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Article updated 2018
The word you use to describe another person’s actions is everything.
I believe that the words you use, make you do amazing things in your life or terrible things. Because the words you use reflect the intent you infer upon others. In other words, you could be assuming hostile intent in a man when most humans truly have positive intent (at the very least, positive intent to make themselves feel a certain way). And of course, the words you use reflect the meaning you place on things. And that meaning could be ruining your relationships or inspiring them to fill up with more trust and freedom!
This is why I don’t like the word ‘excuses’.
If you say a man is making ‘excuses’ here is the big fat lie you’re really telling yourself:
– This man has an obligation to me. (No man really does, we just try to make them feel obligated as a last resort to get what we want.. No human has an obligation to you unless you want to write a legal document to trap people to your side.)
– This man is lazy.
– I KNOW why this man isn’t committing. (Not really. Usually, women don’t understand why a man isn’t committing, and nor do they care to show the man that they are willing to appreciate and understand his fear of commitment.) So, most women don’t really know why a man isn’t committing until they try to understand men. And that takes a lot of emotional discomfort, mental discomfort and vulnerability and willingness to drop your own defences. Until you work so hard to understand men that your spine shivers with resistance and fear whilst doing so, you don’t understand him. You only know what is familiar to you, which is your own worldview for the past however many decades you’ve been alive.
– I am entitled to a commitment (mostly not true. I don’t believe any woman, including me, is ‘entitled’ to a commitment unless she’s willing to be vulnerable and stop blaming and to stop guarding herself from hurt as if it’s going to help anyone. Just as I don’t believe any man deserves an open woman, or good sex or respect unless he is willing to push through his own fears even when he feels like he has nothing left.)
So let’s consider that perhaps there’s a better meaning than ‘men make excuses.’ Generally, in any situation where there’s some kind of a connection with you, the truth is that they want to be understood for who they are, and they need something to inspire them to commit to you. Something beyond obligatory rhetoric.
As a woman, it’s very easy to stamp our feet and expect a commitment just because WE want a committed relationship.
But for most men, more commitment to you, means a lot more vulnerability on their part. Not just yours. Men have to be, do, achieve and risk a lot to commit to you – even if they truly love you.
Think of it as you helping a man commit to you by meeting him where he is at
So we have to kind of meet a man where he is at. Verbalise and voice his feelings about commitment. This will inspire him to trust you.
For example. You can say things like:
“Yes, I understand if you think that marriage and commitment isn’t very appealing in this day and age, even though I believe in marriage myself.”
“I know you work very hard for your money. I admire the hard work you put in every day, and I would never take advantage of what you’ve worked that hard for.”
This helps you speak his language, and reach him emotionally. By showing him you’re willing to understand and feel what he feels! This isn’t manipulation, it’s giving. It’s simply a gift, of meeting him where he’s at so that you hopefully can also help him see that you won’t be taking advantage of him, in fact, you truly want to connect with HIM.
Just like… you cannot talk sense to a baby. All they will do is cry back at you. That is their only language. Crying.
You can’t ‘talk’ a man in to committing, or ‘oblige’ a man in to committing. Unless he’s got no other options, or is a very scared and unstable man.
Ultimately, what you need to be willing to do is be vulnerable.
And what does willing to be vulnerable mean?
It means feeling, regardless of the way he responds. (not verbally bashing or unloading old resentment on him).
If you’re vulnerable, you’re vulnerable. True vulnerability exists. That’s it. It exists. It’s just is. It stays until it’s fully felt and taken care of. Anything else CAN feel like manipulation to a man. And many women have used tears kind of like a manipulation – just to force more resources out of a man.
You don’t serve other people by not showing your vulnerabilities
We think we’re serving ourselves and serving other people by closing down and hiding our vulnerabilities. But we aren’t. We are least of all serving ourselves because when we aren’t vulnerable, we attract people who don’t love us for who we really are. The more masks you wear, the weaker the man you attract.
And the weaker the man you attract, the weaker the “commitment” he gives you, even if he gives you a ring, and even if he legally marries you.
Commitment is more than marriage. Commitment is an ongoing, daily willingness to spend his emotional, physical, financial and mental resources on you.
And like anything in life, if spending any of these resources on you is terribly unrewarding, he will go elsewhere. And you’ll be back at square one.
Remember, it’s OK to be vulnerable.
That’s what I’m suggesting you allow yourself to do. I don’t think it’s wise to be vulnerable to everyone. You can’t do it with everyone, you can test people to see if they will handle it or not.
And by vulnerable, I mean remove all the protective layers you’ve put up to ‘show’ the world who you are. I mean get to the the layers beneath the mask, the layer beneath the layer, and the next layer beneath that layer, and remove the next layer, and then remove THAT layer as well….until all there is, just you, lying there, so vulnerable that you feel like a part of you is dying (because that’s kind of what is happening when you remove masks and become vulnerable. You lose a part of your image or identity and reveal the real you).
Many men need that vulnerability in order to connect to a woman and be bonded to her.
And you don’t have to be that all the time.
It’s just a part of you you might want to allow to surface. Remember there are different parts of you – including the so called “masculine” parts, and all parts are ok. That is the reason your vulnerable part is ok. Because no part of you is wrong. If you’re abusing people; that’s wrong.
If you’re blessed, you might be able to hint at vulnerability to a man and he will get it. This is exceedingly rare, from what I know of men. Most men I have heard of (through working with their women) need serious visual and emotional embodiment of vulnerability in you before they “get”, in their heads that there is vulnerability here, and that he is needed.
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)
Be willing to express….NOT Abuse
Sometimes they cannot tell the difference between tears from crying. So you need to be really willing to express and embody your emotion.
Again, not abuse. Don’t abuse a man with blaming words, if you can help it! I don’t think abuse usually serves anyone, do you?
Your vulnerability is not abuse. But blaming others is abuse. And being passive aggressive after many years of closing off to the world is abusive. It’s OK….we have all done this. I promise you that we have all abused someone before – usually those closest to us. And you have also been on the end of someone else abusing you. But it’s good to end the cycle, by starting with yourself.
Then, he gets to be your hero.
But to attract your hero, you have to the heroine – courageous enough to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is courage.
The mask isn’t. The mask is easy. It’s what you’ve always done to survive. Now is the time to be ready to do things differently.
I’ll admit, this is hard.
It’s so hard because when you feel vulnerable is not necessarily when men actually SEE you as vulnerable (and therefore respond in the correct way), because most men need an obvious call for help, or an obvious sign of vulnerability before they will associate YOU with vulnerability. Take for example this scene in Crash. I cry every time I watch this because it is accurately reflecting what is true in real life of men and women: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1yXXGXhdkg
David (my husband) and I teach how to show High Value vulnerability in version 2.0 of Commitment Control, coming out very soon. Click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass for free.
(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)
Please leave a comment below, and share a past memory of vulnerability you have shown or NOT shown, and let us know what happened. I’d appreciate it deeply.
P.S. Connect with me on social media.
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
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