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Article updated 2018

It’s ok to need a man.

It’s ok because you choose to need a man.

It’s ok to be a mature woman and make that conscious choice to need the right man. A good man.

It’s ok to admit that you do (or have) needed your father. Or at least imply that your father is protective. Which is to openly imply that you allow your father to be in a role where you need him.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Why isn’t it ok to admit that you need a man who isn’t your father? Just because it isn’t cool amongst your tough, “independent”, fake girlfriends? Just because a man who isn’t your father might be more likely to hurt you? Betray you? Or worse, make you feel used?

Well, having that mindset is a very small way to live your life. Sometimes blood family betray us the most and the people who aren’t blood, who we were most scared to trust; surprise us the most with their dependability. It is certainly true in my life.

So why is it ok to need a man? And more importantly, why is it so taboo to admit that? I believe it’s taboo because in general, most women in history and now, don’t have a good understanding of men (with the exception of our female ancestors in hunter gatherer tribes, where women probably respected the role of men more, as women and men were naturally assigned different tasks in those days, and perhaps accepted each other’s biological and genetic strengths a lot more).

And so in the past, when a man did something that his woman didn’t like, they automatically assumed the man intentionally wanted to hurt them, and they blindly influenced the next generation of females to be “self sufficient” and make a Masculine Man LESS important in our lives. Just so they could get back at the men or somehow ‘protect’ themselves.

Why do we need to do that?

Why do we need to make men less important the minute we feel hurt by them?

Is this REALLY the ONLY alternative to SHOWING him that he hurt us?

Or would that just be too honest and too authentic? And fakeness is more desirable?

Many people prefer fake to real, that’s their choice. But why should it be Yours?

Most of the time, men don’t even know they’re hurting us unless we make it known to them. (See this article…)  Many men are just not that emotionally sensitive. Some are, many are not. They are built differently; which means they may not even know what is hurtful to you; since most of what would hurt YOU would never hurt them. The truth is that, yes, some men intentionally hurt women.  Not all.

But I believe you are smart enough (or at least have the freedom to research and understand men so you KNOW which ones are genuine and not) as a woman to choose the right man to trust and need, and learn from your mistakes when you’ve chosen the wrong man.

We don’t have to encourage each other not to be vulnerable. That in itself is already betraying our own sex. Because to live is to be vulnerable.

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

The right man hurting you is DIFFERENT to the wrong man hurting you.

The right man hurting you could just be that he is being a man and didn’t foresee how his actions would upset you.

The wrong man hurting you would be bad because he never cared for you in the first place. It is up to you to choose the RIGHT man who cares for you, and not blame the man for your mistake in choice.

Self sufficiency is overrated…

Self sufficiency is overrated. Self sufficiency is a lie. We need people. We’ve always needed people. We can’t make our dreams reality purely by ourselves.

We are lonelier when we act like we don’t need a man.

Men are ALSO lonelier, and more addicted to other substances and behaviours when we don’t allow them to feel needed by us. To get anywhere you need others, whether explicitly or not.

You’ve had people influence you in your life, male or female.

You may not depend on them to pay for the roof over your head and the food on your table, but they may have once said something that inspired you, that kept you going when you most needed it.

(Click here to take the quiz “How Naturally Feminine Am I?”)

As Helen Fisher, the Anthropologist who has studied the human brain in love says: “‘Men and women are like two feet; they were built to put their heads together.”

It took me years to fully surrender to my Hero, my husband.

And as a result of surrendering to him, and surrendering to the uncertainty of trusting a man, I am MORE of ME. I am more radiant because I know he is there to protect me and I don’t have to hide. I’m more of me because I’m not walking around wearing armour.

Since being with David, I am far less caught up in other women’s BS that they feed each other (eg: you need to follow fashion trends, or the popular ‘leave him!’ the minute he does something remotely to hurt a woman’s sensitivity).

Because of surrendering to my need for my husband, I am stronger because he shares his strength with me. I am 100 times more courageous. I am smarter, because he thinks objectively, which balances my sometimes erratic and often emotional thinking. I am more evolved and authentic, because he sees right through my BS if I ever dish it out, so I can’t live behind armour.

I know that a lot of women don’t want to need a man, or pretend they wouldn’t secretly like to be married because they are trying to protect themselves.

And to that here’s what I want to say –

Getting Hurt doesn’t make everything you had a Lie

Even if my husband did cheat on me one day, would that make the strength he shared with me in the past a lie?

No.

What is a LIE is me telling myself I don’t need him, and closing off to him. Good men really do fear their woman closing off to them. Women don’t often believe this (or even act like they care to even TRY to believe it).

See – I don’t CHOOSE to need a deadbeat, a douche, and I don’t need a narcissistic man, but I need David, my Hero. The only right man for me.

What is a lie is me pretending that by myself I am more of a woman. No. I’ve made the choice to need my man, and because of that, I am more radiant than I would be without allowing myself to need him.

And I believe that women everywhere would be MORE radiant if they allowed themselves to need a good man.

Sometimes, you might be more radiant alone; you might feel more radiant being single. Very few things are true in all situations.

But what I really wish is for you to consider the possibility that your radiance (your feminine energy, your level of attractiveness, and sense of emotional freedom) would increase by allowing yourself to need a good man.

You don’t want to need a murderer, or a narcissist, or a dead beat, or a dumb man, but you might choose to need a good man. A devoted man. And that is your choice.

Needing a Man is not what is WEAK…

People think needing a man is weak. (See my article on how to become more confident with men)

I believe what is truly weak is not ALLOWING ourselves to surrender to our deepest desire to have a protective, strong, caring, masculine man in our life.

Here’s what I believe…

If it’s something we yearn for behind closed doors, and if it’s something we yearn for when we lie in the dark alone in our bed at night, trying to fall asleep, then it’s real. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

It’s weak to pretend that what naturally exists as a biological need in our bodies does NOT actually exist.

Honestly, how long can you pretend you don’t need to go to the toilet and deny yourself of that innate need?

Eventually, it all gets compressed and it has to be let out somehow. Your biological need to go to the toilet won’t wait until you find a restroom if you hold on for days on end.

It finds its way out.

Even if you don’t consciously know it, but pretending you don’t need a man creates the same kind of compression and is then let out in other, pathological ways.

It could be your judging other women who have passionate relationships with a protective man, it could be through the use of illicit drugs, it could be through hurting others in a myriad of ways.

Suppressing any natural need of your own usually equals more hurt than you cause others.

It’s weak to be defensive about this need.

We are all vulnerable.

Just to be alive is to be vulnerable.

Trying to be overly self sufficient doesn’t change this truth.

And by the way, it’s when you try desperately to be self sufficient that you turn the best men away. Usually, good men who want to take care of a good woman don’t feel emotional attraction for women who won’t allow themselves to need him. This self restriction isn’t what attracts men emotionally.

(Click here to learn the 17 Attraction Triggers that naturally hooks a man’s attention to you)

You may still attract men sexually, but they may leave repeatedly. Because there’s nothing to take care of.

When you, as a woman, don’t have the freedom and flexibility to allow yourself to BE that vulnerable part of yourself, your energy becomes tight and masculine. And men can feel that from you, whether you want them to or not.

If it’s ok to surrender to this need by reading 50 Shades of Grey, or any romance novel, why isn’t it ok to choose to need a man for real?

If you don’t need your man, he will eventually seek out a woman who does need him

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: If you are in a relationship with a man who is masculine at his core, and you don’t NEED him, he will at some point, unconsciously or consciously, seek OUT the energy of a woman who DOES authentically need him.

Because he enjoys feeling needed. And because it makes him feel alive to feel genuinely needed by a woman.

My observation is that the bitchiest women in the around, and the nastiest, most spiteful women in the world are the women who have rejected the part of themselves that wants a romantic relationship where they can rely and depend upon a man.

OR the women who are with a man with a weaker masculine energy than they want often also fall in to the same boat, in my view.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

What is your belief? Do you think more women need to surrender to needing a man? Why? Why not?

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P.S. Connect with me on social media.

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Sylvie VachonSuper JaniceAlexAlita Roe-KreischerJessica Wade Recent comment authors
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Super Janice
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Super Janice

Despite I am feminine in my core, I do not need a man today. I am not attracted to men after my 17th birthday!

However, I understand that Renee is more like Snow White who enjoys being with a masculine man. I am more like Maria from The Sound of Music who simply enjoys singing.

Sylvie Vachon
Guest
Sylvie Vachon

But doesn’t Maria fall in love with a very strong protective man?

Alex
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Alex

Renee, I don’t want to critize you personally but I disagree with EVERYTHING you say. First of all “It’s ok to admit that you do (or have) needed your father. Or at least imply that your father is protective. Which is to openly imply that you allow your father to be in a role where you need him.” Comments like that are kind of offensive to single mothers or homosexual couples. What kids and grown ups NEED are loving parents, their gender doesn’t matter. Of course it makes sense in the context of this article because your entire philosophy seems… Read more »

Super Janice
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Super Janice

I do not need a man today.

Sylvie Vachon
Guest
Sylvie Vachon

That is great, that is your decision and i don’t judge you for it or tell you it’s wrong but the fact that i do is also my choice.

Sylvie Vachon
Guest
Sylvie Vachon

There’s a difference between being submissive and/or vulnerable. I could go point by point but I think you are misreading what she is trying to say. Being smarter because he balances her out, let’s be honest, i have hormones and at times when dealing with issues i run with my emotions which are that particular situtation is not needed, my bf can offer advice with the emotion removed which states facts and makes me see how straightforward something is. It also works the other way around, he deals with someone straighforward, i help him see the vulnerablity side of it.… Read more »

Alita Roe-Kreischer
Guest
Alita Roe-Kreischer

For so many years I couldn’t even recognize my need for a man, a deep need. Now that I’ve unlearned and healed from some things in my past. I’m more readily able to admit it. The problem is finding a way to do it without making him feel smothered or that he’s having his freedom taken away. I’m a very independent person, I always have been. I don’t want my independence taken away either. So I know how that feels.

Jessica Wade
Guest
Jessica Wade

Ever since I’ve began to be interested in men, I was drilled that no man is going to take care of me. If I want something done, I have to do it myself. Men are not dependable and you have to rely on yourself. I still struggle with the concept of needing a man even though I am married. I have to be independent because needing a man is considered weak. I wish I could discern between needing a man because he knows I’m vulnerable or because I’m desperate to have attention.

Abbey
Guest
Abbey

Hey Renee and everybody else! I found this wonderful video about men and women that totally supports everything Renee talks about. It’s been put out by Pope Francis. It’s called Understanding Man & Woman | Part 3 of 6 of The Hu…: http://youtu.be/8ZsjjH8euJE

Cheryl
Guest
Cheryl

My husband continuously hurts me. Not physically, but emotionally. He has his online relationships and insists they’re ‘nothing’. If they’re nothing, why have them?? We’ve been married for 15 years and I’ve dealt with this for nearly a decade of it. Yes I love him…but do I really ‘need’ this?? I’m financially dependent on him (which I know is a fluff to his ego) and I’m just starting….starting….to come out of myself here. Don’t ask me what I could be or could have done better. I do and have done all I can, practically everything to maintain continuity and flow.… Read more »

Lisa
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Lisa

I get that I need a man, I really do need my boyfriend. But I don’t know how to need him, or how to articulate it. I need him to show he cares, to take care of me by being there for me when I need him to be there. I don’t know if those needs are enough to make him feel needed? I was upset recently and I texted him asking if he could ask how I was in a bit, and he said he would but he never did. Then he went on holiday and he said he… Read more »

Sian
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Sian

I agree Lisa. What you’re saying Renee makes sense to me… but like Lisa I don’t know how to articulate this or show him. I would have said in the past that my needing him, worries him. That he feels a responsibility he doesn’t know he can fulfil when I need him, which causes stress. Maybe I misread it, but I how do I show him I need him without causing him to worry?

alicia
Guest
alicia

should have written my question under this post – just found this one. Please answer it wherever works for you x

Fiedah
Guest

I think it’s okay to need a man. My problem has always been that I thought I needed men who were wrong for me. Now I know what kind of man I need and that’s why I’ve been single for 3 years.

Super Janice
Guest
Super Janice

You will marry a right man because you know what kind of man you need (You’ve probably married one!)

Anais
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Anais

“Sometimes blood family betray us the most and the people who aren’t blood, who we were most scared to trust; surprise us the most with their dependability. It is certainly true in my life.” In my life, it’s been the opposite and that’s part of the reason I find “being open” and intimacy with non relatives, (both men and women) much more of a challenge. My family, including my extended family, is quite dependable and trustworthy. Yes there were times I experienced pain with them but they have ALWAYS been there for me. It’s always men and women OUTSIDE my… Read more »

Karen
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Karen

I love this article as it is so true. I had been single for a lot of years and didn’t think I needed a man as I had to be self sufficient with no man in sight I did what I had to do. But then Jon came along and he did so many wonderful things for me around my house that I just could not do. He fixed my lamp, my front door, my bed, etc. it was hard at first to allow him to do that but I had to admit I liked having a man do things… Read more »

Sheila Fass
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Sheila Fass

I think it goes both ways…sometimes u show your vulnerability to a man and he distance himself b/c he don’t allow emotions to cloud his judgements. I hate that about me. I want to be desired more by this man I’m dating but he has been holding back on me. He don’t thinks he needs anyone…it seems to me that he just wants to pleasure me sexually but thats it. Spending time with me other than sex does not appeal to him…that is how i feel but i could be wrong.

Heather Vale Goss
Guest

I spent my entire adult life thinking I “needed” a man and it led me into a situation where I was beaten and abused for years. My self-esteem took a nose-dive and the belief that I “needed” a man kept me in the trap. Now I have left him, and divorced him, and I’m on my own with our young son. The universe challenges me daily with things that previously I would have relied on a man for. And despite breaking down in tears sometimes, thinking I can’t do this on my own, somehow I manage to end up doing… Read more »

Sara
Guest
Sara

You just made a mistake and needed the wrong man. If you had needed the right man, and had a happy, fulfilling relationship and marriage, you would still believe intensely that you need a man. We do need men. We just need the RIGHT men.

Heather Vale Goss
Guest

I’m not saying the world in general doesn’t need men… of course it does! 🙂 But I have proven to myself that while at times I want a man (which comes from a place and energy of empowerment), I don’t actually really need one (and NEEDING one comes from an energy of desperation, which makes it all too easy to attract the wrong ones — not just for me but for many women).

Super Janice
Guest
Super Janice

Agree.

Super Janice
Guest
Super Janice

I am authentic but I attract no men.

Super Janice
Guest
Super Janice

I do not believe that I need a man because I am not attracted to men after my 17th birthday.

Adrienne
Guest
Adrienne

Nice Article, I’ve been feeling the same thing, that women need men and men need women. I think all this “I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need a man” mentality is to compensate for back in the days where women were regarded as second-class citizens, objects and basically child-like beings who needed to taken care of emotionally and financially by men. Because of inequalities there was a lack of opportunities for women who mainly relied on men financially to survive. Then the women’s movement came along doors began to open in education and employment and women began to realize that… Read more »

Sara
Guest
Sara

You just made a mistake and needed the wrong man. If you had needed the right man, and had a happy, fulfilling relationship and marriage, you would still believe intensely that you need a man. We do need men. We just need the RIGHT men.

Sara
Guest
Sara

Sorry Adrienne that comment was for Heather.

anja
Guest
anja

The point isn’t to need a man but to want him.

anya
Guest
anya

Hi Renee
I’m wondering that if a man is attracted to a woman who needs him then does that mean he will leave his wife/gf for another woman who needs him more or is more vulnerable? There will always be women who might need a man more than his wife/gf. Does that mean the wife/gf always risks losing her man to another needier woman? Is there any way to prevent this?
Love your blog!
Anya

Dian
Guest
Dian

Hi Renee, this article is so eye-opening because as the eldest daughter in my family I have always been taught to be independent and strong. Now I am in a relationship with a man from my age whose financial condition is (currently) weaker than me (I work and he is still in college), and sometimes I have to cover what I call “dating expenses” (movies, dining, parking fees, etc). This leads my subconscious mind to think that, as a “financially stronger” girl, it would be “selfish” if I don’t “share” my “fortune” with him (yes, I love to share with… Read more »

Mona
Guest
Mona

This is sooo liberating, accepting that I need a man. Thank you.

Kalinda
Guest
Kalinda

“Self sufficiency is overrated. Self sufficiency is a lie. We need people. We’ve always needed people. We can’t make our dreams reality purely by ourselves.” Most interesting statements. I cannot say I agree. If I take a fallen log, then carve it into a thing of beauty that I enjoy looking at, I made my dream a reality purely by myself. If I need someone when they need to withdraw, then my need is unfulfilled, and I MUST be self sufficient. You can choose to need someone, but that doesn’t mean they can always be there for your needs, therefore… Read more »

Kendra
Guest
Kendra

I think it’s absolutely OKAY to need a good man! A man who will treat you right, love you for you, and take care of you in more ways than one? SIGN ME UP! Please do! Someday. I am enjoying my time being 23 and single because it’s giving me the chance to better myself as a woman and to understand men better! And there is progress. I notice I’ve been happier ever since I admitted that I wanted a good man in my life and it shows in how I carry myself. So I’m just taking this time to… Read more »

Mona
Guest

Hi Renee I looved reading your article, but I just have one question..
If my boyfriend and I haven’t had an argument, does it make him less masculine because we talk about our issues? He’s naturally observant, and is a hardworker, yet a bit sensitive.
Any feedback would help.

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