The fact that you are even asking yourself the question “will I ever find a man” tells me that you are more likely to find love than not.
Here’s why:
The people out there who truly never find love, aren’t open and vulnerable enough to ask that question, even to themselves.
Not only that, but the fact that you’re asking this question means that you’re feeling pain regarding not having the love you want.
Feeling the pain of not finding love will actually serve you, because pain is a great motivator.
In order for you to find a good quality answer to the question “will I ever find love with a guy?”, requires you to be in enough pain that you search for good answers.
Blocking the problem out, pretend you’re “ok”, or pretending that you’re doing better than those who are in a relationship might be good in the short-term, but it doesn’t help you in the long term.
So you’re off to a great start!
Table of Contents
Will I Ever Find A Boyfriend? All It Takes Is A Few Little Mindset Changes…
Here’s the truth about finding love:
The distance between yourself and ‘the one’ is dictated by how many low value mindsets you have.
Let me put it another way. Perhaps a more palatable way…
It’s easy to find love when you carry the right mindsets, and it’s hard to find love when you carry the wrong mindsets.
Because the wrong mindsets will always move you further away from creating a true pair bond with a man, and the right mindsets will always move you closer to forming an inseparable union with the right man.
I know these things because I’ve worked with hundreds of women in the past, and thousands of women have paid me to help them discover solutions to their problems of finding love.
I know that sounds a bit braggy, so I’m sorry about that, I don’t mean it that way. But I’m trying to say that when you spend long enough focusing on your craft, you begin to be able to see clear patterns.
I see specific patterns that exist in the people who find it easy to attract love, and I see patterns that exist in the people who find it nearly impossible to find love!
After beating on my craft for more than 15 years, it has become easier to zoom out and see why people have the problems that they have.
I don’t know it all. How could I? But I would love to help you attract deep, emotionally committed love into your life, if you will let me in this article.
(Because I have 3 young sons, and I want them to grow up in a world where there’s plenty of emotionally resourceful people. People who are capable of spreading love because they have plenty of love in their own life!)
When it comes to finding love, we all need a good dose of reality. So we’ll start with that.
The reality is that there are people out there who will forever be alone. And for women, there’s a few specific mistakes they make when finding love.
But even if you are making mistakes in your quest to find love, always remember, it’s not your FAULT.
Do not blame yourself. Remember, you are a product of who raised you, as well as the society you lived in, as well as the schooling system.
Which means that your parents, and perhaps society, have passed emotional patterns onto you that you may not even be aware of.
The best thing to do to fix low value mindsets is to have high value mindsets. In fact, we have a whole online study program called High Value Mindsets. Click here to join this exclusive program.
(The promise of this program is to give you the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.)
Here are the most glaring mistakes women make when they want to find love…
Mistake #1: They Are Perpetually Emotionally Closed.
Emotional closure is something that is very hard to diagnose in yourself.
Unless you make it your business to zoom out and take a really good look at yourself, you’re not going to have the slightest clue that you may be that emotionally “closed off” woman.
I describe what emotional closure is and why you should avoid it, in my article How To Find A Boyfriend [Avoid These 3 Traits & Find One Quick].
I’ll give you a clue based on the many women I’ve counselled over the years:
If you can never cry, or you haven’t cried in more than one year, you may just be that woman.
If you find that you cannot empathise with others (or sometimes even yourself), you may be that woman.
This emotional closure can come from:
- Trauma
- Loss of hope
- Deep and unending resentment (backlog of emotions); and
- Even having an insecure attachment style. Specifically, you may be an anxious-avoidant, or even have strong avoidant tendencies. If you are unsure what your core attachment style is, I recommend you take my quiz to find out. I’ve embedded it below:
Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?
Mistake #2: They Don’t Want To Acknowledge THIS…
…That there’s lots of competition for high value men.
Therefore they settle for beliefs that keep them single, and small.
Beliefs such as “I won’t change for anyone.” and “I should be loved for who I am.” and “in love, I should never have to play games.”
Life is hard. Dating can also sometimes be hard. Because there’s a lot of competition around us.
A lot of people try to deal with the competition by acting like they are ‘above’ it, by pretending it’s stupid, or by pretending it doesn’t even exist.
Here’s the bottom line:
Love IS a game. No, you don’t have to play vile, immature and nasty games just to get a guy.
But you do have to play the game of playfulness and high value.
I give you more insight on how to do this in my article How To Make Him Chase You And Value You [High Value Women Secrets].
Mistake #3: They Try To Prove Themselves Rather Than Connecting.
I’m sorry in advance for the tough love, but…
The high value men don’t really care about how you’re trying to prove yourself.
Especially not the man you’re about to meet and fall in love with.
Because when we try to prove ourselves, we just want attention. We want to be heard and seen.
Yet, studies prove that our value to men is not perceived in how we out-compete other women in sports, business or arts.
Usually, such competitive behaviour in women comes from feeling as though we never got enough attention in our childhood.
(Whether that be attention from our parents, or attention from friends and the opposite sex in school.)
Or perhaps we compete in athletic and economic success because we feel like we cannot compete in other domains. So we have to resort to competing in the domains that actually matter for men.
Real value to men isn’t in how you try to prove yourself. A my hubby often says:
Please don’t reduce your worth down to what you can DO for a man.
And don’t reduce your worth down to how he might benefit from your efforts in a masculine domain!
You’re not trying to attract a business partner or a friend…
You’re trying to build romantic love and begin a pair bond with a worthy man!
As such, real, intrinsic value as a woman (to men) comes from your ability to inspire men to feel. That is, feel emotional connection and emotional attraction for you.
If you find yourself feeling the need to try to look good to avoid being rejected, you may be this person.
If you find yourself “talking yourself up” because inside, you’re secretly desperate to be heard, seen and loved, then perhaps some grieving is in order.
If you find yourself talking so that you won’t feel judged by others or yourself, almost constantly, you also may have this problem.
If you find that you can talk a lot but never seem to be able to actually feel your emotions fully, you may be trying to prove yourself.
Remember this: real love grows through connection and attraction.
Related reading: When To Say “I Love You?” 6 Signs It’s the Wrong Time + 6 Signs It Is.
Mistake #4: They’re Too Serious To Ever Find Love.
Through my work and the many thousands of posts in my facebook group, I’ve realized that so many women are so serious.
If you’re this woman, I don’t blame you. I’ve been one of these many a time in my life. Being serious does have its place!
But when you’re so serious that you cannot relax and play, you may have a problem finding love.
(Of course, if you’re never serious and always trying to joke around, that’s not ideal either.)
We need to aim for the ability to be playful, so that love can blossom, but at the same time, be emotionally healthy enough that we are highly attuned and calibrated to the situation.
When you cannot be playful or enjoy high value banter with a guy, then you may push a lot of men away.
You may be interested in reading this article on what banter is and how to banter with a guy.
Look, I understand. As you get older, say into your 30s, 40s and 50s…things get serious.
You may feel confused, lost and not know how to find love again at that age, but there’s no need to lead with your seriousness in dating.
(You don’t want the primary energy that men feel from you to be your energy of seriousness. And by seriousness, I mean the type of seriousness that emanates from your stress about being single without children!)
Take for example this lady who had this mentality in my group:
Also, my response to her comments:
Sure, we would all love to find a man who is serious about us. But we can’t let that serious foot lead us forward.
If we are going to put energy into being serious, that’s ok. However, we need to put our valuable and finite energy towards being serious about the right things, and in the right ways!
Too Much Seriousness Backfires On You
After women turn 30 (or even earlier if you are like me)…it suddenly starts to feel like you’ve got to secure a relationship with a man fast, so that you don’t ‘miss the boat’ on getting married or having children.
But that doesn’t mean that the seriousness will allow you to effortlessly attract a high value, committed husband.
Here is How To Get Him To Propose Without Looking Low Value.
Look:
We as women need a commitment to feel safe and to build the family we so deeply desire.
But you cannot short-cut the process of romantic love and forming a pair bond with a guy, no matter how hard you try.
Let’s say you just want to find someone quickly and reproduce, and let’s say that you have the mentality that even birthing one child is better than none.
(As a woman who always had to have children myself, I do understand this urgency.)
However, if you have this mentality, then what a man will feel from you is your desire to use him as a sperm donor, rather than wanting to invest in him so that you become deserving of him being a present father.
Do you think that this is a good thing? For your future child, for him, or for yourself?
Grieve The Time You Have Lost To Find The Right Guy
Time lost is time lost, and it’s ok to grieve that.
In other words, if you feel like you’re ageing and it’s getting too late, it’s ok to grieve the time you may have lost first.
The reason I say this is not to slow you down, but rather, to speed you up!
You don’t just want any man who is willing to commit, surely?
Even if you are able to take the first man who is willing to commit, and you reach your end goal of having children and marriage, you will encounter a much larger problem…
You may find that the weak bond within your relationship cannot withstand the sheer magnitude of stress that raising young children can be!
I have three boys myself. They are everything in my world. But that doesn’t change the fact that they require every last bit of resource that I (and my husband) have.
In other words, no matter how much you love your children, they are your responsibility and so they are a resource suck (until perhaps, they reach a certain mature age).
Which means you cannot raise your children to a satisfactory extent (and still remain sane as a mother), unless you have solid relationship foundations!
Don’t Create More Disconnects With Men
Being single for much longer than you’d like, can feel like a serious issue. Many women in their 30s and 40s or even their 50s and 60s, know this.
But it’s not a serious issue that can be solved by taking everything too seriously.
When we approach dating and finding love with this underlying energy of seriousness, what it does is it inspires more disconnects with men.
This is due to the fact that our seriousness is inspired by stress. Stress doesn’t inspire love and it doesn’t kick-start any pair bonding.
This kind of stress is what women jump to to try to shortcut the dating process.
This kind of stress related to seriousness and goal orientation isn’t really supposed to ‘kick in’ in full force within a relationship until after the initial bonding period, and until after you’ve formed a pair bond.
After that, you will both have the stress of building a life together and raising vulnerable, needy young children together!
Do the quiz: Which of these 8 feminine archetypes am i?
THIS Is When Seriousness Has Its Place…
Now, stress isn’t always bad. It has its place. Therefore, being serious does have its place.
Here is a list of things that you should take seriously when finding love:
- You should seriously approach dating in a value-adding way, rather than in a value-extracting, desperate way. When you add value, it comes back to you.
- You should seriously have strong boundaries and be able to say ‘no!’ to the wrong kinds of men! (Find out how to be high value here.)
- You should seriously be able to grieve and feel your emotions, so that you can inspire commitment from men easier.
But you can never inspire men to fall in love with you by having this approach of seriousness.
There’s no way around it. After all, the more seriously you try to advertise your needs for a commitment from men, the less you will find the committed man you want.
It’s kind of like how men think they’re doing a good thing by being honest about their intent for casual sexual relationships.
But how nice is it when you start talking to a guy, and in the first conversation he verbalises this downer:
“I’m only looking for something casual.”
Uh….great. Thanks for dampening any connection and attraction we had before!
It’s the same as when we try to be “honest” and up front about just wanting something long-term. Without giving time for connection and attraction to develop first, this is just a downer!
I know that stating your values and intentions seems to make sense, especially when nobody wants to waste time with the wrong guy.
But it comes at a cost!
(Plus, this is what testing a man is for! If you don’t test love, then it’s not real!)
Find out how you can test him to see if he cares.
What’s The Best Thing To Do?
(…Since you shouldn’t lead with your desire for commitment?)
Instead of leading with your desire for a commitment, lead with playfulness. Playfulness is imperative. It’s second to none.
Why is that?
It’s because playfulness is a precursor to emotional attraction. In other words, you can’t have emotional attraction unless you have playfulness first.
Just to prove my point, have a think about any TV show or movie where two people have fallen in love. There’s always a sense of playfulness in their interactions before they fell in love!
This is what most women 30+ are missing! Especially women who have a deep fear of abandonment.
(Test yourself to see if you have abandonment issues here.)
No matter how many times you’ve been burned by men, your resentment, your hardness and your distaste for most men will not be the thing that inspires men to feel emotional connection and emotional attraction with you.
So, I’m here to suggest that you need to put a large chunck of your thoughts and focus into building emotional attraction and emotional connection.
…And the best place for you to start is with playfulness.
This is to say that if you want to find and build a genuine relationship with a man based on romantic love and emotional commitment, then lead with your playfulness.
Playfulness is actually one of the precursors to real adult romantic relationships. There’s evidence showing that playfulness allows people to have more relationships throughout their lifespan.
Not only that, but current research shows that being playful contributes positively to starting a relationship altogether.
If you would like to lead with your playfulness, then I have something exciting for you.
We have a free class on high value banter, lovingly put together by my man, Mr. D. Shen. CLICK here to discover how online dating has completely changed and why you as a woman need to use “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men online and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”! (…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
While you’re here, you may want to check out my article on The No.1 Trait Of Dating Profiles That Men Fall In Love With.
So, Will I Ever Find A Man? Or Will I Be Single Forever?
The answer is an absolute yes, if you acknowledge these basic principles around finding love.
It has nothing to do with your looks, because men don’t fall in love with perfect women.
Remember: There’s Lots Of Competition For The High Value Guys
It’s a well known fact among researchers on love and adult dating that there’s only a small percentage of people out there who are high value mates.
And yet there’s a whole lot of competition for these mates.
In other words, for every man that you desire, there are PLENTY of other women who also desire him.
Remember this:
Competition for the best mates has always been a thing, and always will be. It’s better for you to acknowledge it now and embrace it.
Knowing this, in order for you to secure a man that you can trust, respect and love, you need to lead with your best foot forward.
Here are 3 undercover ways to Be More High Value Over Other Women & Get Him To Choose You.
The last thing you want to do is wallow in self pity or try to short-cut the organic process of pair bonding and finding love.
Over To you…
I hope my article helped you, and I wish you nothing but the very best in your love life, because you deserve love!
Now it’s over to you. Can you tell me some of the mistakes you see people making that sabotages their attempt at finding love? Share with us all below so that we can learn from you.
P.S. CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
- Here’s The Feminine Woman Facebook page…
- Here’s my Instagram Pages TheFeminineWoman
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.
