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I know right? That title is soooo preposterous! Well, if it’s preposterous then so be it.
There’s nothing wrong with secretly wanting to compete with other women. In fact, intra-sexual competition is alive and well. In other words, women are always competing with other women, and the same goes with men. The only difference is, us women mostly compete in much more covert and behind your back kind of ways than men do.
And there’s no shame in recognising that. To compete doesn’t mean you’re not a feminine woman. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. In fact, the more you try to ignore this fact, the more superficial you have to become and the less attuned you become to both other women and men! After all, other women will still compete with you, even if you don’t want to compete with them!
You see, intra-sexual competition is a part of the human experience, and it’s a game that I want you to become good at. If intra-sexual competition wasn’t here on earth to serve in someway, then you and I wouldn’t have made it this far. You and I are the offspring of women and men who have successfully competed with other members of their own sex. So, give them a nod of thanks, because you wouldn’t be here today without them!
So imagine this for a second…
You wake up tomorrow morning from a beautiful sleep, and suddenly you notice that you have this newfound sense of certainty inside of you. No, not confidence – because confidence is often superficial – but certainty. Certainty that you have the power to make any man look at you not with sexual desire, but look at you as if you were the only woman in the world.
Imagine a man you perceive high value in. He’s strong, handsome, kind, and capable. He has so much value that it makes you cry thinking about it.
Now imagine him wanting to make you his own for life. Imagine him wanting to make sure that you are OK. Imagine him wanting to marry you, to take care of you, be faithful to you and only you – for the rest of your life here on earth.
Like flipping a magic switch – ta da! – and you somehow know for sure that you are ‘The One’.
Yes, the ONE.
Kind of like Neo was ‘The One’ in the movie The Matrix. But – you’re ‘The One’ with that X factor.
The one whom men can’t quite “figure out”, but are drawn to like men were drawn to Marilyn Monroe in the 60s.
The one whom men don’t just want to have sex with, but always want to go deeper with – deeper into a relationship, that is. (Not just THAT kind of deeper!)
The one whom men don’t bat an eye at spending money on.
The one whom men show little resistance to committing to.
Would you want this feeling of certainty if you could have it?
Or would you shy away from such an opportunity, not wanting to risk getting hurt, or embarrassing yourself?
Because I know how hard it is to believe when all you’ve known is half-assed men. It’s definitely not easy to TRUST that a positive experience is out there when you’ve been very hurt in the past, and I know you have been hurt.
Well, allow me to quickly share something with you. I’ve been doing this for 9 years now, and my confidence in women being able to inspire men to protect them, love them and commit to them only grows over time.
It wasn’t always this way. I used to think that men are either selfish or giving – and that we couldn’t influence whether they were giving or not – and I used to assume that some women just got lucky in love and landed a good man.
As it turns out, I was wrong.
As time has gone on, I’ve come to realise that for both men and women – it’s not about luck – it’s how they show up that matters. If you truly are ready to commit to dream love with your dream man, then yes – there IS something you can do in order to inspire that in almost any man you want.
Of course, if we’re talking about getting a married man to leave his wife and family to enter into a committed relationship with you – then maybe you’d have a harder time with that! (We get plenty of emails from women asking us, “How can I make him leave his wife? Lol. It sure shocked my husband at first!)
And of course, you cannot make EVERY single man on earth want to commit to you and love you forever, because timing is also important! But you certainly can make many men feel you as the woman they fall in love with rather than the woman they keep around for convenience and sex.
Here’s a little known secret: It’s just as easy to get men to see you as their ‘one and only’ woman as it is to get them to see you as their ‘one of many’ woman, when you understand a few simple things. It’s really not that hard to have men want you deeply and want to commit to you forever.
And I’m about to share with you how you can do this for yourself. Because I believe life is far too short to sit around and just take crumbs from men. It’s far too short to just be the ‘one of many woman’ forever.
This is why I created my DVD, “Becoming His One & Only”. And because I believe in this so much, and I want to see this world full of emotionally resourceful women, I’m making this DVD FREE for now. That’s right, you can get a copy of the DVD for FREE right now, at www.bhoodvd.com
Secret number 1: Be clear on which competition you are trying to win
Choose your battles carefully.
What do I mean? I mean that most women these days make the disastrous mistake of entering the competition of who can be the most sexy or visually attractive to men. Or worse, women try to “out-slut” each other.
It’s like pricing yourself lower than other women in order to undercut them. The only problem is, you end up looking like another piece of meat.
Are you really just another commodity. Or do you also have a soul?
The competition you should be entering is the competition of showing up as the one and only, not the one of many! If you want a committed, loving, passionate and sacred relationship for the long term, then act like a woman who wants that by not just leading with your sex appeal. Because it what that does is it just appeals to men’s sex drive, not to their desire to connect with you and take care of you.
You can still have sex appeal, just don’t lead with your sex appeal from the get go (unless you want men to just want to have sex with you), because that would be a painful mistake on your part. It’s kind of like shooting yourself in the foot. Many of us women make the mistake of assuming that in the context of a relationship, men actually perceive the most value in you turning them on sexually. (hint: if you want a deeply committed relationship, then it’s best to have the belief that men perceive value in experiencing emotional attraction and emotional connection with you).
On that note, do you know what the 2 Critical elements of any intimate relationships are and how they make or break your love life? Find out here!
Hey, I don’t blame you for wanting to be desired – we are all driven by sex! Sex is wonderful and it gets our genes passed on. Sex (and whether we get sex or not) affects our emotional and psychological state. However, I’m not asking you to put away your sex appeal forever. I’m asking you to consider the value in not leading with your need to be desired.
You see, if you’re in a place in your life right now where you want commitment, and what you truly want is a man to fall in love with you, then the competition you should be entering is not the one of being sexually attractive, unfortunately.
Instead of leading with your sexiness (which is by the way, very plentiful in this world), you will need to lead with your desire to connect and attract a man emotionally.
The more you signal your readiness for sex from the first minute, the more likely it is that the men you want, no matter his quality, will categorise you in the ‘one of many’ category. So does this mean that you need to actually tone down your sex appeal to men?
Yes, in the beginning, if you’re truly serious about men falling in love with you rather than just desiring you. A lot of women have expressed to me that they simply don’t believe in this. They don’t believe that they can get a man if they don’t turn up their sex appeal. They are sensitive to the female competition out there who are amping up their sexual appeal.
Well, my answer is: what are you wanting to attract? Desire? Or deep romantic love, where a man is completely and utterly emotionally invested in you and mad about you?
Here’s what I mean: I mean that the energy you put out comes back to you tenfold. So, don’t waste your time, your reproductive years, trying to put out the energy that you want to get cheap attention from men. Cheap attention is everywhere, almost any woman can get it.
What a lot of women do struggle to get in this day and age of political correctness, and in this society that values self sufficiency, is a man being head over heels in love. What most women do struggle with, is developing a deep emotional connection and a deep emotional attraction.
And it’s not our fault. Our society kind of sets us up to value instant gratification and the novelty of new partners.
Having said all this – marriage isn’t necessarily the best goal to aim for either. A lot of married women still struggle getting their man to fall in love, because a lot of married couples don’t necessarily marry out of pure emotional attraction and emotional connection – they marry because of many other reasons. Not everyone gets married because they are in love.
So, be smarter than your competition on instagram, tinder, bumble, and match.com. Don’t be a sexual commodity. That’s what almost everyone is trying to be.
Not every woman has the courage to engage emotionally with a man from the start, because we weren’t exactly taught how, were we? Algebra was more important in school – not our relationship happiness!
So here’s an idea: in your online dating profile (if you use one) lead with the desire to connect, and put up a fully clothed, somewhat mysterious and classy picture of yourself. (no sexual posing, just you. As you are. Just a smile is enough.)
And if you don’t use online dating or dating apps, then you know what to do when you meet men in real life: don’t try to prove you’re sexy. Simply connect. Reach out and connect generously.
If you don’t know how to do that – simply start with wobbly baby steps and you will gain more and more courage along the way; the hardest part is to start, despite fearing you’ll look like an idiot. Trust me – you won’t look like an idiot, if your intention is truly to connect.
And if you feel like this shouldn’t be a competition, and you shouldn’t have to compete but just be yourself, well – sometimes we try to avoid competition to give ourselves the illusion of safety.
I agree in being yourself, but the trick is actually being yourself and taking the masks off.
Intrasexual competition is one of the biggest reasons why you and I are here, existing today. We are the product of our ancestors who entered the intrasexual competition and did well for themselves. So you might as well embrace it and at least enter the right competition – ie: show up as the one and only type of woman from the start.
This is why I made my FREE DVD “Becoming His One & Only”. Yes, you can get a free copy of that by going here: www.bhoodvd.com
I do want to warn you of something though. It’s not the norm for men to be like this, but I do believe that there is a small percentage of men who don’t have the ability to feel deeply for you, or for anyone else. Call them sociopaths or psychopaths, men who fall into the ‘dark triad’ of behaviour or maybe just men with shiny object syndrome.
So, don’t feel bad if you truly do show up as the one and only, and he cannot connect as deeply with you. There’s just a small percentage of men who will be like this and it isn’t your fault! But what matters is that you have the understanding and skills to show up as the one and only. That’s the most important thing.
Secret number 2: Show high value vulnerability
What is high value vulnerability? Well, let’s put this into context. If we were talking about dating, to show high value vulnerability from the first date would be to not show up with masks on. So, be the first woman he’s ever dated who doesn’t show up with masks on.
Obviously, high value vulnerability is a very deep topic and if you were in a relationship and wanted to utilise high value vulnerability, you’d have a lot more to learn, and we talk at depth about high value vulnerability in our programs. But for the purposes of this video today, we will be talking about dating.
By the way, there are exactly 7 Signs that a Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do you know what they are? (And how to avoid them like the plague?) Find out here.
So what does it mean to show up without masks? It means to not worry about being in control. Here’s an example. I was nervous and embarrassed the first time my husband and I went out on a proper dinner date. Granted, we were young and didn’t have much money, so we did not go on many dinner dates at all, and instead spent many hours walking around the city or talking in the car instead.
However, this one time was the very first time he took me out for dinner and I was nervous. I was answering a question he asked and I was waving my hands around whilst talking and I lost control of myself. Lol. What I mean is, while I was busy answering his question, I accidentally whacked the fork on my own side of the table and it flew up in the air and slammed back down on the table with a loud whack. In a peaceful restaurant. I turned red like a bell pepper. I thought “Oh my god. I’m seen now….” I went a little red, because I realised it was suddenly obvious that I wasn’t in control of myself. Oh well. It is what it is. He laughed it off, and to be honest, I’m still like that today.
It’s him who first appreciated that in me later on. He laughed about it happily and said “I like that. It’s a good thing. It shows you’re not trying hard to be in control.”
I’m not the type of woman who is always in control and you don’t need to be either. I remember we were away on a New Zealand trip one day and I pointed to the beautiful and famous mountain range over there, called the ‘remarkables’, and I was in heaven looking at them – they were so big and beautiful, I was in awe of them – I mean they took my breath away. And then I asked him “are these one of the seven wonders of the world?”
What a totally uneducated, silly question to ask, right? I’m embarrassed to be telling you what a stupid question I asked! I’ve never won any trivia competition that’s for sure.
So if you think you’re silly and out of control, you couldn’t be as bad as I was….could you? (share your story with me below if you have a silly story like this!)
You see, some men might be assholes and judge you and ridicule you for not having great knowledge or great capabilities – but do you really want a man who wants to suppress you in this way? Isn’t that more of a toxic relationship than a healthy relationship?
Men who always have to be right and in control will always be more likely to suppress your femininity and vulnerability. So be aware of that.
I know that sometimes it’s a privilege to be able to let go and not have to be in control and know everything, because many of us women have to direct ourselves and our own lives these days, and get stuff done. But sometimes we get a little too uptight with having to know ‘everything’, and being in control….this is just a reminder that you don’t need to be in control to be worthy. In fact, being out of control is vulnerable, normal, relatable and real.
If you’re in a long term relationship and are curious about High Value Vulnerability, see our program Commitment Control 2 where we teach you how to embody that. Or, you can check learn about the one specific emotional trigger within every single man in this world that inspires him to want to commit to you and ONLY you right here.
Secret number 3: Lead with value, rather than taking value
There is one thing I want you to understand. Most people make the silly mistake of going to the relationships in their lives to take. I actually learned this from Tony Robbins: he said most people make the mistake of going to their relationship to take.
And so when you do this over and over, it drains from the connection you have with the other person. I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end of this yourself with men at times, haven’t you?
As women, our primary driver is to seek investment from men. We want resources and we want a committed relationship. Unfortunately, for men, the default position is to minimise investment in a woman – UNLESS she is his one and only. Then they will beg you to commit to them.
Here’s an article on 3 Reasons Why All Men Secretly Love to Commit.
So, help a man to feel like he won gold with you by appreciating that it’s important to lead with value first, rather than seeing a man for what he can give you – for example his money, status, and maybe even marriage.
So, as painful and disappointing your past experiences with men may be, as much as you would want a man to lead with value first and add value to YOUR life instead of always just taking, it’s important to lead with value yourself too. I want you to learn to lead with value. What would that look like? Well, it’s different in different contexts.
But here’s a quick tip: leading with value for you as a woman in the dating market would mean to look to establish the two things that truly matter to men (for a relationship): emotional attraction and emotional connection. These are the things that inspire the need for a deeply committed relationship (with you) in men. Otherwise, they won’t seek it with you!
Attraction and connection are the two critical things that make a relationship work. So, instead of investing in your worries and anxieties, how about giving yourself the gift of certainty and confidence?
Give yourself that gift of certainty in your body by knowing that the important things are to build attraction and connection, and this equals leading with value. Connect to a man’s soul and practise appreciating the masculine soul in men, even if right now the only masculinity he is exhibiting is playing video games. At least he wants to win and find solutions, even if it’s not in the way you want it to be, right?
(By the way, that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate bad behaviour in men! To help you know what you should and should not tolerate in men, I’ve actually written an article on 6 Behaviours You Should Never Tolerate in a Man).
Eventually, if you focus on building emotional connection and emotional attraction – the two most important things – you will either discover that you’ve created a beautiful, sacred connection with a man who never wants to leave you, or you’ll discover through your own gut instinct or intuition by interacting with him, that he doesn’t value connection or you, at all.
You see, when you look to take value instead of give value, you will be much slower to find out the truth about a man’s intentions. Because when you take, you’re not attuned to the other person – you’re attuned to your own impulses and perceived scarcities in your life.
It’s much like treating a friend to lunch or coffee. You pay for them, because you get to find out whether they want to invest in you or not next time – you get to see if they bother wanting to invite you out again and treat you to a coffee.
When you lead with value by focusing on connecting – you’ll quickly feel and see if there’s any real connection. And isn’t that wonderful? Who wants to waste precious time? We only have one life. Here’s another article I wrote on the 3 Things that Make Women High Value to Men.
That is all. Please leave me a comment below, I love reading your stories, your thoughts and your feelings. And if you liked this article, you’re going to love my new FREE DVD “Becoming His One and Only”. Go here to get your hands on a copy of it! www.bhoodvd.com
OK that’s all from me, now over to you. Can you share your experiences with me? I always look forward to reading your comments and stories here. Have you ever been on the receiving end of other women competing with you? Is there anything in this article you need clarification on? Let me know!
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