Do NOT Chase Him. Learn to Initiate in High Value Ways instead.

If You Never Initiate, You Will Lose The High Value Men

Should a woman chase a man she likes? 

How to pursue a man without looking desperate?

These are the questions I’ll answer in this article.

I often see women in our Facebook group suggesting to “never initiate” when dating men. Clearly, women are confusing “chasing” with initiating.

Do NOT chase. Initiate instead!

Do NOT chase him. That’s the first and simplest answer I can give you.

However, don’t confuse chasing with initiating, because they are different things.

If you’re going to latch on to a principle for dating, that’s fine, but let’s get our definitions straight first. Initiating is clearly getting confused with chasing.

Initiate = cause a process or action to begin

Chase = pursue in order to catch or catch up with

I know that a lot of women fear that they won’t be feminine enough if they show any interest to a man, or initiate in any way.

Let’s use our thinking caps here. After all, we aren’t mindless women following dogma about what it means to be “feminine” without ever questioning anything.

We are not incapable of thinking critically, right? We are living, breathing and responsible creatures, I hope.

So if you say never “initiate”, what does that really mean for you and your future?

Never initiating will get you poor results 

If you believe you should never initiate in online dating or real life dating, then how much success do you truly think you’ll have? Especially in connecting with the high value men (who always get snapped up super fast)?

Do you think any truly feminine woman would never initiate? What about “dropping the hanky”?

What about a simple but beautiful smile?

What about women who use the 17 Attraction Triggers?

It’s called subtle signalling. (In science!)

Do not Chase him. Send subtle signals (initiate)

That’s right. They have done research that shows that 70% of the time in dating, it’s actually women who initiate.

Subtle signalling is a form of initiation. A while I suggest you do not chase him, I would never tell you that it’s bad to initiate with a man. Unless you’ve already tried initiating and you got clear signals back from him saying ‘not interested’.

Here’s why I suggest to you that it’s ok to initiate.

It’s because by initiating, you create an opening for men to come towards you. There are many men out there who are really shy, sick of or afraid of being rejected by a woman.

So by sending subtle signals and initiating, you get to give him the fuel he needs in order to feel more comfortable approaching you (if he wants to).

How do women typically do this?

They gaze at a man a fraction of a second longer than they should.

They adopt open body posture.

They play with their hair.

They tilt their head to one side. (A tilted head exposes the carotid artery on the side of the neck and may be a sign of submission and feelings of vulnerability.)

If you never initiate, there are bigger problems…

If you are a woman incapable or unwilling – ever – to initiate, then something’s up.

Have you been chasing men for too long and experienced too much pain that now you’re swinging the pendulum to the other extreme (so as to avoid pain?)

Perhaps you haven’t been chasing men, but you feel a lot of fear in initiating anything with a man (and are afraid to admit that you’re scared of rejection?).

I would suggest that if you can never initiate, then that’s a sign that you’re not able to calibrate yourself in a dating or relationship situation.

But I’m sure that’s not really you deep down inside, is it?

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, and I’ve come to an insight I’d like to share with you, and maybe have you bounce back your thoughts to me. I’ll share what I have learned with a question:

What types of people need advice that keeps them passive in dating?

What kinds of people need or respond to advice that is basically asking them to be passive? Really, have a think. What kinds of people?

That’s right. Insecure or fearful people. Yes, this could also include insecurely attached people. People whose equilibrium when getting close and attaching to others is insecure.

I’m not hating on insecurely attached people, because I used to be one of them and I know there’s lots of people who share this attachment style out there. That’s totally OK.

It’s just something to work through once you’re aware of it.

Secure people let themselves make mistakes during the courting process

So, do you believe that confident women who feel like they have value to men, would be too fearful to initiate when they want to?

Maybe sometimes, given the right circumstances.

However, would very securely attached people need dating advice that is aimed at keeping them passive?

They might find such advice intriguing, and it might be nice to think about it, right?

But what kinds of people really need and thrive upon advice that’s designed to get them to swing the pendulum away from truly engaging in playfulness with men, and instead towards “never initiating”?

People who are insecurely attached. And why would this be?

Well, it’s because insecurely attached people haven’t had the feeling of safety in emotional attachment during childhood.

That’s right, emotional safety. In other words, a secure attachment that allowed them to naturally and intuitively learn the art of courtship and the mating dance.

When they were growing up, they learned that almost nothing involving closeness and attachment is safe, nor worth the vulnerability or risk.

That’s what insecurely attached or traumatised children can often subconsciously feel.

In contrast, securely attached children and adults make mistakes, yet they keep going and learn faster than others in the process!

Because they have resilience. They will never stay passive for long (if at all). Because they just have that emotional freedom. They have the confidence and dare I say fearlessness to engage with men (or women, if the securely attached person is a man).

If you have insecure attachment, heal that FIRST

So if you are indeed one of the many people out there with insecure attachment and therefore lack confidence, I suggest you proceed to heal that.

Do that, rather than trying to use superficial methods to try to avoid being vulnerable to your own emotions. Because just deciding to ‘never initiate’ won’t help you heal and won’t put you on the right track.

They will only cause you to stall your progress in finding your one and only!

It is only in grieving past traumas, cutting out toxic attachments in your life and seeking secure attachments that you can begin to heal.

(If you would be interested in a program on how to heal insecure attachment and become more securely attached, let me know in the comments below and if there’s enough interest, I’ll go ahead and make such a program for you.)

Initiating should not be confused with chasing…

Look, I understand the whole fear behind the advice to “never initiate”.

You apparently shouldn’t chase a man. HE should chase you, right? Because apparently, men like to “hunt”? (excuse me, but why would a man hunt a woman? Is she a beast or an animal? No. So perhaps the word hunt is the incorrect word to use.)

Chasing, as we established earlier, is not initiating. They are different things!

If women didn’t initiate throughout history, then they wouldn’t be feminine women.

We’d be half-dead, boring robots. Feminine women are initiators in their own way, just as much as men are.

Don’t give me the argument about men being “programmed to love the chase”, because if that’s where the true value of women really lies, then no man would emotionally commit long-term!

The women would have to be constantly (inauthentically) making herself scarce and uncommunicative in order to “tantalise” and trigger his desire to “chase”.

And that is where a lot of women lose out. They think they have to make a man chase her.

You do NOT have to make a man chase YOU

The value is not in the chase, otherwise you’d see men chasing and courting rabbits. (maybe they do do that. I guess nothing is out of the question, is it?!)

The value is in the emotional connection. Otherwise every woman could “win” a man’s emotional long term commitment by repeatedly running away to be chased.

That’s not how it works. A man would give up and begin to resent you.

You win the real commitment of men when you’re a man’s one and only woman.

That’s where all of your answers lie. If you’re not the man’s one and only, then you’ve never actually emotionally connected with him, and you’re really just one of many.

He will therefore never feel any real emotions for you. Desire maybe, but not the emotions required to inspire him to commit.

This is also why I made my program “Becoming His One & Only”.

In this program, you will learn the 5 secrets to have your chosen man fall madly in love with you and beg you to be his one and only woman. Check it out for yourself!

Initiating does not mean bombarding a man with annoying messages…

I am not saying all of this so that women can now justify bombarding a non interested man with value-taking texts. Text messages where perhaps women declare to men their undying admiration and love in an uncalibrated way. That’s not what this is about.

I am saying all of this so that women might direct their energy in a smarter way and with more efficiency. Your energy should be put in the right places.

Not in controlling yourself so that you take no risks and be passive, but in the intent to be playful and connect with men.

This is why it’s important to not just “never initiate” in dating and just lean back, it’s important to be a woman of value who has the confidence to engage in the mating dance with a man.

Courtship is a DANCE

That’s right. It’s a DANCE. 

That’s why it’s called “the mating dance”.

A passive woman who never initiates (in online dating as well) will not get what she wants.

If you were completely passive, even in the beginning, a high value man would never “dance” with you.

He might chase you like meat, but how can any man truly engage with a passive woman?

No one falls in love through being passive

No one falls in love by being passive. No one falls in love by blindly chasing someone, either.

People fall in love through engagement with each other spontaneously and vulnerably. And every man or woman who falls in love has made a multitude of mistakes, too.

So, dig a little deeper, and be patient.

Here are 5 Unusual Signs He Is Madly In Love with You!

Be patient with yourself and with the process of connecting. If you don’t allow yourself to take a leap of faith and learn how to connect and communicate with men, mistakes and all – you may miss out on the high value men.

In online dating it’s very important for women to initiate! It’s your job to initiate and weed out the men who aren’t worth your energy.

Here’s a well researched article (with scientific references) on why women should initiate in online dating.

Never “initiating” will not fix the problem of feeling deeply insecure!

If you choose to stay passive, that’s your choice of course.

However, if you can never bring yourself to initiate in real life or in online dating (due to fear), then you’ll never fix the core issue of feeling deeply insecure.

Again, don’t confuse chasing with initiating. The solution to never chasing a man is not to be passive!

Initiate the mating dance

Remember, initiate means to cause an action or process to begin.

In general, no woman wants to chase a man. And I’m not saying you should chase a man, because you shouldn’t.

Chasing a man means you’re trying to extract value and you’re not at all attuned to him. That’s why chasing isn’t the answer.

Yet being passive isn’t the answer either.

So, allow yourself the luxury of initiating with a guy.

If you want to initiate, then why the hell not! (As long as he hasn’t already rejected you in the past).

If you are online dating, the best method to initiate with a man without looking desperate is to une high value banter.

High value banter will allow you to initiate real connection online, cut through the online graveyard of online conversations, and connect with the souls of high value men immediately. (My husband has made the most incredible class in high value banter and you should test it out for yourself.)

If you are not online dating but want to send subtle signals, see my examples above. They will give you an idea of how you can initiate safely with men, without looking desperate.

Remember, do not chase him. Instead, initiate with your subtle signalling or high value banter.

You see in online dating, the high value men get snapped up so fast and so hard that you’ll be convincing yourself that these types of men basically don’t exist. (They do! And women who use our high value banter are finding this out for themselves every single day. They are calling it a “game changer”!)

This is why we have an article on the 3 Reasons Why Women Should Initiate in Online Dating.

So, don’t be passive. Don’t let old rules strip you of your ability to actually live and learn.

Even if you have insecure attachment and are an anxious avoidant type, the only way to begin changing it is to do the very thing you fear you can’t truly do.

Be human, emotionally engage or send subtle signals and connect with men, despite feeling vulnerable.

Of course, it’s also extremely important to give yourself the permission to learn and have your own journey. It’s ok to make mistakes along the way.

High value banter is the most playful way of initiating with him

If you would like to know how you can actually engage with men in a way that adds value and always adds to the playfulness of the situation, I recommend you take my husband David’s High Value Banter Class.

So many women have been using the text examples he gives and noticing that they are able to connect with the high value men better and faster, and repel the low value men faster.

If you decide it’s not for you, at least you had the courage to investigate a new idea for yourself.

🎓 So, to end this, let’s engage in a little thought exercise. If the goal is not to chase, but not to be passive, then what is the real goal here in dating, for us as women?

Share with us your thoughts, and once there are some answers, I’ll share my answer too.

renee wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link

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Kay
Kay

I did the 17 Attraction Triggers thing but he didn’t fall madly in love with me-maybe it doesn’t work on all men or maybe he’s the user type falling into the dark triads-but don’t womanizers and pick u[ artists also fall in love? Do narcissists fall in love? I think my friend has but he won’t admit and it’s not with me he’s in love even if I used what you all told me about push-pull and negs. When u play, it’s considered to be wanting him in bed or playing hard to get or being girlish or like their… Read more »

Bee
Bee
Reply to  Kay

no, narcissists don’t really fall in love. they like being admired, things being done for them, etc. if you implement boundaries and try to get emotions connection and mutual respect, he’ll get angry about it/won’t give it. they want to be superior. so don’t expect him to ‘truly’ love you b/c he views you as the supply / inferior.

Meg
Meg

I haven’t even finished reading this article but when I got to the description about insecure attachment and describing children I broke down. This is me. I absolutely have this. I am really appreciative that I’ve read this article because it’s helping me understand a lot about myself. I would also like to learn if you have a program for this. Thank you.

Teri
Teri

I can’t emphasise enough how much I would love a programme on changing your attachment style to securely attached. This is an area of deep pain and mystery, confusion. Some of your clear-cut insights and honesty would be wonderful on this topic.

Faz
Faz

Hi..I feel when I initiate, I get responses but then I’ve realised not to initiate tooooo much either and let the other person respond too and take responsibility of contacting you too as it’ll become a 1 way relationship if you’re always the initiator. Its boring for him. Let him miss you and crave you and chase you. Both need space and time to miss each other to keep it exciting. When you’re too much in each others faces, it gets boring. I say keep your life busy and interesting and keep being you however do let him know what… Read more »

Avi
Avi

Great article! The adrenaline rush from making myself vulnerable like that is worth the risk of rejection… I like to lay myself bare and then pull back. So it’s like initiating to provoke a chase, but good men don’t like this too much… I am starting to feel it comes from being detached or insecure attachment. I start to feel connection and I get scared and disappear a couple days, which bothered him a lot. I am only attracted to very cerebral men and I like to banter with them to test their wits and if they are really sharp… Read more »

Rara
Rara

Hi Renee! Thank you very much for writing this article. I learned a lot from it. I’m a member of your Facebook group and I have to be honest that most women giving out advice there seem like they got into failed relationships or chose wrong men so they come out as bitter with their advice. Most of them sound like they are criticizing men already which is unfair. I never read any comments from women there anymore and just wait for your newsletter to gain more insights about dating. I love to initiate and do things for the man… Read more »

Irene
Irene

I love to initiate but it is difficult to draw the line to chase. I think sharing feelings and thoughts and connect through this isn’t chasing as long as it is all about me, my feeling, my thoughts. No assumptions about the person in front of me. I am still learning and can’t say when it seems to be too much. I love to connect… with friends, family … it is like a need, that makes me feel part of this universe. When I start thinking about how to react, it all goes down the hill. I like to try… Read more »

Jelaya Stewart
Jelaya Stewart

Women are not the initiators period. I don’t care how much you try to dress it up. A woman gets a man by resting in her femininity and allowing the man to find her than that’s when she can be more communicative. It is not wise for a woman to be vulnerable at first, men like strong women who can hold her own and doesn’t need him. Men and women are wired differently yes they do have the natural tendency to initiate Dominate and pursue. Which is why for the most part men do the pursuing and the initiating. I… Read more »

mary
mary
Reply to  Jelaya Stewart

It depends on the woman. For some it works, for some not. And there are women- including me- who don’t enjoy being always on the passive side.

Natalie
Natalie
Reply to  Jelaya Stewart

I used to believe this 100% too. For me it came from an insecure place of needing to know that the man was keen. I just kept attracting womanisers as a result. But recently I’ve been working on connecting more with men, with no agenda in mind. Only to listen to how they think and feel and simply make friends – there’s actually a lot of young men that I’ve listened to that assume that Attractive woman especially just won’t be interested. And sometimes they need that flirty joke or extra eye contact to get the idea, and get started… Read more »

trish
trish
Reply to  Natalie

So sweet ! Thank you for sharing this, I love it !! And the article too. So much truth about how we women are able to engage and be playful, and vulnerable… looking forward to both exciting and truly caring for each other times ahead xo

Avi
Avi
Reply to  Jelaya Stewart

What does “resting in Femininity “ mean? I feel like what you are saying has elements of biologically and socially useful truth to it….but its not eternal truth. Resting” is not essentially feminine, from an energetic perspective it is much more masculine. “Resting in femininity” sounds like an agenda to trap a man. This is a poor strategy however, since you are limiting your options,, and seems likely you will attract dull and boring ones that no other woman wants! Why would a man who might have his own needs, doubts and fear of rejection or investing in a woman… Read more »

Hiawatha
Hiawatha
Reply to  Jelaya Stewart

This. Nature knows best. The egg sits still. The sperm approach, complete and fight for the privilege to be allowed in. Renee is dead wrong on this one.

Carlene
Carlene

I would also love a program (or even just a webinar) on healing an anxious attachment style. I’ve been through Understanding Men and CC but this article made it really clear to me that I personally will have to move towards a secure attachment style before I can fully show up as a high value woman.

First timer
First timer

Hi. Im 26, female, and im in my first serious relationship. I have always been the aggressive type, and i always get what i want. By that, i dont mean being aggressive physically. I’d try every method i could think of, to subtly gain something. Im a family person, and im not very social either. I was taught to learn how to be independent. But i know that deep inside, im a very clingy, attached person. And i get addicted easily to things i like. A friend gave my number away and i was contacted by the guy. So judging… Read more »

Soul
Soul

P.S. I don’t believe that any woman needs to chase a man in any social connection. If she is truly attunded to the situation, and interaction taking place. It’s one thing to show interest in another person and then demonstrate that from her actions. But, if someone is bombarding another with messages and interest then I would personally read that as an imbalance between two people. Surely by staying attuned to core authentic being, we will know if we are doing more than we should. I imagine this as an analogy of saying don’t go out and get cake. For… Read more »

Soul
Soul

Hi Renee I would love, love to see the video version of this email 💛✨ After reading the article with very limited time, I feel your knowledge and understanding on human nature and how relationships work, is beyond anything else on the planet (at least from all information I have come across in my time so far). My gosh, where to begin with sharing thoughts here, on the abundance of feelings that springs from the heart 😀 Personally, I do not believe that highly confident people with secure attachment styles would feel the need to be passive, in any social… Read more »

Margarida
Margarida

The goal is to be willing to value connection above anything else – of a “perfect” image. We may mistakes along the way, but it’s part of the learning process. Our imperfections make us more relatable and endearing, so let’s let men fall in love with them too 😀

Ali
Ali

I think the goal would be to be honest with ourselves if there is interest, learn to value the potential connection above our love of comfort (and ease), and to love ourselves enough to take risks in life! Because we know – in the end – if it doesn’t work out, we are still lovely – and can become even more so through the learning curve. 😊🥰

Emma
Emma

Have re read this makes more sense now. I thought women were meant to be receptive & was getting confused as I find if I initiated more they pull back.
Wld really appreciate an article on ” insecure attachment style plse. Every time they go quiet I think I’m about to be dumped I self sabotage . I agree though well meaning we have to be careful what we read on FB group I have come off it now.

Ivette
Ivette

I would also would to learn how to heal insecure attachment.

Emma
Emma

Hi think this is quite confusing. I thought it was best to let men come to us. It worries me at times that we take advice that evolves for example women doing feminine hobbies ( not self defense etc . The advice always changes sometimes I think it’s best to take some guidance and leavc rest. I have insecure attachment style : have been trying to use all this only now does it say if you have this attachment style don’t use it.
🤔

Emma
Emma
Reply to  Renee Wade

Hi Renee
Thanks for replying I think I am getting confused with some of the fB Group stuff & going back to some of the earlier work regarding feminine hobbies etc.
Thanks for taking time to reply x

Kate
Kate
Reply to  Emma

Hi Renee. I love your articles amd perpective and totally agree with this! Healing attachment issues would be amazing! I think as women we are easily damaged in our thinking by societal norms and parental upbringing particularly drugs and alcohol. (My attachment issues come from a neglectful alcoholic parent )! Thanks!! – (also would love to know how u stay so fit and gorgeous??☺️)

Amba
Amba

I would love to learn about how to heal insecure attachment!

Kelsey
Kelsey

I would definitely be interested in a program on how to heal insecure attachment and become more securely attached. I unfortunately suffer from this and it has left a negative mark in all of my relationships. I’m working on it now but definitely need help!

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