You want to know how to get a boyfriend. The good news is that it’s really not that hard to get one if you show up high value!
In this article, there are 3 traits to avoid so that you can find a boyfriend quickly, as well as what you should do to know how to find a good guy.
When you want to find a boyfriend, it helps to know what traits to avoid (or what not to do), so that you can present yourself as a high value woman in the dating pool.
Firstly, good on you for acknowledging your desire for a boyfriend, first and foremost.
Even if it’s a secret desire that you keep to yourself, it’s SO important.
A lot of women remain in denial about their desire.
They avoid their deep desire to pair bond with a guy, so that they can look strong, independent or to keep their image of being in control.
There’s no need for that.
It’s great to be independent of course. But the more important thing is to have the capacity for independence, as well as having the capacity for deep intimacy, if and when the context should call for it.
Embrace and love your desire for a boyfriend!
It’s better to know in your heart that you want (or even yearn for a man) than it is to pretend you don’t, because that’s inauthentic.
And if you’re trying too hard to project an image of total independence, then a guy will feel you as the kind of girl who doesn’t need him in her life.
If your habits and body language shows that you don’t need a boyfriend, or need a man in your life then you’ll get exactly that.
Of course, you don’t want to be a clingy girlfriend. That would also negate your attempts to find a boyfriend.
Although, yearning for a man and being clingy are very different things.
Let’s not confuse the two!
How To Get A Boyfriend: Getting A Boyfriend Is Not That Hard
Getting a boyfriend is not that hard. There’s plenty of guys out there who would show you signs he is interested in you. Plenty!
What if they’re just waiting for you to initiate in subtle ways?
What if they just need you to show up in a certain way (ie: initiate by being playful) so that they “get the message”?
Some guys are a bit “thick” when it comes to sensing or picking up on a woman’s interest.
Specifically, they don’t know you’re interested unless you initiate in powerful ways.
So, in this article, I’ll give you the three traits to avoid in order to successfully attract a guy, and know how to find a boyfriend.
We’ll also discuss what you CAN do to get a boyfriend.
Trait To Avoid #1: Low Value Chasing Behaviour
Sometimes when we decide that we WANT something, we take on this energy of tunnel vision.
That tunnel vision or single-mindedness can lead us to chasing a man blindly.
When we take on that tunnel vision, we don’t get the privilege of seeing how our actions look to men.
Consequently, we lose attunement to how men are actually responding to our actions.
It’s Normal To Want Something
Don’t worry. It’s normal to want something. It’s normal to want to find a boyfriend.
Just like it’s normal to want a job, so we can pay our bills and have options in life.
However, whether or not we have a high success rate at achieving what we desire, depends on how we go about it.
The ladies who are successful at getting what they want unconsciously or consciously present with value and add value.
Sounds unfair and harsh, maybe.
But it’s really not. I believe it’s rather empowering to know that you can influence the outcomes in your life by leading with value.
See, chasing blindly because you’ve decided that you must have this man and grab him for yourself (because you are somehow deserving of him), is a problem.
It’s a problem because it gives you this overbearing energy that turns men off, or even pushes men away.
Blindly Chasing Guys Is Low Value
Blindly chasing a man is actually one of the signs that you’re not a high value woman.
I talk more about that in my article 3 things that make you a high value woman to men.
We have all chased something that we perceived as “valuable”.
And that’s what some people in the dating pool are – they’re high value.
They’ve got so much mate value that we want to chase them and keep them for ourselves.
Yet, the way to “get a boyfriend” is not to blindly chase men, because that low value approach will lead you to do things that are uncalibrated, or off centre.
Are you wondering why chasing men is low value?
Blindly chasing men is low value because if your approach to dating is to chase, then you send the wrong message out to the universe and to guys.
Instead of acting in a way that sends the message that you’re naturally high value, you send the message that you are not valuable enough to add value first.
What does it mean to add value first? It means to create emotional connection first.
When you focus on “getting” a guy, and chasing a guy, you’ll do things that are completely uncalibrated.
You’ll do things that may even make men run the other way when they see you.
Remember, don’t chase men. Initiate in high value ways instead..
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
How Kate Middleton Attracted Prince William
I remember years ago, just before Kate Middleton and Prince William were to get married, I read in an article about the approach Kate had towards dating him.
They both attended the same university, St. Andrews.
There were plenty, and I mean plenty, of women at that university who “threw themselves” at William.
However, Kate was the exception. She did not have that approach.
She didn’t throw herself at him. She just kept on with her life as normal.
Hence, some believe this was a part of the secret of her success to being able to bond with and develop a relationship with Prince William!
She valued herself. And the presence of a rich and high status prince didn’t change her behaviour at all.
And here’s why her approach probably worked…
Channel Your Energy Away From Chasing, Into THIS Instead
Kate Middleton’s approach worked because she wasn’t chasing after value. Chasing blindly implies that you’re out to take for yourself.
Again, she kept her own value around a high status man!
When you’re relaxed and sure of your own value, you won’t have that kind of blind chasing behaviour.
Yes, it’s true. Some guys are very desirable. Some men make you want them. A lot.
Think about this. If Channing Tatum, David Beckham, Jason Statham, or Vin Diesel wanted a date with you, you probably wouldn’t say no.
Or would you?
Sure, maybe they’re not your “type” physically.
Even so, their high status and high value is appealing (even tantalising) to most single women.
High value, high status men are desirable to many women.
Be that as it may, you can only get those desirable guys (or any normal every day desirable guy) by leading with value.
When you lead with value, you make them realize your value.
When you make them realize your value, it’s much easier to get them to want and chase you!
To Make Men Realise Your Value And Chase You, This Is The First Step…
I always want you to remember this. This is crucial for your dating life: in the dance of love, playfulness is the first step.
See, there’s nothing wrong with initiating. As long as you are doing it to play, to connect and for the enjoyment of engaging with a guy.
There’s everything wrong with chasing blindly. It is low value behaviour that many of us have fallen victim too.
But don’t worry, it’s just a mistake and it’s ok to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them!
Here’s The “Key” To Getting High Value Guys
So here’s the key.
Instead of thinking “how can I GET him?”, try thinking: “how can I build the connection and attraction with him first?”
To do that, you must start by channelling your energy towards initiating subtly with guys.
It’s totally ok to want them. Want and desire the good ones as much as you want!
Just promise yourself you’ll go about it in the right way (to give yourself the best chances!).
Initiating Subtly Is The Feminine Art Of Adding Value To Guys
So how do you go about it the right way?
You initiate subtly. Initiating subtly is a feminine art.
It’s an art that lets you create openings with men and make it easier for you to find a boyfriend.
In science, it’s actually called “subtle signaling’.
When you place your energy in the right direction (ie: initiating with guys), you’ll show up more high value and you’ll know how to find a boyfriend easily and effortlessly.
By the way, if you want to know whether love is truly in store for you, I’ve got an article that can help you with that: Will I Ever Find Love? Fix These 4 Innocent Mistakes To Find Love.
How Do You Show Up High Value & Get Guys To Want You?
We already established that you show up high value by putting the connection and attraction first.
Initiating subtly is one thing that can accomplish the task of establishing emotional connection and emotional attraction.
Know that those are the only two important things to build.
This is because they are the only things that will make a relationship begin, and consequently grow and succeed.
To put the connection and attraction first, here are some examples of ways to use the feminine art of subtle signalling.
8 Steps To Use The Feminine Art Of Subtle Signaling
Step 1: Initiate in subtle ways like giving a coy smile.
Step 2: Initiate attraction by making eye contact for a fraction of a second longer than you should, and then looking away.
Step 3: You could use a few of the 17 attraction triggers that get a man’s blood boiling uncontrollably.
Step 4: Be smart, and initiate a connection by asking a guy a question.
Specifically, ask about something in which you do not know the answer (but you’re pretty sure he will know the answer).
That would give you a chance to see if he’s willing to invest in having a conversation with you. If he is, great. If he isn’t, fine. Move on.
Step 5: Give a cheeky sideways glance.
A little, split-second sideways glance at a man can create romantic tension and allow you to create an opening with him.
Step 6: Give a genuine smile, indicating your playfulness, openness and feminine softness.
A smile is the single most attractive thing on a woman. When she smiles, she’s radiant. Radiance draws a man in to you. Here’s what feminine radiance actually is.
Step 7: Giggling behind a hand when you speak to him (a flirtatious signal).
This kind of behind-the-hand giggle is a way to initiate more interaction and engagement with a man. It’s fun and playful.
What’s the first step in the dance of love again?
That’s right. Playfulness.
Step 8: A tilt of your head to expose your neck, indicating vulnerability.
The neck is seen as a vulnerable spot on a woman, especially when you expose it to a man.
Again, remember, this is a subtle art. So you may not think much of the gesture, but it is one of the little steps along the way that add up to create the bigger picture: the picture of a mating dance. The beginning of love!
All of these examples of initiating wouldn’t be classed as blindly chasing. They are examples of using the feminine art of subtle signaling.
Want to know the two critical elements that will make or break your relationship with a guy? Find out the two critical elements here.
Initiating Playfully Allows You To Begin A Mating Dance With Guys
Your answer to how to get a boyfriend is, simply, to find ways to initiate the mating dance with guys.
The 8 methods I just gave to you are a great start.
They would be classed as the beginning of a mating dance, or it could also be considered creating an opening for a man to respond to you in some way.
Using high value banter online is also a superb start. Bantering with guys allows you to focus on playfulness as an instigator of love.
CLICK here to discover how online dating has completely changed and why you as a woman need to use “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men online and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”! (…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
(My man David runs this free class and I highly recommend you listen to it.)
Trait To Avoid #2: Emotional Closure
I’m not talking about “getting closure” with an ex boyfriend.
What is emotional closure? It is a sense that you’re not comfortable with your true feelings and emotions.
If you’re not comfortable with your feelings and emotions, the way you carry yourself can look ‘off’.
You might think you are in control and confident, but real confidence comes from vulnerability.
Vulnerability is you being ok with how you really feel, deep down inside. It is the sense that you’re ok digging deep and healing the parts of you that are deeply hurt.
You may not have had the perfect life, the perfect environment or the perfect upbringing.
Perhaps even the people who should have loved you have abandoned you. But you are ok with the imperfection of it. It’s your story, after all.
Emotional Closure = Disembodiment
Now is about the time I’m briefly introducing the idea of embodiment. What is embodiment?
The dictionary defines it as: a tangible or visible form of an idea, quality, or feeling. the representation or expression of something in a tangible or visible form.
When a woman is emotionally closed, then she can’t fully embody her feminine radiance.
Without feminine radiance, you can’t find a masculine man or keep him around.
Harbouring the trait of emotional closure as a woman, means that where you feel safe (your body’s equilibrium) is in insensitivity.
If you are insensitive, then often you’re disembodied. If you’re disembodied, you may almost always be insensitive and cannot “feel” yourself, your emotions or your body.
You see, as a woman looking to find a boyfriend, we already established that you need to present with value.
I actually have a lot of material that I’ve produced over the years on how to be a high value woman. You can check them out at your own convenience.
Not being emotionally closed is part of presenting with value.
When you do have perceived value to men, then guys will be much more likely to ask you out on dates.
You can’t progress with getting a boyfriend without being able to embody your sensitivity, vulnerability and desire to connect.
All those things are naturally what you want as a woman, but they’re also often the hardest things to embody.
If you can’t overcome emotional closure, then you may find that being comfortable within yourself is a hard thing to do.
In other words, you won’t present as high value. Instead, you’ll always be trying to hide away, keep people at bay and run away from intimacy in all its forms.
So what does it mean to go from being emotionally closed to being emotionally more authentic?
It means you’re ok with what you feel and where you are right now.
It means that you’re not just “pretending” to be confident. Instead, you’re actually comfortable living in your own “skin”, even if that means that you ugly cry today.
You’re ok with who you are and what you feel.
No matter how imperfect that may be.
What does it mean to be imperfect?
It means to own your story.
It means you don’t try hard to pretend that you don’t feel (or have emotional responses to men).
It also means that you don’t hold emotions in for the sake of seeming in control, only to later lash out with all that pent up emotion (which just comes across as abusive).
Here’s a popular article I wrote on Should I Control My Emotions To Be High Value?
This Is What Emotional ‘Closure’ Is…
Emotional closure is you giving men a sense that you won’t be valuable for a relationship, because you don’t ever ‘enter’ or inhabit that world of humanness, or the world of embodied feminine energy.
In other words, where there’s emotional closure, there’s absolutely nothing for men to connect to.
If there’s nothing for men to connect to, then how on earth will they ever want to be your boyfriend?
For a man to want to commit all his resources, time, attention and energy to you, he needs to feel like he has something special to hold onto.
That something special is a woman who isn’t emotionally closed off.
She feels! Therefore she’s real, and she is inherently imperfect because she’s at one with her emotions and life.
This sense of being at one with your emotions is far more valuable for creating connection with men than being dissociated is.
Where there is mostly NO emotional closure, there is everything for men to connect to, and develop a relationship with. There’s a sense of feminine softness.
(By the way, don’t take this to mean that being feminine is ALL you can be. No.)
All you need is the ability to access the depth of your own feminine energy. You are most definitely allowed to be masculine as well. We all have masculine and feminine energy within us!
You see, a cold, unfeeling and nonchalant woman who primarily lives her life that way, isn’t high value.
Being cold is only of value when it is right in the moment.
It’s fine to be cold if it’s the appropriate response (in which case, the ‘coldness’ always goes away instantaneously).
Yet, if your habitual posture is that of emotional closure (ie: the posture of an emotionally closed and cold woman), then guys won’t want to be your boyfriend.
Instead they’ll do a thing called “pump and dump”.
They might keep you around in their life, but they will not be likely to fall in love.
This is because men don’t fall in love with emotionally closed off women.
What If You’ve Been Through Abuse & Can’t Be Emotionally Open?
Now, of course, if you are more comfortable being insensitive or dissociated, I don’t blame you. This is not to say that you’re at fault. Not at all!
In fact, if you have a habit of “checking out”, dissociating or becoming numb to your emotions, that’s often due to trauma (perhaps unprocessed trauma) in your life.
However, without proper grieving and processing of trauma, all that unresolved scarring never gets massaged, so to speak.
Without massage, your trauma can’t be released and you can’t be ‘free’ to experience a real healthy relationship!
If you feel you have trauma related to your childhood, or being abandoned, I have a definitive guide on this right here: Abandonment issues: 15 Signs to Test if you Have Fear of Abandonment.
Here’s an article on the 3 Undercover Ways to be More High Value Over Other Women & Get Him to Choose YOU.
A Woman Who Doesn’t Inhabit Her Body Feels Like This To Men…
When we don’t inhabit our bodies, feelings, and sensitivity, often we just feel “dead” to men.
(There will be no depth of feminine energy to add value to his life!)
Here’s an article on How to be More Feminine: 18 Ways of A Soft, Feminine Woman.
What happens is that we perpetually have the energy of a woman who is absent and unfeeling.
Or we have this energy that shows we are always in our heads, and never embodied as a feminine woman.
We weren’t meant to be robots all the time. Some of the time, maybe. And it may be useful to be a robot some of the time.
Yet, for the health of our own feminine soul, and for the health of our relationships with men, we were meant to feel something, and be fully alive.
We are meant to be highly responsive to what men do.
Be that as it may, that responsiveness disappears when we have habitual patterns that lead us to be shut down and checked out.
The responsiveness also disappears if we decide to wear masculine masks to cover up our authentic feminine soul.
How To Decrease Emotional Closure & Increase Feminine Embodiment: 3 Steps
You can actually become more emotionally open and increase feminine embodiment. Here’s how.
Step 1: You can increase connection to your body through engaging your body in movement.
Just move your body as whatever sensation or feeling you happen to notice is actually there in your body.
If you feel numb, move as numbness. If you feel sad, move as sad. If you feel hurt, move as hurt.
If you can’t move, that’s ok. Just keep feeling into your sensitivity as much as you can, and move as the next awareness you have.
Step 2: ‘Release’ numbness by watching a movie or show that gets you connected to your raw, primary emotions.
When you watch these movies, your task is to connect with the female characters, and try to resonate with their emotions. Even if they feel foreign to you.
Here are some good movies to get you started on that…
- The Changeling
- Vicki Cristina Barcelona
- Revolutionary Road
Step 3: You can also become intimate with yourself by asking yourself some intimate questions.
Ask yourself: what do you really feel, deep down in your heart?
Do you feel numb in your body and mind, whilst your heart harbours a deep feeling of hurt?
Ask yourself: does my body feel open to connection? Responsive?
Or does it feel full of tension?
Does your feminine body feel open and sensitive?
Can you feel the joy of having a deeply masculine man look into your eyes, or do you shut off the sensations?
Can you appreciate the strengths of the masculine men in the world?
Or is your mind and body running with judgements, aversions, or resentment towards the male species?
Can you feel pleasure or pain in your body right now?
Or does it feel closed off and numb?
That feeling of numbness is not a bad thing, it’s still a feeling.
Once you acknowledge that and you feel that, your sensitivity will begin the process of deepening as a woman.
That numbness is normal in our modern daily life. So, you are not alone if you feel numb.
However, that numbness, if it’s a perpetual state of yours, won’t allow you to be actually present for relating and connecting with men deeply. It certainly won’t allow you to get a boyfriend.
What is the ONE specific emotional hot button within every man in this world that inspires him to WANT to commit to one woman, want to take care of her and worship her for life? Find out here.
Trait To Avoid #3: Being Boring
What does it mean to be boring?
It means that a person is rigid, unresponsive and lacks playfulness.
A boring person cannot connect with others multidimensionally.
A boring person is sometimes boring because they have too many fears in life.
Perhaps they are boring also because they have too many rules for how they should be or how others should be.
This is a big topic, since there’s many good reasons why someone might be boring and rigid.
For example, if someone has experienced extensive abuse, it will be natural that their body becomes rigid.
The same is true if someone lacks confidence or self esteem.
Or perhaps if someone is living in a state of ever present fear or stress, it will be easy for their body to present with a rigid energy and therefore be boring.
If someone has rules that restrict their connection to all of life, they will be rigid.
If someone has been in a toxic relationship for many years, being playful or interesting will not be their priority.
So I’m definitely not hating on boring people here. There’s good reasons why people become boring. (here are 10 seemingly harmless signs of a toxic relationship).
If You Don’t Want To Be Boring, Don’t Do THIS
Don’t take yourself too seriously. I have more on this topic in my article How to make him fall in love with you: 5 unconventional ways to make him love you MORE.
If a woman takes herself too seriously, can’t appreciate humour, or goes straight to judgement and rejection, she will feel rigid to a man.
This rigidity will be absolutely boring to guys.
Because there’s no depth nor variety to experience with her!
Women aren’t actually meant to be boring to men. And you are already interesting by nature. So it’s really about relaxing into your true nature.
It’s the environment you spend the most time in, and toxic influences that make you boring.
You Don’t HAVE To Only Be One Kind Of Person All The Time
You see, all of us have several different personalities and “flavours” within us.
We just tend to get comfortable with being one type of person, or we assume that only this kind of personality is acceptable and loveable by people.
This gives ourselves a sense of certainty and safety, but it doesn’t allow us to add value, or to connect on many levels with men.
To avoid being boring, you would want to realize that every single part of you has incredible value to give.
Even the parts of you that you deem “unworthy” of love and acceptance.
Remember that every part of you can connect with another soul out there.
There’s definitely some part of you that can find things in common with any man.
So allow yourself to be all of you.
Practice being all of you, by watching movies with female characters who are different to you (or characters that you admire).
Feel what it’s like to be that character and allow yourself to become her.
If you think you should be bubbly all the time, you’ll be missing out on the depth of emotion that is necessary to get men to commit to you emotionally.
If you are serious all the time, you’ll miss out on connecting with men through humour.
If you think you should be nice all the time, then you may not gain the respect of guys because your boundaries will be too weak.
If you restrict yourself to always acting according to outdated rules, you’ll find it hard to be present with someone who is grieving or suffering.
If you think you should be emo or keep people at a distance all the time, you’ll lose your natural sense of playfulness (that you always had as a kid).
How To Get A Boyfriend: Be Multidimensional & Connect With Different Parts Of Men!
Some guys are very connected to their dark masculine energy.
Some are more gentlemanly, sweet and feel comfortable being the nice guy.
Some guys, (the awesome ones) are usually able to be both of these types of men at different times.
Let me ask you, is there a corresponding part of you that could connect with each part of him?
Can you be dark feminine as well as being sweet, agreeable and cooperative?
Great! Then you are more dynamic and easier to connect with. That will allow you to find a boyfriend much more easily.
In fact, if you want to know how to find a boyfriend fast, and get asked out on dates by high value men quickly, then take our free class on high value banter here. You won’t regret it!
Here’s some feedback from women who have been asked out super fast online by using high value banter.
This Is What It Means To Be Multidimensional (Not Boring)
To be multi-dimensional, you need to have the willingness to engage with men (and people in general) on different levels.
If you can find the humour in the painful, that’s a good sign that you’re multi-dimensional and not boring.
Remember, relinquish your rules!
Can you also be highly playful with a man, and still be deep and appreciate his struggles as a masculine soul?
The easier you are to connect with and get through to, the more guys will approach you and gravitate towards you.
Because being around you gives them a feeling that they are accepted.
Not only that, your natural flow between the light and dark feminine parts of you will lead you to have more value to bring.
When you have more value to bring, you will make men realize your value faster, and ask you out quicker.
How To Get A Boyfriend Online
Do you remember from above where we established that in the dance of love, playfulness is the first step?
That’s right. Even in online dating, but especially in online dating, you need to lead with playfulness.
Exude playfulness, don’t be boring
How do you get a boyfriend online? Be playful. Exude playfulness.
You see, it is the playfulness that allows the excitement to develop and the process of the mating dance to begin online.
Most online conversations are dead boring, and lead nowhere.
So here’s what I want you to do to know how to get a boyfriend online…
Initiate more in online dating, and learn to practice playful banter with every single man you can practice with.
Remember, this is a skill. Not a gift!
Not every man will respond well to high value banter. It doesn’t work on every single man, and that’s a very good thing.
Playful banter isn’t just supposed to make you stand out online and get you asked out quickly by high value men.
It’s supposed to allow you to completely weed out all the boring, low value and narcissistic men before they waste your time away!
Whilst weeding out the low quality men, the jerks, the scammers, the married men and the abusive men, you’ll have more success with high value men.
Using high value banter is the easiest, quickest way to stick your way into a man’s life and have him actually want to get to know you.
Let me explain to you why that is in my article on How To Banter With A Guy.
This is much better than ending up in 10 different conversations that are all boring and go nowhere!
If you are dating online, which I hope you are, (because lots of people get a boyfriend online successfully), then take online dating seriously.
The less seriously you take it, the less you’ll be able to find a boyfriend. Not only that, the less seriously you take it, the more online dating will steal your innocence and your sanity as a woman.
Online dating requires a proper approach. (Otherwise you will be heartbroken over and over… don’t believe me? Try it for yourself!)
High value banter is a method of bantering with guys that my husband D.Shen created.
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
It is extremely effective at eliminating the low value guys online and instead, attracting the high value guys.
High value banter allows you to exude high value online, so make sure you check out the free class on high value banter.
I hope this article helped you on your journey to finding love. Remember, your desire to pair bond with a man is a beautiful thing. Embrace it.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.