In our Facebook group, there’s been a lot of advice given around from women, and one of these pieces of advice is to let a man initiate contact with you 80% of the time, and you initiate contact with him 20% of the time.
This advice is usually given from women in the group (not myself nor David) in response to questions along the lines of, “Should I initiate contact with a man?”
Some women take this rule further, claiming that they never initiate with a man, and they don’t only use this rule in the dating stages, but also continue to use it in the stage of a committed relationship. Seems innocent enough doesn’t it? Seems like reasonable advice? Until you actually think about it deeper.
The 80/20 is a poor attempt at manufacturing romantic love
Look, I understand that as women, we intuitively feel that it’s better for us if a man is doing the majority of the pursuing and the initiating. Why? Because we intuitively know that when men are in love, they naturally take initiative with us and want to pursue us.
However, you CANNOT manufacture this pursuing or initiative taking from a man with an 80/20 rule.
You cannot try to make a man fall in love with you by initiating only 20 times out of 100, or 2 times out of 10. It does not work that way.
And here’s why…
It is because if you are not a man’s one and only woman, you are the one of many woman, no matter what you do. When men meet you, it usually doesn’t take long for them to categorise you into the one of many basket or the one and only basket.
You also cannot force a man to be in love with you, nor force him to see you as the one and only with some silly 80/20 rule appropriated from other areas of life (where, by the way, it is much more relevant.)
Men falling in love with you requires 50/50 attunement
See, I want you to understand this. In order for the process of “falling in love” to actually occur, two people have to be hyper-attuned to each other. The moment you step outside of hyper-attunement, then this emotionally driven process stalls.
So most decent, high value single men who are looking for a relationship with a real woman, will not be able to fall in love with you, nor stay with you and court you if you use the 80/20 rule, because these men are intuitively looking for attunement, rather than blindly chasing tail.
…And true attunement looks much more like 50/50 than 80/20.
When a woman tries to stick to 80/20, you’d find that most high value men are not stupid and will walk away fast, assuming that the woman is just not interested or worse, playing “mind games”. The smart men with many options will move on, there’s no doubt about it.
I was speaking to my husband about this topic, and here were his thoughts. If a man were to chase 80% of the way and the woman only gives 20% back, then that would be a sign that she’s not nearly as interested. A hyper-attuned man would take that as a huge sign to back OFF.
He may think she’s playing mind games, or intentionally trying to play “hard to get” at the COST of the existing connection and attraction that he is already trying to establish.
It’s like playing tennis with someone and they only hit the ball back to you once every… let’s say 5 times. It’s a little difficult to start a rally that way, wouldn’t you agree?
See, smart men are looking for attunement when it comes to love because intuitively they know attunement is the basis of any real connection and love.
Otherwise it’s just mind games in order to manipulate the other for one’s own gain. Not so smart men will chase and fall for almost anything.
Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of “not so smart” men out there. There are lots of men who will try and hold onto anything they can get their hands on. However a relationship that didn’t grow out of the process of falling in love (AKA emotional attraction and emotional connection) will inevitably have a short lifespan.
So if a woman deliberately puts in far less effort towards creating connections, playfulness and interactions with him, a smart and high value man will move on, realising that she is not that keen, nor worth the effort.
(…Especially when there are other high value women around him who are displaying more natural interest, vulnerability, and attunement.)
If you want men to truly be in love with you and want to be the kind of woman that men WANT to invest in, then be real. Don’t base your actions (which should be natural, authentic, flowing, and appropriate for the time, stage, context and energy of the relationship) on a rigid, boring, silly and inappropriate rule like the 80/20 rule.
Also, here’s an article I wrote ‘If You Never Initiate, You will Lose the High Value Men.’
Something like the 80/20 rule can (and will) leave a woman completely un-attuned to a man. At the end of the day, this rule is not about him. It’s not about the attraction or the relationship, it’s about you and your need for control.
Your emotions have to be revealed to a man if you are going to have a real relationship
If, as a woman, you’re severely stuck in anxiousness, I understand that an 80/20 rule may make you feel more in control and less anxious. But it’s one thing to process and deal with your anxiety, it’s another entirely to avoid it in dating and relationship situations by using the 80/20 rule.
At the end of the day, if you feel anxiety and worry, if you feel ANY emotion that you may consider ugly, a man can and will be seeing it in you no matter what. That’s part of building deeper, more trusting and sacred relationships. A man has to at some point find out everything about you – the emotions you habitually go to – and he’s going to have to see you vulnerable.
Something like the 80/20 rule distracts you from that process and tries to hold it off for a while, avoiding risk and vulnerability.
The 80/20 rule creates distance, not connection
The 80/20 rule manufactures more distance between you and a man than connection. This is the kind of distance that is more about your mistrust of men and humans than it is about the rawness of life.
Sure, you don’t want to get so close, so soon that it turns a man off or takes so much value that you begin to show up low value.
However, you also don’t want to create so much emotional distance that you come across as low investment, fearful, and unnatural.
Is it really that difficult to appreciate that men aren’t the only ones who need to invest in a relationship? Just because they are men, doesn’t mean they are not also human. Just because they are men, doesn’t mean they are not also vulnerable.
Just because we are women, have been hurt before, or fear abandonment inside, doesn’t give us the right to place out-of-touch rules upon all the men we date.
Following this 80/20 rule doesn’t make you any more high value for your relationship in the long term, because it’s not about connection or attraction, it’s about control/certainty.
Nothing wrong with wanting to create a feeling of certainty within your life, but you have to do it in resourceful ways, not just with 80/20 rules which will never help you nourish an actual HUMAN relationship with a man, because it’s not about the connection. It’s about a rule. It’s about favouring emotional safety over the spontaneity and vulnerability involved in human interactions.
Ultimately, we have to accept that human relationships lead you to feel out of control. Real, authentic human connection is never controlled.
Remember that dating men, and relationships with men isn’t just about avoiding risk and about certainty. Life is naturally uncertain and out of control.
I understand that sometimes it feels like we are living in a terrible era with online dating. Men and women are ghosting each other, and seeing or talking to multiple men/women. However, that doesn’t change how important it is that you show up the right way.
It doesn’t matter how much you want to “be in the feminine role” or get “the most masculine man” out there, often the most feminine, high value women are the ones who show up the most spontaneous and yielding.
By the way, here are 3 Reasons Why Women Should Initiate in Online Dating.
Following the 80/20 rule just avoids you having to deal with the real underlying problem – a fear of abandonment (which can actually make you more beautiful), a fear of making mistakes, of being too vulnerable, and a fear of the risks involved with getting to know a man and with emotionally calibrating yourself to the relationship.
Ultimately, if you’re an attuned person, you’d KNOW how much to text or contact a man, and you would not base your reaching out to him on some “rule” – but based on value. You’ll know when you’re taking too much value with your contacting him if you get out of yourself, care about the relationship and you care about him.
Honestly, the 80/20 rule has been incorrectly and ignorantly taken from industries such as the diet, business and goal-oriented industries. The 80/20 rule or Pareto’s principle has been around for a long time in different aspects of life, but this is not a place for it.
At some point, you’ll have to force yourself to become attuned to a man. Better earlier rather than later, when you’ve already lost him (due to being completely out of touch with HIM and being totally in touch with inappropriate rules).
Be resourceful enough to put your energy in the right places. Focus on showing up as his one and only woman, because if you’re not the one and only, then you’re one of many. I’ve made a free dvd titled “Becoming His One & Only”. It’s free, no strings attached, so you have no reason to not order it, dive into it, and begin understanding what truly gets men to fall in love with you and commit to you for life.
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