There are many deeper unintended consequences to sleeping around, not just for women but also for men. (Albeit less so for men due to their masculine biology, but more on that later.)
In fact, here’s a study suggesting that women are more likely to regret casual sex than men.
Let’s think about this topic through the lens of men sleeping around first, because I’ve been doing some research, and I’ve discovered some interesting information.
What do you suppose men sacrifice when they sleep around a lot?
A committed relationship? Maybe.
A good reputation?
Yes, men can jeopardise their future potential to have a high value mate through perpetual promiscuity. (See the book Social Psychology and Human Sexuality, 2001).
But more importantly – what, on a reproductive/biological level, do men sacrifice?
They sacrifice quality.
And that’s quality of the women.
Why do men sleep around?
Many men who sleep around don’t mind sacrificing quality. All they are looking for is novelty in experience anyway. Almost any willing woman will do.
Yet, it’s still a sacrifice. In terms of a relationship, and in terms of a reputation for the purposes of having a relationship with a high value woman.
Of course, the “act” of sex carries with it very little sacrifice for a man. In fact, it’s all gain to the male limbic system.
Get in and get out – hopefully.
(Unless she stalks him.)
But quality is still the sacrifice for a promiscuous man. And that’s why men will try to get the highest value woman they can for a relationship, and have low standards for casual sex.
Women might be attracted to promiscuous men and have sex with them. But the kind of man who is being promiscuous is not generally having sex with 10 women who are rated 10s every week.
The more a man is eagerly looking to sleep around, the lower quality women (low mate value) he has to settle for in that act.
Another way we can think about it is – it is generally assumed among the male community that high reproductive value women are extremely hard to ‘hook up with’, in comparison to lower mate value women.
(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)
But is it bad to sleep around?
If you’re reading this, chances are you are an adult.
Therefore let’s act as adults and realise that the world is more than just black and white.
I’m not here to judge you if you choose to sleep around. I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong or bad. (You’re not a child anymore and the framework of good versus bad has perhaps outlived it’s usefulness.)
As an adult, as a woman, you need to realise that there are real consequences to your actions. Sometimes these consequences are not immediate, and completely unintended.
So instead of asking whether it’s good or bad, it’s much better to have a deeper understanding of the real consequences of sleeping around.
There is a real (& sometimes invisible) cost to women who sleep around, and that is what we will deep dive into.
Remember a wise woman is not one full of rules, but rather one who understands the consequences of her actions.
What do women sacrifice when they have sex quickly?
What do WOMEN potentially sacrifice, if we sleep with a man quickly (as in, before enough attraction has been built up)?
According to scientific research reported in the book ‘Social Psychology and Human Sexuality’ – women potentially sacrifice their reputation, and risk being viewed as having lower mate quality.
Of course, we don’t live in tribes of 100-200 or more any longer. So, reputation damage isn’t as real a threat to females as it may have been many years ago.
Women in one country can fly across the world and sleep with many men, and then fly home and not risk any damage to their reputation, don’t you think?
3 Risk factors for women who sleep around having unattached Sex
However, three risk factors of sleeping around, or unattached sex still remains, for most women…
Unattached sex often means one of many
Once we do something, regardless of whether we don’t EVER tell anyone we did it – our neurology has experienced it and something internally still DROVE us to make these choices.
If we mainly practice unattached sex, then as women, our body and our mind pay the price. This is because we become numbed to our emotions surrounding wanting a deeper investment from the man.
A lot of women are only having casual sex because they think it’s part of being a modern woman, without considering the invisible personal consequences of doing so.
If we engage in casual sex because are avoiding the deeper parts of ourselves that truly want to surrender in total emotional trust to a trustworthy man – our body can, over time, train to send messages to men that we are ‘the one of many’ rather than the ‘one and only‘.
…And all men naturally categorise the women they meet in to one of these categories – based on how the woman shows up.
As we know, what we practice persists.
Our body language doesn’t lie.
High value men looking to devote themselves will be able to read what a woman is all about through our body faster than we even get the opportunity to verbally tell them anything about ourselves.
I know it kinda sucks to hear it – but no matter how ‘UN-easy’ we feel inside, because we would turn down most men…what our bodies practice becomes the energy we send out.
Your reputation spreads fast
MEN talk to each other when they get sex easily. (ground breaking information there!)
I have a theory about this. I theorise, probably dumbly so, since I’m not an academic “expert” on this topic. I’m a mother, writer and a law graduate.
Regardless, I theorise that men do this gossiping about easy sex to warn each other (their own sex).
Just like women gossip about ‘jerks’ who make bad or abusive boyfriends, men spread pictures, videos, and gossip about women they have casually slept with.
This is possibly because on a primal level, in our tribal days – this information was crucial to the future reproductive safety of all men. But why?
Because it warns other men not to invest their resources in the women they have gossiped about, since paternity cannot be determined.
(Paternity – meaning no one really knows who the father of the child is. Since the woman hasn’t established trust and commitment with one steady guy, or doesn’t seem to have).
If human males were chimpanzees though, they’d all crowd around and take care of the baby. Even if 10 of them had sex with the same lady chimp, because there’s always a CHANCE that the baby is theirs.
Although, male chimps have measly fathering skills compared to human males. And that’s partly why they need to ALL invest a bit of paternal energy.
So, just as women in a certain context, protect each other from low value mates of the opposite sex, men do the same in their own way.
Paternity is serious business.
For a man, incredible humiliation and “life-destroying” (to use a real man’s words) emotions can be felt surrounding finding out that a child is not his.
The possibility that he might have unknowingly invested time, money, effort and resources in to – gasp – another man’s offspring, is heart wrenching and soul destroying.
In fact, I’ve noticed a scary phenomenon.
Men tend to get more insensitive to the women they get easy sex from. The women who have sex because she doesn’t know what else value to add to men.
Perhaps also the women who think giving a man sex is the most important thing to give. (It’s not!)
In other words, some men become more disrespectful and insensitive towards the women that they get easy sex from.
If you’re on my free newsletter list, you’d have read that one thing not to do in dating is to overtly seek a man’s approval, because it’s a sign of low value. This can be in the same ballpark as making sex easily accessible.
As a reminder to us all of the potential consequences of having casual sex without trust and commitment in the relationship, remember that men may spread lies about women whom they have easy sex with.
(…I read once about a woman who had sex with a guy without his commitment. One day, she overheard him telling his flat mate that he had had anal sex with her, which was totally untrue. That was when she decided to never do it again).
Women sacrifice their true nature for casual sex
Women sacrifice their true nature for casual sex, sometimes.
If women are having easy casual sex with men that they are highly attracted to, ie: a man who does show up as capable and trustworthy, then the danger might be that she really DOES love him and want a commitment.
But, by then, the danger for a woman is that he could have categorised her as a ‘one of many’ woman already. Depending on how she’s showed up, of course.
If she’s had sex early, but she’s showed up as his ‘one and only’, then there’s no problem for the woman – the deal is already sealed.
But if a woman has not done that – then…she could really find herself hurt.
And she finds herself hurt (and possibly regretful about sex with him), based on the reason that she wasn’t attuned to where the man was at.
She wasn’t aware of how he really FELT about her and whether he truly had any feelings or good intentions for her or not.
Remember, men can keep you around for years without wanting anything serious with you, and then suddenly disappear when they fall in love with their one and only. Here’s why.
Sometimes, we really have to WAIT to have sex with a man. Until enough emotional attraction has been built up (the reliable sign it’s ok to go ahead).
So that it gives him time to show whether he’s not really interested in anything more than sex, or alternatively, that he is interested in taking the relationship further.
Surely all this is about the man (not about us as women?)
Yeah, there are total losers out there who manipulate, abuse and try to take advantage of women.
And we have all heard stories about them, or even experienced crap with them.
But this doesn’t mean that we should pull the morality card and tell men to have better morals.
They are different creatures. They do not own the womb.
You do. You’re the woman.
As such, how you feel surrounding no strings attached sex is different to how he may feel!
So we can’t just ask men to take responsibility. The only time we can come close to doing that is if we’ve already established emotional connection and emotional attraction with him.
But WHY isn’t this just about men taking responsibility?
You might choose to take responsibility for when and how you have sex
Women simply risk paying a price for having sex before enough attraction and commitment has been established!
If you don’t rush into sex and instead give things time, you have a better chance of building an actual emotional connection and attachment with him.
When you do that, you inadvertently test a man for whether he will stick around or not.
If everything is rushed, and the process of building a real connection is short-cut, then you risk being ghosted and abandoned by him.
If instead, you focus on connection and attraction, you are doing great things for yourself. You’ll give the man a chance to be tested to see if he is willing to invest himself.
We teach you some real tests for commitment inside our flagship Commitment Control 2 course. (CLICK HERE to read more.)
If you’re a woman who’s NOT interested in a man’s commitment – it is still important to consider how (and if) having casual sex affects how you show up in the future.
With every opportunity there is a cost.
It’s not that sleeping around has a cost – it’s that everything has a cost.
Even if you had all the money in the world to buy all the nice clothes you wanted – you’d end up with a huge cost in your time.
This is because, with more clothing in your wardrobe, the cost is the time you will need to use up in order to decide what to wear, because there’s too much choice.
If we have less options, there’s less cost in time as there’s less choice.
NOT sleeping around has a cost. Shitting has a cost. Living has a cost.
We have to choose what we do carefully. Especially sex and relationships.
Our bodies aren’t designed to sex men for our egos and for the fun of it.
We have to realize the possible outcomes of casual sex as women. It’s simply hard to keeo doing it, without feeling some sort of pain, shock or a feeling of ‘being taken advantage of’ at some point.
Remember, you have the womb. You take more risk than men. Your body and mind know this, even if your birth control pills tell you that you don’t.
It’s not even about being ‘easy’ or about being judged…that doesn’t matter, because people will judge you whichever way serves their own ego.
What matters is why we do what we do. And are we REALLY emotionally attuned to the potential outcomes of our sexual choices?
Are we APPRECIATING that everything we do offers ourselves and the other person more value? Or if it repeatedly takes value from ourselves and from others?
Are we even attuned to whether the man is actually emotionally invested in US?
Even if WE feel like we are emotionally invested enough to open up and sleep with HIM?
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
Being more attuned to our tension than to his true intentions
As a woman, like me, you might have felt that men tend to push for sex, sometimes, even the good ones can do that.
But the biggest concern I have for you is this.
Are you attuned to a man’s true intentions and emotional feelings about YOU when you decide to have sex before you truly feel comfortable?
Or are you more attuned to the tension of; ‘I gotta have sex with him in case I lose his attention permanently.’?
Your body’s attunement to his actions and how they truly make you feel emotionally are FAR more valuable than your tension over losing him if you don’t have sex with him.
Choosing to courageously honour our deepest, truest desire
To live authentically, we might choose to courageously honour our deepest, truest desire.
The real question is this. Does your heart, deep down, want a totally devoted, committed and loving man who looks at you like there’s no other woman on earth?
(…Permission to fall in a heap whilst admitting this, and you won’t be the only one).
If you say yes, then I commend you for your courage.
See, many women deny this true craving because they believe that this doesn’t really exist. They don’t want to trust that it exists.
They are afraid this doesn’t really exist. Which is one reason why women tolerate casual sex or emotionally unavailable men in their lives.
But if you say YES – then, think about how men experience TRUST with women.
Why men can lose trust for women who have sex quickly
Men can lose trust in women when we have sex before there is mutually felt emotional attraction.
This is because, well, if he hasn’t had the time to develop emotional attraction towards you, then what value is presenting to him in that woman, from a man’s perspective?
He may perceive no long term mate value in her at all.
Simply short term value, perhaps.
I wrote an article a while back about when is the right time to have sex with a man, and I’m grateful, because it got good feedback.
In that article, I mentioned that genuine emotional attraction must be felt by both the man and the woman. And it must be obvious – before we should be willing to sleep with a man.
That’s just my bias though. I very much respect that not everyone wants to make this choice.
And I also respect that some women need to have certain experiences at certain times in their life in order to make adjustment. And that is just a part of their own evolution.
How devoted and loyal men test women in the dating market
How would a high mate value man TEST women in the dating market?
How would a devoted and loyal man test women in the dating market?
When high value men look to enter in to a committed relationship – KEY – committed relationship – he has a whole host of factors to test a woman for.
One important thing they must test for is a woman’s potential sexual faithfulness, and they must also test for a woman’s mate value.
The higher a woman’s mate value, generally, the less sexually accessible she is. (For reference on this, again, see the book: Social Psychology and Human Sexuality 2001).
So, one easy test for men to us, is how easily a woman lets herself be accessible sexually to HIM personally.
Her reputation and body language as well as how she HOLDS herself (a by product of her self esteem and intrinsic confidence), will also give a man cues as to how faithful and loyal she will be to him in a relationship.
If, to him, it seems as though sex happened prematurely, men know.
Some men even feel guilt over having sex with women super quickly. This is often why you may see a man buying a woman breakfast after a one night stand.
If he knows that she had sex with him before he had a chance to build up attraction and investment in her, then it’s highly possible that he will feel that she’s just too untrustworthy to be deserving of his commitment.
because his fear might be that if she can do it so quickly, then she has this habit and this innate capacity.
And because of that – he will have far more commitment resistance. He may fear putting his valuable time, emotional energy, as well as hard earned status and resources in to her.
A man will only reserve those things for his one and only. Learn more about what it means to show up as the one and only woman here.
Why should there be a difference in mate value based on sex being ‘easy’?
Why SHOULD there be a difference in mate value for men and women, based on sex being ‘easy’?
Well, first of all, there doesn’t have to be a huge difference in our value and a man’s value if both sexes were to engage in casual sex a lot.
After all, my whole life, I didn’t see much value in promiscuous men and would never date one.
Unless of course, he presented with a lot of high mate value and I trusted him. That seemed so rare though. Usually, the men who sleep around a lot aren’t that high value for a relationship.
In reality – men pay a price for promiscuity and so do women.
It’s just that the price we pay as women, may be too close to our truest heart’s craving for us to ignore.
Our price has a high cost in terms of how many layers of ‘masks’ and ‘blocking things out’ we might have to do in order to actually sleep around.
We sometimes have to reject our vulnerable heart’s true craving, in order to have sex with a man before it truly felt SAFE.
For instance, I have always wanted a man’s soul, his world, everything. If I denied that; I’d have to pretend I didn’t want that. And that feels like sh*t.
Eggs versus sperm, where is the value?
Eggs versus sperm – there’s a value difference in egg and sperm.
The real place all this taboo sexual judgement comes from is based on something very biological.
The value of eggs versus the value of sperm.
Of course, in the real world where there’s real breathing humans, there’s less valuable eggs (in the eyes of men), and there’s less valuable sperm (according to women).
And, overall, on an open market, sperm has little value in comparison to eggs.
Simply because of supply and demand.
Roughly 1,500 sperm are produced by a fertile man every second. (WOW!)
They want to get rid of it.
Just like a breastfeeding mother whose breasts become painfully engorged with milk for her child. She has to get rid of it by feeding her baby to relieve the pressure of the milk.
Sperm is the same. It kinda just keeps getting produced, whether a man likes it or not.
Women can eventually stop breastfeeding. But men, well…their sperm just keeps on coming, and the pressure needs to be relieved.
On the other hand, on average, each woman releases one luscious egg per menstrual cycle.
Kind of a big difference.
The pressure men feel to expel the excess sperm is almost daily – maybe several times a day for a young lad, is huge.
Yet for women, her need to have sex depends on many things; not just the daily routine production of sperm.
For example, it depends on if she’s ovulating, if there’s a lot of female competition around, on dopamine and excitement, and on whether there’s a highly valuable male that really turns her on (comparatively rare).
The COST for either sex if conception occurs?
Well, if conception occurs and a baby is on the way; a woman is left totally vulnerable for the next 9 months at LEAST. Add on breastfeeding and the physical exhaustion for years afterwards when chasing a toddler.
If conception occurs – the only time a man is potentially valuable by default is WHEN he’s making the baby.
After that; whether he invests his resources depends on how much attraction there was, and it depends on how much he loves the woman and how invested he was before they conceived.
Also, it depends on his values as man, of course.
Some men are nice and stay with women simply because they feel that they have to – not because they are madly in love.
For information on the 2 traits of women that men routinely fall in love with, click here.
If women have sex quickly in a low value fashion it sends a low value message
So – if women have sex easily in a low value fashion; regardless of contraception – it still sends a message to high value male mates that she should be avoided for RELATIONSHIP.
Not sex. Relationship.
It’s harder for her to get the devotion from a man; UNLESS there was investment and attraction from the man already established.
This poses an uncomfortable issue…(*purses mouth*)
What about the times when a woman actually WASN’T being “easy”?
But what about the times when a woman wasn’t actually being “easy”?
This is very hard for women, because, for those women that only sleep with a man – even quickly – when she genuinely feels an emotional connection with him – we may TOTALLY not be easy in our world because we love him – BUT – we very much risk losing a man’s TRUST.
This isn’t something to fear, it’s something to understand. Don’t forget that even if you feel sad about this – there are also many other men out there that you’ve made sad in the dating world with your female psychology.
It’s not a war – it’s about our genuine, heartfelt desire to put on a set of male glasses and feel their world.
She was a VIRGIN and he STILL thought she was easy?
Take this story (UNBELIEVABLE).
A reader of TheFeminineWoman once emailed us saying that she met a man online, and built up an emotional connection with him through online contact – even though they had not been on many dates before. She fell VERY hard for this nerdy, nervous man.
Then, she slept with him.
Then, he disappeared for a bit, and when they got in contact again, he said; “you seem like the kind of girl who does this a lot”.
She was a VIRGIN.
In her mid twenties.
So, in her own words, this lady ‘knows the art of not having sex’ – (to use her own words).
He – this man she fell in love with, basically didn’t believe her and lost trust in her and well, he left.
In my mind, I would hope that he would have the ability to feel her heart and know that she possibly loved him – but that doesn’t change his biological tendencies as a male.
Now, there are other little details to this story, of course.
But the crucial details are:
1) This woman developed a strong enough emotional connection (in her mind, not necessarily reciprocated by the man), that she was willing to sleep with him even though she was a virgin.
2) This man lost trust in her for a long term committed relationship – meaning, he couldn’t bring himself to invest his resources in her, for the very basic, historical, biological fear that many men have – that he would risk utter humiliation and a total waste of his resources, because if she could sleep with him this quickly – then she could potentially do it with other men easily too.
3) The most IMPORTANT point: we need to be perceptive and attuned to a man’s level of emotional investment in US – EVEN if WE are feeling totally emotionally in love and involved. We need to feel him; and his level of emotional commitment. Not his level of lust. But his level of emotional COMMITMENT.
Wouldn’t men ideally be man enough to overcome this fear?
Sure, ideally, men would most definitely be man enough, self confident enough and attuned enough to overcome this fear – or perhaps not even fear; but the aversion to – committing to women who sleep with them quickly.
(As I see it – often, this is not even a fear for the man – because he never got invested enough in the woman to feel fear – it’s simply an objective decision on his part)
IDEALLY – even if we were ultimately promiscuous, a man would be man enough, alpha enough – to OWN our soul so much, that we would have no choice but to remain faithful to him, because he adds so much value to our life.
But – you know, ideally a lot of things…
Ideally this, ideally that.
What matters when we want commitment is our Mate value to Men
If we are looking for a committed relationship, what ultimately matters is our mate value to men.
If we are courageous enough to go with our true heart’s craving of having all of a man (to have him give us EVERYTHING, his soul, his time, his attention, his life, his money, his trust, his love, his devotion, his children), then we must lead with our value first.
It’s gutsy and courageous to acknowledge our true heart’s craving and accept nothing less.
That’s why many women don’t do it; it’s just; scary. And it’s scary because if we ask for total devotion; we have to give it right back. It’s a high standard of relating to a man. We have to be real.
So, in my silly observation, what happens is that – we play this silly game of sleeping with men because we don’t know how to ask for his soul.
Or maybe, just maybe we sleep with men because we really wanted to.
We have a right to do that. There’s a thing called contraception and equal opportunity.
But – well, biology still exists in men.
Their forefathers conditioned their own DNA to look and seek out high mate value women for long term investment and commitment.
Ultimately, it is your choice.
Wait there is more!
After all the great feedback I received on this article, my readers wanted more.
So here is the continuation of this crazily long article…
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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