There are many people who strongly believe in leaning back in a relationship.
A lot of people actually rely on leaning back when dating.
Since the early days of the internet, when Rori Raye started spreading her idea on leaning back and circular dating, or rotational dating, which means dating several men at the same time, the idea of leaning back has spread.
Some people say that you shouldn’t take too many initiating actions with men, and let him chase you, whilst you still must remain warm and receptive.
Apparently, this is because it’s the natural role of a man to come forward, to work for you, and take care of you or claim you, as the woman.
The idea is that you shouldn’t take this ‘forward leaning’ role as a woman. You should let the man take that role of coming forward, pursuing you as the prize.
Leaning back is not something I’ve advised women to do. And that’s not because I think leaning back is wrong.
Leaning back and mirroring a man can occasionally be useful to re-calibrate yourself. It can be useful for pulling yourself back when you’re feeling very desperate.
But I’ve done a lot of thinking about this lately, and want to share my thoughts with you.
You don’t have to agree with me, and I am not dissing leaning back. I am suggesting that leaning back has no longevity in terms of your relationship value, and self-development.
All I am really doing here is seeing beyond the superficial stuff.
the current state of the term “leaning back”
Since I initially published this popular article in 2018, I’ve noticed that immediately, a tiny portion of coaches or gurus have done a 180 and changed their tune on leaning back.
This article has made such an impact that some coaches have clearly seen the message. In some instances, they have then proceeded to switch their use of the term “leaning back” in a relationship to “creating space”, inspired by this article.
It’s good to know that people see the sense in what I have written here. But to truly understand what I’m saying, I think it’s important to….actually understand it.
The solution for your relationship as a woman is not to simply create space, in lieu of leaning back.
You can do that if you want to of course, what you do is up to you! However, this is not what I personally meant in this article.
It’s also disappointing to see that these people who were teaching leaning back switch their tune the moment I suggested something different.
I don’t know about you, but I believe it goes to show you how much they believed in the term “leaning back” in the first place.
However, I guess I shouldn’t assume everyone truly believes in what they teach. After all, this is the kind of industry where anyone can pop up as a coach, copy + paste or parrot someone else’s work, and instantly seem like an expert on the topic.
What does leaning back in a relationship involve? (Examples included)
Without further ado, let’s get into what leaning back in a relationship involves.
First, let’s look at what leaning back involves. It isn’t just one definition, because people see leaning back differently.
So one popular viewpoint on this strategy of leaning back is that it apparently involves not having an agenda (lol) it’s funny because for most women, leaning back is still about a woman wanting the man to come forward. You still want something from him.
There’s nothing wrong with that per se, but what we have to respect is the fact that most women lean back to try to ‘make’ the guy do something that SHE wants.
And this is not exactly an advanced way of adding value to the connection/relationship. It’s a taking-mindset rather than a connection-oriented mindset.
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”…Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only).
Here are some examples of leaning back (taken from varied dating articles)
You do not initiate calls or texts.
You give your man emotional and physical space (you create distance so that he can come forward to you).
You do not complain or whine.
You spend time with yourself and invest in yourself.
You feel your feelings and let them come up, without taking them out on him.
You stay warm, receptive and inviting.
You just stay there.
You stop having an agenda.
You do not try to fix things for a man.
You let go of attachment to any outcomes.
You don’t focus on the future of the relationship. Instead, you enjoy the moment with him.
You don’t initiate any invites to go out somewhere.
So leaning back is really just a minimisation of risk on your part as a woman.
It involves insulating yourself from rejection and pain, as well as insulating yourself from the natural process of calibration (ie: avoiding making mistakes! But what if mistakes are what we need to calibrate ourselves?)
Here is Rori Raye’s idea of leaning back in a relationship
The original Rori Raye describes leaning back as a kind of being in your body. It’s an opening up your body and basically receiving a man as he is, without an agenda.
Generally, Rori Raye’s expression of leaning back seems to be the best expressed and delivered. (Except that a lot of women truly have a deep longing for a man, and it’s hard to accomplish leaning back when your love well is trillions of miles deep, unless you truly let yourself feel)
Now that the idea of leaning back has spread, other dating advisors use the term, too. Now it’s becoming a bit complicated. Let me give you an example.
Supposedly, leaning back is you being in your feminine, and this is supposed to be a good thing because men want to chase you. They want you to be “the prize”.
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Why leaning back is NOT feminine
Let’s talk about this first. Leaning back is not necessarily feminine.
And, just because a woman leans back does not mean she is in her feminine. She could be, but leaning back in and of itself is not a feminine thing. It’s just an action.
And having an agenda is not masculine energy. No, not at all. And ‘agenda’ shouldn’t be seen through this lens.
Agenda is a human thing. We can all have an agenda.
All leaning back means is that you are trying to preserve your value and not act out of fear.
Generally speaking, any action taken from a place of fear can damage your relationship and strip from your value. That’s not always true, but it’s often true.
The idea that leaning back is a feminine thing is not true. Even if you’re being warm and receptive.
You can learn more about why that is in my article Is It Really “Feminine” To Receive? (& Other Crazy Myths About Masculine & Feminine Energy).
Is a man who is leaning back “feminine”?
What if a man leans back?
Picture a strong, rich, successful, intelligent, masculine man leaning back.
Is he suddenly feminine because he has leaned back energy? NO! A masculine man can be warm and inviting and still stand deeply rooted to the earth as a high value, high status man of value.
A man having warm, receptive energy is still masculine if he’s masculine.
So, let’s look beyond the surface here, and stop bastardising the idea of masculine and feminine.
I mean, if you’re very lucky, then you’ve experienced the luxury of being with a man who is not only highly successful, but is also deeply warm and receptive too.
The truth is that leaning forward can actually be you being in your feminine.
I know, right? What a shock.
It’s not the actions you take with men! It’s the place those actions come from. It’s whether you’re attuned to a man or not.
Again, it’s not the actions you take! It’s about the energy you put out, who you are and what your habits are, and the place inside you that your actions come from. This is why I’ve never bothered with dating advice like ‘The Rules’.
Check out this deep discussion I had with my husband on masculine versus feminine energy…
Here are 5 things leaning back in a relationship DOES do for you:
1: It helps you create a push and pull effect.
When you lean back, it encourages a man to come forward naturally, but it doesn’t mean he will necessarily commit to you. This is because leaning back doesn’t actually accomplish the task of building emotional attraction and emotional connection. It’s just a push and pull action.
2: It can help you create a feeling of suspense.
If you give him the space to come forward, then he has the chance to wonder if you are still interested, and he has the chance to miss you (provided he perceived value).
3: Attempts to raise your perceived value as a mate.
Leaning back in a relationship makes women think that they can get their value back in a relationship, but it only “gets back your value” in your own mind.
It creates a short term feeling of empowerment within you.
As for raising your perceived value to Men? Well it doesn’t do that at all.
Leaning back alone does not just increase your intrinsic value, because it is designed to keep you safe, and help you take less risks in dating.
When you’re trying to be safe, that’s simply about you. You’re trying to control your emotions and behaviour. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s important to remember that it is about you, not about the relationship.
On that topic, you may want to read my article on Should I Control My Emotions To Be High Value?
4: It can give you a temporary ‘test’ to see how far a man will come when you pull back.
Again, it’s not a reliable indicator of his future investment in you and commitment to you, but it can give you an idea of how far he is willing to come right now.
But that ‘how far he is willing to come’ could only indicate that he lusts after you, or that he wants sex with you. So, be alert!
And be aware that there are reasons why you should be WORRIED if he comes on strong.
5: It can help you re-calibrate.
What does that mean? It means that instead of over-functioning and “leaning forward”, you go to the opposite extreme.
From that new extreme you find new, balanced footing as you acknowledge the problems that leaning forward brought you.
Instead of over-doing it and smothering a man in desperation to try to ‘catch’ him, you instead try to create space for him to ‘catch’ you.
But let’s be clear: I don’t care how much you truly believe in the idea of leaning back. It will simply be impossible for you to show up high value, without being attuned to your man and to the current feel of your relationship together (if there even is one).
What this means is that if you lean back due to anxiety and fear, that doesn’t mean that this is what will add value to your man.
What if he needs more of your understanding, rather than you just leaning back?
if he did need more of your understanding, then you leaning back would just feel like you’re abandoning him.
This is why you should aim for real attunement.
And in order to be better attuned to a man and a relationship, you have to be feeling through everything until you are empty, first. You need to honour yourself and open up (to yourself!) in this way first.
And by the time you’re empty, there’s a real likelihood that you may no longer even WANT this man. This is because you’ve allowed your body’s natural intelligence to be felt and heard.
That intelligence gives you the strength that you need to walk away from the wrong man. And you won’t even have to fake it or try too hard.
Here are the 9 dangers of leaning back in a relationship
Danger #1. Warm & receptive isn’t necessarily good
I understand that a lot of people try to tell women these days that you need to be warm and receptive to a man.
The idea is that feminine energy is about receptivity. It’s not, and I’ve dispelled that myth here.
I understand that when people tell you that you need to be more feminine by leaning back in a relationship, they’re assuming that feminine energy is about warmth.
The idea makes me laugh. Not because it’s a bad idea. It’s not a bad idea because in dating, it can be a more preferable thing to do than to be aggressive and controlling.
But just because it can be a better thing to do doesn’t mean it’s the accurate response.
And, because warm and receptive isn’t always the holy grail.
Also, feminine energy isn’t the holy grail. Feminine energy might be the holy grail perhaps in the BEGINNING of your personal growth journey, where you are removing old masks, defences, and an image that you’re strong and masculine.
To become more feminine, and remove these masks, see How to Be More Feminine: 18 Ways of A Soft, Feminine Woman.
Beyond that beginner stage, and an intermediate stage of trying to understand men and give to men, you then must become a woman who values attunement.
And to be attuned, you have to be capable of getting outside of yourself rather than retreating into yourself over insecurities and even hate.
Another reason why ‘warm and receptive’ makes me laugh is because of this: What if the situation doesn’t call for you being warm and receptive?
What if it calls for you to be playful?
To be high value, you need to be attuned to the context and the relationship!
Being warm and receptive to try to be feminine is one dimensional. Your man may not care how warm you are. Instead he may want you to be fully engaged and dynamic, or more authentic to how you really feel.
See, no woman who has a normal monthly cycle can or will be warm around the clock. Because her emotions change along with her hormones, and with the feelings of the people around her.
Women are made to attune and to respond. This is why we are so sensitive. Otherwise we would make terrible mothers.
It wouldn’t make intuitive sense to any smart man to have a woman who is constantly warm. It would feel fake. Here’s why…
See, most women use being ‘warm and receptive’ as a rule. This warmth is then used as a cover up for their sadness, ecstasy, or hurt.
One thing’s for sure: there’s no replacement for your ability to be a good, real woman. No amount of “warmth and receptiveness” will replace your genuine attunement and responsiveness.
Do the right thing at the wrong time, and you get pain…
Sometimes in our attempt to ‘do the right thing’, we slip up. For example, sometimes in an attempt to be feminine and lean back, you lose all access to your gut feelings out of devotion to the rule of leaning back!
The truth is that you MUST have the capacity to be deeply receptive, but you should have just as deep a capacity to be unwilling or even cold, which is the opposite of receptive.
You should ideally have the ability to access both of these, and go to them in the right context.
It is through this acceptance of all parts of yourself that you have more value to give. There’s simply more of YOU to give when you are not one dimensional and trying to be feminine all the time.
On the topic of being the best and most high value version of yourself, here’s an article written by D.Shen on The Nice Version of You Versus the Best Version of You.
Don’t lose yourself in the pursuit of being feminine
You see, we often lose ourselves in this obsession with attaining the ideal ‘femininity’ and ‘receptivity’. But think about it this way.
Who cares how receptive you are when you have so many strict rules on what you can and can’t do whilst leaning back?
Who cares how receptive you are when/if your man is sexting 5 other women whilst trying to get into your pants as well?
Who cares how receptive you are when you have rage pent up from past relationships that has not been felt through until you’re free of the rage? Is it even really valuable then?
In fact, you can get stuck being in your so-called feminine energy in the wrong place at the wrong time. And do you know what happens when you do the right thing at the WRONG time?
Yes, you do! You get pain. The wonderful Tony Robbins says that:
“When you do the right thing at the wrong time, you get pain”.
When you’re with a man, and he has really wronged you, then you better have the capacity to be ‘unwilling’ around him.
When you are in a situation that calls for you to protect yourself and protect your heart, then you better have the capacity to be unwilling.
And if a man has acted with zero integrity, then yes, you should have the capacity to show him that you’re unwilling, at the very least, for yourself.
If you want a good example where a woman should have been (or could have benefitted from being unwilling), but she was focused too much on just being feminine, then check out this answer I gave to a beautiful reader.
Danger #2. Even if a man leans forward, it doesn’t mean there is a real relationship…
Leaning back is short term solution to a short term problem… Just because a man leans forward after you lean back, doesn’t mean anything about the lasting ability of the relationship.
You could essentially be trying to push for an emotionally committed relationship when there wasn’t going to be one in the first place.
You have to know, appreciate and understand the man, where the man is at, and what his intent is. Not just lean back. Here are 10 Signs of A Commitment Phobic Man.
Try to ask yourself what needs is he trying to meet by being in contact with you in any way, shape or form?
And you’d be giving yourself false hope if you leaned back and he leaned forward, feeling like leaning back is ‘working’.
It works on a push and pull level. Not on a flowing, natural attraction and connection building level.
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
Danger #3. If you NEED the advice to lean back, there’s a problem…
When a woman badly needs the advice to lean back, then there comes an important question.
When did her emotions get so intense and so strong that she started “leaning forward” and over-functioning in the first place?
Let’s honour her emotions right now.
Why is the emotion there?
Well, it’s there because it’s trying to tell her something. It’s trying to tell her to stop and feel. She wants to lean ‘forward’ not because it’s wrong, but because she is afraid of something. Namely: CONNECTION.
And that is, connection to everything. Connection to a man’s real intentions despite how much she wants to live in denial.
Connection to a man’s soul. Connection to the lack of depth in the relationship and how this hurts her.
Now back to the emotions that make a woman ‘lean forward’…
I don’t care how much you lean back, if you don’t get to an ‘empty’ place, you can’t move forward.
This ’empty’ place is a place where you’ve given yourself permission (or even the external TRIGGER) to actually FEEL all the longing, the hate, jealousy, anger, resentment, hurt, pain, suffering and fear, then leaning back only counts so much.
Because you cannot emotionally and physically truly give value to a relationship or to a man if you don’t process those feelings first. You’ll be too stuck in yourself. You’ll have too many of your own issues to think of the health of the relationship with a man.
Women who have pent-up feelings from ages ago, cannot take care of a relationship because they haven’t taken care of themselves. (this doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be IN a relationship, not at all! It just means that they cannot take care of the health of the relationship at that moment).
You CAN potentially add a lot of value to a man by feeling these emotions right in front of him. As long as it is totally vulnerable feeling. (Here’s some information on how you can be vulnerable without being NEEDY).
But whether you are ready for that and he is ready for that is another issue.
And whether feeling in front of him really adds value or not depends on your history with him and where the relationship is really at right now.
Sometimes it might be better to just feel your feelings in private, so you can feel more balanced.
Danger #4. Women who NEED to lean back usually have bigger fish to fry…
There’s another way to see all of this. It’s a more advanced way to see things.
If you already have extremely intense, leaning forward or aggressive feelings towards a man, you cannot change that.
Those intense feelings are there for a reason.
In some situations, the best way to learn (for yourself) and become higher value, is by making the mistake of leaning forward and being controlling.
If you lean forward and become controlling enough times and with enough intensity, you get to see something interesting.
You will get the feedback from a man at some point that what you’re doing is not working, or that it is killing the attraction between you both.
There’s every reason why you should let yourself have this organic experience and allows yourself to feel the effects that this has on your success with men.
It can actually help you calibrate.
Leaning forward & making mistakes can be an important part of your journey
If you allow your aggressive and over functioning feelings to drive you – yes, you might lose a man. (Usually only in the early stages of dating before enough value has been built up between you both), but look at it from another perspective…
This is your life we’re talking about here. This is your story we’re talking about here.
Who said you cannot make mistakes?
What if honouring the feelings that you hold deep inside about this relationship are more important than the prospect of losing him?
In other words, sometimes you have much bigger fish to fry than focusing on ‘not leaning forward’. Sometimes you HAVE to lean forward and make that mistake in order for real change to happen.
Because people sometimes overlook the bigger, deeper problems in life.
Namely, that you have resentment, hurt, anger, or longing from the past that you haven’t felt or acknowledged.
And sometimes, by ‘leaning forward’ or being controlling, this has a way of giving you the ‘trigger’ or the ‘opening’ for your old bottled up feelings to be released.
Which, if they were released, would give you a new relief and a new perspective in life.
Sometimes, these intense emotions CANNOT be released without another human interacting with you in some capacity. Even if it seems like a negative interaction.
It could change how you show up altogether. So, instead of showing up aggressive due to old ‘stuff’ pent up, you are relaxed. You are breathing deeper. You aren’t burdened by emotional stress.
And THAT is the number one thing that will free you to show up High Value (Click here to learn about the mindsets of High Value women).
Danger #5. Leaning back doesn’t automatically guarantee polarity & attraction
When you talk about being feminine, the usefulness of it is that you’re trying to create polarity and attraction. That’s the main use of feminine and masculine energy. Being feminine is not always high value.
But just by leaning back doesn’t guarantee that you are creating attraction or polarity.
What leaning back creates is a push and pull effect.
Instead of pushing you pull, and you pull back. So, of course it’s going to seem like it ‘works’ because a man might come forward in response to the sudden change.
But is he coming back out of emotional attraction? Or is he coming back because of the surface level ‘push and pull’ effect that leaning back produces?
Is he coming back because he doesn’t want to lose convenient sex?
Is he coming back because he doesn’t want to lose the comfort of having someone ‘want’ him?
And is he coming back out of trust for you?
Something to consider…
See, whilst you want to keep this man forever, like most men, he will have no qualms about keeping you around even if he doesn’t want a relationship and never intends to commit. Find out why this is in the article Why Does He Keep Me Around If He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?
Danger #6. You’ll only keep a man’s interest if he perceives you have relationship value
As much as leaning back will work on the push and pull level, you can get lost if you adopt the belief that it will solve your problems for you.
To say or to subconsciously believe that leaning back works in the long term, would be to be leading yourself down the wrong path.
As I mentioned, it works on a push and pull level.
This is much like the 80/20 rule of contacting a man! The rule stipulates that a man should initiate contact with you 80% of the time, and you only initiate contact 20% of the time.
How long do you think a decent man would put up with such a passive, manipulative tactic on your part?
And, how much do you really think that even adds to your relationship value as a woman?
Listen, the truth is that it is only real intrinsic value that keeps a man (and a woman!) around.
Men need to show up high value for you, too!
And you need to do your best to understand how you can also show up high value for the right man.
(Also please understand that sometimes, no matter how high value you show up, some men just simply cannot appreciate or see high value, because they are too far into themselves – they’re not relationship material.)
‘Getting’ a man to lean forward & chase you is not going to get him to be serious about you
You’re not going to be able to sustain a man’s interest (and a man won’t sustain your interest long-term) unless you clearly have value for a long-term relationship in the first place.
Even if you lean back and he leans forward and ‘chases’ you, does that mean he’s serious about you? Here’s an article that will help you understand whether he is “interested” or serious about you.
Leaning back is only one initial way to try to raise your value, but it is short-term thinking and doesn’t add value to the relationship long-term.
To get a guy to chase you because he truly values you, check out the high value secrets of Getting Him To Chase YOU.
Even leaning back cannot fix the problem of a woman taking value long-term.
Because value-taking is a habit she got into. And that habit started when she decided she would not surrender to her emotions. Or when she felt entitled, or when she decided that she didn’t want to open to the pain and vulnerability of life!
(Ok. Some people are entitled value suckers because they were raised badly, and had terrible role models.)
See, by surrendering to our fears, our hurts, our anger and our longing, we can get to emptiness.
And with emptiness, comes a strange energy of acceptance.
Tell me, am I right?
This is a part of the process of grieving.
Grieving for not getting what you want right here, right now.
There’s real value in grieving, even if there’s no apparent reason to grieve. Most of us don’t grieve enough, myself included.
If you avoid the grieving and try to lean back for the wrong reasons, you’re putting a band-aid on to fix too deep a problem.
Your task is to get to the deeper levels of truth (beyond the idea of “leaning back”) in a relationship
There’s no real shortcut to raising your value as a woman. So, don’t rely on leaning back alone. In fact, leaning back as an idea is very much a surface level way to fix your problems.
You see, it was someone special named D.Shen who taught me about this idea of the deeper levels of truth. Here’s where it applies to the idea of leaning back…
Here’s the next level of truth for you to examine.
If you feel stuck right now with men, know that you will never get past your current problems unless you discover deeper levels of truths.
But what does that mean?
It means that the beliefs, the understanding and the awareness you have right now is not enough to get you past the problems you have right now.
This includes leaning back. You might lean back, and then very shortly, encounter a new problem with a man that you cannot fix for yourself (yet).
In your love life, getting ‘stuck’ in the surface levels of truths might mean you’re attracting the same kinds of men into your world.
It might mean that you’re attracting the same kinds of behaviour from the men already in your life.
If you’ve been feeling stuck with love and relationships, it’s because you are called to find the next level of truth. (Which is perhaps why you’re here reading this article right now).
Leaning back is not a deep enough solution to fix your problems in a relationship
The level you are at right now is far insufficient to get you the results you truly want.
The last thing you’d want is to show up as a metaphorical 5 year old navigating these adult waters, because the waves get rather rough out here.
Whatever level of understanding you have right now… Remember there’s always something deeper.
Perhaps right now you’re not in a position to find the deeper level of truths, that’s ok. Sometimes it’s important to grieve, to feel and to reflect.
But know that the deeper levels of truths will always be there waiting for you.
The ball is always in your court.
To help you get to the next level of truth, here’s a nice infographic that the wonderful D.Shen created. It will help you understand the progression of the ‘basic’ idea of leaning back in a relationship to finding deeper and better solutions in dating and in your relationships with men.
(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)
Danger #7. The rules of leaning back can kill true engagement
Rules are good when they are good. But if you adhere to all the rules of leaning back, then you’ll have problems.
For example, let’s just put it generally for now. The people in the world with the most rules of what to do, say or not do or say, usually have the lowest levels of engagement with others.
Because of rigidity. Their rules blind them to real engagement and connection in the moment. Their rules close them off.
And that’s what the rules of leaning back will do. They’ll cause you to pull back your quiet responsiveness…
They’ll cause you to pull back your ability to take little risks. Such as inviting a man out to a concert, which is something that he could potentially really appreciate (if done in the right context)…
If you really want to learn how to engage properly with men to build emotional attraction, learn the art of high value banter. When you can banter, it will help you in your dating.
Because it is a skill of creating connection and attraction. That attraction comes to life through real engagement and banter. What a great alternative to being passive by leaning back in a relationship or in dating.
So maybe instead of using leaning back as a way to be passive, you should be asking yourself: what do you want so badly, that you’re willing to kill your own ability to engage with a man? All in the name of leaning back?
What is it that you deeply want? There’s no right or wrong answer, only your answer.
Are you deeply needing a sense of acceptance and reassurance that you are enough?
Or do you want to not have to feel vulnerable at all? (Because a lot of people cannot handle vulnerability, to the detriment of their relationships.)
CLICK here to discover why you as a woman need to use the dark art of “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”! (…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
Don’t know what the dark feminine art of “High Value Banter” is? CLICK to find out.
Danger #8. Leaning back gives false hopes after casual sex or early sex
Here’s the truth:
Women have sex too quickly and then cling onto the idea of leaning back as damage control.
There are reasons why women get desperate and controlling (leaning forward behaviour) in dating. Sometimes it is because she has slept with a man very quickly, without enough emotional attraction and emotional connection having been built up.
Here’s more on that: The Secret Cost Of Casual Sex For Women.
And sometimes the reason for a woman leaning forward too hastily is simply because she’s at a place in her life where she is desperately wanting to secure a mate.
Sometimes, she just got attached really quickly even without sex. But the real PROBLEM comes when women try to fix having had sex early on by “leaning back”.
You can’t fix the problem of having had sex before you felt truly ready. What’s done is done.
You may have a chance at turning things around by feeling the pain of having had sex way before you felt you trusted a man. Perhaps that could work for you if you allowed the pain to be felt, adjusting your actions accordingly.
Leaning back in a relationship won’t fix the problem of having unattached sex with a man
Trying to lean back after having sex with a man very soon after meeting him is just damage control.
Whether we like it or not, by sleeping with a man quickly, women’s bodies know that they’ve given up something of incredible value.
That incredible value is the surrender of your body to sex before he had even earned your trust. Of course, the other kind of value is potentially, his sperm meeting the egg.
If you’ve given a man “access” to your reproductive capability, without him ever building up feelings of emotional attraction and emotional connection with you, then you’re taking risks.
Now, some women are in a place in their life where they really just want casual sex, and that is it.
But these aren’t usually the women wanting dating advice. These are often women who are recently divorced after being in a marriage for a long time, or they are just women who are truly not wanting any emotional attachment.
Either they really don’t care for the attachment and just want to satisfy a sexual need, or they are in denial about wanting that emotional attachment.
Most women want emotional attachment. SO – is it any shock to ANYBODY that when they sleep with a man quickly, that these women suddenly lean forward?
Or that they start to over-function?
Well, if it is a shock, it shouldn’t be.
Leaning back is sometimes, frustratingly, just an attempt to fix something that went wrong, way too fast.
Is it a surprise that women lean forward AFTER having sex with a man?
When your body has built up attachment to a man through sex, it can be very hard to relinquish “control”.
How on earth is a superficial strategy like “leaning back” supposed to fix such a big problem? By the time you chose to have sex with a man you do not trust, and who hasn’t developed any emotional connection with you, it’s already too late.
That’s why one might lean forward, because your body is trying to do the best for your future – it is trying to secure its mating future, in case you get pregnant and need to raise that child.
So, there’s no going around the issue of sleeping with a man quickly and without a level of 8/10 emotional attraction and 8/10 emotional connection built up first.
Leaning back might help him come forward. For now. But if you’re using leaning back as damage control after sex, then in most cases, it’s just a case of him naturally coming forward due to the law of ‘push and pull’.
Not necessarily because he is in love with you, or wants to commit to you.
(Don’t forget that if a man has gotten sex easy, he doesn’t necessarily want to give you up immediately.) Some men will be quick to leave, others won’t. So if you lean back and he leans forward, you’ve got to really critique his intent.
What does he want? Do you guys have an 8/10 emotional connection? Do you guys have an 8/10 emotional attraction?
If not, if it is less than 8 out of 10, then you need to either focus on building that or you need to really sit back and think about where he is at and what he is actually looking for.
A lot of women are afraid to do this in case they meet the truth: that he just wants sex.
Regardless of what the truth is…you got this. You are strong enough to handle the truth.
That’s right. You got this.
Danger #9. Leaning back is NO replacement for attunement in a relationship
There is NO replacement for attunement in a relationship.
And attunement is where it’s at!
Leaning back is often still about ‘ME’ getting something from ‘HIM’. But it’s a passive act.
I lean back to try to get him to lean forward.
This is a far cry from what attunement looks like.
No amount of leaning back will replace attunement in your relationship and dating.
Attunement is defined by Dictionary.com as: being or bringing into harmony; a feeling of being ‘at one’ with another being.
Now, I want to be clear. You AND a man both have a responsibility to be attuned to each other. But there is never any harm in leading with your own desire to attune to him, because you will feel it and know it much faster if he’s a bad egg!
You’ll also know it faster if he’s the wrong one for you, if you are attuned, or have the desire to connect. It’s when we get stuck in our heads or have too many pent up feelings that we dig a rabbit hole too deep and find it hard to get out.
A lot of us lack attunement. In fact, we mistakenly think that we ARE attuned to someone, when in reality, all we’re attuned to, is what we want to take from the situation.
CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
How much connection & attraction does HE really feel for you?
As such, it’s much harder to answer the question:
“How much emotional connection does HE feel for YOU?”
Than it is to answer the question:
“How much emotional connection do I feel for him?”
We have to get OUT of our own bodies to feel someone else, to be at one with them.
And I will place a bet on the fact that for a lot of us, if we were to “lean back”, we’re much more in tune with ourselves than we are in tune with him.
So, in that specific case/context, the only value that leaning back in a relationship has, is to avoid a desperate situation.
And perhaps to hopefully make him come forward. But it doesn’t add any value to the emotional connection directly.
Invest in having the skills to build attraction and connection!
Only you actually building attraction and connection with the right care and skills will help you with that. And that’s when you can see your real relationship value rise.
Here’s something my husband and I created that can help you build that attraction initially. This ONE simple sentence will help you capture his attention, trigger his curiosity, and make him hang onto every word you say.
(Yes, it won’t be so “safe” and passive as the act of leaning back in a relationship will be. You may be scared to say it. But that’s a good thing. That’s why it works to get you your answers.)
You see, by saying this one simple thing – you’re not being passive. Therefore, you’ll get to see where your man is at, capture his attention, and also see how attached to you he really is!)
Even if a woman is wonderfully warm and receptive, and she is inviting and leaning back at the same time, it will do nothing if she is doing it to ‘get’ something from him. Ie: get him to claim her.
It will do nothing if she leans back to try to ‘get’ him to come forward.
There have been stories of women who leaned back, stayed warm and receptive, and yes, the man came forward to seemingly claim her.
However, he didn’t want to commit to her. So, we have to keep our eye off the goal of getting him to ‘claim’ us, and focus our energy and attention of building attraction and connection.
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Instead of leaning back in a relationship, actually become his one & only…
The best way to find a high value man for a relationship is to learn how to show up as his one and only woman, rather than a one of many woman. I have a new program for you on this very topic!
The promise of this program is to give you 5 secrets to have your chosen man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and ONLY. 🙂
If you liked this post, please leave me a comment, I love reading your thoughts and stories.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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