One day recently, David (my hubby) and I were having a conversation about why men don’t call and how women chronically over analyse things when he doesn’t call.
This conversation made me laugh in amusement, as it clearly highlighted the differences between women and men when it comes to talking on the phone or initiating phone calls.
I laughed in amusement because no matter how many times I have a new realisation (about how different a masculine man is to a feminine woman), it’s still always funny.
It’s funny because what’s reality for a man is reality for a man.
And what is reality for a woman is reality for a woman.
What’s silly is how both sexes try to make each other the same.
I do stop laughing quickly though. Because although it’s funny, incredible pain and suffering comes for the men and women who try to make their partner the same as them.
We all make this mistake to some extent: we want a partner with the opposite sexual energy to our own, yet every day we do things to try to make our boyfriend or girlfriend the same as us.
Bottom line:
As women we expect men to think like women.
That’s like asking a whale to think like a giraffe.
One is a sea animal and the other is a land animal. That fact alone makes their motivations different. It makes their daily lives different!
(By the way, on the topic of feminine energy, you can do my quiz to find out how feminine you are deep down in your core. I’ve carefully designed these 9 questions to show you exactly how much you are living in your feminine energy and what it really means for you.)
Table of Contents
Do our feminine energy quiz: how feminine am i really?
So Why Don’t Men Call More Often?
It’s because of the following reasons…
- They don’t know you need it (and thrive on it).
- They are naturally more detached, and therefore don’t need a lot of phone chatter to fill themselves up or to feel safe in the relationship.
- They’d rather be solving problems than having (what they consider to be) pointless conversations.
- Lastly, he may not be interested in pursuing anything more with you.
Ultimately it’s up to you to work out which one of these reasons it is. If you truly believe that he doesn’t contact you because he isn’t interested in being in a relationship with you (and you need closure), then here’s some closure for you now…
The most basic answer I can give you is that there wasn’t enough attraction between the two of you in order for him to break out of his man-world to pursue a long term relationship with you.
Attraction and connection are what it takes for a man to commit further to a steady relationship.
Without those two things, a relationship serves no purpose for a good, masculine man. Other than to drain his time and resources.
(…Even one woman can take all a man’s emotional and mental resources).
Why Do Guys Never Initiate Contact?
Remember this: relationships are the domain of the feminine, which means that even though it makes sense to you as a woman to initiate contact and to want to talk, bond and attach – it doesn’t always come as naturally to men.
The truth is that guys DO initiate contact, but only if there is enough emotional attraction and emotional connection. If there’s not enough of these two things, it’s not worth his energy.
In fact, if you find yourself always imitating contact and he really never reciprocates, that’s one of the signs that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
But What If He Is Interested And Even Committed?
Well, sometimes, men call very often.
Any woman who has had a man be in love with her knows this.
Yet the calling frequency doesn’t last. Not necessarily because he’s no longer in love, but just because the nature of the relationship has changed.
Related: When He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic: What To Do?
But no matter how in love a man is with you, at some point in your relationship with a male (if you want a long term relationship with a male), he’s going to be calling less than you wish he would.
But it’s not all bad.
Really.
Consider this:
If you stay together for enough years, and you give each other enough compassion and love, one or both of you will come to understand the other’s needs.
What this understanding will do is slowly quash the hurt you feel about him not calling, and the stress you feel around it might occur less frequently.
Also, his frustration over your need for him to call you may turn in to something he lovingly remembers to do.
Key word; remembers.
Yes, calling a woman can be a hell of a lot of memory work and effort for men, especially after the initial crazy-in-love period. And for good reason!
It’s because men don’t see time the way you do.
And as I mentioned earlier, they are more detached overall. That’s their equilibrium, which is different to yours I might add.
Feel free to let out some anger over this if you want.
Feel free to even hate me for delivering this information, I understand the magnitude of which this absolutely sucks.
But like many things that initially suck initially, if you respect them rather than resist them, they also eventually increase your own courage and strength.
It’s OK To Feel Angry About It
You letting out your anger might not change the fact that calling is work for men, but at least it will lower your stress hormones over this and allow you to relax.
After doing that, I do invite you to come back and read.
My conversation with my husband David went (something like) this:
ME: SO many women have this problem of a man not calling them. *sigh in compassion and understanding for women*
DAVID: Looks at me.
ME: Look at him.
Pause.
DAVID: Well the reason men don’t call is obvious.
ME: Ok…so why?
DAVID: Because he is doing something important. (Insert serious face)
Pause.
He turns back to his emails and computer screen.
I start giggling.
He turns back to me.
He smiles.
ME: “BUT. From a woman’s perspective, we’re quietly thinking, what could be more important than calling me???!!!!” (insert poor me face).
DAVID: Smirks. Then he smiled and said “Women!”
Do the quiz: how commitment friendly is my man?
But Can’t He Be More Considerate Of MY Needs?
As a woman, reading this, right now…you’re probably thinking:
“He’s doing something important. So what? What the hell does that mean. That’s besides the point. I’m hurting here. How insensitive of him!!”
And I’m here to suggest this to you:
What my husband said is every bit the point.
At least from a man’s perspective.
He didn’t mean: ‘you are not important.’ or ‘the woman is not important’.
Although him not calling does give that feeling to a woman.
He means the man was doing something important to him.
What David meant when he said men don’t call because he’s doing something important, is this:
He CAN’T call you because of these reasons:
- Men tend to operate visually
- He is used to you sounding unhappy on the phone
- He simply doesn’t value calling as much as you do
- What’s important in a man’s world can feel like life or death in his world.
- Intimate relationship is not the masculine priority (and thank goodness. Otherwise would they still be men?)
- How YOU as a woman view it is different to how HE sees it
Now let’s talk about these reasons.
Men Tend To Operate Visually…
So it’s hard to talk to you on the phone therefore, he’s not that motivated to call.
This isn’t about men being pervs. It’s about men being programmed for 84,000 generations to be hunters…men generally operate best through their visual senses, NOT their auditory senses.
Talking on the phone is an auditory act…he can’t flow with it as well as you can.
(And even if it looks like he can, it takes a lot more energy away from him than it takes from you. Because it doesn’t recharge his masculine core as much as it recharges your feminine core.)
Women have been using their auditory senses for that 84,000 generations or more to talk to each other. We like the phone, we can spend ages on the phone just babbling.
Men usually use the phone to get from A to B.
A and B could be something related to work or it could be related to organising a date, or to get a piece of information, or to deliver information.
If the PHONE helps a man get from A to B then it suddenly becomes the best thing in the world.
He Is Used To You Sounding Unhappy On The Phone.
If you want him to call you yet every time he does call, you’re trying to imply through the tone of your voice that you’re PISSED because he isn’t calling as much as you’d like, guess what happens?
He felt terrible on the phone with you, so it made matters worse.
I call woman.
Woman unhappy.
Don’t call again.
Look:
They DO use the phone to chat, but usually they do this the MOST when they are first falling in love with a woman…and this initial in love phase passes.
(You can still be in love, but it’s a little bit different).
Related: 5 Odd Signs He’s In Love With You.
He Simply Doesn’t Value Calling As Much As You Do.
…And it’s not his conscious choice; it’s how the masculine brain works.
Why?
Because his brain is involved with something ELSE that is important in his world.
And when he is involved with something else….he’s not thinking about RELATIONSHIP.
He can’t allow himself to be in a relationship without him first getting the important thing done.
With the exception of a time when he is in love.
When humans in general are in love, they expend a lot of energy doing things they don’t do when they are not in love!
So when he’s in love, he’ll expend energy chasing you and ‘wooing’ you.
Here’s what I mean…
You stay up all night talking to each other, you take notice of things about that person you wouldn’t normally take notice in other people, and you forget to eat or sleep at times.
Men call more often than they would when they have just fallen in love.
This all takes a lot of energy, and this energy expenditure is not something that is designed to keep going forever.
It’s designed to progress to the next part of a relationship; which is baby making and baby raising. This is the process of pair bonding.
Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away.
What’s ‘Important’ In A Man’s World Can Feel Like Life Or Death In His World
And let me add, what is IMPORTANT in a man’s mind CAN be the difference between life and death. For him.
Let me explain.
When a man is focused on business or anything related to the progression of his rank in society (sports, work, entrepreneurial related tasks); it IS life or death.
I’m not 100% sure men would describe it the way that I have since I am a female, but that’s how I’m describing it to you in order to help you understand.
It’s that important to him. But it doesn’t mean YOU are not important.
Intimate Relationship Is Not The Masculine Priority.
‘Relationship’ in this case refers to calling you to show that he cares. He often just forgets to call, and he does not have any bad intent when he forgets.
Do YOU have bad intentions when you make him and you late to a party because you spent 3 hours getting ready?
I’ll just remind you of that again: he doesn’t have any bad intent when he forgets.
Do you have bad intent when you spend hours getting ready for an important party?
Do you intend to hurt your man by spending too long putting on make up, or doing your hair, and changing your mind about outfits?
The same lack of bad intent exists when a man is interested in you, but is doing something important.
But if you really want to know how much he likes you, here’s How To Tell If A Guy Likes You: 6 Signs & 1 Test.
How YOU As A woman view It Is Different To How HE Sees It
To a woman, it is RUDE to suggest that you didn’t call because you were doing something important.
Why?
Because we imply meaning in words.
When someone says that they were doing something IMPORTANT and that’s why they did not call us, we think they are communicating that something else is more important than US.
We assume they mean that we are no longer loved in that moment and that person might abandon us.
It makes women angry.
But…
It makes men confused.
A man’s confusion over this is JUST as innocent as a woman’s anger over this.
Related: Why The Fear Of Abandonment Makes You More Beautiful.
Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?
Don’t Always Imply Negative Intent.
Neither of us have bad intentions with the other person, we are just being a man or being a woman.
The fact is, if a man doesn’t call for a few days or a week, or just a few hours, AND we are in an established relationship with him, we feel hurt.
But we only feel hurt because of the meaning we place on his not calling.
RELATIONSHIP for masculine men is not number one.
It CAN be.
But I believe that takes time and the building of trust between two people.
If you want a long term relationship, you must be willing to have patience with a man.
They are not as instinctively driven to connect as females are. Unless they are actually more feminine inside their physical body.
Here’s Why Men Don’t Put More Effort Into The Relationship?
My honest belief is that in a committed relationship; for the relationship to work, both people must put each other first.
But if you don’t put each other first….the other begins to feel less significant and safe in the relationship. This becomes a huge problem.
And yet, though I believe this, I believe you have to arrive at this place, after a journey together. You don’t usually start off there. You have to earn each other’s trust.
You can’t subconsciously demand that of a man 3 months or even a year in to the relationship.
On the topic of trust, if you find that you are the type of woman who reacts out of anger instead of responding (perhaps due to fears of him abandoning you), then you might want to read my article on abandonment issues.
What Does It Mean When He Says He Will Call And Doesn’t?
It means one of these things:
- He forgot.
- He made a promise he couldn’t fulfil (put another way, he means well, but he just couldn’t fulfil his promise in action).
- He became overwhelmed with work or familial responsibilities.
- He doesn’t want to call you. (Perhaps he’s used to you sounding annoyed and unhappy on the phone, or he’s just not interested.)
What Does It Mean If He Only Texts Me And Never Calls?
It could mean a few things….
- He doesn’t realise (and you haven’t made it clear to him) how much it means to you to call you, so he just assumes it’s not that important to you.
- He prefers to text (because it interrupts him less, requires less commitment and allows him the freedom and space to respond whenever is easiest for him).
- He’s embarrassed or afraid to call.
- Worse case scenario: he is already married or seeing someone else, so he can’t invest the time into calling you (or wants to invest as little energy in you as possible whilst still keeping you around).
Remember also that calling someone to talk on the phone is an auditory thing, and a lot of guys are more visual than auditory, so they prefer to talk in person.
So How Do You Encourage Him To Call More?
There are many ways to encourage him to call more.
The one suggestion I will make today is for you to do what is counter intuitive:
ENJOY every call he makes. Openly. Enjoy it so he can hear your enjoyment.
When he HEARS your enjoyment, he starts to have it ‘click’ in his mind that you actually enjoy it.
Then it becomes a win-win situation in his mind, because he gets to feel successful when he calls you, rather than being told he’s a dick for not calling for a day.
Do you feel like punishing him for not calling?
Then you should read my article on What To Do When He Takes You For Granted.
This knee-jerk response to punish a man is the common response from women. I’ve worked with enough women to see this pattern.
(It’s no different to men wanting to punish a woman if she stops ‘putting out’).
I’ve also been that woman who punishes (because secretly I was afraid).
But it doesn’t work.
So let’s do what works.
Let’s enjoy the call…and that’s any call!
Sure it’s counter intuitive, but definitely helps you be a better catch than 99% of women out there.
Have the men you’ve dated in the past called MORE often than you’d like? Or LESS often than you’d like? Share your story with us!
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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