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Article updated 2018

What to DO when your Boyfriend is still emotionally Attached to his Ex

A question from Kira:

“Dear Renee,

After reading your writing for awhile now, I’d like your input on something.

My boyfriend still shares his cell phone family plan with his ex girl friend, who he split up with two years ago. They work together she can easily pay him. Additionally, I manage his bills and pay it online for him.

After about a year I brought it up, but he said he felt bad that it would be more expensive for her, so he wanted to wait awhile. Several months later, same thing.

Recently he’s said he would, but that when he asked her she cried (or was hurt). He becomes very upset when I bring it up, refusing to talk about it. He always says he hears me and he will do it, later. Today I wasn’t able to drop it so I said, why can’t you do it today? He became so upset he walked away from me.

Lastly, he has mentioned that he wants his own phone bill when he takes her off. In other words, he won’t put me on it.

Other than this, our relationship is going fine. I don’t understand, and I’m hoping you can shed some light.

Thank you,

Kira”

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MY RESPONSE

Kira,

Most women reading this would totally relate to your feeling let down by this situation (at the least). As do I.

You want to understand, so I’m going to tell you why this is happening.

At the end of my response, I will give you the way you can get him to start taking more care of you than he does his ex girlfriend.

Let’s think about this – You are asking a man to willingly cause a vulnerable woman to cry by withdrawing his ex from his phone bill. His ex girlfriend, specifically.

Once a man has once fallen in to the role of taking care of a woman like your boyfriend has, it takes understanding and respect for the masculine nature to get him to change that and start doing it for you.

(Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

Once that ‘taking care of’ and ‘committed’ button has been TRIGGERED in a man (as it has clearly been triggered already by his ex girlfriend), it’s very common for it never to stop; even after he dies. That is how powerful the commitment trigger is.

And BECAUSE it’s an EMOTIONAL trigger in a man, this trigger can only be tied to ONE woman. Again, I will give you the strategy how you can get it to be you very soon. But you can’t jump to the strategy without understanding first. You’ll just make him hate you more and pull away from you cold. So read carefully.

He’s still emotionally committed to her in this way, because she triggered this in him.

This is the same reason why many women have A LOT of trouble getting divorced men to stop running to take care of their ex wives even if they are in a new relationship…it’s because it’s not that logical and most women try to CONVINCE a man to stop taking care of an ex using ‘logical’ verbal arguments. Does NOT work!

It has to be an emotional association with YOU.

The commitment trigger in men is really that biological AND emotional.

It’s not logical. You can’t tell a man: ‘you should not have this woman on the same phone plan as you and pay for her share because you are in a new relationship.’

It’s the same way you can’t say to a man: “BE ATTRACTED TO ME NOW!”

Because Attraction is NOT logical.

And when he says he ‘feels bad’ taking her off, he means that.

Exactly that.

You can’t take away his need to be her Hero

Exactly what he says. He feels bad. He doesn’t want you to get him to do something that makes him the bad guy. He’d rather be the Hero. A man will do anything to be a Hero (if he’s the driven type of man and in touch with his masculinity). This is why superhero movies have an audience.

Yes, paying a woman’s phone bill can be a small feeling that he is her hero.

He’s another every day guy who has committed emotionally to his ex girlfriend.

And your boyfriend gets annoyed when you ask him to let go and stop doing this because it’s like you letting go of your biological need to have children (you have it even if you somehow got conditioned to think you didn’t. Every feminine woman has this biological drive).

I always thought my husband David was kidding when he said that even if I left him for another man, he would STILL take care of me financially…he wouldn’t withdraw anything that he currently pays for. He may not be with me (that’s for him to decide), but he will take CARE of me. And; he meant it. He’s driven to do so; it’s not really a logical choice, for him. For some men, who take care of a woman out of OBLIGATION might withdraw commitment and support.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Not a man who has genuinely had his internal ‘commitment’ button triggered by a genuine feminine woman. And my husband gives everything he has to me, almost nothing to himself. I used to think he was only just generous, and he is.

But this kind of behaviour also not uncommon for a masculine man who has had his internal commitment gene triggered…

Ever noticed that FAR MORE divorces are initiated by WOMEN? (There could be a number of reasons for this – I’m not naively saying it’s ONLY due to what I’m talking about here, but I am suggesting it is one possible reason).

Here’s how you are UNKNOWINGLY contributing to your own Problem…

Kira, I know that was hard to hear. But it’s not your fault. Fact is, it’s very easy to fall in to this role with a man.

ANY woman could fall in to this position. Even the women who can apparently get any man they want.

This is where you’re contributing to your own problem:

You’re willingly carrying the masculine energy by being the ‘go getter’, the ‘manager’ by taking care of his bills online for him.

So, he ASSOCIATES zero internal emotional drive to take care of YOU.

It’s no different to the ‘nice guy’ desperately wanting his girlfriend to give him a blow job, being nicer and nicer to her, when inside, she just wishes he’d be a little less boring and a little less nice so she COULD feel enough attraction for him in order to do that.

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

What you’re doing is not Wrong… it’s just not right for what you DESIRE in a Relationship

NOW – before you think that what you’re doing is the WRONG thing to do – it’s NOT. It may work for some relationships for other people.

Only, it isn’t working for you. Otherwise you’d be fine with him still being semi committed to his ex girlfriend in this way.

You’re being his manager with the phone bills, so he is NOT in a care taking role with you. I am suggesting that you fell in to a different role with this man than his ex girlfriend did, and so you bring out a different side of him than his ex girlfriend does.

You actually want a passionate relationship with a masculine man where you can carry most of the feminine energy, that’s the feeling I get from your writing. But you’re ENCOURAGING the opposite through the role you’re taking up.

You could say you are carrying the masculine energy by managing his bills, and he is relaxing, sitting back in his feminine energy, letting you do it.

This is not wrong, it’s just not a good place for you, considering what you want in your intimate relationship.

So you can’t ask for him to sacrifice the part of him that wants to be a hero for this other woman. You simply can’t, because you’re willingly saying, through your actions, “I’m taking care of YOU, boyfriend”.

Now, the question is; how often are you showing up in this masculine role with him? And in how many other areas of his life are you doing it? Only you can answer that.

Maybe it’s just with the bills, but I am not sure. I am giving you the best answer I’ve got with the facts that I have right now.

See…this habit of thinking that helping a man is the way to get him to like and commit, is the SAME mistake I see time after time, over and over, in many women, in every country across the world. It’s getting old, which is why I’m doing everything I can on this website to show women how to stop this mistake!

It’s an innocent mistake that is costing many women on this earth the opportunity to have a deeply passionate relationship and to be worshiped by her man.

Helping a man and managing a man’s finances permanently doesn’t make him feel passion for you, and it certainly doesn’t bring him closer, and in no way does it make him MORE COMMITTED to you.

In order for him to Worship you and commit deeply –

You’re going to have to NEED him more than his ex girlfriend does.

And to begin to need him, you’re going to have to let your feminine energy show up more, and stop taking the ‘manager’ role.

Now, you’re going to have to NEED him more than his ex girlfriend needs him.

AND, here’s a note about that: it’s not a guarantee, and it’s not a competition. I’m not trying to get you in to some bitch fight or tough competition, pitting yourself against his ex.

Because she fell in to this role with him for a reason….it served them in the past.

And the role you fell in to with your boyfriend serves YOU both in its own way.

You have to ask yourself whether you’re willing to surrender to Masculine energy or not. To let go. To feel free to be who you really are at your core (if you’re truly feminine) – my assumption through the information you’ve given me is that you are the more feminine type of woman, you’re just falling in to the masculine energy.

Again, it’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. But if you want more personal power, I’m giving you a helping hand.

For all I know, your man could do with some relationship advice BUT he is not the one emailing me. So I am not advising him.

It’s not a GUARANTEE:

Once a man has started taking care of a woman in his past, it takes some deep care and understanding on your part to pull him away from that (and personally, if it was me in this case,I wouldn’t want to rob him of that feeling of being her hero, so I’d either choose to need him more and STAY with him, or leave and find my own man who wants to take care of me).

Why have you unconsciously chosen to carry the masculine energy?

Now I wan to ask you….why are you managing his bills?

You can answer that for yourself. I am going to guess…I believe it might be because you think THAT is the way to get him, to keep him. And it is not. Again, this is why I do what I do….because I believe more women need to understand how men truly are built…how their biological commitment buttons can be triggered or turned off by different women. This is also the reason why men marry some women and not others.

A man won’t commit to a woman who doesn’t need him.

A man WON’T commit to a woman who doesn’t need him.

I repeat that because it’s so important.

He might STAY in a relationship so he can get access to emotional connection, and because it’s comfortable (people do this all the time, males and females). Often it’s best to stay in a mediocre relationship until something better comes along, for many people. And I’m sure you have witnessed this.

But staying in a relationship doesn’t mean a man is committed and it doesn’t mean he will be your hero, and stop being his ex’s hero. Unless you’re more vulnerable, and you trigger his masculine energy associated with YOU.

This is why your FEMININE energy is so important!

(Click here to take the quiz “How Naturally Feminine Am?”)

You can influence almost any man to do anything….if you add enough value by living in your authentic feminine energy. Not trying to be the man.

It’s MUCH easier to trigger a man’s sexual instinct than it is to trigger his Commitment Gene for MOST women, because they don’t understand men. And of course, this is not taught in schools.

Well, I believe your intimate relationship is THE most important area of your LIFE! If you’re not happy in your relationship with a man, you’re not happy altogether.  Full stop.

For me as a woman, I take a lot of risks teaching any of this, because it’s just not cool in amongst women’s groups to deliver the news that you can’t EXPECT a man to stop taking care of his ex’s bill as a matter of logical request. It’s not cool, so I risk being the outcast (hence why so many women hate my work).

But I’m here to serve, and I want you to know that there IS hope to get your man more committed to you than he is to his ex, and even more, – you can have him willingly being your hero and be sure of his love only for you….it just requires your willingness to work with how males are wired, not how you think they SHOULD be wired, and what’s convenient for you.

OBJECTIVELY speaking, both sex OR Commitment are just as easy to Trigger in a Man

But let me tell you, objectively speaking, it is JUST as easy either way – you can trigger men to commit, or you can trigger men to desire sex with you and be with you out of comfort and that’s it.

All based on which you choose to do. The power is in your hands. They are switches you can willingly and actively turn on or off.

Only, both of them requires sacrifice.

You need to show up in a different role than what you have been used to for these past decades.

So let me show you how to do this.

I will do this by asking you a question.

(If you are NOT Kira, but you are reading this, stop reading because it doesn’t apply to you. I’M KIDDING. Please do this exercise WITH me and Kira, because it applies to EVERY woman who wants a relationship with a masculine man who takes care of her.)

Has there ever been a moment in your life where you relaxed and just allowed a man to do something for you?

It doesn’t matter who the man is. Your father, your brother, a stranger, a bum on the street, and ex boyfriend…

And do you remember feeling uncomfortable in that moment, but surrendering and relaxing in to it anyway. Maybe you only relaxed in to it because you felt you had no choice but to need his help (and THIS is what we are looking for! The feeling that you NEED the help).

I want you to focus on that moment.

Breather as you were breathing then.

Feel the intense vulnerability it took for you to let him do that for you…feel the guilt you felt about it. Feel everything.

And then, feel what it felt like to let go of the guilt and let him do it.

Now, there’s a chance that you didn’t do this at the time and instead you BLOCKED it all out. DON’T do that.

Blocking things out is the ENEMY of true feminine energy. I want you to feel, to let go, and to surrender to needing a man’s help.

It could have been as simple as him opening a door.

Can you do that for me?

I promise no one’s watching and it’s ok to do this.

No one is going to hurt you.

No one is going to tell you off for doing this. If there is someone telling you off in your voices in your head, tell them to F*** off.

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

The most IMPORTANT STEP

Once you’ve done that, now go back to that moment and focus on the MAN. Focus on how HE really felt, helping you.

Because you probably didn’t let yourself focus on that way back when this incident happened.

Focus on how proud he was to have been an unknown hero just for a split second, for a girl who needed him.

Focus on how wonderful he REALLY felt for the opportunity to help a woman genuinely needing it.

Focus on how RIGHT it is that you were simply letting yourself receive his help.

And how beautiful a thing that is.

Isn’t it nice to be the blossoming flower that opens with color and joy when someone gives you a little extra water?

Isn’t is nice to feel *GASP* – RADIANT???! And Feminine??

You tell me.

This is where you need to be, in order to inspire your man to take care of you. Whether he still pays for his ex’s phone bill is irrelevant for now.

It’s too small a matter in comparison to your ability to tap in to this role, to tap in to your radiance and openness and willingness to be in your feminine energy.

And if it turns out that he is too emotionally joined at the hip to his ex girlfriend, and still wants to take care of her even after you do this for one whole month or more….

Be grateful. Thank him for being a man.

And more IMPORTANTLY….Thank both of them, for delivering you the message you needed in order to be lead to your own Hero one day soon.

I truly believe every experience we have is calling for us to listen up to the secret lesson within it.

Don’t miss such a golden opportunity. Don’t miss the lesson by hating her and trying to force him to stop taking care of her – you’ll miss out on that beautiful relationship you so deeply desire.

And always remember, your knowledge with men is your power with Men. If you want more, click here to get more information on our Understanding Men.

And to get almost any man to be committed to YOU (because True commitment can only for one woman, as I say in one of my Free Email Newsletters), join us in the Commitment Control 2.0. As a preparation for the membership, you can click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass.

Love,

Renee.

P.S – if you liked this Q and A article, please do leave me a comment letting me know what you’ve learned. Also tell me what you think, give your opinion, or let me know how it made you feel. I love reading your comments! 🙂

P.P.S. Connect with me on social media.

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Barbara
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Barbara

Thank you I have read the Queens Code which also touches on this subject
But sometimes when men have let you financial down in the past it’s hard to give up the reins, but I’ll keep practicing

Maryrsndall
Guest
Maryrsndall

My ex husband pays all my bills he pays me alimony he,has a girlfriend of 3 years but he yells me its both what I think it is they do not live to get her he sees he on week ends we ‘re, we were married 27 years I have my daughter with me but he tells me the relationship is not what I think it is they don’t live together he said they will never get married so what does this mean we live in separate states what does that mean could anyone could any man tell me what… Read more »

Alana Humaayoon
Guest
Alana Humaayoon

Thank you so much …. I feel better about my new relationship. I’ll keep you posted

Cody Campbell
Guest
Cody Campbell

I would like to point out that an internal commitment gene is not a real thing and you should refrain from using pseudo scientific words in your articles. Come on, it’s ridiculous and draws away from an otherwise fairly good article.

Roger Abbey
Guest
Roger Abbey

I am in the opposite position my wife to be still shares all her bills with the ex husband they have been divorced for 12 years and she still has joint accounts with him , phone, insurance, membership cards … She pays his bills and he reimburse s her

Nat
Guest
Nat

By the way…in some countries, men are very money-picking….this isn’t in alignment with the masculine desire of providing…what about that??

Nat
Guest
Nat

Hello Renee, First of all, thank you for ALL the VERY insightful information! :)))) It honestly is the BEST ever. I have bought the Understanding Men and the Commitment Control Monthly so far and I am litterally amazed. There are a few questions remaining. Concerning the money department, I have a question regarding the paying of bills in bars and restaurants, especially on the first dates…I don’t want the man to think that i profit of him, on the other hand, it is a nice feeling to be invited. It is always a very awkward moment when the bill comes,… Read more »

Kat
Guest
Kat

I absolutely love this article. I refer back to it time and time again whenever I need some motivation and understanding of why men do what they do. It’s truly has been helpful to keep me from reacting based on fear and out of desperation. Love this…

Missy
Guest
Missy

The laws of attraction always win in the end . If a man id attracted to a woman physically and mentally, he will care for her . If shes unattractive to him he will move on. This does not mean one has to look like a super model . It means the man must find something about the woman appearance to stay interested. Rather that be her body eyes lips. A woman who can cook and keep a home is important.The man should also be willing to help. Having separate goals is also important. As well as goals as a… Read more »

maggie
Guest
maggie

Oh, Renee….
I totally forgot to ask the MAIN thing I wanted to know!!
How can I make sure, because I am self sufficient, that I NEED HIM?
He has told me before that he admires me for doing so well in my life…. working, retiring, having a home.
BUT I don’t want to be admired as you well know.
I want to be adored and cherished and taken care of!!
This post goes with the one I just wrote so please put them together.
Thank you !!!

maggie
Guest
maggie

Renee, I have read everything you have written online for the last 4 months. Thank you! I love your way of thinking and agree with everything. Will you please give some of your wisdom to this for me please? LDR for 9 months. He came to me… 900 miles simply because he saw me on FB and he remembered I liked him a lot in Jr. High School! We hit it off immediately. He is in the process of getting a divorce because his marriage to his wife of 17 years has been a toxic one for him as she… Read more »

Kei
Guest
Kei

This was written for me ! I need to know where to begin. I remember the moment when my boyfriend said to me, “but you can take care of yourself”
I don’t know where to go from here. I do absolutely everything for him, but he does so little for me. He has a child with another woman who he totally takes care if, because of the child.
How do I compete with that ?

Holly
Guest
Holly

Hi Renee what’s the difference between being needy and having a man feel like you need him?

Belinda
Guest
Belinda

Hallo Renee

I would like to know if it is feminine energy or masculine energy
when I always initiate contact, he hate telephones! I once ask him
why he didn’t phone me as he did in the beginning and he said he
hate telephones.

Viki Samoja
Guest
Viki Samoja

I believe (as a man) that he ment he hates that way of communicating with you, men value face to face contact, 5 minutes face to face means more to us then 5 hours on the phone.

sarah
Guest
sarah

my ex chose to leave me.he pays all my bills and lets me reside in his house.He and i shared 10 years together.We have no kids but he was a dad to my 3 kids .I think a man does this because he loves the ex still.This his way of holding on. You see i have not moved on to date anybody since hes left.Sure ive talked to a few guys.But in the end its my ex i want not anybody else.When a man is truly over his ex he will cut all ties to her and her kids.By the… Read more »

Care
Guest
Care

Wow, thank you so much for this information. My ex almost insists on taking care of me and has always taken care of my son’s needs since he was 9 yrs old and he is almost 15 now (and its not even his child). I never understood why and especially when we would have arguments, he would still insist on taking care of me no matter what. I would always tell him that my bills were not his responsibility. But its true, once you let that guard down and receive the help, it sure feels nice. And he always said… Read more »

Care
Guest
Care

Also I always felt that he was just stringing me along and always using his money to manipulate me. I never understood why, even when I told him I was trying to move on with my life and was seeing someone else, he acted like it didnt phase him and he still wanted to make sure I was being taken care of financially. He takes care of everything on my vehicle as far as any repairs, puts $ in my bank account and sends my son $ for school clothes and Summer camps. Anytime I try to do something for… Read more »

sarah
Guest
sarah

my ex left us 6 mongths ago.He has not stopped caring for us since then.At times i wonder if he will make us move .But my friends tell me if that was the case id be out of his house already.I love my ex still and always will.I stopped trying to get him to come home or talk to me in August.My friends husband told me my ex will come back when hes ready.Sometimes i wonder if he ever will.I have wrote him letters and sent emails telling him i was angry with him for leaving.The last few months i… Read more »

Lisa
Guest
Lisa

Hello Rene, I am struggling with this problem in a similar but different way and I knew I could come to your blog and that you would have written something about it to help, and you did! Thank you. I do have some further questions though, as my situation is a bit different. I am feminine and I surrender to him. he helps me with lots of things, I manage nothing for him. he helps my with website work, nutrition, math comparisons at the store and I always praise him for his help and genius! he loves it and eats… Read more »

Joan
Guest
Joan

The man sees you as having emotional problems, not true feminine vulnerability. Being raw and real are words that I really aspire to! It draws him in and he needs to fix the problem. That’s his job, he is a man. However, in your case he is still emotionally committed to his ex because she is calling him to help out with her website and he goes there. She is being vulnerable and he is not just eating it up, he is running to go help. Its an emotional trigger he can’t be different. Back to being raw and real.… Read more »

izi
Guest
izi

Hi Renee, I have a question that I’ve never received an answer for…you say for women to stop doing masculine things, stop managing stop problem solving, just stop showing up as competent and capable and show up as “feminine”. I have a little trouble with this concept of feminine as those women often show up as highly manipulative and it is not appreciated by any woman I know. But for arguments sake, I’ll buy in. Now here’s the question. For those of us who have been single mom’s, career women, managers of 100’s of people we are expected to manage,… Read more »

Michelle Michelle
Guest
Michelle Michelle

Hi Renee. I have a question regarding my situation: My husband is Honduran. We knew each other 7 years as family friends andthendated 2 yrs,we married 6 mos.ago. He has 3 children with his ex- 9, 11, and 17yrs. They divorced in March 2016. His agreement, by court order, is to pay $250/no. In food sustainence as well as $475 for schooling + all other school related expenses (approx. $5,500/yr.) . Don’t forget this is a 3rd world country he sends money to so the dollar is quite valuable. EVERY WEEK SHE IS ASKING FOR EXTRA $$$! Hair cuts, school… Read more »

Shefali O'Hara
Guest
Shefali O'Hara

first of all, those are his kids and he feels responsible for them. that is a good thing, not a bad thing. You married a guy who had 3 kids by another woman. Of course he is going to want to take care of those kids. However, he needs to make the money to pay for them. Stop arguing with him. I think you made a mistake to marry him. If I were you, I would separate from him. Tell him that you understand he still loves his ex and he wants to support his children and while it hurts… Read more »

Vaidotas ( Masculine Man )
Guest
Vaidotas ( Masculine Man )

Dear Renee Wade, I am a Man and I read your articles. I agree with 99 % you say. I cannot commit to a women that is not Feminine in her character and looks. It’s that simple. I can’t commit to a women that wears pants, drives a car ( form follows the function ), works as manager ( supervisor ), smokes, wears tattoos, who isn’t calm and collected. All those things tell my subconscious that she isn’t a women inside and Men commit to Women only ( to Ladies ). Masculinity commits only to Femininity. That’s how we are… Read more »

sarah
Guest
sarah

A healthy relationship means you work together as partners.You may be weak one day and i the next.I never asked my ex to pay the bills or let me stay this long in his home.My ex always wore the pants.Even thou i told him i wore pants too.i cant help but see myself as the frail helpless female in distress now.Your message hear made me think about that/Anyways my ex does not come running when i need him.Ive offered him money but he never comes to collect it.He instead hides away at his sisters house.She owns a place in another… Read more »

Lucy
Guest
Lucy

The reason a man takes care of his ex is because he loves her still. Those kind of men will not move on for years sometimes. Hes an admirable man.Something this world needs more of. I read on here that if the ex is still caring for his ex its a codependent relationship . I think its a choice to support your ex etc. A man doesnt need to unless he wants too. Nobody makes my ex support me. I dont wine or cry to him. Yet he still pays bills to help me out. He knows how hard it… Read more »

Yvonne
Guest
Yvonne

It sounds to me like they had a codependant relationship were she played helpless little girl to his rescuer. The fact that he decides to stop paying for her then she manipulates him (again) with tears. He clearly is still round her little finger. I don’t think this is a matter of the energy of the current girlfriend: He can’t step up for his current partner when he’s still happily being played by his ex. There’s a point where if a guy can’t let go of his past, he’s never going to be capable of having a healthy functional r/ship… Read more »

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