 days a week now on A temporary project that’s understaffed 🙁 We don’t live together yet, so we spend our weekends together. Now with this crazy work project, We’re mostly away from eachother. I find myself nagging and complaining so much, even though he told me he’s doing this to make a better life for us. Since we don’t see eachother often, We talk or text every few hours every single day. Oftentimes he initiates our communication and he puts forth… Read more »


Incredibly good article. I still don’t know where the fine line is between adding value FIRST and chasing a man. I think there is a gray area when you give first it can be perceived as aggression even though that may not be the intent. I am sad to say that even though I know what you, Renee, says is very effective it seems like so much damn work due to the inherent differences between men and women.

Reply to  Renee Wade

Thank you so much for the clarity, Renee. Responsiveness, openness and may I add nonjudgmental would feel better. Yes, three years is different than three dates which require attunement to the man and situation.


Hi Renee, This couldn’t have been more timely. I’m going through this right now. I did the low value thing for a while. Complained. Nagged. When we reconnected he told me all that did was make him feel he wasn’t good enough for me. He pulls away sometimes and I miss him. But he always comes back. So now when he’s in his “cave”, I just go off and do my own thing. If something exciting happens and I want to tell him I call and tell him. Eventually we reconnect. I used to panic when I don’t hear from… Read more »

Reply to  Renee Wade


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