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Article updated 2018
I was crying for an hour. I had assumed that enough years spent invested in my man would mean he’d automatically propose marriage. I had fantasies that he would propose on his own without me EVER mentioning marriage; because that would mean I was like, extra awesome.
I didn’t realise that there’s ways to get a man to commit that are genuine. I thought I should just go along in the relationship until he automatically proposed.
So what was I to do? Well, I felt scared. I had to work this out on my own. Why hadn’t I thought about it earlier? I had assumed marriage would just come.
He had told me that despite no engagement or marriage, that “no man could be more committed to you than I am.”
When we are in a fearful state; women always wonder…what if? What if he leaves? What if he abandons us? Especially if I trust him completely and I even have his children…
We all have these fears.
I have always been in love with this man, which is one reason why it was easy to spend many years with him without engagement or marriage.
And I now understand that a man has to feel your need for commitment or marriage in a genuine way. They don’t always know that we want it. Until they see, and feel us wanting it. And this is not manipulative unless you are manipulative. It’s simply called adding value to his life. And adding the value that he perceives as value.
We’ve been married now for several years. And yet, speaking with many women from every corner of the world, and going through the commitment process myself with my husband, has taught me that “the relationship talk” backfires on a woman; unless she has added a lot of value first.
Adding value includes things like: establishing trust, creating moments and memories, vulnerability, creating Connection and Attraction.
Why “the talk” backfires on us and pushes men away
The “talk” about “where this relationship is going” is risky for a woman to try unless she’s thought carefully first.
If commitment was already there, and we felt his commitment, then the talk would happen less. So if we decide to use the commitment talk; what exactly do we risk?
We risk these TWO things:
- Taking value before he is ready to give it
- Trying to make an emotional process logical.
And commitment to a relationship – but especially true devotion from a man, is emotional. It’s not logical.
About number 2). Commitment; but especially devotional commitment that is real and not just because he has no better option; is emotional for a man. And by default, men resist commitment unless/until he’s forced to commit or the woman is so amazing at alleviating his fears that it overrides his commitment resistance.
Whether a man feels compelled and excited to commit to you or not – that is mostly about the value of a woman. Is she generous at heart? Is she emotionally generous? Or does she just try to ‘take’. Emotionally take, that is.
Sometimes we want commitment when we aren’t wanting to show vulnerability or make a real investment in a man. And investment would mean being fully vulnerable to our man.
You know….men have fears too. And as a woman it’s all too easy to expect things of a nature that we don’t realise are actually taking a lot of value from a man. Like talking, for example. Sitting and talking about emotions, etc, don’t generally add a lot of value to a man unless we’ve already added a lot of value first, or unless he’s in love.
Are you dating a commitment friendly man? Take the quiz here.
And men try to take from us, too. Some men assume that by existing; they are entitled to certain things from a woman. They want things in return too fast (like sex) – without realising that they were never attuned to the woman’s feelings in the first place. Sometimes, men think a woman likes them, even though he was just a ‘mean time’ man for her.
We all get stuck in these situations because we’re not present enough with our day to day moments. We have to be present – otherwise we end up having the ‘where is this relationship going?’ talk, and try to ‘get’ a commitment through talk, when you can never convince/talk a man into falling in love with you or devoting himself to you.
You just can’t.
But there’s more to it.
The reason why “the talk” doesn’t work is mainly because of the factors that motivate us to actually have the talk in the first place.
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What are the things that make us have the talk?
Why are we motivated to sit down and have the “where is this relationship going” talk? Three main reasons (we aren’t all motivated by all of these reasons at the same time)…
- We feel we’ve spent long enough committed to him that we deserve his commitment in return. This is a kind of entitlement mentality.
- We have bottled up emotions from past moments in the relationship that we pushed down to be “nice”, or because we were trying to present our best selves, in the hope that he would like us and commit more. That’s potentially a lot of unexpressed emotion that he hasn’t had the privilege of deciding whether he will be present for you. And that unexpressed emotion always, always comes back out, usually in ways that strip value from ourselves and others (like having the talk!). Biologically you can’t block out emotions.
- We are and have been un-attuned to ourselves and to him. So we don’t actually know how he feels inside, and how things are from his perspective. Which we would know if we put ourselves in his body or were present in the moment with him regularly. The talk often comes from a past of non attunement to our partner.
Instead of being present (because we’ve had past trauma that leads us to not want to do this); we approach the relationship in ways that don’t include him. We stay in our own world of emotional safety and instant gratification. This is problematic because it doesn’t allow us to assess the situation properly, and it doesn’t allow us to see, hear and feel him and where he is truly at.
Often, a man hasn’t been ready to commit to us for a very long time – and won’t be for a while, but we ignore it, hoping to take value from him (keep him around) and be sexy and good enough that it will ‘make’ him commit. Again, this is about ourselves, not about the relationship – a prime way to destroy any trust and genuine connection in the relationship.
Would you want to have crazy unabandoned sex with a man because he said it’s time you guys did? No, right?
For you to have that kind of sex; and to trust him with your total bodily openness that men generally want; you have to feel ready. He can’t just ‘talk’ you into it. That makes you do it out of obligation.
Sitting down and having a “talk” about where the relationship is going takes value
Sitting down and having a “talk” about where the relationship is going absolutely takes value.
Unless we’ve already added a lot of value to his life – then he can handle the talk a lot better, because he won’t be feeling unsafe or fearful; and he may not be incredulous which men can be when women try to ‘expect’ commitment where the relationship hasn’t escalated to that point.
Let’s figure out why.
I am about to generalise. But it’s important for our understanding.
Women fear abandonment from men. We fear men abandoning us – mainly emotionally, but we also fear him having sex with other women which is a type of abandonment.
We want to keep a man closely tied to us; and we want his resources spent on us. We’re gold diggers, sure. On some level we all are. But we better be. Because if women weren’t gold diggers, and men weren’t wanting sex – we’d be doing a bad thing for the future of the species.
Just think – most of a woman’s calories actually go toward maintaining her reproductive system. Her ovulation, her menstruation – and all the subtle differences in female behaviour during her cycle.
To carry a pregnancy and to have a baby and raise it is a task that requires more calories than you can fathom. Our bodies come equipped with this intelligence that surfaces in our behaviour. Whether we want kids or not.
There are women who never want children and they still fear abandonment and try to get a man to commit! True?
But get this – for a man who is high value and resourceful and successful; to maintain you maintaining the calories and raising the kids – if he gives you and the offspring his resources in the form of emotional commitment and money; is even more calories spent than you.
So if a man is going to commit completely (with devotion) and a high value woman is going to have his babies – we better be gold diggers and a man better be looking to secure her sexual openness to him and him only. Or else, we’d be risking our lives on each other. A man would risk his everything he has, and a woman would risk her life.
But remember, being a gold digger or a sex digger isn’t a bad thing – it’s just the most basic driving factors of a human, and luckily, a lot of us don’t live in that place.
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Our fear of abandonment leads us to having the talk
Our fear of abandonment leads us to having the talk. Sure, there’s other reasons we ask “where is this relationship going”. Like, oh, because we’ve invested so much time and energy in a man already; and we rightfully want to know if he is willing or open to returning our commitment to him in the form of his commitment.
Really – a lot of this should be certain from quite early on in a relationship.
If a woman is attuned to a man and he is attuned to her, then ideally, she should have been able to feel whether he was interested in committing to her long-term perhaps a few months into the relationship.
Unfortunately, a lot of women don’t know. It’s not easy to know. And it’s never your fault for not knowing. All we can do in this life is learn as we go; and try to do better. That’s all that matters.
When we didn’t check in with ourselves to feel whether he was committed or not, we can end up having to get ugly and push a man for a commitment, because:
She wasn’t giving him moment by moment feedback for his actions; and she held back her responsiveness out of a lack of trust for him, or out of fear; or
She forced a relationship with a man who was never interested in committing his resources to her in the first place, because she was his ‘one of many’. Sometimes we sit in denial and ‘hope’ that man will eventually commit and that we’ll be the one he’ll finally settle down for. We’ve all done this!! It’s a massive waste of time and it gives away sexual and emotional resources to the wrong man. But that’s okay…it’s just how it works sometimes.
About number 1). Remember, commitment is gradual. Your responsiveness inspires that gradual commitment. And your responsiveness escalates his investment in you. Without responsiveness…there’s an empty relationship where there could otherwise be a well full of emotional attraction and trust.
Learn how to fast track his investment in you right here.
Commitment never arises from “the talk” – true commitment is a gradual deepening of a man’s investment in you
A man’s commitment is moment by moment.
And most of us have learned to basically shun a man’s commitment. Read that again.
In fact, I’ll say it again. Most of us have learned to shun a man’s commitment. Translation: we have learned to avoid giving our responsiveness because responsiveness makes us vulnerable.
Unfortunately, it is our vulnerability that ultimately invites or un-invites his commitment. Men commit when we’re vulnerable or they don’t. What that means is – your moment by moment vulnerable responsiveness to him in the relationship will give you and him all the opportunity needed to assess each other’s worthiness of your commitment to one another.
Sometimes, men are oblivious to the fact that a woman doesn’t really like him and isn’t really committed to him or wanting to have sex with him.
And it’s also true that sometimes, women ignore the signs that a man isn’t willing to commit to her, and try to “get” him to commit by using low value strategies like “the talk”.
Does the talk always push a man away?
Does “the talk” or asking where this relationship is going always push a man away?
Some women have added more than enough value that asking a man where the relationship is going, or suggesting that they step up the commitment level, is not taking much at all.
That value, to put it simply, is Attraction and Connection. We teach you about this in depth here.
But I don’t believe it’s the rule that women who have the talk have added enough value; because if we need to have the talk and push for his commitment, often it’s because:
We haven’t realised that he needs to feel US needing his commitment to feel inspired to commit; or
We haven’t showed up moment by moment as vulnerable, alive, and responsive – which is the type of woman that men commit to. And then we expect a commitment? A bit strange, don’t you think? This doesn’t mean you are to blame. This just means that life is hard and life sucks sometimes. And it does for everyone. But the reason you should care about this is because we really have no choice in life other than to take responsibility for our own actions. We have NO control over a man. We can only take responsibility, be courageous and stand up and say “i’ll go first”, and be responsive. You cannot throw responsibility to a man and expect your life to be great. You cannot expect him to commit just out of obligation, because you think he should after all this time. I wish it were so simple. But it isn’t.
Men need a reason to commit.
Men need a reason to commit.
Just like the saying “Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.”
We need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
That “reason” is not a logical reason. I don’t mean to say that you have to give him a reason to commit. That “reason” to commit is who you are, and how you show up – for example, your sexiness, your nurturing nature and your softness.
Generally, men and women are inherently motivated by different things in relationships.
We are all unique, sure, but remember, I am generalising for the sake of understanding.
There are many people in the world who have turned to calling themselves a feminist because they don’t want the difficulty of this. And, understandably so. We want fairness and equality because life is inherently unfair and unequal. Especially when it comes to finding a mate.
So, we have a few bad experiences with men who don’t commit to us or treat us badly, and the pain gets too much, and emotions stack up one upon the other until it turns in to resentment and we try to take what we can from a world that owes us absolutely nothing. This is what I think is the mask of being a feminist. Many people are really a feminist, but some of us just use it to justify past anger that we didn’t express or feel fully.
We say: “men should put effort into the relationship too!”
Well, yeah, they should. But if we haven’t added enough value, then why SHOULD he? It’s not that he decides not to. It’s that if there isn’t enough inspiration to do so – he won’t!
It’s no different than men saying: “WOMEN should initiate sex and be all over ME wanting to grind and suck my dick all the time; like I am towards her.”
Some men actually believe that women try to pretend they don’t want sex. Well, not really. We just didn’t want it at that moment, and maybe not with you.
If a man aint showing up as high value (which would be showing up as whatever is needed in the present moment), then why on earth is he entitled to sex? Just because? Actually, why is he entitled to a woman being open to having sex with him, and wanting to consume him with total lust and wantonness?
You know ‘dick pics’? You’ve seen women posting on social media about how unacceptable ‘dick pics’ are; haven’t you?
Well, women generally aren’t turned on by them. I don’t want to make it wrong if someone here IS turned on by them; because sure, in a small number of cases, like if a man is super high value and she is in love with a man, then a dick pic might actually turn her on…but mostly, it is low value behaviour unless the Attraction and Connection is already established.
This is true also: men aren’t inspired to commit through some constrained and organised “talk” about where the relationship is going. It takes value from the relationship bank.
It’s the same with wanting the great value that is a man’s total devotion/commitment. It’s about the woman asking for it. It’s about her; and how she shows up.
So, here’s the good news: it’s not that hard to inspire men to commit. At all.
It’s not hard to inspire men to commit
Once we’ve accepted that men devote themselves when they are inspired to, we can be free to move on to the next part.
I will admit that it is not easy to admit that men commit when they are inspired to. Because we only have so much time in this life; we don’t have forever!
But it’s okay to be angry about this. It’s okay to be angry about him, about her, about that jerk, and about that bitch….anyone from our past. It’s okay.
The problem isn’t that we aren’t good enough.
I swear, the problem is that we have past anger, we have past fears, and sadness and hurt and ecstasy and sexiness that we’ve habitually made wrong to be seen by the people we’re intimate with.
That’s why people complain and moan. It’s because of unexpressed emotion from past moments. Otherwise, we would be free to live as is, right now, and let what anger comes up be expressed until it’s gone, and then we move on.
We can’t do it anymore. When is everyone going to wake up?
We have to realise that for a man to be inspired to a commitment, means he is committing to a relationship, and if a woman is not open, responsive and sexy, then what relationship can there be?
A woman either invites further connection and invites a man to come in deeper through her own aliveness, OR she tolerates a man being at arm’s length; and she tolerates a man being unhelpful and lazy, until something shifts in either one of them.
The rule of relationship, true relationship, is vulnerability. Because vulnerability is required for a genuine connection.
You just can’t get around this.
And by the way – marriage is not commitment. Marriage is marriage.
A man could never marry a woman and be totally devoted to her. I know it’s hard to accept this. But it’s true. A man’s level of commitment doesn’t have to be shown through marriage; although marriage is a lovely outward sign. It is also a lovely feeling for a woman; because this society has kind of taught us that without marriage, we’re missing out; so it’s kind of ingrained into us.
After all, if we all decided not to marry – then where would all the income for dressmakers go? Where would the income for wedding planners go? Where would income for cake makers and invite makers and shoe makers go? The companies of the world rely on women feeling like they are missing out if they don’t get a beautiful wedding.
I admire you if you are that woman who is courageous enough and loving enough to sacrifice her needs and love a man anyway, despite the lack of marriage; the external “flashy” sign of commitment – which doesn’t always equate to a woman actually having a man’s devotion.
What is responsiveness anyway?
What is responsiveness?
Well, here’s the thing. Responsiveness is actually a form of value. And when you give this value, it ups your value as a mating partner.
Let’s say you wanted help with taking your bed apart at home. You ask a man for his help. Most women are polite enough and say a ‘thank you’ after he’s helped.
Some women, the ones with the least value to offer, avoid eye contact, and don’t say anything at all in return for his help.
A higher value woman would give him ultimate generous feedback for his help – with a resounding ‘thanks so much!’
And what’s even better?
Saying something like…”oh my gosh, how awesome is the result of you taking apart the bed? I love [insert current state of the bed/room here] how it is now!”
This is emotional generosity – something not born of fear.
Responsiveness is about not hiding yourself in order to hoard future attention and certainty and resources. That’s what women do. They withhold responsiveness to try to secure and prolong a man’s attention on them.
There’s no need! You have all the attention and love in the world.
What if a man really doesn’t want to put work into the relationship? I don’t want to have to do all the work!
You don’t want to have to do all the work, I know. Nobody does. Ideally, we’d be surrounded by inspiring men who want to take the first step and inspire us out of our poor-woman mentality and into a generous mentality. Right?
No way. Because then we’d never get the growth that comes from being generous.
We can’t hide away from adversity forever.
What if a man doesn’t want to care about the relationship?
Well, you’ll learn if he truly doesn’t by being generous first.
Generosity is a better way to find out about him than complaining.
But most complaining women and men do that because they’re just not unhappy enough to leave their relationship. They complain, but they’re getting enough value from their partner that they’ll suck it up (the bad stuff).
Comfort. It’s comfort that keeps people willing to put up with less.
Go first. Be responsive. Share yourself. You don’t have to be a pleaser – you just have to check in with yourself to see if you are holding back yourself, or your gifts out of fear.
If you’re generous and persistent and courageous, you’ll see in time if a man really is uninterested in the relationship; if he really set on choosing lazy.
And by then, you would have built up so much high value within yourself that you’ll have the guts to leave; because you’ll just know, that with the value you have to offer, you have all the options in the world.
So, go for it.
And, before you leave, here are the things to check before you ask for a commitment! For your own sanity too – even if you do really want a committed relationship.
Before you ask for commitment, check these 7 things…
- Does HE (not you) – does HE trust you not to give your energy and openness to other men?
- Do YOU trust him? If you don’t trust him, then asking for his commitment is ridiculous; because he needs to feel your trust in order to trust you. And I’m not referring to trusting him not to cheat on you. I mean does he trust you to stay open to him and not go put your eggs in some other man’s basket? Or even use food instead of having a relationship with him?
- Have you ever felt his devotion or commitment? If yes, then you need to consider whether he may just not be ready to go the full engagement and marriage; and when the time is right; he will. If you’ve never felt his devotion or commitment in any moment in the past; then what is it that you’re really looking for? Why do you want a commitment with him? This could be a troublesome sign that you will get yourself in to a bad situation in this relationship; and possibly in future relationships too. Why do you want to force it from him if he was never committed in any other moment?
- Does he truly care about you; and do you feel that he truly cares about you?
- Does he have baggage from the past, from being with women who just took him for everything he has? If he does, then you may have a higher level of commitment resistance to work with and get over before asking for commitment.
- Do you give first? Do you truly know what he needs, or are you zoned in to your own wants; and insensitive to his?
- Do you guys have Attraction and Connection (the two things that make a relationship amazing) at least a level 7 out of 10 between you? That’s 7 out of 10 minimum. If not, then establishing a connection and trust and attraction makes much more sense before asking for commitment.
Never forget, if you want to be the woman men easily commit to, we walk you through everything you need to know here. We’ll take good care of you in our member’s area.
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