My man and I openly discuss relationship topics and the differences between men and women very often. We are both very passionate about it and this mutual passion is one reason I can write this blog.
One day recently, my man David and I were having a conversation about why men don’t call and how women chronically over analyse when he doesn’t call – a conversation that just made me laugh in amusement.
I laughed in amusement because no matter how many times I have a new realisation about how different a masculine man is to a feminine woman, it’s always funny.
It’s funny because what’s reality for a man is reality for a man and what is reality for a woman is reality for a woman and what’s silly is how both sexes try to make each other the same.
I do stop laughing quickly, though. Because incredible pain and suffering comes for men and women who want a partner with the opposite sexual energy than themselves, yet every day they do things to try to make their boyfriend or girlfriend the same as them.
As women we expect men to think like women. That’s like asking a whale to think like a giraffe. One is a sea animal and the other is a land animal. That very fact makes their motivations different. It makes their daily life different.
So Why Don’t Men Call More Often?
First of all, he may not be interested in pursuing anything more with you.
If you feel like you want closure as to why he doesn’t want anything more; the most basic answer I can give you is that there wasn’t enough attraction between the two of you in order for him to break out of his man-world to pursue a long term relationship with you.
Attraction and connection are what it takes for a man to commit further to a steady relationship. Without those two things, a relationship serves no purpose for a good, masculine man. Other than to drain his time and resources.
(…Even one woman can take all a man’s emotional and mental resources).
But what if he is interested and even committed?
Well, sometimes, men call very often. Any woman who has had a man be in love with her knows this. The calling frequency doesn’t last. Not necessarily because he’s no longer in love, but just because the nature of the relationship has changed.
But no matter HOW in love a man is with you, at some point in your relationship with a MALE, (if you want a long term relationship with a male), he’s going to be calling LESS than you wish he would. If you stay together for enough years, and you give each other enough compassion and love, one or both of you will come to understand the other’s needs, and the HURT you feel about him not calling might occur less frequently. And HIS frustration over your need for him to call you may turn in to something he lovingly remembers to do.
Key word; remembers. Yes, calling a woman is a hell of a lot of work and effort for men. And for good reason.
Feel free to let out some anger over this if you want. Feel free to even hate me for delivering this information, I understand the magnitude of which this absolutely sucks.
It’s OK to feel angry about it
You letting out your anger might not change the fact that calling is WORK for men, but at least it will lower your stress hormones over this and allow you to relax.
After doing that, I do invite you to come back and read.
My conversation with my husband David went (something like) this:
ME: SO many women have this problem of a man not calling them. *sigh in compassion and understanding for women*
DAVID: Looks at me.
ME: Look at him.
Pause.
DAVID: Well the reason men don’t call is obvious.
ME: Uh huh. So why?
DAVID: Because he is doing something important. (Insert serious face)
Pause.
He turns back to his emails and computer screen.
I start giggling.
He turns back to me.
He smiles.
ME:“BUT. From a woman’s perspective, we’re thinking, WHAT could be more important than calling ME???!!!!” (insert poor me face right here).
My husband works with women, too; helping them around the world get the commitment and relationship that other people envy. So his next reaction encompasses a deep understanding of women AND the frustration of the every day male.
DAVID: Hmph. Smirks. Then smiles and says “Women!”
Turns back to his emails.
But can’t he be more Considerate of MY Needs?
As a woman, reading this, right now…you’re probably thinking: “he’s doing something important. So what. What the hell does THAT mean. That’s besides the point. I’m hurting here.” “How insensitive!!”
And I’m here to suggest to you this:
What my husband said is every bit the point.
At least from a man’s perspective.
He didn’t mean: ‘you are not important.’ or ‘the woman is not important’.
Although him not calling DOES give that feeling to a woman.
He means the MAN was doing something important to HIM.
What David meant when he said men don’t call because he’s doing something IMPORTANT is this:
He CAN’T call you because of these reasons:
Men tend to operate visually and it’s hard to talk to you on the phone therefore, he’s not that motivated to call.
This isn’t about men being pervs. It’s about men being programmed for 84,000 generations to be hunters…men generally operate best through their visual senses, NOT their auditory senses.
Talking on the phone is an auditory act…he can’t flow with it as well as you can.
Women however, have been using their auditory senses for that 84,000 generations or more to talk to each other. We like the phone, we can spend ages on the phone just babbling.
Men use the phone usually to get from A to B.
A and B could be something related to work or it could be related to organising a date, or to get a piece of information, or to deliver information.
If the PHONE helps a man get from A to B then it suddenly becomes the best thing in the world.
He is used to you sounding unhappy on the phone.
If you want him to call you and every time he DOES call, you’re trying to imply through the tone of your voice that you’re PISSED because he isn’t calling as much as you’d otherwise like, guess what happens?
He felt terrible on the phone with you, so it made matters worse.
They DO use it to chat, but usually they do this the MOST when they are first falling in love with a woman…and this initial in love phase passes. (You can still be in love, but it’s a little bit different).
He simply doesn’t value calling as much as you do.
…And it’s not his conscious choice; it’s how the masculine brain works.
Why?
Because his brain is involved with something ELSE that is important in his world.
And when he is involved with something else….he’s not thinking about RELATIONSHIP. He can’t allow himself to be in a relationship without him first getting the important thing done.
With the exception of a time when he is in love.
When you are in love, you expend a lot of energy doing things you don’t do when you are not in love; you expend energy on chasing and ‘wooing’ that person.
For example; you stay up all night talking to each other, you take notice of things about that person you wouldn’t normally take notice in other people, you forget to eat, and sleep, at times. Men call more often than they would when they have just fallen in love.
This all takes a lot of energy. And this energy expenditure is not something that is designed to keep going forever; it’s designed to progress to the next part of a relationship; which is baby making and baby raising. This is the process of pair bonding.
Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away
What’s ‘Important’ in a Man’s World can Feel like Life or Death in a Man’s world
And let me add, what is IMPORTANT in a man’s mind CAN be the difference between life and death. For HIM.
Let me explain.
When a man is focused on business or anything related to the progression of his rank in society (sports, work, entrepreneurial related tasks); it IS life or death. I’m not 100% sure men would describe it the way that I am since I am a female, but that’s how I’m describing it to you in order to help you understand.
It’s that important to him. But it doesn’t mean YOU are not important.
Intimate relationship is not the masculine priority.
‘Relationship’ in this case refers to calling to show that he cares. He often just forgets to call, and he does not have any bad intent when he forgets.
Do YOU have bad intentions when you make you both late to a party because you spent 3 hours getting ready?
I’ll just remind you of that one: he doesn’t have any bad intent when he forgets.
Do you have bad intent when you spend hours getting ready for an important party? Do you intend to hurt or piss off your man by spending far too long putting on make up, or doing your hair, and changing your mind about outfits?
The same lack of bad intent exists when a man is interested, but is doing something important.
How YOU as a woman view it and how it’s Different to a Man’s Point of View
To a woman, it is RUDE to suggest that you didn’t call because you were doing something important.
Why?
Because we imply meaning in words.
When someone says that they were doing something IMPORTANT and that’s why they did not call us, we think they are communicating that something else is more important than US. And that we are no longer loved in that moment and that person might abandon us.
It makes women angry.
It makes MEN confused.
A man’s confusion over this is JUST as innocent as a woman’s anger over this.
Don’t always imply negative intent.
Neither of us have bad intentions with the other person, we are just being a man or being a woman.
The fact is, if a man doesn’t call for a few days or a week, or just a few hours, AND we are in an established relationship with him, we feel hurt. But we only feel hurt because of the meaning we place on his not calling.
RELATIONSHIP for masculine men is not number one.
It CAN be.
But I believe that takes time and the building of trust between two people.
If you want a long term relationship, you must be willing to have patience with a man. They are not as instinctively driven to connect as females are. Unless they are actually more feminine inside their physical body.
My honest belief is that in a committed relationship; for the relationship to work, both people must put each other first. But if you don’t put each other first….the other begins to feel less significant and safe in the relationship. This becomes a huge problem.
And yet, though I believe this, I believe you have to ARRIVE at this place, after a journey together. You don’t usually START off there. You have to earn each other’s trust.
You can’t subconsciously demand that of a man 3 months or even a year in to the relationship.
So How do you Encourage him to call more?
There are many ways to encourage him to call more.
The one suggestion I will make today is for you to do what is counter intuitive:
ENJOY every call he makes. Openly. ENJOY it so he can HEAR your enjoyment.
When he HEARS your enjoyment, he starts to have it ‘click’ in his mind that you actually enjoy it and he gets to feel successful rather than be told he’s a dick for not calling for a week.
Do you feel like punishing him for not calling?
This is the common response from women. I’ve worked with enough women to see this pattern.
I’ve also been that woman.
It doesn’t work.
So enjoy the call; and that’s any call!
Counter intuitive, but definitely helps you a better catch than 99% of women out there.
Have the men you’ve dated in the past called MORE often than you’d like? Or LESS often than you’d like? Share your story with us!
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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Hi, if you have a bit of time… I am having a similar problem with my boyfriend. However, the roles are switched. He insists on calling me throughout the day and becomes offended when I don’t answer or I’m busy. I work all day and need to stay focused on my tasks because I’m trying to get ahead as much as possible in my respective field. I feel as if he doesn’t respect the work that I’m doing and interrupts me when I’m clearly busy just to talk about nothing important. Any advice would be very helpful! Thank you.
Thank you, I’m glad I found this article. My boyfriend of 3 years texts or calls me only once a week or more, which makes me feel insecure and worthless. He used to initiate the contact everyday in our 1st year but he does less and less slowly. I understand he’s genuinely busy with work and is on the phone all day long even when he’s on leave.I always complain and whine like “why can’t you even make 5 minute for a quick call?” “Are you seeing someone else?” “You don’t love or care about me at all” when he… Read more »
Hello, thank you for this article Ive been struggling with this for a long while and felt so lost. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and I have noticed this change from calling me all the time to much less. I’ve been trying to make sense of it and in my hurt has made the assumption that he doesnt care or love me anymore. I try to tell him how I feel but I don’t want to feel like a burden or that I’m asking too much of him. Its hard for me to reach out… Read more »
Hey Renee😊, I want to start off by saying I really appreciate what you are educating me from being in my feminine nature to understanding men and how to be a high value woman. You’re really doing a great job in that! I have been dating a man for a year now, from the very first I won’t say we were all lovey dovey with each other maybe because we started off being in a long distance relationship we met randomly on the streets because I was simply in town where he lives which is 3 hour distance from where… Read more »
Great,thank you for this article…i hope it helps modify my thinking and anger towards him
For the record I have been with my partner for 12 years and he calls me more than he ever has. I have never had the problem of any man not calling me as much as I need unless he was with someone else.
There are too many things wrong with this article as in it being geared in one direction. You speak about women like they are a chore for men. Yet men have multiple women at one time. Talking on the phone cannot be hard for them. They maintain several relationships at once. The part about the relationship changing for child rearing and bonding. One sided not every couple wants or will have kids. The bonding process never ceases between people who don’t have children. It’s actually stronger without children. I could go on and on about this but like you said… Read more »
Great article 😊👍
“Z”? Nah only “S” is necessary
This “Issue” has come up a few times in my most recent relationship with a woman… I personally hate talking on the phone. I would rather see her in person where I can give her my undivided attention. She would get mad that she did all of the initiating reaching out which was totally true…. However, it didn’t make sense for me to call or text her when I would hear from her 5-6 times a day already as it was. She would then have these moments of not reaching out at all for a few days, waiting for me… Read more »
Very good article. Everything you said re how a man thinks and feels about things, I’ve pretty much heard this from my boyfriend….they aren’t doing things to purposely hurt you, they just think differently. My boyfriend and I don’t “chat” on the phone too often, he doesn’t like talking on the phone, he told me isn’t a phone person when we first met. I get it, and never took it personally. He likes to talk in person. That’s when we visit and talk, when we see each other. My dad is even the same way; it’s a guy thing. My… Read more »
I am dating a guy for a month now, we have been going to vacation twice after 2 dates! maybe bizarre but it happened. he is a trustable and laid back guy and he respects me a lot. he is texting 3 times a day since the beginning, morning, noon and night! mainly ordinary short texts to tell me he is thinking of me but he does not call! he is not a verbal person at all but touchy. he is so kind when he is around though. we used to see each other twice a week when we are… Read more »
I think this is a good article. But at the same time it does not apply to a lot of men. I dated a guy before who was super charged at the start with contact but then weened off. I gave him space. I did not mind it since i wanted to also do my own thing. And then I found out that he stopped calling/texting as often because he had a whole harem of women he was dating. this was after a year of being together. He told me he loved me (after 1 year) and the next day… Read more »
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Yeah, this was a pretty dumb article.
I stopped reading when the author said that it is work for men to call.
What?!
Uh, no, it is not.
They call and text their friends a lot. But you? . . .
You missed the point Joe. But if you don’t want to consider things such as
1: context; and
2: what it feels like for some men to call, when they are say, knee deep in a mission…
that’s fine. People like you are not who this site is for. Just because you don’t think it’s work, doesn’t mean some men don’t feel it is work.
I agree. If they really wanted to they would, and they would not even have to think about it. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
What a stupid article
Talking in the phone is an auditory act. As a 18-year-old girl (born in 1998) who is auditory, I don’t call more often because: 1) My only hobby is singing. I’ve being programmed for 18 years to be a “cassette recorder” and remember lots of songs I’ve listened, I can’t flow it as well as my mother and Renee can despite being auditory. Hence, like most men, I usually use the phone to get from A to B (It is usually homework) Instead of connecting with others, I prefer to investigate masculinity and femininity and reach a particular conclusion, that’s… Read more »
So what if this same man hurt you pretty badly in the past? And you feel he should be showing more gratitude that you’re speaking with him again, or giving him the time of day? I get that masculine me are wired differently . I guess at what point does it become disrespectful when he hasn’t openly apologized for the past but keeps saying he wants to get together when he has moved and his work situation has changed?
No apology then no remorse. Move on. His work situation could take years to change. Why would you be holding on for that. I’m sure you have expectations of the kind of relationship you want. If this isn’t it then wish him well with his life and find the kind of relationship you’re looking for.
I am so late to the party, aren’t I? I do believe that rene’s point are valid but to certain point only. I have experienced to have been at both the receiving ends. I’ve been the needy one (at least i feel like it) and the needed one and trust me both feel like shit. But i know one thing for sure, when we’re being the needy one, we’re definitely more interested that the other party. Not to say they are not interested in us but i can definitely tell we’re not their top priority. I have been closed with… Read more »
Nice post! Thanks for sharing it. I wish I read it sooner. I broke up with my boyfriend recently because of this forget-no-calling thing. Most of what you wrote here happened to me. We were on long distance relationship, lasted only few months because of this. I felt strange with the decrease of texts and calls after he told me he love me and know I feel the same. Those make me feel he does not love me anymore and I am not important to him that made me upset. My upset showed when he called me and last time… Read more »