How to Talk to a Man in a Way that Won’t Make him Pull Away and Go Cold

Have you ever gotten involved with a man, and 1, 2, 3 or more months down the track, you just couldn’t help asking him where the relationship is going?

Maybe you got involved with him sexually, and he kept coming close and then pushing you away.

Well, if you’ve tried to voice your feelings and be honest with a man only to feel like he just disappeared, it’s not your fault.

And no, it’s NOT needy to have the desire to know where the relationship is going.

How to Talk to a Man in a Way that Won't Make him Pull Away and Go Cold

Why It’s OK to Want Security

It’s what you naturally want as a woman. Just like men try to push for sex, and they naturally want sex, you want to know where on earth a relationship is going! You want security.

And, there’s a good reason. If you, as a woman, didn’t look for security in some way, then how would you and your children be protected and safe?

Our ancestors needed security for us to be here today. They sure sought it out, and that biological NEED for a woman to seek out security is still there within you.

So there’s nothing wrong with it!

Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 8 Question Quiz!

Men and Women Don’t “Communicate” Very Well

Only, here’s the only problem with getting that: men and women don’t “communicate” very well. That makes expressing your feelings and needs to a man difficult.

I’m absolutely sure you know what I’m talking about.

You’ll go ahead, be totally honest about something you feel, and tell him what you feel. And some moments, he’ll look at you with a blank face, not even acknowledging what you said. Silence.

This is hard! And the more blank and quiet he IS – the more your heart beats faster, the more angry and scared you get. And then what happens? You keep talking, because HE isn’t talking!

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

Did He Not Hear You? Does He Not Get It? Why Can’t He Say Anything Back to Me!?

At that point, you’re probably thinking inside your head “OK I obviously haven’t explained myself properly and he doesn’t understand what I’m saying.

So I better explain it in a better way until he GETS it!” and so you keep talking some more – right?

And being the man that he is, he will often respond to you with truths and solutions. Because his masculine soul is built for problem solving, not feeling through and resonating with feelings.

(This doesn’t mean he cannot resonate with feelings, he can! It just means he has this bias in communication.)

Constantly talking until a man understands is a natural desire of women, but rarely works in creating a deep bond with your man.

A good example of this is in the movie ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’ where Julianne Moore is trying to tell Steve Carrell that she cheated on him and he doesn’t say anything, so she screams “why aren’t you saying anything!

You know that only makes me talk more!” and he responds by throwing himself out of the car.

So, even though talking more about your feelings makes you think this will help him “GET” you – this is FEMININE Logic.

CLICK HERE to discover how much you truly live in your feminine energy with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

When you actually do this, he just shuts down even more. And it’s NOT because you did the wrong thing.

You can only make a mistake, which is very different to doing the wrong thing), so it’s not because you are flawed (you can’t be flawed,  that’s impossible!), it’s because he is a man.

No matter how much of an asshole he is – no matter how COLD that look on his face is, it still is not because you have done the wrong thing or because he hates you. He’s just a MAN. Something you are not. And never will be (sorry to disappoint) 😉

He is built for a totally different thing than you are as a woman, even though you are both human.

You already know this, intuitively. It’s time to start acting on it.

How To Talk So He Will Listen To You

So what I have for you today is one of my best kept secrets of making a man relax and stop everything he’s doing and listen to you.

Most of my best stuff is kept for members of my programs as it’s taken me literally months, even years of trial and error to get a hold of this knowledge.

But, I know it’s important for you to feel like you can express your feelings without feeling like he’s going to get angry at you.

So I’m about to share this strategy with you, and hope that unlike most women, you have the courage to put it in to practice.

It’s only a small thing, but most women wouldn’t do it, because they’re too selfish and blinded by their own false ideas of what a man SHOULD be like.

I’ve kept this strategy with me for so long because I wanted to get it tested, and I use it myself (I never give you advice I don’t use and have not tested myself) and so do all my close girlfriends with their man, and it works wonders.

how to stay high value

YES, there IS a way to communicate your feelings without pushing him away

To do this though, you first have to realise one thing about communicating to your boyfriend:

He is most likely going to feel BLAMED and CRITICIZED even during the times when you are not blaming him or criticizing him.

Expect that he will feel like pulling away from you and that he will feel criticized at least 3 out of 4 times you try to communicate with him.

This is not your fault. It’s just the result of the value differences between men and women in the dating stages.

Until you prove to him that you are not a perpetual value extractor like other women and you won’t BLAME him, most men will shut down when you try to “have a talk”.

Here’s an article on Why Men Pull Away & How To Deal With It As A High Value Woman.

So, the fact that he will feel like you’re complaining, or that he will feel criticized, become defensive or feel blamed is the rule, rather than the exception.

Your best bet is to understand it, and expect it. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because of the way you, as a woman, communicate.

He doesn’t communicate the way you do, so even though you’re making sense in your own head, and you feel innocent, he doesn’t quite get it.

So, remember that as a rule. It’s as true as 1 + 1 = 2.

Any man who has ever had any kind of a relationship with a member of the female species in the past will naturally feel blamed and start to pull away when you try to bring something up about your relationship, UNLESS you do what I’m about to show you.

That’s WHY it’s so hard to communicate your feelings to men. Because they hear your words and feel that you are complaining, or criticizing, or blaming.

When all you’re trying to do is hope that he would take a moment to just understand you as a woman!

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

And the worst thing is – the more you genuinely try to express yourself, and he doesn’t understand, the more emotional you get.

I’ve done this so many times and ended up bursting in to tears just because I wasn’t trying to do anything BUT express myself to him, hoping he would understand.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way with men.

I learned that enough times through seeing my husband’s face go blank and *seemingly* cold and seeing him walk away after I innocently tried to express my “needs” to him. (read my article about the fastest way to push a man away)

This kept happening until I discovered this simple sentence to say to my man.

So, knowing all this, how do you go ahead, express your feelings and needs in a way that he would be more than willing to hear you?

This is what I want you to do:

BEFORE you say anything at ALL to him…Say this

…Stop yourself,  and say this simple sentence first:

“Hey, it’s not your fault, and I’m not blaming you, because nothing is EVER your fault.”

This disarms him first.

And then you go on to say something like this…

But because I respect you, I feel it’s important to let you know that I feel [insert authentic feelings ie: anger, scared, fearful, hurt, sad, out of control]”.

He can relax and feel that YOU understand HIM first. You are meeting him where he is at, as a man.

You’re effectively getting inside his mind without him knowing, and saying what he needs to hear from you before you go ahead and share your feelings.

And, if you do this in a genuine way, he will return your gesture by being willing to understand you, too.

As I say in my program Understanding Men: understanding a man first is one of the quickest ways to stop wasting precious time and youthful years.

Smart women seek to appreciate and understand men first. As this is the way to get men to line up outside your door, waiting to date you.

And you can bet your knickers that your girlfriends do not understand men as well as you do after you take the program.

So here’s the catch to using my sentence. Don’t USE that line as a justification for actually going ahead and blaming him.

Don’t point the finger. Don’t sell yourself short like that. You are a woman of high value, so don’t DO that!

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

HE is never to be Blamed, and you are never to be Blamed

By the way: is it true that nothing is ever his fault? Of course it is.

And you truly have to believe that with your soul. Just like nothing is ever YOUR FAULT either.

If that sounds weird…I know how you feel. After all, you may have felt so blamed for so much, growing up. And not to mention how much at fault you feel for your past relationships going wrong.

But think about how FREEING it is to no longer have to blame anyone – most importantly yourself. If you can’t not blame anyone, at least start by not blaming yourself.

See, this is what I believe, without a doubt in my soul:

Nothing is ever my man’s fault. Nothing is ever MY FAULT.

Making someone at fault is to tie them up with chains, because you’re trying to control them and push them in to a corner.

Do you really want to do that to a man? Or to yourself?

This doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility – not at all. You should always take responsibility.

But by responsibility, I mean CARING for your man, and caring for yourself. That’s what responsibility is. It’s caring.

But blaming? Blaming someone and saying someone is at fault is just a lie.

Would you deliberately accuse yourself of committing a crime that you never committed?


That’s right, so don’t lie and blame yourself or a man. Make it a policy that there is no pointing fingers, or at yours.

It just pushes him away.

It’s only a way to make yourself feel secure when you feel like you are not good enough inside.

Related: Do I Push Men Away? Signs You Push People Away & How To Stop.

When I was much younger, I used to blame other people. Until later on I realised…

1) I was actually a miserable, angry wreck by doing that; and

2) I was lying to myself. Thinking it was everyone’s responsibility to make me feel better.

That rarely ever comes. And if it did, if someone did take it upon themselves to make me feel better, I wouldn’t feel good anyway. It’d last 5 minutes and then I’d be back to my miserable, blaming self.

Because it was a pattern of blaming that came from me feeling not enough deep down inside.

Anyway, back to my point…

You can’t claim to LOVE someone and blame them.


Just like Nelson Mandela said: “Blame is drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to Die.”

Coming from a man who came out of prison, being falsely imprisoned for 27 YEARS. If he can say that, if he can have that viewpoint after everything he went through, so can you.

After all, you probably haven’t had people come along and falsely imprison you.

So there’s another thing about this.

You have to believe what you’re saying.

Don’t get up after reading this article and go: “oh YES! A way to trick him in to listening to me talk about everything bad he has done!”

Don’t do that.

Don’t search your memory bank for all the things he should not have done.

What you should do is express what you’re actually feeling. Which is usually something like anger, hurt, sadness, guilt, lonely and scared.

Here’s an article I wrote that will help you with this: How To Be Vulnerable Without Being NEEDY.

If you stop for a minute and think, you’ll realise that is the truth of it all.

It doesn’t matter how much he has hurt you or how much you have hurt him. The truth still lies in your actual feelings at the moment.

Anger is anger. Fear is fear. (read my article about fear of being alone)

What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…

CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!

What to Say to Him Next…

A word of warning when you say this simple sentence to him:

When you do this, it’s possible that he will do something that frustrates you. Something like this:

Which is, offer suggestions of what you can DO, even  after you’ve expressed that you’re simply feeling scared or lonely.

For example, if you say: “I feel lonely”, and he says something insensitive along the lines of:

“Well, why don’t you just call your best friend Sally?”

Or “Why don’t you go out and make some new friends?”

If he does that, say this (again, in a genuine way, no not say it if you don’t truly believe it. Wait until you really feel it inside before you say it. You’ll be pleased with yourself if you do.)

“Thanks, I love that you’re so willing to go out of your way to help me – but you know, there’s actually nothing to be fixed here. It’s just my feelings as they are, and my feelings will pass as quickly as they came. I know that sounds crazy, maybe it’s just because I’m a woman and we’re naturally crazy, but there’s actually nothing to be fixed right now.”

This might make him laugh or smile.

It might mean he’ll look at you with this confused look on his face. Whatever it is, at least you get to feel more in control of your communications with him.

By the way, if you think your man might be emotionally unavailable, here’s a guide I wrote on emotionally unavailable men. You can read it here.

Tired of misunderstanding with your man?

So go ahead, and use what I just suggested to you, and also let me know how you go!

By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only.

Also! Share your thoughts on this article with me below. I look forward to hearing from you. 

renee wade what to do when he doesn't call

P.S. If you liked this article, CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.

If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.

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Cynthia Abert
Cynthia Abert

Women are naturally crazy? You had me up until that comment.


So insightful! I really learn a lot with your blogpost and your FB. Having anxious attachment expressing my feelings, my needs and my boundaries is difficult. Reading your article and lot of related topics I have learned how to better communicate. And it does work! Though I still have the issue about timing. With my relatives, co-workers…. no problem anymore to be my vulnerable authentic self!! It took a while but now I can say I am almost secure in expressing myself ? Once in a secure committed relationship, no problem to express myself. Where I struggle: the early dating… Read more »

Lisa Kellye Fortune
Lisa Kellye Fortune

Hi. I’m in the 4th week of seeing my guy friend. We see one another once or twice a week and once on weekends. We have fabulous sex, go out, cook for one another. This past week on the last day i saw him, he was twisting everything I said. He even referenced my 2nd husband who hurt me deeply through manipulation, by doing the same and asked me if that’s how 2nd hubby treated me. It brought much pain and tears welled up. I couldn’t get home fast enough. I asked to talk about this and he said he… Read more »


Hi Renee, Thanks for your advice. I am trying to resolve an issue with my boyfriend of 4 years. An old issue has come up, where he took an illegal drug (DMT) once 2 years ago. This is coming from a guy who had been a pot-smoker for 14 years and had completely given up that habit for years and when we started dating he had said he hadn’t smoked weed in 4 years. He was so proud of being drug-free. A little bit of background is important, he grew up with an very alcoholic mom (who has since cleaned… Read more »

Reply to  Crystal


C Shell Pugh
C Shell Pugh

Thank you so much for your insight… I paraphrased your words to fit my my situation and emotions and it worked beautifully. I got the assurance I needed and feel much better. I’ve been reading a lot of your posts and feel like I am understanding men so more. Thank you so much

Marcie Hoffman
Marcie Hoffman

I just tried this and it worked. We were fighting n I lost control of my emotions and flipped out pretty bad. I googled this topic and calmly said the words and believed them. Thank you for this, I feel better. He spoke to me and seemed to understand that I just wanted to let him know I’m upset and its not him or pointed at him, I’m just a woman who went bat shit crazy for few minutes ?

Renee Wade
Renee Wade
Reply to  Marcie Hoffman

Wonderful Marcie! 🙂 🙂


what if you hear from reliable sources that he is cheating on you? how do you deal with that? and will a player man ever change and be committed?

Auriel Synn
Auriel Synn
Reply to  adi

I’m interested in the reply you get. My situation is more of he has and may still be.

Reply to  adi

Try their understanding men course

Fran Mirren
Fran Mirren

I do agree that men are like 12 year olds when it comes to emotional maturity…but why is it that all the “self help” articles I read state that it’s the WOMAN’S job to customize her ways in order for the man not to go cold and childish on her? Why is it frowned upon at the mere idea of a man being more emotionally mature? I mean, if I want to keep my bf from MAKING me break up with him, I have to do all the work. That doesn’t seem right. And trust me, I’ve tried all the… Read more »

He Mim
He Mim

I think, that ‘diplomacy’ should be the keyword in communication, especially with people who are wired a bit differently than we are… Not pointing and blaming to the other, and also accepting our own part in things.


hey!! i just read your article, and i’m genuinly pleased… AND at EASE.. I think i never tried to understand him in this way before.. I had a good laugh a couple of time when i found that you’ve written exactly what happens whenever we have an argument and i go on and on about it.. I’m actually feeling bad for my poor man right now!!he really must get confused when i go all crazy on him!! After reading this now I’ll be more considerate of him.. And yes.. its not his fault.. haha.. I love him even more right… Read more »


What do you say after those paragraphs if the feelings are coming from something he isn’t or is doing which makes you feel that way? Don’t you wanna get it fixed? Wouldn’t it confuse him if you bring it up and then say the feeling will pass as if it isn’t important? Renee


i feel now so much stressed with this guy i met just for sex.. we’ve known each other around half an year but he recently broke up with his ex gf from long term relationship(in march) and he wanted to have fun with me (in july).. i accepted his offer and now i suffer cause i want something more.. at first i didn’t know i want more with him cause i felt sexually desired by him but after time goes, i didn’t feel that much desire from him.. based on texting… and i wrote him two weeks ago i realized… Read more »


I love everything talked about here but how about the MEN taking the time to understand the women they claim to love? We want to be validated within our own feelings and it seems as though most men don’t know how to do this. When my boyfriend goes all day without reaching for me via a call or a simple text, I don’t feel very loved and nurtured and I have let him know this many times, not in a blaming way, but in a loving way. I’d say I feel invisible and disconnected from you when you go all… Read more »

Reply to  Staci

Yes, yes, everything about this reply is yes. Even the last paragraph about marrying a Beta but settling for mere attraction in a man who will never give a shit how we feel.



I’m hoping you can take the time to respond. In an earlier comment Tiff stated:

“Say you want to express your hurt over something he did or said. How is it possible to do it in a manner where he doesn’t feel blamed, when his actions are the direct cause of the hurt in the first place (however unintentional)?”

This is such a valid point. How do we approach this?

Reply to  Tess

I was wondering about the same thing as well! How can we express our feelings more wisely, when it is caused directly from the man? Really hope you’ll share some thoughts on this!

Reply to  Tess

Is there a reason why she refuses to acknowledge any of the other comments on here spanning two+ years, esp this one? Or is this simple question overestimated to be worthy of a hundred-odd-dollar coaching fee? Smh.


Hey Rene, i just read the article, and i am planning to change my views in how i should talk to my man. we have know eachother for 6 years on and off, and the past couple of months was amazing together. but he is married now and i always feel im second. the past week we have been distant, he has been pulling himself away (i read that article too) now i understand what he means by his actions thanks to you. i also mistakingly tried to explain how i feel, and he just didnt get me. 3 days… Read more »

Reply to  Fakhra

He’s married, you are second, you will always be second to him. He already chose #1. You make yourself so low value being with someone that is a) not valuing you, and b) not valuing his wife. Do the right thing and get out. No matter what you feel he is not going to chose you ( he’s known you for 6 years, but still picked her over you). Part of me feels angry that you could do that to this woman, but the other part of me feels really sorry for you, please try and work on loving yourself.… Read more »


I’m stuck on this one too. I tried to tell him I don’t blame him then out pops my accusation. But I made the accusation in a very nice way. Still didn’t work.

Gracie Decker
Gracie Decker

I finally had an occasion to use this.. I was just so overwhelmed with my feelings that I just sat down and told him straight up “I’m not angry at you. I’m not blaming you. But this situation right now.. I feel scared.” I couldn’t believe the reaction from him I got, it made me cry I was so happy.


Hi Renee, I know this is an old post and I’ve read it before and had tried the trial and erorr as well. Here’s what I want to ask or get clarity, as said in the begining of the post that we’re woman need to know where the relationship going. I can see how the sentences you teach in this post does overcome his fear for being blamed, and show our love and understanding where he is at. but when down to the next sentence to say, what I captured is in this case you show us how to express… Read more »

Diane Scott
Diane Scott
Reply to  Yasinta

I am married and have been for 23yrs, my husband seem to be pulling away. I really don’t understand it and why but it is happening and I pray that everything will be ok. I love my husband very much and since I’ve read this article I have come to a realization that communication has a lot to do with it and knowing that he is not as emotional as I am. We are in our 50’s now and many things have changed for the both of use. We got married when we were in our 30’s and wanted to… Read more »


Renee,I wont be tired of saying it, I follow you here and on Facebook, you’re one dearly wise woman! I look after you because is my intention to heal from my insecurities and become the best woman that I already know I can be. Im smart, caring, funny, etc. I just need to learn how to communicate to a man and it costed me a promising relationship, being impulsive, saying words out of fears, If i could go back I would have changed that but, i wouldnt have learnt, i wouldnt have experience, sometimes we learn through pain and believe… Read more »


and then also, we are just supposed to say our feelings? not why we are feeling that way?

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