Article updated 2018
I know that you have a busy day. Just give me 60 seconds and let’s to this quick little exercise. Think about a time where you felt incredibly beautiful. and feminine.
Even if you don’t feel beautiful now, you are courageous enough to feel what it was like to feel feminine and beautiful in the past.
So, just focus on a time where you just felt beautiful and feminine. I don’t mean attractive, I mean, beautiful and feminine. Attractive is too objective a description for what I’m talking about here.
How did you breathe when you went to that time when you felt beautiful and feminine? How did you feel, in your body? How did your skin feel?
In my bias, I feel that when we feel beautiful and feminine, we generally feel a softness in our body. A feeling that our bodily energy is circulating freely, and in a lively way, all through our body, giving us beautiful movement, and swaying hips. This is soft, not angular and directed. It’s also alive.
Contrast with feeling in control and powerful
Now, take a quick moment to do this 30 second exercise. Contrast the feeling of being beautiful and feminine with the feeling of being in control and powerful. What was the image you had of yourself, when you thought of being in control and powerful?
Was there any tension in your muscles? How did your body feel then? And how did your skin feel?
(Do please share in the comments below, what images you instantly got in your mind when you thought of feeling powerful…)
What were you doing in the image in your mind?
Where were you going?
What are you wearing?
What is the look on your face?
For me, I’m walking down the street in a tight, mid length skirt, wearing heels, with tidy hair and nice heels. I’m walking down the street like I have a mission and like I’m in control of my own finances, career, and destiny.
Now, this is all very innocent.
This feeling of being powerful and in control is a gift that has been given to us through women’s liberation, and through our female ancestors wanting equality in earnings, voting, career…and whatever else they wanted equality in.
Moreover, this feeling of being powerful is a great gift we’ve given ourselves, showing all women everywhere that we are strong enough to provide for ourselves if we choose do to so.
Nowadays, we have more choices than ever, and in America, women CEOs made 40% more than their male counterparts in 2010.
Only, I have a problem.
I have a problem with thousands of women in my surveys, telling me that they are missing someone special to spend their life with. Telling me also, that getting commitment from men is harder than ever.
You are also suggesting to me in your survey responses that you are successful in your career, but feel deeply alone inside.
So, essentially, every opportunity has a cost.
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The opportunity cost of being in control of our career, finances and lives
With the opportunity of feeling strong and in control, our sisters and daughters get wonderful futures that they don’t have to rely on a man to give them.
That’s great, only, the big costs with that are:
1) It’s very difficult, once we have practiced embodying a certain masculine energy, that we can then go and practice embodying different energies such as surrendering to our softer, flowing, feminine energy and letting ourselves be open to the strong direction of a masculine man; because we have learned to meet our needs by being in that habitual practice and we dis-own the softer, flowing energies.
2) If we are born more feminine than we are masculine in our DNA…our hearts and souls are actually suffering from not having that freedom to be in our feminine. In our biochemistry (roughly 80%) of women are feminine in their core, and as much as we CAN influence our biology, we can’t really change our DNA, as we’re born with it.
3) Doing masculine things, (you know, that feeling we went to in that exercise before – being in control and powerful?) can dull our bodily energies and create great stress for our feminine hormonal balance, and our beauty. Feminine energy doesn’t thrive on challenge, and when we throw ourselves in to this highly challenging environment, we get good at doing things that involve focus and direction, BUT it doesn’t create the optimal environment to allow us to develop our feminine energy.
There is a study right here, that is of no surprise to me, it’s something we knew all along:
The higher the level of stress hormones in a woman, the less attractive her face was rated by men.
Now, at the end of the study, it says; ‘our study shows that if a woman wishes to look attractive, she should try to keep her stress levels down’.
And in another study done in Australia, they found that the stress of being in a job that we don’t like is much worse than having no job at all. Again, the STRESS of being in a job that we do not like is worse than the stress of having no job at all!
Doing masculine things gets us good at being masculine
Doing masculine things gets us good at being masculine. I know that is not very scientific to say that, but I believe we all can see that as human animals, we just get better and better at doing what we habitually do.
Can I give you some theory on this, too?
Masculine energy become greater, more masculine, through challenge. So, it thrives on CHALLENGE. Often, though, challenge creates a stress in the body that men who are masculine can become extremely skilled (and sexy) at dealing with.
The better men get at dealing with this, the hotter they are to us.
However, women who are born more feminine at their sexual core….our feminine energy doesn’t get enlivened with challenge or stress.
But…a lot of our jobs involve a lot of challenge and constant ‘go, go, go’ type of stress. Even the kind of jobs that cause us to have to push our emotions down can be problematic, unless we go home and actively make the time to re-live those emotions and let them flow through our body so we don’t end up with a back-log of fight or flight responses.
So, whilst our jobs are super important and career-minded women are wonderful and inspirational…neglecting our feminine is quite costly for our intimate relationships.
Doing masculine things can create disease and dull our beauty
When I spend time consulting with women in high powered (sometimes very public) careers who haven’t have as much time for their relationship as they do for their career, some part of me thinks about something I heard once somewhere. Something along the lines of….when women spend a lot of their day working with men, it can start to cause stress in their bodies and this can potentially also cause disease in their body.
Often, these jobs become all that we know, because we meet so many of our needs this way. And this is the problem we have as women. The problem is NOT that we work in masculine careers. It’s that we meet all our needs (eg; the need for significance and feeling worthy) through our masculine career…which, by default tends to put the needs of our core, our heart and our soul, on the back-burner.
From experience, back when I did my Law degree, not only was I more ‘tight’ in my body and more prone to illness, but I just wasn’t feeling as happy. Clearly I was meant for another career.
Back to feeling powerful and in control
You remember that feeling of being on control and powerful? Remember what it feels like in your body?
Well, it’s a directed feeling, a lot of the time. It’s the feeling that you’re going somewhere, that the energy in your body is constricted and gathered in to a tiny ball of energy, when, in your natural state, all the feminine energy within you would be flowing to your toes, your nipples, your lips, your eyes, your hair, and mainly, the energy would gather around your hips and bottom and thighs.
To do anything that requires masculine energy – most careers are masculine oriented, especially careers that have a lot of status attached to them such as being a lawyer, and careers where you have to meet deadlines, manage and direct people, and career where you have to fix things.
This can be healthy, and it’s very good to be able to be feminine and to be masculine. There is a beautiful gift in being this free to be both.
Only, sometimes, having a career and feeling powerful can feel totally obsolete and it can get old.
What about the freedom to identify with being a total Goddess?
What about the freedom to identify with being a total Goddess?
It IS very important to many women to have a high status job, or just a good career altogether, so that they can provide for themselves. Only, we tend to attach a lot of our identity TO that job – and so, in that process, we dis-own our native feminine identity.
What about your freedom to be and feel like a feminine goddess?
Authentic women’s power is not only in her ability to be in control of her life, you know?
If you’re in or near my generation, you probably grew up with this image of powerful women being CEOs and politicians. This is great!
However, the kind of power that makes us feel truly powerful is the depth of power that we access when we don’t deny our core drivers and core needs.
The alternative isn’t a submissive woman, but an attuned goddess
The alternative isn’t a submissive woman, but an attuned goddess.
If you’re more feminine at your core, real power is felt when you are able to surrender to your heart’s true desires rather than following the shell you might have created for yourself over the years to be enough for people.
Real power is felt when we surrender to a man who we trust sexually and spiritually. Out of choice, we choose to be taken, made love to so that every part of your body is wild with pleasure and the deliciousness of surrender and trust.
This is a beautiful gift that a powerful woman can give to herself and to her man.
Unless we are truly masculine at our core, often, the ‘power’ of being in control and the ‘power’ of having command over our finances, over our lives, our destiny, and the fight we fight to get there, is just such an unfulfilling kind of power when it’s not coupled with the power of a woman surrendering to her deeper drive to love a man deeply.
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Being in control is even better when coupled with the power of feminine surrender
Being in control is even better when it’s coupled with the power of feminine surrender.
The reason being in control and having financial and career and managerial power can be even better when coupled with the power of a surrendered, but open and beautifully juicy woman is because, at the deepest core of our feminine, we are actually meant to be in tune with our feelings, emotions, senses and intuition.
When we can cultivate our feminine energy too, we open the door to becoming a higher value woman for relationships (just like a man is more high value to us in a relationship when he also has a well developed feminine energy and sensitivity).
What do you think you will choose?
I know from my own life that I can’t try to chase my law career without this NAGGING gut feeling that my soul and my heart are meant to love a man so deeply that he just can’t do anything but want to be with me.
What you could do to re-enliven your connection to your feminine identity
What you could do to re-enliven your connection to your feminine identity.
If you relate to this article at all, thanks for reading!
If you want suggestions on what to do, I want to remind you that you are a unique soul, and although I can give generalised advice here, you are still unique.
But for a practice, you can try to renew your connection to your emotions and senses, EVERY day, for at least 15 minutes.
Do something that brings to life your sensitivity to your intuition or your heart knowingness. Something that enlivens your senses to pleasure or pain, or both.
You can do this with someone you trust, or by yourself.
This kind of practice could also mean sitting in a quiet room and re-living the criticism from your past relationships, or re living the pain you felt with your relationship with your ex, or with your father or mother…and feeling what that really felt like to be with that person…so you have the power to not be with that kind of person again in the future.
Just renew your bodily memory and skill at connection to sensitivity and your feminine energy.
Another daily practice could also be dancing for the sheer sake of bodily enjoyment, it could mean painting your naked body with colourful paints, or it could mean sinking in to a hot bath.
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