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Article updated 2019
When I was 10, I liked a guy called Shannon, but Shannon didn’t like me; he liked my friend Tilly who wore skirts.
When I asked her why Shannon didn’t like me and liked her, Tilly said I was a boy and Shannon would like me if I wore a skirt. 10 year olds named Tilly are smart.
When I was 13 walking down the river bank with my best friend at the time, who has since passed away, a couple of boys walked past and said to us ‘nice tits, ugly head’. I didn’t have any breasts, I was flat chested and my friend was the total opposite of flat chested, so I assumed he was saying ‘nice tits’ to my best friend and ugly head to me. Was I being too negative? Maybe.
Then, when I was 22 studying my law degree, a male law student acquaintance said to me “your body looks your age, your face looks old”. I still remember this for a reason – cause it sucked to hear it.
Now you can take a guess at one reason why I got interested in the topic of relationships, dating and men. Because I had a few erm…unanswered questions in my mind.
So these tips are as much for me as for anyone else who gives a damn about love, sex and the art of intimacy.
Choose 3 of these that appeal to you, and do them. You’ll be better than 95% of people in relationships for doing so.
1. Always, always consider things from his perspective.
Why? Because it makes you smart, and able to see very quickly if he cares about you; or is hanging with you for the wrong reasons. This is an essential skill to become good with people. Try hard to understand where another person is coming from, feel what problems they might have. Try to see what their motivations are. Prepare to be wrong about this more often than not. But the point is not to be right. The point is to start. To care. Eventually, you might get 10% better at it. That’s an enormous difference from most humans, who never try.
2. Re-sensitise yourself.
Both of my sons (and I believe possibly all newborns) came into the world highly sensitive. I would leave my older son in a room with his father for 5 minutes while I hung up the washing, and if he cried for me while I was gone, I was dumbfounded that I could simply walk back into the room, and he would stop crying, sensing my presence.
These babies, innocent and free, also don’t tolerate anything less than full love and connection. How many of us keep this capacity for sensitivity and connection after childhood?
If this vulnerability and trust that we are born with is broken, which it is for most of us, we lose innocence and purity, we can also become thick skinned and stupid in relationships.
This is not to say that we should be like a newborn, but that we should try to have a capacity for sensitivity and a capacity for trusting others and the capacity for feeling untrust.
So consider re-sensitising yourself with feeling deeper beyond the superficial patterns you run, breathe, dance, appreciate your feminine body, and be courageous in questioning the things you most resist questioning.
Most of all, feel. If you are a woman who never cries or who cannot cry, it is necessary to feel deeper, in order to deepen your relationship, to have something real with a human male, rather than something imagined.
Being soft or kind is not the same as being a feeling, vulnerable human being. Being kind doesn’t always create deep connection, but being able to feel deeply does – because once you can feel deeply with yourself, eventually you can deeply feel others – their pain and their pleasure, and that is priceless.
3. Do touch him physically lovingly, showing presence and sensitivity and softness.
The reason this tip is in here is because it I’ve noticed it feels feminine to men, and it takes courage to do it from a caring place – we can be mindless, going about our day-to-day, and forget to connect with him from a soft and sensitive place. Some of us aren’t sensitive at all.
4. Care about yourself.
(You can’t be high value to anyone else if you don’t care about yourself).
Breathe. Give time only to the things that are worth it. Eat well. Exercise, and start living life like you’re a fit woman. Not a world class athlete – I mean a fit, energetic woman who enjoys being alive. (And if you are depressed and don’t want to be alive, try to eliminate the crappy aspects of your life). If you can’t, I understand. It’s hard. The next thing is to…think more resourcefully and ask other caring humans for help too).
Be playful and move and throw pillows and wrestle for fun. Connect with him in these multi dimensional ways – one caveat: I mean to do this in a way that you enjoy and that gives you pleasure. Men in general love a woman’s pleasure. It’s horrible that so many of us are ashamed of our own pleasure: because it triggers other women’s jealousy.
6. Blow jobs.
Only in the right context! With the right man. A man you trust. Don’t give blowjobs to men you don’t have any relationship with. If you’re already in a trusting relationship, and you’re sure that this man truly cares about you and is fully committed to you, then blowjobs would be appreciated. Remember to only give it to a man who is worthy of your vulnerability. There’s a whole article about it here…
7. Be feminine for your own pleasure first.
Let the natural feminine energy arise out of pleasure in your body. This is genuine. Dance naked and then sing and move your body in the ways it naturally wants to move, for pleasure. Then, connect and share that with him. No, pleasure is never just about sex. Consider what you deeply enjoy, what makes you want to connect with others, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry. Then truly be free and let go, sinking into pleasure.
8. Don’t assume every man wants feminine energy.
Some men want to BE the feminine energy. If you do assume all men want feminine women, you could be trying in earnest to feed a horse to a fish, and you’d have good intentions there, but the fish wouldn’t perceive any value in your offering. See this: 5 telltale signs a man has crippling low self esteem.
9. Don’t assume feminine is best.
Be careful if you assume that all you have to do in life is be feminine, and that will make you better than other women. That’s not usually true; feminine doesn’t work in many contexts of your life, perhaps in the workplace, even if it works very well for attracting high value men.
Feminine and masculine energy is only one lens through which to see your dating life. Being feminine is great, but being attuned to a man is just as great. Being feminine cannot solve every dating or relationship problem – I know many gurus have given you that impression, but as great as feminine energy is, to think that being feminine is the holy grail – well, that’s a terribly myopic view to have.
10. Show him that you’re willing to trust him
Show him that you’re willing to trust him, but don’t hold back your expression of lack of trust when you don’t. Essentially: show willingness to try to trust, and relax into trusting him when you really do, but communicate with non-blaming “I’m not feeling very safe right now” as feedback when he’s not being considerate or is making a scary decision.
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)
11. Polarity or commonalities!
If you are not interested in wild intimacy, and depth and passion – maybe a relationship with a strong feminine person and a strong masculine person in it is not for you. And that’s fine – it’s just important for you to know that if all you want is an average, functioning relationship where you are both best friends, then being feminine may not matter at all – being a team player and being agreeable may be more important.
12. Sex is not the ultimate value you can give, really!
Unless he has got it in his head that he just has to have physical sex with you and everything will be great.
Connecting to him, putting connection above all else, sharing your feminine energy, accepting him, allowing him to be human is the real deal. Giving him sex for the sake of not losing him is never what it is about. Don’t make yourself do this because you’re fearful there are no other options. It causes stress and dishonesty in your body. At least tell him that you feel scared to have sex with him. Read more on how men view sex here.
13. You are either ‘the one and only’ or ‘one of many’ to a man.
It’s hard to become the ‘one and only’ if you guys have already been friends with benefits for a while, and then you want him to be your committed boyfriend with a soul to soul connection.
To get to girlfriend status, be selective and avoid having sex out of fear that he will leave if you don’t. Avoid having sex if one part of you wants to and the other part dreads the consequence. Instead communicate your fear of the consequence. You are more trustworthy this way.
Sex is still a thing you allow men access to – unless you’ve already established trust, love and commitment with each other. Not being sexist or unfair to women here. Read here on the two traits of women that men routinely fall in love with
You are the woman, you have the womb. Men don’t. Sex means something to you, and it can mean absolutely nothing to men (unless you are their one and only). Want to know how to show up as the one and only woman, rather than the one of many woman? Get a copy of my FREE DVD “Becoming His One & Only” here: www.bhoodvd.com.
14. It’s OK to dream.
It’s OK if you dream of having a man so strong and manly that you’re willing to travel the world with him, supporting his dream, allow him to order you around with love. Just love that you secretly want that with the right man. Don’t be shy about admitting it to the right man; what you are in nature is not wrong, even if society wants you to be more asexual.
15. Give first
To add to your mate value, when you want something from a man – say, more of his time, more sensitivity – try offering that exact thing to him first. Be able to offer what it is that you demand from him. Or – simply think about what value you can add to him before you ask for more commitment and investment, so that you become deserving of that commitment.
Many women criticise and complain to try to get a commitment (to no fault of their own; we all learn behaviour from others growing up). You can choose to criticise, you just don’t get to feel the pride and self value that comes with taking the high road if you do.
Vulnerability. Consider trying to relax beyond your patterns in relationship; because your patterns are what you normally just do on autopilot without thinking. Patterns aren’t vulnerability. Coping is not vulnerability.
Vulnerability is different to that. High value vulnerability is what you are when you’re open enough to calibrate and adjust yourself to the moment in a relationship. It’s what you are when you feel hurt. It’s what you are when you realise you’ve lost control and have to surrender to what life is essentially giving you, or forcing upon you.
To show your vulnerability first; stop thinking, slow down, and feel.
17. Be loyal.
Be so loyal it is painful. Men who have at least an average level of intelligence absolutely value loyalty in a woman. Loyalty is something I am convinced that men are primed to look out for in a woman, because they don’t bear children, and therefore can’t know if children are theirs or not – unless they find and choose a loyal woman. These women feel to men like they are the right woman to invest in for a man, especially over disloyal women who take their feminine energy to other men, chronically seek approval and attention from others, or who are women who simply aren’t willing to be vulnerable.
Here’s a little example of loyalty. Take for example a female dog who is otherwise absolutely loyal to her owner on any day. And on the one random single day she ovulates within he cycle, she breaks through the fence where her owner has fed and kept her for a long time, and runs off because she saw a male dog/mating opportunity.
We are not dogs, but we are still mammals who release only one egg a month (think scarcity) and can act out at times and not take responsibility for our need to be loyal, just as men can. Own your subconscious sexual disloyalties and direct that wild, wonderful energy positively to the right relationship with the right man.
18. Defensiveness; it’s not good.
Yes, objectively speaking, defensiveness serves a purpose, but it doesn’t always go well with love and connection. It’s hard not to be defensive, but the point is to try our best to practice feeling deeper and breathing instead. When all else fails in your relationship, remember to put connection first.
Are you interested in finding out whether you’re in a healthy relationship? I created this article for you on the 10 Ultimate Signs of A Healthy Relationship.
19. Take a cold shower.
(Read about Cold Water Therapy/thermogenesis here). It’s what I do when I want to feel badass; it’s a quick way to feel accomplished. Feeling accomplished is necessary for a bit of self respect and self love – that good stuff that sexy relationships need to be built upon.
P.S. If you haven’t heard of our program Understanding Men yet, click here to check it out.
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