How to Talk to a Man in a Way that Won’t Make him Pull Away and Go Cold

Have you ever gotten involved with a man, and 1, 2, 3 or more months down the track, you just couldn’t help asking him where the relationship is going?

Maybe you got involved with him sexually, and he kept coming close and then pushing you away.

Well, if you’ve tried to voice your feelings and be honest with a man only to feel like he just disappeared, it’s not your fault.

And no, it’s NOT needy to have the desire to know where the relationship is going.

In this article, I’ll show you how how to communicate with a man without chasing him, whilst also honouring your own feelings.

How to Talk to a Man in a Way that Won't Make him Pull Away and Go Cold

Your Feelings: Why It’s OK To Want Security

It’s what you naturally want as a woman. Just like men try to push for sex, and they naturally want sex, you want to know where on earth a relationship is going!

You want security.

And, there’s a good reason. If you, as a woman, didn’t look for security in some way, then how would you and your children be protected and safe?

Our ancestors needed security for us to be here today. They sure sought it out, and that biological NEED for a woman to seek out security is still there within you.

So there’s nothing wrong with it!

Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 8 Question Quiz!

Men And Women Don’t “Communicate” Very Well

Only, here’s the only problem with getting that from a man:

Men and women don’t “communicate” very well. In fact, miscommunication is the rule between men and women.

That makes expressing your feelings and needs to a man difficult.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. As a woman, you’ll gravitate towards having a serious verbal conversation with him.

But what tends to happen during such conversations?

You’ll go ahead and be totally honest about something you feel. In return, he doesn’t say much. In some moments, he’ll look at you with a blank face, not even acknowledging what you said. Just total silence.

This is hard! And the more blank and quiet he is – the more your heart beats faster, the more angry and scared you get. And then what happens? You keep talking, because HE isn’t talking!

Then you may feel him pulling away.

Did he not hear you? Does he not get it? Why can’t he say anything back to me!?

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

At that point, you’re probably thinking inside your head “OK I obviously haven’t explained myself properly and he doesn’t understand what I’m saying.

So I better explain it in a better way until he GETS it!” And so you keep talking some more – right?

Being the man that he is, he will often respond to you with truths and solutions.

Because his masculine soul is built for problem solving rather than feeling through and resonating with feelings.

(This doesn’t mean he cannot resonate with feelings, he can! It just means he has this bias in communication.)

How To Express Your Feelings To A Man: Avoid This Feminine Bias

Constantly talking until a man understands you is a natural desire of women, but rarely works in creating a deep bond with your man.

A good example of this is in the movie ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’.

Have you seen it? It’s ok if you haven’t, but there is a scene where Julianne Moore is trying to talk to her husband about serious issues, but he doesn’t seem to respond.

So then she escalates the conversation to the point where she tells Steve Carrell that she cheated on him.

To her surprise, he still doesn’t say anything at all in response to her, so she screams:

“Why aren’t you saying anything! You know that only makes me talk more!”

And he responds by saying “please stop [talking]”. She doesn’t stop talking, so he responds by throwing himself out of the moving car.

Yes, really.

Watch it yourself here:

So, even though talking more about your feelings makes you think this will help him “GET” you – this is FEMININE Logic.

We use words. It feels good to us, because it helps us bond (especially with other women).

CLICK HERE to discover how much you truly live in your feminine energy with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

But the issue with most men is that when you do this, he just shuts down even more. And it’s NOT because you did the wrong thing.

This is not about doing the wrong. This is about understanding more than you did before.

Remember: you are not to blame. You can only make a mistake (which is very different to doing the wrong thing).

So if you do do this thing where you talk even more when he’s silent, it’s not because you are flawed (you can’t be flawed,  that’s impossible!), it’s because he is a man.

No matter how much of an asshole he is – no matter how COLD that look on his face is, remember that you still haven’t done the wrong thing.

The bottom line is:

Miscommunication is the rule between men and women.

His body and brain is built to be preferentially better for totally different things than you are as a woman, even though you are both human.

You already know this, intuitively. It’s time to start acting on it.

learn the dark feminine art of High Value Banter here.

How To Talk To A Man So He Will Listen To You

So what I have for you today is one of my best kept secrets of making a man relax and stop everything he’s doing to listen to you.

Most of my best stuff is kept for members of my programs as it’s taken me literally years of trial and error to gain this knowledge.

But, I know it’s important for you to feel like you can express your feelings without feeling like he’s going to get angry at you.

So I’m about to share this strategy with you, and hope that unlike most women, you have the courage to put it in to practice.

It’s only a small thing, but most women wouldn’t do it, because they’re too selfish and blinded by their own false ideas of what a man SHOULD be like.

I’ve kept this strategy close to my heart for so long because I wanted to get it tested, and I use it myself first – and it works wonders.

how to stay high value

YES, There IS A Way To Communicate Your Feelings Without Pushing Him Away

To do this though, you first have to realise one important thing about communicating to your boyfriend or husband:

Most of the time when you try to express your feelings to him, he is most likely going to feel blamed and criticised even during the times when you are not blaming him or criticising him.

This is just how most men respond to a woman trying to express her feelings, because they are not very far along in their own understanding of women.

It took my husband more than 5 years to finally get this.

So, expect that he will feel like pulling away from you and that he will feel criticized at least half of the times you try to communicate with him.

This is not your fault. It’s just the result of the value differences between men and women in the dating stages.

Until you prove to him that you are not a perpetual value extractor like other women and you won’t BLAME him, most men will shut down when you try to “have a talk”.

Here’s an article on Why Men Pull Away & How To Deal With It As A High Value Woman.

Try to know that a man becoming defensive or feeling blamed is to be expected. Not because he’s a bad guy, but because like most women, you like to communicate in a certain way.

This is what I call a feminine bias in behaviour. Women tend to communicate in a certain way that men don’t always respond well to.

Your best bet is to understand it, and expect it. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because of the way you, as a woman, communicate.

He doesn’t communicate the way you do, so even though you’re making sense in your own head, and you feel innocent, he doesn’t quite get it.

So, remember that as a rule. It’s as true as 1 + 1 = 2.

Any man who has ever had any kind of a relationship with a member of the female species will naturally feel blamed and start to pull away when you try to bring something up about your relationship, UNLESS you do what I’m about to show you.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

But I JUST Want To Be Understood!

I know it may feel overwhelming. All you’re trying to do is feel understood!

And the worst thing is – the more you genuinely try to express yourself, and he doesn’t understand, the more emotional you get.

I’ve done this so many times and ended up bursting in to tears just because I wasn’t trying to do anything BUT express myself to him, hoping he would understand.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way with men.

I learned that enough times through seeing my husband’s face go blank and *seemingly* cold and seeing him walk away after I innocently tried to express my “needs” to him.

(Related: The Fastest Way To Push A Man Away)

This kept happening until I discovered this simple sentence to say to my man.

So this is what I want you to do:

BEFORE You Say Anything At ALL To Him…Say This

…Stop yourself,  and say this simple sentence first:

“Hey, it’s not your fault, and I’m not blaming you, because nothing is EVER your fault.”

This disarms him first.

And then you go on to say something like this…

But because I respect you, I feel it’s important to let you know that I feel [insert authentic feelings ie: anger, scared, fearful, hurt, sad, out of control]”.

When you say this, he can relax and feel that YOU understand HIM first. You are meeting him where he is at, as a man.

You’re effectively getting inside his mind without him knowing, and saying what he needs to hear from you before you go ahead and share your feelings.

And, if you do this in a genuine way, he will return your gesture by being willing to understand you, too.

(Because as humans we tend to want to give back to those who gave a lot of value to us!)

See, smart women seek to appreciate and understand men first. This is the way to get men to line up outside your door, waiting to date you.

And you can bet your knickers that your girlfriends do not understand men as well as you do if you make the effort to understand men!

Nobody will understand men as well as you do after you take my program Understanding Men. (The promise of this course is for you discover the secrets of the masculine perspective so that you can get through to any man, connect with him heart to heart, and inspire his deepest loyalty and commitment.)

So here’s the catch to using my sentence. Don’t USE that line as a justification for actually going ahead and blaming him.

Don’t point the finger. Don’t sell yourself short like that. You are a woman of high value, so don’t DO that!

We want to always be classy, and take the high road. Do it because you believe in connection, rather than disconnection.

Do it because you have courage. Not because you want to control him.

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

HE Is Never To Be Blamed, And You Are Never To Be Blamed

By the way: is it true that nothing is ever his fault?

There may be some things that we can definitely attribute to being someone else’s fault.

But as a general principle, in relationships, you should see this as true.

And for the sake of your relationship lasting long term, you truly have to believe that with your soul.

It’s not his fault.

Just like nothing is ever YOUR FAULT either.

If that sounds weird…I know how you feel. After all, like many kids, you may have felt so blamed for so much, growing up. Surely something is someone’s fault?

Well, to a lot of us, that makes sense. After all, we’ve all been blamed before.

And not to mention how much at fault you may already feel for your past relationships not working out.

But think about how FREEING it is to no longer have to blame anyone – most importantly yourself.

If you can’t not blame anyone, at least start by not blaming yourself.

Here’s the truth – remember this principle for communicating with a man:

Blame equals imprisonment.

Connection equals freedom.

Related: 5 “Must-Follow” Rules For Dating & Relationships For Women.

The ONE Rule For Talking To A Man About Your Feelings

See, this is what I believe, without a doubt in my soul:

Nothing is ever my man’s fault. Nothing is ever MY FAULT.

Making someone at fault is to tie them up with chains, because you’re trying to control them and push them in to a corner.

Do you really want to do that to a man? Or to yourself?

This doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility – not at all. You should always take responsibility.

But by responsibility, I mean CARING for your man, and caring for yourself. That’s what responsibility is. It’s caring.

But blaming? Blaming someone and saying something is “all his fault” is a lie.

For the sake of the future lasting ability of your relationship, even if you know he did something to hurt you, you must take the focus off blaming and over to connecting.

Whether that be connecting to yourself, so that you feel more accurately how this guy is really treating you…

Or you connecting to him more by showing him your hurt.

Your focus needs to be on connecting with yourself and your own feelings (because your feelings give you much needed information and helps yourself and him calibrate and become closer)…

And if he’s deserving of it, connecting more with him and meeting him where he is at.

If we never make the effort to meet someone else where they are at, if we never make the effort to understand him, then how can we ever communicate our own feelings to him?

it’s important to show allegiance by being on the same emotional page as him, too.

Remember above when I mentioned that when we give to someone else, is makes them want to give back to us?

This is an important principle to remember.

Here’s an article I wrote on The Art Of Creating Emotional Connection With A Man.

Make it a policy that there is no pointing fingers, or at yours.

It just pushes him away.

It’s only a way to make yourself feel secure when you feel like you are not good enough inside.

Related: Do I Push Men Away? Signs You Push People Away & How To Stop.

The Price To Pay For BLAMING

When I was much younger, I used to blame other people. Until later on I realised…

  1. I was actually a miserable, angry wreck by doing that; and
  2. I was lying to myself. Thinking it was everyone’s responsibility to make me feel better.

That (people coming to my rescue when I lash out) rarely ever comes.

And if it did come, if someone did take it upon themselves to make me feel better, I wouldn’t feel good anyway. It’d last for 5 minutes and then I’d be back to my miserable, blaming self.

Anyway, back to my point…

You can’t claim to LOVE someone and blame them.


Just like that famous saying:

“Blame is drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to Die.”

Express Feelings To Him: ACTUAL Feelings

Now you may be wondering whether there is a correct way to express feelings to a guy…

The best way is to actually FEEL.

What you should do is express and feel what you’re actually feeling. Which is usually something like anger, hurt, sadness, guilt, lonely and scared.

I’ve had clients who have expressed their raw emotions (the real, authentic emotion) and it has genuinely inspired her man to marry her (because the guy heard her communication in a way that he could appreciate, understand and connect to.)

Here’s an article I wrote that will help you with this: How To Be Vulnerable Without Being NEEDY.

And here’s a guide on How To Get Him To Propose Without Looking Low Value.

If you stop for a minute and think, you’ll realise that your raw emotion is exactly where the truth lies.

But many women cover up this truth with manipulating behaviour, lies, and the facade of being in control.

It doesn’t matter how much he has hurt you or how much you have hurt him. The truth still lies in your actual feelings at the moment.

Anger is anger. Hurt is hurt. Fear is fear.

(Related: How To Deal With Fear Of Being Alone And Him Leaving You?)

What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…

CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!

What To Say To Him Next…

A word of warning when you say this ONE simple sentence to him:

When you do this, it’s possible that he will do something that frustrates you. Something like this:

Which is, offer suggestions of what you can DO, even  after you’ve expressed that you’re simply feeling scared or lonely.

For example, if you say: “I feel lonely”, and he says something insensitive along the lines of:

“Well, why don’t you just call your best friend Sally?”

Or “Why don’t you go out and make some new friends?”

If he does that, say this (again, in a genuine way, don’t say it if you don’t truly believe it. Wait until you really feel it inside before you say it.)

“Thanks, I love that you’re so willing to go out of your way to help me – but there’s nothing to be fixed. These are just my feelings and my feelings will pass as quickly as they came.

Add Some Self Deprecating Humour In

A lot of women are going to hate me for suggesting this, because they take themselves very seriously.

But it may relate to your man very well if you say it, because a lot of men already kind of think that women are crazy. So you will be “entering the conversation that already exists in his mind”.

Here’s what you can say:

I know my feelings seem kind of crazy, maybe it’s just because I’m a woman and we’re naturally crazy, but there’s REALLY nothing to be fixed right now.”

This might make him laugh or smile.

It might mean he’ll look at you with this confused look on his face. Whatever it is, at least you get to feel more influential in your communications with him.

By the way, if you think your man might be emotionally unavailable, here’s a guide I wrote on emotionally unavailable men. You can read it here.

Tired of misunderstanding with your man?

So go ahead, and use what I just suggested to you, and also let me know how you go!

By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only.

Also! Share your thoughts on this article with me below. I look forward to hearing from you. 

renee wade what to do when he doesn't call

P.S. If you liked this article, CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.

If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.

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Hi Renee! Could you give a practical example of how a woman can correct a man without disrespecting him?

Cynthia Abert
Cynthia Abert

Women are naturally crazy? You had me up until that comment.


So insightful! I really learn a lot with your blogpost and your FB. Having anxious attachment expressing my feelings, my needs and my boundaries is difficult. Reading your article and lot of related topics I have learned how to better communicate. And it does work! Though I still have the issue about timing. With my relatives, co-workers…. no problem anymore to be my vulnerable authentic self!! It took a while but now I can say I am almost secure in expressing myself ? Once in a secure committed relationship, no problem to express myself. Where I struggle: the early dating… Read more »

Lisa Kellye Fortune
Lisa Kellye Fortune

Hi. I’m in the 4th week of seeing my guy friend. We see one another once or twice a week and once on weekends. We have fabulous sex, go out, cook for one another. This past week on the last day i saw him, he was twisting everything I said. He even referenced my 2nd husband who hurt me deeply through manipulation, by doing the same and asked me if that’s how 2nd hubby treated me. It brought much pain and tears welled up. I couldn’t get home fast enough. I asked to talk about this and he said he… Read more »


Hi Renee, Thanks for your advice. I am trying to resolve an issue with my boyfriend of 4 years. An old issue has come up, where he took an illegal drug (DMT) once 2 years ago. This is coming from a guy who had been a pot-smoker for 14 years and had completely given up that habit for years and when we started dating he had said he hadn’t smoked weed in 4 years. He was so proud of being drug-free. A little bit of background is important, he grew up with an very alcoholic mom (who has since cleaned… Read more »

Reply to  Crystal


C Shell Pugh
C Shell Pugh

Thank you so much for your insight… I paraphrased your words to fit my my situation and emotions and it worked beautifully. I got the assurance I needed and feel much better. I’ve been reading a lot of your posts and feel like I am understanding men so more. Thank you so much

Marcie Hoffman
Marcie Hoffman

I just tried this and it worked. We were fighting n I lost control of my emotions and flipped out pretty bad. I googled this topic and calmly said the words and believed them. Thank you for this, I feel better. He spoke to me and seemed to understand that I just wanted to let him know I’m upset and its not him or pointed at him, I’m just a woman who went bat shit crazy for few minutes ?

Renee Wade
Reply to  Marcie Hoffman

Wonderful Marcie! 🙂 🙂


what if you hear from reliable sources that he is cheating on you? how do you deal with that? and will a player man ever change and be committed?

Auriel Synn
Auriel Synn
Reply to  adi

I’m interested in the reply you get. My situation is more of he has and may still be.

Reply to  adi

Try their understanding men course

Fran Mirren
Fran Mirren

I do agree that men are like 12 year olds when it comes to emotional maturity…but why is it that all the “self help” articles I read state that it’s the WOMAN’S job to customize her ways in order for the man not to go cold and childish on her? Why is it frowned upon at the mere idea of a man being more emotionally mature? I mean, if I want to keep my bf from MAKING me break up with him, I have to do all the work. That doesn’t seem right. And trust me, I’ve tried all the… Read more »

Stoic man
Stoic man
Reply to  Fran Mirren

Your first mistake is thinking that being naggy and needy makes you “emotionally mature”. Ask yourself, why do you *need* so much from someone who was just going on about their day peacefully? How is that being mature?

If anything, that is emotional infantility, because you seem to need this other stoic individual to keep wiping your ass for you emotionally….and he is evil if he doesn’t.

Grow up.

He Mim
He Mim

I think, that ‘diplomacy’ should be the keyword in communication, especially with people who are wired a bit differently than we are… Not pointing and blaming to the other, and also accepting our own part in things.


hey!! i just read your article, and i’m genuinly pleased… AND at EASE.. I think i never tried to understand him in this way before.. I had a good laugh a couple of time when i found that you’ve written exactly what happens whenever we have an argument and i go on and on about it.. I’m actually feeling bad for my poor man right now!!he really must get confused when i go all crazy on him!! After reading this now I’ll be more considerate of him.. And yes.. its not his fault.. haha.. I love him even more right… Read more »


What do you say after those paragraphs if the feelings are coming from something he isn’t or is doing which makes you feel that way? Don’t you wanna get it fixed? Wouldn’t it confuse him if you bring it up and then say the feeling will pass as if it isn’t important? Renee


i feel now so much stressed with this guy i met just for sex.. we’ve known each other around half an year but he recently broke up with his ex gf from long term relationship(in march) and he wanted to have fun with me (in july).. i accepted his offer and now i suffer cause i want something more.. at first i didn’t know i want more with him cause i felt sexually desired by him but after time goes, i didn’t feel that much desire from him.. based on texting… and i wrote him two weeks ago i realized… Read more »


I love everything talked about here but how about the MEN taking the time to understand the women they claim to love? We want to be validated within our own feelings and it seems as though most men don’t know how to do this. When my boyfriend goes all day without reaching for me via a call or a simple text, I don’t feel very loved and nurtured and I have let him know this many times, not in a blaming way, but in a loving way. I’d say I feel invisible and disconnected from you when you go all… Read more »

Reply to  Staci

Yes, yes, everything about this reply is yes. Even the last paragraph about marrying a Beta but settling for mere attraction in a man who will never give a shit how we feel.



I’m hoping you can take the time to respond. In an earlier comment Tiff stated:

“Say you want to express your hurt over something he did or said. How is it possible to do it in a manner where he doesn’t feel blamed, when his actions are the direct cause of the hurt in the first place (however unintentional)?”

This is such a valid point. How do we approach this?

Reply to  Tess

I was wondering about the same thing as well! How can we express our feelings more wisely, when it is caused directly from the man? Really hope you’ll share some thoughts on this!

Reply to  Tess

Is there a reason why she refuses to acknowledge any of the other comments on here spanning two+ years, esp this one? Or is this simple question overestimated to be worthy of a hundred-odd-dollar coaching fee? Smh.


Hey Rene, i just read the article, and i am planning to change my views in how i should talk to my man. we have know eachother for 6 years on and off, and the past couple of months was amazing together. but he is married now and i always feel im second. the past week we have been distant, he has been pulling himself away (i read that article too) now i understand what he means by his actions thanks to you. i also mistakingly tried to explain how i feel, and he just didnt get me. 3 days… Read more »

Reply to  Fakhra

He’s married, you are second, you will always be second to him. He already chose #1. You make yourself so low value being with someone that is a) not valuing you, and b) not valuing his wife. Do the right thing and get out. No matter what you feel he is not going to chose you ( he’s known you for 6 years, but still picked her over you). Part of me feels angry that you could do that to this woman, but the other part of me feels really sorry for you, please try and work on loving yourself.… Read more »


I’m stuck on this one too. I tried to tell him I don’t blame him then out pops my accusation. But I made the accusation in a very nice way. Still didn’t work.

Gracie Decker
Gracie Decker

I finally had an occasion to use this.. I was just so overwhelmed with my feelings that I just sat down and told him straight up “I’m not angry at you. I’m not blaming you. But this situation right now.. I feel scared.” I couldn’t believe the reaction from him I got, it made me cry I was so happy.


Hi Renee, I know this is an old post and I’ve read it before and had tried the trial and erorr as well. Here’s what I want to ask or get clarity, as said in the begining of the post that we’re woman need to know where the relationship going. I can see how the sentences you teach in this post does overcome his fear for being blamed, and show our love and understanding where he is at. but when down to the next sentence to say, what I captured is in this case you show us how to express… Read more »

Diane Scott
Reply to  Yasinta

I am married and have been for 23yrs, my husband seem to be pulling away. I really don’t understand it and why but it is happening and I pray that everything will be ok. I love my husband very much and since I’ve read this article I have come to a realization that communication has a lot to do with it and knowing that he is not as emotional as I am. We are in our 50’s now and many things have changed for the both of use. We got married when we were in our 30’s and wanted to… Read more »


Renee,I wont be tired of saying it, I follow you here and on Facebook, you’re one dearly wise woman! I look after you because is my intention to heal from my insecurities and become the best woman that I already know I can be. Im smart, caring, funny, etc. I just need to learn how to communicate to a man and it costed me a promising relationship, being impulsive, saying words out of fears, If i could go back I would have changed that but, i wouldnt have learnt, i wouldnt have experience, sometimes we learn through pain and believe… Read more »

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