If you feel anxious and lonely when he doesn’t call or text, then use the 4 steps I’ll cover in this article to reclaim your sanity.
If you have been dating a man for less than 6 months, then it is likely that you are still in the process of proving your value as a potential mate to each other.
(In fact, this “proving stage” can last for many years!)
Therefore you’ll need to be aware of how to maintain that high value if you truly love the man you are with, even when he’s pulled away.
If you don’t give yourself the chance to explore these 4 steps when he doesn’t call, then you’ll be missing an opportunity to build and establish your value.
The more we all ignore this idea of value and what it truly means in dating, the more likely we are to end up in a more painful place. (There exactly 7 signs a woman is low value to men. Do you know what they are? CLICK HERE to learn the 7 Common Signs a Woman is Low Value in the Eyes of Men.)
Why doesn’t he call me?
Why won’t he call you?
It could be a few reasons.
He could just be a guy, who really hates talking on the phone. Some men don’t feel as comfortable with simply auditory forms of communication.
A lot more men are like this than we realise. Men have a tendency to be more visual than auditory, since solving modern day problems require his vision much more so than his auditory senses.
Perhaps he doesn’t understand why calling you is even important!
Here’s a video I made on this topic “4 Steps to Maintain High Value When He Doesn’t Call or Text”…
Perhaps he’s pulled away…
(If you have followed my work, you’d know that men subconscsiouly categorize women into either one of two baskets. How he treats the women in these baskets are like night and day.)
Here’s the thing to understand, men can pull away whether you are in the ‘one of many’ basket, or the one and only woman basket.
However, usually if you’re his ‘one and only’ woman, you will feel in your gut that he does care, even if him not calling you right now is scary and uncomfortable.
If you’re the ‘one of many’ woman, well, that makes things much harder for you.
This is due to the fact that in such a case, usually, there wasn’t enough emotional attraction and emotional connection.
When there’s not enough of these two critical elements, then there’s nothing available to build a proper relationship. Nor is there anything foundation on which to build an emotional commitment in the first place.
Have negative associations built up in your relationship?
He could not be calling you because the attraction and connection have faded, and eroded the great feelings that were once in the relationship.
Sometimes, if enough negative things happen (leading to negative associations piling on top of each other), it wears away at the connection. When the connection wears away, the relationship just isn’t worth much anymore to anyone.
This can often happen without too many “negative” events occurring in your relationship. Sometimes being bored in a relationship can allow negative associations to build up.
This is why it’s always important for you to stay attuned, “check in” and notice the state of your relationship from time to time.
Sometimes he doesn’t call because he needs to find his equilibrium
Sometimes, your man will not call you or pull away because even though he does LOVE you, that’s what he needs to do as a man.
See, men subconsciously know and feel, that relationship and closeness with you doesn’t make him more worthy as a provider. Emotional closeness doesn’t necessarily pay the bills or get sh*t done.
Relationships and emotional closeness can often feel more intuitive to us as women than it does for men.
For men with a masculine core, it’s more intuitive to move towards a feeling of emptiness. That emptiness is something that brings back the equilibrium in his masculine core.
The masculine energy generally seeks to feel empty, whereas the feminine seeks to fill up.
(This is why you as a woman love to connect, call, chat and bond!)
Can you feel how these two differences between the masculine and feminine energy could be in deep conflict with one another?
Remember also when he doesn’t call, that men and women have very different relationship timelines.
As you may know, we all have both feminine and masculine energy within us. So you may also feel the need to be ’empty’ sometimes yourself. However, men with a masculine core do seek to feel empty, and gravitate towards that.
For your own sanity, allow him that space first…
So allow him that space for your own sake first and foremost.
With this space, you will get to at least not act desperate, and even explore your own feelings (which I’ll talk more about below).
Allow him the space for now so at least you don’t have to go into desperation and feel controlling.
This doesn’t mean you have to let him go.
Yes, it may mean you have to feel very uncomfortable, just for now. But I’m here to help you feel better with the 4 steps to take when he doesn’t call.
If You FEEL Scared and Desperate Inside…
So let’s say you are feeling desperate inside. You’re drafting text messages, too afraid to send them. Sitting there obsessing.
Or just sending abusive text messages.
Or Instagram and Facebook stalking him.
Or stalking him in real life.
You want to stop. But you are so IN it you just can’t stop.
WHY doesn’t he call? Why isn’t he making contact? WHY isn’t he responding?
Well, I’m here to tell you, that it is OK to stop. To stop right now. To just stop obsessing. You have my permission!
Relinquish control & stop obsessing
We are about to get into 4 steps of what to do when he doesn’t call.
However, I wanted to quickly help you establish the right mindset first and to feel more resourceful.
Sometimes the most high value thing you can do is to just let go of control, for now.
Give yourself permission to let go of control and feel yourself and connect with yourself first. Because when we don’t feel ourselves – often we’re just avoiding the difficult emotions.
This causes us to be very tight, closed off, unbalanced and controlling.
This need to control things is the exact opposite of what the universe is asking you to do.
Instead, sometimes you need to just surrender to your feelings. Surrender to what is hard – and do the work to connect with yourself by acknowledging exactly how vulnerable you feel.
Own your feelings. Build a healthy, accepting intimate relationship with your own deepest, most vulnerable feelings (that you seek to avoid).
This will reduce the tension in your body and allow your body to relax and soften.
Getting involved with a man can bring up the darkest stuff inside of you
You see, sometimes, men – or your intimate relationship – can bring up the absolute WORST stuff inside of you. Stuff you didn’t even know you had inside you.
Getting invested in a man can bring out a scared, dark and lonely woman who you’re afraid to admit exists inside of you.
But it’s really not just you. A lot of it is just normal stuff that happens to most of us women, because dating the opposite sex comes with emotions and risk.
And these things can sometimes make us feel a little crazy. So, you are not alone. Many women before you have tragically felt the pain of a man who withdrew from her.
Many women have had bleeding hearts because they loved a man and he disappeared for good.
But at the same time, also remember that sometimes, we THINK he is pulling away, but he doesn’t actually feel like he’s pulling away.
We just don’t feel secure in the relationship yet. So we feel vulnerable, and sometimes we can interpret his actions as a threat to our security.
(…And I’m about to help you figure out whether he’s pulling away/not calling you is more permanent or not, so tune in.)
What to do when he doesn’t call: First, get to an emotionally resourceful place
I cannot emphasise this enough…
Always get yourself to an emotional resourceful place.
Whether your man is pulling away for good reasons (for example – to feel like himself, to feel like a man again after being emotionally close to you, or to do what he feels is the most important thing as a man), or because he’s not really interested, what matters is YOU.
What matters is that YOU get to an emotionally resourceful place as soon as you can.
This is what you must do before you take the 4 steps on what to do when he doesn’t call.
What matters is that you do your best to add value to yourself and connect with yourself and your feelings like we just discussed (above).
This is so that you can show up high value, rather than low value.
(Remember, showing up low value is a universal human experience, we’ve all done it in varying amounts. So please, do not judge yourself or think this is bad…it is just a journey. And it’s OK to make mistakes and learn from them.)
The first step to getting to a more emotionally resourceful place is to first cleanse yourself of emotions you are not truly allowing yourself to feel.
It is OK to feel ANY of the following things when a he doesn’t call:
I want you to know that it is OK that you feel ANY of these things when a man pulls away, becomes distant and cold, and just goes quiet:
- Anger beyond belief
- Feel like screaming at the sky (not a bad idea)
- Like your heart is being smashed in to pieces.
It’s all OK to feel. Becoming invested in a man is serious business and if it goes wrong, it true that it can hurt like hell.
It’s just not okay to unleash your hatred and anger AT him or other people, as if your pain is their fault (again, this is a way of avoiding your true vulnerability).
Anything is OK to feel, just not to unleash on others. And if you do unleash, keep in mind that that would be abuse.
It IS possible to feel anger and hurt and jealousy around a man, as long as it is truly JUST feeling because you’re feeling, and not because you’re hurling your feelings at him to hurt him.
It’s OK to feel many things around a man if it comes down to that. As long as you don’t close off, and you remain connected to his heart and your own.
But that takes a lot of practice. And if you have any pent up anger from the past that is now simmering resentment, you’re probably not going to be able to express anger from a place of love and heart-connectedness.
At least not until you’ve dumped the residual “waste” product that is old pent up anger.
So here are 4 steps to take when he doesn’t call…
Step 1 – Start retreating to somewhere quiet and safe, and feel EVERYTHING.
Once you’ve spent days, maybe weeks, just taking certainty in feeling everything (and connecting to yourself this way), you are able to ward off the stress and tension that have built up.
This will make you able to relax more in to who you really are – love. A feminine and radiant woman who feels a little more balanced and at peace.
Ultimately, what you are looking for when a man isn’t in close contact with you is a feeling of safety and certainty. As such, we need to MEET that need for certainty, by getting you to retreat to somewhere safe to feel everything.
Your feelings are your friend in this scenario. This will replace other so called low value behaviours for now. It will give you the strength and the base for building higher value within yourself.
Obsessive behaviour and low value behaviour happens when you still have residue feelings from the past that haven’t gotten out. Obsessing over him in ANY way is simply a way of blocking out the feelings.
As a woman, it’s ecstasy to be able to feel everything
You won’t deny that as a woman, it’s absolute ecstasy to be able to feel ANYTHING you want, and not be made wrong for doing so, right?
So if that’s true, then you need to muster the courage to provide yourself a safe place to feel.
- in a hot bath
- a hot shower
- a cold shower (very good for removing your masks if you breathe through all the tension and relax your muscles)
- in a dark, quiet room with a teddy
- under the covers.
- with a trusted parent or family member.
Sometimes, it’s almost as if when a man doesn’t turn out to be the man we wished for, that it’s not OK for us to acknowledge our investment in him and actually FEEL the feelings.
Well, let me suggest to you right now that it IS OK to feel. You got invested. You got attached. And it’s ok.
Sometimes, instead of acknowledging that, we make him wrong. We do that because we’re angry that we got “humiliated” by getting involved, and he didn’t reciprocate the depth that we yearned for.
Well, it is not humiliating to have been involved.
And it is not stupid to have feelings over someone who doesn’t care about you. By labelling it stupid, we don’t learn the lesson it is here to teach.
Remember, the feelings you have may not even be directly related to HIM
The reality is, there’s a chance that you’re not hurt by this MAN directly anyway.
Your hurt could very well be residue from your past. And that needs to get out. You need to be present with your feelings before you can become more balanced in this relationship situation.
The certainty you seek by obsessing over him is a need that can be met through valuing feeling your feelings. Your feelings are here to serve you!
Don’t burden yourself or your relationships with what is residue from your past pains and betrayals.
Do your very best to have the courage to feel unfelt anger and hurt from your past.
(By the way, I’ve just published my new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!” Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
Step 2 – Go back to a moment in your past where you felt infinitely beautiful.
Think back to a moment where you felt infinitely beautiful.
Maybe you were a little girl, dancing around the garden in a dress.
Maybe someone you love embraced you lovingly and called you ‘beautiful’.
Go to that memory, and really visualise it and hold it close. Let the beauty and the freedom of this memory melt into every cell in your body, reminding you or your true worth and value.
Let the memory nurture your heart. Let it touch the deepest place in your heart, the place you feel the deepest yearning for love and attachment.
That beauty is who you truly are. You have plenty of radiant and alive energy to give to any man you bloody well wish.
You may have just forgot you had it.
Every time you feel the fear and the tension of ‘where is he?’ ‘why doesn’t he call?’ ‘why doesn’t he do what he says he will?’ – go right back to the beauty and aliveness that you were before you got hurt for the very first time in love.
This is internal resources.
Draw from the good memories. Don’t discard them or forget them. Draw from them to melt the fear in your body. Fear can serve you, but it doesn’t always serve you in relationships, even though your internal patterns have convinced you that fear is good.
What I would like you to see is that when you are full of the radiance and love that you already are, you will automatically approach situations in a more high value way, because you will feel ENOUGH.
Because in THAT place, you are not in desperation.
You are not dragged down by the burden of anxiety. And so, you’ll see and feel men’s true motivations more clearly, because you’ll have more space to do so.
Step 3 – Identify whether you are the ‘one and only’ or the ‘one of many’ woman.
There’s nothing more important than this.
You see, men subconsciously categorise the women they meet into two categories.
The ‘one and only’ type of woman, or the ‘one of many’ woman. This is framework that my husband and I coined after learning about the reproductive strategies of men.
How men treat the women in these two baskets is like night and day.
Sometimes it can be difficult to accept, but if we were truly are his ‘one of many’ woman, then it’s going to be hard to get him to call you or text you for anything other than easy sex or easy companionship.
And it’s going to be hard to get him back again, because the ship to being the ‘one and only’ has already sailed.
As painful as this can be for all of us as women, the truth is that at some point, you’ll rise above the pain.
You’ll realise that next time, you’ll know that if you truly want a commitment from men (any man you wish), your job is to show up as the one and only rather than the one of many.
I made this program to help women everywhere to not fall into the trap of the one of many kind of woman – because it is incredibly easy to do so in this politically correct world.
Unfortunately, what you already know inside is true: To be the one and only requires that you appeal to a man’s emotions. To do this, you must build emotional attraction and emotional connection.
These things are what matter, and they matter much more than letting short-term gratification and casual sex shortcut that very natural and organic process.
Do you feel like you are ‘the one & only’ for this man?
So my question to you is – what does your gut instinct say?
Do you feel like you are this man’s one and only?
Or are you more likely his one of many? How committed is he to you emotionally?
Do you feel that HE feels a deep and inseparable bond with you, his one and only woman? Not you, but him? Does HE feel it?
As a woman, you’re naturally very intuitive and very smart, and if you don’t let your thoughts and fears and justifications interfere, your gut intuition will tell you the truth.
It’s usually the first feeling that comes. It comes pretty quick, it’s fleeting and easy to ignore, and it’s near your tummy/gut, and it’s the message you feel before your mind starts analysing and talking.
If you feel like you’re the one and only, then all you need to do is to now is feel through your emotions, so that you can grieve.
There’s so much to grieve in this lifetime, even though we usually like to avoid that process. Once you’ve grieved, you will feel more empty and less likely to act out and deliberately try to punish him or hurt him and hurt yourself.
Find something you appreciate about yourself (or him)
Then, your job is to appreciate yourself, appreciate your body and your emotions for trying to protect you.
And then, appreciate him. Appreciate him being who he is. Appreciate him for being a man, for teaching you lessons, even for showing you things you couldn’t see before.
And appreciate him for doing the best for himself (and possibly you, too!).
Usually, couples that are strong – relationships that were build on a solid foundation -can get through these painful periods.
But if the relationship isn’t (or was never) strong enough to withstand this challenge, that’s ok. All you can do is grieve.
If it isn’t meant to be, you must grieve
Your final step is to move onto step 4 (below). But before you do that, you may wonder what if you’re the one of many?
Well, Your job will still be to feel and to grieve. Except that for you, you may need to acknowledge that he won’t care much for you beyond sex.
Next time, your job is to do the very best for yourself, by showing up as the one and only right from the start (because men will categorise you very quickly and subconsciously).
If you’re the one of many, should you reach out to him? Should you try to build attraction and connection?
You could, in theory. But you have a hard job ahead of you. And it’s very hard to change the basket you were subconsciously placed into.
I wish it were different, but it’s not. And so to win this game of dating – it’s best to know men’s minds more than they do their own.
If you would like to go deeper and use some tests on your man to see if he is committed to you, then I have exactly 4 tests you can use in the platinum version of my program “Becoming His One & Only”.
For now, trust your gut instinct. It is there for a reason and it is there to serve you.
Step 4 – Use Push and pull strategies to re-build attraction.
If you’re sure that you’re his one and only, then you can use the concept of ‘Push and Pull’ when he does contact you again.
We talk a lot about the concept of push and pull in our programs, including our flagship program Commitment Control.
It is a way of showing that you are high value.
I’ll give you a quick example of what to say:
“You know what I love about you?”
You say: “Absolutely nothing!”
For all those serious women out there, relax. This Push and Pull strategy is meant to be playful.
Not every seemingly negative statement has to have contempt behind it.
This is part of learning to be high value and engage in high value banter!
See, when we feel desperate and lonely, we CANNOT say something like this one line I just gave you above. Because you’d be too afraid to offend or lose someone.
And when we feel desperate and lonely, we say and do funny things and we sometimes run a higher risk of acting low value.
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
How do you stay high value when he pulls away?
One final thing you should do…
Consider reading my definitive guide on “How to Stay High Value When He Pulls Away”.
If it feels to you like he is distant, and you still want to reach out to him and not give up or maybe get some CLOSURE, then I have something for you.
I have some safe strategies to use that make you show up as high value without losing anything.
This is the definitive guide on how you as a woman can stay high value when your man has pulled away for any reason or no particular reason.
As always, sending you love wherever you are!
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.