Pleaser Women Always Lose Out – The Difference Between Pleasing and Giving

Pleaser Women Lose out – The Difference Between Pleasing and Giving

I see a huge problem among us women, especially when women are in a relationship.

This problem is the problem of pleasing all the time. Most women would pass this off as ‘oh it doesn’t apply to me’, I’m a cool woman and I would never be one of those silly pleasers!

However, in my experience, many women like to think they’re not acting like pleasers, but they actually are.

Part of this comes from not really understanding the difference between pleasing and giving.

Pleaser Women Always Lose Out

More often than not, truly giving to someone is counter-intuitive.

It’s not something many of us have been taught.  And many women mistake pleasing for giving.

The trap: Your own feminine mindset.

What is valuable to men in a relationship is not the same as what is valuable to women.

Most women will read this and nod, yet continue (for the rest of their lives) to give to their man in the same way they always have.

Which is in a way that the man doesn’t perceive value.

Sure, most girlfriends and wives will at least ‘hit the spot’ with a man every once in a while.

But because we are human and as women we have a feminine bias, we will make the mistake of trying to give what WE think is valuable, rather than what the man truly perceives as valuable.

Sadly, many of us then wonder why the relationship is failing, why he is pulling away, and why we’re becoming another divorce statistic. (read my article about how to deal fear of being alone)

Related: Here is an article on what makes a man leave his wife for another woman.

It’s not anyone’s fault. How are we supposed to know what we’ve never been taught?


In your relationship, being a pleaser is a very quick way to destroy the attraction.

Most of us would just rather ignore the loss. Denial is a common option. Denial feels certain, after all.

If you want to be a treasured friend to somebody, being a pleaser won’t get you there.

Pleasing and giving are two very different things.

But they do have one thing in common: each of these actions fulfill 1 or more of our 6 human needs.

As such, I believe there is no truly selfless act.

Even if a man dies for his wife – dying for someone is one of the most self-sacrificing acts there are.

However, even in a situation like this, we are serving ourselves in some way, however small.

What I’ve noticed is that most of us operate more from a pleasing place than a giving place, and we are not consciously aware of it.

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

The real difference: Pleasing vs Giving

Pleasing is about you.

When you try to please someone, you’re coming from a place of fear. It’s about your survival and it’s inherently just about you.

What has pleasing got to do with fear?

We please because we harbour a fear of loss of love, and desperation or neediness.

And you are looking for something in return; whether that be a reaction, or approval, or to get out of trouble (a mistake I’ve made) and a sign that you actually ‘did ok’.

Here’s something important:

It’s not that you can’t ever need or want somebody’s approval or have fear.

The point is that you don’t want to live there, and consistently act from that state of emotion.

Giving, however, comes from a place of resourcefulness, attunement, and pride.

Giving is what you do when you truly care about somebody.

You care about their future, and what they really need – not what they want, and not even what they seem to want or say they want.

CLICK HERE to discover how much you truly live in your feminine energy with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

Examples of pleasing…

1) A good example of pleasing would be: the woman who makes plans with her friends, but when her man calls to meet up, she changes her plans with her friends. Largely because, inside, she feels bad for saying ‘no’ to him.

Why? Because she feels she might lose his love. Poor friends!

2) Another example: Stacking up too many plans with loved ones and “doing too much” for the people around you.

You are attending to so many demands and ‘requests’ of your loved ones that you can’t keep to your plans and end up late for people or having to cancel on people.

Worse still, you are so much of a pleaser that you are way too scared to call up and say ‘I’m so sorry, I’m going to be late by 30 minutes’.

And because you’re too scared, you end up disappointing people because you kept them in the dark.

So much for ‘pleasing’.

More like avoiding, right?

3) The classic example of pleasing:

Parents giving their children everything they want (or almost everything) to compensate for their own emotional and physical absence.

And then saying that they do it out of love.

I’m not saying they don’t love their child. But this act itself, more often than not, comes from a place of not wanting to lose the child’s love, affection or even the attachment of the child.

After all, the more dependent someone is on you, the more safe we can feel within that relationship ourselves. At least we sometimes trick ourselves in to believing this.

Too bad children are so dependent on you, until they’re not.

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The ‘K’ Word

The classic phrase used by a pleaser is: ‘keep him happy’ or ‘keep her happy’.

A lot of women strive to ‘keep’ a man happy. Can you see what I’m getting at here?

If you’re not a pleaser, there’s nothing wrong with the word keep, because you’re genuinely keeping someone in the sense that you give so much to someone that they’re a raving fan of you.

But a pleaser woman’s ‘keep’ is very different from a high value woman’s keep.

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 8 Question Quiz!

Pleaser women become low value women

We all value people who are givers.

Even if their actions make us angry and resentful at first, because givers are valuable women.

I mean truly valuable.

However, we don’t truly value pleasers. People who seem to value pleasers are people you don’t want in your life.

They’re most likely leeching off your insecurities and your desperation for love and approval.

It’s easy to manipulate pleasers. We don’t ever respect people we can manipulate. Let alone value them.

Here are 10 Seemingly Harmless Signs Of A Toxic Relationship.

Giving is an act, a message, a gesture, done from a place of pride, knowing that giving won’t take away anything from you (unless you have poor boundaries and low self esteem).

Giving is something you do because you already have so many internal resources that you can afford to give to others who matter to you.

See, pleasers have little to no internal resources (little value).

This is because the ‘feel good’ moment, (the ‘high’ you get) from pleasing only lasts so long.

And it’s like a bottle being emptied the minute it is filled, and then needing to be filled, again and again.

I can attest to the difference between pleasing and giving because I’ve done both in my life.

I’ve gone and pleased people and felt the awful after- effects.

It never works out – even if it does for a day. In fact, I’ve ‘pleased’ – only to find that those ‘friends’ I wanted to please actually didn’t really value me.

No wonder. I wasn’t even valuing myself!

I’ve given so much also, that I recognize just how rewarding the act of truly giving is.

I’ve given in ways that no-one would expect me to. I can say that it always works out.

Like I heard once: “what you give, you get to keep. What you fail to give, you lose forever”. Giving adds to your high value as a woman, but pleasing never does.

CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.

So what is giving?


1) Giving could be making someone else feel significant, giving them resources to feel good and to feel appreciated, rather than trying to ‘keep them happy’ out of fear of losing them.

So, you give to them despite your fear of losing them (and therefore your actions are coming from a place of resourcefulness and high value, rather than fear).

2) Giving could be telling your man that you need time to yourself. Time to re-charge so that you can come back to the relationship with more to give, instead of seeing him every time he says he misses you. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

3) Giving could be not having sex with your man at all this time, rather than laying there like a dead horse while he does his thing, like he’s having sex with a blow-up doll or a rigid post.

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How to give instead of Pleasing:

Now, learning how to truly give to a man (or to anyone at all) is not something you can easily learn overnight.

It’s a big topic, much too big for this article in itself, and it’s a learning process.

Nonetheless, here is a start on what you need to do to become a giver rather than a pleaser:

1) Get out a piece of paper, right now.

Write down every decision you have made (or that you can remember) out of a need to please someone in the last month.

Next to each of those decisions you’ve listed, write down the consequence of that decision.

How did you feel after making that decision?

How did the person you wanted to please react? Did the reaction you wanted last? Did the reaction you hoped for even occur at all?

2) From now on, stop focusing on the fear of upsetting people.

Because you will upset people. Your needs are naturally in conflict with the needs of others, a lot of the time.

So accept displeasing people as a fact of life!

Instead of focusing on how you might ‘upset people’, how they might get angry at you, or how you might ‘disappoint people’ or ‘make people dislike you’, start using some new language.

As soon as you notice yourself reacting out of fear, ask yourself, what would really benefit me as well as this person right now?

Where am I truly at?

Where are they truly at?

How important is it really that I give them what they need, just to please them?

Will it increase my own resentment towards them and towards myself if I just did something to please them?

What would truly benefit our relationship?

(Click here to register to watch my Commitment Masterclass for free.)

For example. You may be scared to speak up in a situation where you feel your opinion is not as ‘clever’ or ‘right’.

Or, you might fear that by speaking up, people will ostracize you.

In fact, truly giving to these people would be to actually stand up with certainty and either share, or tell the truth. Whatever the situation calls for.

By the way

I just want to ask you a question: can you share with us why the word ‘keep’ in the phrase ‘keep him happy’ is dangerous?

Share with us below, your experience with pleasers and givers. Looking forward to hearing from you.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”…Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

renee wade what to do when he doesn't call

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My sense is that we can trick ourselves into thinking we’re giving when we’re actually pleasing. For instance, giving a child everything it wants to ‘keep’ it happy or to ‘keep’ its love is not good for the pleaser (who may think they are giving) or the child. The child may gain a sense of entitlement, which isn’t going to be great longer term for anyone, especially not the child. Giving (actually pleasing) to placate only teaches someone to take without ever giving. Not a strategy for a happy or fulfilling life for anyone. It seems to me ‘pleasing’ is… Read more »


This article is so off the mark. The author is overthinking. Men do not assess whether you are a high-value woman or not. We don’t care about that stuff because the majority of us men are more concerned about becoming the best man possible and charting our own course in this cruel and competitive world. What we want is a pleasant (read pleasing woman if you want), warm, nurturing woman with virtues, who values herself above all and behaves accordingly. We don’t care or need the money you earn. You earn a salary for yourself! A high-quality man has no… Read more »


I did this the whole time I was in a relationship with my ex. For almost 7 years. What happened? I neglected myself and my needs so much that I had an affair and it subsequently ended the relationship. It’s so dangerous pleasing for the sake of others because over time you will explode. I definitely learned my lesson and now am in a relationship with a man who has taught me how important it is to put YOURSELF and your needs first. Then you can love and give from an honest place without depleting yourself.

Jonna Jasmina
Jonna Jasmina

Oh dear….

I might replace the phrase “keep him/her happy” with “make him/her happy”… at least it sounds better.

Yes, I do like the idea that we’re here on Earth to serve (humankind), so I see why “keeping” someone happy could be the thing. I’ve wondered this in my life… what is the place where it’s coming from… So there’s definitely two places – the pleaser and the giver.

The pleaser lacking dark energy? And the giver having enough that dark energy to give it some spank? 😉


I love this article. I spent most of my life confusing Giving and Pleasing. Now at 36 years old, although I probably make far less people happy and have lost some people who I thought were friends, I finally learned that Giving instead of Pleasing has made me a stronger individual and more self assured.



Somebody else has finally said, YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!

The Dude
The Dude

Some women are seeking attention and so they give as an act of pleasing because they think you want suggestions, information, chit chat, discussions, etc…when in fact, it’s about them. If you are truly giving, you will ask questions that are meaningful to the person, not to yourself. A woman who has an agenda, say of interview questions about where you are in life and where you’re going is looking for you to fulfill something for them. It’s a trap…a dangerous one. When a woman gives her time…to learn you and not judge you…that’s a keeper. A woman judging you… Read more »

Reply to  The Dude

Thank you for being so open and sharing your views…they are very valuable to everyone on here

Amy Kammerer
Amy Kammerer

“Keep” is dangerous as it implies a loss of freedom.

Reply to  Amy Kammerer

In your opinion only…you have just judged the gentleman above for being open about how he feels.


Thank you so much for this article!!

Maybe “keep” means you would be trying to keep him happy by pleasing him for fear that he would leave. I think this would make me seem less valuable in his eyes if I became a doormat and was kissing his butt all the time.

What do you think?

Caryn Parker
Caryn Parker

Hi Renee,
The word “keep” him happy is controlling and makes us believe that we alone are responsible for his happiness. That we must constantly be working hard to “please” him. I have been and can be a pleaser at times, I believe I have been learning how to give in the last few years, I have to be so aware that I don’t slip into pleasing, as I have been comfortable in that role for many years.

Thanks so much for your articles, it has helped me become aware of so many things!


I am indebted to you for this article which has hit me in the face like cold ice. A wake up call I sorely needed. Thank you from my heart.


Thank you for the article 🙂 loved reading what i ,ve been sensing myself but couldn’t figure out what the problem was exactly. last month I postponed plans with my friends to please my boyfriends wish to take me to the movies. I didn’t feel well about my decision but I did it anyway. I had fun but could feel something wasn’t good. Else what I would like to share: I have two girlfriends: one is a giver: tells me when she doesn’t have time to hang out without having to give me reasons, doesn’t put so much emojis in… Read more »


“keep” well it says it all in itself when you keep something you trap it. I keep my dog on a leash when out side. I keep my hamsters in a cage. I keep my journal hidden and to myself. The word keep just infers trapping or not letting something go or even breath! I have been a pleaser all my life! I just got out of a really ugly relationship and Im in another with an ex from many years ago, I fear I have let him down because the woman he knew was a “high value” and I… Read more »


Thank you Renee, this really helps. Yes we all do silly things in the name of love. I think it’s time we start pampering ourselves more than the men we think loves us. Sometimes I honestly feel- love is over rated. But then again- I’m still learning.

Reply to  Wendy

She is not suggesting that we be superficially self indulgent, shallow or to forsake giving or caring. Telling us to ‘give up’ or abandon our instinct to give would be solving nothing. A woman who goes around using others, devoid of purpose or ambition to create a healthy world is part of the problem not the solution. Same goes for women who ‘check out’ emotionally and build walls to hide behind only to find themselves wasting away in a prison of their own design. She is not saying for us to do that. What she is doing is making a… Read more »

Diane Kahl
Diane Kahl
Reply to  Karma

Beautifully written and a wonderful parable. Well done! Thank you from the bottom of this “people pleaser’s” heart! I almost died from people pleasing, literally. Two months in the hospital from becoming run down and people pleasing via volunteer work and “helping” too many organizations and individuals. Quite an epiphany while in the hospital, but pleasing is a lifetime habit and it creeps up easily!

This page hereby bookmarked!


I think the word keep in “keep him happy” is so dangerous because a person should be happy whether there’s someone special in their lives or not. If you have to “keep” a person happy then you will always be doing what you think is neccesary to keep them happy at the expense of not truly being happy yourself. That is a lose-lose situation for you both because what happens when you are not able to do the things required to “keep” someone happy? Then their true colors start to surface and you end up feeling unfulfilled, and needy because… Read more »

Alpha Woman
Alpha Woman

Very much needed and well-received reminders! This made me think about my frustrations this past weekend. I couldn’t figure out why my mood changed drastically while entertaining. I now realize that it was because the occurrences were not in the plans for my Saturday. Events quickly went from hanging out by the pool with one relative, to “entertaining” a group. We are all very close relatives; but I tend to over-extend myself for guests to my home (even if they invited themselves). I ended up buying and preparing more food, and organizing all that goes along with it. I chalked… Read more »

Reply to  Alpha Woman

Hey Alpha Woman, I want to thank you for being a gracious hostess. It’s not being nice, it’s good manners. I think it would have been better for you if someone had said thank you for your hospitality! Perhaps that was the problem?


I understood what you want to say Reene…..its like if we always try to please men they will take us for granted and will not respect us because pleasers are always available and sometimes do things…by compromising on their values and self respect, and if pleasers cannot respect themselves….no one could,whether friends,cousins,neighbours or your men in your life.


I want to ask is keeping him happy always bad what if the reason you want to keep him happy is because it makes you happy or because it satisfies you? Not because you fear loosing him or upsetting him…


Renee, Thanks so much for the article ! I too am a pleaser, and Codependent Deep rooted, as a result of living with a sever Narcisistic family and especially Mother. Drama Queens all around me , and many years I was programmed to listen to THEM, please THEM, do this that for THEM, you get the idea All the while constantly burying me underground. It takes a lot of time and effort for me to heal and become a better person, and fiind my OWN Voice and Identity So yes, as a result but also as my nature, I am… Read more »

Reply to  Kim

She is not suggesting that we be superficially self indulgent, shallow or to forsake giving or caring. Telling us to ‘give up’ or abandon our instinct to give, would be solving nothing. A woman who goes around using others, devoid of purpose or ambition to create a healthy world, is part of the problem not the solution. Same goes for women who ‘check out’ emotionally and build walls to hide behind only to find themselves wasting away in a prison of their own design. She is not saying for us to do that. What she is doing is making a… Read more »

Reply to  Kim

Get the book: How to not make yourself miserable about anything. Yes! Anything! Dr. Albert Ellis.


Renee, Thanks so much for the article ! I too am a pleaser, and Codependent Deep rooted, as a result of living with a sever Narcisistic family and especially Mother. Drama Queens all around me , and many years I was programmed to listen to THEM, please THEM, do this that for THEM, you get the idea All the while constantly burying me underground. It takes a lot of time and effort for me to heal and become a better person, and fiind my OWN Voice and Identity So yes, as a result but also as my nature, I am… Read more »

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