Is it smart for women to look for a rich man?
I’m sure many of us are aware by now, that for the last 5 or more years, there has been a big female “level up” community on the internet.
(Some people call these levelling up communities gold diggers, for those of you who might be unaware).
Every woman is unique, as is every levelling up community, I should imagine.
However, I’ve seen plenty of these ladies come through my facebook group, blog, and youtube channel.
A couple of comments on my youtube channel, my facebook community and on my blog have made me think.
Comments such as these…
These comments revolve around the idea that smart women look for a man with money. A man who can “provide” (because if he can’t, then he’s too “feminine”).
The basis upon which women make the claim that looking for a generous man with money is the “smart” thing to do, is this:
Women who do this will be ensuring that her future children will be provided for.
And that’s “smart”.
Don’t Women Prefer A Man With Money?
Let me first say that since I am a woman, I understand the desire for a man with money.
It’s a base level desire for resources in women that has been proven to exist time and time again.
It’s the most primitive desire of a woman to choose a man with readily available resources.
I am blissfully married to my husband and I’ve been pregnant with his child three times. We have three sons together.
Why is this relevant?
It’s relevant because as someone who has been pregnant a few times, I know that feeling of vulnerability.
I know what it’s like to want stability, security, and comfort, and to have that desire magnified 10 times (due to being pregnant).
Without this stability, my stress levels will rise.
When my stress levels rise, that makes for an emotionally worse off environment for my child or children.
So, I get it.
I’m a woman.
I’m not here to make other women wrong for wanting “rich” men.
You want resources for yourself and your offspring, and that’s not wrong at all.
But I also am not (too) dumb.
I’m not dumb enough to say that women who marry rich men are “smart”.
I think that’s the wrong word to use.
It’s not smart.
That’s just basic desires at play.
That’s value extraction. Not smarts.
Some women say that poor men will just use you to “build” with them, and then leave you.
I realise that some women have also had unfortunate situations where they’ve dated a lazy and poor man who lived off of them!
Situations such as this…
Just because some women have dated poor men and been taken advantage of by such men, doesn’t automatically make women who do the opposite “smart”.
(Just because a poor man left you and took all your money, doesn’t mean all poor men are bad. That’s like saying, “I got sick from eating one rotten banana, and so all bananas must be bad.”)
Truth is this:
People should stop giving arbitrary advice that comes from their own failure to test and to be attuned.
This isn’t about women having been with poor men being more “experienced”.
Just because some women got taken advantage of by poor men, doesn’t mean they’re “experienced”.
This is about women making poor decisions and choosing the wrong men due to their own failure to be attuned.
People who don’t prioritise attunement will inevitably end up hurt, whether they find a rich man or a poor man.
Choosing a rich man won’t allow you to avoid being hurt.
The difference here isn’t choosing a rich man.
That’s not the key factor that makes a woman smart.
What makes a woman smart is her level of attunement to men.
And to be well attuned, you have to feel deeply.
You also have to test a man a lot at the start.
(In fact, I have a lot of content for you on how you can test men. For now, you may begin with my article How To Test Him To See If He Cares.)
Is It Dumb To Date for Love?
Smart is something else altogether.
A lot of women assume that it’s smart to look for a generous man with money, because they contrast it with a woman looking to marry for “love” (which they deem stupid).
It’s not stupid.
Just because you think a rich man will make sure your children are provided for.
What about your role as a mother?
What about your own resourcefulness in actually raising said children?
Money can’t make a great mother.
A mother’s own resourcefulness comes from her own emotional attunement and a quality, loving relationship with their father.
In fact, it’s the women who fear abandonment and who have abandonment issues who are often the ones saying it’s “dumb” to marry for love.
They’re terrified. They’re jaded, hurt and angry, and they just won’t admit it.
These are often the women who are scared, emotionally distant, emotionally unavailable, and invulnerable.
Not to mention, dating for love or automatically makes you more likely to consider adding value to the other person, rather than just having a taker mentality.
A value adding mentality is one that will allow you to find real love.
Maternal, Nurturing Women Do Things Smarter
So, let’s talk about the act of searching for a generous man with money and status.
Does the act of looking for a man like this make a woman smart?
Well, first of all, any woman who is truly nurturing and maternal in nature wouldn’t make such a statement, and here’s why…
Maternal women would be acutely attuned to the fact that her children need an emotionally committed and hands-on father.
A rich man, even if he’s your husband, doesn’t = emotionally committed.
Remember, men who are emotionally committed to their woman will be emotionally committed regardless of marriage.
It’s about how they feel about you, rather than the external image they’re willing to give you.
What’s more is this:
Women who date first and foremost for money (whilst shunning love), often are NOT the women who stand out to men in a good way.
This is because they either don’t have a strong maternal instinct, or they aren’t leading with their maternal instinct.
And for attuned men, a woman with no maternal instinct = not worthy of emotional commitment.
Women who lack nurturing and maternal instinct usually show up more cold.
That’s obvious to any smart man, who may very well be sensitive to the fact that women who date mainly for money have a taker mentality, and can also be callous.
I don’t care how rich your man is, he cannot pay a nanny to be attuned to, or care about your children.
I don’t care how rich your man is, he cannot pay you to be more maternal, more securely attached (and therefore be a better mother to your children).
And he certainly cannot pay you to be hyper-attuned and responsive to your baby.
No amount of money can truly change the emotional patterns of a mother or father.
This is because patterns are learned during childhood, through the influence of our parents and caregivers.
Only attunement, investment and care on his part would change a woman (or a man’s) relational patterns.
Should Men Look For Young And Perfect Women?
Women saying that you need to find a rich man because it’s smart, is like men telling each other that it’s smart to spend all weekend pumping and dumping.
It’s also like saying it’s “smart” for men to find a woman who is very young and perfect looking.
Both pieces of advice pertain to superficially “safe” strategies of reproducing and looking for a mate.
Yet both of these reproductive strategies, though they are widely used, aren’t smarter.
If men look for the youngest and most perfect woman they can find, that only seemingly gives them a safer bet.
I get it.
Younger, more perfect women in a very general sense means a safer bet for men.
This is because they don’t control the ‘womb’ in which their child is grown.
Therefore, they need to go by external signals in order to best ensure the health of their offspring.
However, it’s a superficial bet.
The truth is that a man reproducing with a perfect looking woman cannot guarantee the health of their offspring.
It especially cannot guarantee the commitment level of the woman to being a mother.
It just gives you a surface feeling of security.
In fact, if a man is just looking to secure a trophy wife, then she will not be emotionally committed to him or his children.
Because he’s just looking to take!
Do Takers Ever Form Emotional Bonds?
When you’re looking to take, the emotional bond is never there.
Also, when you’re a taker, you’re very vulnerable to being burned.
The same is true for women looking for a rich man.
On the surface, this looks like the safer and therefore the “smarter” bet.
But it is anything but.
When you have a taker mentality and you’re only focused on yourself, you lose attunement.
When you are a taker, you are going to get burned no matter what.
Because you won’t be attuned enough to pick up on important information along the way.
Being emotionally generous is actually a far better strategy for revealing a man’s intentions.
And I talk about that in my controversial article and video “Why It’s High Value For A Woman To Offer To Pay On The First Date.”
A Rich Man Does Not Equal A Resourceful Man
I’m sure you’d agree that rich men don’t necessarily make great, committed fathers or emotionally committed husbands.
There are far too many narcissistic men out there who are rich, but never earned a dime of their money.
There are also far too many rich men out there who use their money to manipulate the women who just wanted their status and money.
The same is true for poor men.
There are plenty of narcissistic and abusive poor men out there too.
So the juice is not in how rich and high status a man is.
If you want to explore this topic further, I’ve got the perfect article for you: Can A Broke Or Jobless Man Still Be High Value?
How Smart Is it To Marry For Money?
Many women follow advice to choose a man for his financial status.
But is providing financial resources more important than providing emotional resources?
Is providing financial resources more important than a man providing deep attunement to where his own children are at emotionally?
Is providing financial resources far more important than him caring to educate his own children on the things that matter?
(Many men assume that all they need to do is to provide financially).
They don’t actually raise their children emotionally and psychologically.
So, the act of prioritising a man for his money doesn’t make a woman smart.
If I were a woman wanting to search for a generous rich man and to marry for money, I’d ask myself two questions:
Question 1: “do I have any clue what it feels like to be pregnant with a child, to carry that child to term, to birth it naturally, breastfeed it exclusively, and to take full responsibility for raising it thereafter?”
(ie: you are fully responsible for the emotional, physical and psychological wellbeing of this dependent human, and don’t ship baby off at 6 weeks old to daycare).
Question 2: “Have I considered the fact that I would make a much better, more committed mother to my child, if I actually fall in love with a man and give birth to the child of the man whom I love?”
What Is The Cost To Choosing Money Over Love?
A lot of women don’t want to acknowledge this, but the truth pill is hard to swallow:
We all would do more for the child of someone whom we love, that we would for the child of someone we don’t love.
If your goal is to find a man to take care of your children, then wouldn’t love matter to you?
But a lot of people in general, are too invulnerable to fall in love.
So they rationalise their bias of gold digging preferences with being “smart”.
It’s not smart.
It’s just an instinct; we all have it somewhere within us.
Here’s what I believe:
Women who are in love with their man and who are invested in their man emotionally make more attentive and invested mothers.
This is because she cares.
It’s because she’s invested in the father and loves him.
This love and care then transfers to the child.
The reason I mention this is because sometimes when I hear from women in the level up community, they often use this argument:
It’s smart to get a rich man, to ensure your children are provided for.
Well, first of all:
How do you define “provide”?
Because there are many levels to providing for your children.
Many of which require an emotionally healthy and securely attached mother.
Do You Really Think Money Raises Children?
Money is an important, but small portion of providing for your children.
Money is a tool.
It pays bills, provides food on the table and tickets to various places.
But money doesn’t ever raise children.
It’s the quality of the humans that raises the children.
It’s not until I had my own children that I realized just how much more resourceful a mother I could be, due to the fact that I’m in love with their father.
Let me explain why…
The times where I’ve grown tired of rocking my babies to sleep for hours, days, weeks and months…
The times when my feet and heels, knees, traps and spine were aching so bad that I wanted to put that baby down…
Those were the times I had to dig deep to find more resources within me to keep going.
My physical body wasn’t holding up.
So I had to find emotional resources to keep going.
I didn’t want to give my babies a pacifier or hire a nanny.
So the best resource I had that kept me going, was the thought of not letting down their father.
In other words, emotional resources.
What was it about him that kept me going in the rough times?
It was my love for him.
And it was his vulnerability.
(Yes, it’s also important for men to show vulnerability. Men who are never vulnerable are very hard to love).
The thought of my husband being so emotionally committed to each and all of our children, even as newborn babies, when he had no breasts to breastfeed.
The thought of his vulnerability in providing for us so completely.
The thought that if he were in my shoes, the desire for comfort wouldn’t stop him from continuing on.
The thought of him trusting me to mother his children.
The thought of how much I loved him and wouldn’t want to let him down, or the team down.
We are doing this for our children. Not ourselves. Because no one else would ever take care of them.
Together, we’d get through this, and I’m not one to back out.
(Yes, I’m heavily invested in my children’s father. I’m proud to say it.)
Imagine If I’d married Him For His Money
(He had no money when we met anyway…and neither did he for the next 5 years…)
It’s not until later on that he made plenty of money.
What if I had married him for his ability to get me first class plane tickets?
Or his ability to purchase the best seafood money can buy? (both of which he has provided to our family)
My children wouldn’t have the type of parents they do have, because we wouldn’t have been through what we had been though together.
And therefore, my life wouldn’t feel as successful overall.
Because success isn’t measured by how much money is available to myself and my children.
Success is measured by the types of people that my children children turn out to be.
Success is measured by the emotional and physical health of my grandchildren. And my great grandchildren, the future generation.
And only a parent’s emotional commitment, and emotional resources can really turn children into resourceful, esteemed adults.
No amount of money will produce securely attached and resourceful adults (who can then produce their own emotionally resourceful children.)
Only resourceful parents will.
And resourcefulness is usually built through tough times, financially and emotionally.
It’s not built through luxury.
Because constant luxury and abundance can breed complacency.
I say this as a wife of a poor man who built his own successful business. He was living on peanut butter sandwiches when we met!
Why Solely Gold Digging Reduces Your Potential As A Mother
So, finding rich mean means your children will be provided for, hey?
Well, I know we now live in a world where the “better” or “worse” comparison is a sin.
It’s not very socially acceptable to talk about being better or worse.
Even though ‘better’ or ‘worse’ has been a basic comparison for humankind since…forever.
Despite this painfully politically correct world we live in, we all still quietly harbour a need and desire to strive to be better, more outstanding and to have more resources.
So I won’t apologise for comparing better or worse parents.
Because if there were no better or worse, we wouldn’t care.
And I think most people would agree that there are some terrible mothers and fathers out there.
(You may have experienced this yourself.)
I’m not here to judge them.
It’s not my life, it’s theirs.
And I know they have every reason in the world to be the type of parent that they are.
I’m just here to talk about the truth.
And the truth is that women dating for rich men are takers.
Takers emotionally invest in nothing and no one.
This is why women who date for money, and men who date to f*ck everything that walks, are frowned upon by the opposite sex.
Because they’re only serving themselves.
When you only serve yourself, then your relationship and your children inevitably suffer.
Yes, even if you serve yourself enough to get lots of money or sex.
It’s simply not enough to nurture children.
Nurturing Comes From Emotional Resourcefulness, Not Money
Recently my 8 year old son woke up in the morning, and we gave each other a morning hug as we usually do.
Then, he asked me if he could have another hug very soon after.
I said to him “Yes of course, didn’t we just hug each other?”
He said “Yes mum, but I like hugging you. I feel safe when I hug you.”
The kind of safety that he’s referring to wasn’t a roof over his head or having any food he could possibly want.
It’s that safety that only a mother can provide.
(If she is already securely attached and emotionally resourceful herself.)
The point of this story is to show you that the depth of nurturing provided by a mother can only be provided due to her own and her husband’s resourcefulness.
You may think that a hug is easy to give.
I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that.
But in reality, in many families, it’s not that easy to give.
Especially when the child’s need for it is not quickly perceived.
In some families, such affection is non existent, due to something I mentioned earlier: the mother and father are not securely attached themselves.
When a mother or father are insecurely attached, they cannot provide attunement and affection in the way that a securely attached parent could.
Money in the bank or not.
Why Does Looking To Take From Men Make You A Worse Off Mother?
Because you don’t emotionally invest in the relationship with the man!
If a woman is with a man for his money, then she started off her mothering journey from a more detached place.
This detachment and lack of attunement will transfer over to her mothering.
Hence why you see lots of rich kids turning out less than admirable….even killing themselves, or other people.
There’s a reason why romantic love and pair bonding exist!
It’s to form a necessary emotional bond between the mother and father.
This ensures their commitment to each other.
It strengthens their ability to parent any children that they may have together.
I’m not here to tell you that it’s wrong to date for money, or to want money.
Myself and my family have plenty to live on.
So it’d be hypocritical for me to turn around and say that it’s wrong to want to have money.
Money is important to an extent.
What I AM saying is that you cannot approach dating with a taker mentality, because you’re digging your own hole.
And this goes for women OR men.
It’s Silly For Men To Think All They Need To Do Is Provide A Pay check!
Back to our conversation about “rich” people…
A lot of rich people assume that the best thing they can do for their kids is to pay a top tier daycare and find a top tier private school.
Or even boarding school.
Neither of which makes one iota of difference to how emotionally healthy and securely attached your children will be to you.
Having the child of a man you were never in love with, only ensures that the emotional, physical and psychological commitment that you give to your children will not reach its full potential.
This is because those mothers who have a highly attuned, deeply loving and trusting relationship with their child’s father, will have more emotional resources.
But Doesn’t Dating For Love Lead To Hurt & Heartbreak?
Some say that me advising women to date for love is irresponsible.
I am not suggesting that women date for love blindly.
I’m saying, don’t detach from surrendered love, due to fear.
Don’t trust money over love, due to your own lack of willingness to be attuned.
I am saying, without emotional attachment, you wouldn’t be half the woman you could be.
Women are meant to be attached, and if you remove that emotional attachment due to fear, then you will be MORE likely to end up burned.
Because you cannot calibrate yourself to who a man really is, without attachment.
The more attached you are the more emotions you feel.
Therefore, the more in touch you are and the more your body is able to let you know if he’s a bad egg or not.
If you want to keep your femininity, then keep your sense of emotional attachment.
Yes, it feels more intense.
Yes, it makes you more vulnerable.
But that doesn’t mean it’s bad for you.
Let it guide you.
Without it, you’re not really a woman.
Use it to help you screen out men early, instead of detaching emotionally, or becoming passive in dating.
I’ve made a whole program on this. It’s called High Value Attachment.
Also, I have a little news for you:
Life equals heartbreak.
Remember this quote from C.S Lewis?
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
The More You Need Something From The World, The More You Suffer…
Smart women are attuned to men.
Therefore they also look for attunement in their man.
Because a lot of the time, the more you go out into the dating pool looking to take something, the more you’re going to be abused or taken advantage of by men.
Especially the rich men who are already narcissistic or abusive.
The more desperately you need something from the world, the more the world backhands you.
And I don’t say that from a “karma” perspective.
This is not about “Karma”.
This is about the fact that when you are always needing to take something, you eventually find yourself eliminated.
Humans gravitate towards value.
Nobody gravitates towards takers, unless they themselves want to manipulate the taker.
Instead, the more attuned and value-adding you are, the more value will naturally come back to you.
The More Love In Your Relationship, The More Love For Your Children
The resources you’re able to give to your children are in direct proportion to the emotional resourcefulness of your romantic relationship with their father.
If you marry a man just for money, you are saying that you want the ease and comfort of a great lifestyle.
Nothing wrong with that!
But if you say you date for love and money, you are kidding yourself.
That’s like a guy saying
“I want to date FOR sex and a loyal girlfriend at the same time.”
If he wants a loyal girlfriend, he’s going to have to show up a hell of a lot differently than how he would show up if he was going to date for sex.
This is because no loyal woman is going to give her loyalty, if he just wants sex from her.
(Of course, some pleaser women might seem to give him loyalty on the surface, but it’s not actually loyalty, because she’s in it for herself and her own need for his approval.)
If you want money and love…
You can HAVE both, potentially, but you cannot date for both, as they will have you showing up differently.
I’ve explained this further in my article “Women Who Date For Resources Vs Women Who Date For True Love.”
(Which, by the way, garnered so much hate)
But let me tell you one reason why they may hate.
It’s because in the case of some of these women, the truth is this:
So if you can’t marry for love, then you have to settle for money.
But think about this:
Just because one woman FEELS like she can’t get better than the $2 McDonald’s hamburger, doesn’t mean other women can’t aim for the rib eye steak.
And the rib eye steak doesn’t come in the form of just some rich guy.
It comes in the form of a truly resourceful, esteemed, committed guy.
Resourcefulness will stay with him, because it’s a character trait and it’s a skill.
Riches won’t always stay with him.
How many rich men have committed suicide because they lost their wealth in a bad environment?
Here’s an example for you.
In the 2008 GFC (Global Financial Crisis), there was a German man named Adolf Merckle (whom you can read more about here), who was a billionaire.
He lost some of that money due to the financial crisis, and so he committed suicide.
But get this: at the time of his suicide, he was still a billionaire.
This is no joke.
Is this resourceful?
Is that still your ideal husband?
A rich but dead one?
If yes, then, ok…
I won’t argue with that.
Never forget this:
If you want a good life, search for a man who can provide.
If you want an infinite life, search for a man who is attuned to you.
“A Man With Money Is A Sign That He Is Resourceful & Ambitious”….
Months ago, I wrote a blog article on “Can A Broke & Jobless Man Still Be High Value?”
And in it I asked….is having money more important than having ambition?
Also, I asked, is having money more important than resourcefulness?
It seems that some women have gone on to make the statement that a man having money means he is resourceful and ambitious.
That’s only true when it’s true.
It’s not true when it’s not true, right?
That’s like saying a stunningly beautiful woman must be very fertile and produce super healthy babies.
That’s not always the case.
It is more likely to be the case of course, because she is probably more healthy in general.
But it’s not always true.
Every day we see stunningly beautiful and young women unable to conceive.
And we also see very overweight, average looking women produce robust, happy children.
So, remember this….
There are plenty of men with money out there. Really.
I mean rich men who never earned a dime of it!
And who could just as easily lose their money should the right economic slap come their way.
Think for example about the boom of rich Chinese people as an example.
At the turn of the millennium (early 2000s), there was a sudden change in the property rights law within the whole of China.
What this created was a sea of extremely rich people, based solely on where you lived.
And this is due to the fact that previously, there were no private property rights.
(The government owned everything!)
That changed literally overnight – along with the property prices, which shot up.
So, people who were basically poor one day, ended up rich the next day.
We’re not talking about people going from poor to middle class here.
We’re talking about poor people going straight from poor to rich, in a short period of time.
Can you imagine what this created?
It created (or magnified) the ill will and bad nature in those who were already bad natured.
This created a legion of rich people in China who were entitled, arrogant and felt like they were above the law.
They didn’t appreciate the position they were in, because guess what?
No one who has never earned their riches appreciates what has been handed to them on a plate.
So, imagine yourself getting married to one of these guys. He’s rich on the surface.
But how rich is he really on the inside?
How resourceful is he on the inside?
Resourcefulness and riches do NOT always go together.
They are more likely to occur together (in theory).
But it’s not a given by any means.
Don’t expect that a man with riches and a high social standing will just be resourceful…
In fact, it is the process of earning your money that often helps increase your resources.
Provided you’re not just sitting back in an easy job that pays 300k a year.
A Man’s Financial Standing Doesn’t Equate To His Resourcefulness.
It doesn’t equate to his ability to emotionally be there for his kids.
In fact, the men who think that all they need to do is go to work and bring home a pay check are often the most difficult.
Because they leave their already burdened wives with the bulk of the family work. The work that really keeps a family going.
Do you appreciate a man who thinks that all he needs to do is bring home a big paycheck?
That’s your call.
I will end by saying once again:
If you want a good life, search for a man who can provide.
If you want an infinite life, search for a man who is attuned to you.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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