Blame In relationships: Should I Put More of the Blame on Men?

When it comes to blame in relationships, the biggest culprit is fear. Both men and women feel fear.

However, it’s so tempting for women to point the finger at men these days. (Consequently, he feels like he’s being blamed for everything in a relationship!)

With the swipe culture of online dating and the affect that social media has on relationships, it’s easier for weak relationships to fail in general.

But that doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea to take part in blame shifting in a relationship.

Here are some examples of what some frustrated women say to me on an almost-daily basis:

“If the woman is being stupid and he’s being a jerk admit to both. It’s as if you’re were siding with the guy.”

“Blame the men from time to time.”

“Men are wrong, too!”

I hear these statements from hurt and frustrated women sometimes.

This letter is to you if you have ever felt like you are being asked to do ALL the work in a relationship with a man…

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

This letter is also to you if you have ever felt like men need to put more effort into the relationship, or that men need to take more responsibility for their actions in relationships.

Here’s what I want to say to you:

All that is irrelevant. How much men do or don’t do is irrelevant when it comes to the anger we feel.

Men won’t necessarily admit they were wrong when you demand it of them anyway. They will possibly resist it. Because you’re just wanting your own significance over him.

And the same goes for men, trying to blame women.

Should I Put More of the Blame on Men

Blame encourages weak Commitment & pushes him away

Blaming doesn’t usually get the result you want. Sometimes it does, but he would likely be correcting his actions out of guilt and fear, than out of true devotion to you.

What you say you want is for men to DO more in relationships, or to take responsibility. But what you are really doing is using this statement to try to protect yourself from feeling your pain.

It’s armour. It’s fake and it attracts a man only on a superficial level.

If you have this pattern of blocking everything out in many other areas of your life, this could be the very reason that you are not finding a man who is willing to take care of you.

(Because you’ll only let men in so far. Instead of creating more intimacy, you create more disconnects and push men away.)

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.

When You Feel Like Blaming him, Remember: It’s completely OK to be Angry

Sometimes, when we are angry, we just want the other person to take responsibility, so that we don’t have to feel like we have failed.

Sometimes, it feels better and safer to make certain everyone else knows where he went wrong, and where he should have done more to keep the relationship, because you tried so hard.

BUT do you understand that your frustration that you felt the very first moment he ever frustrated you or angered you, is actually ok?

Do you know that it’s actually ok to feel that anger?

And not suppress it for so long that it ends up coming out as blame and trying to suppress others, because you have felt that your feelings were suppressed in the past?

After a while, when you spend too much time pleasing and trying to be nice to men….your pain over unexpressed REAL feelings comes out as blame.

What else can you do, right? Other than to take a jab at another person? Preferably the man you were with?

If you feel your feelings and anger have been suppressed in the past, you may have been a victim of gaslighting. Find out is you were being gaslit in this article: Gaslighting In Relationships [Examples, Signs & Cure].

Case Study: Learn How our member Alison went from attracting perpetual abusive relationships… …To finally learning the skill of weeding out the wrong types of men, and passing the hardest test of them all… an accidental pregnancy after a month of dating! (…All by learning one simple skill.)

Can you actually express your anger to men?


Whether you should express that anger or not to a man depends on what stage you are at in dating. (Men and women also have different relationship timelines.)

And it depends whether you have both proved your value to each other or not. Those are the specific, tricky questions I try to give answer to in my programs.

Maybe you just don’t trust him enough yet. In which case, express by yourself, to yourself, or with a trusted friend, parent or pet.

If it were me, I tend to go with expressing over not expressing. It brought the right man; my husband, closer to me.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

how to stay high value

Blame In Relationships: Are You Wearing the Armour of BLAME?

Maybe what we want when we blame isn’t a man. Maybe what we want is retribution? Which is fair. But it’s not infinite. It’s not loving. Which is what your heart truly desires.

The armour that we wear….it’s Fake.

Fake attracts fake. A man may give up on you because the armour is too much.

What’s the use in taking care of you, if you won’t even let him?

It doesn’t matter how vulnerable you feel on the INSIDE, it doesn’t add any value when you show up in your relationships with all this armour.

When was the last time you truly surrendered to your pain, instead of pulling away from a man?

When was the last time you truly surrendered to your pain and your hurt, instead of talking residue from your past to your girlfriends – which hurts them, too?

Here’s how to be vulnerable with a man.

The Armour – It Keeps you Single

And it’s the exact armour that keeps you single, on your own, angry, and afraid of growing old alone.

I understand, it would be nice to have a man who is willing to not walk away from you and actually BE there for you when you’re at your worst, every once in a while.

I know, I have been there, and it is the most terrifying, frustrating thing in the world. All you want is some security that he understands and is not going to leave you or hate you for having needs.

But blaming men, or a man, is simply old stuff from your past.


It’s the refusal to surrender to your own fear that you failed and are not enough.

(NEWS: Feeling like a failure is ok. No matter how many times you fail, you are not a FAILURE, it doesn’t define who you are, because you are infinite.)

And you can start living that truth at any time and decide to change from fearing failure, to welcoming failure so that you can move on, and become better, more open and more sensual).

Plus…what you think of as FAILURE, could be someone else’s idea of courage.

So when would now be a good time to feel what you really feel, rather than blame?

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

You are ageing…

I don’t know if you are married or single. I don’t know if you have any loving, beautiful children.

I don’t know how stunning you might be, but none of it matters, because everything you have or gain is eventually lost.

Time steals your looks. Time steals your reproductive capabilities. Quicker than you’d want to acknowledge.

Time takes children away, to some extent (it depends on the quality of the relationship you have with them.)

Time grinds away at your joints, your bones, and you start to regenerate less. You’ll be an old woman soon.

One day soon, you and I will both be old, wrinkly women sipping our tea and perhaps even having urinating accidents. Possibly talking in circles. Which I already do, anyway.


Do you want to be old AND alone?

Or would you rather grow old AND have infinite love in your life?

You don’t even have to have a man to have infinite love in your life. You can have that now, if you feel your anger and pain until it’s done.

Then your body will relax and you’ll flow.

I rather have urinating accidents AND a man to support me through them, and still see me as his lover, his wife, his princess.

The only way to have that is to DROP the urge to blame and start being the real you.

The real you invites a man in to connect further, or it naturally eliminates him (if he doesn’t genuinely like you.)

It signals to him that you are open to him, and that openness signals a little bit of loyalty to him, which opens him more and makes him trust you more and want you more.

But the blame….the retribution that we want to gain only pushes people away. In fact, it scares people.

learn the dark feminine art of High Value Banter here.

Signs you are wearing a lot of Armour

Here are some signs that you’re wearing a lot of armour, so men can’t be let in…

Have you ever said any of these things? It’s a sign you might wear armour and that it is naturally pushing men away.

“I’m in my 30s or 40s, but I don’t look my age!!”

“He left me, but I’m pretty and all my friends tell me I’m attractive”

“Why should us women be the ones to make the men comfortable? Two people in a relationship.. both need to make an effort to understand one another.”

– “All the good men are taken.”

– “Men are so weak these days”

“That girl is pretty, BUT…”

If you find yourself saying these things, know that it is not wrong to say them.

It’s just a way we protect ourselves, it’s a veil, to stop us from feeling our own anguish.

Case study: Learn how Kristin went from being completely burnt out with online dating, sick of getting ghosted and completely exhausted from giving her heart and soul with nothing in return… To having high value men begging for her attention & having the most “electric” date of her entire life. (…All by changing one simple strategy.)

Anguish will always find You…

Anguish might make you angry, but I am sorry to tell you that you must feel anguish in order to attract a good man.

If the extent of your emotional depth as a woman stops at the above statements, if you’re that superficial all the time, then you cannot emotionally inspire men to commit to you.

This is because no man ever sees, hears, and feels your yearning or your pain.

No amount of verbal discussion, having “the talk” or intellectual debates ever inspire men to commit, because men commit based on being emotionally inspired to do so.

In other words, they need to feel emotional connection and emotional attraction with you.

If you can’t allow yourself to focus on these things, then you don’t get a commitment because he is not being allowed in.


To be fair, if you find it impossible to do that, it’s not your fault – it’s simply a pattern of survival.

I know a lot of people seem to make feelings wrong. But it’s usually a lot less than the number you’ve made up in your own head. People are more ok with an honest expression that we anticipate.

For sure, you shouldn’t let nasty, mean, callous men in. But most men want to do good.

Most men want to at least try to do the right thing. Admit that to yourself.

Use it as a mantra or something. Mantras are a reasonable start.

They won’t make a real difference in the quality of men you attract, because a mantra is only a verbal statement.

What makes a difference is you acknowledging your own pattern of avoiding the pain of perceived failure, avoiding the pain of anguish, avoiding the pain of guilt, and avoiding the pain of not feeling like you are enough.

And there IS a lot of anguish you might still have over past failed relationships. It’s ok to feel it.

It’s ok to not feel it as well, and chant that ‘MEN need to take more responsibility for THEIR actions in a relationship!”

Do you have tonnes of questions about men? Find the answers in our program Understanding Men.

You can keep doing that. Nobody will stop you.

But I don’t put blame on men because I don’t even put blame on women.

Blame is a pattern we have within our actions before we enter any relationship.

So you see blame everywhere, because that is a regular part of your world. You read something, you feel blamed. You feel angry.


Nothing has ever been your fault. Fault doesn’t exist.

It is a notion we use and your loved ones use to protect their own selves from their own pain.

It was never about you, even if you were an abuse victim. You couldn’t defend yourself, just as I couldn’t as a child, and that’s not right, but you need to know NOW that you were never to blame, and you never did anything wrong.

So there is no need to make men wrong just so that you feel less wrong. That’s a form of abuse in itself!

Depth of Character is Key

Having the courage to feel makes you real.

And when you’re real, you have depth that invites a man in further. To take care of you. Not just to skim the surface and take some casual sex from you.

At the end of the day, wishing and hoping men would take more responsibility will hurt you. It blocks you from finding your dream man.

Because you’re actually just angry at men from yesterday. Or Yesteryear.

And that residue passes on and is sensed by other new men you might meet, UNLESS it is expressed openly in terms of your true open heart, raw feelings.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

What you refuse to feel, you will continue to confront. Repeatedly.

So instead of trying to shift ‘blame’ on to men (which invites superficial commitment AND can be a form of abuse), tell us here, what is it that you really feel? You are safe to express it here. Swearing and cursing permitted.

It’s good to practice this in a safe space.



(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

renee wade what to do when he doesn't call

P.S. If you liked this article, CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.

If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.

By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.

5 1 vote
Article Rating

High Value Women Group

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
michael w odaniel
michael w odaniel

Feminism made women infallible! They can no longer do wrong! Being a woman means NEVER having to say your sorry!

John Doe
John Doe

And to think that most women in the past were real ladies.


Women today have really changed from the old days unfortunately.


Well as a man which i would certainly say that single women today are really to blame why so many of us men are still single ourselves today since women today are nothing at all like the real good old fashioned ladies that we once had years ago. Unfortunately women nowadays have really changed for the worst of all.


My last guy gave me an STD. I suffered two months of pain because of it, because it was simply passed as a “bladder infection”. I did three courses of antibiotics…the first two courses were the wrong antibiotics. After I got the results of what it really was, I confronted him about it. I asked him if he slept with someone else, his response was, “What does that have anything to do with it?”. At this point, I was getting angry. I then just asked, “Did you at least use a condom?” to which he replied, “That’s none of your… Read more »

Reply to  Renee Wade

Hello Renee, thank you so much for your reply. After much soul-searching, I did realise I was projecting all those things I wanted him to be and conveniently ignoring all the signs that were pointing out to me that he wasn’t all those things. We didn’t have a deep emotional connection, though I thought we were on our way. I don’t think he’s a bad person…he’s just someone who chooses to live like a teenager (his lifestyle choices reflect that too) so when it’s actually time to take responsibility, his reactions are quite reflective of how he chooses to be.… Read more »

Super Janice
Super Janice

Ms. Renee is getting old…but I am only 18 years old (born in June 1998)…When was she born?


I feel this after I read this I stopped and let the pain Im putting at bay about my divorce come over me again. Im for the most part healing, thank God but Im still hurting inside in that I so badly want to find the right guy. I used to date any guy who liked me because I figured if they liked me they would treat me right, man did I get burned this time. I’m so scared and so guarded this time, I’m speaking to someone who seems genuinely nice and therein lies the problem, I want to… Read more »


I always go to your blog when I’m having trouble navigating through my relationship. It’s not that I blame him for things. I have trouble being open and so I keep things to myself. I’m sure to him this looks bitchy. I can’t help it, it was my upbringing and hard to escape from. I told him this and he is not understanding, so I’m back here. Fear of abandonment has always been a big problem for me. If he hates me for something I say or do, or walks away from me forever. Its just this constant risk. I… Read more »


Hi Renee I really love all your blogs even I still make mistake after reading them, haha. I guess I am too impulsive and no patient. I just cut off with some one I love. Some one I feel so much with and just want to love him no matter how long I can have. And I rejected some one who willing to committ and take care of me even he knows I was in love with some one else. We just remain good friends after I rejected him. But recently I found the one I love has his profile… Read more »


OMG I am so guilty, I am constantly blaming men for making me feel bad, I am like the biggest drama queen too. Men in my life have put with my shit for years, and that’s why I am alone know. My expectations are so high, there isn’t a man in this world that could ever live up to them. I am so afraid all the time that I make people(not just men) feel miserable. I have stopped going around friends and for sure don’t go around men because I don’t have anything nice to say, I am like a… Read more »

Reply to  Caaron

Enjoy your cats and nights alone

Reply to  Pmzizi

That was mean! She was being honest and at least noticed and expressed herself, you troll.

Reply to  Star

Mean but accurate. People always need to be reminded of the consequences for their mistakes.

Lalala Poopoo
Lalala Poopoo
Reply to  Luke

Lol…women do not understand that their actions have consequences until it is too late, then they want to blame everyone else!

And people say we NEED a female president. What a crock of shit

Beck Samsworth
Beck Samsworth
Reply to  Lalala Poopoo


Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
Reply to  Pmzizi

Agreed w/ Star, that was a mean comment, at least she acknowledges her problem and seems like she really wants to fix it! I need to work on these issues too.


Renee, I love all of your articles! They are so insightful and I’m so happy to see that feminine women still exist. I was wondering you could write an article on narcissistic men, masculine men and how to tell the difference. I have been with a masculine man for over 2 years and I’m realizing he has some narcissistic qualities. Now that I’m in love with him, it’s harder for me to see the fine line between the two. As a feminine woman, I feel that I am a giver, empathetic, caring and maybe too much…which has contributed to this.… Read more »


What I’m about to say is very hard to admit, was even harder to admit to myself but I find myself insanely angry with my friend. resentful. Man after man she meets them, is apparently head over heels in love then when a better one comes around, she’s out. Now I know she has problems, things she’s running from but I can’t help this sickening sinking feeling I get. I am so livid but really, I’m just afraid. I’m scared that her and girls like her will steal them away. Will capture them before they even have a chance to… Read more »

Reply to  kira

HI Kira, About 20 years ago, I was exactly where you are now, including the friend who seemed to be able to have any man she wanted, only I made the mistake to go for the cheap attention. Well done that you haven’t. KEEP IT THAT WAY!!! I have been happily married for 15 years now, but those days still haunt me, and I wish I could turn back the clock and undo those things. Keep in mind that you are enough, and trust a couple of good men to notice that. If you feel the need to be bitter… Read more »

Reply to  Renee Wade

She used to be adamant about not wanting children, said they ruined your life. I don’t know if she still feels that way, we are not in touch anymore, I moved to a different country. I have her on my facebook, but we hardly converse. I think most people regret not having a family once they reach their 60s at the latest. There is only so much career and partying you can do to make up for it. I wasn’t overly enthusiastic about having children before, but luckily my husband convinced me otherwise. In his culture not having children by… Read more »


My step sister told me I should read your website and over the last few months I’ve read it now and again. I still haven’t had luck in the relationship department having ended two relationships in a year. I have started to look at myself and the reasons I go for insecure men and have realised that I haven’t and really don’t value myself enough to believe I’m worth better.


Gosh Renee, where have you been all my life.

These words are comforting as it doesn’t make any of the pain wrong, but I have screwed myself over trying to be the superwoman/supermom, holding it all in and pretending to be alright. I wasn’t alright, but I had no way to fix this. Or, even know I wasn’t alright cause I was believing that bullshit.

You have established a new sense of living for me.


I feel i was a stupid woman because i belived that he still loves me after the break up. 3 months passed since then and i missed him so much and when we started to speak again he seemed empty and with no interest in me. I feel i will never find a man as i want. In fact, I dont have any idea about what man I want. I want him, but this man has no feelings left for me. I feel it from all my heart that he has no feelings. So what the fuck should I do… Read more »


When you first posted this, of course I was sad because it highlighted what I thought was my failure (something you address in the article). But I’ve had time to reflect and I know you’re right. One clear take-away I’ve come across in your work (and I’m paraphrasing in my own words…please forgive me if I am misinterpreting): if you love him, support him and believe in the choices he makes. Even if they feel hurtful, if you really love and believe in him at your core, even if what you’re seeing might appear hurtful, there’s a really good reason… Read more »


Love this writing so so much, i cant get enough of this

Lalithashree P
Lalithashree P

I sometimes feel, you tell the exact same thing, as my innerself is trying to tell me and I have shunned it so much that finally, when its time for me to face it, I hear it from a source called ‘Renee’. I love your work, keep doing what you have been doing.

lots of love

Lalithashree P

Marj Hahne
Marj Hahne

Hi, Renee — I realize that the reason I don’t express my anger in the moment, with a man, is because I always assume that my anger is residual anger at my father and hence disproportionate to the “offense” at hand. I know I have the psychoemotional “tools” to discern my authentic, legitimately placed anger from my displaced anger, but by the time I’ve figured it all out, the moment has passed, and I’ve processed my raw feelings, and all I have left to communicate to a man is my (masculinized) intellectualization/reporting of those feelings. What’s a girl to do?… Read more »


Renee, your writing always soothes me when I feel restless. It also helps me find the balance between feelings and actions in general. I do appreciate having a space to “vent” here and possibly receive any feedback about my comment. I’m the type to move on emotionally pretty easily, though there is ONE thing that has bugged me about my exes, following the typical “lying to women” pattern. However, they didn’t lie to me in order to avoid confrontation – in fact, their lies would have likely garnered MORE of a reaction from me, though luckily I saw through them… Read more »

Send this to a friend