Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it

this makes a lot of sense, woman we sometimes feel man cant understand us and viceversa, that love should be stronger, you can love someone and for us is hard when after being so close, guys can completely pull away and dissapear even if they do love you. It happened to me, many factors tho, different countries, personalities, but we felt like the oppoites attract were true for us. He was the sweetest man ever, but he wasnt used to be like that, he was normally quiet not affeccionate or it was hard for him to express how he felt. If man get themselves get influenced by the environemnet lets say the moment we started to struggle was when one of his friends almost killed himself cause his ex cheated on him and left him when engaged. the other friend was getting divorced, etc. And his job –diver– but very stressful lately, and he wouldnt say if soomething was wrong, hed be venting on me but also more distant. I read other articles and it said that when i man feel like he cannot make you happy he rathers be alone. I wanted to understand what was going on in his mind not to cause trouble, he saw it as if he couldnt make me happy, this was the most seirous relationship for both, he had had only a regular girlfriend when 18, now is 25, we talked since he was 23 and I was 22. He said that thats why he didnt like relationships. because te emotional thing, and that arguing like that make him want to die alone…another note to it, he used to drink daily before we met, when we were together he wanted to be “a better maan for me” and he stop drinking and put himself together. we broke up in february while i was in a exchangge in Usa, he pulled away and dissapeared like unreliable since the middle of feb to mid of march, when i had to come back to my country and he finally agreed to see me and drove me to the airport. Anyways, we ended as friends, that wed be in touch but fter i said i was grateful for all and being nice he pulled away harder and now i found out he is drinking more, probbaly daily and now he does stays up later and things he wouldnt do when we were together.. so complicated, i think i need teraphy lol, it was my first guy, we lasted 1 year and 3 months but met him 2 years ago. Hard, hard to think “if he did love me why he ignored mE” I rather recall the positive only…right? lesson learned

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I’m a man, and I pulled away from my ex because I started seeing red flags in our relationship. We had talked about marriage, and I told her about things that were absolute dealbreakers for me. She would always talk about breaking up, why I was the one and why did I pick her (I had dated more than she had), and she would always smother me. The final straw was the fact that we had a minor fight, but she had a temper tantrum and she threw a glass against the wall. I have had friends to tell me that what happens in your relationship…it intensifies by 5 when you get married. So I had visited her, she embarrassed me in a restaurant, and she didn’t take responsibility for what she did. When I saw that, I ran and ran fast. I love her, but that isn’t the way love is supposed to be. The part about letting a man be a man is VERY important; however, it would be better if women communicated with their men and listened to what makes them happy and what bothers them. I would rather be alone than to spend time with someone who will not let you be yourself. That applies for both men and women. You should always be yourself and be true to yourself no matter what.

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Renee, this is the best article ever I’ve read in a year since meeting a great guy T my 60th class reunion birthday event last year May 26.Us Women have the tendency to get over excited when we meet a man to our liking. I had to relearn what it is Men find attracrive in Women they’d settle down with. Just as he has his freedom I have learned to have fun dancing, etc. specially for now. Will be passing this article on to my Great grandchild.

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This article makes sense to some degree, but do not forget that there are people, men (and am sure women – to be fair) who are passive aggressive and/or emotionally abusive. Emotional withdrawal is a tactic for such men. When assessing a man’s intentions, this needs to be considered. I just got out of a relationship because this occurred several times. Yes, it started wonderfully, full of love, attention, etc. I gave him his “space” each time he seemed remote, but the last time was just too much. In addition to withdrawal, I caught him in minor lies; he made humiliating remarks about me in public, backhanded/insulting/patronizing remarks out of alleged “kindness” and did “drive-bys” of the house of his ex-girlfriend/mother of his child with me and his father in the car. They were involved in a custody fight and the child didn’t want to live with her father. I began to feel like a spoke in the wheel, an object, one part of his compartmentalized life. Keep this in mind when your partner withdraws.

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Sometimes I just feel like my man duped me. When we first started dating, he told me he wanted to be exclusive, he wanted me to be completely open to him, and was anxious for me to fall in love with him.
1 year later, we are still seeing each other and now I love him deeply but he is always pulling away from me. He is stressed out with money/ job issues but he doesn’t like to tell me about his problems. But he has this female friend that he used to like, and she knows more about his financial situation than I do!
He will allow her to buy him food or help him with bills while he is struggling, but he won’t let me spend a dime on him. Even with all my worries I try to leave him be as best i can, and I check in on him sometimes. But he can go 3 days or more without contacting me now. should I just give him space?

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Anna C Reply:
April 29th, 2013 at 11:27 am

Hola Stillconfused. I think you should give YOU space. By that I mean, withdraw and reflect until you feel more balanced and truly confident. In my experience, when I feel like I’m insecure and needy, all my interactions with my man do NOT get me what I want (which is him to come closer) and might even push him away more. When you want something from a guy, you come across as desperate and guys can sniff that out subconsciously like crazy. I just “woke up” from a desperate phase… I even realised my guy FRIENDS pulling away from me! Just one day I woke up and interacted with my guy in a more easy way, and he was really sweet and attracted to me.. maybe it was because he was acting very masculine that day and it made me feel happy and safe… but my point is, I would take some time to reflect and do things that take your mind outside of the relationship so that you don’t give off an insecure subconscious vibe. Whenever I start to think and worry about my relationship, I pick up a book. You can also watch a funny movie, or go out with girlfriends, or if you like this, a mani/pedi.

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Anna C Reply:
April 29th, 2013 at 11:32 am

If you want to comfort him from a place of non-neediness (as in, you don’t EXPECT anything from him in return and won’t resent him if he does not give you gratitude in return), you can take steps comfort your man. One way that works for me is to cook him something for dinner one night, or make him a drink when he’s working, or just do something that will ease his life, whether it be recording the Champions League matches for him if he’s going to miss it, or making him his favorite dessert or meal, or asking him to go exercise with you to blow off steam, if he’s into that.

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You have no idea how your article has mentally helps me. All my life I have felt something missing.. I always did the right things in relationships eg. Look after my partner, all household duties , worked, paid my bills, unconditional love for them, everything I could do I would.
I never understood why my partners left me for other woman. They always said I was the best they had, the nicest , loving ,caring etc but they left for other woman.
I have been so sad for years wondering what was wrong with me , to the point of depression and therapy for years.
I realise I suffocate them lol, sad but true. My wanting to love someone is scaring them to death. They say I’m mental, insecure, needy.
It’s not that I’m any of this , it’s just that I love too much and want a partner that feels the same way. I will now back off from my current partner as he is pulling away also.
I will try all your suggestions and I thank you and love you so much that I have finally found a forum that can give advice without having to buy materials that explain “jack shit” . My love life is indebted to you . Thank you so much !! I’m now extremely happy .

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Renee Wade Reply:
April 24th, 2013 at 3:21 am

Hi Karen, You are very welcome! Thanks for your comment and lovely words! xox Renee.

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For the Ladies.
I can tell you as a man that this is one of the single most sound pieces of advice a woman can take on board.
Actually until reading this i thought that my wanting to pull away was some kind of flaw in my make up.
We are so used to hearing women say “why can’t men commit”

Bless you renee

Of course men have to balance the need to pull away with a woman’s need to connect, but both sides having info about what is intuitive to the other is a big help.

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idealistic Reply:
May 12th, 2013 at 11:15 pm

A man on a woman forum? thats cool, not many guys look for understanding or stuff like this this deff help us and i wish i read this before…when it was the right time. Some people say man can withdraw like even fro 7 months, i read a comment of a girl who persued his bf and he pulled away much more. When she stopped, he came back by his own. How different is that when a relationship is “done” the withdrawall can be counted as well? ’cause i broke up with my bfriend 3 months ago and last month ive been more of a pursueing, i stopped but different countries and all make it hard. I dont think he will come back even if i ignore but it will def be a lesson.

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Nessa Reply:
May 13th, 2013 at 7:47 am

Honestly since you broke up with him you need to just give him space. If he really loves you he’ll do whatever he can to try to win you back. Sad to say, but if he doesn’t, maybe the pulling away really was him just tryign to communicate he doesn’t feel the same for you any more and it’s effectively “over” before you broke up with him. And there is a diff. between pulling away emotionally and pulling away all together because it’s over. Trust your gut. Some men get in this rut where they become insecure and need to reassert their control and often times it comes out to us women as being mean or insensitive or less romantic etc. But if you just cont. to act normal and don’t poke him as to why he’s “acting this way”, because honestly they know what they’re doing, but they don’t wanna talk about their feelings (some guys do and will come out with it), he’ll come back more grounded and loving. Try to put it in a reverse perspective, the more intensely in love you are with your partner the more likely you are worried they will hurt you, regardless if you 100% trust them because past hurts are always in the back of a person’s mind. Over time we can completelly get over them though.

I personally love talking about my feelings,but only when I’m comfortable and if someone pokes me to talk I just say BS stuff and try to divert as far away as possible from talking about how I feel. I never act out, that’s important, I just emotionally withdrawal a bit and get quiet when the subject goes towards maybe me having to express my feelings.

A healthy withdrawal is one where your man comes back to you loyal, loving and ready to just cont. where you left off. It does not mean they ignore you for a weeks, cheat on you, treat you like down right crap to the point of abuse. If anyone’s man is being that nasty because they can’t or won’t talk about what’s going on inside their head, you need to sit him down and say “This is mean. That is not a joke and I don’t feel loved. Come around when you can give me respect and love to me. In the mean time, I’ll be here waiting. I love you, but I’m not a punching bag.” (it’s important to emphasis YOUR feelings and try not to pin everything on him and just let him know this is how you feel and that you’ll be there when he’s done sorting. Cause if you just get all angry at him he may lash out more and men need loving words just as much as we do. They just don’t ask for them cause they’re men!). Note: he may still lash out because you’re making him feel stuff (i.e.guilt and sadness for withdrawling and taking it out on you), but then when he comes back around don’t bring it up, he will bring it up if it really was the “bad” withdrawal. Let him come to you and just say sorry if he wants or not. THe last thing you ever wanna do is continually go harpy mode. It’s healthy to fight, but too much is unhealthy. Ok I’m done ranting.

Source of knowledge: the love of my life is a soldier and when he gets overwhelmed emotionally he becomes a pain in the arse, but I love him regardless because I know how stressed out he can get and it’s not easy having his emotions on his sleeve even half the time.

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idealistic Reply:
May 13th, 2013 at 5:00 pm

Hi Nessa, I appreciate you taking the time to write me in here. Soldiers haha, yep he is in the navy, deep sea diver but I think is fair for you to know the whole storie, is way more complicated than you think. First, yes, he isnt very much confortable with talkking bout emotions, his past girlfriend was when he was 18 and he is 25 now, the same, i didnt had a serious relationship, im 24, so for both it was the big deal but u must know that it was a long distance relationship. Usa and Peru in south america, that makes it harder. He pursued me for 9 months, talking, being loyal to each other, the guy was super into me even tho I didnt trust him being that awesome and sometimes tested him or being a bitch, hed stay always. He was in the middle east thats why he couldnt come earlier. As soon as he was sent home, he asked for his leave (3 weeks) to be with me. We had a good time, few little argues but nothing that could over weight the good, of being together, I realized he was more expressive through the internet but still we had good chemestry and he was my first intimate man, so you can imagine how attached I got afterwards when he left. And he was a little bit more distant and im assuming that was his “cave” moment but i didnt know how to handle it, Id say why u changed etc and get like sad and he got depressed one day, didnt get out of bed and said “i dont make u happy, makes me sad” id try to end up the relationship but he will always, as you said, do anything to win me back. Before he met me he used to drink everyday, with me he changed became a better man and he even said he wanted to marry me etc. He even would give me his password to help him put some pictures etc, there was that level of trust. Three months later, I had been selected to work at a resort, student exchange, I chose one that was 3 hours away from where he lives. I stayed one week with him previous to starting to live at the resort. He took leave the middle of december so he could also drive me there and spent time with his family too. I put my walls down completely that first week and then when we were in bed i played with his phone and without even wanting i saw a conversation that he initiated with a girl he used to like in high school, and i reacted negatively, i thought he was flirting and i said i will enter to see the whole convo so i dont think bad, but the password was different, i asked him if he changed it and he said no…but then FB made a remember saying “u changed it last monday” which was the same day he talked to her and he drove me to the resort. Why would he lie if it wasnt nothing wrong? i wanted to break up with him but he said he loved me etc and it didnt mean anything so he deleted her from FB. Ever since, I couldnt trust him completely, he would have had white little lies before too but id rather much better honesty. The thing is, in new years he came to my place where i lived with roommates and was more focused on drinking that actually spending quality time with me, he wanted to drink more but i felt uncomfortable with the people i didnt know and he got mad at me to the point he wanted to drive back to his place..that was the first time ever he mentioned that “maybe is better for us to be friends” because he felt he “ruined” my life because i didnt wanna party and go out as before. To me, it felt like because we dont live in the same country i just wanted to have quality time with him as much as posible, Then, january came and he told me hed be able to drive every weekend to spend time with me, this day he said i wont be able and i was sad and i said “ok if its boys time im ok with it” but he got mad and said to me on the phone “ure making me look like a piece of shit, i cant go this weekend, i need time to do my stuff, deal with things in here, is not like when i see u all stays color rose in my place, i cant postpone my life like ive been doing the past few weeks” OUCH. i told him i rather him coming when he wants than when he thinks he have to and didnt speak to him for 4 days, i was about to leave him, he said sory that he was stressed out for a test, his job was crazy etc. The thing is, last time I saw him was jan 25th. After that i got sick and he was morew withdrawal, i felt he wasnt as excited as before, before meeting each other hed want to talk to me every day and ask bout my day etc, nowi it was me who came back from work and text him bout how he was doing and it felt more like a “imma read, imma, eat, imma sleep” thing. We then used to talk on the phone and hed be annoyed, more negative, venting on me, wanting to go to sleep early, well he used to sleep always like at 9 maximum 10pm because he wakes up early but the thing is i felt as if he didnt wanna talk to me. I tried so much, our natures were different,. I found myself thinking bout him everyday but felt it wasnt reciprocated. I broke up with him on february 9th and for the first time he was ok with it, next day i was sad called him and blamed all on me saying he was tired of feeling judge and it was gonna say the same over and over again, next day after being mean like that he texted me saying sorry that he will always care, he loves me and wants me to be happy. I really thoight we will make up for valentines day but he didnt say anthing, he just said good morning have a nice day and i didnt answer back on whatsapp(txt message) and after that, I didnt heard of him for 4 days! I called him the following week and he didnt answer but the next day with the typical “sorry being busy” and it was like that the whole month, i even saw him late on Fb which made me feel like hey, with me he went to bed early. When i tried to fix things saying its just a test he said nah, his job was busy he is not stable and wont be able to be there for me, he won be reliable bcuase he wanted to move and epxlore and help in the navy like a lab rat and he didnt wanna hold my life back. Two days after that and not answering to my positive lovy messages he wrote me that he was sick the whole weekend and he is very grateful, that i was amazing and thanked me for always being there for him and to let him know when i go home. But then hed be colder, then two divers died etc, to sum up, i know im explained my wholeee love life haha, he finally agreed to see him on the last day i was there to take me to the airport, he texted me it was hard at work and negative weeks but when i saw him he seemed ok, he told me he started drinking more cause he couldnt sleep in february and he might choose to go to japan for his last 3 years of contract. We did it, we were together but it felt like we didnt really close the chapter. Back in Peru he saw i posted stuff about feeling broken heart and he inboxed me saying he did love me and it was hard to see me watch but the time wasnt right and we couldnt force it but he feels we will see each other again and im the person he cared about the most and pronbably will ever. He has my books and he has to send them to my country so that was an excuse to talk to him, He started withdrawing more when after he told me “maybe when we both r more stable and done with our studies u can come here id like that” i said “nah, find someone with whom u can walk the talk” after saying that he got more distant, short words, and i didnt want that, i want us to be friends but, he dissaoeared, answered me only when talking bout the books, one week ago he was nicer but not looking forward to talk to me much. This past weekend i saw him on the same language website we met, he was online, and so on saturday so ir hurted me to know he does have the time to talk but wouldnt talk to me, I talked to him yesterday, i said i needed to talk to him, he now would read me and ignore the message. I said yesterday by mistake that i loved him still, missed him, and it hurts knowing he feels annoyed to answer me or avoiding talking to me, that i wished we could be friends etc and a lot of cheesy stuff like teach me how to forget u, genuine love doesnt just dissapear, u might be already loooking for new girls, never forget what we had etc…at this point i dont think he will come back to me, he’slooking forward to leave the country in december, excited with whatever might come, which is ok, but i dont understand why he stopped to love me so quickly, or if he avoiuds talking to me to “remember” because he is healing still or because he doesnt give a dang anymore…it hurts me so much, i cried everyday, dreamed with him and it feels so surreal…by now i also promised it was gonna be the last time i said i loved him and he wont have to worry i wont talk to him again..he still needs to confirm me bout my books and it hurts he didnt take the time to answer to all of my texting, i also found out he blocked me on skype. it was obvious i wasnt feeling ok and how cold he acts, i dont understand…idk how hard it hit him the breakuo either cause he doesnt share his feelings and i feel like the whole month of february he was forcing himself to not love me anymore, altho when we saw last time in the middle of march the spark was still there but i could feel he put his walls up. Now, you think he will come back still?

Nessa Reply:
May 13th, 2013 at 5:49 pm

I can definitely feel your pain with teh long distance. My love has tried pushing me away and I flat out told him “I ain’t going anywhere and if you love me as much as you show me and say you do, you’ll move mountains like I will to be with you.” and so whenever he’d get broody and start a fight cause he feels bad he can’t be here with me, like now, lol, and be the bf he thinks he’s not being (cause honestly he’s a wonderful man and he shouldn’t put himself down), I just literally go on a rant and tell him I’m never giving up on him cause it’s true. I’d rather be miserable now waiting for him, than be miserable the rest of my life alone pining for him. The ‘what ifs’ just would kill my soul. So I really think you shouldh’t have broken up with him unless without a shadow of a doubt you knew he was cheating on you. He’s probably hurt you ‘gave up’ basically. I mean it seems to me when I rant to my soldier telling him I’ll never give up on him or us, he comes back stronger. I mean true love doesn’t just come knocking on your door ya know? I’ve also told him flat out, if at any point he doesn’t want a relationship with me now or when he comes home, he can bounce cause I’m never just going to be his friend. For me that would be just as painful as if he was dead because my love will never go away, and I’ll always want a romantic relationship with him. It seems to me like that’s what you want with your navy man. Regardless of why you broke up with him at the time and all the ups and downs. I mean to me, if he wants to be with you, he’ll do whatever he can to have you be with him in person as much as possible (i.e. marriage–cause married couples get more time with eachother in the Navy and of course having you move in with him). But honestly, it seems at this point he’s either so hurt you didn’t trust him he’s pushing you away, or he’s so self-loathing because he actually DID cheat on you that he knows you deserve better and is trying his best to give that to you. I guess what you need to ask yourself is, do his actions show you that he loves you as much as you love him? Because if you doubt that even a bit. I’d forget him. I would not be with my soldier right now if he didn’t show me through actions how much I mean to him, because trust me, he can say some of hte meanest stuff when he can’t just express his emotions cause he’s stressed and/or miserable about being deployed still. I hope my own personal experiences have helped shed some light on your love life. I wish you all the best. Just remember. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them. You want someone who will fight for you and fight for the ‘us’ you deserve. Even if you never love again, and wanna spend your life alone, that would still be better than being with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them.

idealistic Reply:
May 13th, 2013 at 8:36 pm

I do feel pain. He wasnt the type of guy who would cheat, but when I was in Usa he was very stressed out because of his economy and future in the navy, he started neglecting the relationship and yes, I know actions show more! I could have said mean stuff too but he knew i loved him and i left because i felt he didnt love me as much, he didnt fight this time, he used to fight for me always but then this time he was so self.inmerse on his own job and stuff that he wouldnt think of me nor being with me as much, which hurted. He said he wasnt going to be stable nor reliable which maybe means that he doesnt trust himself being away for 3 years and handling the relationship like he promissed. He will probably go to Japan for 3 years at the end of the year and some friends think he might have got more excited with the idea of the unknown and maybe new girls? or freedom? or not to worry about the drama we were going through but it def something changed in his mind. I wont ever know the true reason, he first told me he was tired that i didnt believe him etc and then he said its his job, he wont be there for me because of so much movement, and i guess, he felt his freedom was taken away? altho he was the one who talk about marriage and not me, he even said he thought i was gonna be with him like together within a year, but i guess the new plans came into his mind when he started feeling stressed about his job and hed say “i want you to be happy” and probably he did realized that i cared more. He used to tell me he would never give up because of what you say, that feeling of knowing they let go of their “soul mate” but then he changed his mind i guess and it hurts mosre because I was the one who didnt trust the relationship, he convinced me that I was safe with him etc, and look at me now, talking about him while God knows whats hes doing besides ignoring me

Tank i was able 2 see my mistake am heal of my pain

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I was married for 30 years and when my husband was alive I gave him no freedom at all. We were “joined at the hip”. I didn’t know any better. His dramatic mood swings from loving husband to monster confused me. He tried to articulate what was bothering him but he really didn’t know and I only understand it now after he’s dead and I’ve been reading Renee (and other dating info geared at understanding men based on the latest research). For some reason marriage counselors (which my husband and I went to) are still stuck in the old unisex, men-must-learn-to-get-in-touch-with-their-feelings-and-communicate-them model.

I have a boyfriend now and our relationship is SO different. I give him so much more freedom. Yet he calls me every night. Giving him the freedom I do is often uncomfortable but I’m pretty confident I can trust him not to cheat on me and he seems quite attached. We’ve both agreed (the one time the topic came up) that were we ever to get married (he’s terrified of it like many divorced men) that we would both continue to keep our own house.

I don’t call him typically. If we’ve had any kind of argument or if I’ve expressed unhappiness with something he’s said or done, he doesn’t call the next night. When he then calls the next night after that I make no comment about the fact that he skipped a night. I figure it’s his choice whether he calls and he’s clearly avoiding discussing conflict because it makes him uncomfortable. I “pick my battles” and if it’s important enough, I confront him knowing he may skip a call.

This not living together thing is actually quite in my favor. The other evening he was making dinner for us at his house and began to pick at me, telling me off for this and that. I said, “I’m leaving!” “Why?”, he wanted to know. “Because I don’t like how you’re treating me and talking to me!” He didn’t apologize but he quickly calmed down and began explaining his point in a polite and reasonable fashion. Next time, I may just march out…but talk to him when he subsequently calls me.

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Anna C Reply:
April 8th, 2013 at 7:03 am

Ahh, I love this idea of having separate apartments and leaving when he’s acting insensitively. I myself do not want to move in with my man for the same reason! (He does not want to move in yet either…) I like our living situation!

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I don’t know about my man, if I can even call him that. He is so dominant, controlling, aggressive. It’s too much sometimes! He took me out on dates when he was trying to get me, now he doesn’t. We’re both busy with school but he barely makes time for me. Then when I try to leave he won’t let me go. He doesn’t like me having male friends or hanging out with them, even though we never go anywhere! I told him he should leave and find someone else. I understand that a man needs to feel like a man and wants a feminine woman but this? I Feel like he wants to own me like a dog. He wants all of my love and affection for the little that he does for me. And he pulls away all the time. He pulls away so regularly that I don’t even blink anymore?

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Anna C Reply:
April 6th, 2013 at 7:43 am

Hey Adele! Gosh it seems like I’m responding to everyone here, but it feels like in every one of your stories I feel my own. Maybe because my guy pulls away so much! And it hurts.. but it’s starting to hurt a lot less and then I go do my own thing. Anyways, your post made me think of my man in the beginning of our relationship. He seemed cold and aggressive and controlling, and like he didn’t want me to go out… but I found that it was only my perception. He seemed cold and insensitive because he was a man, and he was burdened inside. Have you ever asked him why he didn’t want you to go somewhere? Maybe he had a good reason like “I don’t feel it’s safe” or maybe it was your perception that he didn’t want you to go. Because you and I don’t think like him, we’re women. When I asked my man this, and told him he seemed controlling, he ended up getting hurt by it, and telling me that he didn’t intend to keep me from going out, he had a particular reason for it. He didn’t want to control me like I thought he did. And he looked gruff and aggressive because he was a man. He wants me to do whatever I want, but he WILL tell me what he thinks if otherwise. And usually his reasoning is correct, if I really LISTEN. Could this be like your man? Ask him if he means what you think he does, and tell him when he seems controlling that you feel he is being controlling. Good chance is, that he would not realise it.

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Adele Reply:
April 6th, 2013 at 8:49 am

Thanks for replying. It’s not THAT bad with him. We love each other and he can be so tender and affectionate that I melt inside. I guess that’s why I can’t leave! Those moments are rare but precious to me. He also makes me feel safe because of his take-charge attitude. But the other side is the stuff I listed above: dominant, seems controlling, and he talks about sexual stuff on the phone that makes me nervous sometimes! I get what you are saying about his controlling ways, it could be coming from a good place of protectiveness. It most likely is, because he does look out for my best interest. So how are things with your man now?

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Anna C Reply:
April 8th, 2013 at 6:53 am

Hey Adele! I definitely get what you mean about those tender moments that keep you hooked… I have the same thing! Things with my man have become ALOT better now since I understand how his thought process works and why he does certain things. He used to seem controlling to me, but that’s because he didn’t understand that other people do things different ways & it doesn’t mean that they are wrong. He was only trying to help me get things done when he tells me what to do, but he didn’t understand that my way could work too (as could everyone elses way). Believe it or not, many people, people who others think are CONTROLLING, are really people who don’t yet understand that there are other ways besides their way to do things. My female coworker gets into fights a lot with her husband because she hates the way he does things, and thinks her way is right. But after more than 7 years of marriage she began to realise that it hurts her husband when she tries to control him, so she’s learning to let it go. I’ve found that when my man does something that seems controlling or makes me uncomfortable (like the sexual stuff on the phone), I respond in 1 of 2 ways: 1) With a playful joke: “Gosh, you’re so BOSSY! Why are you so bossy?” Then kiss him., Or 2) In a direct statement: “That seems controlling to me.” Or “I’m feeling awkward/uncomfortable in this conversation now.” Or maybe “Ok, it’s getting awkward.” when I don’t know how to react… because most of the time, he doesn’t know he’s making me feel uncomfortable or awkward. LOL… on a personal story, my man talks about other girls sometimes that he knows I don’t like… And I get hurt when he does that, and/or I don’t know how to respond, so I just say “Ok, it’s getting awkward.” And he immediately stops. Apparently he only does it to push my buttons because he’s being playful, but after a while it gets annoying. But yes, you are right, if you respond how you truly feel, and he tells you why he’s doing it, most likely, maybe 9 times out of 10, you’ll find he’s doing it for your best interest. The other 1 time out of 10 he’s probably doing it out of stupidity. LOL. Just kidding

Thanks for explaining this.
My partner of 12 months seems to get so into our relationship and then suddenly causes an arguement and refuses to call for a few days. This usually leaves me devistated, but after it happening a few times and after noticing the cycle it happens in I have been able to stop myself from becoming so upset…but still not understanding why.
I still have the fear that this time will be the time its over. But I learnt from a past relationship to just leave him be. Thanks to your article I know why I have to just let it be.
Im a strong, attractive, intelligent woman and my self esteem should not be effected just because he needs to regroup.
This time when he comes back I will explain to him that it does hurt to be ignored, but it would be nice for him to know he can say to me, ‘I need a few me days’.

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Anna C Reply:
April 2nd, 2013 at 9:59 am

Hey Angela, I completely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes when a woman does something different than what the man does (Because we ARE both different and see things differently), then he subconsciously loses trust for you because it feels like “he doesn’t know you.” It might even seem then that you are not on his side. And it happens the other way around as well.
However, I find that when my man is picking fights over “nothing”, most of the time it has nothing to do with you, but instead that he’s going through some kind of pressure. Maybe he doesn’t feel adequate about something? Don’t you notice that when you are hurting about something, you seem so much more sensitive to slights and tend to pick more fights?
As for your fear that “this time it’s over”… most of the time our fears seem to have a lot of power in the near term, but if you back away and give it a few days they lose their power. I mean even asking him to explain something that is so natural to him might not work in the long run because that is feminine thinking, and it’s hard to control something that occurs naturally. It’s like saying, “Tell me if you are going to eat the apple when you are hungry” instead of a person just naturally going for the apple when they are hungry.

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I am ABSOLUTELY loving your words, and hoping that I will be back..very, very soon.. to give u my love success story; which will be developed from my reading of your article!!!

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Seems to me this site is advocating that men can act irresponsibly, deceitfully and selfishly. You make it sound like we women are at fault and are the ones who should change and accept what ever if we want to be in a relationship. If you reward anyone for bad behaviours, they think they can do what they like and they don’t need to change because you will love them no matter what. Not so. After a lifetime of rewarding men for bad behaviour, I am of the opinion that if they don’t treat me how I want to be treated or love me how I want to be loved, then I am on my bike and out of there!

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Note: think back to times when you really want freedom yourself
and think of what is fair;

men come to mind,
who I pushed away with all the masculine energy I have
and with good reason…I was pushing them away for good.
I think that is what confuses us sometimes is that women push away more permanently.
Special note; These men I pushed away at different times in life better stay away from Dr Abulu….
they were toxic enough.
They don’t need more potion.
However, I am glad you are happy Juliana.

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Hi,

This might seem a bit lighthearted of me – by the way I love the article….

I like it when they are pulling away in the regular sense [not the "something is wrong" sense]
so I can do my nails. I am not joking.

I like time to myself, for my music, my programs, my internet stuff, my trying on
clothes and getting rid of the ones I don’t like, girl stuff that I really do not want a man
involved in. I can’t stand the thought of a man hanging over me while getting a manicure or
some equally girly thing that’s just total girl fun – I know some women who love it when their men are right there with them while they are doing their nails or trying on clothing, but I do not.
I certainly don’t want him hanging on me when I am comparing tampons and looking at all those concealing accessories that are really cute – he’d think some of those things are pointless and just cute – I say he would not want to walk to the counter and purchase those items any more than I want to walk through an office with a tampon with out the cute little purse that I could put it in rather than carrying too much to each bathroom visit at work – men can understand it that way.
Women can get that. Any woman can get that. The times guys pull away are times for the secret world of all girl stuff. This was such a big paragraph on girl stuff – no man should look here. I pull away from men to do girl stuff. I know I do.

It can be a hypocritical area for me once recognized – corrected.
That’s the beauty of awareness.

My feelings about men pulling away has depended on my feeling and what is going on with me at the time – now I am really focused on this – even when I am having bad times that leave a woman feeling beaten down by the world – I know not to project any of that on my relationship. Just go to my own sanctuary filled with fuzzy pillows and flannel sheets – ahhhhhh.

I always want to do this – to be that way – I do it a lot, however, when I went through some super bad times when I was single one time I really felt that I needed some one – specifically a man in general – not even a particular one at the time – and made a lot of mistakes that I would not have made from a stronger place in my mind. That time in my life scared me regarding how my choices were being made and made me question myself heavily.

So, when I read this I feel good because it is just a return to myself – that is something a person rarely gets to see – you know?

Thanks for being the barer of that good news Renee.

I feel like I could easily give a man that kind of space these days and forward. ….because I have done this already recently ha ha!!!

It feels good to me.

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Anna C Reply:
March 20th, 2013 at 6:19 am

Hi there Neferyuya – you couldn’t be more right. Especially when you said that when a woman is having bad times it’s best not to project that onto the relationship.. I did that last night when I was feeling a bit insecure about my job, and my man was already too serious and overwhelmed with things that he got angry with me for “complaining” as he says. He’s been in withdrawal mode but he is still mostly nice and wants to see me… just a bit heavy mood and grumpy at times, though, I know it’s not about me… I guess this is the time to retreat into the secret world of girl things. And talk to my girlfriends about my worries… Especially when your man has pulled away, it’s best not to project your life insecurities on the relationship (thinking it won’t be considered “needy” because it’s not about HIM – but he still considers it as complaining and probably feels indirectly blamed.. what is not considered needy to you is probably still needy to him). Normally, he would be there to comfort you, but in times of withdrawal, it probably feels like an extra burden.
Time to retreat into girl world to feel connected to other things in life for balance.

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i met a guy that i am crazy about. he says he loves me, glad i am in his life, gave me a key to his house and full access. however, i feel him pulling away. i believe a woman from a previous relationship has entered. what do i do?

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tchotchke Reply:
April 6th, 2013 at 7:27 am

It’s important to know whether your suspicions are accurate or not because pulling away to go to another woman is grounds for a breakup, pulling away otherwise is not. Confronting him isn’t the answer because if he is with her he’ll probably lie, and if he isn’t he’ll be offended from not being trusted when he’s done nothing wrong. So, find out however you can while leaving him out of it. Good luck.

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Hi Renee,
I just finished reading the article and I can’t tell you how much better I feel already. This is great for women just like me. I do get insecure every time he chooses his friends over me. It’s not THAT often, but it does happen. Every time it does, I get all upset and feel like breaking up, thinking it’s not working out. I hold up a fight with him every time he wants to go out alone or with his friends, and I feel TERRIBLE about it. I regret it all the time, but the “woman” inside me gets me all crazy! However, this article seems to be quite a help, and I really hope I am able to “understand” him, without pretending to do so or punishing him. Thanks again!

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Kat Reply:
April 22nd, 2013 at 10:23 pm

I just came upon this article after having gone through years of getting insecure whenever my boyfriend starts to pull away. I’ve always gotten sad when he chooses to go out and be with other people but after reading this it has helped me see another point of view and I hope I’ll be able to let him do his thing from now on without feeling upset and that he’ll love me more for understanding him. (Hopefully he won’t enjoy the freedom too much and take off!) Thanks so much for the article.

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So this scenario is happening to me right now. I have been dating a guy for 2 months – everything was going great and then he shut down on me – cancelled plans, ignored tests, said that work was busy, sick, etc.

I tried telling him in a polite way that I felt like I was getting the cold shoulder and it disappointed and upset me. He said he understood and then tells me there’s some things he wants to discuss with me when he gets back from his weekend trip.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again. I just wish I hadn’t gotten my hopes up that this relationship was finally the one that was going to work. I’m 37 and just got out of a 2 1/2 relationship before this because the guy didn’t want to get married…*sigh* This issue never seems to end…

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This is a one-sided article. If a man pulls away from you it’s either of four things. He has some kind of issue he needs to work out, he is experiencing a sexual issue , he is just not that into you OR he is seeing another woman. You must be smart enough to listen to his responses and determine if what he is saying is true. Also note if he isn’t sharing his personal self with you but he is only willing to get physical ….get away, stay far away. Women always forget that men can separate the sex act from emotion… Also anyone on this page who’s experiencing and on and off relationship. Be aware that the other person is probably sampling what is out there …when that doesn’t work out…he comes back to you…ole faithful because…you LET him. Don’t let anyone place you on a shelf …leave you for a month or two and come and find you there.

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Rhonda Reply:
April 11th, 2013 at 8:33 am

I agree that no woman or man should be put on a shelf while taking time to themselves. We go through this, and I decided to regain my life independently while he has these timeouts. In fact, I decided to take a short bus-party trip without him.
Women need to stop requiring men to be there all the time with every situation. And if he wants time away, that’s fine, but too much time will leave a woman open to another man who may NOT need all that space.
Perspective..and if you leave him alone, it’s guaranteed that IF he truly loves you, he WILL call and wonder what YOU are doing. Mystery keeps it going..

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Wow…wish I read this article 4 days ago, when I probably just pushed the man I have falled in love with away for good. My story is this….for the past year and a half now I have been dating this unique man. I was recently divorced (unhappily married 20 years) and my only child was leaving for college. I never expected to get involved with anyone in the manner that we have connected. In the beginning it was more to easy the pain of the divorce and have a companion, but somehow along the way this man (I call my onion, because he has so many layers to his personality) captured my heart. His past……has only had a couple of serious relationships. He and his significant other together on/off for years-but never married, they had a son together, then she died in a car accident and he had to raise his son at the age of ten. His son is now 21 and has a 2 year old son of his own & is not married. I have become VERY close with him and his family. I have been told by his son that he has never seen his dad so happy, I am the only women that he has introduced or been serious with since her death. He claims that he loved her but was not in love with her and that is why they never married. SO….we live about an hour away, for the past year during the mid week he drives down to see me stays the night and then EVERY weekend I go to his house Fri-Mon. I could feel the relationship growing as we discovered thing about each other, he has so many qualities that I want in a man. He always complements me and seems to understand me like no other person. He has told me that out of the few women in is past, none of them come close to the way he feels about me and what we have shared together. However he has NEVER told me he is “in love” with me. He claims that he was in love years ago but she married someone else. I have never told him I love him for fear of rejection. My mind has been bothered by this for a while now but my heart can feel things that seem right….???? So confusing, ANYWAYS….I noticed that he was distant this past weekend and asked what was up, he was sick and told me he was feeling crappy and has had concerns about his son. The past few weeks he would go out mid week to meet friends and come later to see me almost out of guilt or as a last resort when his buddys were not available. He like to go out for a few beers mid week, as he is a beer geek. In the beginning it did not bother me so much that he went out without me as he would always text me when out saying, I miss you, you rock, can’t wait to see you..ect. However, this week he went out and text me his friend blew him off…he also said I am the only one who never blows him off in life. I got angry that he was out again and did not ask to come down and meet me. So I replied that now I was blowning him off for good. That I want someone who can communicate, show affection, is honest and who is in love with me. He replied he truly wishes my daughter and I the best and he is gratefull for the time I shared with him. My heart sank…..the next day I text him I know I was abrupt I obviously stated that there are concerns about feelings and I would like to speak with him and to call me if he wants to talk. No call, nothing. Then the net day I see he is back on-line on a dating site. (We meet on one). That broke my heart he has already moved on? So I went back on, he must have seen that I was on because he closed his account when I looked yeasterday. What is going on here?????????????? Any additional advise would be greatly appreciated.

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tchotchke Reply:
April 6th, 2013 at 7:38 am

I, myself, would not forgive someone who broke up with me by text. Perhaps, next time around, you’ll confront someone in person, yes saying what your issues are, but not preceding it with a statement about breaking up or being done with the relationship.

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I am in love and going out with a man who is living with another woman for the last five years. He says they have no relationship now, though they used to, but they still share the same bed and he goes home to her every night. I am only ever invited to his place when she is away on a holiday, I have never met her and she doesn’t know about me. A few months ago, he asked me if I would share a life with him, that we could move to a place together. I said yes, we saw some places but they were never ever right for him. When we do see some “right” places, he would suggest that we take the application forms and apply for a tenancy, but he doesn’t return the form to me. The first time I asked him why, he told me he wouldn’t be ready to move till she leaves for her holiday. I didn’t pursue it and we continued seeing some other places a month later, on his suggestion, again we took the forms but he didn’t return them again but I didn’t want to ask him anymore. Then he told me that whilst he had been looking forward to moving in with me, he now has his doubts because he says I get upset very easily. My heart is being broken continuously but he doesn’t even seem to even understand why I am upset. I have been diagnosed with major depression for the last 18 months and am still taking anti-depressant. Should I just say enough is enough and walk away with my head held hight? Thanks.

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Anna C Reply:
March 5th, 2013 at 11:05 pm

Mei, I know how frustrating it is to be accused of “getting upset easily” when he is doing something blatantly offensive to you, or even when you thought you weren’t being upset at all. The thing is, he doesn’t think like you because he is a man. And sorry to sound short, but in my experience, a man in love will not be able to sleep with another woman, live with another woman, or only invite you over when she is on holiday. I would say you need to set boundaries, and tell him what you want. But not in an accusatory way, like “I will not tolerate you living with that woman! Why would you do that if you really care about me!” More like… “the way this relationship is going isn’t really working out for me. When I get involved with a man before he’s left his other woman, I get hurt. I really like you, but maybe call me when you find your own place.”

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Linda Ford Reply:
May 7th, 2013 at 11:17 pm

I would drop his sorry behind. Forget about what is making him tick. He is getting his bread buttered on both sides.

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Am so interested to share my own xperirence in this topic.am inlove with a man that simply needs his freedom and i don’t stop him from having one…..he is being away for couple of months now and i felt he is no more inlove with me,but he gave me his word,i loved you and wl always love you,thats a promise just wanna make it and come for you.and i believe him…what i read in this particular blog has really helped me to understand better…thanks so much

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Rhonda Reply:
April 11th, 2013 at 8:37 am

Away for a couple of months??? Sorry but he doesn’t love you!

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My boyfriend and I have had this on-again off-again relationship for a year and a half. In the beginning, it moved really fast and we took a short break from each other. It’s not like we weren’t serious, we both met each other’s parents. We both said I love you. I felt so comfortable being open and honest with him. I know he cared about me because he’d pass up attending big sporting events with his friends (good tickets) to spend time with me. I could tell by how he looked at me. Then he moved out of state a few months ago to start a new job. He was the one that wanted to try the long distance relationship. Well as time passed, it was harder to talk to each other. I started to get a little upset and sent him an e-mail telling him how I felt. It was very hard for me to write but it basically said that I loved him and wanted to make this work but when he started avoiding me it really hurt my feelings. I pretty much asked him what we were doing. He never wrote back to me. It’s just so confusing because a week before I sent the e-mail he asked me if I’d consider moving in with him after I was done with school and said he didn’t see himself with anyone else. After reading this, I realized that I probably reacted poorly because I felt insecure by his lack of response (which he probably needed more time). I felt so hurt and angry that I sent him more messages that went unanswered and just got angrier (because I tend to get stubborn). I’ve never been so sad before and know now how much I loved him. I really thought he was the one for me but I think I made him feel ashamed and angry from my messages. I really think I pushed him away and made a mess of things. Is there anything to do to repair this? I hope I’m not too late. I just have no clue what to even do because everything seems so broken now. Please help me!

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I have a lot of questions in mind. I live together with my boyfriend but he has to be away because of business. I’m 6 months pregnant and I’m alone right now. I asked him when he’s coming home and he said he’ll come back when I’m in labor. He said he wants me to be independent. I don’t think that’s right. Any advise?

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tchotchke Reply:
April 6th, 2013 at 7:47 am

It doesn’t sound good. That “you need to be independent” stuff is bull. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to go through the labor without the baby’s father, so I wouldn’t fight with him about it. I’d just hope that he does come for the labor like he promised, probably out of guilt. Meanwhile, I’d find a labor coach and pay them to attend the labor with you.

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I have been reading and enjoying your articles and emails they are very practical. At least i have been following your advice. I have developed interest in knowing more about men and thanks to you am gaining a lot of insight.

I dont know if am in a relationship or what but there is a man who is interested in me and we have been talking. Just after two weeks of talking he came to see me first at the office and that was the first time i saw him. The next day he came home and we talked and he left. He works in another town from me and he is a very busy man in his office. Before i started reading your emails i used to feel left out and used, this lead me to start making scenarios in my head of why he doesnt call me often reply to my texts, i used to text him complaining why he wasn`t finding time to talk to me etc. Because of this we had a heated misunderstanding he got upset wrote nasty things about me in his texts and thankfully i was calm and never hit back all i did was apologize and i asked him if he could just forget about me to have his peace and i thought that is the end.

I still loved him tho but because of the few emails i read from you i didnt call,text or emailed or just any form of communication whatever,though i had the urge to tell him how i still needed him in my life but your emails made sense i just moved on. I didnt expect that he would even be thinking of me the way it ended, but surprisingly on a friday he forwarded an email and of course my heart bumped out when i saw it i was comforted to say…ok at least he didnt delete me in his address list. I didnt reply since it was a forwarded msg. Next day he called me and i missed his call saw it very late i didnt call back. I was very confused why after saying all those things he would dare keep my number and phone me. On Mon back at the office i replied to the fwd email just one sentence he replied to say he was in town the time he called and wanted to see me. We started communicating and he followed me all the way to where i was we had a nice time but then he has gone off. When we were departing he told me to let him know of my well being and i kept updating him thru texts and he didnt reply. 3 days have elapsed and he hasnt called me and i havent called him either not even complained to him in any way like y he is not calling or texting i just thanked him for the effort he made to travel all the way to see me thru a text. So did i go wrong in any way? What could be the problem this time? Am still confident he will call back one day but if he doesnt should i do anything?

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tchotchke Reply:
April 6th, 2013 at 7:52 am

I never text first or call first. If he doesn’t respond to an email, I never send another and another.

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The only problem I’m having with this…is that this sounds like this article is putting responsibility “solely” on the woman to fix the misunderstanding between men and women. If you are truly committed and loving in a relationship you will make efforts to see both sides of the fence. Men also have a responsibility to be aware that their cave venturing can be painful for their woman and have a responsiblity to inform their woman of what is going on. Not just leave us in the dark to stew.

For example: I texted him asking him if he would speak with me tomorrow. He asked me what is going on? I replied, being honest, and told him that I feel insecure and that I was worried he was avoiding me. Because the previous day we’d been so close and intimate. He cleared up the air by telling me that he was just feeling overwhelmed and needed some time to collect his thoughts and tackle one thing at a time. Since I understand that and I get the concept of a man needing space this communication exchange was exactly what I needed so that I can respect his freedom and space without fearing rejection.

The rest of any insecurity on my part is really my problem and needs to be worked out with a councilor if need be. But the point is there are two sides to the fence. Men need to be upfront honest on what they need and women need to be upfront and honest on what they are feeling without blaming him and respecting he is different in what he needs. And men need to respect we are different than what they need. It goes both ways is all I’m saying.

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rmarsh Reply:
March 3rd, 2013 at 10:14 pm

Agree with you 100%.

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Anna C Reply:
March 5th, 2013 at 11:17 pm

I don’t agree. Sometimes, a man (or woman) will not REALIZE when they are doing something that irks the other one. And people are not perfect. Even when you tell a man it hurts when he pulls away, and you want him to let you know when he pulls away before he does it, he might agree to it, but he’s hardwired to pull away anyway and he’ll forget. BUT, if you understand why he does it, then he’ll fell accepted by you, and naturally will give you what you need. Someone’s gotta start first. It’s like surrendering in a war. Who’s going to go first. But think of it this way… for every thing YOU want a MAN to do for you first, a man is probably thinking YOU should do it for HIM first. It’s like the therapists’ paradox: In order to get someone to change, you have to accept him just as he is. I believe talking about it never does the trick. That’s why most marriage therapy focused on communicating and talking through issues are very intellectually stimulating, but they never stick, and a lot don’t even help the couple because they forget.

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Tsho Reply:
March 8th, 2013 at 1:26 am

I do agree with ladyvalmar… We both human, we both have responsibilities.why should I understand that a man needs his freedom while he does not understand how I feel, like you said men are selfish sometimes but this needs to come to an end.This read is so amazing however one sided…..Men need to understand that we are the most wonderful,strong and beautiful species you can ever find on earth thus appreciate and treasure us.

Most of the times you would find that what ever men do that will bring pain to women, will always be there to tolerate anything but they need to realize that we are also weak.
I like the oxytocin topic.

Thnx

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I need help! And desperately. My guy and I have been together a little over 6 months. We’ve been in a long distance relationship the past two months. We’ve been trying to manage the time difference and keeping the channels of communication open. But it always end up with me taking the initiative much more than he does. And I did voice that opinion and he’s been trying. But if he calls, then he won’t chat. It’s like his job for the day is done with a single call. And I am the kind who would text, IM, Whatapp, FB, gtalk with friends throughout the day. Am constantly in touch with people. I can multitask superbly. Him..? gosh no. But I know he chats and texts and Whatapps with other poeple. Just not me. That cheezes me off.

While he has a problem in emoting, he had no problems showing how he felt abt me when we were together. But now, it’s downright impossib;le for him to do so. Says he can’t relate to the emotions and am the kind who wants constant reassurance cos of my bad relationship in the past. I have told him a few times how I want to know am loved. Nothing from him. He still calls up like clockwork. Though sometimes, he says he will, then won’t.

A few days ago I had to force the issue of committment and he said he needs to think. And we had agreed to give this relationshoip a yr to see how things work out between us. But if am sure, why is he not despite him having made plans to be with me here and buying things for the house. Am so confused! And then I made the mistake of mailing him asking him of his feelings. From your post, I think it was the wrong move. I rectified it or tried to by telling him we don’t need to discuss it now. We can do so when he’s here or when he’s comfortable with it. And to focus on his job. As usual no response to that mail. But he did respond to my other mails and funny forwards. With a smiley too. But we haven’t spoken in three days.

I messaged him today morning and he said he couldn’t chat cos he was busy and will call me tonight. Do I ignore him or do I talk to him the normal way I do and never pick up the topic of my mail. What do I do? I love this guy and want a future with him. But am scared of putting myself there if he decides to pull away for good. Have no idea what’s the best way to react.

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Anna C Reply:
February 28th, 2013 at 8:52 pm

Alright girl. First thing’s first, you gotta stop blaming him and criticizing him in your mind for not doing what YOU would be doing. Because then you’ll start to get all naggy on him. So, he doesn’t gtalk, FB, Whatapp, whatever with you. I bet that makes you feel so… UGH!!! As in, “Why isn’t he thinking of me like I’m thinking of him??? Why doesn’t he send me cute text pictures of stuff that remind him of me like I do for him? Does he even CARE about me?” Haha. How do I know this? That girl was me. With my guy now. And he still stuck by me bless his heart. But I’m not like that anymore. I let him do his thing, and I know in my heart that he cannot multitask, multicommunicate and that’s ok. His thing is calling once a day and that’s it. My thing is communicating all over the place. You know what? He might just find that annoying. Think about it this way: Think of your mom. Ok… now, it’s 6AM and she sends you a funny email. Haha, very nice. Then 7AM, she calls to see how you are doing. You are still asleep. 730AM she calls again. When you call her back and talk for a while, you think that’s it for the day, or week, whatever. But then she Facebooks you around noon. And then IMs you around 1 this awesome picture of her watering her plants that she just thought was cool. How would you feel then??? You know I bet if your mom did that, she would feel like she misses you a lot. But you love her, and you talked to her on the phone that day and you thought that was enough. It’s kind of like what your man thinks. Ok, the mom might be a bad example but you kind of get the picture, right? You have your OWN way of dealing with your mom and she has her OWN way of dealing with you.
Ok. Let me tell you a secret I’ve learned about a lot of men in relationships: They won’t always reply to your emails. Ahahaha! You will send them a very touching email, a very awesome email, and sometimes they won’t reply. Or if they do, it will be a one word answer like “Cool.” Ahahaha, men are so funny like that. It’s ok if he doesn’t respond. He still loves you, don’t worry. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t take your calls right? He wouldn’t call you, right? He would break up with you, right?
Ok, about the ignoring him tonight part…. DON’T. Please don’t ignore him. If you love him, don’t play games. Be your true self, but just don’t NAG him about not calling you or not replying or whatever. That will just lead to a very awkward conversation that will leave you feeling even more insecure and needy. When he calls you, just say this: “I miss you.” Then make concrete plans to see him or him to see you. Make them now. Decide how you will meet now. Or maybe make it fun and meet in an inbetween city and go exploring. Just don’t make him feel bad for not doing what you expect him to do. It’s all in your mind really that he doesn’t care about you as much since he’s not responding as much or busy. It’s all in your mind. He’s just doing your own thing. 3 days in woman time is like 3 hours in man time. He probably didn’t even notice it pass. Just discuss something with a point when you talk to him – “I miss you. Let’s see each other.” See, there is a point. I think you guys will be fine. Just let him do his manly thing. Good luck!

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Confused Reply:
March 1st, 2013 at 10:29 am

Once you are in this awkward phase where the man’s still thinking you might jump at him with all those emotions stuff (it’s this huge elephant in btwn us now) and you’re trying to get the old camaraderie back, how long does it really take to get things back to normal?? What did you do when anxiety hit you? And that mom analogy’s spot on! I do deal with my mom exactly that way! LOL!! Gosh…I do sound like a nag, don’t I? Sheesshh…thank you for opening my eyes.

Now would you be able to help me with how am to be while trying to get things back to normal? U see, am trying to redo a lotta stuff I messed up in my past relationship. So in my need to not make the old mistakes, I seem to be making new ones. So all help is appreciated. And this is one guy I would like to make it work with cos he’s absolutely wonderful guy. I don’t want to mess up cos of my insecurities stemming from my past experiences.

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Anna C Reply:
March 1st, 2013 at 3:28 pm

Hi, I think the first step to do is find out how and why men are different to women. Why they act a certain way, and why we act a certain way. I used to have a male friend who would give me advice whenever I’d freak out, and he used to say a lot of the same things Renee’s blog here says, but it never went through to me because I didn’t understand the differences in our basic hardwirings. So, once I got this education, I became more relaxed about things, because I understand why he’s acting this way, and I don’t have to go all needy asking my man and my male friends and they get annoyed with me after a while too. Just reading this whole blog is a great start. And the next step is to find out your particular fears and why you feel anxious. What I do is whenever I’m anxious, I ask myself why? Then when I get that answer, I ask why? again. Then why? Just keep asking why until you get to the root of a problem. For example. I get upset when a pretty woman flirts with my man. Why? Because I am jealous. Why? Because I’m scared. Why? Because I’m afraid she’ll steal him away. Why? Because I believe she’s more feminine than me. Why? Because she holds his gaze and acts like he’s the only man in the room, and she’s gorgeous and they went to the same college out of state. And then I think…. if I’m so afraid he’ll fall in love with her because she’s giving him his full attention, she’s gorgeous and they have something rare in common, then I think it’s my body’s way of telling me: I need to give him my full attention, I need to maintain myself looking nice, and I need to build on the things my man and I have in common. Ok. That’s the hard way I deal with anxiety. If you haven’t got the time to do all that deep self analysis, just grab a book or watch a movie or go to the gym or join a club. Do anything that takes your mind off of it and simultaneously enriches your life. I wouldn’t go watching Jersey Shore or something like that… LOL. You will probably feel more insecure after that! Get a book. I always get a book. I hope that helped.

Anna C Reply:
March 1st, 2013 at 3:37 pm

About the length of time it takes for the elephant to knock out of the room… you can’t control that. He probably has already forgotten it anyway. All you have to worry about is staying light and in the present, like Buddha says, LOL. You’ll know when he’s out of that state when he’s more receptive to you and more trusting and he gives you more leeway with your emotions and doesn’t get scared and pull back. About the anxiety exercises, there are more in this article here, under #3: http://www.thefemininewoman.com/why-men-go-hot-and-cold/ I would do these. Now this is an article about when he goes hot and cold, which is a bit different than what he’s doing here. It seems like he’s still into you strongly, because he’s laughing a lot and calling him. But #3 is a good exercise to do when you feel anxious. And my “why” exercise Take care!

Anna C Reply:
March 1st, 2013 at 8:38 am

Confused – If I sounded a bit condescending or tongue-in-cheek up there, I didn’t mean it.. sometimes after coming back from gym, I get extra energetic & over confident, LOL. I wanted to add that a lot of women push a man to tell them that he at least plans to marry her or commit to her, because we want some form of security and reassurance that he won’t leave. I totally get that because I used to go through a mini crisis like this every couple of months. But remember what happened when you sent the funny emails versus the serious ones? He responded to the funny ones and not the serious ones. That means it’s probably better to keep it light. All my guy friends always tell me – keep it light keep it light, focus on the present. Focusing on the present can help you keep it light. The Buddha says: “Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” I believe that this will minimize a lot of suffering…

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Confused Reply:
March 1st, 2013 at 10:20 am

Thank you so much!! And yes, I soooo agree with you. My head knows I’m being all stupid and sounding needy and clingy and I should STOP! My heart’s all whiny..Gah! So I listened to my head and asked my heart to ease back a bit. And so when he called up last night ….an hr earlier than he usually does…surprise, surprise…I was my usual self. We spoke for an hr! Was all light and no reference to him not responding to my mails or the future or anything. And I slept an easy person. Had to call him up about something urgent a while ago and we chatted real easy. Laughed out loud about a few things. I do agree with you on the ‘keep it light’ bit. He responds really well to humor. Believe he hasn’t been chatting with me cos he’s afraid I wud go all out and hassle him about all those feelings and stuff he should be doing and not doing. When it was all light and humor, we used to chat for hours. But lately, not so much and I understand finally that it was me and my need to know. Guess sometimes, not knowing is ok. And as long as he is being loyal to this relationship, it’s fine what he does with his time. And I guess that’s how it’s always ben between us, honestly. To date, I’ve never asked him what he was doing? Or never checked on him explicitly at least. This last month was crazy cos I was over-reacting. Guess he was going through his own stuff and I just didn’t make it any easier on him with all my need to know what he was feeling and what he wanted. He had always told me he felt good when he was with me. At peace. I guess this one month I managed to shake all that up cos of my own feelings of insecurities and anxieties. And he’s been great all along. And still is. I need to breathe.

Thank you for your advice, Anna! Helped a great deal….Hugs!

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Confused Reply:
March 1st, 2013 at 4:59 pm

Thank you Anna! I plan to all that. Yeah, tough getting rid of those insecurities. But the one that had you going on a quizzing thingy…that’s what gets me all tied up in knots. But you’re right. Time to get my act together!

Thank you!

I’ve read this article probably five times, and I will continue to read it every time I need a reminder!

I’m in a committed relationship with a lovely, masculine man who is great at verbal communication but still very much a “guy.” He has been going through a very rough time with work and life direction recently, and so we had a period of blissful spiritual closeness followed by a period of withdrawal (since we’re further along in the relationship, this doesn’t mean he goes anywhere for days, it just means no lovey texts during the day, fewer kisses, slightly less intimate sex, and he hasn’t said “I love you” unprompted for four whole days! OMG! lol). I have been freaking out, of course, feeling dead certain that it was me and basking in my own sea of neediness. I haven’t given the poor guy the space he needs. In the past, I have managed to weather these kinds of storms very well by owning my own emotional responsibility, and being my cheerful self, there and waiting for him when he snaps out of it. He’ll actually thank me for my support in those times, and apologize for being depressed.

Why do we do this to ourselves and our lovers? Even when he was telling me days ago that he can’t wait till I’m his wife, that I’m his best friend ever, and giving me the most loving looks I could imagine, AS SOON as he withdraws it’s like I forget he ever said that, and I’m convinced he can’t stand me.

A little bit tongue in cheek…why are women so crazy?

Ladies, any encouragement? I’m working hard today at getting myself back into my strong self-contained emotional space so that I can be a better support for him?

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River Reply:
February 28th, 2013 at 12:26 pm

Aaaaaand…30 minutes later and half a day after I changed my attitude…lovey text comes through.

I’m cracking up! In a good way! This information is so right it’s almost scary. And I’m absolutely LOVING feeling slightly equipped to deal with it!

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Anna C Reply:
February 28th, 2013 at 1:49 pm

Hi River!
I definitely know what you are going through. Oh! If I only were in the same situation as you! (But I’m sure a lot of women would want to trade places with me as well). Your man seems VERY devoted to you, and you seem like a caring woman. Your man explicitly states that he wants to marry you. That is awesome. That is like a goldmine to me. But if he’s stated that, then the best thing you can do (I know you know this) is to trust him that he’ll do it when he FEELS complete in his life-career, money, whatever.
As far as your questions for comforting your man, I’ve noticed that when my man feels bad or stressed, I ask him what is wrong or if he wants to talk about it, then I try to guess what is bothering him… and then he always seems annoyed. The more I ask, the more annoyed and angry he gets! Then I get hurt because I was only trying to be helpful, and now he’s being rude. Don’t do this, haha. I’ve found Renee’s article here gave me some helpful tips:
http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2010/07/how-to-comfort-your-man/
Something I do when my man is stressed and withdrawn now, is cook him a nice meal. I know he’s going to be tired after work, so I invite him over for a nice dinner and some wine. He always comes. And after dinner, if I haven’t pressed him, he always opens up. Then he wants to see me more! Men are just comforted in different ways than women I guess.
But if he’s just withdrawn with no indications of stress, I would just let him be. Leave him alone. Do your own thing. It might be hard at first to disengage, but just pick up a book or turn on a movie and soon you will be disengaged and feel better and get into that sweet spot attitude you speak of before he texts you loving things.
I use this article too whenever my man “pulls away”. I used to cry and get so angry when he pulled away because I didn’t understand why and it hurt so much. I used to hold my emotions in and put on a happy face. But if I’ve covered my feelings under a happy face, I’d just end up exploding in the end. When a man pulls away, and you feel bad… I think the best response is to FEEL bad… without him, and without blaming him. After reading this article and internalising it (and it took me a month or so to TRULY internalise it), I react a lot differently, and like you said when I change my state, eerily he ends up coming back all loving. It’s SO weird. It’s like some cosmic connection or something. It’s so eerie when it happens. But the good part is, I don’t really get angry or hurt anymore! When I first read this article, and he pulled away, I though “Yeah, he’s just being a man, it’s a gift, etc” but I’d STILL be angry. Because I hadn’t internalised it yet. It took me a while to internalise it.
It’s really helpful when you are feeling the withdrawal to come back to this article and get some perspective and maybe get responses from women on here who support you. Glad everything worked out!

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Anna C Reply:
February 28th, 2013 at 1:54 pm

Omigosh! I just realised why everyone says the way to a man’s heart is his stomach! Weird! I dunno, but I like flowers and sweet texts!

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River Reply:
April 2nd, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Haha! ‘Tis perhaps truer than we thought! Funny, I send him flowers and sweet texts, and for all special occasions, my birthday, Valentine’s Day, etc. he cooks me a four-hour, five-star meal! In his language, that’s like the ultimate 40-rose bouquet/epic love letter.

River Reply:
April 2nd, 2013 at 12:42 pm

Hi, Anna!!

Thanks so much for the reply. As it turned out, our rocky times weren’t over yet and my many moons of freak-outs and domestic withdrawal had taken their toll. Over Easter we actually broke up for an hour before working it out, this time much more for good. It was a serious reset button that was needed, but it feels that it has been reset, and you better believe that there’s no way I’m letting things get to that point this time around! You know what they say, you don’t quite realize what you have until it’s gone, or you think it’s gone. I’m so glad to know that you internalized everything here, because honestly, I’ve been in the following-the-advice mode without necessarily feeling it. I’m also SO glad that you discovered the nice dinner thing, because one thing that has been driving my man off is that he has been carrying 95% of the cooking, even when he worked more than I did and was really stressed out. The reason for this is that he has professional culinary training and is an AMAZING cook, so I feel that my food is not worthy of him, and my mom (whom I lived with until age 25) never let me in her kitchen and criticized me when she did. Yesterday I had dinner waiting for him, as well as a long, appreciative, brutally honest email, and he melted. We’re well on our way back.

Something kicked into high gear, though, a few days ago. Hilariously enough, what my man has been wanting was for me to confront him, express my opinions, get in his face, get fierce, and be proactive rather than passive. Basically, so we can have a real fight and really hash things out rather than me being such a pleaser all the time. Because, like Renee said, pleasers are perhaps the most boring creatures in the universe. He had been wondering where his lady went. That’s not an equal partnership.

Yes, I think the answer is to find ways to be our usual selves and love our men through their tribulations! Mine, if I give him space, will practically come running at the end of a few hours, yearning to talk about it.

Keep me posted with how it goes!

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Anna C Reply:
April 3rd, 2013 at 8:13 pm

Hey River, thanks for the update on your man. I’m sorry things got a little turbulent and I’m happy you guys worked it out. He seems really devoted to you. Today I went to my martial arts class and my partner mentioned that she had been married for 10 years and I asked her: what was the biggest lesson you learned about having a successful marriage? And she said “Marry someone you love (attraction is essential) and don’t take things too seriously.” She said that men like to have fun and women tend to be too serious about things – whether it be what he said or did or what he didn’t do or say. And she said to think about what it would be like to lose him when you start to worry about the little things and it really puts things into perspective and makes you want to have fun and enjoy the moment! For example, what if he died tomorrow or something bad happened… Think about that worry now and how insignificant it seems and how you just want to rush over to him now and give him a big hug and be happy with him. Anyways, I just thought that was good advice that I wanted to share with you and anyone who reads this in the blog.

Anna C Reply:
April 3rd, 2013 at 8:17 pm

I wish you the BEST with your man and I’m happy you realised that men don’t want a woman who stuffs up her emotions like a pleaser and instead shows them in an authentic, non blaming way. Now, I am working on taking my own advice!

Thank u.This makes perfect sense.This is what my boyfriend and I are going through

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This article- i found at the perfect timing- my boyfriend of a few months now has been having issues really committing. but he wants me and he doesn’t want to see other people. and he couldn’t figure out why he is so messed up about commiting. turns out he realized its the fear of committment kind of thing but more this “withdraw” thing you speak of. He wants freedom and days to be alone and such. which i have agreed to give him easily as long as he tells me hes jus takin a “space” day so i know he isn’t mad or something. before we figured this out he would pull away and i would freak out because i am new to relationships and Disney messed up my view of them. But now with this article i see that the way I FEEL when he does this withdraw thing is normal- and i need to just realize its just him having a lil withdraw syndrome time. Now i know how to deal with it, and i am going to show him this article so he can understand himself that needing his withdraw time doesn’t mean we can’t make it work.
SO basically u have saved me from throwing away something that could be great, and is great minus the times when we hav had this confusion with attachment versus withdraw times.
so in essence thank you:)

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Everything’s awesome, that is exactly how it is. Freedom, in the way and to the extent that we need it is what is healthy for us men; it is not a gift from anybody. It is a need just like drinking water is. Men and women give a lot to each other in different ways; a man’s freedom is something he has to regulate (like a valve) himself by getting closer and out to his freedom comfort zone again without taking too long to come back (it can be gradual or very intense) when he is ready – his level of attention goes up and down accordingly. Think about it, would you like to have steak and lobster everyday? Tip – intelligence and beauty make us not wonder too far away nor for too long! (real men afraid of intelligent women is a myth!) Thank you Renee, where did you learn all this? awesome!

Secret admirer

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This was very helpful. I have made a mess by pushing my man when he needs space. I am beautiful and independent but I lose all of my qualities when I do this and am seen as needy and desperate. I wish I could remember and not react. This article will hopefully make me stronger.

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I uderstant that men and women both need space,especially men.But what kills me is when men dont communicate.For example my ex decided to break up with me the same day we we’re turning a year of been together, and then he asked me for space? what type of sh… is this?I know im not an easy person but like I told himif you wanted space you should have ask for it not just break up.Im sorry not a patience person,and I like I told him eaither you are with me or not.I rather to be single because i notice that men are to complicate it to understand and iM the type of person that show to much affection.For future reference i will be holding back affection towards men,because the hurt feelling is the worst and is not the first time I been hurt!!

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Why do men not take the space they take in relationships when they are trying to win a girl’s heart in the beginning? They try hard and do extraordinary things, say sweet words, but after they get what they want(which is the relationship), they start to withdraw.

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Renee Wade Reply:
February 22nd, 2013 at 10:08 pm

Hi Ju, this is what you see in the situation. But what you see is not what he sees, and may not be the truth.

You’re assuming the worst – that he has bad intent. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. Most likely though, it’s just because it’s the way things are. Yours is not the only relationship where this is happening; it happens to most women…and it’s natural.

What would happen if instead you thought about the possibility that he is ‘changed’ or withdrawn because he is responding to YOUR energy?

Your energy is most likely different than it was in the beginning, because in the beginning you had no expectations. Now, you’ve got your own fears of him leaving you entering the equation AS WELL AS – an expectation of what he ‘should’ be doing, based on what he did at the beginning.

But – what if, just what if, this withdrawal period is what needs to happen in order to move on to a deeper level of love and a stronger relationship?

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Ju Reply:
February 23rd, 2013 at 7:52 am

he withdraws for about 2 to 3 days and comes back cool. everything continues right, and your article taught me something about it. i used to question him whenever he withdraws and he would say “what did i do?” when i tell him it hurts, he would say “i’m so sorry”. i have really understood this withdrawal situation.Thank you

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If you bf tells you he really wants to be with you, with all passion, could he be serious?,even though i believe him.

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So my boyfriend has this 30 “good friend” he met during our break up. At first she seemed harmless but the the fact she asks him to ask me about taking her 10 yr old son to school from Mon-Fri put me in an uncomfortable position. I said yes to help her son out with her situation to not be taken to court since she was supposed to let her ex (child’s father) know 6 months in advance she is moving with her son. Her ex feels my bf is the only guy he can trust with their son. I’ve spoken to her and she says my bf is like her little brother to him and he’s a great influence to her son. Personally I don’t think that is normal at all PLUS ***she had asked my bf if she shld date another ex she had. That made me exremely uncomfortable because I feel she shld know what she’s doing at her age and makes me feel she has other intentions towards my bf. my bf reassured me there’s nothing more than friendship and he wouldn’t talk to her if she attempts more than friendship he wouldn’t ever hurt me in that manner but it had happened before where I warned about another woman as his friend and it caused us our other break up. He’s a big heart and is always ready to help others he always gives me attention and love so I trust him but I don’t trust her and I want to tell her I feel she is not giving us our space as a couple and she is being inappropriate.

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So what happens though when you know a woman is intruding happens to be a “good friend” to him bcs she did this ONE wonderful thing. I’ve told him she makes me uncomfortable. She is 30 has a 10 year old son who is driven to school by my boyfriend 45 mins away from here yet she claims he is like her little brother which to me isn’t normal at all. They had put me in a strange position for asking me if it was ok although I would have preferred she tell me face to face but now I don’t feel good about her at all because I feel she is not giving us our space and not respecting our relationship. My boyfriend is the type that his anyone and I do feel she is taking advantage of this. What can I do? My boyfriend gets mad when I bring up the subject or completely doesn’t understand

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So my boyfriend saying he’s going away for 2 months to destress is okay?

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Renee
Your advice is the best. It makes so much sense. I also love the science and that you are such a femme woman with such a big brain.
My man comes and goes. I hurt but I don’t tell him. He keeps coming and then going, because I knew this thing about men. What I didn’t know was that I have to let him know it hurts.
Thank you.

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Hi Renee,
Me and my boyfriend had been dating for roughly 1 year and 4 months; until now, he’d broken up with me, telling me he wants to keep to who he is. I trust he’s not into any other girl. But doubt he’ may have feeling in his best friend, which he accounts as loving her too bits as a best friend as knowing her for many many years. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him, I want things straight back to be lovey dovey, into a relationship. As i’ve been asked out by a few other guys, and may have feelings for this other guy. Though he knows that too. I talk to my ex everyday and happy, but I don’t know how to move on.. and I don’t exactly want to have a relationship…right now, for atleast the next couple of months, just to focus on studies.
HELP!
Thanks,
Sophie X

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Hi Renee,

I need help ASAP. My boyfriend and I live together in Germany. He moved here for me. We’ve been together for 1 year (living together for 4 months). We have been blissfully in love, no arguments and only small very occasional disagreements. In fact 3 days ago he wrote me the sweetest love letter about how we’re made for each other. Yesterday afternoon I found out that he wasn’t honest with me about something trivial. I reminded him of the importance of honesty in a relationship and how it was a deal-breaker for me. When I came home that night his bags were packed and he said he was going to the Airport to return to the US. He said that he was so sorry that he ruined our relationship and that what he did was irreparable (seriously, the lie was completely trivial, I was just trying to establish boundaries). Our roommate suggested that he take a hotel and sleep on it one night- which I think that he’s doing. I am all about giving a man time to think in his ‘cave’ but seriously this is going to the extreme. I love him. I really feel as though he is my soul mate. I want to marry him. How can I let him leave (me, his home, his job, the country)? Given the drastic nature of this situation should I push? Thank you.

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Anna Reply:
February 12th, 2013 at 9:44 am

Hi, Jen. I’m not Renee but your story touched me. What I feel you should do, is go to him and tell him – “You didn’t fail with me.” And then see what he says after that. Say, “I just want you to know that you didn’t fail with me, you can still make me happy, but I want to know what went through your head and why you thought it was right to say that to me instead of what really happened.” Then, if he decides to stick around, and if you feel he made his decision with genuine good intent for YOU (not just to preserve him), then I would proceed with caution. Let him win your trust back. Good luck.

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Jen Reply:
February 12th, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Thank you Anna for your thoughtful suggestion. I don’t physically know where he is, I think that he took a hotel somewhere to think on things. The lie is minor, he pulled the ink out of the printer because he was tired of being the only one to purchase it, when my roommate asked him where it was, he played dumb.

Following this incident I gave him a long disappointed lecture before bed. The next afternoon I continued drilling this disappointment in to him (I don’t want to start seeing a pattern of lying). When I cam home later that night his bags were packed. He is incredibly sensitive and I can be way too blunt some times, I always have been. He is sweet and loving and listens to me so well, all the time, I don’t know why I felt the need to berate him as I did.

He has done this once before. I told him ‘get your shit together’ (this is the worst I have ever said to him). He quietly told me on the phone, ‘i need to time to think’. It was five days later, but he got back to me and was more loving and committed than he ever had been.

The struggle now is that I don’t have time to leave him to his cave. What if he gets on a plane? He packed his bags and took it all with him (I don’t think he was thinking clearly- he missed the bathroom completely and my roommate said that he was practically falling down the stairs trying to carry all 4 bags in one haul). Who does that? When you take all of your belongings with you doesn’t that mean that you are leaving someone? I know that he wasn’t sure about leaving, but I was so angry upon seeing the bags there that I eventually took off crying. This is ridiculous, we’re 28/29 and are madly in love with one another (at least I thought). I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I should mention that he is a 10 year army veteran. He only left the military 7 months ago, he struggles w/ PTSD, his Unit just deployed and I think he feels very guilty about not being with them. He also moved to Germany to be with me. (The five day think lead him to the decision to come move here). I just don’t know what to do. My only way to contact him is via email and maybe phone. I wrote him a quick email the night he left just saying that I loved him and wanted him to come home. Do you think I should end it there? Thanks (sorry, this is a little complicated).

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Anna Reply:
February 12th, 2013 at 3:17 pm

Hi again, I think right now you should make it a point to be extra kind to him (I know you probably know this) since he does struggle with PTSD; I don’t have it but I can imagine it warps your brain. I’ve learned through my experience that men get very scared when they are berated, and especially when we look disappointed with them. I know, it seems like not a big deal to us, we are just being honest, but to him it must feel like he’s failed miserably. Based on my experience with my man, if a problem is not a big deal to him (and in reading this I can assume he will think this…), and I overreact and he is berated for it, he will want to flee. My man does this. In my honest & humble opinion, it seems to me that your actions were a bit extreme. And the root of this is probably some hurt in your past that had to do with lying or mistrust. It’s completely natural to behave like this if that is the case. But for your man, this emotional, berating reaction to a little thing he did is verrrry scary. So he left, because it’s probably the only thing he knows how to do to deal with the situation. I love the email you sent – it’s very sweet and shows that you care. I don’t think you should take any further action. Based on the fact that he left hastily, and that he missed the bathroom, I think he’s coming back. I mean, he’s going to have to brush his teeth sometime right? I think he just needs some space right now. He’s probably in a hotel somewhere. I think he’ll come back in a few days. Read this post from Renee on how to act when he comes back and you want to talk to him: http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2012/04/talk-to-man-so-wont-pull-away-or-go-cold/ If he flew back to the US, let him be for a while, but I have a feeling that even if he did fly back, and you guys had a little break, he’ll be back. When he does, just welcome him with open arms and learn from this process. I think you guys will be ok.

Anna Reply:
February 12th, 2013 at 3:30 pm

One more thing, I noticed you asked “When you take all of your belongings with you doesn’t that mean that you are leaving someone?” Yes, I would think so. But that doesn’t mean HE thinks so. I would not assume anything or take it personally until you know for sure. When this type of situation comes up, and I make an assumption, I always ask myself: “Can I PROVE that removing all my belongings means I am breaking up with someone in a court of law? I mean, will I win my case with only this evidence? Is there the possibility that taking all your belongings might mean something else?” The reason I write this is I’ve gone through a similar story. My man brought me ALL my clothes from his apartment one day. I immediately thought he wanted to break up. I was distraught. I mean, why would he give me back all my stuff? Turns out he had other reasons, that had nothing to do with me. He’s sweet. The point is, just because he packed up and left doesn’t always mean that he’s leaving you. Hope it works out.

Jen Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Anna,

Thank you again for all of the wisdom and the friendship. You were absolutely right, he felt as though he failed me and disappointed me so badly that it was beyond repair. He is very quiet and oftentimes keeps his feelings to himself. I don’t think that I realized how badly the PTSD was affecting him. He’s written back to me, he’s in the US. His email said that he feels like an idiot, he’s so sorry, he wishes that he could take it all back, could I ever forgive him, why did he do this, what was he thinking, etc. I just can’t believe that he actually got on that plane without a word….. I am trying to push past my own grief at the moment and think about how he is hurting. I want a healthy relationship. That morning I just responded with “Go see a therapist. I love you.”. I couldn’t think of anything else to say that made any sense or that wouldn’t be misunderstood. If he does really love me and did something like that he must have had some sort of a breakdown. Plus I was so angry to find this out that I knew I wasn’t thinking sensibly and shouldn’t attempt a proper email. He followed back today saying that he has an appointment tomorrow, again he’s sorry, he doesn’t deserve me….. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know that if I hadn’t run away crying and had just gone home and back to bed like he’d asked (I was upset, his bags were already packed) then he’d still be here. But maybe it was for the best that he went home. I think that he needs to get some serious help to get over this PTSD and he wasn’t doing it here.
Maybe he’ll come back for a visit. But I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to come back soon, for either of us. I’m really hurt now, I don’t know if I can move past his running away. But I know too that he’s not well and as much as I want to be there with him, for him right now, maybe that’s not what he needs. I think I was distracting him from dealing with his demons and as much as I want to save him from the pain that he’s in now, maybe he just has to face them to get over them. He e-mailed my mom and said, “Please take care of her. She deserves the best and I don’t feel like I can give her the best right now. I need to take care of myself right now, and I can’t give her the best if I’m not doing that”. Why do I feel as though if I were a good girlfriend I could’ve/should’ve been able to make it all better for him? I feel like I failed him.

BTW. Just to summarize:

1. In some cases you shouldn’t let a man run to his cave. (Like when he’s really leaving you because he doesn’t feel needed by you, and your protests could stop that).

2. Sometimes he’s running to his cave and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And you have to let him go.

Anna Reply:
February 21st, 2013 at 7:53 am

Hi Jen, I hope you are feeling better. Sorry to hear that he flew to the States. If I were to put myself in his shoes, in a man’s shoes, I would have felt that I failed you irreparably – his one true love and sanctuary – and all the past hurts in my life (including and especially from the military) would have come up, and then my whole world would have become entirely white before my eyes (you know, like when you die and go to Heaven) and I would have needed to flee, NOW. And go as far, far away from this hurt as possible, in order to survive. The sanctuary he once knew suddenly became a war zone. I wouldn’t have been thinking clearly, that’s for sure. So I can see how he got on that plane. (I’m also putting in the weight of what it must feel like with PTSD).
You were right when you said that sometimes you shouldn’t let a man run to his cave. This would have been one of the instances. I can’t really tell you why I feel that way, but I think it’s because in this case, he is blinded by irrational emotion, and in all other cases when men go to their caves, they are more or less calm and in control of their emotions, but they just don’t feel adequate. So I believe the antidote to IRRATIONAL emotion is RATIONAL emotion, ehehe. You said this: ” I know that if I hadn’t run away crying and had just gone home and back to bed like he’d asked (I was upset, his bags were already packed) then he’d still be here. ” So, the irrational emotion would be to leave when you saw his bags were packed. You were scared and hurt. But, the rational emotion would be to look inside and see that YOU REALLY WANTED HIM TO STAY but were too scared to ask. So I would counteract that strong emotion of his with an equally strong emotion that told him : I need you. I want you to stay. DONT GO. I mean, that’s what you really wanted, right? I wonder what has happened with you guys in the past week and after his therapy. He went there for you, and he’s getting help and improving himself, this is good. I still believe that deep inside, you want him there. I think that after a while, if you feel like it, you can tell him: “I appreciate you going to see a therapist. I hope you are able to understand and work through the PTSD a little better. If you want, you can come home (to Germany). Whatever problems you have we can work through together.” And he can find a therapist if he needs it in Germany. Hey, good luck!

Jen Reply:
February 27th, 2013 at 6:58 am

Thanks again Anna. You’ve been such a help through all of this, I felt like I needed to update you. As soon as I found out that he’d gone back to the States I began e-mailing him messages saying that I loved him, I was proud of him, I felt that he was worthy of my love and I was worthy of his. Every day I emailed him encouraging messages and would ask him about therapy and how he was feeling. I never blamed him for leaving, got upset, nothing. I was just worried about him. I mean who runs out on a one year relationship because I questioned his honesty over some printer ink? He must have had a nervous breakdown, PTSD, something… I waited about a week. He still didn’t have an answer for me as to why he left. I didn’t know what to think, where to turn, I needed answers. All I kept thinking about was that he freaked out over an honesty talk and kept telling me that what he’d done was irreparable… I started looking around on the internet. He lied. He lied about everything. He never graduated from college, he doesn’t own 5 houses. He owns 1/2 of a house, with his ex-wife (of 6 years). And he has a 3 year old child. I didn’t know any of this!!!!!! We were talking about getting married, what would we be like as parents, etc… I did some more research, found some info on dissociation- thought given his job in the military maybe he really did block out his old life when he met me and believed the lies that he was telling me. I called his mother last night. According to her not only was he aware that he was lying to me, but she defended it! Saying, the poor thing has had such trouble w/ his ex-wife that he just didn’t know how to tell you. WTF?! And his child? She’s just as crazy as him. But the thing is, I fell for all of it. He was calculating, intelligent and thought everything through. Sorry update you on a horror story. But just a thought- as we’re all writing here trying to find ways to understand and please our men, let’s not forget to protect ourselves too.

Anna C Reply:
February 27th, 2013 at 7:57 am

Jen – wow! That is kind of a blind side. Sometimes, there’s that small percentage of men who are exceptions to the rule. He probably fled because of that little lambast on honesty you gave him because he HAD been lying all along! It probably had little to do with his PTSD. I wonder if he lied about seeing a therapist too. Now I know he really needs one. But think of it this way – he actually did you a HUGE favor by leaving. If I could give you some suggestions… you don’t have to read past this if you don’t want to…. is to be careful what you read on the internet sometimes about someone. In this instance it was true, but sometimes, it is not. Apparently his mom confirmed it, so it was true this time. Also, it’s easy to diagnose people and explain their problems via something found on the internet. I know, I do it too. I used to spend hours searching the internet sometimes trying to find an explanation for a certain male behavior. It’s our nature to analyse things so that we feel secure. You’re right, you have to protect yourself sometimes. But there is a balance between protecting yourself and being open. I truly believe this was an isolated incident and it would be best to totally work through how you are feeling right now so that this does not cause you to remain jaded for the next man in your life. It’s going to be SO EASY to let this horrible experience cloud your future experiences if you don’t stop and go through these feelings of loss (it’s like that 4 step guide to loss – denial, anger, bargaining… etc). I was hurt by a man so badly 7 years ago, and it caused me at least 2 whole years of suffering and bad decisions because I didn’t know how to work through those emotions and handle the situation. Hey, I’m really sorry you had to go through this. I know you’re really smart, and you’ll get through this.

Hi Renee,

I know it’s important to give men their space but am so confused about what to do with the current situation I’m in. I’ve been dating this guy off and on for the past 16 months. Recently he moved out-of-state to start a new job. He was the one that initiated the idea of a long distance relationship. Slowly I noticed he was withdrawing and it was harder to get a hold of him. I decided to write him an e-mail explaining how I felt. Looking over it, I think it may have been harsher than I intended and bruised his ego. After four days he never responded. It was like he was giving me the silent treatment. It made me so angry that I sent him a few angry messages. This whole thing was a miscommunication that snowballed and I feel so horrible about everything. It’s been a little over a month now and I still haven’t heard anything back from him. If he would have told me to leave him be, I would. This whole silent treatment stuff is beyond confusing. I know he used to love me but have no clue what’s going on inside his head anymore since he lives so far away now. I really thought he was the love of my life and am heartbroken. Is there anything to do?

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Anna C Reply:
February 27th, 2013 at 8:08 am

I’m not Renee but, omigosh, I know how you feel. Isn’t it true that when we feel insecure, and we express that insecurity and explain it in a long note, that any woman would respond right away with reassurance? I’ve found that men don’t act that way. They look at the note you wrote and it says to him “blah blah blah blah..” A friend of mine used to say that sometimes an emotionally immature man will look at something that displays A LOT of emotional talk, and anger, and run away and not respond because… he doesn’t want to feel insecure for not knowing what to say or do. These emotions are threatening to him because he doesn’t know a lot about them. And the more you are ignored, the more angry you get. Oh I remember that feeling! It’s going to be hard but when you feel this way, you should not respond further. When you feel you are sending things and he is not responding, then stop sending. Whenever I start sending my man things, and I find he’s not responding, my first thought is – ANXIETY! But then I imagine a huge stop sign in my head that says STOP, and I pick up a book instead. As for your situation, I would leave him alone for a week or so after your last message. Then send him an interesting or funny article that can be an inside joke for the 2 of you (just to him, not a mass email) and see if he responds. If he doesn’t respond I would just forget about him, as hard as it is to do that.

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Jen Reply:
March 3rd, 2013 at 9:54 pm

Yes, I waited three weeks and still didn’t get any kind of response. Before I saw your post, I made the mistake of sending one more message that wasn’t such a funny one. I know I should move on but it’s just so hard because I know he used to love me. It’s such a hard feeling to close the door without fully understanding what happened. I feel like I’ll always wonder because I know he used to care about me by the way he’d look at me. It’s not like we weren’t serious either. That’s the thing that kills me. A week before this happened he asked me if I’d consider moving in with him. I’m beyond hurt and confused and find it so hard to move on without understanding…

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Laura Reply:
March 3rd, 2013 at 9:58 pm

Anna,

I wish I would have seen this earlier. I waited three weeks and still didn’t hear anything back. Something similiar happened to one of my good friends. Except she waited 10 months before hearing back from her guy. He told her he was ashamed. I have no clue if this is the case for me but I feel like I need to move on. It just sucks feeling so helpless without any kind of response. A week before he ignored me, he asked me if I wanted to move in with him. I’m just so stumped and it makes me wonder if he ever cared. How can someone ignore a person for that long when they know it hurts them? Any suggestions for how to move on?

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When is it ok to contact your man when he pulls away? My boyfriend is very masculine and is in graduate school (so am I) and he can go several days without contacting me. he said he does that so I can concentrate in school, since I failed two classes last year. if I text him he replies, and if I call he will answer. I wish he would call more and try to see me more but he doesn’t like to see me as much during the semester. He says he loves me. he says he’s my husband and talked about me having his baby.. But it seems like he would rather hang with his friends sometimes

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I have been with a guy for 2 years.He is been behind me like crazy and spend hours talking and chatting with each other.We started having hot chats via phone and texting and this went on for 2 months.We were totally mad about each other but then I came to know he has been flirting with other coleagues of mine as we all work in the same place.When i asked him he said he is close to them but the level he shares with me is different and I am very important for him.I trusted him and was fine.But after few days I could not accept this and had a break up with him.We dint speak for 2 months but he was in touch with my friend just to check on how I am doing.After 2 months he begged me to come back.Initially I said no but after few days I had to give up as I am very crazy abt him.But since we got back ,he never wants to call or chat with me.He sees me in office and exchanges few lines.I dony tunderstand this nature of his.He begged me to come back and now when I am with him,he is pulling away.Once in a while he tells that he misses the time we used to hang out.What do i do?I am very disrturbed but I love him like mad.Please suggest…I am not going behind him as I want to give him his space.

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My ex and I are split up. We are still best friends, live together and things have been perfect. I think he is in this phase. Who knows which side of the fence he will wake up on. Until then I guess I will enjoy living with my best friend and lover. We talk about what we want out of our next relationship.. and sometimes we just sit here and look at each other because we know it’s something we can both easily do and want. It’s confusing. He still introduces me as his girlfriend or will tell me he was talking to so and so and told them “my girlfriend did this…” and I don’t say anything but… WHAT?!

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My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. It was really great at the beginning. We were constantly talking and he was being so romantic and talking about our future. But for the past few days, we’ve barely been talking. He told me he’s going through a lot and he’s really sorry, so I asked him to talk to me and tell me what’s going so that I can help him get through it, and he just didn’t respond. I’m worried that he’s having second thoughts about our relationship or that he just doesn’t love me. Could this be a sign of his avoiding stage or is this something else?

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Nessa Reply:
January 26th, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Whatever you do, don’t poke. I know it’s hard. Believe me. You just have to let him be and let him come to you. Just don’t act different, be loving, supportive and don’t initiate any commitment stuff…let him do it since he’s feeling scared atm. It may not have anythjing to do with you and if it does…believe me, he’ll tell you. Whenever a guy is experiencing an emotional time 9/10 they won’t talk to you about it. Unelss of course you’re dating a femme man. There are many men out there like that and some women prefer dating a ‘womanly man’ rather than a typical male. I found I was more like a mother than a gf with those kinds of guys…or that I had no strong pillar to lean on. So despite the pulling away stuff pissing me off….I prefer my man needing some time for himself every now and then. It’s healthier for the relationship..ANY relationship. Let your man miss you a bit. Trust me…he will come back full force if he’s that committed. Just don’t get whiny, clingy and freak out. I pushed my man away doing that and now I know what he needs from me when he freaks the shit. He’ll say contradicting stuff, act like ‘I’m crazy’ and avoid my questions of ‘what’s wrong’ by saying ‘I’m fine. Nothing is wrong. You’re just crazy/annoying me/I’m sorry I’m just busy etc’ excuse after excuse. I just drop it, change the subject or let him come to me to give him space. Not all ‘space’ is bad. Oh and don’t think negative or you’ll sabotage your own relationship! I’d say, do your normal routine with him but don’t bring up lovey dovey stuff. Men hate change. If you don’t say ‘i love you’ when you normally do, he’ll know he’s probably freaked you out and quit it, or he’ll flat out tell you what’s wrong. Either way, just don’t jump the gun. Don’t spam emails or texts or calls. Just let him come to you.

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Freedom, freedom, freedom. Men always want and need freedom. Hey ladies, doesn’t this piss you off sometimes?? I mean, can’t you men be a team player sometimes? At least TELL me when you plan to pull away and maybe give me a “pulling away care package” so I don’t have to cry my eyes out whenever you push the relationship backwards whenever you need your precious “freedom”. Seriously, there should be a business that makes “pulling away care packages for women” that includes:
- Instructions on how to behave when he pulls away to go through the process most smoothly (a print out of this article)
- Flowers
- A card that says “I love you; I’ll be back”
- A coupon for one romantic dinner once he gets back.

Pfft men & their freedom! Ugh!!!

As you can see, I’m in pulling away stage now. Occupying myself with a soccer match, but am pissed he keeps on moving the relationship back whenever it goes forward. It’s like we get NOWHERE!!! Anyone else frustrated with this???

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AC Reply:
January 26th, 2013 at 4:58 pm

Ok ok I know I’m supposed to see his withdrawl as a gift to me for being a man… but I find that when he comes back wanting closeness, I’m already having too much fun & I don’t want to be close anymore…. then he draws me in… and I like it close… then he pulls away & I’m like “HEY! WTF! I WAS ENJOYING THAT!” Then when I’m having fun on my own and he comes back I’m like, again, “HEY! WTF! I WAS ENJOYING THAT!” I guess that’s what pisses me off the most.

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AC Reply:
January 28th, 2013 at 7:03 am

Fine I realized that my not wanting to get close to him again after he’s pulled away a reaction to the fact that I will be hurt again when he pulls away. Scared to get close again and have to feel this way even when I know it will happen and he is just being a man. I hope my rambling realizations helped somebody.

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rm Reply:
February 1st, 2013 at 2:05 pm

Pisses me off is saying it lightly!! Why do men get to be total buttholes and us women have to just sit back and “wait it out”?! Why do we have to tend to their every need while we’re being ignored? My man cheated-I knew he was, and let it go for awhile, thinking “fine..get it out of your system”, I mean it shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. I made it stop, confronted him, of course he denies (although I have proof). Now that he can’t have her anymore, professes that he loves me more than anyone in the world, and would never hurt me…he just “takes care of himself” if you know what I mean. I’ve become the weekend only sex woman, I’ve even caught him sneaking his phone in the bathroom to “take care of himself” while I was home! I’ve waited long enough on him to get over things and have his “man freedom”. I’m getting really sick of it!! Somebody really needs to come up with a way to “fix” things WITHOUT making us women sound like a bunch of using, nagging, worthless pieces of crap, and making it look as if the men are the poor little abused boys that do nothing wrong! THEY bring this kind of crap on themselves! Maybe us women should start acting like them and see how they like it!

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Nessa Reply:
February 1st, 2013 at 2:15 pm

I hate to break it to you, but that isn’t “pulling away”. At least that’s not the type I deal with, or this article is talking about, your partner is just a cheating scum bag. If my bf ever did something like that to me, and was dishonest with me even for a second, he’d soon find his ass without me around…FOREVER. He knows I will not tolerate disloyalty, lying, betrayal of trusts in any format and if all he’s going to do is want to go brood in a corner for a few days from me and act like “I’m crazy” because I’m worried there’s something “wrong”, I’ll take it. Cause I have been cheated on in every relationship prior to my current man and I was losing hope a good man existed. My heart goes out to you. Dump his ass. Seriously. He has no respect for you and he doesn’t love you if he’s treating you like this. This isn’t pulling away to get man space, this is just him being a douche bag.

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AC Reply:
February 1st, 2013 at 7:41 pm

Nessa is completely right there, and I couldn’t have said it better. I know it hurts to hear but cheating is not the type of pulling away that’s mentioned here. If he is so intent on “taking care of himself ” I’m wondering why he doesn’t think it’s possible that he can take care of himself with you.

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I have the same situation. My boyfriend and I were engaged last year. I was so excited about our wedding that I had failed to notice that he was beginning to pull away from our relationship. I can feel that something is wrong because he’s been acting strange lately.. Later on, I found out that he’s not ready to commit. I was so hurt! I told him why did he propose to me when he’s not yet ready. I was devastated. We did not speak for 4 months. I tried to accept that maybe we’re not meant to be but god knows I love him. Then, the table has been turned. After new year, he’s been texting me and he said he’s sorry and want me to give him another chance. He said he loves me very much and that he has plans for me when he gets back. I’m confused as you are. I don’t know if I should accept him and forget about everything that he did to me or let him punish for what he has done. x

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nessa Reply:
January 26th, 2013 at 7:46 am

Honestly I would tell him how hurt you are and that if he does it again you’re gone for good. Don’t punish him because that will lead to resentment. But I really would sit him down and tell him he has to work to gain your trust again and that maybe he won’t be able to get it back and there’s a chance you may not want to be his wife whena ll is said and done. That will really open his eyes. Guys who freak out THAT MUCH aren’t just afraid, they really don’t know WHAT they want out of the relationship. It’s one thing to talk about kids, a house, moving in together and not doing it and then pulling away for a few days or a week or so and getting afraid when the woman initiates the commitment topics…because quite frankly men love to be in control of when and where that stuff happens when they get afraid that you won’t be there….I really feel your bf was confused. You need to be firm and if you love him with all your heart and soul, just tell him the above, try to give him that second chance and you’ll know either you’re worth it to him, or not. Gaining trust back is a hard thing to do. That will really get him working or bolting. So you’ll know very fast if he’s the one or just a whishy washy child.

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Great advice Renee! Thanks for helping people all around the world!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We are an official couple: i’ve met his family and friends, he introduces me as his girlfriend, we spend most of our free time together etc. All in all he’s a great guy. BUT in all of this year he hasn’t said that he loves me. So I started wondering if there was something wrong, specially since lately he has been super withdrawn.
So, I left him alone and when he came back to me, I asked him about the withdrawing and he said that he withdraws from time to time because he feels that I’m more into the relationship than he is, that he’s afraid of opening up and falling in love with me, and that he doesn’t know why he’s having such a hard time being open and vulnerable. I couldn’t believe that after a whole year together being super serious he now pulls the “I’m afraid of love/relationships” card. So as I was leaving for good he said he really wanted to work things out and he didn’t want to lose me. After the conversation, he’s no longer distant but I feel so confused and hurt and I’m not sure what to do. Please help!!!!
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Me and my bf have been going out for nearly a year. He used to be real clingy and like me alot but after alot of fights and misunderstandings and lack of communication he now text less, calls less and rarely wants to see me unless his friends are there. He calls still in the arvo, and says goodmorning and goodnight and I tried to lessen being so emotional and the whole “do you love me” questions. I can’t tell if he still takes me serious and he said he loves me but is depressed in the relationship. How can I make him interested again and stop worrying so much. It seems one fight and I will push him away more real bad.

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My boyfriend pulls away all the time and I hate it. he says he loves me when we see each other but I still get sad when he pulls away for a week. I love him and somehow we lasted 7 months with my friends trying to break us up and even a guy trying to full my head with lies about my boyfriend. I keep wondering if I am kidding myself with this guy but he stuck around even though I was intensely insecure in the beginning. How do I know he still loves me when he pulls away.

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Nessa Reply:
January 20th, 2013 at 7:23 pm

Well you guys made it through drama, he’s been there for you when you’ve been insecure (guys really can’t put up with that insecurity stuff with women constantly needing reassurance, or other behavior associated with it. MOST guys anyway. If he’s the type to want to fix people…well then that is likely why he’s stuck around through that.) and he keeps comingi back to you, faithful, I will assume. If he’s not been faithful, then dump him. He doesn’t love you and he’s a selfish, very selfish, disrespectful man. You remind me of me at the beginning of my 4 yr relationship with my beau. He stuck by me while I worked through my own self loathing and even today I am insecure, he’s still here while he’s deployed and hasn’t given up on me, or us and in fact when he pulls away I don’t get afraid. I realize he just feels bad for not being able to be here for me in person so I let him have man space and ground himself. Men typically don’t deal well with feeling intense feelings for the woman they love more than anything because it scares them. He may be pulling away because you guys have been talking about settling down, doing commitment stuff together and he’s afraid you’ll bail at some point and leave him heart broken. But remember this, regardless of his reasons (oh and above all else do not try to fish the reason out. You’ll only push him away. He’ll tell you when he’s comfortable to express his feelings, IF he ever is.), he’s still here. He still comes back and if the only thing you guys do is have sex, then he may be there because you’re easy access, if you guys do relationship things together and he’s definitely been doing stuff for you (guys are big on actions. Ignore his words, they’re cheap. Actions are everything whereas women are rapport builders through words. Men are the opposite unless they are femme males who just so happen to be really in tune and comfy feeling their emotions and being ‘in’ them)., then he loves you, or at the bare minimum finds you are irreplaceable and is working through his intense feelings for you.

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Tata Reply:
January 20th, 2013 at 11:21 pm

Thank you Nessa. i know talk is cheap but when he stares in my eyes and tells me he loves me it feels so good. We do have sex together, we dont go out much so i was scared he was just saying what he thought i wanted to hear. But he is all around a very honest man, very generous and does not lie.

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Hello everyone, I have read many of these posts and even though I totally agree with Renee’s article above and find it very useful, valid and helpful to me personally, I also think that SOMETIMES some men “just aren’t that into us.” While we can understand a man’s need for distance, our challenging task as women is to try to determine if he’s just not into us or if his distance is just a need for autonomy and independence. For me, if my partner didn’t contact me for several days or weeks for no apparent reason, I’d have to say goodbye, especially if it was early on in a relationship. There could be other things going on as well, not just the need for independence. Also, I have discovered through personal experience that some men need more space than others. While honoring his need for independence and also HONORING OURSELVES, the challenging task for us as women is trying to determine for ourselves how much space we personally are able to tolerate in a relationship and find a man whose level of independence best matches our level of tolerance—it’s probably not going to match exactly because women are women and men are men, but find a man that won’t make you feel as uncomfortable with his level of independence as another. There will be some discomfort on our end, of course, but what is tolerable and how much distance are you going to feel most comfortable with? When making this determination, we must remain realistic and not expect our partner to be the “end all be all” in our pursuit for happiness. We have to take some responsibility for our happiness as well.

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All i ask is for my partner to say he needs time when he needs to withdraw this does not happen. instead, he gets cold and walks away leaving me with big question marks. I have been in this relationship for two years, and even though i expressed to himm timme and tie again jjust tell me you need time. He can get upset at what i term liittle things, usually when he makes a statement and I question it he will pull away. I can understand one day however, upto ten days drives me crazy because he is upset and lets me know he is upset through his body language not through words or action. This is what i call the silent treatment and it hurts and is very confusing for me. What can I do to make these times easier for myself. So that I will not get upset or mad to accept this where he is and this is what he needs to do and this is where I am and this is what I need to do to feel ok with it. What do I need to do to feel OK with his withdrawal episodes

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Nessa Reply:
January 15th, 2013 at 11:01 am

I can sympathize with you Lorna. My partner does the same stuff and he’s deployed so it’s very hard for me to read him because he can’t use a webcam and I can for security reasons. He’ll just be like “Sooo I’m out.” and I’m sitting there like…”what did I say to halt this convo?” and usually it happens for NO reason. Like we aren’t talking about committment stuff or lovey stuff, we’re just bsing talking about books or games or our day. Well I have discovered…and it took 3 years for him to admit this to me, that sometimes he gets distracted with outside stimuli, like TV, or he’ll run something in day through his mind and it will upset him and he just needs HIM time to process. 9/10 it’s not me, it’s not something I DID, he just needs alone time and even though we get little time together whiel he’s deployed, he’s very stressed out and needs to ground himself MORE SO. Just being exposed to emotions of any kind can make him pull away a bit if he’s not in the feely mood. So maybe your partner is stressed, going through some internal battle, maybe he’s going through every little thing in recent days and something upset him and he just doesn’t want to talk about it. Guys generally, from my experience, will only emotionally expose themselves when they feel they aren’t in a vulnerable state. Of course what a vulnerable state ot one guy is, may be diff. to another. Like my man never will admit he’s insecure while I’m here and he’s rotting in a desert wasteland, but, his teasing lets me know he is and that’s scared of losing me. his actions are the biggest indicator of how much I mean to him. Guys express how they ffeel through actions more than words. Pretty much ignore his words, focus on how he responds physically to certain stimuli. I hate to break it to you girl, but he’s probably NEVER going to tell you why he gets the way he does or what triggers it. My man hasn’t and we’ve been in love, together, for 4 years and 2.5 of those has him being deployed. My advice to you is to be patient, do your own stuff, make yourself less available filling up your time, JUST A BIT…(i.e. if you’re usually a social person, hanging out with friends, aybe adopt a new hobby, change your routine a bit and do something that doesn’t require his company. If you’re usually a loner, like I am, maybe hang out with a girlfriend or two more often when he gets like this. He’ll miss you and realize how much you mean to him and that will snap him out of his funk). Also sometimes men pull away because they feel ‘weak’ for feeling this love for a woman and knowing they need us more than, or equally, as much as we need them. They pull away to see HOW MUCH we mean to them. When they get scared we’ll bolt, or they miss us, or they’ve gotten their man-thing back in check, they come back. If this is a cycle, don’t worry about it. Just be patient, loving and above all else, DO NOT, lash out. Let him know he hurt you, but only after embracing him lovingly and do it in a way that doesn’t make him feel less of a man. Like lashing out with mind games. Men want to feel respected, loved, needed and want their women to be ‘chill’ and understanding, not freak out when they need guy time. Because honestly…they really don’t think they’re doing anything “wrong”. They are like children…they may evolve, but their emotional level is always like a child. What I’ll do is tell my man “hey, I realize I may have been a pain a couple of days before you wanted some ‘space’, and I just wanted to say whatever I did, or said, that may have upset you, I’m sorry for, but I really missed you these past few days and would like to do something fun with ya if you’re up for it?” Usually if you express you may have done somethign to upset them, they’ll admit it wasn’t you at all and act all confused like “Why doe sshe think SHE did something wrong? I waas just doing my man thing.” But you also let the dude know he was missed, for whatever reason made him pull away. That works with my man. Dunno if it’ll work with yours lol. Good luck though!

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Hi Renee,
Great article.. Just wanted to get your advice on something I am experiencing. I have been with my bf for five years and he is an amazing person.. We have talked about marriage, kids, etc. i trully believe I have found my soulmate.. I have never felt so loved in my life and these past five years have been nothing but happiness. My bf is very supportive and I as well am supporive to him. He applied for a dream job of his a few months ago and worked very hard to try to get the job, while in the process of applying for the job he was very positive as was I.. He talked about how much greater our lives would be if he got this job…. Unfortanutely he did not get the job and it really destroyed him.. I tried everythig to cheer him up but it seemed that he became very distant and was pushing me away. I also have read the book men are from mars and women are from venus and i do think that he may be pullinh away because he lost his independence as we do everything together. Well to get to my point, almost two weeks ago my bf broke down to me and told me he is unhappy with his life and feels worthless.. He says he is crazy in love with me but he sees that his unhappiness is hurting me as he is very distant and not as affectionate. He says he needs some space and time alone. This killed me. I have been extremeley depressed since then.. I am afraid of losing the love of my life. Do you have any advice for me? I have been keepinh my distance as i respect he needs space but I am very afraid and everything I do reminds me of him.. Each day feels like a year and as much as I try to keep busy it is really hurting me.
Thank you for listening.

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Renee Wade Reply:
January 11th, 2013 at 12:50 pm

Hi Dee,

I feel for your boyfriend, and for you. He sounds like a wonderful man. You haven’t lost him at all. And the KEY to not losing him is loving him and believing in him through all of this. You are not in a man’s shoes, but I suggest you try putting yourself there – truly. With all your energy. You will be able to understand him a lot better.

As a man in this position, it is also very hard for him to feel what it might be like for YOU – he wants to take care of you, and losing this amazing job that he thought would make your life together more amazing makes him feel like he might have let you down. It’s a HUGE thing in a man’s mind – regardless of whether YOU think he let you down or not.

Love,
Renee.

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Dee Reply:
January 11th, 2013 at 2:14 pm

Thank you so much for your response. It means so much to me to feel that someone out there cares. I am putting all of my faith in our love and am trying to remain strong and understand that love is never easy but always worth it and that this obstacle will make our love stronger and better.
Is this all I can do though? I am so afraid becuse it has been two weeks now and I havent heard a word from him I understand men cope differently from us women and he may just need time alone. I am afraid he wont come back, even with all of my faith this sticks on the negative side of my mind and drives me crazy.

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Deena Reply:
January 13th, 2013 at 10:19 pm

I am in a similar situation where he’s withdrawn because of being laid off at his job, he had hopes to take care of me and my 8 yr old and moving forward with our relationship. He even went as far as saying he understands if I find another man who is financially secure! I took it as a breakup but I know he misses me and adores me but he said he needs time alone to deal with all this. I miss him so much but all I can do is be here for him emotionally when he calls or texts. This is new relationship for 2 months so it could be a test for me too. if I get the urge to call him (which is several times a day) I stop myself and remind myself he needs this time to himself to start feeling like a man again. Its not easy but in the long wrong I think it will be worth it. I’m not interested in dating anyone else but if I find he’ll never call me again after a couple months, I guess I’ll have to move on and keep myself occupied.

I think its really nice you say “its not because he doesn’t care” as that’s what I am feeling now. As my man has gone distant all of a sudden. From have 4 dates, both saying we are like the male\female versions of each other and generally getting on well, and hearing from him xmas day…….then the distance thing started to happen? Hi sent him one message about 4 days later asking a general msg, he said he didn’t have reception back home (which is a fair point) and saying is “everything ok, havnt heard from u in a couple of days” he said everything was? And asked him one more text to meet up in the city for lunch, and he replied, but was at the other office not in the city which I forgot, but saying “I’m at the other office today so not in london, otherwise I would of course! Hope ur ok tho and hopefully we can catch up soon” …….that’s a good reply tho right?

So messaged him back encouragingly “that’s cool, glad you want to meet up still there is that show we wanted to see on if u still wanted to go to that? Have fun tonight (NYE) and save a kiss for me under the mistletoe! hopefully see you in 2013 xx”. Good txt right?

For xmas, the guy got me jack wills ear muffs for my present after 3 dates (gave it to me on our 4th) as he knew I’d lost mine………..which is why I don’t understand 3 days later that he’s gone this way?

His best freind from thailan is back after a year, who he lives with in london but is from back home…….could he just be doing man stuff with him, as on facebook he’s been with him a lot?

Now……………nothing? 5 days?

My question: how do u know if he’s just being a man and wanting space, or if he’s giving u the sign he’s lost interest? How much time is recommeneded?

What about “if a guy likes u he will make the effort”?

Thank you

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Renee Wade Reply:
January 11th, 2013 at 12:54 pm

Hari – the saying ‘if a guy likes you he will make the effort’ applies is some cases, not all./ It depends how long you have been together or dating, and what the situation is actually like between you two – are you in love? Just having fun? Etc.

As for your situation it’s only been 4 dates. BUT – his friend is over. Men don’t have much attention to give women when they also have other huge responsibilities. That doesn’t mean he won’t at many points in the future, it just means that this is true right now.

Men are lost when it comes to time – mostly, they don’t think ahead unless it is crucial to their mission or job or current project. So he probably doesn’t realise he has been off the radar for a few days.

Love,
Renee.

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Hari Reply:
January 11th, 2013 at 1:13 pm

Hi Renne,

Thanks for getting back to me!

Part of me wants to not make it a big deal, and thinks he’s just being a man and not being able to multi task? The other part of me thinks that he can’t of been busy for 2 weeks solidly? Surely? Then I see on facebook that it was his best mates bday tuesday and his family have been staying for his freinds bday! So I just don’t want to over react and scare him off, or seem needy, but I just like to know if he has lost interest or if he is just genuinelly busy?

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Hari Reply:
January 11th, 2013 at 1:59 pm

And he’s been off the radar (except to replying to my messages) for nearly 2 weeks, since boxing day? Xx

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Alright, so my boyfriend of eight months broke up with me about three months ago. At the six month mark in our relationship he gets really distant. I didn’t badger him or ask him why, but I felt that he was putting a lot more space between us. We used to play fight, joke around, go places and just enjoy being with eachother. In fact, he is the only one that I have ever dated or met that I instantly knew that this guy was it. There was no second guessing the fact that we made a great pair. It was kind of weird. I balanced him out in a way and he did the same for me. He was very short tempered and I could make him laugh a few seconds after he got angry and he would forget what he was angry about. We Unever really had any serious arguments, if we did then we simply talked about it and moved past it. Anywho, around the six month mark he began going through some personal issues and that’s when things went down hill. He stopped bothering to text me or respond to texts, he would disappear for three days and not bother to let me know whats going on..he said he was just trying to chill out, but I just didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just say that instead of falling off of the face of the earth. I never judged him. If he needed space then I understood, but he would do things like that almost as if he thought I would flip out. He spent six months getting to know me enough to know that if anybody would understand, it’s me. He just stopped being in the relationship and I tried my best to keep things afloat, but it takes two people to keep a relationship together. I felt like he was purposely distancing us so that it would result in us breaking up all together. I felt like I was willing give him every ounce of love that I had and he pretended like he was going to do the same, but then snatched it back at the last second. It’s really hard to put into words…I just thought that he wasn’t willing to put forth the extra effort to fight for our relationship and completely gave up on me as soon as things weren’t peaches and cream like the beginning of our relationship. It’s like the first 6 months was our honeymoon stage where we both think that we each are flawless, perfect..then one day he realizes that our relationship is getting deep and bails. That moment when we broke up he tells me how amazing I am for not over reacting or flipping out, but in reality I was flipping out, on the inside. It took every ounce of energy I had not to shatter into a trillion pieces right there. I had invested so much love, time and care with him…it just hurt that he was willing to throw all of that away. He told me he didn’t know who he was and was still basically trying to build a life for himself, which I get. But, at the same time the only thing I can do is picture him in three years married to someone else with kids..the whole nine and it hurts. I was terrified to let him go because I wasn’t sure if I would ever get a chance to try it again once he’s settled with his life. But something else put me off…when I said that maybe we could try a relationship later in life when we were both settled and comfortable with our lives, he looked at his feet and kind of shuffled. I took that as “I don’t like the sound of that” and that crushed me even more. Sure, he said “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea” with his mouth, but his actions said otherwise. I have never been this heart broken, but if he does not want me, then I deserve somebody that does. I will always love him, but I know that as time passes it will get a little easier to move on. The thing is, every relationship is bound to have ups and downs and if you give up on them everytime things get a little tough, you’ll be 90 years old one day wishing that you had fought for that one person that you knew loved you, instead of walking away without a fight. I was ready to fight for us, but what is the point of trying to fight for something when the person that you are fighting for gave up?

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Alright, so my boyfriend of eight months broke up with me about three months ago. At the six month mark in our relationship he gets really distant. I didn’t badger him or ask him why, but I felt that he was putting a lot more space between us. We used to play fight, joke around, go places and just enjoy being with eachother. In fact, he is the only one that I have ever dated or met that I instantly knew that he was it. There was no second guessing the fact that we made a great pair. It was kind of weird. I balanced him out in a way and he did the same for me. He was very short tempered and I could make him laugh a few seconds after he got angry and he would forget what he was angry about. We had never really had any serious arguments, we simply talked about it and moved past it. Anywho, around the six month mark he began going through some personal issues and that’s when things went down hill. He stopped bothering to text me or respond to texts, he would disappear for three days and not bother to let me know whats going on..he said he was just trying to chill out, but I just didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just say that instead of falling off of the face of the earth. I never judged him. If he needed space then I understand, but he would do things like that almost as if he thought I would flip out. He spent six months getting to know me enough to know that if anybody would understand, it’s me.

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So that mean we always have to be men’s toys, we have to put our self in their shoes to understand them , but what they would give us instead just tears and hard time, we are nearly in 2013 but still we have to dance in any sound that men play for us God help us.

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Renee Wade Reply:
December 31st, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Yes God help us Sealab – since we don’t have the power as women over our own life, right?

And especially since we are doomed to dance in a man’s sound and bathe in the tears THEY cause us.

We can only be a toy if we see ourselves that way. Interesting perspective you have there!

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Great article, but how do would you know if the man is going to come back? I have no problem with giving a man his freedom at all but the ones that have pulled back on me have never returned. And I have never contacted them again either. So if men have this need we as women have to give it to them regardless if we know they will be back or not because in reality we may as well because it causes us stress and anxiety either way? Let them go, get on with our lives and if they come back and we want them back all is good. How would you know they are not having a hook up with another woman then bouncing back and forth to you? How long do you let them be the silence giver until you know they are not coming back? Two days, 1 week or 3 months?? I mean sure if men need this ‘pull back’ time like breathing air, why can’t they say I need to be alone, but I WILL stay in touch and mean it? Hells Bells it is a crazy world, I think riding horses is way better than dealing with men!

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Renee Wade Reply:
December 31st, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Hi Kate – how would you know if he’s going to come back? You use a little test.

And another thing – part of living, and being alive is knowing that, we never have control over any person, especially a man. If you want him to come back, if we want anyone to stay in our lives, we need to add enough value to them; but the key is figuring out what is ‘value’ to that person.

To some it’s fun and light-heartedness, to others it’s depth and deep conversation, to others it’s being a challenge. The list is endless; everyone is different.

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pippa Reply:
January 2nd, 2013 at 7:44 pm

you said u use a little test .. whats that then? thanks x

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Okay..
I am going through this right now. I think I freaked out my boyfriend because I called him like 14 times in the span of a few hours. When the night before he told me how much he loves me telling me I’m his “Rose” from the Titanic and wants to break the Guiness Book of World Records with me in getting married over 100 times. We have been seriously talking about marriage daily these last weeks and I admit, I forgot I was dealing with a man. (It has been years since I dated anyone) I was sharing all my thoughts on marriage and my worries and fears and bringing up the topic more than him.
Mistake number one.

So now he has shut the phone on me and not contacted me today.
Did I blow it? I sent a mail telling him I was no longer contacting him and if he needed space that was fine but to always communicate if he could so I am not left to wonder what the hell is happening and if he is ever SAFE? I do not think that is too much to ask!

How can I regain the control here? (Obviously I will not be calling him anymore)
But my question is this- WILL THIS PUSH PULL THING CONTINUE IN MARRIAGE?

The key is to make them want you..If they think you are too needy or if you pursue them, it just will not work. Silly me. I forgot.
Advice?

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Renee Wade Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Hi Niti – you’ve brought up so many things here.

Firstly – your aim shouldn’t be to control – once you think you have control, that feeling then AGAIN gets threatened by the fear of loss of control – and then at some point later on you realise – you actually have no control.

Don’t worry about any of it right now – he may not have shut the phone off on you at all, he’s probably being a man and being super busy and totally doesn’t even GET that you’re worrying.

And another thing – are you really TRULY worried about whether or not he is safe? Or are you using that as a cover up for your fear that he is going to disappear on you.

At the end of the day, if a man has to update you regularly letting you know he’s safe – you’re asking him to do something completely the opposite of his nature.

Try having a man ask you – ‘hey, it’d be great, if you could stop feeling anything. Just stop having FEELINGS, ok? That would make me feel good.’

Won’t work. You’re a woman. You feel things about everything.

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Hari Reply:
January 8th, 2013 at 7:55 am

Hello!

I surpose it is a feeling of loss of control. And a loss of equal balance of communcation. I feel out of control cos I can’t make him txt me. And all I have to do is wait, and not seem keen, or “needy” and blah blah. I think it just shows he doesn’t care.

I waited a week, and just had to txt him, cos it was killing me not nowing. I was very casual “hi “boy”, how r u? Happy 2013″ he then replied and said “he had been busy, and recovering from xmas break and hope all is good with me.” I replied and said “no one could ever say u dnt know how to party christmas guests? Fancy doing something this week? I went to that show at the o2 “……………..again nothing?

This waiting is killing me! I’m out with my freinds, doing all the “things that make u feel a women” that all the advice colums say, and……….its a load of crap! It just makes me think about it even more!

I just don’t know how in the space of 3days, after 4 dates, he could of lost interest? Its like he’s sayinmg the right things “hopefully we can catch up soon” but not doing anything to make it happen?………….think I just have to take the hint that
“Actions Speak Louder then Words”

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Hi, its all so ridiculous, this game of love stuff. Men throw themselves into a brand new relationship like a boy with a new toy, they immediately want you to be theirs, plan a life, this particular man has even, in the space of a month, decided, I’ll move in with him eventually cause we’re really made for each other…as soon as you start reciprocating, actually have sex with them…they do this crazy withdraw thing. They start it and we’re not allowed to reciprocate?? it’s crazy, it makes me insecure because I know they do this and so you hold back a little and feel terrified of the same pattern again…you reciprocate….and there it is…pattern repeating itself. it’s so hard to hold onto one’s control in such a situation when you’re being adored with such enthusiasm…only to find that once you give in (most likely too quickly), suddenly the sweet kissy sms stop and you’re doing the chasing. Is it really too late then or is withdrawing the only option. I always feel maybe the way to go is honesty but I reckon I agree…space…if it’s going to come together…space, let them do the chasing. My answer as soon as this thing happens, is to remove their phone no from my phone and NOT contact them again. Let them just do the contacting, I spose that is the only hope there is.

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Renee Wade Reply:
December 1st, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Hi Dawn, there is hope otherwise. It’s by understanding that men might do this, and learning how to deal with it early on so that you don’t fall in to any traps that leave you in a position you don’t want to be in.

First of all the problem may not be the man; the problem may be that you are desperately wanting his attention in the first place so you are also feeding the pattern.

It helps to give yourself the attention you crave; and to do things that build your own confidence daily so that these traps no longer are a problem for you. xoxox

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Hi Renee,

Was hoping you could help me. I started seeing this man almost 2 months ago. Everything was going well, he seemed to like me quite a bit, I was going out of my way to ensure I wasn’t pressuring him in any way and things were going well. He would mention things about the future (about us going places or doing things together, about telling people the story of how we met etc).

But a couple weeks ago we hung out and it was very nice, he sent me a nice response to my text when I got home that night and everything ended on a very positive note. Then I don’t hear from him for 5 days after that night. I texted him a couple times and he wouldn’t respond. It really hurt me because I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t speak to me. On the 5th day he texted me to say he had been sick and was very busy with work and he apologized. I told him (very politely, not mean) that I was sorry he was sick and that I understood he was busy, but completely ignoring my texts hurt my feelings and made me feel like he didn’t want to see me anymore. He said he was sorry for hurting me and that sometimes he’s busy and doesn’t want me to take it personally. Again, I told him I understand that he’s busy but was hoping that in the future he could just clue me in instead of blatantly ignoring my texts (in my attempt not to “bother” him, I’d send maybe one text every other day or two). He agreed and all seemed well again.

I haven’t heard from him since that conversation (been 10 days now). I don’t understand how he could be sorry for hurting me and then do the same exact thing to me again right away? I haven’t texted him in 5 days. What do I make of this? Do you think he will talk to me again? I am so confused. PLEASE help me understand this.

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Renico Reply:
December 5th, 2012 at 7:13 am

Honey,

He’s not that into you! How much more crystal clear can it be. Even when somebody is ill they can sent you sms from their bed or couch. And being busy is the lamest excuse ever.This talking about future is sometimes done to get you in to his bed. Obviously it didnt work with you and now he may already have another female victim.Thats why he most probably stopped bcontacting you. DONT TAKE IT PERSONAL. He’s just an ***. My advice: Put your high heels on and MOVE ON!!

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Rochelle Reply:
January 4th, 2013 at 2:26 pm

Hi Hurt and Confused,

Perhaps by now you’ve moved on and sorry it didn’t work out. I find the following effective:

In the future, while in the courtship phase, I think it’s best to let the man come to you 100% of the time (i.e. let him initiate phone and texting) unless he’s really consistent, then feel free to reach out every once in awhile. Also I believe in dating more than one guy before you’re exclusive with one instead of focusing on one man who isn’t truly committed to you. I get the sense you were only dating him.

Also next time in a scenario like this, although you weren’t being mean, chances are the words you chose translated as disrespectful and blame towards him and neediness from you. I’ve done this many times before and back then didn’t understand why the guy pulled away or disappeared totally. men are really sensitive to that beyond belief especially when it’s not a relationship yet. instead of saying something like he hurt your feelings try something like “it feels nice to hear from you and I’m sorry to hear you were sick but I really would have appreciated hearing back” Then see how much he takes your feelings into consideration and use that to decide whether or not you want to stick around. I’ve gotten a much more positive response from men expressing my feelings that way

Pretty much everything men do in courtship is to get us into bed and make us happy. lol Most of the time men do the future talking thing because they’re living in the moment. At the time they express how it would be nice to introduce you to his mom someday or go such and such place some day, move to Paris someday, etc, it seems to him like it would be a good idea at he time…but he isn’t thinking about it clearly. It is annoying! And the way to react to that is to just say “yes if things work out, it would feel nice to do that some day”. But don’t put too much weight on what guys say especially early on. Their actions are more significant

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hi renee me and my boyfriend have been having sex since september and hes been a great boyfriend over all ive known him for a year and weve been goin out 10months i love him and vise versa but all he seems to want now is sex sometimes i just wana lay with him and cuddle its like as soon as we decided to do it he dont wana just take a break i dont know what to do because since weve beat weve had less arguments but i need him to understand i dont want it ALL the time

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tchotchke Reply:
April 6th, 2013 at 9:22 am

I have the opposite problem. I want sex more than my boyfriend does: every day or at least every other day would suit me fine. He wants sex too, just not quite as often. When he’s not in the mood, he’s not in the mood and if I push it doesn’t go well. Women need to stop and think what it’s like for a man, needing, wanting sex, being denied. I understand it all too well.

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Imo, and I’m not mind or guy expert, but if this was before a year has transpired from your previous relationship and his, he may be wanting a rebound he can comfortably rely on for emotional support, sex and companionship. You guys broke up for a reason. I’d let him be and really think about what you NEED from him and express that when he finally contacts you (honestly if he’s not sleeping with anyone and just wants you, that’s a great indicator he really can’t get over you and wants to respect his feelings for you, as well as your feelings and show you he’s devoted to you, and you alone. So you might want to ask him if he’s playing the feild currently . Actions speak louder than words.)and if you’re fine just being friends, then make it work, but he has to respect what boundaries you want, otherwise guy and girl friendships just get weird. I never keep guy friends because they can never just treat me like a friend…it always goes to some weird sexual place where I have to remind them “I’m taken/not interested in you that way. But I do love you, just I don’t ever, EVER want anything romantic or sexual.” Of course your situations could have been diff. with guys.

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Okay, here is my delimma. There is this guy that I have known for many years, we’ve been friends and lovers in the past but both entered long relationships that didn’t work and now we’re both single again. He started contacting me a few months back and was very into I want a relationship with you, I want to date you, texting or calling almost everyday and then all of a sudden it stopped. I gave him a couple days then I would say hello…sometimes he would respond, sometimes not. But then he called and we went out everything went well but again, a week out and haven’t heard from him. I really do like this guy and we have such a history and such a connection. I’d hate to loose him but I don’t know if I continue to message from time to time or just back off completely or is he just not interested anymore…

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Absolutely wonderful article. I wish I would’ve had this information as a teenager. I’ve had a rather steamy email exchange with someone and thought we were moving towards the real deal when he suddenly disappeared. I feel his absence in a completely different way now that I’ve read this article and know he’ll be back once he gets his energy back. Thank you!

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Renee Wade Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Hey Marie, thanks for letting me know that my article impacted you. I appreciate this a lot, and all the best to you! – Renee. -XxX-

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Honestly you deserve more htan being some piece of arse. I’d just cut off ties completely and if he comes walking up to your door so to speak, then tell him flat out that you aren’t a doormat and this is what you expect if he wants to be in your life…period. I mean of course this depends on if your views on sex are the same as mine. I have the utmost respect for my body and have been used when I cared for a guy and he didn’t and just lied ot get in my pants. Ever since then I just don’t give any of myself to a man unless he can show me in actions he loves me and is as devoted to me as I am to him. I mean honestly if I can’t trust the man I’m with with my heart and not to betray my trust…there’s no point being with him in any way shape or form imo. So I say make demands, if he really wants you romantically he’ll bend his pride, or fear and stop being like this. If he doesn’t, at least you know you were only a hot piece of arse to him and you can move on easier . It’ll be painful, but what do you want? To be loved, respected and actually want this man to do things to show you how much he wants you for himself…or do you want him to just treat you like expendable waste?

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I have a situation where I have been in a relationship and been seeing this same man for 2 years on and off but nothing serious anymore thank god ,but its the same thing he is back and forth seeing me ? Then yet again all is ok he starts accusing me of things causes arguments then runs away once again leaving me confused as to why !?? Soo now reading this it makes sense but I never hold much hope of him returning as it is always on his terms ? He makes it quite clear he doesn’t want to be with me yet I can click my fingers and he comes running ? Be it sexual reasons but still does it !! Don’t get it !?

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Renee Wade Reply:
November 26th, 2012 at 12:31 am

Becky, if you are truly happy with it just being sexual; then have it this way. Be aware that you’ll crave something deeper, and then get attached to him. It is in your biology as a woman.

If you want a relationship that is passionate AND committed, then, don’t lie to yourself about that. It’s ok to want that.

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All I gotta say is, my beau and I are in a long distance things because of his deployment. We’ve never been disloyal to one another and he and I don’t have the same views on sex either. I’m a romantic and view it as a special thing you do with the person you love, he just sees it as sex. Even with this difference, he respects that I see disloyalty as a betrayal of trust and he would lose me for it but sometimes I gotta say, his testosterone does go low when we’re bonding emotionally. Since guys tend to bond more with their women with sex and we can’t have that right now, we bond with actions and words. After a while, maybe a month-to five months, HE’LL FREAK OUT! He talks about wanting kids with me, asking me to move in when he comes back, telling me when we’re old together he’ll hold my hand if I should die first…like we really talk about really emotional stuff. Then he’ll go flipadoo and say “I don’t know why you’re waiting, I don’t know when I’ll be back. I just want to be friends.” So I just tell him plainly “If you hurt me, and betray my trust, you will have no chance with me”. I gotta say I’m very scared of being hurt, and I told him this and after telling him this his lastest mood just did a 360. I think it’s stress at work and missing me and not being able to have the ‘us’ he wants now. But when I ignored him for two weeks, he accidently IMed me…he has all the control. He can walk away if he wants to. Really, actions DO SHOW how a man feels for you more so than his words. Because if a man wants to just be your friend and you tell him flat out it’s not gonna happen and tell him what he can do to drive you out of his life and he still doesn’t do it…. he wants you romantically. He doesn’t want to mess up anything. We’re both very loyal creatures, but he’s very insecure imo. because he wants to play these pull away games and throw threats to see if I’ll bounce. He always comes back. It’s scary, frustrating but honestly I’m miserable without him. I would be equally as miserable if he cheated on me too. But what matters is telling your man what you expect, if they do it, they love you but don’t force them by playing their game of testing. Just tell your feelings, they may not want to hear it, but if two weeks go by, and he hasn’t been sleeping around or dating, or whaver, he’s not going anywhere. He just got scared and needed space and didn’t know how to ask for it, or maybe didn’t know he needed it. Men will often say we’re crazy because we express our emotoins so loudly too. Men are completely irrational with expressing emotions through words with the exception of complimenting you and telling you I love you. Most arent’ comfortable saying “You mean so much to me, if you do this (insert action here) to hurt me, I’ll never be able to trust you again and will feel unloved and expendable and probably want to end it.” That’s what a woman will do. Men respect honesty, they don’t respect mind games. So don’t play a man, like a man. They will walk. If they test your loyalty, sure , be pissed, I am still mad at my bf and let him know, but he constantly logs back on asking if “i’m feelin gbetter and want to have moments of love and peace instead of b1tching”. So he’s here for a reason. All I can say is….express your feelings, then say, I just wanted you to know. Your actions effect me and your words hurt, but I love you as you are. Then just keep things like hearted for a few days, let him talk about ‘us’ stuff and when you feel he’s being open, then reciprocate. Reading this article really helped me map out my bf’s emotional rollercoasters. He doesn’t see his freak outs as arguements. He just sees them as ‘he needs space and I was being too emotional for him to handle’. I mean the dude is deployed. But he always comes back faithfully and he also knows what I deserve and won’t let me settle for less. Once you have a guy that knows what you deserve…he’ll treat you that way to the best of his ability. His moods may fluctuate, but be patient.

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Regarding 1)Leave him alone. Let him be. Don’t question him…
I’m doing long distance (he’s only 1.5 hours away from me, we meet 1-3 times a month and contact via text/phone), so if I let him be while he is withdrawn, does this mean I don’t contact him at all?? Absolutely no texts and calls? Can I send him a Hello/Goodnight/funny YouTube clip/funny pix (something he likes) every now and then if I am coming from a non-needy/desperate place? Please advise…

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Renee I had met a a Guy and I invited him to my House, He invited me to his House, But he has never asked me out on a date in this first month. I this normal? and we see each other once a week.

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Renee Wade Reply:
November 26th, 2012 at 12:29 am

Hi Cris…is it normal?

Well, what’s normal? What is ‘normal’ is different for everyone.

The right question is….do YOU like it this way? I guess that you don’t. If so, don’t settle for that; and encourage him to invite you out. You haven’t given much detail here so it’s hard for me to make further comments.

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If the men pull away and they are scared of their feelings, do they come back? I was dating a man in which we connected so well. Treated me wonderfully and he spoke of doing things which included me. He gave me a mini shopping spree for a bday gift.
He’s had 2 failed marriages. Both which were not his doing. He just pulled away. If he’s scared of his feelings, will he come back? The feelings we have for each other are strong.
Any advice?

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Renee Wade Reply:
November 7th, 2012 at 12:25 am

Hi Confused – firstly, I suggest you ask yourself whether he really is scared of his own feelings. He could just be trying to focus, and feel empty of connection from a female

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Theresa Reply:
May 19th, 2013 at 5:34 pm

I like to thank you for the enlightenment, I have receive, I will use this as a tool to help me in my next relationship.

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