So truthfully, why does he pull away?

Sometimes when a man pulls away, it’s because there was no actual emotional attraction in the first place.

When there isn’t enough attraction and connection in a dating situation, things will fizzle out – no matter how much we want to hold on.

In these situations, when a man pulls away, it means that we should let it go.

Usually, when the relationship was based on sex and perhaps, just convenience in the beginning – it’s a good sign that he’s pulling away forever.

But very often, men pulling away isn’t a bad thing.

See my comprehensive article on why men pull away and how to deal with it as a high value woman…. Click here.

Women just think it is – because they think they shouldn’t have this problem in a relationship.

Further still, they think having this problem is wrong.

It’s not.

Remember, men pull away for good reasons.

Men pull away for very good reasons. Because it’s what they need to do to be true to their natural rhythm and equilibrium in their masculine body.

When men become involved with a relationship and go deeper, it’s natural to have them pull away – even after marriage and many years together.

Time together or marriage doesn’t guarantee a man will do what is convenient for us and convenient for our feelings.

A man pulling away – It’s a continuous thing that will happen over a woman’s lifetime if she chooses to be with a man.

With trust built up over the years, he may pull away less and less. Especially when he hasn’t got important things asking for his attention.

And yet – men still withdraw – it is a part of our man and woman journey together.

Click here to learn how to stay high value when your man withdraws and pulls away…

Understanding why men withdraw after getting close to you.

But will you ever be able to trust ANY man to be more responsive?

Yes, of course!

And yet – he will still pull away, he will just be more responsive if he trusts you.

The way to get a man to be more responsive is:

1) For trust to be built between the two of you; and

2) For you to communicate your need and appreciation for him to be close and to respond to you as soon as he can – so that you can also trust him. The tricky thing is that sometimes trust has to exist between you before you can get a favourable response from him to your needs.

Generally, a man will stay close to a woman if there is a lot of attraction and connection.

A part of an unbreakable connection is building trust.

It’s hard for women to trust men.

It’s also hard for men to trust women.

We all have many conflicting wants and interests. The lack of trust is normal – until it’s built up.

We want to take their resources – time, attention, money, commitment. That naturally requires that he trust us in order to give those precious resources.

Remember though – even when there IS trust – pulling away is a normal and natural part of being a man.

But when you trust him and he trusts you – you will feel less scared when he pulls away and it will feel like he pulls away less – because you have trust in him.

The important reasons why guys pull away, especially in the early stages?

There are several reasons why men pull away.

One major reason is biological – because men who are born more identified with masculine energy don’t base their identity on ‘relationship’ with a woman.

Instead, they base their identity – not always deliberately – on risk taking, and their individual capabilities.

Risk taking is a necessary endeavour for a masculine species. It’s what they must do in order to stand out to females and be worthy of reproduction. Research has shown that much more so in boys, risk taking behaviour lights up pleasure centres in their brain.

This starts very young.

I may try to get my 18 months old son to not jump off a 2 metre high ledge – but he still tries nonetheless while my heart is screaming in fear. Not only does he have absolutely no sense of danger, he seems to welcome it.

Closeness with a woman is good for some time for a man – until he needs to get back to his body’s natural rhythm and equilibrium. After all, we all have a bodily need to return to our natural state.

This is why pulling away for most men is normal.

Why does your boyfriend pulling away hurt so much?

Men pulling away hurts so much because we live in a feminine sphere where closeness is celebrated.

It hurts because we love them and closeness is our form of love.

But how often do we let ourselves surrender to the fact that it hurts because we love them?

And perhaps admit that to ourselves?

Often, we just get angry because he’s not present. We reject the part of ourselves that truly admires him and allows him to be a man so that we can have passion and desire him more.

Instead, our anger and resentment serves only to keep things safe (like they are in prison) and comfortable. Comfort isn’t good for a passionate relationship.

It’s good for boring relationships. (Which many people suffer from every single day.)

The danger comes when instead of acknowledging that we love them because that feels scary and weak – we use our anger to make them wrong, close off our love (pretend it didn’t affect us) and blame them for pulling away.

The damage of just reacting in anger or closing off

It’s dangerous because none of those things comes from the core of who we are. The core of us is authentic and feels the pain of him pulling away – it feels the loss and the anger and the hurt and the shock.

But not without the love.

We may feel anger and hurt and loss and shock – but a lot of women base their reactions only on these emotions and close off to the pleasure of their love and devotion for this man.

Let’s draw a comparison.

You know those annoying people who are chronic attention seekers?

Well, all feminine women deeply desire attention, and to be acknowledged and to have their deep radiance felt by men and women.

(Why does your boyfriend pulling away hurt so much? Click here and find out from this quiz.)

But chronic attention seekers are annoying to you – why?

Because they won’t allow the full spectrum of experience in their bodies.

They reject the true infinite radiance and beauty of themselves. They just can’t let themselves do that.

So they repetitively show up as people who want to ‘take’ from society.

Because they don’t surrender to the goddess that they already are.

So they become addicted to surface attention.

They want the attention of other people. it could be other women, it could be other women’s boyfriends or husbands.

In fact, better if it’s from an already ‘taken’ man – because the stakes are higher and that must mean she’s really irresistible if he’ll risk his woman’s happiness to give another woman attention.

They’re annoying because they don’t have honesty in expression.

But they don’t have honesty in expression because they won’t allow themselves to surrender to their true infinite capability in being feminine and radiant.

Because if she did do that – she’d still be exposed to younger, apparently more beautiful woman – and she’d have to be exposed to more pain…and so she resists and takes what she can before it becomes impossible to take anymore because she’s older.

Every woman has infinite radiance…

That’s right… every woman has infinite radiance.

But not every woman allows herself to be that – and so she stunts her value and annoys people with her ‘dabbling’ in feminine energy (attention seeking).

She doesn’t allow herself to be infinite and feel the full array of emotions. The true and real deeper cravings we have are often buried deeply in our bodies (vaginas, uterus, hearts).

It’s the same when we show up trying to ‘take’ from a man.

Instead of being honest, we just show anger – because we’re impulsive and like the thrill of being significant more than we value the true need for connection in our hearts.

This is one reason why men leave…

This is one reason why men leave. It’s essentially because we are repeatedly refusing to surrender to what’s true of our body and our heart (you can feel what’s in your heart by breathing deeply and getting away from your head).

If we are honest and sensitive – we know that we don’t only feel angry when a man pulls away.

We also love and care and surrender if we choose – to the emotions of emptiness and craving for HIM.

No man would truly want to leave a woman who can allow the full spectrum of feelings to happen without blaming him.

However, he would want to leave when we make wanting him wrong.

(And this type of internal conflict and emotional self sabotage is mean and unfair to yourself.)

It’s mean. It’s mean to deny our real wanting and our secret desire to trust him – those are the reasons why he would even be with a woman – unless he wants the ease and comfort of just a woman to exist in his house so he doesn’t have to be alone or look bad in front of family and friends being single so long.

Of course, men stay when they are truly trusted and wanted. Every woman intuitively knows this.

But not every woman prefers “outside-my-comfort-zone” passion to the comfort of self-inflicted suffering.

Guys leave when we make blame and anger the ONLY correct response…

Men also do want to leave when we make blaming him and getting angry the only right response to him pulling away.

But the blaming and the closing off to him to punish him – and the ‘revenge’ response where we say – ‘oh FINALLY you call’ when we does get in contact…those come from the masks we wear.

They are the sign we are dis-owning our natural essence as a woman and denying our natural craving for connection  with the person we love.

So what are the signs of him pulling away and not about to come back…

One of the biggest things women feel when a man pulls away is that he is taking her for granted.

Sometimes, that feeling has merit. Other times, we are just trying to avoid deeper emotions.

How do you know if a man is taking you for granted or not?

1) If you can feel that a man has regularly given you reason to trust him in the past (trust comes from your body/gut, not your head), then chances are, his pulling away is something that we need to respect and honour him for.

If a man has repeatedly broken your trust – then he probably is taking you for granted.

Only, that statement comes with a caveat – we can be quick to see where someone else is taking us for granted; but not quick enough to see where we are taking him for granted.

We can benefit from being sensitive to this caveat – otherwise we suffer in our tension filled pattern of thinking ‘he’s taking me for granted, I hate him!’.

After all, a lot of men feel taken for granted when women have problems with them withdrawing – ‘doesn’t she remember the beautiful moments we had just yesterday? Does she need me with her every second of the day?’

2) Has he given you reason to feel like he values you at all in the past? If so, then remember that even though you feel taken for granted…all women and men have to go through this period of change in their relationship if they are to stay together for the long term.

We often get too busy thinking he’s in the wrong for taking us for granted and forget to surrender to having problems and changes – that no woman is immune to in a relationship.

No woman is immune to men going quiet or pulling away.

From this place, we can then add new value in different ways to further enrich the relationship.

When he pulls away, should I do the same?

Related post: What to Do If He Takes You for Granted

And how to know when you should just give up on a man?

Good question.

I cannot give you a direct answer for this; as every person has different values.

My belief is that you do not ever give up on a man out of fear.

Leaving a man from fear is a weak and impulsive driver of our actions.

You give up on a man when you:

1) Don’t want to trust his masculine energy more than your own at all (because there’s no ecstasy in being with you for him – or for you)

2) You honestly can’t trust him. Trust means – trusting his capability to be in his masculine energy – trusting that he can take you in to consideration – and others in to consideration – when taking actions and making decisions.

If you genuinely admire a man and love a man and you know he loves you and does cherish you despite pulling away, then don’t give up.

Especially if you admire him.

If you admire a man – it’s a good sign that you should stay. And sometimes, pulling away is something to admire him for.

However, this is my belief.

Don’t forget that you have your own values and you have to make your own choices in life. I’m just some woman who cares.

Here are some other good reasons to leave your boyfriend:

1) You didn’t get together because you fell in love. Many people get together out of laziness and convenience. If you are sensitive and honest with yourself, and you know you got together out of convenience, then think about whether it serves your growth and your partner’s growth to still be together.

Still consider that you can make a relationship work with anyone.

But getting together out of convenience is a lie to your soul and to his. It’s essentially avoiding being with and respecting the deeper desires of yourself.

2) You got together just to get something for yourself out of it. Now – when we fall in love, we give naturally.

If you both wanted to take from each other blindly from the beginning – without caring about how you affected the other partner’s feelings and well-being – it’s a sign the relationship started badly and inauthentically.

If there was never a stage where you felt courageously able to dare to do anything for your partner – that spells trouble.

Sometimes, women get together with a man simply for ‘in-between’ avoidance of her loneliness. This is an insult to the better man for her. I believe in staying open until we meet a good one – not just an in-between one.

Life is too short and already too painful to suffer through ‘a good enough man’ to avoid feeling some kind of pain – a pain which serves us to know ourselves and our true wants even deeper – and asking for nothing less.

Our biggest mistake when guys pull away

One big mistake that hurts us the most when men pull away?

The mistake of thinking that it’s a problem WE shouldn’t have.

Anthony Robbins one said from the stage; “Your biggest problem is that you think you shouldn’t have problems”.

It applies very much in this situation.

Because we are talking about a relationship with a man. Which is naturally fraught with problems and differences.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

How to be smart and use the pain for good when he pulls away

The pain and fear our bodies feel when he pulls away is quite normal – we are built that way.

The pain we experience is normal.

But our anger and closing off to him is not natural.

It’s a pattern we choose to avoid feeling pain.

And if the first place we go is anger and defensiveness and closure of our bodies when he pulls away – we suffer.

But we suffer because the natural pain we feel when a man pulls away is there to remind us of our desire to connect – and connect a lot.

Your heart always wants connection

We used to be surrounded by people. We lived in tribes, for goodness sake.

It is normal to crave connection – only, we are too quick to think that it’s only a man’s connection that we crave. It’s deeper and deeper connection with humans in general.

If we feel that desire to connect – suddenly, we are powerful – because we are not avoiding – and from this place we can make choices to connect with other women, pets, and all sorts of different women and groups who would light up our lives.

But when we resist the pain – we cause him and ourselves endless suffering because we are refusing to honour who we really are.

We don’t want to be authentic and feel our natural drive to be intertwined with another human being deeper and deeper and deeper – no matter what ‘stuff’ comes up. Because it’s too real.

Because our egos get in the way – our fears also get in the way.

Like almost anything – the natural pain is asking and calling to be felt – because it is trying to serve us – to call us to be who we really are. Not who we think we should be.

So work with the pain, feel it openly and find alternative solutions to filling yourself up with a variety of sources of connection.

What we need is never the constant presence of a man.

What we need is true and real connections with human beings and animals and with ourselves.

We start by not making ourselves and our pain wrong – and not making our men wrong for being men.

Do you want to know what’s keeping your man from committing to you? Find out from the Commitment Masterclass, click here and register to watch for free.

Also see my comprehensive article on why men pull away and how to deal with it as a high value woman…. Click here.

Click here to learn how to stay high value when your man withdraws and pulls away…

Can you tell us more about your experiences with a man pulling away? Your experiences help other women.

email_polaroid

 

P.S. Please share more of your own experiences with men pulling away… because your experiences may just help and inspire other women.

 

See Related Articles…

142 Comments

  • Marlow says:

    Your articles always leave me teary-eyed, Renee. They are full of brilliant and compassionate insights. You speak of being authentic, you speak of trusting in the infinite perfection of the universe to give back what we put in. You speak of having a pure open hearted connection and leaving our fears at the door. This article made me cry. And I think it’s because it rang so true. We all want to be admired and trusted. I feel like whenever a man fell in love with me, it was after he revealed something shameful to me and I just accepted it as part of where he was on his journey of life. I just offered my support, and a hug, and to be whatever they might need. They expected me to shame them and ridicule them and abuse them and leave them. But because I let them be themselves, they felt safe with me, and drawn into me, and like they needed me. I didn’t try and stuff them into a box that I wanted them to be in to help me create my version of a perfect relationship. I just let them show up as they were. Sometimes the way that was wasn’t as someone I chose to continue a relationship with. This way of relating took a lot of soul searching, and a lot of heart break. It took me examining my basic assumptions and beliefs, and truly moving forward in the spirit of openness. I feel like I have grown, and for that I feel enormous gratitude. That is where my tears some from. 🙂

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Marlow! What a lovely story you share, and picture you paint. I loved reading it. You take care.

  • Andros says:

    If I could give one big piece of advice it would be when a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason.

    If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s.

    If it’s really bugging you, there’s an amazing guide by Slade Shaw. He shows you why men lose interest and how to stop him from wanting to pull away. Here is a direct link to his video and guide: www.WhyHePulls.com

  • Ashara Dayne says:

    Why is this avoidant behavior being characterized all over the internet as ‘normal’? It is NOT. Read up on attachment theory to find the truth. 25% of men are like this, and being married to one is torture. Just dump em.

  • p.taylor says:

    Hello, my fiancee give me a ring. We was looking at getting married nextyear. I came to a realization that I was a convenient around him. He was to controlling and wanted to have his way. When I begin to show him that I didn’t like the way he acted and flirted around other women online and in public. He begin to blame me of being to jealous and controlling. Well he broke up with me sad he was just going to find himself and be along. Come to find out he moved in some female he knew from high school. I believe he feel that getting women attention is buying into there friendship as if this is a way to keep them happy. He was a good provider but wants total control. I’ve moved on but I really believe that he was not ready to comment in any relationship because he carries to much pass and can’t seem to want to be with one women. He’s a great guy and all and until this day still wants to provide for me. I believe that the Love and close ness are still there but he need to wake up from this pattern because its not healthy or happy to continue pulling women into his loanly problem and playing emotional games. I wanted ti give him the ring back and he told me to keep it. Could someone provide me some feedback to why he choose to provide for me financially though we’re not together.

  • bnkg204 says:

    As a man I must say this is one of the best articles I have read on the issue of men pulling away. This was a very well written piece that all women MUST read. Thank you for tackling this very misunderstood issue.

  • Sherry White says:

    Found out a guy who I was secretly in love with for 9’years also had feelings for me. He reached out to me first and we connected immediately (even though We had been aquentinces) . Intense chemistry, he was telling me within weeks that he was falling for me, that he would go through his horrible divorce all over again of it meant being with me, how beautiful I am, how refreshing it is to have someone who gets his large family and who already knows them, included me in days with his daughter, we slept together 2x, he would meet me for 10 minutes at the grocery store just to steal a kiss. I felt so adored and wanted and desired. Then he turned it all off. Said he got scared and wanted to slow down. It didn’t slow down it stopped. I’ve seen him for an hour in the last month and he wouldn’t even sit next to me on the couch. He swears that he meant everything that he said before but just wants to slow down and really cares about me. I don’t know how to act now. He said to act like myself but I can’t do that because then it would be one sided. I HATE having to hold back. I want things back the way they were. What do I do? I need a males perspective if any of you ladies can ask your husbands advice… I feel desperate as I finally at age 40 feel like I’ve found my soul mate. We just completely get each other and have the same sense of Humor. I adore him… Please help. I don’t want to lose him

  • Dave says:

    As an older man, I’m not sure if I can explain what’s happening and how relationships have changed over the past 40 years or so. Young men, like my son and his friends, view relationships differently from their fathers and are in the process of changing the relationship landscape forever.
    In my day, marriage was assumed and divorce was rare. Today, divorce is assumed, along with alimony and marriage, is to be avoided at all costs.
    Your boyfriends might not be pulling away from you as much as they are pulling away from a society that views them as disposable utilities.
    Young men today have access to information that didn’t exist in my day and they have seen the statistics on a divorce culture that permeates your generation.
    As my son recently said to me, no co-habitation and no marriage equals no divorce and no alimony.
    Other than the biological attraction that men have for women, most men have been over loaded with the ongoing mantra of the war on women and men bad/woman good. All you need to do is watch any show on tv and you will see what I am talking about.
    In my day it was accepted that women change their minds more than men and that was fine with everyone.
    The problem with changing your mind is that women are now divorcing their husbands because they have grown to dislike the very qualities that attracted her to him in the first place.
    Young men have seen their fathers and uncles destroyed in family court and will not willingly put themselves in the same position of vulnerability.
    On the other hand, independence is a good thing and like it or not, it is the wave of the future.
    Think of it positively and be grateful for all the money you want have to spend on wedding gowns.

    • Joanne Rae Meehan says:

      good food for thought dave. my partner is 53 and divorced twice. so having his assetts split twice, and in second marriage time splitting with his son. i commend his bravery for taking the courage to still take the risk for seeking companionship with me. (who has also experienced both divorce once and child access splitting) we reassure each other that our assetts and finances are to remain our own, and up to self choices made for how much is shared towards gifts and/or meals etc neither of us want each other to be in our past experiences ever again, of being slaughtered.same going for communication style. after a year and a half i was surprised to find myself battling with analysing and second guessing the vanish of regular phone calls made. i continued living my full life, dropping a text once in a while, leaving him his space, but totally losing my composure inside and crying to my friends out of lack of knowledge in men land of thinking. was beginning to convince myself i had to let him go and/or maybe he’d found interest in someone else and didnt love me anymore. when he finally called i was totally wrong! he was just sorting out his life! had landed a new job which required some immediate study certificate and he immersed himself into it. he couldve just sent a quick text to let me know but maybe he wanted to surprise me with its completion- who knows! no ones perfect! i almost couldve thrown away a beautiful man out of fears and dellusional anxieties. i also feel like i have worked out something else. some of us women like our lives but want a relationship to add the finishing touches of joy. and so when a man comes into our life we get excited by the ATTENTION! as more times of attention are added – we are addicted to the flattery and attention. we are drunk on ‘love’ but how much of it is the man himself, and how much is it in love with having the attention. now a man is human too and wants someone genuinely in love with HIM. maybe sometimes the ‘pulling away’ is gods test as to how much do you really want this man in particular? or is it addiction to the attention. by drying up the drug fixes of so much attention, the truth will come out. if its really the guy himself, a woman will be patient to wait out the time frame for the mans return. otherwise if the addiction to attention is stronger, the woman will go off looking to find her next fix somewhere else, hence giving the man the answer to his worry – is this woman really interested in him? or is only until the attention wanes and the feelings of getting some kind of high, is fading. so sometimes its not a male flaw – its a womans flaw of attention addictions that need to be considered. excitement doesnt equivelate to love. love is love on its own in the peace and serenity of true bonding to do with the actual people as individuals as who they are

  • RamboAmy86 says:

    I think there is a difference between a natural pull away and an uncomfortable/bad pull away.

    But I also think that men who really care about you will not pull away very much. They may want a day or two alone (natural pull away) but they don’t fade out on you and give you bad vibes (uncomfortable/bad pull away). My experience has always been that the guys that wanted me the most never pulled away, no matter how close we got.

    My first real serious college boyfriend was always on the same page with me from beginning to end, we never had any weird pull away moments. And I was never concerned if we went a day without speaking or if he missed a text because he built that trust with me. But my other ex, he did that uncomfortable pull away and it felt off, I was concerned, worried, and paranoid. He told me I was crazy and clingy until I found out he was pulling away because he was entertaining multiple other women. My friend caught him out on a date with another woman. And I went through his phone while he was sleep and saw she wasn’t the only one.

    The guy I’m planning to end things with is obviously a bad pull away too which means I have to get rid of him once and for all. He’s burning hot one minute, giving me lots of attention and affection and then cold like a brick wall in Antarctica ignoring me completely or giving one word answers hours later. I personally can not deal with this anymore. We’ve been seeing each other for 9 months now. Last month, he disappeared for 4 weeks. Came back like I was the love of his life or something. Talking about how much he missed me, how wonderful I am and how he can’t wait to hear about what’s been going on in my life. Apologized for being distant, blamed it on work. I was very short with him and took days to respond but eventually gave in because I had feelings for him and wanted to believe him. We went out to dinner, took a walk in the park, and ended up back at his apartment (bad idea). The very next few days… cold silence. He spent weeks trying to get me back, seemed so excited about what I was doing everyday and then after one night together turned cold. No longer interested in how my day is going, taking hours and days to reply to texts. Just last week he was answering me within a minute but after our night together it took hours and days. I was already really upset about him disappearing the first time so naturally I went off on him for doing this again and of course, he ignored that.

    I’m not going to apologize or feel bad for being upset. I’m tired of articles making women feel like our emotions are wrong. It hurts when someone you care about is using you or doesn’t seem to care enough about you to think about how they make you feel. And I have every right to be upset with him just as much as I am upset with myself. But I blocked his number so I’m hoping this will help me move on. Actually, I know this will help me move on. As long as he can’t reach me, I’ll be fine!

  • Matthew Coast says:

    Good stuff… blaming a man for the relationship problems you’re experiencing is definitely the fastest way for a man to think that you’re not relationship material.

    • RamboAmy86 says:

      But when do men ever take responsibility for their actions? At some point you guys need to realize that you play an equal role in the deterioration of relationships. I always take responsibility for my actions so when do men admit, “Hey, I’m also to blame as well.” Society has taught me that their behavior is excusable. The focus is always on women learning to adjust and change her behavior and blaming women for men pulling away but its never the other way around. It’s sad that men are taught that a woman being concerned about a man disappearing means she is bad relationship material. The funny thing is that when ever I pulled away from a man, he flipped out and damn near had a heart attack. Funny how men can’t take what they dish out.

  • troubled girl says:

    I don’t know if someone could give me an advice, or maybe i’ll be criticized but i need to tell someone my storry.
    It’s a bit large so i apologize but it’s because of how complicated things are.
    Three years ago i started working as a girl of “company” ( i don’t really like the other words that describe this job). On my sixth month i met Him. At first he was just one of my best clients. But we got to talk a lot and start knowing each other, so we fell in love. He says he fell in love first and that’s why he did his best to know me better. After 8 months he asked me out on a real date. At first i refused because he had told me that he was married and i thaugt it was better not to complicate our lives. But he kept come to see me and insisted till i finally said yes
    Everything after that happened very quickly. After only one month he swore to me he had never felt such love in his life not even for his wife and soon after that told me that he wanted to leave his wife to be with me. He invented work travels so during the week he could be with me and told me that by june (this was happening in november) as soon as his son starts his summer hollydays he will leave her
    The problem with all this was that financially he couldn’t support me, i had troubles finding a new job so i kept working. He was hurting like hell but didn’t say anything. Sometimes when he felt he couldn’t stand it anymore he got mad and we fought but always got back together that same night or the next day. But after valentines day things got worse. He couldn’t deal with my work anymore and i was hurting like hell when he was with his wife so when we were together we were really happy but when separated we fought a lot
    In may he had made his decision to break up with me. But before he could say anything i got ill and needed surgery. So he stood by my side. And we lived an almost perfect love till i went back to work. But this time because of my surgery i worked only as the person in charge of the business.
    It all changed in july when his wife found out about me. And that was when the nightmare begun. He freaked out and started to pull away from me. We had a very bad period of time. His wife threatened him to tell what he had done to all his family and friends and swore to him he’ll never see his son again. So he told her he broke up with me. And he did, a few months later when all our relationship had become only fighting and reproching things to each other.
    But we still couldn’ t keep away from each other so we decided to stay friends. Mean while i had found a new job, a normal one but he said i did it too late. But being friends didn’t last long because we still loved each other too much so we did all we could to keep seeing each other (besides sending each other texts all day long). But he freaked out again and broke up with me for the second time saying he was very confused and knew that he hurt me because he wasn’t able to promise me anything (because of my past and the pain i caused him and because of his son). But we only lasted 2 days without speaking to each other and started seeing each other again. Short dates 2 times a week to talk, walk and kiss (a lot). He is not looking for me to have sex. It’s been a month and a half since we last made love. He says that he still loves me that he can’t stay away from me and he is sure he will never be happy again without me but he needs time to clear his thaughts to make sure he will be able to leave my past behind
    I don’t know if it’s just an excuse but knowing him the way i know him he seems honest to me
    At the same time i sometimes think that it would be best if we could break any connection for good and go our separate ways. The problem is we are not strong enough
    I wellcome any advice (of there really is someone out there pacient enough to read all this)

  • Christina Wilding says:

    Would if children were involved??????÷!!! EVEN AS CLOSE FRIENDS FOR A COUPLE Of YEARS!!! Four children involved…..one mine, three his. My daughter and his daughter in same school and class. Last time I heard from him waS a text messge New Years Eve….told me he was still working. The guy is 47…..it sucks for me….but my child wants to know what happened to him….and wants to play with his daughter. Not only that…his daughter and my daughter taLk in class and tell each other they want to play.
    Im baffled…hurt

  • Rima says:

    ok, let him pull, i don’t need him anymore, neither him nor any other man. I don’t need the love of another person, my love for myself suffices me!!

  • baines_harry says:

    If I could give one big piece of advice it would be when a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason.

    If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s.

    If it’s really bugging you, there’s an amazing guide by Slade Shaw. He shows you why men lose interest and how to stop him from wanting to pull away. Here is a direct link to his video and guide: tinyurl.com/WhyHePulls

    • Michelle says:

      I remember when my husband and I moved in together, after about a month he pulled away for a bit. He wasn’t really rude about it but i think he just needed some space. I think he was just getting tired of me, like it was romance overload. I ended up burying myself in my own hobbies for a while and I think he ultimately appreciated me for giving him space. I think it’s hard in the moment but if the girl enjoys some time to pursue her own interests for a bit and waits for the man to resume more of the relationship it works out better. Pressuring him would just push him away more but obsessing about him and worrying about him isn’t good for her. Some men really pull away because they’re trying to break up but don’t want to do the dirty work of dumping her. Whether he’s pulling away because he needs some independence or he’s just not that interested in her, I think it’s best for the girl to have some time to enjoy her independence as well. She’ll know soon enough how interested he is in her because he will want to become closer again soon if he likes her and she gives him the space he needs.

  • BarnsleyKate99 says:

    When a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason.

    If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s.

    If it’s really bugging you, there’s an amazing guide by Slade Shaw. He shows you why men lose interest and how to stop him from wanting to pull away. Below is a direct link to his video and guide:

    tinyurl.com/pullawayguide

  • BarnsleyKate99 says:

    Found this article through google.com and glad I did now. Sooo helpful. Thanks!

  • 活在這紛擾世上誰還不是精神病? says:

    Albeit having a few good points, like how a lot of people get together out of fear and convenience…This article is still a bunch of bull, full of stereotypical and narrow-minded statements, putting both genders in restrictive and unrealistic categories. For instance, what do you mean by masculine energy, and why do you only allow men to have it? What I see often is women taking on responsibilities like a boss, be it a family, a child, or their partner’s fears and pains, they don’t avoid it, and they are willing to go through the pain despite how much effort it takes, that ability to take on difficult tasks is full of strength and very masculine.

    In the article you mentioned, “No woman is immune to men going quite and pulling away”, more like no loving partner is immune to someone they love going quite and pulling away, it’s natural response to someone who you care about. A normal human being’s response to this should be to show concern and close the gap, if they don’t, they clearly don’t care enough, or they probably have their own set of alternative values, which doesn’t translate well in the real world, my advice to these groups would be :”please improve your relationship skills, no one is there for you forever, cherish the one’s that are supporting you, ungrateful dimwits.”

    No one ever needs the constant presence of other, No matter men to men, women to men, men to women, or women to women, the constant connection only happens if one is willing to put in the effort. It’s all effort. Real connections stop being real connections if one can just go off weeks without any prior notice, and leave people who care about them panicking over nothing, sounds like plain disrespect and contempt to me( some moody teenage behavior). If you have a problem with the level of closeness you’re experiencing, use your brain and open your mouth and discuss about it. Not comfortable speaking? write a letter, use email, carve on the wall, text, message, or just be alone, Is this really not common sense? Is it really that difficult to tell the reason to a person who you claimed to love? I can seriously laugh at how some people delude themselves.

    To all the people out there suffering from this kind of chronic disappearing act, it’s manipulative, disrespectful and sad, so please call out the cowardice, don’t play along these funny games which aren’t even funny, life is too short to be with someone who’s not willing to make the most of it with you.

    • Jeannine Gallagher says:

      Thank you! I won’t chase a man ever!

    • RamboAmy86 says:

      Exactly! Also, can we all admit that pulling away really isn’t that normal in strong and solid relationships? Looking back, I realize that my best relationships did not involve a man pulling away from me. Maybe having a day or two to himself for alone time, sure, but pulling away and creating real emotional distant? No…it’s not normal and yes there is a problem…any time that happened to me, another woman was involved.

      • Madelyn says:

        there’s a guy younger than me, very romantic, considerate, big heart, is looking for a girlfriend, he doesnt have alot of responsibility lives with his parents still. I hav kids and I want someone that is financially stable to take care of themselves first. I was honest and don’t want to get hurt or hurt him and if I get too close as friends I may want more. I told him maybey we shouldn’t talk and he didn’t understand what he did wrong. He hasn’t called me back. We work together, I want to be his friend, and since he hasn’t called I have a pain in my heart.

  • Jessica Sanchez says:

    I been dating this man for 1yr he has pulled away from me 3x. The first two times I felt like I did something wrong to him cuz I never had any man pulled away from me before it was new and I seeked for answers. Right now I’m going through it which is the 3rd I reached out to him so he can see I care but its something that for us women need to get use to if we want our men in our life’s I respect him and my best way to cope with it its to just leave it alone. Its still a learning process for me but I will get there.

  • Brain Adams says:

    How To Win Your EX Back

    This was even faster than I could dream of, Dr Ben (okosisi.temple@gmail.com) Thank you for taking time to listen to me and answering all my emails. I feel emotional strong again. My confidence is back and I see my future clearly. I am forever grateful for your help for re-uniting me with my old lover.

  • Elaine Melendez says:

    The best and only way for women to not find themselves hurting or asking why when a man pulls away is to NOT sleep with then until he has not only stated his intentions, but has proven you are both in an exclusive relationship! Anything else will leave you feeling used, confused, regretful, and heartbroken when he does pull away and you were assuming you were in a relationship when it was never discussed…mostly out of fear that you would scare him off.

    Point is, don’t give a man your body until he has proven his heart is truly yours.

    I pray I have FINALLY learned this lesson and that I am able to never let another man get the best of me because I was scared to ask the right questions from say one. Men will take what we give up freely so stop and make them earn it! Prove you are of high value to yourself so he can respect and appreciate that of you.

    Good luck ladies.

  • Butterfly Queen says:

    Renee:
    I want to thank you for this post. I am going through this now with the man in my life who I love deeply (I believe he loves me as well). We have been through a bit of a rough patch but he wanted to reconcile and we have. We have been going along very well for the last three months until now—he has been out of contact for a week which is quite long for him. I have a feeling that the cause of his distance is his mom who has a substance abuse problem. I sent him a compassionate text to reach out and see if everything is okay. It hasn’t been long since I sent the message but I haven’t heard back. I was prepared to throw in the towel before I read this post.

    This post helped me to see that the pain that I am in is a reflection of my love—and throwing in the towel to avoid the pain can be detrimental. I am not sure how long to wait but I don’t want to act from a place of fear.

    Thank you again for helping us to understand our hearts and the hearts of the men we love.

  • Zee says:

    Thank you Renee! This article is exactly what i needed to read. I feel so much more at ease now. You’re such a gem! Continue to inspire and spread the love to women around the world
    .

  • Chrms Ever says:

    I met a guy at a club we started talking then I dropped him off to his apartment I went with him to hang out but didn’t give my self, he showed me affection or signals that he wants me trying to kiss me i let him kiss me on the cheek but didn’t ask me a lot of questions. then, when i wanted to go home bec it was getting too late he wanted me to stay i said its boring to be not doing anything in there and i wanted a better conversation from him but he seemed tired not able to communicate well with me. He likes to hold my hand as if we’re steady. My feelings was growing with some doubts. So after he walked me to my car he gave me another kiss on the cheek. And didn’t get my no. The next time I was out at a bar he showed up just few steps in front of me waiting for him to approach me and talk and get my no to hopefully start a relationship if he wants too. I’m starting to like him but there was something missing. I let the him do his role and ask me out or anything but I feel like he wanted me to show him i care about him or I feel the same way towards hi. I held myself back not to kiss him on the first meet. I let him hold my hand as we walked but he didn’t show more than his affection towards me. Does he just want a one nightstand. I asked him what he wants from me but he didn’t answer. Pls respond. Thank u.

  • Elizabeth Bella Jane says:

    After being in relationship with morgan for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drbhabumenrespellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything he also help me to win $500,000:00 for lotto game.I CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL: drbhabumenrespellhome@gmail.com

  • esmee says:

    yeah, I gave him his space. No, I did not cling or showed needy by constantly texting or calling, I only responded and after him initiating text a couple of times I always initiated once, to show my interest in stead of being aloof. Yeah I made him chase. Yeah he does what he says, does not ignore. But now I see him online all the time, and he has not taken the effort just to ask how I am doing for over a week. Yeah I admire him, yeah I look up to him. But with this attitude of his it will degrade. Because I am worth more than a text once in a week?? Then you say Renee, with al respect, when he comes back texting, be happy and act if you didn’t wait for it because you have your own life. Hell I do have my own life. But with this behavior he is luring me into his life without me wanting it, and takes my happiness away from the life I have. Well, I can act like nothing matters 1 or 2 times, but still it pisses me off. Sure, I will put on a mask just like his ignoring me doesn’t matter. I’ll tell you how this will end. Doing these things may make a guy feel better in the moment, reclaiming his space and manhood, but when we women are fed up and move on, then they become aware what they have lost. Its a pity that men have this character that our radiance must be present for them all the time. I am sorry for not being radiant when I am sick, or tired or just feel like being passive once in a while and letting him lead. I cannot be a fun happy face all the time. It depends on the circumstances. He also has a part in this! Please grow up men, and be aware that what you liked at first is not gone when we show you our love and how much we like being with you that we initiate something. It is not gone when intimacy is shared. Men should learn to trust that the (the good) woman they were attracted to in the first place is still there and will show again. I am tired of doing all the radiant work over and over again, a man should be in my life to make it easier for me, to lean back! Not being a challenge all the time. Just as he may expect the same from me! All this tactiques and strategies are killing it for me. Once in a while it is doable but not this. Don’t want it anymore is it has to be this way. Life is hard enough without it

    • Warrior Princes says:

      You are a real woman! Your story is the depiction of reality. Men pull away likely out of ‘fear’ of intimacy, which they will never communicate, and/or to drive down any [even imaginary] expectations a woman might have.
      I was at BerkshireHathaway’s annual meeting this year, and I was shocked to hear Warren Buffet himself say: “The best partner is not who’s the most intelligent or has good looks. The best partner is the one with low expectations.”

      But if you are fed up with the male tricks, and the ‘feminine woman’ is not working… Take a look at the book “Why Men Love BITCHES” (p.s.: it stands for Babe-In-Total-Control-of-Herself). It does not negate all of Feminine Woman stuff, but gives you far better tools to deal with the opposite sex.

    • 活在這紛擾世上誰還不是精神病? says:

      hooray for the rational beings in the comment section.

    • Jeannine Gallagher says:

      I totally agree with ya ! Games are for children. If a man keeps pulling away or ceases contact, eventually the woman that held out for him, showed him how much she cared, and poured her heart out to him will give up.

    • RamboAmy86 says:

      I LOVE your post!

      I hate when people make us women out to be women who don’t have lives of our own as if we are not independent enough. Excuse me, but I work full-time in a demanding career, I run a freelance business on the side. I have friends and family, I like my alone time, and I have hobbies…I am the definition of an independent woman. However, some of these men are emotionally inept and take women for granted until they get fed up with them. We need to stop blaming women or teaching women that we are the ones who need to change. No one is ever writing articles telling men that their behavior is wrong.

      I did the same thing you did! I gave him space and because I work and have friends, I did not always respond quickly, it wasn’t a game, I was really busy and even still, this man was hot and cold, vanishing and reappearing. This isn’t about me….this is about him and what ever confusion he has going on. This is about his inability to communicate or make up his mind. If you don’t want me then don’t talk to me, it’s that simple.

  • esmee says:

    yeah, I gave him his space. No, I did not cling or showed needy by constantly texting or calling, I only responded and after him initiating text I always texted once, to show my interest in stead of being aloof. Yeah I made him chase. Yeah he does what he says, does not ignore. But now I see him online all the time, and he has not taken the effort just to ask how I am doing for over a week. Yeah I admire him, yeah I look up to him. But with this attitude it will degrade. Because I am worth more than a text once in a week. Then you say, when he comes back texting, be happy and act if you didn’t wait for it. Well, I can do this 1 or 2 times, but still it pisses me off. Sure, I will put on a mask just like his ignoring me doesn’t matter. I’ll tell you how this will end. Doing these things may make a guy feel better in the moment, reclaiming his space and manhood, but when we women are fed up and move on, then they become aware what they have lost. Its a pity that men have this character that our radiance must be present for them all the time. I am sorry for not being radiant when I am sick, or tired. Please grow up men, and be aware that what you liked at first is not gone when we show you our love and how much we like being with you that we initiate something. Men should learn to trust that the woman they were attracted to in the first place is still there and will show again. I am tired of doing all the radiant work, a man should be in my life to make it easier for me, to lean back! Not being a challenge all the time. Just as he may expect the same from me! All this tactiques and strategies are killing it for me. Don’t want it anymore is it has to be this way. Life is hard enough without it.

  • Jadonna Newmoney Campbell says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years…he has cheated on me once pregnant and acquired an std …his ex girlfriend also called up until the beginning of June before I told her husband…he also is on tagged and pod trying to meet woman and chill..when I mention these things he tells me he just chopping it up..and he loves me but every time we
    are out he is always checking out other woman as well..I have never cheated on him..and I always forgive him..and try to give the trust back.and it keeps getting breached ..recently he just broke up with me..moved back to mothers house and told me he is tired of living paycheck to paycheck..he doesn’t see marriage for us right now..but still comes around..sleeps over because we have children…still tells me he loves me..and when another man gives me attention he is downright jealous I love him and despite all the bullshit I still want to be with him I need some real insight on this what should I do or what steps to take..because I’m lost?

  • georginaarnold54@gma says:

    After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with
    me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I
    wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him
    with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem
    to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell
    caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the
    type that don’t believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I
    meant a spell caster called dr clement and I email him, and he told me
    there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days,
    that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast a powerful spell
    on my ex and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm, My ex
    called me, surprisingly, I answered the call and all he said was that
    he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me back to
    him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was
    how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made
    promise that anybody that has a relationship problem, he we be a help to
    such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell
    caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all
    the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell
    caster, his email:drakugbespellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you
    need his assistance in your relationship or any kind of problem, thank
    you once again dr for bring my husband back to me .I can never stop
    talking about you sir you can email him for your own help his email is
    drakugbespellhome@gmail.com

  • Heidi says:

    Hi, I think my ex-boyfriend was a huge “commitment phobe” and I really need help to accept it and have peace with it. And to move on. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for half a year. We had really good chemistry and had a really good times together frequently laughing and having good conversations. The sex was really good too. Moreover, we didn’t have frequent conflicts..but whenever one of us made the other person upset we were good at apologizing to each other and becoming good again. But then after about 6 months things started to change a bit..I noticed that the more fun we had and the more we connected *emotionally* the harder it seemed to get to see him. He always had a good excuse for only being able to see each other once a week. (I let it be like thise for 2-3 month without complaining. I also was ok with not talking with him for 3 days at a time) But recently I got an oppertunity to rent a two-bedroom apartment and I asked him if he thought we should try and live together and after I mentioned this he said no, and that we were going to fast. After this we went two weeks without seeing each other (I needed space because I was upset) and he also didn’t contact me at all. Then, finally we met just recently and we agreed before hand that we wanted to meet and talk about things in order to still make it work. That didn’t happen at ALL though. The opposite happened. I got confirmation for my intuition that he has been backing off since our relationship got better and better. He said that it freaked him out. Moreover, he got even more freaked by out last conversation where I talked honestly and openly about my future desire to create a family and he started to look like a small rolled-up ball about to fall off my sofa. He told me that he didn’t want to waste my time as he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted a family etc. However, we agreed it was too early to end it and that we need to give it time. The rest of the night he was quite cold, mean, and had much rejection towards me. So, I ended up breaking up with him the next day for his very bad behavior towards me. Now, I am quite crushed. I don’t know how to accept such an experience and move on rightfully. Please help.

    • RamboAmy86 says:

      I hope you left him for good! This man will send you on a never ending roller coaster because of his own confusion. Some people really are afraid of things that are too good for them. I personally know both women and men who left people who were good to them. My guy seemed to back away when things were too good too. The nicer and more caring I was to him, the more he’d become distant and cold. I love to cook but he never wanted me to cook for him. Anytime we connected and had deep conversations, he’d disappear. But when I disappear, it seems to be the only time he cares. Only in my absence does he tell me how much he cares about me and how wonderful I am…never when I am around. He is cold when I am available and in love when I am not. One time he started ignoring me after we had a beautiful night together. I told him I didn’t want him in my life anymore. He called me 15 times in a row, begging me not to leave. When I came back, he started ignoring me again. I finally blocked him…I hope to move on from this. Best of luck to you!

  • Rocky says:

    Pulling away or being pushed away? Its important women understand their role in this dynamic.My experience is that women want to offload their problems onto me continually; sometimes their unresolved anger from their lives also gets focused on me and I need to get a way for a while to reset. While I want to be supportive this is usually a one way street and it gets tiring and overwhelming. I am not your therapist. I am willing to listen to your problems for a while but ensure that they are problems, getting a run in your nylons at work doesn’t even make it onto my radar. My attention to your issues is limited; spend it wisely. Oh, and maybe ask me how my day was once in a while. try calling your girlfriends to vent over the superfluous stuff. Men don’t like listening to problems we cannot solve – it is a waste of our time and is frustrating.

    • RamboAmy86 says:

      You date emotionally unstable and overly sensitive women. You need to figure out why you choose women like this. I am a woman and I hardly ever talk about my problems to my partner, it’s very rare. We mostly talk about fun or interesting topics and share our opinions. My guess is that you don’t like dating very confident and educated women and you tend to go for the “damsel in distress” types which leads you to these type of situations.

      • Rocky says:

        I think many women are just that. i am now with a much more balanced partner but she identified heavily with her father as a child and exhibits what i consider to be more masculine traits emotionally. My partner is an MD with several post-grad degrees and has attended ivy league schools like Yale/Harvard – so she is the very definition of educated and confident. She doesn’t run on emotions as much as most of the women I’ve met.

    • JosephineBakerStreet says:

      I know some women suck, but it sounds like you have a better dynamic with men. Maybe you should date one. You can hold hands while solving problems in silence.

      • Rocky says:

        Actually have found a woman who I get along well with. We have a lot in common as well as drive/ambition. Unfortunately she is a veritable needle in a haystack – took a long time to find her. Speaking when you actually have something to say is a talent rare among many women unfortunately.

  • Sofia Ray says:

    Your article helps me a lot cos it helps me to understand my bf too. He has pulled away due to his personal issues. I come across your website at the right time.

  • Lily Wakim says:

    Really lovely insight. XO. Thank you

  • Trilby16 says:

    Sorry but I have to address this and I’m not on-board. The guy I’ve been involved with pulls a disappearing act every few weeks and it’s just plain rude. If he wants time alone to do his man shit, fine! But how long does it take to send a friendly text? “Hi! I remember you exist!” How hard is that?

    During his most recent pull-away, which is still happening, a few days went by and I thought, OK, what would be so terrible about making a nice offer to him? I texted, wanna come over for a diet dinner and 2 Lyp Sync battles? He agreed. I was happy. Then he crapped out at the last minute. So I bided my time and a few more days went by. I texted him with just one tiny bit of news, no pressure, no demand, and HE responded, “Can I come up tonight?” (We live in the same building.) I was so happy I burst into tears, on the subway.

    So I texted him when I got home “I’m home, come up any time.” No answer. I texted him, do you want dinner. Because it was dinner time and I was hungry! No answer. I waited some more. Now a couple of hours had gone by. I texted “Welp, maybe some other time. You know where I am. I’m tired and now grumpy. G’night.” NO ANSWER!

    The next day I was still fuming, but then I thought, why not take it easy on the guy? So I texted him “Everything ok? You missed a yummy dinner.” And he responded “Sorry I fell asleep.” Hm… fell asleep between asking me if he could come up at 6:30 and being invited up at 7:30? That’s hard to believe, number one, and if it’s true, the rudeness is hard to fathom.

    I’ve removed his contact information from my phone now, and this is what I really want to say– WHY must women always give a pass to the asshole men, no matter what kind of shit they pull? I don’t know about you. but I’m not that desperate! I’d rather enjoy my own company than suck up the rudeness and abuse that comes with ceding every power to man. I’m done. I’m out!

    • 活在這紛擾世上誰還不是精神病? says:

      good riddance!

    • Jean Ng says:

      BRAVO girl !

    • RamboAmy86 says:

      Good for you! The guy I was seeing did this to me multiple times (I must like torture). I finally blocked his number. Good riddance!

    • Amanda Stern says:

      I think you sound like a sweet giving person. There has to be a balance of attraction between two people. That balance is offset when one person is overly understanding or to available. Its nice when someone wants you. If someone doesn’t respond then you have to accept that as a no. You seem to be forceful to get a response from the guy which is just unattractive and makes you appear as desperate. If a guy can’t message you back in response to your invitation why would you want him. Even if I really liked the guy I would have sent one message and then given up. You give up your essence when you care to much.

    • Kimberly Deane says:

      Good riddance!! you deserve way better sista
      !!!!!!!!

    • C.L. Parker says:

      I am so tired of articles like this telling women to tolerate rude behavior. A man knows how to show a woman she is valued if he doesn’t wish to lose her. I don’t buy it that all men have this need to “pull away” when they do so in rude ways by not confirming plans, not texting back a day or two after sex, etc. I am done with these people. The common denominator that I found with a lot of them is they are emotionally immature, addicts, and therefore, plain self-absorbed and insensitive. What will also help is not sleeping with men too soon and really taking them apart first. I loved the book, “Men don’t love women like you” by GL Lambert. Changed my life that goes beyond men too.

      The guy I want knows how to communicate, doesn’t pull away, and freaking SAYS so if they need space or whatever. And if there are no men like this, I’d rather enjoy my own company as well. I know at least a few good women who are with good men who never made them wonder if they were into them or not – especially at the start. men know how to make you feel valued and if they are not, it’s because they don’t WANT you to feel connected in a certain way and they are see you as a place-holder, not a game-changer.

  • Angie says:

    I’m going through this now with my guy. We’ve been dating for six months. About 3 months in I started noticing this pattern occurring once a month where he’ll ignore me for a period of 3 to 5 days. He’s not rude or disrespectful, just distant physically and emotionally. We work for the same company so he can’t ignore me completely. And If I text or call, he’ll respond with brief answers. The first time it happened I was so freaked out I confronted him about whether he was seeing someone else. He assured me he wasn’t and acted completely baffled as to why I would think he was. Now, when he pulls back, I let him go, and I pull back too. I don’t call, text, or try to engage him in conversation. I leave him the f*@K alone. He always comes back like nothing happened and is super attentive and starved for affection. Things will be great for a few weeks and then BAM…the pullback…again. It’s like he’s on his period. I’m dealing with it because he’s worth it but it’s HARD, especially when this behavior is only directed at me, not his family, or his friends male or female. Just me.

  • Kaoru says:

    Thank you for this article.

  • Guest says:

    I wonder what ended up happening with all the women who commented here. I read through the comments and really felt the pain in what they were writing, especially since I’ve gone through variations of their experiences of men pulling away. It would be nice to hear back from them as to what happened in the end.

    Well my story is basically that I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over 3 months (still very new) and he’s began to pull away. I know the reason – his business isn’t doing so well and he’s working hard to get it back on track. I really want to believe him and trust him. I try to make all our encounters happy ones, exude feminine radiance, and I notice that he appreciates it, but he doesn’t initiate anything anymore, it’s always up to me. Lately he’s been too “busy” to even call me or see me. I really feel like I’m being taken advantage of/taken for a ride. Whenever I express my concern he reassures me that he still loves me and is just busy with the business, but it makes no sense to me that someone could be SO busy that weeks can go by without them seeing you? Especially so early into a relationship (even though we fell for each other pretty quick and hard). I don’t know.

    • 活在這紛擾世上誰還不是精神病? says:

      Words don’t mean nothing if action don’t follow suit, everyone is busy, look at all the great men in the world who makes time for people they love. Don’t settle for less.

    • RamboAmy86 says:

      You are right…it makes no sense. He is probably using his work as an excuse to end the relationship. Men love blaming other issues to why they pull away but its rarely ever that. My ex used to say he was stressed at work and too busy and would cancel dates all the time but the truth is that he was cheating. Watch his actions, not his words.

    • bookguitarguy says:

      There could be a whole bunch of reasons, it’s impossible to know without understanding the entire situation, but I can tell you in general that a LOT of men are avoiding commitment and marriage now because the cards are stacked against men as far as divorce, custody children etc, and SO many men have been hurt/had their lives torn apart by these situations over the last 30 years or so, that men have good reason to not want to go through that. That’s why a lot of good men are pursuing men’s rights issues, to be fair to both men and women, because feminism has alienated millions of men and made it REALLY hard for us to trust women, and that’s hurting women, and men also (as well as the children emotionally traumatized by divorces etc). 70% of divorces are filed by women now, and women almost always get custody, while men have to move out of their homes, lose a large chunk of their assets, lose their identity as husband and father, and are often denied access to their children through the vindictiveness of their ex’s. This is why so many men commit suicide after family breakups, and feminism (and our laws) need to start paying attention to the needs of men also, men are human beings and we feel things (like not being needed, and having our children turned against against us, etc). Not blaming you as there are two sides to every story, just some thoughts on the culture that is discouraging a lot of men from making commitments, because even a good father and husband who does everything right can be divorced a few years into a marriage for no reason, except the woman suddenly doesn’t want to be married anymore (met someone else, or whatever), so a lot of men are really startting to ask themselves if it’s worth it to start a family with a woman, and open themselves to that kind of pain (and financial ruin, also). Not diminishing your feelings in any way, they matter also, but society needs to start considering what men need also, for the good of everyone, because with a 50% divorce rate and 70% filed by women, men are thinking twice about being put through the wringer that way, when there’s nothing we can do about it! Hence the “pickup artists”, “hookup culture”, etc, and I blame FEMINISM for this, and alienating men and women from one another, and destroying the sense of commitment, also. Hope that helps you understand a male perspective, and I much love/best wishes to you! -Fred

  • Kathy says:

    Hey Renee,

    First off, I love your work. It has helped my relationship a lot! I first try to understand, i’ve learned to take responsibility for my own emotions rather than put them on by boyfriend…

    However, my boyfriend is still very disrespectful at times. He will zone out mid conversation to look at his phone, he criticizes my dreams of wanting to travel, he doesn’t take responsibility of his emotions when he is angry or pissy he just lashes out… yet I have learned to own my emotions.

    I realize men are these big powerful beings and that is beautiful but I feel really hurt and increasingly resentful that I aim to grow an not put my shit on to him. Yet, he does not show respect or understanding at all it feels.

    I got off the phone with him today and said that I am just going to give him space because he has been pissy all weekend. It just really hurts and has been bringing down my entire weekend.

    I know giving men space seems to help a lot but I really do not know how to communicate in a way he will hear. I am so angry and hurt at him because I feel so taken for granted and unseen.

    • Kathy says:

      Oh also, I have talked to him about how these things make me feel and he just gets really defensive. He will say “I am not on my phone all the time.”

      He is but he is being really stubborn. I know as well as the next girl you cant tell a man what to do but this just feels hurtful and it makes me so angry… because you know what? There ARE men out there who would find me interesting and vulnerable and beautiful.

      • Deanie says:

        I have experienced pretty much the same thing and I learnt something: I fall for someone who doesn’t invest much (time and effort) in the first place. So he didn’t show a lot of respect for me while we were seeing each other, I think he didn’t appreciate me because he always compared me with other women. In the end I broke up with him simply because I deserve someone better. Good luck to you Kathy

    • WTF*? says:

      This sounds achingly familiar to what I just experienced. As I have taken more notice of my own emotions and handling them, it seems I put unnecessary (?) energy into letting others off the hook -for their bad behaviour but this can feel abusive when the other person doesn’t recognize I am trying to give them a leg up — like notice your own behavior dude! My guy was so attentive and sweet and kind in person, but when we could only communicate by phone he seemed to display behaviour that he wouldn’t recognize as painful or hurtful to me. And I knew and had seen him be capable of being caring and in sync with me. Maybe that was his way of breaking up with no decision, no explanation, just “I can think of almost anything else I would like to do than have you be my girlfriend”. But when did his brain turn off and have it be ok to treat me so badly, disrespectfully?

  • Judy says:

    This is such a great article, I’ve read it every now and then trying to get that into my system. My man is pulling away right now and I was in despair and fear. We had been together only a couple of months, and we’re really in love. He has two kids from his previous marriage and is having a tough time getting his kids dealing with the separation. He wanted to be a good father and wants to make them feel secured and loved, and he is available for them at all times. The only problem is he works six days a week in N California, and the kids are in S California, there is little time for the kids. He feels so guilty and selfish when he spends the weekend with me. Few days ago, his son got emotionally out of control so my man wanted freaked out and wanted to put an end to our relationship. His priority is to fix his kids first and said he doesn’t know how we can continue the relationship. He said he’ll call me when he figures it out. I felt hurt and sad. At the same time I honor and respect his needs and decision although I think he gives up too easily on us. I understand and can feel his pain. He did say he loves me very much too but its not about our love, it’s about something a father has to do. At this point, I don’t know what to do besides giving him the space and time that he needs. It doesn’t look hopeful to me and his pulling away might be permanent unfortunately. The pain and sadness I’m experiencing is beyond words. This article helps me to deal with pain and gives me a lot of insights in some ways. Thank you Rene.

  • millie says:

    in the past, when a man wanted “space” I was cool with the space but felt funny about it. I realized it’s because it really meant they wanted to Cheat–and in fact they did cheat with many other women and then come back to me as if they hadn’t lied. I understand that now, my choices in men will be healthier for sure. The healthy marriages that I do see though, they actually do spend a lot of time together and enjoy it immensely. I’d prefer that. Time will tell I suppose.

  • MZT says:

    Wow…what a great article, such depth of understanding about the feelings of men. I am not used to this type of writing by a woman. Not in this era, when I find myself insulted by the manner in which men are depicted almost everywhere in the media and online. Thank you for being kind, understanding, and most of all, not condescending towards the type of feelings in men that many women don’t quite understand or accept. Well written!

    • Kevin says:

      Amen to your comment !! It is a crime to possess a Y chromosome in the feminized Western World !! No wonder so many women hate men , they have been brainwashed by the controlled ” media “.

      • eliza says:

        Kevin, please “fight” back and teach the women around you that there are men of integrity and those who respect feminine women. You have to be the man of honor and lead the way with dignified approach and not allow women to follow the wrong way. Our Christian roots here have given us the right framework for these different roles of women and men. You are right about media selling this story. The same with all kinds of disrespectful behavior that are being sold to women that affect men as well (sex on the first night,divorce after first fight, surrogate motherhood, abortion etc.). Best, Eliza

        • bookguitarguy says:

          “You have to be the man of honor and lead the way with dignified approach and not allow women to follow the wrong way.” Thats a nice thought, Eliza, but it would be great and a lot more effective, IMO) if you and your sisters would fight back against the radical feminists who have hijacked feminism since the 70s, and turned it into a hate group that literally hates and/or seeks to harm and disempower men (and boys) in every area of our lives (emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, etc), and tear us down.

          Since “moderate” feminists keep telling us ad nauseum that, “All feminists are not like that”, or even, “All women are not like that”, it’s up to those women who don’t hate men to speak out publicly against the feminists that abuse men’s rights, engage in hate speech against men, change laws and policies in ways that discriminate against men, and claim that their hateful words and actions against men are “for women”-suggesting they speak for all women, and going largely unchallenged by the millions of women who are supposedly “not like that”.

          Until more women step up and risk the wrath of the Sisterhood, to tell them that hateful acts and statements against men are NOT acceptable, and that they DON’T speak for all women, lots of men (including myself) are going to assume that the women who are the most radical and the most outspoken feminists, and are doing the most damage to traditional families, etc, are what feminism is REALLY all about, because the one’s who say they “don’t hate men”, aren’t doing much at all to call these radical women on their behavior, and be public about it so we’ll know where they stand. That said, I appreciate your encouragement for men to embrace more traditional male values, ie the healthy masculine, but feminist male bashing and social engineering agendas are literally teaching men to be feminine from an early age (and a lot of mothers encourage this), and women to be more masculine, because they are truly confused about who they are as women… thanks to feminism. Thanks for considering… Best, Fred.

      • Trilby16 says:

        You are veering into red pill territory, sounds like. Get a grip dude. Most women don’t “hate men.” And if you think the Western World hates men, maybe you’d be happier in the Middle East.

        • bookguitarguy says:

          Moron, try to read more carefully, he did NOT say that “most women hate men”, he said, “No wonder SO MANY women hate men” in the Western world, and that is a FACT. It seems that the one who needs to “get a grip’, and pay attention to what you’re reading is you.

          If you’re not familiar with RadFem, Femdom, Women’s Studies propaganda, #Killallmen, the Femitheist, Cuckolding, The SCUM Manifesto, or other hateful feminist writings or hashtags, you might want to Google some of them. Your comment is absolutely ignorant of the growing men’s rights movement, and the many legitimate grievances men have in America (many of which man do NOT have in the Middle East, because radical feminism has not infiltrated their institutions there as it has here).

          If you’re still scratching your head, and drawing a blank because you haven’t heard of men’s issues from your TV or social science classes, I’m referring to the fact that over 90% of workplace deaths are men, the suicide rate of men is 4 times higher, 90% of the homeless are men, men receive SIGNIFICANTLY longer sentences than women for the exact same crime, men are victims of EVERY form of violent crime more than women are (including rape, in the prisons), and with all of these and many more, the male-bashing and guilt-tripping of radical feminists hasn’t stopped for over 40 years, and in many ways is getting worse, as you’ll realize pretty quickly if you read a few comments on websites where man-hating is a popular pastime. MZT is absolutely CORRECT, and everything he said above is absolutely true.

          The Western world IS feminized (and getting worse), many feminists state outright that a Y chromosome is a “damaged X chromosome”, the media is CONSTANTLY brainwashing people foolish enough to listen to them (laughing at things like a man’s penis being cut off by his wife and put in the garbage compactor, etc), and feminism has systematically infiltrated our social institutions, to change them from the inside- including colleges, universities, social services, public schools, psychology, law, and just about everywhere you look… if you do actually take the time to look, and research what’s happening.

          If you peruse lists of books by feminists that are harsh and dehumanizing to men, such as How To Train Your Man Like a Dog in 21 Days, Women Who Love Men and the Men Who Hate Them, and lots of other derogatory anti-male titles on Amazon, all you have to do is read the reviews that compliment these books (with 4 and 5 star ratings), to see how many American women DO in fact hate men, including serious calls to eliminate 90% of the male population on the earth with a detailed plan (the brainchild of The Femitheist), to understand just how deep this animosity and hatred goes for many women (part of the reason becoming bisexual or lesbian is so trendy right now, and “political lesbians” literally practice a lesbian lifestyle in order to hurt men and deprive men of power (and rights) in our society-and these are the actions of a hate group (ie, modern American feminism).

          Reading some Robin Morgan, Andrea Dworkin, or other militant feminist writings, that are celebrated in feminist circles, and realizing how many hateful feminist texts are used as required reading for Women’s Studies classes (which are taught at colleges and universities all over the country), will also help you realize how extensive this really is, and again, there is a difference between MANY and MOST, so your criticism was a straw man argument. He never SAID that most Western women hate men, he said that MANY do, and that is the truth. “I feel that “man-hating” is an honorable and viable political act, that the oppressed have a right to class-hatred against the class that is oppressing them.” -psychofeminist, Robin Morgan

          • JosephineBakerStreet says:

            Hey, can you please make the suicide rate 5 times higher?

            • bookguitarguy says:

              “Hey, can you please make the suicide rate 5 times higher?”

              LOL… another twisted, man-hating feminist c#nt has spoken!!! You can’t even take responsibility for hating men and wanting them to die, and have the courage to kill them yourself, you need MEN to do THAT for you also!!! What a worthless feminist LOSER!!! LOL ;O)

              • JosephineBakerStreet says:

                Wow, you can’t even spell out “cunt”. No wonder you can’t fuck it. Look, i love men. No problem with them. I enjoy their company and what they bring to the world. You are a shit-spewing moron. However, that’s not because you’re a man. You’re just a dickless nutjob.

                • bookguitarguy says:

                  LOL. Again b#tch, you entertain me. (Is that “bitch” or “butch”… you decide :O).

                  Aside from the fact that your messages are completely inadequate (as you are), and fail to address the pithy points that I’ve raised, rest assured I know very well how to spell the “c” word (and we all know what it means, don’t we?)-it’s only because hypocritical fucktwits like yourself are so schizophrenic that one never knows whether they’ll be dealing with the “strong, independent woman” who can “do anything a man can do” (LOL), or the perpetual, oppressed feminist victim who feels free to lash out in nasty, hormone-fed rages against anything that has a penis (and BALLS to go with it), yet reverts to fragile, innocent damsel when a man tells her to kiss his ass (or uses mean words), and has 911 entered in your speed dial in case one of the many men who think you’re an asshole happens to say something you don’t approve of. Hooahhh!!

                  Or to “report” a post that uses a word women don’t like (because it calls them on their selfish and fucked-up attitudes), while feeling totally free to insult men with every slur they can think of, relying on their “pussy pass” to protect them because they couldn’t handle TRUE equality-which is why you seek only the “selective” kind, that benefits you. That’s without even getting into those fucked-up bitches who think they’re tough because they get in men’s faces physically, and actually shove or assault men (see pussy pass), screaming all the while about wanting “equality”, yet knowing full well the man can’t hit her back without serious legal consequences, and men view women like that with utter disgust and contempt, because they are disingenuous cowards.

                  Honestly, it’s confusing to keep track of the mind-numbing hypocrisy, but I’ve stopped trying to figure it out, I just accept it as an integral part of feminism, and a core characteristic of the womyn who gravitate towards it!!! ;O)

                • JosephineBakerStreet says:

                  Just to clarify: What’s with the “Hooahhh”? Are you Al Pacino?

                  Also, are you saying that you prefer fucking men? I’m fine with gays. It doesn’t matter. I just wonder if you’re upset because you can’t get laid by women, men or both. Maybe you can move to the Middle East and fuck camels, since you hold that part of the world in such high regard. Or, camels could fuck you. Try shouting “Hooahhh” to one and see what happens.

                  Look, don’t get your panties in a wad. Hang in there, hun. I’m with you. I’m rooting for you and your Lil’ Boy problems!

                • bookguitarguy says:

                  LOL. Your reading comprehension and critical thinking abilities continue to lag considerably behind average. Go easy on that vibrator, will you??!!! ;O)) PS. I love women’s bodies, but I don’t fuck feminists. They have shitty, ungrateful attitudes, and aren’t worthy of the pleasure I can give them. LOL!!

                • bookguitarguy says:

                  PS. Just noticed the website we’re on, and it’s pretty clear you’re not one of the “Feminine Women” that us real men go for. LOL. Feminism has fucked you up the ass with a big white strap-on, and you didn’t even realize it!!! HOOOAHH!!! ;OD

              • JosephineBakerStreet says:

                I’m guessing men don’t like you much, either. You’re the kind of man that doesn’t do well when you walk into a room full of men. You know how men size each other up…they know you’re worthless. You know it’s true. Come on, hun, you know you ain’t shit, puny man.

          • Bri says:

            You lost me at “men’s rights”.. You’re one of those wackos.

            • bookguitarguy says:

              LOL. You’re one of those spoiled, hypocritical, self-righteous, brain-dead feminist c#nts with no soul who has trouble using the words “men” and “rights” in the same sentence… but it’s bitches like you who drive the men’s movement, so keep up the good work, you HYPOCRITE!!! “Equality” when it makes Daddy’s Little Girl happy, but not when it protects the rights of men from evil spoiled GIRLS who don’t care about us!!! You’re one twisted Leftist sister, babe!!! ;O)

            • bookguitarguy says:

              PS. I don’t think it’s too hard to “lose you”… you probably have trouble comprehending the Constitution, and understanding the Sunday funny papers, also!!

    • FreeToBe says:

      The past 6-12 months of reading Rene’s work have been revolutionary for me. I’m slowly washing my brain of our culture’s lies and finding myself refreshed and invigorated – not competitive and needy – in the presence of true masculine men, even in their drawing away.

      Thank you, Rene. Your life’s work is changing the lives of women AND men for the better.
      xoxo,
      Be blessed. 🙂

    • Lily Wakim says:

      Agreed 🙂

    • WTF*? says:

      I appreciate also the way you write Renee. Showing respect of men-holding men as powerful and with honoring has changed the way I interact with them and has made my life more rich. I cannot say that the men I have held so reverently have done the same to me, but I am also learning to not take each slight so personally. And to love someone in their highest purest place of individuality/humanity-the best of who they are from my place of grounded feminine power and uniqueness is the best way for me to feel. Thank you for writing all that you have as it resonates so deeply in me, as MZT says, it is hard to stay supported when there is so much awful treatment of each other socialized in the media/movies and deemed “normal” or “acceptable”. Placing blame/responsibility on SOMEONE seems to be all anyone cares about – instead of honoring ourselves and honoring each other with grace, love and kindness. Thank you thank you thank you. Reading you and your husbands words are a balm to my heart.

  • Amy says:

    I had a fight with my man just yesterday about him spending time with his friends and not me on his Birthday. I tried my best to be vulnerable and express how I felt. But it probably just came across in a blaming, horrible way.

    He sent me a text saying he was upset. I tried to call. He said, busy atm. So I sent him a big long text explaining that I didn’t want to take away his freedom, understood his need to see his friends and was simply trying to convey my hurt/dissapointment. I acknowledged I hadn’t done it in the right way and asked if he could help me to say it the right way in the future. He wrote back, I cant do this right now Amy… am hanging out with friends I haven’t seen in ages.

    I wrote back, that’s fine. hope you’re having a good time. talk later.

    He never wrote back, I know he read it though from the notification. We haven’t spoken all day. I’m afraid to reach out anymore than I already have. I just feel he needs space. But I’m TERRIFIED he is going to fade out, or dump me. I’ve cried so much. I feel I’ve made a terrible, stupid mistake, that I’d just like to fix. But I don’t know if he will let me. I don’t know if he will give me the chance. Please help. I really didn’t understand what I was doing!!!

    • Michaela K says:

      Gosh you are not worth the jerk

    • Deedee says:

      Hi Amy, I hope you guys were able to get over this problem. This same thing happened to me recently and I did get upset. But I kept my mouth shut and kept myself occupied. I’ve tried many times to sort out this situation with confrontation with other men. But it never worked. So this time I decided to drop it in spite of my anger. A few days later he came around and apologized. But I sensed that he really didn’t want me to get upset. Most guys don’t understand that sometimes getting too preoccupied with everything else can make us feel ignored. It’s really hard to find a guy that knows this already, just like it’s hard to find a good best friend or boss who has your interests in mind as much as theirs. Most men don’t know how to deal with emotional stuff while tending to friends, work, parents, etc. But if they are actually trying to understand you, they will get it in time. Pushing it doesn’t work. You can definitely make your feelings known without being mean, but after that it’s up to them to meet you half way. So I would give him space, and if after a week he hasn’t initiated I would check in. If his attitude is favourable then continue from there, if you still don’t feel he is making any effort, in time I would dump him.

  • Miss Montana says:

    I need your help!!! I recently meet my boyfriend (back in November) I am from latin America , I traveled to the States to meet my second niece and he already knew I was going to visit.

    He came over to introduce himself one day and since then he continued visiting, until he finally asked me out. By December he asked me to meet his family and later that day he asked me to be his girlfriend, he always said that his intentions were of one day getting married, that he wasn´t just playing.

    Also the day before I came back he asked me if I would consider us getting married sometime this year, which I agree, he is everything I could have ever wanted and needed, he is loving and sweet. He said he knew I was the one he wanted to be married; Both of us have had some relationships in the past, but we never had a formal relationship before. Since the beginning of our relationship I could see that his communication skills were not the easiest for him, and he also told me that was something he knew he had to work on.

    I came back to my country in January, and since then I have noticed he is not as loving as he used to. At the beginning he would call me through Skype twice a week, but now he hasn´t showed that much desire to call and he doesn´t tells me that he loves me ask much as he used to. Sometimes I feel like he doesn´t wants to talk to me, and sometimes he doesn´t even texts me for a couple days, it feels as if I am the only one doing everything for this relationship.

    So my question is what should I do? Should I just ask him what is going on? Thank you for your time!!!

  • Alicia says:

    Thanks renee love this and the recent one on true vulnerability. If I had just read this in isolation without does telling a man how you feel count as true vulnerability I would have thought (prob because of so much other stuff written on the Internet) that I should share my craving him – but I do get this should only be done if he’s in a space where that would mean something to him.

    Where I’m struggling is feeling the pain part (I go up in to my head, best myself up, think I shouldn’t feel pain etv) and I really don’t know how to build my tolerance to pain in a supportive not punishing way. Then when I feel better (if I understand your articles) or at least when I am not running away from feelings and can hold them I can think about what he needs and not necessarily share my feelings unless it’s something he’s receptive to – our feeling closer may be more likely by having fun and having him have good associations with time spent together? Hard thing is while I’m still resisting pain setting my feelings aside and being more receptive and fun doesn’t feel easy

  • Naomi says:

    I’m so happy I read this post at this time. Usually pulling away scares me alot, and I would yell at him and blame him. But this time i sent him a message with my feelings, about how I don’t like when he doesn’t talk to me for a little while. (I like talking everyday with him) and that I won’t wait for him. I want to be there by his side, I want to create constant memories with him, but i won’t just sit by the phone and wait. I can only hope that he will contact me soon. (this was recent)

    I’m so glad to find out that I reacted well. This post gives me easiness and hope.

    Thank you so much Renee.

  • Abby says:

    Hi Renee,

    Thanks for this article, I came across it at a time when I really need some advice! I’ve been dating a guy for a little over 2 months and things were going great. We have talked every day since we started dating, and we spent the night together last Friday night (this wasn’t the first time) and a good part of the morning on Saturday. I left his apartment on Saturday feeling confident in the relationship and his feelings towards me, so I was surprised to not hear a word from him for the rest of the weekend. I reached out Sunday evening, but communication since then has been very limited and a complete departure from our pattern for the past few months. He is going out of town this weekend to visit friends, but we have plans to see each other when he gets back on Monday.

    Is it normal for men to pull away this early on in a relationship? I’ve read a lot about the rubber band theory, but this seems a bit early for someone to need space. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself and expect a break up on Monday, but that’s proving to be a challenge given the cold signs he’s been giving me all week. I have a tendency to go to the worst place in my mind because of my experience with men in the past, so I’m hoping I’m wrong here. I’m going to give him the space he clearly needs this weekend and will not initiate contact, and have decided to go out of town with some friends as a distraction.

    My current personal struggle aside, I have really enjoyed reading your articles. Thank you!

  • Erynn Haskins says:

    I’ve felt this way on occasion. I’m someone who is usually the one to pull away which is very strange to me. It hasn’t been the other way around luckily. I think my reason has been a lack of passion where the relationship did get too comfortable.I have a personality that seeks adventure and I have a need for things to constantly change, but in an exciting way. Does anyone else go through the same thing? How do you make it work?

  • Joelle says:

    Hi Renee,

    First, I just wanted to say thank you for your amazing website, insight, and advice. In the early stages of my breakup, I looked for any sources of support, and I came across your blog. I signed up for your newsletter, which I look forward to when it comes to my inbox. Your insights have helped me better understand how to get in touch with my feelings and understand the dynamics between masculine and feminine.
    I also found it difficult to understand why my ex was pulling away from me. It made my insecure mind go into a negative loop cycle of “he doesn’t like me anymore”,”we don’t go out as much as he does with his friends”, etc. I longed for those early days when he used to chase after me. We took a brief break. However, I became defensive and desperate, which turned him off a lot and in turn, it made him more frustrated with me.
    This blog entry is a great reminder that as a woman, I needed to reconnect to my feminine self, my true self. I was incredibly confused with my emotions, and I felt I lost my connection to my authentic being after trying so hard to get to him. Yet, I haven’t lost faith either in having a great relationship: I still firmly believe in a nourishing, passionate relationship with a man, because it’s one of the most beautiful things in the world with all its great times and painful challenges. I’m truly grateful to have found your blog.

    • David Shen says:

      Thank You for your lovely comment Joelle, your observations about losing touch with your authentic self are poignant, and it makes me happy to know that my blog has helped you over the months/years.

      Renee. (It IS Renee commenting by the way – we are overseas and I am stuck using my husband’s computer to reply – so it is his log in).

  • Lucy says:

    Hi Renee,

    What a great article. I just reconciled with my boyfriend after finally confessing the deep hurt I feel when he abruptly breaks dates with me.

    He only does it to help out his daughters (he’s divorced) in a pinch, and I do respect his devotion to his kids and elderly mum. He’s a typical Capricorn. I love this about him — yet to take third place hurts so much.

    I can get as angry as hell (always regret it) and he will just stolidly listen. My emotions don’t seem to phase him, though I don’t think he understands them. This time, I finally got across to him how much it hurts my heart not to see him. He said “sorry” and I know myriads were contained in that one word. I am so thankful he understands my emotional nature.

    You and David and your work have really helped me. I wouldn’t be with this man for a whole year if it wasn’t for finally understand how different the feminine woman and masculine man are. My man is very masculine, an engineer, and he’s Asian, too, like your husband, and so he has that reserve and calm that Asian cultures are sometimes known for. I am a musician, very emotional, Jewish, expressive. We are so different, and why are we still together after a whole year?

    It’s embarrassing to admit that we are both in our 50s, divorced, with two kids each. You wouldn’t think that people our age could be so passionate (our sex life is amazing, no other word for it), so I guess you and David and your younger readership have something to look forward to!

    Lucy

  • farah naaz says:

    Hi renee!
    iam farahnaaz i read your emails very regularly!
    my main issue in life is about man pulling away from me!
    i got married when i was 20 to a man who i didnt find attractive,i spoke to my parents before my marriage many times bt they find it a good match so they got me married and after marriage my husband did not find me attractive, he found me very childish and innocent and pulled away from me.
    He divorced me and then after my divorce i completed my higher studies, i have done my Masters from English literature and i write poems short stories and novels.
    well after 6 years again i got married to a man who was my big brothers dear friend.He is extremely handsome with all those big muscles athletic body and tall, he works in multi national company, i was really very happy with him in America,we had two daughters but when my mother-in-law visited america, tension and problem started, her daily dose of complains to her son against poisoned his mind she stayed with us for longer time, and the complains made my husband misjudge me. Now he thinks iam mental and incapable of looking after children and taking care of home.
    They forced me back to india with children and here iam sitting in my mums home without my children. i try daily to contact him through sms emails but he do not reply he is suffering from lack of passion and he feels i will always irritate him and annoy him so he is afraid of my presence in his life.three months i cried without my children, i was not even allowed to hear their voice he just wants to leave me and get away from me. so we went to woman and child protection society in india when they threatened him to police he promised to leave the children here to meet me weekly on sundays.
    Do you have any suggestion or advise why my husband is continuously trying so hard to pull away from me.

  • jason says:

    Hello! I’m a guy and I have to say, I really don’t realize how painful a day or a few of no contact can be to anyone, especially when it’s early on.. one of my best girl friends once described to me how when men chase and go after her, it’s a ‘chase’, but when women do the same, guys often see it as ‘needy’ and ‘desperate’, although it’s the same behaviour. And I agree with her, but can’t change that I do feel turned off when a woman goes after me like that, although I admit I can do the same when i’m crazy about a girl! And when I pull away, I don’t notice it, and when she does, I also start wondering and feeling a little pain.. it may be a double standard, but I see renee’s point, that we ARE WIRED that way!

    On another note, Renee, I have to ask if you consider it normal when a man keeps pulling away for longer periods of time, expecting to come back and it all be normal.. if that’s not a woman being a little bit disrespectful to herself? There is the book ‘mr unavailable and the fallback girl’, that describes the pulling away situation from another perspective.. that’s when a guy strings a girl along and uses the pulling away to keep the situation under his control. So i’d watch out for those signs.. can you explain the boundaries? When is pulling away natural and ok. When is it not?

    • Renee Wade says:

      Ah yes, Jason, That book is written by a woman isn’t it…The lady behind Baggage Reclaim? Have you read it?

      Thanks for commenting Jason, I appreciate this part especially; ” And when I pull away, I don’t notice it.” It’s important!

  • jess says:

    great article and very helpful insight indeed. My question is, what does it mean when your man pulls away from you but has no problem connecting with and reaching out to other people?? We have a daughter together and when he with draws from me and goes MIA with me, i often find out that he will call or make plans with our daughter without ever communicating just to consult with me. She is only 5 so its not like he can make plans with her and shes old enough to give her self permission…should i take it personal when he goes silent with me but has no problem still reaching out to my daughter?

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Jess,

      What’s your question? Because I don’t understand what you are saying here – and what you’re actually upset about.

      • jess says:

        Hi,
        My boyfriend and i have a daughter together but we live seperately right now and this is working for us right now because we ate committed and love each other i have no doubt. so that is not the issue. My issue has to do with questioning why does he feel the need to pull away from me but yet i find out, when he is being distant with me, hes very social and reaching out to others except for me. Like my daughter-(who is not his biological daughter but has claimed her as such)he will call her and video message her on her tablet and will go days without contactinge at all. Or he will go visit my parents and never mention or invite me along during these times when he pulls away…i get it how he needs his space sometimes but this space he seeks-is it just from me and not every one else? Should i feel offended that he wants to talk to and be around every one else but me? Or am i creating an issue where there is none?

  • Jay says:

    wow i couldnt stop crying reading this. Thank you Renee x

  • Barbara says:

    Hey Renee ,

    What if a guy is pulling away as an act of punishment ? Like after an argument he does it to sort of make you mad .Then how should you react . Should you stay with a man like this ?

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Barbara!

      How do you know that he pulls away as an act of punishment?

      Because, men pulling away FEELS like punishment – but how do you know that his intent is to punish you? or hurt you?

      • Barbara says:

        Because he tells me that he’s doing it on purpose . He’ll say I’m going to treat you accordingly . Just because he’s not happy and because he knows I get upset . I feel hurt and abandoned . Its been 2 weeks since I heard from him and before that we had an arguement .

        • Renee Wade says:

          Hi Barbara,

          Ok, well I don’t know him and I don’t know what the argument was about…what did you say/do and what did he say ‘I’m going to treat you accordingly’ in response to?

          • Barbara says:

            He won’t contact me in two three weeks and when I text and call him he doesnt answer but he gets on social networks everyday . I hate when he does this .

  • Milagros says:

    I hate it when men pull away ….while I’ve never responded with anger…I also never clearly expressed what I needed…as if everything was Ok and acceptable. I felt forced to occupy my time with other things when what I want is real closeness with a genuine man.

    I’d like to actually feel like a couple. In the past I felt more single and lonely while in a supposed relationship.

    • Barbara says:

      The argument was about me not saying happy birthday to him on his birthday he said I’m going to treat you accordingly . its also because I’m always starting arguments with him

  • Anna C says:

    I experience, when the men throughout my life pull away, first and foremost, hurt and feeling taken advantage of. And I’m going to want to be cold to him in retaliation. But, someone one told me to check my intent with everything I do. What am I really asking for when I’m cold to him? I’m really asking for his love. So why not ask for it directly? Why not say, “i need to feel loved by you; will you please hold me?” and instead of being angry when a man pulls away, if you focus on what you admire about him instead, that really helps. This was good advice, always from Renee.

    Renée, after all these years I still continue to learn from you. Thank you.

    Anna

  • LC says:

    What are your thoughts on a man pulling away which then results in dating another women (where the date doesn’t mean that much). It’s almost like the date impinges on the beautiful growing connection we a building..,

    • LC says:

      I should more the clear, it seems that the pulling away/dating someone else happens when our connection and intimacy is strong.

  • AD says:

    What if every time a man pulls away he is hanging out around not so awesome people and drinking? Do I have a right to be upset then? He lives 45 minutes from me and we’ve been together for 2.5 years. When he’s drinking it’s as if i don’t exist. He won’t answer my phone calls or texts for hours and all night. He doesn’t understand why I get so upset. He says I’m making assumptions about what he’s doing and that I don’t trust him. This makes me feel torn between whether I’m being controlling and having a valid concern.

  • Jacqueline says:

    Hello Renee!

    I love reading your articles, and I have to say I would love to take CC#2, but I just can’t afford it (I am a single mother of 3). This article really resonated with me, as I’ve experienced this with my bf several times over the last year and a half. When we get closer, he seems to become fearful, and then pull away. At first, he did so by thinking something was wrong in our relationship, then that maybe he didn’t want a relationship at all, then that he didn’t feel I was being forthcoming enough or standing my own ground. This last time, he was upset that he didn’t feel like we were moving forward, but he also doesn’t know how to move forward, as he “doesn’t feel the same as when we first fell in love”. Not that he doesn’t love me, and our relationship is infinitely better; but because the euphoric fall wasn’t the same after reconciliation he seems to want to say his feelings are not deep. His actions and the way he approaches our relationship scream otherwise, and when we are together I do not doubt his feelings for one second. I trust him and admire him, and I’ve never even been able to be mad for the pulling away – only hurt – but at my core understanding and patient. Right now, I am fearful as one of your other commenters – what if he pulls away again and this time does go away? I truly feel both of us that this is the right relationship, and that we should move forward, but I don’t know how to express that without it being pushy and I’ve wanted to remain patient and understanding. If we weren’t growing, maybe I would feel differently, but we are just slowly. He seems to want to move forward, but seems to want me to be the one to bring it up; and other times it feels like he is trying to subtly tell me that he isn’t ready and not to go there. It’s difficult to know how to be vulnerable without being pushy, and help encourage a forward move.

    • Jacqueline says:

      Renee, how would you encourage moving forward in this scenario? Wait for him to bring things up, or do I need to? I don’t want to be pushy but I don’t want to hold back if that’s what is needed either.

  • Angela ♫ says:

    Because of your teaching and insight that ALREADY RESONATES with my soul, whenever I feel myself disconnecting…because of what his response is or his attitude or reaction to what I have expressed , I take a only a little space and then I reconnect but I NEVER ever feel like a doormat because I never denounce what I feel as a woman…I just VALUE THE FACT that I am with a masculine man who 95%of the time treats me like a treasure so it’s worth it..Thank you soooo much Renee for exposing yourself to all our critiques and judgements and still send out authentic light and love ♥♥

    • Renee Wade says:

      Thanks a lot Angela. This means a lot.

      How powerful that you acknowledge that you don’t feel like a doormat because you don’t denounce your feelings! 🙂

  • Lily says:

    I find myself at my most “desperate” when he pulls away WHEN I am longing for connection with another human being. I live rurally on a sheep farm. Due to unique circumstances I haven’t been able to learn to drive, so I cannot go and see other women very often, and although I do have female friends, they too have busy lives and coming out here is too hard for them. I do have a neighbour I like to have a cuppa with when she’s at home, but she’s blown me off four times now to go for a coffee with another friend of hers (argh!). I do notice my desperation levels (ha) go up much higher when I’ve had to tend to things at home for long periods of time without having any meaningful connection with others for some time.

    He pulled away again last night after a long day of work (duh! He probably just wanted to relax) and I made the mistake of getting upset AGAIN which predicatably made things worse. I’m also on “that time of the month” which doesn’t help things. I have to keep reading this site and going over the videos in the course (and the exercises) so I can get to a better place with dealing with it.

    I think us women really need a tribe, I know I do.

    • ANGELA says:

      LILY..i posted right after you did…Angela here and I could
      feel your pain..which is what WOMEN do..you can email me anytime.
      Renee is so wise..i am learning so much
      Hang in there gal !

    • Renee Wade says:

      Yes we do need a tribe….it’s one thing many of us are missing!

  • Michelle says:

    Hi Renee,

    This is very timely for me, as my live-in bf who I’ve been with for 3.5 years, has pulled away greatly due to the recent death of his father. Before this, we were like 2 peas in a pod. Now I’m giving him all the space he needs to grieve and he mostly hides out in our basement alone. It’s been several weeks and I am so lonely; but say nothing of it to him.

    Do you have any advice on how I cope with this unique type of pulling away that may last weeks/months as he continues to go through the grieving process?

  • HM says:

    @Katerina ‘What helps me when I finally get out of my head and back in to my heart is to remind myself that I am free and he is free and love can only grow in freedom and then somehow my trust grows..no matter what happens next..’

    Exactly! Resuming your own life and freedom, when he resumes his, is the best answer. You don’t love him any less, when you live your life as yourself.

  • Joan says:

    I’ve been thinking of this stuff lately. I’ve noticed his need to get away from me sometimes, and I’ve been learning to trust that is just the way it is. It’s natural. After awhile, we got to the point we were spending so much time together and I couldn’t just relax with him as much, because, well, conversation with men is much more directed and straight, and I can’t take it all the time and I need to get away. I spent a day yesterday with just women and it was great, there was a natural flow to the conversations, and absolutely pointless! And that is the point.

    And he was happy when I got back home. And so was I. It was natural then for me to give in to my natural desire to crave him.

  • Katerina says:

    Oh Renee…your article was godsend today! Thank you!!! Men pulling away is always such a difficult aspect of the relationship. I have read your other articles on the topic again and again and they have been very helpful but you know how it goes..when fear takes the lead.. Thank you for going deeper and deeper on this subject today..my fearful mind might be bubbling on the surface but my heart is also here, listening. My man almost always pulls away after we meet. We have a looong history and this has always bothered me. It took me a loooong time to believe that he really values me and not to take it personally but its still difficult almost every time it happens. I have a very insecure part in me and my mind goes “what if this time is the last time? and what if this time really something has changed?” I make it worse by comparing his pulling away to the times he was chasing me, or when he was fearing that he might lose me, and he found the time and space to be present daily if not constantly. It is true though that if I’m a 100% honest with myself, I don’t need him to be here ALL the time, but at the same time I do want a closer relationship with him,one that deepens and grows and yes I do want and enjoy his playful attention as well. Maybe I need to accept that relationships change and it’s not a bad thing.I feel that your suggestion about connecting to others is very important, it reminds me of what they say about the quality of true love that is an energy that goes beyond specific people, to everyone.. What helps me when I finally get out of my head and back in to my heart is to remind myself that I am free and he is free and love can only grow in freedom and then somehow my trust grows..no matter what happens next..

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Katerina, your comment is simply amazing. Thanks!

      The insecure part in you that says; “what if this time is the last time? and what if this time really something has changed?” – is just what we do as women. It’s kinda our job, when we love a man.

      Just remember that every stage of a relationship is beautiful…even the painful parts.

      We look back at when he chased us and want that back – but it’s not here right now because that stage is never sustainable for very long periods. it can’t be…because it takes an enormous amount of emotional and physical resources to be in love and to chase…it serves its purpose, the relationship changes and you always remember it.

      No one can take the memory from you though. That’s our choice.

  • Carrie says:

    I agree! Sometimes they just leave because of their ego and fear and we are left with all the pain and feeling unworthy . When we did nothing.

  • Sarah says:

    Beautiful article Renee! It’s very well written. It’s funny how I was just thinking yesterday about how I missed your articles and that I haven’t received one in a while, and then this showed up in my inbox this morning. 🙂

    I wanted to add the importance of not taking things so personally when a man pulls away. I struggle with that sometimes. Sometimes as women we may feel that maybe we’ve done something to push him away or that because at that moment he’s not giving us his attention and presence that it somehow means he’s losing interest etc. But when we understand that he pulls away to fulfill a need of his own(whatever it may be), and we give him that space without blame and anger it makes the relationship much stronger. I know from experience that whenever my man did this I would feel so upset and feel abandoned but I never expressed it, so when he would come back I would be a little cold and dry towards him and he would be so confused as to why. But ever since I started reading your articles, it’s given me the courage to express myself and be more vulnerable about how I feel, and he loves it. He always tells me that he loves that I’m open and honest and trust him enough to be so vulnerable with him…he finds it very attractive and it makes him want to take care and protect me even more. And now when he pulls away, he,on his own assures me that it is because he’s working very hard at work so that he can make our lives better. My man is extremely ambitious, I would even call him a workaholic, but his drive and ambition are one of the things that drew me to him in the first place, so when he pulls away to fulfill that need to get things done, I have learned not to take it so personally…and when he does come back I am more open and receptive and it makes our relationship a million times better and stronger.

    Thanks Renee for having this website, sharing your insights, and encouraging women to be true to their essence, their feminine core. Once we learn to shed all the bs and conditioning to be so independant & “i dont need a man ” attitude, and instead embrace our true feminine essence and our deepest desires we start to feel much more happier and ALIVE because we’re now living our truth. 🙂

  • Barbie says:

    Renee…
    Thank You.

    Thank You for reminding me that a beautifully powerful connection between a Man and a woman is not easy or without its challenges– but is worth every moment.

    Thank You for your post at a moment when I needed that reminder.

  • Yetunde says:

    Hi Renee:
    I love your blog and I believe you have a great deal to teach women about the power of their feminine spirits. However at times it does feel like you hold women responsible for the failure of relationships. I realize many of us make concrete errors in our relationships, but sometimes the man is simply not committed or ill prepared. Perhaps I’m over personalizing things because my relationship has ended. Thsnk you for continuing to help us grow as women.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Send this to a friend