How do you tell if a man is serious about you versus just playing you?
This is one of the most crucial questions any woman can ask herself, because a lot of men can fake it until they get what they’re after…..sex.
As a woman, you must remember:
So many men are highly skilled at faking their desire for serious relationships that many women are still falling for the “act”. And this act is usually called future faking. Another term for this behavior is love bombing.
Even if a guy isn’t love bombing you, he may just gently give off signs he wants a serious relationship with you without actually wanting a committed relationship with you.
So you need to be smart, alert and relaxed enough in your nervous system to pick up on what’s real and what is not.
If you don’t know the signs he’s genuinely interested versus the signs he’s future faking, you may waste years of your life – and oodles of emotional energy and attachment on the wrong man.
Would you like to discover how serious he is about you? You can take our FREE quiz to find out for yourself:
Table of Contents
How Do You Tell If A Man Is Serious About You?
The first thing to know is that what you think is a serious relationship may not actually be serious in a man’s mind.
This is true even if he wants to be exclusive with you.
Just because a guy is in an exclusive relationship with you, does not mean he’s taking you seriously.
Don’t get me wrong; in some cases it can be a good sign that he does, but it’s no proof. It’s a soft sign rather than an obvious sign he’s emotionally committed.
When you think of a “serious relationship”, you likely assume that he will commit to you not only exclusively, but emotionally too.
Because that’s what you naturally do as a woman. That’s where your equilibrium lies.
But a man can “be exclusive” with a woman for years, only to leave her, fall in love with another woman and marry her at the drop of a hat.
Yes, men can be this distasteful. Sometimes they do it consciously, sometimes they do it subconsciously (without meaning to hurt you) – they’re just doing the best for themselves.
- How To Get Him To Commit The High Value Way + 1 Mistake To Avoid.
- What Makes A Man Leave His Wife For Another Woman?
So what you’re really looking for here are not just signs he wants a serious relationship with you, but the signs he sees you as his “one and only” – not his “one of many”.
When you’re a man’s one and only, he won’t fall in love with another woman and leave you. He’ll take his commitment to you extremely seriously.
So what is the “one and only”? She is the one he commits all of his emotional, physical, financial and spiritual resources to, because he’s deeply in love and pair bonded to her.
Conversely the “one of many” woman is the woman he might spend one night with, or even the woman he spends 10 years with.
The “one of many” woman is the woman who he sees as not any different from any other woman he could be with.
Sure, he might love her as a friend or find her sexually desirable, but he won’t emotionally commit or give up his life for her, as he would the one and only.
Just FYI, there are only two baskets in which men place women into.
You might be wondering whether being the one of many means he can have multiple women at once, and the answer is yes.
Even if he’s “technically” exclusive with her.
So in this article, I will be concentrating on all the authentic signs he sees you as his “one and only” (which is the genuine precursor to him taking you seriously) – and not just a woman he keeps around, or just a fling.
Would you like to learn the 5 feminine secrets to have your chosen man fall in love with you and BEG you to be his one and only? I will teach you the exact steps on how to achieve this in my popular program “Becoming His One and Only”. CLICK here to get access to his program.
(The promise of this course is for you to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)
10 Indisputable Signs He Wants A Serious Relationship With You
1: He Passes The Banter Test
As my husband D.Shen says, “he plays at your level.”
I’ve been teaching for a while now that high value banter is the ultimate test of attunement, and attunement or the willingness to attune is a sign that a guy is at the very least, willing to attune to you.
A guy who will not banter back to you or play at your level is a guy who is only willing to put in minimal effort in return for sex.
Or he’s the manipulative and toxic type who cannot stand banter, since it introduces an element of uncertainty into the situation through playfulness.
Controlling men – toxic men – do not like this uncertainty, as it strips the carpet from beneath their feet.
But that’s the job of banter, and if you lead with banter in your interactions with men, you’ll learn very quickly which ones are worth your time and which ones are absolutely not.
So in order to conduct the test of banter, you need to throw him a curveball (initiate banter). You can use these 5 Revealing Questions To Ask A Guy to Know His Intentions.
If he plays back at your level and enjoys connecting with you, he’s a high quality guy and has a higher commitment potential.
In order to get some examples, check out our FREE high value banter class (run by my husband, David.)
And read my jointly-authored article (with hubby): What Is Banter & How To Banter With Men To Build Attraction?
2: He Feels What You Feel
A guy who is seeking a serious relationship with you will have empathy for your feelings.
If he’s really in love, he’ll take it one step further: he will actively feel the emotions you feel, if he senses that you need that kind of empathy.
There are few solid signs a guy genuinely wants to make you his one and only, but this is one of them.
His empathy is a sign that he wants to be a part of you, and he wants you to be a part of him
This is a type of emotional intimacy that guys who are faking it can’t replicate.
They can offer a surface level of “caring” – as in, they can act like they care about you, but you’ll never see them feeling what you feel.
The telltale sign a guy is feeling what you feel?
When his level of empathy almost scares you…I know that sounds weird. But it’s true.
It may scare you because you suddenly realize this guy is serious about you and it work work long term unless you return the same kind of empathy (which is hard to do unless you’re also in love).
3: He Spends Most of His Free Time With You
One of the signs he wants a serious relationship with you is that he spends most of his free time with you.
This excludes family members like his brothers and sisters or parents, because if he’s very close with them, he may still spend a lot of time with them.
And if you’re a healthy individual, you will encourage that habit in him. (Ie: you won’t want to tear him away from his family).
But if he often wants to spend a lot of quality time with you, that’s a clear sign that he wants to take the relationship forward and invest in you.
One caveat is that he doesn’t always seek sex during this quality time.
If it always has to be accompanied by sexy times, then he may not be serious about you.
Here’s a video I made on: “Is He Serious About You Or Just “Interested”? Critical Distinction.”
4: He Leads With Generosity
Like, a lot of generosity.
A guy who truly wants you for your soul (and not your body) will be so generous it surprises you. In a good way.
You have to remember that there are many different types of generosity. Many women tend to think of money and gifts when they think of a man being generous.
And whilst money and gifts are nice, you have to look past that if you don’t want to fall prey to the wrong men.
Generosity can come in the form of:
- Extra time
- Cooking of meals
- A listening ear
- Excessive patience
- Sacrificing himself for you in (not necessarily his own life, but his reputation and health); and
- Selfless acts (such as helping with a child that is not his own or going out of his way to drive to meet you)
On the off chance that you’re an angry man reading this, know that I am not saying that a man MUST do all of these things in order to show he wants a committed relationship.
These are not rules.
These are observations of a man in love.
I am reporting my own experience to you, and my man has never once failed me nor given me reason to wonder whether or not I’m his one and only.
5: He Doesn’t Avoid The Commitment Talk
A man who wants a serious relationship with you won’t find the commitment talk intimidating, unless you approach it in a horrible, negative manner.
You can scare almost any man away from defining the relationship if you’re being controlling or accusatory.
But if you bring up the topic of defining the relationship in a respectful and kind manner, a man who wants to commit to you fully will not avoid it.
For more on this, see my article: Check These 7 Things Before “The Commitment Talk” Threatens Your Relationship.
A man who truly wants you will find it relatively easy to relax into the conversation with you, at least until the point of the conversation is over.
However, there’s one thing you need to be aware of:
Most men won’t be overly enthused by the commitment talk though, as it doesn’t excite them as much as it does for women.
In fact, if a man seems a little too eager and overzealous about initiating the “commitment talk” early on in dating, you need to be careful.
No man wants to excitedly talk about commitment with you too early.
What you’re looking for here is:
- A relaxed state when you bring up the topic of a long term relationship; and
- You’re looking for whether he wants to run (avoid) or whether he tries to gloss over it with pleasantries
If his response doesn’t feel sincere or he tries to run, that’s a sign he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Now, you might be wondering whether an avoidant man could run away from the commitment talk even if he is in love with you and wants a committed relationship.
The answer is usually not.
Avoidants tend to clam up when intimacy is required of them. But if an avoidant genuinely loves you and wants to commit to you, you’ll still feel a sincere attempt at trying to show you his willingness to make the relationship official.
It won’t feel like you’re asking him to run around the world 100 times.
It’s also important to mention that there are men who have had horrible pasts with women who have taken advantage of them. But you’ll feel him at least reciprocating your desire for security if he’s serious about you.
Simply put, he’ll want to offer some certainty when you ask if you’re going to be committed to each other.
It honestly doesn’t take much for a man who is in love with you and wants a serious relationship.
Want to discover how naturally feminine you are? Take my free quiz to find out! QUIZ TIME: Are you truly living in your feminine energy? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!
6: He Truly Believes You’re Perfect
Yep, even when you look into the mirror and see a donkey, he’ll see a perfect princess that cannot be faulted.
Even if you started with rock bottom self esteem when you first met him, you’ll discover that over time, your self esteem has skyrocketed, just because of him.
This is because a man who wants to be with you for life will want to invest in you in the most positive ways.
And this is true in any healthy relationship with a man, really.
He won’t want to see you feel bad at all.
But the defining thing here is not just that he wants to make you feel good about yourself, because any fake guy can flatter you to no end.
The key here is that he truly believes you are perfect – almost stupidly so. (I say that from experience. I’ve had days where I knew I looked below average with multiple mount Fujis on my face, but to him, I was perfect).
He couldn’t help seeing me that way.
And that’s just the way love is.
7: He Stays In Contact Even Between Dates
This is a no brainer. A guy who is willing and ready to invest in you will want to contact you in between dates.
Because he misses you and he can’t stop thinking about you!
On the other hand, a guy who isn’t serious about you will always make you question where the relationship is going, increasing your confusion and anxiety.
It’s common for men who aren’t serious about you to breadcrumb you, so be careful not to fall for that.
SECRETS REVEALED… Discover how you too can use this little known “Dark Feminine Art” to weed out the toxic men whilst cultivating real emotional attraction with high value high esteemed men. (CLICK HERE to enrol in this free class before it’s gone.)
8: He’s Happy to Spend Time With Your Friends And Family
A good sign he wants a serious relationship is when he’s more than happy to spend time with your friends and family.
He will care about the people you care about. He will also want to be a part of your family life, because to him, you are his family. (Or at least, he wants it to go that way!)
For men who aren’t serious about you, spending time with your parents, siblings, cousins or aunts will be a chore.
He may begrudgingly come along, but that’s the key word: begrudgingly.
Sure, if he’s super busy this weekend and cannot make it, that’s fine. But if your family has been dying to meet him for the last 4 months and he’s never made an effort to show up, that’s a man who isn’t interested in you.
There’s also a chance he’s just not proud of himself, has low self esteem, or is a narcissist (therefore he doesn’t have any desire to invest in anyone other than himself – if that).
But if you’re in a relationship with this kind of man, then you have bigger problems than just him not wanting to meet your friends and family.
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
9: He Makes You Feel Really Safe And Secure In The Relationship
Does he discuss future plans with you and follow through on those plans?
Does he include you in all of his own future plans?
If so, then he really likes you, wants you and likely sees you as irreplaceable.
Him including you in all of his future plans should help you feel more secure in his commitment to you.
How else might he make you feel safe and secure if he’s serious about you?
- He’ll reassure you when you feel uncertain.
- He’ll open up about his past relationships
- He’ll make you feel like no other woman can compare to you.
In any successful relationship, a man will do the above things, as he will truly care about the success of the relationship.
QUIZ TIME: Anxious, avoidant or secure attachment patterns? Which one do I have? CLICK HERE to find out with our specially crafted women-specific 10 Question Quiz! (Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
10: He’s Willing To Change Plans for You
Aside from including you in his future plans, another sign he wants a relationship that lasts is that he will change plans for you.
He doesn’t have to do this all the time (or just because you are acting demanding), but because you are his priority!
Any man who wants a serious long term relationship with you will show that he’s serious by changing plans to make things work for the both of you.
He will include your feelings in his planning, and you won’t just be an afterthought.
There is a caveat that comes with this, and that is that masculine men with a mission tend to prioritize that mission above all else – to a fault.
It can be annoying as hell, but just like relationships are the most important thing to you as a feminine soul (they’re likely number one for you in fact), masculine men see their mission as their number one focus.
However, when you love a man, you’ll sacrifice your needs for his mission (ie: you’ll likely want to follow him, support him and believe in him – which involves sacrifices on your part).
But the same is true of him in terms of sacrifice. His mission and your prioritizing the relationship may be at odds with each other at times, but at least you’ll see evidence of his willingness to bend his plans at times.
You won’t feel like you have to come second to everything else in his life, all the time.
Unless of course, he’s homeless. In that case, it makes sense that he (as a man), would put survival and earning money first.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take a guy to decide if he wants a relationship?
It’s not about how long. It’s about the following two things:
- How much value he sees in you (if he sees a lot of value in you, he’ll want to commit faster and secure your commitment to him!) See: What Is Wife Material? 13 Wifey Traits Men Always Look For.
- Where he is at in his life. If he is at rock bottom in his life in terms of finances and health, he’ll simply have less resources available to offer (therefore he’ll be much less inclined to offer a long term relationship). However, I’d still argue that a man sees you as his one and only will make it known that he chooses you and wants you, he just won’t be able to offer as much as you want.
Can you convince a man who’s not serious to change his mind?
No amount of convincing could ever – ever – make him change his mind. This is because you can’t convince anyone to commit. That’s not how commitment works.
If you are curious moreso regarding whether you can overcome a man’s commitment resistance, the answer is yes (but that does not involve any convincing. Rather, it’s the real deal and inspires true commitment from him).
Do you want to know what would ultimately make him want you and only you? (and you won’t ever have to ask him for it?)
When you show up as the one and only. Convincing won’t help anyone or anything – it’s just about the most low value thing you could do to try to get his commitment, as it’s about what you want – not what you offer and not how he sees you.
Did you know: There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
What Makes A Man Want To Marry You?
Marriage and kids is not something masculine men dream of. It’s not a fantasy for men. He can want to own you as his, sure, but he can do that without marriage (at least in his own mind he can).
But to answer this question, here’s what makes a man want to marry you:
- He has to care about you enough that he cares about your desire for marriage; and
- He has to feel your need for marriage, and he has to feel it on a visceral level.
What To Do If He Wants A Serious Relationship With You?
If you truly love him too, then enjoy it. Keep putting attraction and connection first, and don’t try to skip too many bases, so to speak.
Let the relationship deepen in an organic way and truly enjoy it right now, as it only happens once. Of course in all healthy relationships the attraction and connection will be maintained long term, but you only get the initial stages once.
There are few things in life as precious as mutual romantic love, so if this is what you believe you have with this guy, then treat your relationship as a place you go to give value.
If you want to speed up the process of commitment without skipping any organic steps, let me invite you to join our Commitment Control 2.0 program. (The promise of this premium course is for you to experience the freedom and joy of going from “not knowing where your relationship is going”, to a deeply committed life long relationship without any resistance, withdrawal or heartache…)
Do you have any questions, thoughts or comments? I’d love to hear them! Please leave your comments below, positive or negative. I always read my blog comments.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.