Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship? Can’t he just let me go?
Why does he keep getting in touch and stringing me along? He doesn’t even want a relationship with me!
“It’s annoying! If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, then just get out of my life!”
I get this question a lot and here’s the short answer…
It benefits him more to keep you around than it benefits him to let you go.
They keep you around because unless you’re super needy, a stalker, a violent woman, or causing him and the other people in his life too much grief, it benefits him more to keep you around.
It benefits him to keep you around because for men, women are a resource.
See, while I was thinking about this topic, I was considering this concept of women being a resource to men. And whilst I was thinking, I came up with the perfect term that I think will help you understand this phenomenon in men.
This term is “the harem effect”.
Perhaps if I describe it like this, it will help you understand the basic, biological reason why a man would want to try to keep you around if he doesn’t want a relationship.
What on Earth is “The harem effect”?
The definition of harem is: a group of female animals sharing a single mate. Or the women occupying a harem; the wives (or concubines) of a polygamous man.
Ok, so you’re not in a polygamous relationship with a man. In fact, you may be the only woman in this man’s life.
But just think about the harem effect like this. For many men, having at least 1 woman around is better than not having any women around.
He doesn’t have to have many girlfriends, concubines or wives around. All he needs is a minimum – key word minimum – of one girlfriend. One is better than none.
If he were to just let you go, where would the benefit be in that?
If you’re not causing him too much trouble, why let you go?
Causing trouble like, you know, like letting loose with your anger and scratching him. Biting him, egging his car, or stalking him or his cat.
If you’re not that crazy, then why oh why would he make the decision all by his own self, to say “bye” to you?
If he made the choice to get rid of you, then he’d be cutting himself off from accessing sex.
Have a think about it.
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He wants to “hoard” you
Yes, indeed. He wants to hoard you. In other words, he wants to make sure he gets access to you (to the exclusion of other men) while he still can.
Better still if he can keep you locked away in his basement and keep you all to himself (I’m so joking here. But you get the picture).
Once you have gotten a woman to open up and have sex with you, then this woman can give you a steady supply of sex for as long as you are willing to keep her around in your life.
Remember that men produce plenty of sperm. Too much, in fact.
So much that it has to get out. For a young guy, ONE DAY without masturbation or “release” is not so fun.
The 300 million sperm that they produce per day just builds up!
Men’s sperm production is like THIS?!
One day, my husband gave me an interesting analogy to help me understand this peculiar phenomenon.
He once compared this purely physical need that men have for ejaculation or “release” to my need to breastfeed our sons (wait what?). Bear with me on this one!
So I’ve exclusively breastfed both of our sons long-term.
As many breastfeeding moms would know, what happens if you breastfeed your baby exclusively and on demand, is that the supply of breast milk builds up in your breasts. And often!
In fact, when you produce enough milk, your breasts will sometimes become engorged and painfully hard (and oh do I remember those days).
If your baby is sleeping for longer than it normally would and hasn’t “removed” the built-up milk from your breasts, it becomes very uncomfortable and needs release.
Otherwise the feeling distracts you and overtakes your life.
When his sperm builds up, that’s when he needs YOU
Do you understand where I’m getting at with this?
It’s the same with men and their sperm. The sperm builds up quickly, and if there’s a woman around to “take” or “receive” that sperm in some way, that makes him one lucky man!
If there’s only one woman around (ie: you) to receive that sperm, that’s better than none.
It’s much better than just masturbating by himself to get rid of that sperm. For a man.
Again, unless you’re abusive, violent or a stalker. In that case, the cost of having you around would perhaps outweigh the benefits of keeping you around.
(Just for the record, in case anyone takes the analogy regarding breastfeeding to mean that my husband pressures me into sex, nothing could be further from the truth.)
He was just helping me understand the reality of life as a man, since this phenomenon isn’t easy for me to understand as a woman. I wanted to appreciate the reason why many men always seem “ready to go”, and such is the analogy I got. lol.
Men don’t get attached the same way you do
I’ve said this before so many times. Men can have sex with the same woman for ten years, and not become attached.
Yes, of course they also CAN get attached after having sex with a woman for 10 years, it is possible, when you look at the hormones of love in men and women.
For example, when men and women have sex, at the point of orgasm, levels of vasopressin dramatically increase in men, and levels of oxytocin dramatically increase in women.
This CAN cause a sense of “fusion” or feeling of attachment with your lover.
However, this happens most often for a man with a woman whom he already felt an attachment with and already intended to commit to.
The act of sex itself doesn’t cause the attachment to you.
And for most women out there who haven’t taken it upon themselves to understand men, this would be a foreign concept. They may not believe it to be true.
If you want to make smart choices, and appeal to the high value men, the smartest thing you can do is to seek to appreciate and understand men first.
If you would like to go deeper and gain a world-class understanding of men, join our thousands of member in our most popular program Understanding Men here.
Men don’t fall in love because of THIS…
Think about this for a minute. If all you needed to do was have sex with a man and let him orgasm in order to “get” his undying love and emotional commitment, then the world would look very different.
We’d see proportionally a lot more casual sex or one night stands leading to forever love!
If a man feeling attached to a woman through sex were always true with every woman, then wouldn’t things be super easy for women?
Here’s what I mean. Wouldn’t we see lots more adulterous married men leaving their families for the secretary that they had a tryst with?
Wouldn’t that simple act of casual sex invariably cause a man and woman to feel emotionally attached, fall in love and build a future together?
It can happen. Don’t get me wrong. But I would seriously caution you against assuming it will happen. Men don’t automatically get attached or even love you because you had sex.
There’s something I want you to understand. If you want to date and successfully find love, remember that there really is no short-cut to becoming a man’s one and only woman.
You need to be ‘the one & only’
You simply have to allow yourself to show up as the ‘one and only’. If you’re not the ‘one and only’, then you’re in a man’s ‘one of many’ basket.
And if you’re in the ‘one of many’ basket (which means he doesn’t truly want to invest in you), then often, he still won’t mind keeping you around in his life. That is until his one and only comes along.
Remember, a man will either invest everything in you, or invest just enough to keep you around. The only way to get him to invest everything in you is to show up as the one and only.
If you would like me to show you how to show up as the one and only, I share the 5 secrets to have him fall in love with you and beg you to be his one and only in my program “Becoming His One and Only”.
How men see their ‘one of many’ woman
Now, I thought long and hard before sharing the next part. I didn’t want to upset anyone. After all, that’s not my intent.
However, when we as women want answers, it’s important to receive the truthful ones. Not the sugar-coated ones.
Well, that’s what I think anyway. I’d rather see inside a man’s mind and truly understand what he’s thinking.
This is how I’d personally rather get my answer to the question “why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship”.
So, I had to make a difficult decision about what I’m about to share with you. I ultimately decided to share the screenshots I’m about to share, to help you understand.
I’m not condoning his aggressive tone, I’m not saying he’s right. I’m not saying every man would describe it the same way he has.
I’m just saying, this is how this man describes (albeit in a song), but still very accurately, how many men do secretly see their one of many woman. (The one of many woman, the one woman they will happily keep around, but never commit to or marry.)
It’s better that we understand than remain ignorant, right?
It’s good to have a different perspective than our own, right?
If you would like to get a feel for how one man sees his ‘one of many’ woman, then stay with me. Here’s a screenshot of some lyrics from a song called “Superman” by the famous rapper/singer Eminem, which (painfully) but necessarily describes the one of many woman.
And this one. Notice how he’s happy to keep her around and “be friends”?
Again, I’m not condoning his language or his approach. He’s notorious for violent lyrics. But he’s also popular for a reason (other than great marketing): I believe it’s because he is not censored. His lyrics are real and authentic to him.
Don’t take this to mean that he’s incapable of committing. Not at all. All men secretly love to commit to the right woman.
Testosterone drives down feelings of attachment
Here’s something that will help you understand further. Testosterone can drive down feelings of attachment.
As such, men with high baseline levels of testosterone get married less frequently, have more affairs, and divorce more often.
But regardless of a man’s baseline levels of testosterone, here’s a truth that I want you to know.
If a woman leads with sex and lust from the beginning with a man, that man will most likely compartmentalise her in his mind as a ‘one of many’ woman.
In other words, she won’t be “the one” he forms a romantic union or ‘pair bond’ with.
The woman who shows up as the one and only will be the one with whom he feels an emotional attachment for and falls in love with.
How you start off with a man really matters. If you began with sex, it may very well end with sex.
Only, unfortunately as a woman, it is you and not him, who will have to pick up the pieces after forming an attachment with him.
Just because you are attached to him, doesn’t mean he is attached to you
Men don’t just get emotionally attached through sex the way us women would get attached.
For us, it’s very hard to let go of attachment once we’ve given our body to a man.
We can detach, of course, and many women deal with their tendency to attach early, by never seeing a man again after having one-time sex or a one night stand.
(And a lot of men are left wondering: “why did she leave after only one bang?!”)
The answer is: possibly because either she only wanted sex, or more likely she was trying to avoid the trap of emotional attachment with you!
We tend to get very emotionally involved, and fear abandonment when we attach. And, we don’t always like that feeling. Correct?
Here are 6 burning signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
It’s not as easy for women to “detach”
It isn’t always that easy for a woman to detach.
In fact, if you want to “even the playing field” with men and not get too attached, then promise yourself this now. Never have sex with men unless they are emotionally attached or emotionally committed to you.
Never. (that’s if you want to even the playing field between yourself and men).
By the way, there’s a huge cost for women who engage in casual sex. Learn about the secret cost of casual sex for women here.
Because here’s the truth: you can’t expect men to attach to you just because he’s been having sex with you for 10 years, 10 months or even 10 weeks.
So, never confuse him keeping you around with him loving you.
Especially never confuse him keeping you around with the idea that he might be ‘in love’ with you.
(And I really do mean in love, not infatuated with you. A man being infatuated with you is really not worth much to you. Other than an ego boost.)
If a man is in love with you, romantically attached and forming a genuine pair bond with you, you will know. The man will pine for you and miss you badly.
You would have hijacked his brain, he won’t be able to stop thinking about you, and he won’t stop giving off signs that he is falling in love.
Want to learn ONE thing that you can text to any man to capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say? Find out what the ONE thing you can say to him is here.
It benefits women to say goodbye to a man who isn’t committing
As a woman yourself, it benefits you to say goodbye to a man who isn’t committing to you. Because the more you invest in him emotionally and/or have sex with him, the more likely it is that you will get emotionally attached to him.
It will only get harder for you to leave him. You may try to leave, but his attempts to pull you back will often succeed (because you’re already attached).
Plus, always remember this. If you’re attached to a man already, regardless of whether he is ‘the one’ or not, it will be harder for you to find and keep a new, better man.
See, the more emotionally attached you become to a non-committal man, the bigger the costs you incur in your emotional, mental and sexual health.
It does not work this way with men.
Here are 10 Signs of A Commitment Phobic Man.
Again. They can keep having sex with you and not have any feelings involved.
Bottom line is: if he never became emotionally attached to you, the chances of him doing so now, depend largely on your ability to create an emotional bond with him.
It’s harder to create that emotional bond after leading with sex.
However, it is possible. If you would like to learn how, I suggest checking out “Becoming His One & Only”.
Sex does not = LOVE for men
You may be wondering why it is harder to forge an emotional bond with a man after you had a largely sexual relationship with him? It is because men separate sex from love.
Sex does not = love.
Love does not = sex.
The following insight is taken from a popular article by D.Shen on How to Understand Men: 5 Things Every Woman Ought to Know About Men:
One of the biggest and most important insights you need to understand is that for a man, love and sex are two different and separate processes.
If you were to examine a feminine woman’s brain through an MRI scan, you’d see that the parts of her brain that light up for sex are quite similar to the parts of her brain that light up for love.
There’s a big overlap.
Whereas for most masculine men, the overlap is very small. In other words, the part of his brain that lights up when thinking about sex is very different to the parts of his brain thinking about love.
Think about this. If you (yes you), were so detached from the emotional side of sex, (and all you needed was a “release”), then…wouldn’t sex not mean a whole lot to you, either?
Walk away when he’s just keeping you around without commitment
Here’s my recommendation to you: if a man is just keeping you around without wanting to commit to you at all, then ask yourself: “CAN I afford that lost time?”
…And ask yourself: “is it worth my effort to build that emotional bond with him?”
Only you can answer that question.
If you believe it is worth the effort, great. You put that effort in. But you should be sure, and you should know that the focus has to be on emotional connection and not the sexual relationship that you have with him.
And if it turns out that it’s not worth it to try to forge that emotional bond with him, remember that you must grieve the loss of this man (who was stringing you along).
Don’t allow the half-in-half-out situation to continue any longer. This is for your emotional and mental health.
And once you’ve grieved, you can then start off strong with a new man and form an emotional attachment with him from the beginning.
Would you like to know the ONE specific emotional hot button within every single man in this world that inspires him to WANT to commit to one woman, take care of her and worship her for life? Find out this one specific emotional hot button here.
I hope this article answered your question of why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship.
As always, leave me your comment telling me what you feel and think. It really helps us all to learn from each other!
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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