So truthfully, why does he pull away?
Article updated 2018
Sometimes when a man pulls away, it’s because there was no actual emotional attraction in the first place.
When there isn’t enough attraction and connection in a dating situation, things will fizzle out – no matter how much we want to hold on. Because that’s what a strong relationship is built upon – emotional attraction and emotional connection.
In these situations where there’s not enough connection and attraction right from the start, it usually means that we should let it go. Usually, when the relationship was based on sex and even convenience in the beginning – it’s a good sign that he’s pulling away forever. Why? Because men fall in love and commit to the woman that they see as their ‘one and only’, and not the ‘one of many’.
But very often, men pulling away isn’t a bad thing.
We as women just think it is a bad thing – it’s our perception. We perceive him pulling away as scary, as threatening and horrible. And of course, we see it as a bad thing because we think we shouldn’t have this problem in a relationship.
Further still, we think having this problem is wrong.
It’s not wrong. It’s usually a warning or a test. It’s either a warning that this man sees you as the one of many type of woman from the start, or a test for your relationship to overcome, and that is completely normal.
So it is not wrong for you to have the ‘problem’ of a man pulling away, even if you’re in a committed relationship. This is because men and women have different motivations, different perceptions of the world, and they value different things. This doesn’t mean that our values and wants cannot mesh together and create beauty in the world – they certainly can. But not without also having clashes along the way, which are 100% normal in man/woman relationships.
Both men and women, when they spend a lot of time together, just hanging out, can start to want to move away from each other, because at some point, the other stops resonating with them and stops filling them up.
Truth is, sometimes what we want is the security of having a man around, but what we need is the influence of good girlfriends or feminine energy in some form, to fill us up.
See, often, your man will need to pull away in order to gather his masculine energy and to feel like himself again. Often, you as a woman might even want to pull away, in order to feel like yourself again. However – this fact may not change how scared you do feel when a man pulls away.
Remember, men pull away for good reasons.
Men pull away for very good reasons. Because it’s what they need to do to be true to their natural rhythm and equilibrium in their masculine body.
When men become involved with a relationship and go deeper, it’s natural to have them pull away – even after marriage and many years together. Time together or marriage doesn’t guarantee a man will do what is convenient for us and convenient for our feelings.
A man pulling away – It’s a continuous thing that will happen over a woman’s lifetime if she chooses to be with a man. However, with trust built up over the years, yes, he may pull away less and less. Especially when he hasn’t got important things asking for his attention, or buffalos to kill.
So try to remember when men withdraw – it is a part of our man and woman journey together. It’s a warning or a test. A test for your relationship to overcome.
I have found that it is when I had children with my husband that he started to become extremely responsive and didn’t pull away as much – not directly as a result of loving me more, but because his masculine brain perceives that we need to communicate very often, for the purpose of responding to our kids, working out logistics, proper organisation between us, and doing the right thing by our kids.
Don’t get me wrong. The times we spend in love and together are always inevitably cut off because he has “sh*t to do.”
Understanding why men withdraw after getting close to you.
But will you ever be able to trust ANY man to be more responsive to your calls, feelings and requests?
Yes, of course! And yet – he might still pull away, he will just be more responsive if he trusts you.
The way to get a man to be more responsive is:
1) Build trust between the two of you; and
2) You must communicate your need for him to reassure you of his devotion in a vulnerable way. Often, if a man doesn’t perceive a clear need for something, he won’t address it.
Not only that, but in order for him to truly want to make sure you feel secure when he pulls away or works on his mission, in the beginning you will need to be generous in showering him with responsive appreciation for his efforts to be present with you. If you feel a little appreciation and relief by his presence – don’t hide it.
Show the incredible joy and gratitude and love you have for when he shows up in your life. Don’t hold it back our of fear or because you don’t want to be emotionally generous. No! You need to give him this feedback and be emotionally generous! Try not to communicate from resentment – it’s something you will come to regret.
See, when you are able to feel that he is willing to reassure you of his commitment to you – and that he’s just busy working on providing or doing important things – what happens is that you can also start to relax and trust him.
The tricky thing is that sometimes trust has to exist between you before you can get a favourable response from him to your needs.
Generally, a man will stay close to a woman if there is a lot of attraction and connection. Emotional attraction and emotional connection. If you remember nothing else today, remember these two things.
A part of an unbreakable connection is building trust.
It’s hard for women to trust men.
It’s also hard for men to trust women.
We all have many conflicting wants and interests. The lack of trust is normal – until it’s built up over time.
We as women want to take a man’s resources – time, attention, money, commitment. That naturally requires that he trust us in order to give those precious resources. Do you understand that, as a woman, it feels very intuitive to you to want to take time, resources, love, affection and attention from a man – but that it also feels intuitive to a man to feel that these very things that you want, is a huge, huge job for him?
It takes enormous energy to give to a woman as a man – and that doesn’t mean that yours and my needs as a woman are wrong, not at all. It means that it helps us to simply understand that what we are asking for is not a walk in the park. In fact, it even helps to just meet a man on his level and say: “Hey, I know that I can seem like a lot of effort and maintenance at times. I’m sorry…I just really miss you. I just really enjoy my time with you.”
Does that feel like a lot of self sacrifice to say something like that? Good! Because that’s what it’s supposed to feel like when you’re giving value, having the courage to meet him where he’s at and at least having the courage to enter the conversation he’s already having in his own head. You will gain his trust.
Remember though – even when there IS trust – pulling away is a normal and natural part of being a man.
But when you trust him and he trusts you – you will feel less scared when he pulls away and it will feel like he pulls away less – because you have trust in him.
The important reasons why guys pull away, especially in the early stages?
There are several reasons why men pull away.
One major reason is biological – because men who are born more identified with masculine energy don’t base their identity on ‘relationship’ with a woman. And because intimate relationship doesn’t pay the bills or earn him money. Because in order to focus on the job, he can’t be thinking about your feelings right now.
Instead of basing their identity and worth in their intimate relationship, often men base their identity (not always deliberately – but moreso intuitively), on risk taking, proving themselves, and on their individual capabilities and achievements.
Risk taking is a necessary endeavour for a masculine species. It’s what they must do in order to stand out to females and be worthy of reproduction. Research has shown that much more so in boys, risk taking behaviour lights up pleasure centres in their brain. This starts very young.
I may try to get my 5 year old son to not jump off an extremely high ledge (and I do mean extremely) – but he still jumps off, while my heart is screaming in fear. Not only does he have absolutely no sense of danger like I would, he seems to welcome it – at the potential risk of his own safety.
Closeness with a woman is good for some time for a man – until he needs to get back to his body’s natural rhythm and equilibrium, to being a worthy man who is able to provide, conquer and kill the buffalo. We all have a bodily need to return to our natural state, where we feel more like ourselves.
This is why pulling away for most men is normal at some point.
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)
Why does your boyfriend pulling away hurt so much?
Men pulling away hurts so much because we live in a feminine sphere where sharing emotions, resonating with the ever changing flow of emotions is celebrated, and we live in a feminine world where emotional closeness is celebrated and sought after, for our own sense of safety and our own social value.
It hurts a lot when he pulls away, because we love them and closeness is our form of love. But if we were really honest – it hurts because emotionally, men and women need each other. We don’t always rely on him to survive – but we rely on the connection to feel full (which we don’t always have to, but that’s a conversation for another time).
But how often do we let ourselves truly surrender to the fact that it hurts, (and it hurts because we love them?) And how often do we let ourselves feel the emptiness of his absence? Perhaps it’s too hard to admit that we have this deep pain and this deep longing for him, even to ourselves?
But what if this emptiness, this pain of missing him (and allowing ourselves to fully sensitively feel that we miss him), is the secret to bringing him closer? You see, something I learned is that acting out of fear robs me of the full experience of life – it takes away the opportunity to re-build my desire, and my gratitude for having my man in my life!
Sure, I might feel ‘safer’ if he sticks around a lot – but I don’t feel infinite! I don’t feel infinite by trying to blame him and making him feel wrong for pulling away.
Often, we just get angry because he’s not present. We reject the part of ourselves that truly admires him and allows him to be a man. And in doing that, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to build up a passion and to desire him more.
Instead, our anger and resentment serves only to keep things safe (like they are in prison) and comfortable. Comfort isn’t good for a passionate relationship.
It’s good for boring relationships. (Which many people suffer from every single day.)
The danger comes when instead of acknowledging that we love him because that feels scary and weak (My GOSH isn’t it truly scary to surrender to the uncertainty of truly being vulnerable to a man?) – and so we use our anger to make him wrong, close off our love (pretend it didn’t affect us) and blame them for pulling away.
The damage of just reacting in anger or closing off
It’s dangerous because none of those things comes from love. And often, none of it comes from the core of who we are. The core of us is authentic and feels the pain of him pulling away – it feels the loss and the anger and the hurt and the shock.
But not without the love.
We may feel anger and hurt and loss and shock – but a lot of women base their reactions only on these emotions and close off to the pleasure of their love and devotion for this man. You already have experience I am sure, that when you feel pain – there comes pleasure at some point. Even the people experiencing the deepest pain in the whole world – losing a child – could probably not deny that at some point in the endless grieving process, they felt pleasure at old memories with the one they lost.
Am I saying that you should brace yourself for losing him? NO! LOL. I am saying that it’s ok to grieve, even if you are trying to kick your legs and scream to avoid it.
You see, even though the prospect of grieving is overwhelming, your body is smart. It’s not here to let you fall into the depths of hell forever. It will help you balance out the pain with pleasure if you let it, if you grieve naturally. Remember, there is a lot to grieve in this life – even if you and I would prefer to conserve energy by blocking out the grieving process for seemingly ‘not grieve worthy’ stuff, like a man pulling away.
Let’s draw a comparison.
You know those annoying people who are chronic attention seekers?
Well, all feminine women deeply desire attention, and to be acknowledged and to have their deep radiance felt by men and women.
But chronic attention seekers are annoying to you – why? Because often, their pattern of chronic attention seeking comes from not actually feeling all the attention they do already get. When you don’t allow yourself the feeling – when you reject it – your need for it persists because your body never had the sensation it needed to make you feel full.
And chronic attention seekers are annoying because they won’t allow the full spectrum of experience in their bodies. They reject the true infinite radiance and beauty of themselves. They just can’t let themselves do that.
So they repetitively show up as people who want to ‘take’ value rather than give value. Because they don’t surrender to their own sensitivity, and they don’t surrender to all of life. They don’t surrender to that goddess that they already are.
So they become addicted to surface attention.
They want the attention of other people. it could be other women, it could be anyone. Even other women’s boyfriends or husbands. In fact, better if it’s from an already ‘taken’ man – because the stakes are higher and that must mean she’s really irresistible if he’ll risk his woman’s happiness to give another woman attention.
They’re annoying because they don’t have honesty in expression.
But they don’t have honesty in expression because they won’t allow themselves to surrender to their true infinite capability in being feminine and radiant.
Every woman has infinite radiance…
That’s right… every woman has infinite radiance.
But not every woman allows herself to be that – and so she stunts her value and annoys people with her ‘dabbling’ in feminine energy (attention seeking).
She doesn’t allow herself to be infinite and feel the full array of emotions. The true and real deeper cravings we have are often buried deeply in our bodies (vaginas, uterus, hearts).
It’s the same when we show up trying to ‘take’ from a man.
Instead of being honest, we just show anger – because we’re impulsive and like the thrill of being significant more than we value the true need for connection in our hearts.
This is one reason why men leave…
This is one reason why men leave. It’s essentially because we are repeatedly refusing to surrender to what’s true of our body and our heart (you can feel what’s in your heart by breathing deeply and getting away from your head).
If we are honest and sensitive – we know that we don’t only feel angry when a man pulls away.
We also love and care and surrender if we choose – to the emotions of emptiness and craving for HIM.
No man who loves a woman, would truly want to leave a woman who can allow the full spectrum of feelings to happen without blaming him. However, he would want to leave when we make him wrong. And often we do that because we first of all made the feeling of needing and wanting him wrong, in our own body.
(And this type of internal conflict and emotional self sabotage is mean and unfair to yourself.)
It’s mean. It’s mean to deny our real wanting and our secret desire to trust him – those are the reasons why he would even be with a woman – unless he wants the ease and comfort of just a woman to exist in his house so he doesn’t have to be alone or look bad in front of family and friends being single so long.
Of course, men stay when they are truly trusted and wanted. Every woman intuitively knows this.
But not every woman prefers “outside-my-comfort-zone” passion to the comfort of self-inflicted suffering.
Guys leave when we make blame and anger the ONLY correct response…
Men also do want to leave when we make blaming him and getting angry the only right response to him pulling away.
But the blaming and the closing off to him to punish him – and the ‘revenge’ response where we say – ‘oh FINALLY you call’ when we does get in contact…those come from the masks we wear.
They are the sign we are dis-owning our natural essence as a woman and denying our natural craving for connection with the person we love.
So what are the signs of him pulling away and not about to come back…
One of the biggest things women feel when a man pulls away is that he is taking her for granted.
Sometimes, that feeling has merit. Other times, we are just trying to avoid deeper emotions.
How do you know if a man is taking you for granted or not?
1) If you can feel that a man has given you reason to trust him in the past (trust comes from your body/gut, not your head), then chances are, his pulling away is something that we need to appreciate and honour him for.
If a man has repeatedly broken your trust – then he probably is taking you for granted.
Only, that statement comes with a caveat – when we are in a long term relationship with a man, we can be quick to see where someone else is taking us for granted; but not quick enough to see where we are taking a man for granted.
After all, a lot of men feel taken for granted when women have problems with them withdrawing – ‘doesn’t she remember the beautiful moments we had just yesterday? Does she need me with her every second of the day?’
When men meet a woman, he will subconsciously place her in one of two categories. They are the ‘one of many’ category or the ‘one and only’ category. If you’re a man’s one of many woman, then you can be almost certain that there won’t be a future with him. It’s important to not fall into the trap of being the ‘one of many’ woman by showing up as the ‘one and only’ woman from the start. That’s why I made my FREE DVD ‘Becoming His One & Only’. Yes, you can have it free, and you can get your copy here: www.bhoodvd.com.
2) Has he given you reason to feel like he values you at all in the past? If so, then remember that even though you feel taken for granted…all women and men have to go through this period of change in their relationship if they are to stay together for the long term.
We often get too busy thinking he’s in the wrong for taking us for granted and forget to surrender to having problems. Problems that no woman is immune to in a relationship. No woman is immune to men going quiet or pulling away.
From this place, we can then add new value in different ways to further enrich the relationship. I wrote an article here about what to do when he stops chasing you and being romantic.
How to know when you should just give up on a man?
I cannot give you a direct answer for this; as every person has different values.
My belief is that you do not ever give up on a man out of fear.
Leaving a man from fear is a weak and impulsive driver of our actions.
You give up on a man when you:
1) Don’t want to trust his masculine energy more than your own at all (because there’s no ecstasy in being with you for him – or for you)
2) You honestly can’t trust him. Trust means – trusting his capability to be in his masculine energy – trusting that he can take you in to consideration – and others in to consideration – when taking actions and making decisions.
If you genuinely admire a man and love a man and you know he loves you and does cherish you despite pulling away, then don’t give up.
Especially if you admire him.
If you admire a man – it’s a good sign that you should stay. And sometimes, pulling away is something to admire him for.
However, this is my belief.
Don’t forget that you have your own values and you have to make your own choices in life. I’m just some woman who cares.
Here are some other good reasons to leave your boyfriend:
1) You didn’t get together because you fell in love. Many people get together out of laziness and convenience. If you are sensitive and honest with yourself, and you know you got together out of convenience, then think about whether it serves your growth and your partner’s growth to still be together.
Still consider that you can make a relationship work with anyone.
But getting together out of convenience is a lie to your soul and to his. It’s essentially avoiding being with and respecting the deeper desires of yourself.
2) You got together just to get something for yourself out of it. Now – when we fall in love, we give naturally.
If you both wanted to take from each other blindly from the beginning – without caring about how you affected the other partner’s feelings and well-being – it’s a sign the relationship started badly and inauthentically.
If there was never a stage where you felt courageously able to dare to do anything for your partner – that spells trouble.
Sometimes, women get together with a man simply for ‘in-between’ avoidance of her loneliness. This is an insult to the better man for her. I believe in staying open until we meet a good one – not just an in-between one.
Life is too short and already too painful to suffer through ‘a good enough man’ to avoid feeling some kind of pain – a pain which serves us to know ourselves and our true wants even deeper – and asking for nothing less.
Our biggest mistake when guys pull away
One big mistake that hurts us the most when men pull away?
The mistake of thinking that it’s a problem WE shouldn’t have.
Anthony Robbins one said from the stage; “Your biggest problem is that you think you shouldn’t have problems”.
It applies very much in this situation.
Because we are talking about a relationship with a man. Which is naturally fraught with problems and differences.
How to be smart and use the pain for good when he pulls away
The pain and fear our bodies feel when he pulls away is quite normal – we are built that way.
The pain we experience is normal.
But our anger and closing off to him is not natural.
It’s a pattern we choose to avoid feeling pain.
And if the first place we go is anger and defensiveness and closure of our bodies when he pulls away – we suffer.
But we suffer because the natural pain we feel when a man pulls away is there to remind us of our desire to connect – and connect a lot.
Your heart always wants connection
We used to be surrounded by people. We lived in tribes, for goodness sake.
It is normal to crave connection – only, we are too quick to think that it’s only a man’s connection that we crave. It’s deeper and deeper connection with humans in general.
If we feel that desire to connect – suddenly, we are powerful – because we are not avoiding – and from this place we can make choices to connect with other women, pets, and all sorts of different women and groups who would light up our lives.
But when we resist the pain – we cause him and ourselves endless suffering because we are refusing to honour who we really are.
We don’t want to be authentic and feel our natural drive to be intertwined with another human being deeper and deeper and deeper – no matter what ‘stuff’ comes up. Because it’s too real.
Because our egos get in the way – our fears also get in the way.
Like almost anything – the natural pain is asking and calling to be felt – because it is trying to serve us – to call us to be who we really are. Not who we think we should be.
So work with the pain, feel it openly and find alternative solutions to filling yourself up with a variety of sources of connection.
What we need is never the constant presence of a man.
What we need is true and real connections with human beings and animals and with ourselves.
We start by not making ourselves and our pain wrong – and not making our men wrong for being men. By the way, I’ve got this article on the signs you are in a healthy relationship.
Do you want to know what’s keeping your man from committing to you? Find out from the Commitment Masterclass, click here and register to watch for free.
Can you tell us more about your experiences with a man pulling away? Your experiences can really help other women to heal and understand themselves!
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