Article updated 2018
What to DO when your Boyfriend is still emotionally Attached to his Ex
A question from Kira:
After reading your writing for awhile now, I’d like your input on something.
My boyfriend still shares his cell phone family plan with his ex girl friend, who he split up with two years ago. They work together she can easily pay him. Additionally, I manage his bills and pay it online for him.
After about a year I brought it up, but he said he felt bad that it would be more expensive for her, so he wanted to wait awhile. Several months later, same thing.
Recently he’s said he would, but that when he asked her she cried (or was hurt). He becomes very upset when I bring it up, refusing to talk about it. He always says he hears me and he will do it, later. Today I wasn’t able to drop it so I said, why can’t you do it today? He became so upset he walked away from me.
Lastly, he has mentioned that he wants his own phone bill when he takes her off. In other words, he won’t put me on it.
Other than this, our relationship is going fine. I don’t understand, and I’m hoping you can shed some light.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MY RESPONSE
Most women reading this would totally relate to your feeling let down by this situation (at the least). As do I.
You want to understand, so I’m going to tell you why this is happening.
At the end of my response, I will give you the way you can get him to start taking more care of you than he does his ex girlfriend.
Let’s think about this – You are asking a man to willingly cause a vulnerable woman to cry by withdrawing his ex from his phone bill. His ex girlfriend, specifically.
Once a man has once fallen in to the role of taking care of a woman like your boyfriend has, it takes understanding and respect for the masculine nature to get him to change that and start doing it for you.
Once that ‘taking care of’ and ‘committed’ button has been TRIGGERED in a man (as it has clearly been triggered already by his ex girlfriend), it’s very common for it never to stop; even after he dies. That is how powerful the commitment trigger is.
And BECAUSE it’s an EMOTIONAL trigger in a man, this trigger can only be tied to ONE woman. Again, I will give you the strategy how you can get it to be you very soon. But you can’t jump to the strategy without understanding first. You’ll just make him hate you more and pull away from you cold. So read carefully.
He’s still emotionally committed to her in this way, because she triggered this in him.
This is the same reason why many women have A LOT of trouble getting divorced men to stop running to take care of their ex wives even if they are in a new relationship…it’s because it’s not that logical and most women try to CONVINCE a man to stop taking care of an ex using ‘logical’ verbal arguments. Does NOT work!
It has to be an emotional association with YOU.
The commitment trigger in men is really that biological AND emotional.
It’s not logical. You can’t tell a man: ‘you should not have this woman on the same phone plan as you and pay for her share because you are in a new relationship.’
It’s the same way you can’t say to a man: “BE ATTRACTED TO ME NOW!”
Because Attraction is NOT logical.
And when he says he ‘feels bad’ taking her off, he means that.
You can’t take away his need to be her Hero
Exactly what he says. He feels bad. He doesn’t want you to get him to do something that makes him the bad guy. He’d rather be the Hero. A man will do anything to be a Hero (if he’s the driven type of man and in touch with his masculinity). This is why superhero movies have an audience.
Yes, paying a woman’s phone bill can be a small feeling that he is her hero.
He’s another every day guy who has committed emotionally to his ex girlfriend.
And your boyfriend gets annoyed when you ask him to let go and stop doing this because it’s like you letting go of your biological need to have children (you have it even if you somehow got conditioned to think you didn’t. Every feminine woman has this biological drive).
I always thought my husband David was kidding when he said that even if I left him for another man, he would STILL take care of me financially…he wouldn’t withdraw anything that he currently pays for. He may not be with me (that’s for him to decide), but he will take CARE of me. And; he meant it. He’s driven to do so; it’s not really a logical choice, for him. For some men, who take care of a woman out of OBLIGATION might withdraw commitment and support.
Not a man who has genuinely had his internal ‘commitment’ button triggered by a genuine feminine woman. And my husband gives everything he has to me, almost nothing to himself. I used to think he was only just generous, and he is.
But this kind of behaviour also not uncommon for a masculine man who has had his internal commitment gene triggered…
Ever noticed that FAR MORE divorces are initiated by WOMEN? (There could be a number of reasons for this – I’m not naively saying it’s ONLY due to what I’m talking about here, but I am suggesting it is one possible reason).
Here’s how you are UNKNOWINGLY contributing to your own Problem…
Kira, I know that was hard to hear. But it’s not your fault. Fact is, it’s very easy to fall in to this role with a man.
ANY woman could fall in to this position. Even the women who can apparently get any man they want.
This is where you’re contributing to your own problem:
You’re willingly carrying the masculine energy by being the ‘go getter’, the ‘manager’ by taking care of his bills online for him.
So, he ASSOCIATES zero internal emotional drive to take care of YOU.
It’s no different to the ‘nice guy’ desperately wanting his girlfriend to give him a blow job, being nicer and nicer to her, when inside, she just wishes he’d be a little less boring and a little less nice so she COULD feel enough attraction for him in order to do that.
(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)
What you’re doing is not Wrong… it’s just not right for what you DESIRE in a Relationship
NOW – before you think that what you’re doing is the WRONG thing to do – it’s NOT. It may work for some relationships for other people.
Only, it isn’t working for you. Otherwise you’d be fine with him still being semi committed to his ex girlfriend in this way.
You’re being his manager with the phone bills, so he is NOT in a care taking role with you. I am suggesting that you fell in to a different role with this man than his ex girlfriend did, and so you bring out a different side of him than his ex girlfriend does.
You actually want a passionate relationship with a masculine man where you can carry most of the feminine energy, that’s the feeling I get from your writing. But you’re ENCOURAGING the opposite through the role you’re taking up.
You could say you are carrying the masculine energy by managing his bills, and he is relaxing, sitting back in his feminine energy, letting you do it.
This is not wrong, it’s just not a good place for you, considering what you want in your intimate relationship.
So you can’t ask for him to sacrifice the part of him that wants to be a hero for this other woman. You simply can’t, because you’re willingly saying, through your actions, “I’m taking care of YOU, boyfriend”.
Now, the question is; how often are you showing up in this masculine role with him? And in how many other areas of his life are you doing it? Only you can answer that.
Maybe it’s just with the bills, but I am not sure. I am giving you the best answer I’ve got with the facts that I have right now.
See…this habit of thinking that helping a man is the way to get him to like and commit, is the SAME mistake I see time after time, over and over, in many women, in every country across the world. It’s getting old, which is why I’m doing everything I can on this website to show women how to stop this mistake!
It’s an innocent mistake that is costing many women on this earth the opportunity to have a deeply passionate relationship and to be worshiped by her man.
Helping a man and managing a man’s finances permanently doesn’t make him feel passion for you, and it certainly doesn’t bring him closer, and in no way does it make him MORE COMMITTED to you.
In order for him to Worship you and commit deeply –
You’re going to have to NEED him more than his ex girlfriend does.
And to begin to need him, you’re going to have to let your feminine energy show up more, and stop taking the ‘manager’ role.
Now, you’re going to have to NEED him more than his ex girlfriend needs him.
AND, here’s a note about that: it’s not a guarantee, and it’s not a competition. I’m not trying to get you in to some bitch fight or tough competition, pitting yourself against his ex.
Because she fell in to this role with him for a reason….it served them in the past.
And the role you fell in to with your boyfriend serves YOU both in its own way.
You have to ask yourself whether you’re willing to surrender to Masculine energy or not. To let go. To feel free to be who you really are at your core (if you’re truly feminine) – my assumption through the information you’ve given me is that you are the more feminine type of woman, you’re just falling in to the masculine energy.
Again, it’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. But if you want more personal power, I’m giving you a helping hand.
For all I know, your man could do with some relationship advice BUT he is not the one emailing me. So I am not advising him.
It’s not a GUARANTEE:
Once a man has started taking care of a woman in his past, it takes some deep care and understanding on your part to pull him away from that (and personally, if it was me in this case,I wouldn’t want to rob him of that feeling of being her hero, so I’d either choose to need him more and STAY with him, or leave and find my own man who wants to take care of me).
Why have you unconsciously chosen to carry the masculine energy?
Now I wan to ask you….why are you managing his bills?
You can answer that for yourself. I am going to guess…I believe it might be because you think THAT is the way to get him, to keep him. And it is not. Again, this is why I do what I do….because I believe more women need to understand how men truly are built…how their biological commitment buttons can be triggered or turned off by different women. This is also the reason why men marry some women and not others.
A man won’t commit to a woman who doesn’t need him.
A man WON’T commit to a woman who doesn’t need him.
I repeat that because it’s so important.
He might STAY in a relationship so he can get access to emotional connection, and because it’s comfortable (people do this all the time, males and females). Often it’s best to stay in a mediocre relationship until something better comes along, for many people. And I’m sure you have witnessed this.
But staying in a relationship doesn’t mean a man is committed and it doesn’t mean he will be your hero, and stop being his ex’s hero. Unless you’re more vulnerable, and you trigger his masculine energy associated with YOU.
You can influence almost any man to do anything….if you add enough value by living in your authentic feminine energy. Not trying to be the man.
It’s MUCH easier to trigger a man’s sexual instinct than it is to trigger his Commitment Gene for MOST women, because they don’t understand men. And of course, this is not taught in schools.
Well, I believe your intimate relationship is THE most important area of your LIFE! If you’re not happy in your relationship with a man, you’re not happy altogether. Full stop.
For me as a woman, I take a lot of risks teaching any of this, because it’s just not cool in amongst women’s groups to deliver the news that you can’t EXPECT a man to stop taking care of his ex’s bill as a matter of logical request. It’s not cool, so I risk being the outcast (hence why so many women hate my work).
But I’m here to serve, and I want you to know that there IS hope to get your man more committed to you than he is to his ex, and even more, – you can have him willingly being your hero and be sure of his love only for you….it just requires your willingness to work with how males are wired, not how you think they SHOULD be wired, and what’s convenient for you.
OBJECTIVELY speaking, both sex OR Commitment are just as easy to Trigger in a Man
But let me tell you, objectively speaking, it is JUST as easy either way – you can trigger men to commit, or you can trigger men to desire sex with you and be with you out of comfort and that’s it.
All based on which you choose to do. The power is in your hands. They are switches you can willingly and actively turn on or off.
Only, both of them requires sacrifice.
You need to show up in a different role than what you have been used to for these past decades.
So let me show you how to do this.
I will do this by asking you a question.
(If you are NOT Kira, but you are reading this, stop reading because it doesn’t apply to you. I’M KIDDING. Please do this exercise WITH me and Kira, because it applies to EVERY woman who wants a relationship with a masculine man who takes care of her.)
Has there ever been a moment in your life where you relaxed and just allowed a man to do something for you?
It doesn’t matter who the man is. Your father, your brother, a stranger, a bum on the street, and ex boyfriend…
And do you remember feeling uncomfortable in that moment, but surrendering and relaxing in to it anyway. Maybe you only relaxed in to it because you felt you had no choice but to need his help (and THIS is what we are looking for! The feeling that you NEED the help).
I want you to focus on that moment.
Breather as you were breathing then.
Feel the intense vulnerability it took for you to let him do that for you…feel the guilt you felt about it. Feel everything.
And then, feel what it felt like to let go of the guilt and let him do it.
Now, there’s a chance that you didn’t do this at the time and instead you BLOCKED it all out. DON’T do that.
Blocking things out is the ENEMY of true feminine energy. I want you to feel, to let go, and to surrender to needing a man’s help.
It could have been as simple as him opening a door.
Can you do that for me?
I promise no one’s watching and it’s ok to do this.
No one is going to hurt you.
No one is going to tell you off for doing this. If there is someone telling you off in your voices in your head, tell them to F*** off.
(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)
The most IMPORTANT STEP
Once you’ve done that, now go back to that moment and focus on the MAN. Focus on how HE really felt, helping you.
Because you probably didn’t let yourself focus on that way back when this incident happened.
Focus on how proud he was to have been an unknown hero just for a split second, for a girl who needed him.
Focus on how wonderful he REALLY felt for the opportunity to help a woman genuinely needing it.
Focus on how RIGHT it is that you were simply letting yourself receive his help.
And how beautiful a thing that is.
Isn’t it nice to be the blossoming flower that opens with color and joy when someone gives you a little extra water?
Isn’t is nice to feel *GASP* – RADIANT???! And Feminine??
You tell me.
This is where you need to be, in order to inspire your man to take care of you. Whether he still pays for his ex’s phone bill is irrelevant for now.
It’s too small a matter in comparison to your ability to tap in to this role, to tap in to your radiance and openness and willingness to be in your feminine energy.
And if it turns out that he is too emotionally joined at the hip to his ex girlfriend, and still wants to take care of her even after you do this for one whole month or more….
Be grateful. Thank him for being a man.
And more IMPORTANTLY….Thank both of them, for delivering you the message you needed in order to be lead to your own Hero one day soon.
I truly believe every experience we have is calling for us to listen up to the secret lesson within it.
Don’t miss such a golden opportunity. Don’t miss the lesson by hating her and trying to force him to stop taking care of her – you’ll miss out on that beautiful relationship you so deeply desire.
And always remember, your knowledge with men is your power with Men. If you want more, click here to get more information on our Understanding Men.
And to get almost any man to be committed to YOU (because True commitment can only for one woman, as I say in one of my Free Email Newsletters), join us in the Commitment Control 2.0. As a preparation for the membership, you can click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass.
P.S – if you liked this Q and A article, please do leave me a comment letting me know what you’ve learned. Also tell me what you think, give your opinion, or let me know how it made you feel. I love reading your comments! 🙂
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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