Article updated 2020.
I was crying for an hour. I had assumed that enough years spent invested in my man would mean he’d automatically propose marriage. I had fantasies that he would propose on his own without me EVER mentioning marriage; because that would mean I was like, extra awesome.
I didn’t yet realise that there’s ways to get a man to commit that are genuine. I thought I should just go along in the relationship until he automatically proposed, in his own time. (Lol. I didn’t understand then, that men’s relationship timeline and women’s relationship timeline are vastly different).
So what was I to do? Well, I felt scared. I had to work this out on my own. Why hadn’t I thought about it earlier? I had assumed marriage would just come, because he loves me.
He had told me that despite no engagement or marriage, that “no man could be more committed to you than I am.”
See, when we are in a fearful state; women always wonder…what if? What if he leaves? What if he abandons us? Especially if I trust him completely and I even have his children…
We all have these fears.
I have always been in love with this man, which is one reason why it was easy to spend many years with him without engagement or marriage.
And I now understand that a man has to feel your need for commitment or marriage in a genuine way. They don’t always know that we want it. They don’t KNOW until they see and FEEL us wanting it. And this is not manipulative unless you are manipulative. It’s simply called adding value to his life. And adding the value that he perceives as value.
Fast forward and we’ve been married now for several years. And yet, speaking with many women from every corner of the world, having going through the commitment process myself with my husband, has taught me that “the relationship talk” backfires on a woman; unless she has added a lot of value first.
Adding value includes things like: establishing trust, creating moments and memories, vulnerability, creating Connection and Attraction.
Why “the talk” backfires on us and pushes men away
The “talk” about “where this relationship is going” is risky for a woman to try unless she’s thought carefully first.
If commitment was already there, and we felt his commitment, then the talk would happen less. So if we decide to use the commitment talk; what exactly do we risk?
We risk these TWO things:
- Taking value before he is ready to give it
- Trying to make an emotional process logical.
And commitment to a relationship – but especially true devotion from a man, is emotional. It’s not logical.
I’m always surprised when I hear women say that men commit to a relationship with you due to logic. They obviously haven’t researched this enough. NO. Men aren’t logical when they emotionally commit to you for life. It is purely emotional. In fact, women are the ones who are the more pragmatic ones when it comes to settling down and choosing a mate (said the anthropologist and researcher, Helen Fisher).
About risk number 2). Commitment; but especially devotional commitment that is real and not just because a man has no better option; is emotional for a man. And by default, men resist commitment unless/until he’s forced to commit due to obligation (which just feels awful for any human), or the woman is showing up as the right woman – the one and only kind of woman who is naturally amazing at alleviating his fears that it overrides his commitment resistance.
Whether a man feels compelled and excited to commit to you or not – that is mostly about the value of a woman. Is she generous at heart? Is she emotionally generous? Or does she just try to ‘take’. Emotionally take, that is.
Sometimes we want commitment when we aren’t wanting to show vulnerability or make a real investment in a man. And investment would mean being fully vulnerable to our man. It wouldn’t mean rotational dating or engaging in ridiculous dating rules like the 80/20 rule of contacting a man.
You know….men have fears too. So many of us are far too resentful about men to ever want to acknowledge, appreciate and understand this. Our years of pent up anger and hurt render us literally incapable of holding space for men’s fear and feelings.
And as a woman it’s all too easy to expect things of a nature that we don’t realise are actually taking a lot of value from a man. Like talking about emotions all day long, for example. Sitting and talking about emotions, etc, don’t generally add a lot of value to a man unless we’ve already added a lot of value first, or unless he’s in love with you.
Are you dating a commitment friendly man? Take the quiz here.
And men try to take from us, too. Some men assume that by existing; they are entitled to certain things from a woman. They want things in return too fast (like sex) – without realising that they were never attuned to the woman’s feelings in the first place. Sometimes, men think a woman likes them, even though he was just a ‘mean time’ man for her.
We all get stuck in these situations because we’re not present enough with our day to day moments. We have to be present – otherwise we end up having the ‘where is this relationship going?’ talk, and try to ‘get’ a commitment through talking and convincing, when you can never convince/talk a man into falling in love with you or devoting himself to you.
You just can’t.
But there’s more to it.
The reason why “the talk” doesn’t work is mainly because of the factors that motivate us to actually have the talk in the first place.
(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)
What are the things that make us have the talk?
Why are we motivated to sit down and have the “where is this relationship going” talk? Three main reasons (we aren’t all motivated by all of these reasons at the same time)…
- We feel we’ve spent long enough committed to him that inside of our feminine way of seeing the world, we feel that we deserve his commitment in return. This may be true; we may have spent more than long enough committed to a man that we technically deserve his lifelong commitment – however, what if the problem isn’t that he doesn’t want to commit, it’s that we were always the ‘one of many’ woman in his life form the start?
You see, unless you’re the one and ONLY woman to him – he will just give you barely enough just to keep you around. That’s what happens when you are placed in the ‘one of many’ woman basket.So, no matter how entitled we feel to a commitment, in this situation, the only way we will get it is through force or through appealing to his obligations in life. Not because we are his one and only. (If you haven’t got my program “Becoming His One and Only: 5 Secrets to Have Any Man Fall in Love With You & BEG You to be His one & Only, go here: www.bhoodvd.com.)
- Second reason we are motivated to have “the talk”: we have bottled up needs and emotions from past moments in the relationship that we pushed down to be “nice”, or because we were trying to present our best selves, in the hope that he would like us and commit more.That’s potentially a lot of unexpressed emotion that you haven’t had the privilege of expressing to him (and finding out whether he’s willing to be there for you).That’s also a lot of unexpressed emotion that HE hasn’t seen and therefore had the privilege of deciding whether he will be present for you.And that unexpressed emotion always, always comes back out, usually in ways that strip value from ourselves and others (like having the talk!). Biologically you can’t block out emotions.
- We are and have been un-attuned to ourselves and to him. So we don’t actually know how he feels inside, and how things are from his perspective. Which we would know if we put ourselves in his body or were present in the moment with him regularly.Though we usually have no ‘bad’ intent by having”the talk”, sometimes it does comes out of the blue from a man’s perspective and from his relationship timeline, and it stems from a past of non attunement to our partner.
Instead of being present (because we’ve had past trauma that leads us to not want to do this); we approach the relationship in ways that don’t include him and create far more distance than connection.
We stay in our own world of emotional safety and instant gratification. This is problematic because it doesn’t allow us to assess the situation properly, and it doesn’t allow us to see, hear and feel him and where he is truly at.
Often, a man hasn’t been ready to commit to us for a very long time – and won’t be for a while, but we ignore it, hoping to take value from him (keep him around) and be sexy and good enough that it will ‘make’ him commit. Again, this is about ourselves, not about the relationship and not about understanding him. It’s kind of like just being in our own little world, unaware of where h’s at!
Would you want to have crazy un-abandoned sex with a man because he said it’s time you guys did so?
For you to have that kind of sex; and to trust him with your total bodily openness that men generally want; you have to feel ready. He can’t just ‘talk’ you into it. That makes you do it out of obligation.
And though doing things out of obligation can make you feel accomplished and worthy, it’s never from a place of emotional freedom.
Sitting down and having a “talk” about where the relationship is going takes value
Now, I know that some women are going to feel like I’m putting all of the responsibility on the woman’s shoulder for driving the relationship.
It may feel that way to you, and I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way. However, what’s the alternative to taking responsibility for your relationship? Blame him and try to make him take more responsibility by verbally stating that he should take the responsibility (before the relationship has even escalated to that point)? Thereby wasting MORE of your own precious time?
Or would the better alternative be to try something new, take responsibility for adding value first, so that you get to find out faster if you should walk away, or stay?
That’s up to you. I don’t suggest you to ‘add value’ first so that you can tire yourself out – I suggest it because it’s actually the smartest way to figure things out, protect yourself and get to know who a man really is.
You see, sitting down and having a “talk” about where the relationship is going absolutely takes value from a man.
UNLESS – we’ve already proven we are the right woman, and we’ve added a lot of value to his life – THEN he can handle the talk a lot better, because he won’t be feeling a if it’s out of the blue, or feel unsafe or fearful; and he may not be incredulous which men can be when women try to ‘expect’ commitment where the relationship hasn’t escalated to that point.
Now, of course, there are low value, toxic men who blame women for everything and who take zero responsibility for their role in your life. I understand that. However, those relationships were usually never good to begin with (minus a short period of simple excitement in the initial 3 months, that completely wears off and never comes back again).
Let’s figure out why the commitment ‘talk’ can actually backfire on you.
I am about to generalise. But it’s important to kickstart our understanding.
Women fear abandonment from men. We fear men abandoning us – mainly emotionally, but we also fear him having sex with other women which is a type of abandonment.
We want to keep a man closely tied to us; and we want his resources spent on us. We’re gold diggers, sure, that’s ONE part of us as female humans. On some level we all are gold diggers, but on another level, we’re simply feminine souls who desire and require a lot of emotional attachment and emotional commitment from one man. Because if women weren’t like this – we’d be doing a bad thing for the future of the species.
Just think – most of a woman’s calories actually go toward maintaining her reproductive system. Her ovulation, her menstruation – and all the subtle differences in female behaviour during her cycle.
To carry a pregnancy and to have a baby and raise it is a task that requires more calories than you can fathom. Our bodies come equipped with this intelligence that surfaces in our behaviour – whether we want kids or not.
There are women who never want children and they still fear abandonment and try to get a man to commit! True?
But get this – for a man who is high value, resourceful and successful; to maintain you maintaining the pregnancy and accessing the calories for bearing and raising the kids – is even more calories spent than you. If he emotionally commits, everything else has to come second, and most or all of his caloric energy will go towards providing.
So, if you ever wonder why men have commitment resistance, this is one major reason: they take commitment seriously. It HAS to be to the right woman. And the right woman is never the woman who takes far more value than she ever adds. (The same is true for women right: what woman wants a leech of a man?)
Our fear of abandonment leads us to having the talk
Our fear of abandonment leads us to having the talk. Sure, there’s other reasons we ask “where is this relationship going”. Like, oh, because we’ve invested so much time and energy in a man already; and we rightfully want to know if he is willing or open to returning our commitment to him in the form of his commitment.
Really – a lot of this should be certain from quite early on in a relationship. Here are 10 Signs of A Commitment Phobic Man.
If a woman is attuned to a man and he is attuned to her, then ideally, she should have been able to feel whether he was interested in committing to her long-term perhaps a few months into the relationship.
Unfortunately, a lot of women don’t know. It’s not easy to know. And it’s never your fault for not knowing. All we can do in this life is learn as we go; and try to do better. That’s all that matters.
When we didn’t check in with ourselves to feel whether he was committed or not, a woman can end up having to get ugly and push a man for a commitment, because:
She wasn’t aware of where HE is at, and she wasn’t giving him moment by moment feedback for his actions; and she held back her responsiveness out of a lack of trust for him, or out of fear; or
She forced a relationship with a man who was never interested in committing his resources to her in the first place, because she was his ‘one of many’. Sometimes we sit in denial and ‘hope’ that man will eventually commit and that we’ll be the one he’ll finally settle down for.
A very normal and innocent mistake!! Yet it’s a massive waste of time and it gives away sexual and emotional resources to the wrong man. But that’s okay…it’s just how it works sometimes.
About number 1 again). Remember, commitment is gradual. There are no short-cuts like leaning back or rotational dating to try to manufacture a scenario where he will be inspired to ask for exclusivity (when perhaps you never cared to showcase your intrinsic value in the first place).
Your high value vulnerability and mutual responsiveness between yourself and a man inspires that gradual commitment. Your responsiveness and mutual hyper-attunement to each other escalates his investment in you. Without hyper attunement or mutual responsiveness between you both… all you have is an empty relationship going nowhere.
So, rather than taking short-cuts, or following silly rules, firstly appreciate the value of attunement in your relationship with a man from the start.
You can also learn how to fast track his investment in you right here.
Commitment never arises from “the talk” – true commitment is a gradual deepening of a man’s investment in you
A man’s increasing commitment is built moment by moment.
And most of us have learned to basically shun a man’s commitment.
In fact, I’ll say it again. Most of us have learned to shun a man’s commitment. Translation: we have learned to avoid giving our responsiveness because responsiveness makes us vulnerable.
Unfortunately, it is our vulnerability that ultimately invites or un-invites his commitment. In fact, if you’d like to learn more about the one specific emotional trigger within every single man in this world that inspires him to WANT to commit to ONE woman, take care of her and ONLY her, then I have something for you right here.
Men commit more when we’re vulnerable – OR they don’t. What that means is – your vulnerability shows you his intent.
However, “controlling” your emotions is the very last thing that would make her high value for a committed relationship, because even though you should never use your emotions to abuse a man – it IS the moment by moment vulnerable feeling that makes us real, and trustworthy.
If a woman holds everything in – she signals that she is fake. Not to mention – there’s literally nothing to commit to, because it seems to a man like he is not needed. And he will go elsewhere to be needed!
If you want to understand the distinction between being actually vulnerable and being needy, check out my article on How to be Vulnerable Without Being NEEDY.
Men need a reason to commit.
Men need a reason to commit.
Just like the saying “Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.”
We need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
That “reason” to have sex is not a logical reason. I don’t mean to say that you have to give him a reason to commit. That “reason” to commit is who you are, and how high value you show up.
Generally, men and women are inherently motivated by different things in relationships.
We are all unique, sure, but remember, I am generalising for the sake of understanding.
There are many people in the world who have become so resentful that they have turned to calling themselves ’empowered’ because they don’t want the difficulty of this.
Women demand that men should meet their standards.
And, understandably so. We want fairness and equality because life is inherently unfair and unequal. Especially when it comes to finding a mate.
So, we have a few bad experiences with men who don’t commit to us or treat us badly, and the pain gets too much, and emotions stack up – one upon the other until it turns in to resentment and we try to take what we can from a world that owes us absolutely nothing.
instead of calling that resentment and hurt for what it is (resentment and hurt), we turn into entitled creatures who demand that men be the givers in relationships and call ourselves strong and empowered.
We say: “men should put effort into the relationship too!”
Well, yeah, I agree that they should. But if we aren’t the right woman for him, then why SHOULD he? If we were the one of many from the start, then what motivation would he have to commit more emotionally? The only motivator would be obligation, and that’s never what we want as women. Women never want a man to commit to her out of obligation (it never feels right inside) unless she feels very desperate and it is her very last opportunity to get a commitment and perhaps start a family.
See, it’s not that men simply decide not to commit one day. It’s that if there isn’t enough inspiration to do so from the beginning – he won’t.
It’s no different than men saying: “WOMEN should initiate sex and be all over ME wanting to grind and suck my dick all the time; just like I feel so randy towards her.”
If a man isn’t showing up with value, then why on earth is he entitled to sex? Just because?
Actually, why is he even entitled to a woman being open to having sex with him, and wanting to consume him with total lust and wantonness?
You know ‘dick pics’? You’ve seen women posting on social media about how unacceptable ‘dick pics’ are; haven’t you?
Well, women generally aren’t turned on by them. I don’t want to make it wrong if someone here IS turned on by them; because sure, in a small number of cases, like if a man is super high value and she is in love with a man, then a dick pic might actually turn her on…but mostly, it is low value behaviour unless the attraction and connection is already established.
So, here’s the good news: it’s not that hard to inspire men to commit. At all.
It’s not hard to inspire men to commit
Once we’ve accepted that men devote themselves when they are inspired to rather than obligated to, we can be free to move on to the next part.
I will admit that it is not easy to admit that men commit when they are inspired to. Because we only have so much time in this life; we don’t have forever as women!
But it’s okay to be angry about this. It’s okay to be angry about him, about her, about this jerk or that jerk. it’s good to get angry, because when that’s over and done with, we can finally move on and add value to the right man, rather than be so emotionally guarded from love and show up low value for the commitment-minded men.
We have to realise that for a man to be inspired to a commitment, means he is committing to a relationship, and if a woman is not real, then what value can there be for him to commit to?
A woman either invites further connection and invites a man to come in deeper through her own realness and aliveness, OR she tolerates a man being at arm’s length until something shifts in either one of them.
The rule of relationship, true relationship, is vulnerability. It’s being real. Because this sense of realness or vulnerability is special and it is required for a genuine connection to develop.
You just can’t get around this.
And by the way – marriage is not commitment. Marriage is marriage.
A man could actually never marry a woman and still be totally devoted to her.
I know it’s hard to accept this. But it’s true. A man’s level of commitment doesn’t have to be shown through marriage; although marriage is a lovely outward sign. It is also a lovely feeling for a woman.
Some married men are the least committed. Why? You would know the answer by now, because you’ve read up to this point (I hope) – because these men committed out of obligation rather than having fallen in love and found their one and only.
What is responsiveness anyway?
What is responsiveness?
Well, here’s the thing. Responsiveness is actually a form of value. And when you give this value, it ups your value as a mating partner.
Let’s say you wanted help with taking your bed apart at home. You ask a man for his help. Most women are polite enough and say a ‘thank you’ after he’s helped.
Some women, the ones with the least value to offer, avoid eye contact, and don’t say anything at all in return for his help.
A higher value woman would give him ultimate generous feedback for his help – with a resounding ‘thanks so much!’
And what’s even better?
Saying something like…”oh my gosh, how awesome is the result of you taking apart the bed? I love [insert current state of the bed/room here] how it is now!”
This is emotional generosity – something not born of fear.
Responsiveness is about not hiding yourself in order to hoard future attention, certainty and resources. That’s what women do. They withhold responsiveness to try to secure and prolong a man’s attention on them.
There’s no need! You have all the attention and love in the world.
What if a man really doesn’t want to put work into the relationship? I don’t want to have to do all the work!
You don’t want to have to do all the work, I know. Nobody does. Ideally, we’d be surrounded by inspiring men who want to take the first step and inspire us out of our poor-woman mentality and into a generous mentality. Right?
No way. Because then we’d never get the growth that comes from being generous.
We can’t hide away from adversity forever.
And always remember, relationship is the domain of the feminine. Most men don’t grow up so heavily focused on romance and relationships, and with discussing it for hours with friends…it’s not in their masculine interest to do so. At least it doesn’t feel to them like it is!
If you want the truth as to why men don’t put more “effort” into the relationship, I have an answer for you here: Why Men Don’t Put More Effort Into The Relationship?
So the question is…
What if a man doesn’t want to care about the relationship?
Well, you’ll learn if he truly doesn’t by being generous first.
Generosity is a better way to find out about him than resenting. Emotional generosity inspires. Resentment repels.
Go first. Be responsive. Share yourself. You don’t have to be a pleaser – you just have to check in with yourself to see if you are holding back yourself, or your gifts out of fear.
If you’re generous and persistent and courageous, you’ll see in time if a man really is uninterested in the relationship; if he really set on choosing lazy.
And by then, you would have built up so much high value within yourself that you’ll have the guts to leave; because you’ll just know, that with the value you have to offer, you have all the options in the world.
So, go for it.
And, before you leave, here are the things to check before you “have the commitment talk”!
Before you ask for commitment, check these 7 things…
- Does HE (not you) – does HE trust you not to give your energy and openness to other men?
- Do YOU trust him? If you don’t trust him, then asking for his commitment is ridiculous; because he needs to feel your trust in order to trust you. And I’m not referring to trusting him not to cheat on you. I mean does he trust you to stay open to him and not go put your eggs in some other man’s basket? Or even use food instead of having a relationship with him?
- Have you ever felt his devotion or commitment? If yes, then you need to consider whether he may just not be ready to go the full engagement and marriage; and when the time is right; he will. If you’ve never felt his devotion or commitment in any moment in the past; then what is it that you’re really looking for? Why do you want a commitment with him? This could be a troublesome sign that you will get yourself in to a bad situation in this relationship; and possibly in future relationships too. Why do you want to force it from him if he was never committed in any other moment?
- Does he truly care about you; and do you feel that he truly cares about you?
- Does he have baggage from the past, from being with women who just took him for everything he has? If he does, then you may have a higher level of commitment resistance to work with and get over before asking for commitment.
- Do you give first? Do you truly know what he needs, or are you zoned in to your own wants; and insensitive to his?
- Do you guys have Attraction and Connection (the two things that make a relationship amazing) at least a level 7 out of 10 between you? That’s 7 out of 10 minimum. If not, then establishing a connection and trust and attraction makes much more sense before asking for commitment.
Never forget, if you want to be the woman men easily commit to, we have a very special place where we walk you through everything you need to know to get there. We’ll take good care of you in our member’s area.
P.S. Connect with me on social media
Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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