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Article updated 2018
If you have been dating a man for less than 6 months, then it is likely that you are still in the process of proving your value as a potential mate to each other, so you’ll need to be aware of how to maintain that high value if you truly love the man you are with.
High value. It’s the reason people try to play games, get plastic surgery, it’s the reason people try to be mysterious. Being mysterious and playing hard to get is really just an attempt to preserve our value as a mate. Because value matters. It’s everything when it comes to attracting the best mate you possibly can (men and women need to prove their value to each other).
Attracting the man for you is absolutely crucial as a woman, so even more reasons for you to maintain your high value. If you don’t give yourself the chance to explore what high value is in a man’s mind, there’s nothing wrong with that, but ultimately, the more we all ignore this idea of value and what it truly means in dating, the more likely we are to end up in a more painful place than we could have imagined. (There exactly 7 signs a woman is low value to men. Do you know what they are? Here are 7 Common Signs a Woman is Low Value in the Eyes of Men.)
Why do men pull away?
Men pull away for many different reasons, but what matters is whether you’re his one and only or the one of many woman. Men can pull away whether you are their ‘one of many’ or the one and only. However, usually, if you’re his ‘one and only’ woman, you will feel in your gut that he does care, even if him pulling away right now is scary and uncomfortable.
If you’re the ‘one of many’ woman, well, that makes things harder for you because in such a case, usually, there wasn’t enough emotional attraction and emotional connection to build a proper relationship and emotional commitment in the first place.
Sometimes, they pull away because even though they do LOVE you, that’s what they need to do as a man – see, men subconsciously know and feel, that relationship and closeness with you doesn’t make him more worthy as a provider. Emotional closeness doesn’t necessarily pay the bills or get sh*t done.
Relationships and emotional closeness can often feel more intuitive to us as women than it does for men. For men with a masculine core, it’s more intuitive to move towards a feeling of emptiness – something that brings back the equilibrium in his masculine core. The masculine energy (which we all have within us) generally seeks to feel empty, whereas the feminine seeks to fill up.
Can you feel how these two things could be in deep conflict with one another? As you already know, we all have both feminine and masculine energy within us. So you may also feel the need to be empty often yourself. However, men with a masculine core do seek to feel empty, and gravitate towards that.
So allow him that space for your own sake. With this space, you will get to at least not act desperate, and even explore your own feelings (which I’ll talk more about below). Allow him the space for now so at least you don’t have to go into desperation and feel controlling.
If You FEEL Scared and Desperate Inside…
So let’s say you are feeling desperate inside. Drafting text messages, too afraid to send them. Sitting there obsessing.
Or just sending abusive text messages.
Or Instagram and Facebook stalking him.
Or stalking him in real life.
You want to stop. But you are so IN it you just can’t stop.
WHY isn’t he making contact? WHY isn’t he responding?
Well, I’m here to tell you, that it is OK to stop. To stop right now. To just stop obsessing.
Sometimes the most high value thing you can do is to just let go of control, for now. Give yourself permission to let go of control and feel yourself and connect with yourself first. Because when we don’t feel ourselves – often we’re just avoiding the difficult emotions, and this causes us to be very tight, closed off, unbalanced and controlling.
This need to control things is the exact opposite of what the universe is asking you to do. Instead, sometimes you need to just surrender to your feelings. Surrender to what is hard – and do the work to connect with yourself by acknowledging exactly how vulnerable you feel. Own your feelings. Build a healthy, accepting intimate relationship with your own deepest, most vulnerable feelings (that you seek to avoid).
This will reduce the tension in your body and allow your body to relax and soften.
You see, sometimes, men – or your intimate relationship – can bring up the absolute WORST stuff inside you – stuff you didn’t even know you had inside you.
Getting invested in a man can bring out a scared, dark and lonely woman who you’re afraid to admit exists inside of you. But it’s really not just you. A lot of it is just normal stuff that happens to most women, because dating the opposite sex comes with emotions and risk. And these things can sometimes make us feel a little crazy. So, you are not alone. Many women before you have tragically felt the pain of a man who withdrew from her.
Many women have had bleeding hearts because they loved a man and he disappeared for good.
But at the same time, also remember that sometimes, we THINK he is pulling away, but he doesn’t actually feel like he’s pulling away. We just don’t feel secure in the relationship yet, so we feel vulnerable, and sometimes we can interpret his actions as a threat to our security. (And I’m about to help you figure out whether his pulling away/not calling you is more permanent or not, so tune in.)
First, get to an emotionally resourceful place
Whether your man is pulling away for good reasons (for example – to feel like himself, like a man again after being very emotionally close to you, or to do what he feels is the most important thing as a man), or because he’s not really interested, what matters is YOU. What matters is that YOU get to an emotionally resourceful place as soon as you can.
What matters is that you do your best to add value to yourself and connect with yourself and your feelings like we just discussed, so that you can show up high value, rather than low value. (Remember, showing up low value is a universal human experience, we’ve all done it in varying amounts, so please do not judge yourself or think this is bad…it is just a journey. And it’s OK to make mistakes and learn from them.)
The first step to getting to a more emotionally resourceful place is to first cleanse yourself of emotions you are not truly allowing yourself to feel.
It is OK to feel ANY of the following things when a man isn’t contacting you:
I want you to know that it is OK that you feel ANY of these things when a man pulls away, becomes distant and cold, and just goes quiet:
– Anger beyond belief
– Feel like screaming at the sky (not a bad idea)
– Like your heart is being smashed in to pieces.
It’s all OK to feel. Becoming invested in a man is serious business and if it goes wrong, it true that it can hurt like hell. It’s just not okay to unleash your hatred and anger AT him or other people, as if your pain is their fault (again, this is a way of avoiding your true vulnerability). Anything is OK to feel, just not to unleash. And if you do unleash, keep in mind that that would be abuse.
It IS possible to feel anger and hurt and jealousy around a man, as long as it is truly JUST feeling because you’re feeling, and not because you’re hurling your feelings at him to hurt him.
It’s OK to feel many things around a man if it comes down to that, as long as you don’t close off, and you remain connected to his heart and your own. But that takes a lot of practice. And if you have any pent up anger form the past that is now simmering resentment…you’re probably not going to be able to express anger from a place of love and heart-connectedness until you’ve dumped the “waste” product that is old pent up anger.
Here’s What Steps to Take to Maintain High Value:
1) Start retreating to somewhere quiet and safe, and feel EVERYTHING.
Once you’ve spent days, maybe weeks, just taking certainty in feeling everything (and connecting to yourself this way), you are able to ward off the stress and tension you built up and able to relax more in to who you really are – love. A feminine woman who feels a little more balanced and at peace.
Ultimately, what you are looking for when a man isn’t in close contact with you is a feeling of safety and certainty. We need to MEET that need for certainty, by getting you to retreat to somewhere safe to feel everything. Your feelings are your friend in this scenario. This will replace other so called low value behaviours for now. It will give you the strength and the base for building higher value within yourself.
Obsessive behaviour and low value behaviour happens when you still have residue feelings from the past that haven’t gotten out. Obsessing over him in ANY way is simply a way of blocking out the feelings.
You won’t deny that as a woman, it’s absolute ecstasy to be able to feel ANYTHING you want, and not be made wrong for doing so, right?
So if that’s true, then you need to muster the courage to provide yourself a safe place to feel.
– in a hot bath
– a hot shower
– a cold shower (very good for removing your masks if you breathe through all the tension and relax your muscles)
– in a dark, quiet room with a teddy
– under the covers.
– with a trusted parent or family member.
It’s almost as if when a man doesn’t turn out to be the man we wished for, that it’s not OK for us to acknowledge our investment in him and actually FEEL the feelings. Well, let me suggest to you right now that it IS OK to feel.
Sometimes, instead, we make him wrong because we’re angry that we got “humiliated” by getting involved and he didn’t reciprocate that depth that we yearned for.
Well, it is not humiliating to have been involved, and it is not stupid to have feelings over someone who doesn’t care about you, because by labeling it stupid, we don’t learn the lesson it is here to teach. I don’t believe in that popular quote: “never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about You”. To me, that feels like total BS. It just fosters more ignorance of our own feelings and encourages more blocking out of feelings.
That’s too superficial. The reality is, there’s a chance that you’re not hurt by this MAN directly anyway. Your hurt very well could be residue from your past. And that needs to get out. You need to be present with your feelings before you can become more balanced in this relationship situation.
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
The certainty you seek by obsessing over him is a need that can be met through valuing feeling your feelings. Your feelings are here to serve you!
Don’t burden yourself or your relationships with what is residue from your past pains and betrayals. Do your very best to have the courage to feel unfelt anger and hurt from your past.
2) Go back to a moment in your past where you felt infinitely beautiful.
Think back to a moment where you felt infinitely beautiful. Maybe you were a little girl, dancing around the garden in a dress. Maybe someone you love embraced you lovingly and called you ‘beautiful’. Go to that memory, and really visualise it and hold it close. Let the beauty and the freedom of this memory melt into every cell in your body, reminding you or your true worth and value.
Let the memory nurture your heart. Let it touch the deepest place in your heart, the place you feel the deepest yearning for love and attachment.
That beauty is who you truly are. You have plenty of radiant and alive energy to give to any man you bloody well wish. You may have just forgot you had it.
Every time you feel the fear and the tension of ‘where is he?’ ‘why isn’t he calling?’ ‘why doesn’t he do what he says he will?’ – go right back to the beauty and aliveness that you were before you got hurt for the very first time in love.
This is internal resources. Draw from the good memories. Don’t discard them or forget them. Draw from them to melt the fear in your body. Fear doesn’t always serve you in relationships, even though your internal patterns have convinced you that fear is good.
What I would like you to see is that when you are full of the radiance and love that you already are, you will automatically approach situations in a more high value way, because you will feel ENOUGH.
Because in THAT place, you are not in desperation. You are not dragged down by the burden of anxiety. And so, you’ll see and feel men’s true motivations more clearly, because you’ll have more space to do so.
3) Identify whether you are the ‘one and only’ or the ‘one of many’ woman.
There’s nothing more important than this. You see, men subconsciously categorise the women they meet into two categories. The ‘one and only’ type of woman, or the ‘one of many’ woman. This is an idea that we gleamed from researching into men’s two different reproductive strategies (and women also have their own two different reproductive strategies).
How men treat the women in these two baskets is like night and day.
Sometimes it can be difficult to accept, but if we were truly are his ‘one of many’ woman, then it’s going to be hard to get him to text or call for anything other than easy sex or easy companionship. And it’s going to be hard to get him back again, because the ship to being the ‘one and only’ has already sailed.
As painful as this can be for all of us as women, the truth is that at some point, you’ll rise above the pain, and realise that next time, you’ll know that if you truly want a commitment from men (any man you wish), your job is to show up as the one and only rather than the one of many.
This is why I made my FREE DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only”. And right now, you can have it for free. Yes, I’m serious. To get your copy, head over to www.bhoodvd.com. I made this to help women everywhere to not fall into the trap of the one of many kind of woman – because it is incredibly easy to do so in this politically correct world.
Unfortunately, what you already know inside is true: To be the one and only requires that you appeal to a man’s emotions, and build emotional attraction and emotional connection, rather than let short-term gratification and sex shortcut that very natural, valuable and organic process.
So my question to you is – what does your gut instinct say? Do you feel like you are this man’s one and only? Or are you more likely his one of many? How committed is he to you emotionally? Do you feel that HE feels a deep and inseparable bond with you, his one and only woman? Not you, but him? Does HE feel it?
As a woman, you’re naturally very intuitive and very smart, and if you don’t let your thoughts and fears and justifications interfere, your gut intuition will tell you the truth. It’s usually the first feeling that comes. It comes pretty quick, it’s fleeting and easy to ignore, and it’s near your tummy/gut, and it’s the message you feel before your mind starts analysing and talking.
If you feel like you’re the one and only, then all you need to do is to now is feel through your emotions, so that you can grieve. There’s so much to grieve in this lifetime, even though we usually like to avoid that process. Once you’ve grieved, you will feel more empty and less likely to act out and deliberately try to punish him or hurt him and hurt yourself.
Then, your job is to appreciate yourself, appreciate your body and your emotions for trying to protect you. And then, appreciate him. Appreciate him being who he is – appreciate him for being a man, for doing the best for himself (and possibly you, too!), and appreciate the lessons he is here to teach you. Usually, couples can get through these painful periods and you can too. And then your final step is to move onto step 4 (below).
What if you’re the one of many? Well, Your job will still be to feel and to grieve. Except that for you, you may need to acknowledge that he won’t care much for you beyond sex. Next time, your job is to do the very best for yourself, by showing up as the one and only right from the start (because men will categorise you very quickly and subconsciously).
There’s no other way to get into the deeply committed relationship you want. Don’t short-cut the process of building and experiencing emotional attraction and emotional connection with men. Look to develop connection with men – and trust in the process of simply connecting.
If you’re the one of many, should you reach out to him? Should you try to build attraction and connection? You could, in theory. But you have a hard job ahead of you. And it’s very hard to change the basket you were subconsciously placed into. Men commit deeply to their one and only, and often give crumbs to their one of many. I wish it were different, but it’s not. And so to win this game of dating – it’s best to know men’s minds more than they do their own. Get a copy of my FREE DVD while you can.
If you would like to go deeper and learn more, and find out tests you can use to see if your man is committed to you, then I have exactly 4 tests you can use in the platinum version of my DVD “Becoming His One & Only”. For now, trust your gut instinct. It is there for a reason and it is there to serve you.
4) Use Push and pull strategies to re-build attraction.
If you’re pretty sure that you’re his one and only, then when he does contact you, to be high value you can do so by using a concept I call ‘Push and Pull’ in my program, Commitment Control.
It is a way of showing that you are high value.
I’ll give you a quick example of what to say:
“You know what I love about you?”
You say: “Absolutely nothing!”
This Push and Pull strategy is meant to be playful, and it automatically begins the process of showing up as high value because you have the courage to engage in playful banter (what we call high value banter).
See, when we feel desperate and lonely, we CANNOT say something like this one I just gave you above.
And when we feel desperate and lonely, we say and do funny things and we sometimes run a higher risk of acting low value.
One final thing you can do…
Consider reading my guide called “How to Stay High Value when he pulls Away”.
If it feels to you like he is distant, and you still want to reach out to him and not give up and maybe get some CLOSURE, then I have some safe strategies to use that make you show up as high value without losing anything. I have a guide called “How to Stay High Value when he pulls Away”.
You can learn how to stay high value when he pulls away right here. I’ve gone through all the common situations in which men pull away from you as a woman, and given you guidance on what you can do, and how to stay high value.
If you’ve been dating regularly for longer than 6 months, and want to know why he pulls away and doesn’t contact you, try my article Why he Pulls Away when You Need him the Most and Why Men Pull Away & How to Deal with it as a High Value Woman.
P.S. Connect with me on social media
Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
- Here’s The Feminine Woman Facebook page…
- Here’s my Instagram Pages TheFeminineWoman & My Personal Instagram.
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