My man and I openly discuss relationship topics and the differences between men and women very often. We are both very passionate about it and this mutual passion is one reason I can write this blog.

One day recently, my man David and I were having a conversation about why men don’t call and how women chronically over analyse when he doesn’t call – a conversation that just made me laugh in amusement.

I laughed in amusement because no matter how many times I have a new realisation about how different a masculine man is to a feminine woman, it’s always funny. It’s funny because what’s reality for a man is reality for a man and what is reality for a woman is reality for a woman and what’s silly is how both sexes try to make each other the same.

(By they way, on the topic of feminine, click here to find out how feminine you are deep down in your core by doing my quiz here. I’ve carefully designed these 8 questions to show you exactly how much you are living in your feminine energy and what it really means for you.)

I do stop laughing quickly, though. Because incredible pain and suffering comes for men and women who want a partner with the opposite sexual energy than themselves, yet every day they do things to try to make their boyfriend or girlfriend the same as them.

As women we expect men to think like women. That’s like asking a whale to think like a giraffe.  One is a sea animal and the other is a land animal. That very fact makes their motivations different. It makes their daily life different.

So Why Don’t Men Call More Often?

Reason 1) He is not interested in pursuing anything more with you.

If you feel like you want closure as to why he doesn’t want anything more; the most basic answer I can give you is that there wasn’t enough attraction between the two of you in order for him to break out of his man-world to pursue a long term relationship with you.

Attraction and Connection are what it takes for a man to commit further to a steady relationship. Without those two things, a relationship serves no purpose for a good, masculine man. Other than to drain his time and resources (even one woman can take all a man’s emotional and mental resources).

Reason 2) Reason 2 is what the rest of this article is about.

Well, sometimes, men call very often. Any woman who has had a man be in love with her knows this. The calling frequency doesn’t last. Not necessarily because he’s no longer in love, but just because the nature of the relationship has changed.

But no matter HOW in love a man is with you, at some point in your relationship with a MALE, (if you want a long term relationship with a male), he’s going to be calling LESS than you wish he would.  If you stay together for enough years, and you give each other enough compassion and love, one or both of you will come to understand the other’s needs, and the HURT you feel about him not calling might occur less frequently. And HIS frustration over your need for him to call you may turn in to something he lovingly remembers to do.

Key word; remembers. Yes, calling a woman is a hell of a lot of work and effort for men. And for good reason.

Feel free to let out some anger over this if you want. Feel free to even hate me for delivering this information, I understand the magnitude of which this absolutely sucks.

You letting out your anger might not change the fact that calling is WORK for men, but at least it will lower your stress hormones over this and allow you to relax.

After doing that, I do invite you to come back and read.

My conversation with my husband David went (something like) this:

ME: SO many women have this problem of a man not calling them. *sigh in compassion and understanding for women*

DAVID: Looks at me.

ME: Look at him.

Pause.

DAVID: Well the reason men don’t call is obvious.

ME: Uh huh. So why?

DAVID: Because he is doing something important. (Insert serious face)

Pause.

He turns back to his emails and computer screen.

I start giggling.

He turns back to me.

He smiles.

ME: “BUT. From a woman’s perspective, we’re thinking, WHAT could be more important than calling ME???!!!!” (insert poor me face right here).

My husband works with women, too; helping them around the world get the commitment and relationship that other people envy. So his next reaction encompasses a deep understanding of women AND the frustration of the every day male.

DAVID: Hmph. Smirks. Then smiles and says “Women!”

Turns back to his emails.

But can’t he be more Considerate of MY Needs?

As a woman, reading this, right now…you’re probably thinking: “he’s doing something important. So what. What the hell does THAT mean. That’s besides the point. I’m hurting here.” “How insensitive!!”

And I’m here to suggest to you this:

What my husband said is every bit the point.

At least from a man’s perspective.

He didn’t mean: ‘you are not important.’ or ‘the woman is not important’

Although him not calling DOES give that feeling to a woman.

He means the MAN was doing something important to HIM.

What David meant when he said men don’t call because he’s doing something IMPORTANT is this:

He CAN’T call you because of these reasons:

1) Men tend to operate visually and it’s hard to talk to you on the phone therefore, he’s not that motivated to call. This isn’t about men being pervs. It’s about men being programmed for 84,000 generations to be hunters…men generally operate best through their visual senses, NOT their auditory senses.

Talking on the phone is an auditory act…he can’t flow with it as well as you can.

Women however, have been using their auditory senses for that 84,000 generations or more to talk to each other. We like the phone, we can spend ages on the phone just babbling.

Men use the phone usually to get from A to B.

A and B could be something related to work or it could be related to organising a date, or to get a piece of information, or to deliver information.

If the PHONE helps a man get from A to B then it suddenly becomes the best thing in the world.

2) He is used to you sounding unhappy on the phone.  

If you want him to call you and every time he DOES call, you’re trying to imply through the tone of your voice that you’re PISSED because he isn’t calling as much as you’d otherwise like, guess what happens?

He felt terrible on the phone with you, so it made matters worse.

They DO use it to chat, but usually they do this the MOST when they are first falling in love with a woman…and this initial in love phase passes. (You can still be in love, but it’s a little bit different).

3) He simply doesn’t value calling as much as you do. And it’s not his conscious choice; it’s how the masculine brain works.

Why?

Because his brain is involved with something ELSE that is important in his world.

And when he is involved with something else….he’s not thinking about RELATIONSHIP. He can’t  allow himself to be in a relationship without him first getting the important thing done.

With the exception of a time when he is in love.

When you are in love, you expend a lot of energy doing things you don’t do when you are not in love; you expend energy on chasing and ‘wooing’ that person.

For example; you stay up all night talking to each other, you take notice of things about that person you wouldn’t normally take notice in other people, you forget to eat, and sleep, at times. Men call more often than they would when they have just fallen in love.

This all takes a lot of energy. And this energy expenditure is not something that is designed to keep going forever; it’s designed to progress to the next part of a relationship; which is baby making and baby raising. This is the process of pair bonding.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

 What’s ‘Important’ in a Man’s World can Feel like Life or Death in a Man’s world

And let me add, what is IMPORTANT in a man’s mind CAN be the difference between life and death. For HIM.

Let me explain.

When a man is focused on business or anything related to the progression of his rank in society (sports, work, entrepreneurial related tasks); it IS life or death. I’m not 100% sure men would describe it the way that I am since I am a female, but that’s how I’m describing it to you in order to help you understand.

It’s that important to him. But it doesn’t mean YOU are not important.

RELATIONSHIP is not the masculine priority.

‘Relationship’ in this case refers to calling to show that he cares. He often just forgets to call, and he does not have any bad intent when he forgets.

Do YOU have bad intentions when you make you both late to a party because you spent 3 hours getting ready?

I’ll just remind you of that one: he doesn’t have any bad intent when he forgets.

Do you have bad intent when you spend hours getting ready for an important party? Do you intend to hurt or piss off your man by spending far too long putting on make up, or doing your hair, and changing your mind about outfits?

The same lack of bad intent exists when a man is interested, but is doing something important.

How YOU as a woman view it and how it’s Different to a Man’s Point of View

To a woman, it is RUDE to suggest that you didn’t call because you were doing something important.

Why?

Because we imply meaning in words.

When someone says that they were doing something IMPORTANT and that’s why they did not call us, we think they are communicating that something else is more important than US. And that we are no longer loved in that moment and that person might abandon us.

It makes women angry.

It makes MEN confused.

A man’s confusion over this is JUST as innocent as a woman’s anger over this.

Neither of us have bad intentions with the other person, we are just being a man or being a woman.

The fact is, if a man doesn’t call for a few days or a week, or just a few hours, AND we are in an established relationship with him, we feel hurt. But we only feel hurt because of the meaning we place on his not calling.

RELATIONSHIP for masculine men is not number one.

It CAN be.

But I believe that takes time and the building of trust between two people.

If you want a long term relationship, you must be willing to have patience with a man. They are not as instinctively driven to connect as females are. Unless they are actually more feminine inside their physical body.

My honest belief is that in a committed relationship; for the relationship to work, both people must put each other first.  But if you don’t put each other first….the other begins to feel less significant and safe in the relationship. This becomes a huge problem.

And yet, though I believe this, I believe you have to ARRIVE at this place, after a journey together. You don’t usually START off there. You have to earn each other’s trust.

You can’t subconsciously demand that of a man 3 months or even a year in to the relationship.

So How do you Encourage him to call more?

There are many ways to encourage him to call more.

The one suggestion I will make today is for you to do what is counter intuitive:

ENJOY every call he makes. Openly. ENJOY it so he can HEAR your enjoyment.

When he HEARS your enjoyment, he starts to have it ‘click’ in his mind that you actually enjoy it and he gets to feel successful rather than be told he’s a dick for not calling for a week.

Do you feel like Punishing him for not calling?

This is the common response from women. I’ve worked with enough women to see this pattern.

I’ve also been that woman.

It doesn’t work.

So enjoy the call; and that’s any call!

Counter intuitive, but definitely helps you a better catch than 99% of women out there.

Do you want answers to the questions you have about men? Click here to get the course Understanding Men.

Have the men you’ve dated in the past called MORE often than you’d like? Or LESS often than you’d like? Share your story with us!

renee-wade

 

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Leticia
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Leticia

I think this is a good article. But at the same time it does not apply to a lot of men. I dated a guy before who was super charged at the start with contact but then weened off. I gave him space. I did not mind it since i wanted to also do my own thing. And then I found out that he stopped calling/texting as often because he had a whole harem of women he was dating. this was after a year of being together. He told me he loved me (after 1 year) and the next day… Read more »

Bresnick Lizzy
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Bresnick Lizzy

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Joe
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Joe

Yeah, this was a pretty dumb article.

I stopped reading when the author said that it is work for men to call.

What?!

Uh, no, it is not.

They call and text their friends a lot. But you? . . .

Renee Wade
Guest

You missed the point Joe. But if you don’t want to consider things such as

1: context; and
2: what it feels like for some men to call, when they are say, knee deep in a mission…

that’s fine. People like you are not who this site is for. Just because you don’t think it’s work, doesn’t mean some men don’t feel it is work.

Kate W
Guest
Kate W

What a stupid article

Super Janice
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Super Janice

Talking in the phone is an auditory act. As a 18-year-old girl (born in 1998) who is auditory, I don’t call more often because: 1) My only hobby is singing. I’ve being programmed for 18 years to be a “cassette recorder” and remember lots of songs I’ve listened, I can’t flow it as well as my mother and Renee can despite being auditory. Hence, like most men, I usually use the phone to get from A to B (It is usually homework) Instead of connecting with others, I prefer to investigate masculinity and femininity and reach a particular conclusion, that’s… Read more »

Caitlin Hawkins
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Caitlin Hawkins

So what if this same man hurt you pretty badly in the past? And you feel he should be showing more gratitude that you’re speaking with him again, or giving him the time of day? I get that masculine me are wired differently . I guess at what point does it become disrespectful when he hasn’t openly apologized for the past but keeps saying he wants to get together when he has moved and his work situation has changed?

KEKE
Guest
KEKE

No apology then no remorse. Move on. His work situation could take years to change. Why would you be holding on for that. I’m sure you have expectations of the kind of relationship you want. If this isn’t it then wish him well with his life and find the kind of relationship you’re looking for.

nicpace
Guest
nicpace

I am so late to the party, aren’t I? I do believe that rene’s point are valid but to certain point only. I have experienced to have been at both the receiving ends. I’ve been the needy one (at least i feel like it) and the needed one and trust me both feel like shit. But i know one thing for sure, when we’re being the needy one, we’re definitely more interested that the other party. Not to say they are not interested in us but i can definitely tell we’re not their top priority. I have been closed with… Read more »

novangely
Guest
novangely

Nice post! Thanks for sharing it. I wish I read it sooner. I broke up with my boyfriend recently because of this forget-no-calling thing. Most of what you wrote here happened to me. We were on long distance relationship, lasted only few months because of this. I felt strange with the decrease of texts and calls after he told me he love me and know I feel the same. Those make me feel he does not love me anymore and I am not important to him that made me upset. My upset showed when he called me and last time… Read more »

Madel
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Madel

My boyfriend calls me if he doesn’t get a text or call from me during the day and asks about it. I say that I didn’t want to bother him. And if I call when I don’t hear from him during this whole dsy, he’ll say why are you burning my phone up. When I called only once. So I decided not to call nor text him unless I have to and he’ll be the one calling me unless he was too tired and forgot like a man that he is. My advise, do not chase men let him chase… Read more »

Vi K
Guest
Vi K

oh i didnt

Vi K
Guest
Vi K

oops i posted it twice

Vi K
Guest
Vi K

I just started reading this and I actually read all of it. I wanted to vent. So I am 18 and I am a woman. I met this guy when i was a freshman lets call him James…. James and I never talked freshmen year probably only once or twice. Like small talk. We werent friends. I was the nerd goth girl and he was kind of popular I guess. Anyway that doesn’t matter. We just started talking like december 10th and everything is still pretty new. I been cheated on and I been in a LDR sort of last… Read more »

Paul
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Paul

Real men date and court a woman, ttexting and phone calls are for setting up dates and saying I was thinking about you. When you over communicate ladies you take all the mystery out of the relationship and all the wonder as well. Plus men like having real sex women like fantasy more, only on a real date at night is there a chance for a man to guide you toward having sex! Sexting does none thing for men at all so stop askng us to do that we hate it!

Ames
Guest
Ames

I wish I would’ve read this 2 mos. ago. Probably could’ve save a good thing.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous

Right lol.I really like my boyfriend. But tonight I was so pissed that he didn’t call that I threw my phone against the ground. (Fed up. Luckily it didn’t break because of my case) Guess I’m a brat Idk. I mean he calls every night after work and I love talking to my babe. It’s rare that we go a night without talking otp. We’re in a long distance relationship. (He lives like 45mins away) We text on a regular basis. But before we actually started dating he would blow my phone up with texts and calls. And I liked… Read more »

Lizy
Guest
Lizy

I was also being used for financial gain.when he was abroad all the calls would stop. Unless his money ran out. This is not the same for all men. Sometimes I can say I used to wait for a reply. Now I think one should be so occupied in learning or persuing hobbies instead of waiting on a message or call. Do men cancel a game of footy just in case she replies to a message???? Never lose yourself in the process of finding love. SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT HELP!!!! Its hard to hold a normal conversation with anyone nowadays… Read more »

Hangsy
Guest
Hangsy

My then fiance used to call and text a bunch a day but then we got married and communication went south. I used to get worked up on the deterioration rate but then grew tired and stopped caring, that is when it hit him that i gave up on him. I started getting busy with people that enjoyed my company, this worked like a charm now he is trying to win me over….mmmh its going to take him a looooong time to win me over.

Hazel Kong
Guest
Hazel Kong

That’s how I broke up with my ex. He tried to win me over, but sorry that was it. But then, I was 21 and marriage is too far away. 🙂 Hope he wins you over and learns the lesson.

Hangsy
Guest
Hangsy

Sadly i have just found out three days ago that he has been cheating on me since the day we got married. That sun of bitch, my first reaction was to file for divorce asap.

Former
Guest
Former

What if you are a woman with the opposite problem? Men text and call me too often. I routinely open my phone to find entire stupid novels written by them to me about their day or fantasies about wanting to see me. This stuff is stupid and suffocating and I seem to bring it out in every man I meet. What am I doing wrong that I keep turning men into needy, chatty women? 🙁

Hazel Kong
Guest
Hazel Kong

Mind switching our problems? LOL :'<

Former
Guest
Former

I will trade it with you in a New York second. Beware though: it will only be fun for about one day. After about 48 hours of it you will become very, very tired of it. Men don’t text the same way we do. It’s more, shall we ah say, um… intense. :/

T Bonz
Guest
T Bonz

How’s that going for you now? If it’s still going, tel us what you don’t do our do that you think makes them that way. Sound like we need ur wisdom!

Joe
Guest
Joe

The way you worded your post, Former, you sound like a bitch, so I would think that is your real problem.

Think about working on that instead.

Victoria Hunter
Guest
Victoria Hunter

I walked away from the article the moment I read “relationship is not the malet priority” if the woman was world famous like Beyonce hed be rushing to call. To me that line is a red flag that clearly says, that men of today simple is looking for something fast and want to sleep around,avoid any emotionally connection. Please don’t beat me up for noting the underlining truth of that line. You said it, you just masked it. Like men of “today” wear a mask. So basically many men are wasting a woman’s in person time on the first meet,… Read more »

Nice*
Guest
Nice*

Soooooooo true. Men are given the freedom to be “themselves” and we are supposed to understand them. Act like a lady think like a man BS…I hate these articles that excuse men for not catering for our needs!

Proudly Aqua
Guest
Proudly Aqua

I just think that what the writer means is we need to understand that males and females are different. Personally as a female, I think women portray themselves as perfect when it comes to relationships and men have all the faults. I guess phone calls is just one of the many things a man is supposed to do for his woman… so if he isn’t doing that he can be excused except that is your priority. The truth is whether a man calls you or not… you know when your man loves you. There are many other ways of expressing… Read more »

Pry
Guest
Pry

I agree with you.

Sarah Jayne
Guest
Sarah Jayne

what if a guy hasn’t called you for a week but was calling and texting regularly up until that point? as well as showing definite signs of being very interested in me and pursuing. P.S. i know he is away on a business trip so like in above post, he is doing something life or death for him right now …. right ? 🙂

firda
Guest
firda

I’d like to positively think that it might be the reasons why he gradually texts and calls much less. But the other part of me thinks that his attention might be distracted by emotional relationship with another woman. If he is, i really wish i had the proof so i could dump him off right away and i don’t have to waste my time investing in this relationship anymore. But, once again it’s just my hunch, but it still bothers me just to think about it. I believe that man is simple and obvious. When he loves something, he’ll show… Read more »

Lizy
Guest
Lizy

If you have a hunch its usually a good indication. Im talking from personal experience. I was married to someone who was addicted to social media. He cheated online and I caught him out. He would be sneaky and put pins on his gadgets and secretly open tabs. I printed his messages and gave handouts to his family so he couldnt deny it. Every woman deserves respect and honesty. When we become emotionally attached it can blurr our judgements on peoples character and intentions. It was hurtful and after 3 years its over. I cried and I felt betrayed but… Read more »

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