Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it

Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it

Why Do Men Pull Away From You & The Relationship?

Men withdraw from the relationship; they pull away. It’s what happens.

Women do it sometimes, too – but with men; usually, they are only either going deeper in to the relationship with you; or they’re moving away; to do things that make them feel like men.

And, when he pulls away; to you – it hurts. You get angry. Sad. You feel unloved. You no longer feel like that princess or that goddess that perhaps he once treated you as. (Click to download my “Goddess Report”) 

So, why do men pull away in relationships and what to do when men pull away?

What is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman

The problem here is that men and women are hardwired completely differently. As women, we tend to think, value and believe certain things that are different to what a man would tend to think, value and believe.

See, what’s intuitive to us women, can be completely foreign to men. I was speaking to my fiancee David the other week, and he brought something up that was like an absolute “Ah-HAH” or a breakthrough for him, but to me as a woman, that breakthrough that he had was …almost commonsense. It was something that was obviously intuitive for me, but it wasn’t for him.

I was all like ‘have you been living under a rock?’ and he was like: ‘what are you talking about?’

Yet, if I was to go to my girlfriends and bring that particular thing up; they’d get it. in a heartbeat.

And the reverse is also true, what is intuitive to a man, can be completely foreign to us as women.

See my post Understanding Men: 5 Insights Into Men to Ease Your Worries

How to get a man to commit more of his time, attention and exclusivity and marriage

So if you want a man to commit more of his time, presence, attention and love, or even exclusivity and marriage, then make sure you tune in to the knowledge and action steps I’m about to give you.

If you don’t learn the concepts and ideas that I will share with you, then your man may just take you for granted even more, you won’t feel very special in your relationship if you have one, and you’ll really struggle to get his attention.

I know that most of us women have wondered: ‘why does a man withdraw?!’

‘Why does he just seem to disappear like that?!’

‘Why hasn’t he called for so long?’

‘What, am I invisible now?’

‘What’s going on?’

‘Is it me? Is it my body? Have I done something to upset him?’

And most women have struggled with this problem. In fact, it’s most likely ALL women. And it seems like a phenomenon that is impossible to understand, and it may be causing you a lot of suffering, but here’s the key:

It doesn’t have to.

A man withdrawing from the relationship doesn’t have to cause you suffering.

From my experience working with women, I have discovered that most women really fail to have the deep connection, passion and love they really want with their man because of the lack of understanding about why men withdraw, and the meaning they give it when their man withdraws.

But all of your problems really come from a lack of understanding of men.

So today, I’m going to give you the understanding to be able to deal with a man withdrawing. If you don’t understand it, and you DON’T know how to deal with it, it could lead to your man withdrawing even more, it could lead to your man resenting you, and of course, in the worst case scenario, it could lead to break up or divorce.
If you know how to deal with it, your relationship will run much more smoothly for you, and even better – you’ll be able to inspire your man to commit even more of his attention and time to you. You’ll be able to achieve true happiness in your relationship, and have your man adore you at a level most women only dream of.

See my post on how to talk to a man so he won’t pull away or go cold.

Quiz: Am I dating a commitment friendly man? Find out here.

So, Why do Men Pull Away from the Relationship?

To help you understand why, let me ask you a few questions:

How would you feel if you were around a man who was highly emotional? For example: he was able to cry at the drop of a hat, and feel all “lovey-dovey” with you almost every day? He is so emotional that he melts like butter. Imagine him being incredibly relaxed and wanting to talk and connect with you all the time.

How would you feel around a man like this?

You may think ‘oh my goodness – I would LOVE if my man would do this!’

Yes, you may – for a couple of days at best. But eventually, whether you like it or not – you would start to feel a little uneasy, a little uncomfortable, and you’ll start to lose attraction for him. And sometimes you may even be a bit confused or disgusted by him.

You don’t want a man who’s more emotional than you, now do you?

He’s Not a Woman!!!

Why do you think you lose attraction for him?

It’s because you no longer feel polarized by him…

It’s because you won’t be feeling his masculine energy. So as a result, you may feel like you’re in a relationship with one of your girlfriends! You don’t want your man to be like one of your girlfriends!

In fact, the reason you were attracted to a man in the first place was largely to do with the masculine energy he gave out. His presence, his strength, intelligence, his sense of humor, his potential to be a good provider, etc….this is all happening naturally, sometimes without you being aware of it.

What we women really want deep down is to be in a relationship with a MAN – but because of the society we live in – none of us are taught how to understand the opposite sex! We want to be in a relationship with a man, but when a man acts differently than we do, we get all hurt, confused and worried.

But here’s the truth of why men withdraw: It’s because they want to feel like, and be a man.

How interesting! :)

When a man is engaged with you emotionally, he may truly enjoy it and see it as a beautiful gift, but after some time (usually a shorter period than us women would like), he has to withdraw back in to his own space.

The reason men seem to pull away is because the emotional attachment feels like a burden to them. At least when that attachment is consuming energy that he could otherwise put towards his purpose and his mission or to feeling the freedom that makes him feel like a man.

By all means – most men are happy to be in a loved-up world with us for a time, but they have to get out of it also, in order to accomplish their mission.

A lot of women assume that men feel the same kind of feelings that we do – men do have emotions too of course, and they feel emotions in the same intensity as women, but they don’t feel them in the same exact way that we do.

Us women drawing men in to the world of emotionality can sometimes cause them to feel like they’re losing their freedom, making a man unable to work, to focus, and to experience his masculine energy.

As women, we are used to the chaos that is life – we have emotional roller-coasters, mood swings, and we get down or overly happy for periods of time.

This kind of emotionality, I mean the kind of emotions that us women feel on a day-today basis just feel very unnatural to a man.

The Science Behind why a Man Withdraws…

In fact there’s a lot of research and a lot of scientific evidence behind this idea that when men get too attached, they feel uncomfortable and uneasy.

You see as men bond with women, this increases a hormone called Oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that lowers a woman’s stress levels, but in men, it actually has the effect of lowering his testosterone, which can actually RAISE his stress levels. So, too much bonding causes men to start feeling uncomfortable.

Think about when you’re in a relationship and you feel kind of suffocated…That’s the stress levels going up from too much closeness.
This too much closeness happens much sooner for men than for women when it comes to emotional bonding.

What happens is, as men get closer, things are going well, the Oxytocin levels go up, they start bonding…. Then men will tend to want to pull away in order to rebuild their testosterone levels.

At that point this creates a lot of confusion for women, where they often will say things like, “why are you pulling away? Why didn’t you call? What’s going on?”

“Do you not LOVE me anymore?”

See my post on why he pulls away…

What Men Really Want from You

See what men want to experience most is freedom. Often, if a man is telling you that he’s not ready to commit, what he’s really saying is that he’s afraid of being drawn in to you – he’s attracted by you – but he feels like it’s going to put restraints on his freedom or make him feel like he’s not able to have his own life.

So, with this understanding now, I want you to go away, and the next time you feel him withdrawing, just stop. Instead of feeling like his withdrawal from you is something to fear, think of his need for freedom as a gift to you. Because he is being a man. And that is one of the reasons you were attracted to him in the first place.

It’s time you realized (as counter-intuitive as it is to us women) that a man’s need for freedom is only a threat to us IF we don’t WANT him to have his freedom.
The more you fear his need for freedom, the more I want you to remember that this is your chance to bring you and your man closer, to make your man more attracted to you, and more committed to you.

Next time he withdraws, here’s what you can do.

1)       Leave him alone. Let him be. Don’t question him. However, before you do this, I want you to remember that the point is not to just leave him and let him be. The point is to give him his freedom whilst still loving him and being open to him. He still needs your care and love, but give him the space of being a man. After all you wouldn’t like it very much if he wasn’t much of a man!

2)      And when he does comes back to the relationship, receive him openly with love. This doesn’t make you a loser, it doesn’t make you’re a woman who is being used by her man. It means you care about him enough to give him his freedom, and at the same time, not withdraw your love.

Disclaimer: receiving a man openly with love doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be happy or pretend that you are NOT hurt. It just means that you aren’t ‘closed off’ to him, punishing him for his pulling away. You can tell him you feel hurt, and this could still be loving him because you are open to him.

On the other hand – there are men who are simply selfish. Most men, when they are in a relationship, DO care – they just don’t understand how their actions hurt YOU. And if you simply PUNISH him rather than at least remain open to him; he’s not going to get the “hint” even thought you’re trying to give him the hint.

So, whether a man is selfish or simply being a male is a whole other topic, which is perhaps for a separate article in itself.

3)      Part 2 (above) is going to prove to be the hardest of all. It’s not in a woman’s DNA to form a connection and then go empty from that connection for days…..we tend to feel hurt, mistrustful and insecure.

So IF step 2 is stressing you out, remember this important step (no.3). ask yourself:

“do I really want to be in a relationship with another woman? Or do I want to be in a relationship with a MAN?”

Because as much as him withdrawing drives you crazy – he simply doesn’t feel and interpret the withdrawal the way YOU do. To him, he’s just doing his thing. It’s no different than him grabbing a drink of water when he’s thirsty. And would you stop loving him if he was to grab a drink of water? I think not.

So when he withdraws, and then comes back, and you act all snooty and withdraw your love, he’ll be thinking: ‘what?! What have I done?! I did nothing!’ – and it’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he’s a man. And what’s intuitive to him is not what’s intuitive to you as a woman. Remember that.


Most Women Out there Simply Don’t Give Freedom to Their Men.

In fact, not only that, most women don’t understand what mistakes the are making on a daily basis that are actually pushing a man further and further away.

Look, here’s the thing. If you want your man to fully commit his attention and time to you, whether that’s in the form of love, time presence, resources or even exclusivity and marriage, you must help him feel like a man rather than constantly stripping that feeling and freedom away from him.

You see, once a man has the gift of feeling like a man, then he’s going to truly come back to the relationship stronger with more to offer you.

And if you want to get more of an understanding of men and inspire him to commit fully (and emotionally) to you, first complete our short quiz on “Am I dating a commitment friendly man?”

And also take some time and register for our free Commitment Masterclass. Click here for the registration page. 

Alright, please leave a comment below and share with us your personal experiences and what you’ve learned. :)



Article Name
Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal With It
Know exactly why men withdraw from a relationship and learn how to deal with it when it happens to you.
  • amanda

    i understand all that was said in this article, but i dont want to think of not being with him because i really want a woman. I really learned a lot and it is something everyone should read. I have been wondering what is wrong with me that is making him seek other people and now i have a different understanding but i also dont want him to use this as an excuse for his actions. Sure, i have no issue with him having his freedom but i fail to understand why it is when i want my freedom it is a problem. i love my man to dead after 6 years we should be able to understand each others needs. i am happy i found this page but i feel it has made me question a lot of other aspects of not only my relationship but any relationship. if i am missing something please please let me know so i can save my man and me for that matter.

  • patriotgirl

    Hi Renee…this article was just reinforcement to the programs Understanding Men and Commitment Control2. I am a bit confused about when contact is ok and when it’s not. I was dating a man for 2-1/2 months. After every date he would pull away. As we started getting closer, this became more pronounced. Btw, he is a widower of 4-1/2 years. The last time I saw him was June 5th for a picnic bc he had really pulled away. I told him this frightened me and asked why. He blurted out in the mos t painful voice I have ever heard that he didn’t want to get hurt…I [we] ‘was moving too fast…often the brightest lightbulbs burn out first….which I took as his way of saying that he wanted to be sure our feelings were real and just not a fling…of course he also had widower issues of betraying his la te wife bc he was falling in love. I simply told him the tortoise has heard you. 3 weeks after that, no call for a date (althougj daily texts saying he didn’t sleep…bad day…etc). I wrote to you about what to do and Renz gave me the courage to do what you taught in CC2…I texted him “Do you know what I hate about you the most?” He replied 20 minutes later, “what’s that?” Before I could answer, he texted again…”Don’t be mad, I just want to be alone. Just not ready for full–time commitment. Too many things from my past keep coming back.” I responded: “I accept your decision…take the time you need…I will be here if you are ready to talk.” He responded in 1 second flat: “Thank you.” That will be 5 weeks ago in 2 days. I have not contacted him in any way, shape or form. I feel in my gut and heart that this is not over..
    but I feel that the attraction will fade with so much time passing. What do I do? Stay away or send him a text like “If I were you, I’d be missing me a whole lot about now. :)-”

    I have not stopped my life; have been out on dates…just no connection/attraction like I had with him. I know he is dealing with grieving issues and letting go or more accurately putting the past in it’s proper place. Is there anything I should do…aside from waiting?

    Thank you, Deb

  • Warrior Princes

    Hmm, I think there’s something left out of this post. I find it hard to believe men are from another planet (Mars), it’s just that they understand women better — their primary relationship was with their mother and they learned the ‘tools’. Men are “logical” and tend to do things with a purpose. If he withdraws, there’s a real chance he’s testing the woman’s reaction, after lavishing attentions on her. The test is “let’s see just how much she’s into me”. He’s expecting the emotional texts like “How are you? Is everything ok?” With a grin on his face, he says “yeah, she’s into me” and proceeds with further testing her patience/emotional limits. If he gets more responses, he’ll either assume he can now kick back, have his cake and eat it too. If she’s angry/emotional, he’ll think: “Good riddance, psycho!” If he does not — he’ll assume “wow, she doesn’t give a piss about me, so I’ll continue not giving a piss about her. Next!”

    Men are competitive, and they compete in the dating scene – and you are their unwilling opponent. Men date/”love” with their Egos — stroke it, or be gone. It’s often described that a passionate love stems from a feeling of ‘longing’ . He longs for you, but if you give in (the unconditional love recommended on this blog), he won – and you are now on the back-burner, slow-simmer (letting him be the MAN). I don’t buy this.

    To me, being the ‘feminine woman’ is the same as being the ‘warrior-princess’ — a worthy opponent who beats him at his own game (after all, he started it). In my experience, men don’t want what they say they want – unconditional love, acceptance, etc. These are ‘bandages’ to heal their wounds. They are much more stimulated by a ‘game of chess’.

    Men lie about their feelings all the time: “I’m fine”, “I love you”, “I need space”. Men do not practice authenticity. They also meet their needs from a woman covertly, instead of admitting they have needs, hence the ‘games’. When a man pulls away — he’s testing how much of his shit you can put up with. So what’s the solution? Behave in a way that he’s not expecting – throw him a bone (he’ll grin at it), then go MIA as well. Monkey see – monkey do.

  • Kirsten Baker

    So I have been going through this for a few months now, my partner one day just disappeared for about 3 weeks out of 4, he didn’t know why he did he and no matter how many times I tried to contact him he wouldnt respond, he has 3 children to 2 mothers and we only met just under a year ago, he doesnt get his kids as often as he would like to and he left his job to see them more. Now that school holidays are on he’s gone again and I havent heard from him in 2 weeks. He knows he has to get himself together but doesnt want my help and wont really talk about it. He still says he loves me and cares deeply for me. We havent been together that long and I dont know where he lives, I think predominantly because hes protecting his kids! I havent met the kids as his gf but he did withdraw very closely after I spent the day with him and his daughter. Any advice would be great, I dont think hes being selfish, I honeslty think he has no idea hes doing it……….but ur right it does hurt like hell!!!

  • Olivia

    This is a very surprising thing to learn… I never realised that men actually function in this way and the real reason why I’m so surprised is because I also love to withdraw into my own space and recharge in order to get back to socializing with that “I love life” enthusiasm back in place… and I am a woman… and I was worried that a man might not understand this!

  • Butterfly Queen

    I want to thank you for your beautiful insight and outstanding wisdom. I hahave been struggling with this concept for a long time. I can show you the date/time stamps from my regular visits to this page just to reread this post. I have reconciled with my ex (who I was with when I discovered your blog) and still I didn’t come to a clear understanding about this until this week. My bf is a normal man so he withdraws and I would always have a hard time giving him his freedom. This week I felt him drifting and I knew that the universe was presenting me with this issue again because I had not conquered it. So I put all my mental energy into sending him off with love and staying focused on me anf nurturing myself. Lol and behold it worked! Today he returned without any prodding from me. What a lovely feeling!

    To anyone reading this post please be encouraged. Renee has sound wisdom….trust that!