Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?

Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship? Can’t he just let me go? 

Why does he keep getting in touch and stringing me along? He doesn’t even want a relationship with me!

“It’s annoying! If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, then just get out of my life!”

I get this question a lot and here’s the short answer…

It benefits him more to keep you around than it benefits him to let you go. 

They keep you around because unless you’re super needy, a stalker, a violent woman, or causing him and the other people in his life too much grief, it benefits him more to keep you around.

It benefits him to keep you around because for men, women are a resource. 

Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 8 Question Quiz!

See, while I was thinking about this topic, I was considering this concept of women being a resource to men. And whilst I was thinking, I came up with the perfect term that I think will help you understand this phenomenon in men. 

This term is “the harem effect”. 

Perhaps if I describe it like this, it will help you understand the basic, biological reason why a man would want to try to keep you around if he doesn’t want a relationship.

What on Earth is “The harem effect”?

The definition of harem is: a group of female animals sharing a single mate. Or the women occupying a harem; the wives (or concubines) of a polygamous man. 

Ok, so you’re not in a polygamous relationship with a man. In fact, you may be the only woman in this man’s life.

But just think about the harem effect like this. For many men, having at least 1 woman around is better than not having any women around. 

He doesn’t have to have many girlfriends, concubines or wives around. All he needs is a minimum – key word minimum – of one girlfriend. One is better than none.

If he were to just let you go, where would the benefit be in that?

If you’re not causing him too much trouble, why let you go?

Causing trouble like, you know, like letting loose with your anger and scratching him. Biting him, egging his car, or stalking him or his cat.

If you’re not that crazy, then why oh why would he make the decision all by his own self, to say “bye” to you? 

If he made the choice to get rid of you, then he’d be cutting himself off from accessing sex.

Have a think about it.

CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)

He wants to “hoard” you 

Yes, indeed. He wants to hoard you. In other words, he wants to make sure he gets access to you (to the exclusion of other men) while he still can.

Better still if he can keep you locked away in his basement and keep you all to himself (I’m so joking here. But you get the picture). 

Once you have gotten a woman to open up and have sex with you, then this woman can give you a steady supply of sex for as long as you are willing to keep her around in your life.

Remember that men produce plenty of sperm. Too much, in fact.

So much that it has to get out. For a young guy, ONE DAY without masturbation or “release” is not so fun.

The 300 million sperm that they produce per day just builds up!

Men’s sperm production is like THIS?!

One day, my husband gave me an interesting analogy to help me understand this peculiar phenomenon. 

He once compared this purely physical need that men have for ejaculation or “release” to my need to breastfeed our sons (wait what?). Bear with me on this one! 

So I’ve exclusively breastfed both of our sons long-term. 

As many breastfeeding moms would know, what happens if you breastfeed your baby exclusively and on demand, is that the supply of breast milk builds up in your breasts. And often!

In fact, when you produce enough milk, your breasts will sometimes become engorged and painfully hard (and oh do I remember those days).

If your baby is sleeping for longer than it normally would and hasn’t “removed” the built-up milk from your breasts, it becomes very uncomfortable and needs release.

Otherwise the feeling distracts you and overtakes your life.

When his sperm builds up, that’s when he needs YOU

Do you understand where I’m getting at with this?

It’s the same with men and their sperm. The sperm builds up quickly, and if there’s a woman around to “take” or “receive” that sperm in some way, that makes him one lucky man!

If there’s only one woman around (ie: you) to receive that sperm, that’s better than none.

It’s much better than just masturbating by himself to get rid of that sperm. For a man. 

Again, unless you’re abusive, violent or a stalker. In that case, the cost of having you around would perhaps outweigh the benefits of keeping you around.

(Just for the record, in case anyone takes the analogy regarding breastfeeding to mean that my husband pressures me into sex, nothing could be further from the truth.)

He was just helping me understand the reality of life as a man, since this phenomenon isn’t easy for me to understand as a woman. I wanted to appreciate the reason why many men always seem “ready to go”, and such is the analogy I got. lol.

why keep me around when he doesn't want relationship

Men don’t get attached the same way you do

I’ve said this before so many times. Men can have sex with the same woman for ten years, and not become attached.

Yes, of course they also CAN get attached after having sex with a woman for 10 years, it is possible, when you look at the hormones of love in men and women.

For example, when men and women have sex, at the point of orgasm, levels of vasopressin dramatically increase in men, and levels of oxytocin dramatically increase in women. 

This CAN cause a sense of “fusion” or feeling of attachment with your lover.

However, this happens most often for a man with a woman whom he already felt an attachment with and already intended to commit to.

The act of sex itself doesn’t cause the attachment to you.

And for most women out there who haven’t taken it upon themselves to understand men, this would be a foreign concept. They may not believe it to be true.

If you want to make smart choices, and appeal to the high value men, the smartest thing you can do is to seek to appreciate and understand men first.

If you would like to go deeper and gain a world-class understanding of men, join our thousands of member in our most popular program Understanding Men here.

Men don’t fall in love because of THIS…

Think about this for a minute. If all you needed to do was have sex with a man and let him orgasm in order to “get” his undying love and emotional commitment, then the world would look very different.

We’d see proportionally a lot more casual sex or one night stands leading to forever love!

If a man feeling attached to a woman through sex were always true with every woman, then wouldn’t things be super easy for women?

Here’s what I mean. Wouldn’t we see lots more adulterous married men leaving their families for the secretary that they had a tryst with?

Wouldn’t that simple act of casual sex invariably cause a man and woman to feel emotionally attached, fall in love and build a future together?

It can happen. Don’t get me wrong. But I would seriously caution you against assuming it will happen. Men don’t automatically get attached or even love you because you had sex.

There’s something I want you to understand. If you want to date and successfully find love, remember that there really is no short-cut to becoming a man’s one and only woman.

You need to be ‘the one & only’

You simply have to allow yourself to show up as the ‘one and only’. If you’re not the ‘one and only’, then you’re in a man’s ‘one of many’ basket.

And if you’re in the ‘one of many’ basket (which means he doesn’t truly want to invest in you), then often, he still won’t mind keeping you around in his life.  That is until his one and only comes along.

Remember, a man will either invest everything in you, or invest just enough to keep you around. The only way to get him to invest everything in you is to show up as the one and only.

If you would like me to show you how to show up as the one and only, I share the 5 secrets to have him fall in love with you and beg you to be his one and only in my program “Becoming His One and Only”.

How men see their ‘one of many’ woman

Now, I thought long and hard before sharing the next part. I didn’t want to upset anyone. After all, that’s not my intent. 

However, when we as women want answers, it’s important to receive the truthful ones. Not the sugar-coated ones. 

Well, that’s what I think anyway. I’d rather see inside a man’s mind and truly understand what he’s thinking.

This is how I’d personally rather get my answer to the question “why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship”.

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

So, I had to make a difficult decision about what I’m about to share with you. I ultimately decided to share the screenshots I’m about to share, to help you understand. 

I’m not condoning his aggressive tone, I’m not saying he’s right. I’m not saying every man would describe it the same way he has.

I’m just saying, this is how this man describes (albeit in a song), but still very accurately, how many men do secretly see their one of many woman. (The one of many woman, the one woman they will happily keep around, but never commit to or marry.)

It’s better that we understand than remain ignorant, right?

It’s good to have a different perspective than our own, right?

If you would like to get a feel for how one man sees his ‘one of many’ woman, then stay with me. Here’s a screenshot of some lyrics from a song called “Superman” by the famous rapper/singer Eminem, which (painfully) but necessarily describes the one of many woman.

And this one. Notice how he’s happy to keep her around and “be friends”?

Again, I’m not condoning his language or his approach. He’s notorious for violent lyrics. But he’s also popular for a reason (other than great marketing): I believe it’s because he is not censored. His lyrics are real and authentic to him.

Don’t take this to mean that he’s incapable of committing. Not at all. All men secretly love to commit to the right woman.

Testosterone drives down feelings of attachment

Here’s something that will help you understand further. Testosterone can drive down feelings of attachment. 

As such, men with high baseline levels of testosterone get married less frequently, have more affairs, and divorce more often.

But regardless of a man’s baseline levels of testosterone, here’s a truth that I want you to know. 

If a woman leads with sex and lust from the beginning with a man, that man will most likely compartmentalise her in his mind as a ‘one of many’ woman.

In other words, she won’t be “the one” he forms a romantic union or ‘pair bond’ with.

The woman who shows up as the one and only will be the one with whom he feels an emotional attachment for and falls in love with.

How you start off with a man really matters. If you began with sex, it may very well end with sex. 

Only, unfortunately as a woman, it is you and not him, who will have to pick up the pieces after forming an attachment with him.

Here are 6 behaviours you should never tolerate in a man!

CLICK HERE to discover how deeply feminine you actually are with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

Just because you are attached to him, doesn’t mean he is attached to you

Men don’t just get emotionally attached through sex the way us women would get attached.

For us, it’s very hard to let go of attachment once we’ve given our body to a man. 

We can detach, of course, and many women deal with their tendency to attach early, by never seeing a man again after having one-time sex or a one night stand.

(And a lot of men are left wondering: “why did she leave after only one bang?!”)

The answer is: possibly because either she only wanted sex, or more likely she was trying to avoid the trap of emotional attachment with you!

We tend to get very emotionally involved, and fear abandonment when we attach. And, we don’t always like that feeling. Correct?

Here are 6 burning signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

It’s not as easy for women to “detach”

It isn’t always that easy for a woman to detach.

In fact, if you want to “even the playing field” with men and not get too attached, then promise yourself this now. Never have sex with men unless they are emotionally attached or emotionally committed to you.

Never. (that’s if you want to even the playing field between yourself and men).

By the way, there’s a huge cost for women who engage in casual sex. Learn about the secret cost of casual sex for women here. 

Because here’s the truth: you can’t expect men to attach to you just because he’s been having sex with you for 10 years, 10 months or even 10 weeks.

So, never confuse him keeping you around with him loving you.

Especially never confuse him keeping you around with the idea that he might be ‘in love’ with you.

(And I really do mean in love, not infatuated with you. A man being infatuated with you is really not worth much to you. Other than an ego boost.)

If a man is in love with you, romantically attached and forming a genuine pair bond with you, you will know. The man will pine for you and miss you badly.

You would have hijacked his brain, he won’t be able to stop thinking about you, and he won’t stop giving off signs that he is falling in love.

Want to learn ONE thing that you can text to any man to capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say? Find out what the ONE thing you can say to him is here.

CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.

It benefits women to say goodbye to a man who isn’t committing

As a woman yourself, it benefits you to say goodbye to a man who isn’t committing to you. Because the more you invest in him emotionally and/or have sex with him, the more likely it is that you will get emotionally attached to him.

It will only get harder for you to leave him. You may try to leave, but his attempts to pull you back will often succeed (because you’re already attached). 

Plus, always remember this. If you’re attached to a man already, regardless of whether he is ‘the one’ or not, it will be harder for you to find and keep a new, better man.

See, the more emotionally attached you become to a non-committal man, the bigger the costs you incur in your emotional, mental and sexual health.

It does not work this way with men.

Here are 10 Signs of A Commitment Phobic Man.

Again. They can keep having sex with you and not have any feelings involved.

Bottom line is: if he never became emotionally attached to you, the chances of him doing so now, depend largely on your ability to create an emotional bond with him.

It’s harder to create that emotional bond after leading with sex.

However, it is possible. If you would like to learn how, I suggest checking out “Becoming His One & Only”

Sex does not = LOVE for men

You may be wondering why it is harder to forge an emotional bond with a man after you had a largely sexual relationship with him? It is because men separate sex from love.

Sex does not = love.

Love does not = sex.

The following insight is taken from a popular article by D.Shen on How to Understand Men: 5 Things Every Woman Ought to Know About Men

One of the biggest and most important insights you need to understand is that for a man, love and sex are two different and separate processes.

If you were to examine a feminine woman’s brain through an MRI scan, you’d see that the parts of her brain that light up for sex are quite similar to the parts of her brain that light up for love.

There’s a big overlap.

Whereas for most masculine men, the overlap is very small. In other words, the part of his brain that lights up when thinking about sex is very different to the parts of his brain thinking about love.

Think about this. If you (yes you), were so detached from the emotional side of sex, (and all you needed was a “release”), then…wouldn’t sex not mean a whole lot to you, either?

CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!

Walk away when he’s just keeping you around without commitment

Here’s my recommendation to you: if a man is just keeping you around without wanting to commit to you at all, then ask yourself: “CAN I afford that lost time?”

And ask yourself: “is it worth my effort to build that emotional bond with him?”

Only you can answer that question. 

If you believe it is worth the effort, great. You put that effort in. But you should be sure, and you should know that the focus has to be on emotional connection and not the sexual relationship that you have with him.

And if it turns out that it’s not worth it to try to forge that emotional bond with him, remember that you must grieve the loss of this man (who was stringing you along).

Don’t allow the half-in-half-out situation to continue any longer. This is for your emotional and mental health.

And once you’ve grieved, you can then start off strong with a new man and form an emotional attachment with him from the beginning.

Would you like to know the ONE specific emotional hot button within every single man in this world that inspires him to WANT to commit to one woman, take care of her and worship her for life? Find out this one specific emotional hot button here.

I hope this article answered your question of why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship.

As always, leave me your comment telling me what you feel and think. It really helps us all to learn from each other! 

renee wade what to do when he doesn't call
5 4 votes
Article Rating

High Value Women Group

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
14 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Koko
Koko

What about the guy that you are dating and you are not having sex?
He has asked me if I’m sexually attracted to him and I advised him yes I am but however and has never happened yet. He has since then canceled a couple of dates that he himself made. He still contacts me and we Chit Chat and Justice pathway he’s set up a date and then cancelled due to illness. I’m not sure what to do at this point.

Denise
Denise

Thanks for this very clear and insightful article! I love the way you explain things with simplicity and good examples (even if they feel harsh sometimes) It all makes sense. I’d like to add men not only keep women around for sex. They also do to have a resource of affection, tenderness, emotional support… So this can also be very confusing to women who do not engage in sex soon with a man. These men date women to ‘take value’ in a selfish way. Now I have a question: for the past few years I’ve only been walking away… I… Read more »

Mayy
Mayy

I think I am in this situation. (I just know it.) It’s very hard to get out of this. I am so much emotional attached to him. We chat for many months until he came to meet me and spent time to explore the city together. He is so nice, kind and warm to be with. He is so sweet & treated me very well with respect. (No intimacy yet, just kissing, hugging, snuggling) Once I asked him what are we? He told me that …. “We did this (kissing, hugging, snuggling) because we like each other. We are special… Read more »

Ofelia
Ofelia

I know a guy who refuses to commit to my friend, but he keeps coming around even after she goes completely crazy when she finds out about his other women. She has already cracked all his car windows, embarrassed him in front of family & friends. He cheats all the time & has gotten a few women pregnant. She cries to me “why, why won’t he just leave me alone!?” 🙁 I never knew what to say, because even i’ve questioned why a guy wanted to still call and hang out with me even though he wouldn’t commit. but now… Read more »

April🌺
April🌺

Thanks Renee. I’ve been following you and your husband for years and you both have really helped me. I had a question, I just walked away from a guy who wouldn’t commit. It hurts but I’m okay because he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship in the beginning (he went thru a bitter divorce 3 years ago that he said scarred him). Here’s the thing I’m trying to understand: its CLEAR he loves me. I see it and I feel it. How can a man love a woman and be willing to lose her? He said he didn’t… Read more »

April🌺
April🌺
Reply to  April🌺

Btw, we started off as friends with benefits but transitioned into actually dating but we were not having sex at that time.

Kate
Kate

He was so interested in the beginning, caring, helpful, full of energy. Now he spends his time playing video games with his buddies. We had a crisis because of my affair (yes, I cheated on him because I felt alone, unappreciated, unseen) but things after that basically returned to normal meaning we are drifting apart. I’ve done tons of work on myslef in the last year, I’ve leveled up my looks, my wordrobe, I started a better diet, exercising on a regular basis, I am going back to university in October To study art history. And he runs in an… Read more »

Agatha
Agatha

I have been in this situation with my ex. It was very painful. Many times I literally had to beg for us to spend time together and even then we had to do something he wanted to do. It was always football first, his friends and only then me if he had no other plans. Every time I tried to talk to him about it. He would give me a blank face. We also used to live together and he would bring his friends over when I was trying to sleep and then would be partying all night long, my… Read more »

Send this to a friend