A lot of people say that women are “too emotional” or “out of control”, and need to get a grip on their emotions.
This is quite common amongst certain male groups such as MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way, or was it Men Gobble Their Own Waffles???).
Here’s my response to a recent screenshot on this topic in my facebook group:
….this sounds like something written by a MGTOW guy.
Please note: (I don’t know what book or article this quote/image was taken from and I cannot find out, as the original poster of this removed the post shortly after it was approved.)
The word control is the wrong word to use…
The issue I have with the paragraph in the image above, is with the use of the word “control”.
Is it really the most appropriate word to use when referring to women’s emotions?
“If you lose control, you will confirm his preconceived notion that all women are crazy and too emotional…”
Well, in case the person who wrote this hasn’t noticed – yes, indeed, in the minds of men, pretty much all women will come to seem crazy. Even the ones who manage to keep a controlled facade for the initial months.
The reason that pretty much all women will come to seem crazy to men is because most men are identified with the masculine. And this bias makes them perceive women and their lack of controlled emotions (sensitivity) as “crazy”.
Sorry Men, But Every Woman Is Going To Seem Crazy At Some Point…
Well, here are my thoughts on this…
I’m not here to bend to what men who do not understand women think is “normal”.
Men who want it easy with a woman will assume it’s her fault for being “too emotional” and out of control of her emotions.
Men see an emotional woman, and they want to contain her and stuff her sensitivity and unpredictability into a controllable box.
Well, perhaps he should try being on a monthly cycle where at times, your body opens the floodgates to hormones that they as men would never experience.
Perhaps he should try being in a woman’s body where she is far more sensitive than he would ever be, for good reason.
Perhaps he should try holding the womb and the eggs, and carry the child, and the vulnerability that comes with that.
Or how about he go through the arduous task of childbirth? What about exclusive breastfeeding?
Sure, not every woman even wants to give birth (many women prefer c sections), and not every woman wants to breastfeed.
But many years ago, women didn’t have this choice, and this task of childbirth and breastfeeding is what women’s bodies were made for.
What about the fact that for the first two years of a child’s life (especially if it’s breastfed), it really only wants its mother 24/7?
If men were to go through these things themselves, perhaps they would start to appreciate the sensitivity, attunement and emotionality required in order to respond to a baby and toddler’s needs successfully.
Women’s responsibilities are not any heavier than men’s…
I am not saying that a woman’s task of carrying a child and breastfeeding it are a heavier responsibility than a man’s responsibility to provide.
Not at all.
In fact, although women expend ginormous amounts of calories on pregnancy and breastfeeding, men spend even more on the task of providing for her.
So, no responsibility is heavier than the other.
But they do often require proficiency in different things. They require our bodies to be built a certain way.
A woman’s body is built to withstand the risk of childbirth. Even though she can provide economically, her body is built to prepare to sustain life.
A man’s body is built to withstand the risk of conquering, economic and physical risk taking, and providing.
(Yes, women can hunt too. Obviously, women aren’t physically as strong or as equipped as men to spend days hunting large game, but our female ancestors hunted what they could, in less intense ways.) I talk more about this in my article “How To Make Him Chase You & Value You”.
So, here’s what I’m saying. It just so happens that for a woman to be a successful, well, woman – she has to be emotional at times.
Else, how would she ever be attuned to her child?
How would she ever be responsive and able to predict her baby’s needs in advance?
Do you really think that being logical and controlled all the time allows a woman to be more feminine and to gain experience in feeling into the needs of a vulnerable infant?
If you’re a woman, you don’t need more “control” over your emotions…
If you’re a woman, it’s ok to not feel like you are in control all the time. It’s ok to be emotional.
It’s normal for men to think a woman is “crazy”, (especially if he doesn’t understand women at all (and doesn’t take responsibility for doing so).
To most men, a lot of women are crazy. To him!
But there’s a difference between the crazy that comes with having changing emotional states as a woman, and the *crazy* that comes with having vile emotional outbursts that are perhaps intended to emasculate a man.
Here is what is NOT ok…
What is not ok as a woman, is to push men away and abuse them due to past experiences that have nothing to do with them.
What is not ok is to blame them.
It’s also not ok to act on our old resentment and make men pay for it.
In fact, here’s an article on Your Resentment For Men….
What is not ok is to take no responsibility in the relationship.
What is not ok is to tear a man down or act entitled to everything he has worked hard for in his life. (Just because we are a woman).
Demanding that women not “lose control” is to demand that they put up a facade
Women have a responsibility to take responsibility too.
However, I would argue that to demand a woman be in control of herself is going to backfire on you as a man.
If you make a statement saying that women should be able to not “lose control” of themselves, what you’re asking for is the exact opposite of what you truly want, which is an emotionally healthy woman.
“Controlling” emotions doesn’t make them go away.
Does a man need to “control” his daily production of 300 million sperm?
And consequently, do you need to control your sex drive as a man?
Or do you just need to acknowledge it, honour it and feel it in a healthy way that doesn’t cause you to abuse women?
If, as a man, you tried to control your sex drive, you’d likely end up being the exact sleazy prick no one wants.
The reason is because rejection breeds obsession.
You can’t change what nature made your body do.
In order for anyone to be emotionally healthy, especially a woman, at times, she is going to lose control and have a break down.
She may even experience more so-called “negative” emotions like hurt and anger.
(Of course, these days, we have things like the hormonal birth control pill that can “control” a woman’s cycle and trick her body into thinking it’s pregnant…but again, that’s a whole other topic of conversation).
If men demand that women control their emotions, they are only asking for the emotional outburst to come at some point.
It’s not the emotions that cause the damage. It’s the act of making them wrong that causes the damage.
The reason for this is because a woman’s emotions are here to serve her and her ability to be deeply sensitive to her children, her family, and her friends (if she has any good friends).
A woman can only take being suppressed for so long.
If men don’t like a woman’s emotional unpredictability, here’s what they can do…
If men don’t like a woman’s emotional unpredictability, they can go date men. I’m sure they may be happier there?
Yes, a woman’s emotions can strip value, energy and time from a man. That’s obvious.
And if she has a pattern of playing the victim, and repeatedly stealing his attention away to extract value, that’s a problem. That is the type of value-extracting pattern than needs to be addressed – quickly.
But to expect her to be fully in control is just completely disrespecting what life is like as a woman.
Women are and always will have an element of irrationality and unpredictability about them. They are not men!
In order to produce children, her body has to go through a cascade of regular hormonal changes within the month to prepare the egg and her womb for that energy-intensive task.
It’s a woman’s job to feel her emotions. (I would argue the same for men, but men’s emotional range is lower than a woman’s. In fact, many men experience little to no emotion at all within a typical day!)
You will only make it worse as a man by trying to force her to bend to your own rules, just so you can have security and predictability in your masculine world.
How the masculine oppresses the feminine…
It is this exact masculine oppression of the feminine that may and can cause women to explode in emotional recklessness.
(Of course, a woman’s emotional recklessness can be caused by her upbringing, her attachment style, and past traumas. These things have nothing to do with her man).
But we also cannot ignore the grave effects of men trying to chain up a woman’s emotions and pretend she should be as empty, or as emotionally even as a predominantly masculine soul would be.
When you try to control a woman’s emotions or make them wrong for your own comfort, there’s a price to pay later on. Even if you keep the peace for now.
No, this is not to say that it’s the man’s fault.
Yet when you expect women not to have changeable feelings, you’re oppressing them.
This is the nature of the feminine…
This is the nature of the feminine. One minute she might be totally elated.
The next, she might feel deeply sad over something she witnessed or felt during the day.
One day she might feel like she trusts you, and the next she may feel less trusting of you, for various reasons.
This is normal. She’s a woman, you are not. This causes conflicts that rightfully makes her feel less trustworthy towards a man in certain moments.
Over time, her trust can be stabilised, of course. But that’s a whole new conversation, and this article is long enough as it is.
Does this mean she should take it out on the man? Not at all. It just means that men should expect some level of changeability.
This is life.
This is part of being a woman and being sensitive.
Demanding that women control their emotions will come back to bite you…hard
To ask her to not feel is to ask her to not be sensitive.
And this oppression, though it may buy a man peace for a while, always bites back harder later on.
Because authentic emotion cannot be pushed down. Indeed, it is not meant to be!
No good woman is in control of her emotions all the time. If she were, a man wouldn’t be turned on by her.
Just as a side note: the only time I remember being completely consistent is when I was exclusively breastfeeding my children. It was a wonderful time. I was predictable.
The hormones of breastfeeding literally turned me into a more emotionally consistent person.
I presume this happens because the exclusive breastfeeding suppressed my normal reproductive cycle.
Otherwise, when on my normal cycle, there would always be two distinct periods. The period before I ovulate, and the period after I had finished ovulating.
At times, I’d be warmer and more loving. At other times, I may seem more aloof.
At all times, I was reasonably sensitive to the world, and to other people’s actions.
I was, and am also sensitive to my husband’s actions, as well as to the overall energy of the environment I am in.
And that’s a part of my job as a woman.
I love learning and having skills, but the truth is, I don’t do well as a woman always being cut off from my emotions.
I don’t do well always striving to reach goals and accumulating knowledge and skills, as men find value in doing.
My biggest job is to feel. To attune. To respond. To nurture. And to be in harmony with what my children and my friends need.
Skills, knowledge, goals and “control” will come IF they are really needed.
Should men feel their emotions too?
In fact, it’s not just women who should feel. All good, successful and capable men have to feel too. They have to use their deep intuition and sensitivity.
Men just lean towards being sensitive to different things than women do, because they generally have different main priorities and internal drivers to women.
Even if they are an entrepreneur and run a business all day long, a man has to feel.
This is because business is an ever-changing world. It’s not like having a 9-5 job. It’s a risk.
And if you’re not feeling where your market is at, you’ll get eliminated very quickly.
Even if a man is not an entrepreneur, a man who is stupidly thick (some may say dumb and unaware), can’t truly do his job, or serve well.
Insensitive, static women have low quality relationships…
I have noticed that as a woman, the less sensitive I am, the worse a mother and friend I would be.
Women who are insensitive to their own emotions will be insensitive to others’ emotions, and that leads her to having lower quality relationships.
Which can then lead to things like depression and an overall feeling that she is unfulfilled.
When there’s time, I will gladly step over into my masculine to explore and deepen that part of myself.
In fact, often, this process is a joy for me. The masculine is essential in a woman’s life. This is not about being feminine all the time.
I have an article on this: Why Being Feminine Is NOT Always High Value.
But until then, I’m a sensitive, somewhat hormonal woman who is not going to always be in control of my emotions.
Last time I checked, trying to be in control is the exact sign of invulnerability.
You know, the same kind of invulnerability that never inspires the right man to commit, because there’s absolutely nothing there for him to take care of or bond to?
I talk about this in my article on How to Get A Boyfriend: Avoid These 3 Things & Get One Quick.
Should women be more dignified when dating men?
I understand that as a man, the last thing you want is an emotionally abusive woman.
Perhaps men want a woman who has enough self respect to be an accountable person. That’s fair enough.
After all, the wrong woman can do a lot of damage to a man’s wellbeing and his life. (She can also do a lot of damage to his financial livelihood if she’s really the wrong kind of woman.)
Also, a lot of the time, men don’t even ask for help when they are being abused by their woman.
Regardless, there’s a difference between abuse and a woman feeling out of control of her feelings.
A woman can FEEL, yet not abuse a man.
Many women may not be very good at this (as their expression always comes out as blaming or abuse).
But that doesn’t mean that asking women to control themselves is a good solution. It’s just a band aid.
….Perhaps not dating the abusive women in the first place is a better choice for a man.
As a woman in this day and age, there’s bound to be times where she is ultimately vulnerable, and therefore can no longer act like she’s got everything under control.
Control is an illusion, and the kind of women who buy into it generally attract the kinds of men they never respect, and will never be faithful to.
The best thing a man can do is to acknowledge that this vulnerability is a part of life for a woman.
This expectation that some men have for women to be consistent or in control, is no different to women making up rules for men.
If you mean “dignified” as in, a woman shouldn’t emotionally abuse you, then sure, I agree and support that notion.
Women who have never taken the time and care to understand men, women who love to play the victim, or tend to never take responsibility for their dating choices, will not be worth a man’s time.
These are the types of abusive women that need to be avoided, even for friendships.
But if men start telling women that they cannot be out of control, that’s heading into murky waters, and I think we need to be careful.
Sometimes the very best thing a woman can do is to acknowledge that she feels out of control of her feelings. In fact, that’s much healthier than making her own feelings wrong.
To speak the truth of her vulnerability is a powerful and healthy thing.
Here’s an article on How To Be Vulnerable Without Being NEEDY.
But to tell a woman she should always be in control and act with dignity may create unrealistic rules for her.
How Women Oppress Men…
Telling women to be in control is no different to women trying to ‘change’ men and expecting men to always be in connection with her.
For example, telling men that they owe her communication such as texts and calls all the time, can be oppressive.
Even when he’s busy, on a hunt, or taking time to be in his man cave, some women cannot handle it! Hence, they proceed to take this as a sign that he is trying to hurt her.
This can be a form of oppressing or trying to “control” a man!
Women need to respect the hunt, as well as a man’s time to be alone or to explore and live in the edge, as the masculine does.
Men need to be men, and I know a lot of women default to wanting to get revenge on their man, when he need’s his emptiness or recharge time.
You can see this attitude in some of the comments on my popular article: Why Men Pull Away & How To Deal With It As A High Value Woman.
In my work, I often see women getting vengeful and attacking her man because he pulled away from the relationship to get some space and time.
And to regain his equilibrium as a masculine soul.
Newsflash for the women: men aren’t women. You cannot expect them to want to be in connection and emotional attachment with you all the time, on your schedule.
All this expectation does is take away from his ability to recharge as a man, and do the things that make him worthy as a man.
Things such as accumulate resources, solve problems, or accumulate knowledge and skills.
And actually, you know, have the opportunity to feel like a man.
Let’s try to always remember that there’s a difference between a woman being vulnerably out of control (because emotions can be like that), and a woman abusing a man, or playing the victim.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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