Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it

Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it

Why Do Men Pull Away From You & The Relationship?

Men withdraw from the relationship; they pull away. It’s what happens.

Women do it sometimes, too – but with men; usually, they are only either going deeper in to the relationship with you; or they’re moving away; to do things that make them feel like men.

And, when he pulls away; to you – it hurts. You get angry. Sad. You feel unloved. You no longer feel like that princess or that goddess that perhaps he once treated you as. (Click to download my “Goddess Report”) 

So, why do men pull away in relationships and what to do when men pull away?

What is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman

The problem here is that men and women are hardwired completely differently. As women, we tend to think, value and believe certain things that are different to what a man would tend to think, value and believe.

See, what’s intuitive to us women, can be completely foreign to men. I was speaking to my fiancee David the other week, and he brought something up that was like an absolute “Ah-HAH” or a breakthrough for him, but to me as a woman, that breakthrough that he had was …almost commonsense. It was something that was obviously intuitive for me, but it wasn’t for him.

I was all like ‘have you been living under a rock?’ and he was like: ‘what are you talking about?’

Yet, if I was to go to my girlfriends and bring that particular thing up; they’d get it. in a heartbeat.

And the reverse is also true, what is intuitive to a man, can be completely foreign to us as women.

See my post Understanding Men: 5 Insights Into Men to Ease Your Worries

How to get a man to commit more of his time, attention and exclusivity and marriage

So if you want a man to commit more of his time, presence, attention and love, or even exclusivity and marriage, then make sure you tune in to the knowledge and action steps I’m about to give you.

If you don’t learn the concepts and ideas that I will share with you, then your man may just take you for granted even more, you won’t feel very special in your relationship if you have one, and you’ll really struggle to get his attention.

I know that most of us women have wondered: ‘why does a man withdraw?!’

‘Why does he just seem to disappear like that?!’

‘Why hasn’t he called for so long?’

‘What, am I invisible now?’

‘What’s going on?’

‘Is it me? Is it my body? Have I done something to upset him?’

And most women have struggled with this problem. In fact, it’s most likely ALL women. And it seems like a phenomenon that is impossible to understand, and it may be causing you a lot of suffering, but here’s the key:

It doesn’t have to.

A man withdrawing from the relationship doesn’t have to cause you suffering.

From my experience working with women, I have discovered that most women really fail to have the deep connection, passion and love they really want with their man because of the lack of understanding about why men withdraw, and the meaning they give it when their man withdraws.

But all of your problems really come from a lack of understanding of men.

So today, I’m going to give you the understanding to be able to deal with a man withdrawing. If you don’t understand it, and you DON’T know how to deal with it, it could lead to your man withdrawing even more, it could lead to your man resenting you, and of course, in the worst case scenario, it could lead to break up or divorce.
If you know how to deal with it, your relationship will run much more smoothly for you, and even better – you’ll be able to inspire your man to commit even more of his attention and time to you. You’ll be able to achieve true happiness in your relationship, and have your man adore you at a level most women only dream of.

See my post on how to talk to a man so he won’t pull away or go cold.

Quiz: Am I dating a commitment friendly man? Find out here.

So, Why do Men Pull Away from the Relationship?

To help you understand why, let me ask you a few questions:

How would you feel if you were around a man who was highly emotional? For example: he was able to cry at the drop of a hat, and feel all “lovey-dovey” with you almost every day? He is so emotional that he melts like butter. Imagine him being incredibly relaxed and wanting to talk and connect with you all the time.

How would you feel around a man like this?

You may think ‘oh my goodness – I would LOVE if my man would do this!’

Yes, you may – for a couple of days at best. But eventually, whether you like it or not – you would start to feel a little uneasy, a little uncomfortable, and you’ll start to lose attraction for him. And sometimes you may even be a bit confused or disgusted by him.

You don’t want a man who’s more emotional than you, now do you?

He’s Not a Woman!!!

Why do you think you lose attraction for him?

It’s because you no longer feel polarized by him…

It’s because you won’t be feeling his masculine energy. So as a result, you may feel like you’re in a relationship with one of your girlfriends! You don’t want your man to be like one of your girlfriends!

In fact, the reason you were attracted to a man in the first place was largely to do with the masculine energy he gave out. His presence, his strength, intelligence, his sense of humor, his potential to be a good provider, etc….this is all happening naturally, sometimes without you being aware of it.

What we women really want deep down is to be in a relationship with a MAN – but because of the society we live in – none of us are taught how to understand the opposite sex! We want to be in a relationship with a man, but when a man acts differently than we do, we get all hurt, confused and worried.

But here’s the truth of why men withdraw: It’s because they want to feel like, and be a man.

How interesting! 🙂

When a man is engaged with you emotionally, he may truly enjoy it and see it as a beautiful gift, but after some time (usually a shorter period than us women would like), he has to withdraw back in to his own space.

The reason men seem to pull away is because the emotional attachment feels like a burden to them. At least when that attachment is consuming energy that he could otherwise put towards his purpose and his mission or to feeling the freedom that makes him feel like a man.

By all means – most men are happy to be in a loved-up world with us for a time, but they have to get out of it also, in order to accomplish their mission.

A lot of women assume that men feel the same kind of feelings that we do – men do have emotions too of course, and they feel emotions in the same intensity as women, but they don’t feel them in the same exact way that we do.

Us women drawing men in to the world of emotionality can sometimes cause them to feel like they’re losing their freedom, making a man unable to work, to focus, and to experience his masculine energy.

As women, we are used to the chaos that is life – we have emotional roller-coasters, mood swings, and we get down or overly happy for periods of time.

This kind of emotionality, I mean the kind of emotions that us women feel on a day-today basis just feel very unnatural to a man.

The Science Behind why a Man Withdraws…

In fact there’s a lot of research and a lot of scientific evidence behind this idea that when men get too attached, they feel uncomfortable and uneasy.

You see as men bond with women, this increases a hormone called Oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that lowers a woman’s stress levels, but in men, it actually has the effect of lowering his testosterone, which can actually RAISE his stress levels. So, too much bonding causes men to start feeling uncomfortable.

Think about when you’re in a relationship and you feel kind of suffocated…That’s the stress levels going up from too much closeness.
This too much closeness happens much sooner for men than for women when it comes to emotional bonding.

What happens is, as men get closer, things are going well, the Oxytocin levels go up, they start bonding…. Then men will tend to want to pull away in order to rebuild their testosterone levels.

At that point this creates a lot of confusion for women, where they often will say things like, “why are you pulling away? Why didn’t you call? What’s going on?”

“Do you not LOVE me anymore?”

See my post on why he pulls away…

What Men Really Want from You

See what men want to experience most is freedom. Often, if a man is telling you that he’s not ready to commit, what he’s really saying is that he’s afraid of being drawn in to you – he’s attracted by you – but he feels like it’s going to put restraints on his freedom or make him feel like he’s not able to have his own life.

So, with this understanding now, I want you to go away, and the next time you feel him withdrawing, just stop. Instead of feeling like his withdrawal from you is something to fear, think of his need for freedom as a gift to you. Because he is being a man. And that is one of the reasons you were attracted to him in the first place.

It’s time you realized (as counter-intuitive as it is to us women) that a man’s need for freedom is only a threat to us IF we don’t WANT him to have his freedom.
The more you fear his need for freedom, the more I want you to remember that this is your chance to bring you and your man closer, to make your man more attracted to you, and more committed to you.

Next time he withdraws, here’s what you can do.

1)       Leave him alone. Let him be. Don’t question him. However, before you do this, I want you to remember that the point is not to just leave him and let him be. The point is to give him his freedom whilst still loving him and being open to him. He still needs your care and love, but give him the space of being a man. After all you wouldn’t like it very much if he wasn’t much of a man!

2)      And when he does comes back to the relationship, receive him openly with love. This doesn’t make you a loser, it doesn’t make you’re a woman who is being used by her man. It means you care about him enough to give him his freedom, and at the same time, not withdraw your love.

Disclaimer: receiving a man openly with love doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be happy or pretend that you are NOT hurt. It just means that you aren’t ‘closed off’ to him, punishing him for his pulling away. You can tell him you feel hurt, and this could still be loving him because you are open to him.

On the other hand – there are men who are simply selfish. Most men, when they are in a relationship, DO care – they just don’t understand how their actions hurt YOU. And if you simply PUNISH him rather than at least remain open to him; he’s not going to get the “hint” even thought you’re trying to give him the hint.

So, whether a man is selfish or simply being a male is a whole other topic, which is perhaps for a separate article in itself.

3)      Part 2 (above) is going to prove to be the hardest of all. It’s not in a woman’s DNA to form a connection and then go empty from that connection for days…..we tend to feel hurt, mistrustful and insecure.

So IF step 2 is stressing you out, remember this important step (no.3). ask yourself:

“do I really want to be in a relationship with another woman? Or do I want to be in a relationship with a MAN?”

Because as much as him withdrawing drives you crazy – he simply doesn’t feel and interpret the withdrawal the way YOU do. To him, he’s just doing his thing. It’s no different than him grabbing a drink of water when he’s thirsty. And would you stop loving him if he was to grab a drink of water? I think not.

So when he withdraws, and then comes back, and you act all snooty and withdraw your love, he’ll be thinking: ‘what?! What have I done?! I did nothing!’ – and it’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he’s a man. And what’s intuitive to him is not what’s intuitive to you as a woman. Remember that.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away


Most Women Out there Simply Don’t Give Freedom to Their Men.

In fact, not only that, most women don’t understand what mistakes the are making on a daily basis that are actually pushing a man further and further away.

Look, here’s the thing. If you want your man to fully commit his attention and time to you, whether that’s in the form of love, time presence, resources or even exclusivity and marriage, you must help him feel like a man rather than constantly stripping that feeling and freedom away from him.

You see, once a man has the gift of feeling like a man, then he’s going to truly come back to the relationship stronger with more to offer you.

And if you want to get more of an understanding of men and inspire him to commit fully (and emotionally) to you, first complete our short quiz on “Am I dating a commitment friendly man?”

And also take some time and register for our free Commitment Masterclass. Click here for the registration page. 

Alright, please leave a comment below and share with us your personal experiences and what you’ve learned. 🙂



  • Thomson Shellie

    Please tell me what to do my husband is very critical on me and asks me to do so much, I normally do it, but he just keeps piling on more. We separated about 3 years ago because he developed an emotional connection with another woman, we he has not stopped talking to I’ve told him if he wants to explore his options he can just not while he’s with me, I’ve talked to him about it before when he was being too flirty with her talking about Cumming together. I told him how it hurts me, but whenever they respond a rough patch in our relationship he will go to her. I try to understand him but I’m more now just fed up with it since he spends more time and goes more out of his way for this woman and his friends, he still does nice things for me, buys groceries for our kids, help me get my car fixed, but what do I do? Any suggestions

  • Thomson Shellie

    Please tell me what to do my husband is very critical on me and asks me to do so much, I normally do it, but he just keeps piling on more. We separated about 3 years ago because he developed an emotional connection with another woman, he has not stopped talking to her I’ve told him if he wants to explore his options he can, just not while he’s with me, I’ve talked to him about it before when he was being too flirty with her talking about Cumming together. I told him how it hurts me, but whenever we have a rough patch in our relationship he will go to her. I try to understand him but I’m more now just fed up with it since he spends more time and goes more out of his way for this woman and his friends, he still does nice things for me, buys groceries for our kids, help me get my car fixed, but what do I do? This is a picture of the sex cam girl.

  • Adam

    I think many people are getting this article mixed up with relationship problems bordering on breakups, but I think the real aim of this article was meant to be applied to stable relationships and the day to day interactions with your SO, not referring to “breaks” in a relationship. As a married man I can say that this article hits the nail on the head, I adore my wife but by the time I’ve worked a full week, dealt with the various issues life throws at you daily, worked on the honey do list, and who knows what else every week, I am in desperate need of some “me” time to unwind. I usually spend a Friday or Saturday night, once she is tired or in bed, in solitude (reading, games, tv etc.) However it has been EXCEPTIONALLY difficult to get across to her that this withdrawal is not in any way a desire to get away from her in particular, simply a way to get away from the stresses in life for a bit and center myself. Because men (at least myself) tend to get horribly stressed out and time to do our own thing goes a long way toward having the emotional energy to give our significant other more (because we simply don’t have as much of it as you ladies do and we perceive the world differently) However when we are attacked or punished for doing this it will absolutely cause resentment and that is where we begin to pull away even more, because yes there is nothing more aggravating than not being able to do what you want to do as a grown man (or knowing that it will result in some icy cold behavior) I personally don’t mind one bit if my wife wants to go do something with her friends or be alone, and I would never dream of telling her she can’t or treat her differently or unkindly simply because she needed some “girl” time. All that to say this article is spot on, don’t punish us ladies, we really are doing what feels natural and what helps us feel BEST so that we can be the best, for you all.

  • Gesamtzusammenhang

    I’m a male, and stumbled on this post after looking into a few relationship things. It’s an interesting perspective. Some of the wording is vague (“masculine ‘energy'”; “freedom”), but I think it’s onto something. The scientific portion could have been better developed. I suspect that women have a simplistic idea of male biology, simply because it seems straightforward and less complex than their own.

    Among other things, testosterone regulates mood, emotion, and boosts esteem and confidence. It’s not that women are more emotional – both genders have the same repertoire of emotions (although there is strong evidence, based on the fact that the male hypothalamus is 2.2 times larger than the females’, that men are capable of greater emotional intensity than women). It’s that women have lower levels of testosterone (it’s still present in small amounts), which would otherwise temper their reactions to events or stimuli.

    Testosterone levels drop during a relationship, especially for men that become fathers. The evolutionary reason for this is that testosterone assists in the competition for females. If you already have someone you’ve reproduced with, you’ve grown somewhat removed from the competition. But the blowback for losing testosterone is immediate: less mood regulation, depression, loss of confidence, and feelings of lost adequacy (this is men’s health 101). It’s not necessarily that men are loath to commit, it’s that commitment may make us feel like our very being is in a process of erosion. In such a case, Renee would be correct to point out that this process is completely independent from whether or not a man is in love with you. You can be in love with someone, and still feel like your mind is in turmoil.

  • Stewart Moir

    I’m a guy and reading this kinda helped me answer some questions I had about my own actions. Thanks!

  • Squidday

    Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can only stretch so far before they come springing back.

    Sometimes men need to take a step back for a while. There’s every possibility that it has nothing to do with you. Although if it feels like he’s completely lost interest, I recommend checking out Slade Shaw’s guide. He basically goes into the male psychology on why men lose interest and how to make him stay in love. Really interesting stuff. Here’s direct a link to his video/guide: tinyurl.com/SladesVideo

    My advice would be try not to take it personally. (Easier said than done I know!)

    • CocoLena

      Love the rubber band metaphor! And thank you for the great share Squidday.

      • Jo

        But what if you feel like he’s cheating on you? Cause you find him saying he needs space and he talks to other women about our relationship and recently I found an email from enquiringly about a sex party. He denied everything. I know he’s stressed but how am I give him space when I don’t trust him?

        • ADB227

          I think what is mixing is the context. If he is just kind of doing his thing for a few days, that is a different feeling than ignoring you completely and just dropping in whenever he desires.
          It is ok to say how you feel, using “i feel” expressions, and set some boundaries.
          They might not be women, but we aren’t doormats.
          Space is good, games are games.
          I like to ask if this behavior is the norm, then I am asking about the behavior , so it doesn’t feel like an attack.
          If he wants more space than you want to give, you also have the option to keep “your” options open.
          We aren’t love slaves. 🙂

  • Optimistic85

    Hi Renee,
    I agree with your article and am trying to do point number 1 at the moment and I definitely do feel less worry than I would do normally. I think I understand why the guy I’m dating is pulling away, as we were very close at the weekend and I could kinda feel that it was too much for him even though he was enjoying it. He refused my last date request and now I haven’t heard from him in 2 days, he normally contacts me every day. I’m leaving him alone but how long does it have to be till it turns from giving him space to he’s no longer interested. If I haven’t heard from him in a week, I won’t be able to help but feel rejected. Feeling confused. If you could shed some light on this that would be great. 🙂 Thanks.

  • Yasashii

    I started dating AJ 6 weeks ago.. We instantly connected physically and mentally. His career requires a lot of his time that it’s very unpredictable when he can go home everyday. Sometimes he comes home at 2am. And trust is not the issue. I trust him. He often tells me that he hasn’t been this much open to anyone, that he never thought he can be this close so quickly because he never had a real connection since 8 years ago. Therefore , we hangout on weekends. I go to his place since he lives in NY and me in NJ 🙁
    5 weeks into dating, he have me driving his car, ez pass and all so it’ll be easier and less expensive for us to see each other..
    This weekend Friday we had a great date, I went to work the next day then called him to see if he wants to hang out again…
    He asked if he could take this weekend to himself to get back to his own space.
    I flipped out and have him an attitude.. I confused and feel like he’s pushing me away. He did admit he feels like this is too much for him. I asked him if he wants to break up, he said he’s doing the opposite. I’m not comfortable w this and I’m beginning to feel that we are just not on the same page.
    I need an opinion.

  • Coco Lee

    How do i know he really needs a break or it’s just a way to break up

    • ADB227

      This is one piece of advice that is very “iffy” –
      I like progressive men, and I refuse to deal with this.
      Yes, I can understand if there are a few days where you don’t say much to each other, but to completely ignore someone sporadically, for ‘whatever’ reason is rude and controlling. Do you want to spend years feeling like you are disposable?
      Man cave issues are more about a short length of time, but keeping in touch still.
      Not completely “gone” for a few days at a time.
      Think how they would react if we did this.
      They would be very worried!
      Get some guy who values ‘you’, and will at the least give you a heads up.
      I don’t know any successful or confident woman who would deal with that crap.
      Just my opinion 🙂
      (if you think they want “space”, turn it around on them and tell them “you” want space … watch how quick they “get it”.)

  • If I could give one big piece of advice it would be when a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason.

    If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s.

    If it’s really bugging you, there’s an amazing guide by Slade Shaw. He shows you why men lose interest and how to stop him from wanting to pull away. Here is a direct link to his video and guide: tinyurl.com/WhyMenPull

  • Amber Gregory.

    Hello my name is Amber. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a long time. We have been arguing lately alot. Being a women and all it hurts when he pulls away in these moments. Hes been going through a rough patch in his life and he used to talk to me and come to me for help but not anymore. He pushes me away in these times. I understand its hard for a man to be emotional with someone but it sucks for me. I hate seeing him unhappy and i would like to just make him happy. He pulls away and tells me he loves me but i would think you would go to someone you love for comfort instead of pulling away, guys are so confusing.

  • dianna faber

    I am Dianna from Michigan, i was in a serious relationship with my Ex
    Boyfriend for three good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we
    had a
    little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left
    me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my
    calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my
    brother had to see him on my behalf,he told my
    brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine
    that once had a similar problem and she directed me to one of the
    spiritual diviner (rasheedtemple@gmail.com).at first i thought it was
    not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a
    little requirement,so i did what i was ask to do, after 2 days i was in
    my office when my Boyfriend called me and was asking me to forgive him and
    come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever
    since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely
    baby(Ceslav)…you can contact this great spell caster with name Dr Rasheed from India through his email at( rasheedtemple@gmail.com )i wish you the best of luck……………………..

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