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😳 Conversation is getting a wee bit silly over in our Facebook group. I have seen some folks suggesting many times to “never initiate” when dating men.

Where do I even start with this?

If you’re going to latch on to a principle, that’s fine, but let’s get our definitions straight first, because initiating is clearly getting confused with chasing.

Initiate = cause a process or action to begin

Chase = pursue in order to catch or catch up with

Let’s use our thinking caps – we aren’t mindless women following dogma about what it means to be “feminine” without ever questioning anything. We are not incapable of thinking critically, right? We are living, breathing and responsible creatures, I hope.

So if you say never “initiate”, what does that really mean for you and your future?

If you believe you should never initiate in online dating, then how much success do you truly think you’ll have in connecting with the high value men (who always get snapped up super fast)?

Do you think any truly feminine woman would never initiate? What about “dropping the hanky”? What about a simple but beautiful smile?

What about women who use the 17 Attraction Triggers?

What about actual, human flexibility and adaptiveness?

If you are a woman incapable or unwilling – ever – to initiate, then that’s a sign that you’re not able to calibrate yourself in a dating or relationship situation. But I’m sure that’s not really you deep down inside, is it?

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, and I’ve come to an insight I’d like to share with you, and maybe have you bounce back your thoughts to me. I’ll share what I have learned with a question:

What kinds of people need or respond to advice that is basically asking them to be passive? Really, have a think. What kinds of people?

That’s right. Insecurely attached people – people whose equilibrium when getting close and attaching to others is insecure. I’m not hating on insecurely attached people, because I used to be one of them and I know there’s lots of people who share this attachment style out there, and that’s totally OK. It’s just something to work through once you’re aware of it.

So, do you believe that securely attached people need dating advice that keeps them passive?

They might find such advice intriguing, and it might be nice to think about it, but what kinds of people really need and thrive upon advice that’s designed to get them to swing the pendulum away from truly engaging in playfulness with men, and instead towards “never initiating”?

People who are insecurely attached. And why would this be?

Well, it’s because insecurely attached people haven’t had the feeling of safety in emotional attachment during childhood, an emotional safety, a secure attachment that allowed them to naturally and intuitively learn the art of courtship and the mating dance.

When they were growing up, they learned that almost nothing involving closeness and attachment is safe, nor worth the vulnerability or risk. That’s what insecurely attached or traumatised children can often subconsciously feel.

In contrast, securely attached children and adults make mistakes yet keep going and learn faster than others, because they have resilience. They will never stay passive for long (if at all). Because they just have that emotional freedom, the confidence and dare I say fearlessness to engage with men (or women, if the securely attached person is a man).

If you have insecure attachment, heal that FIRST

So if you are indeed one of the many people out there with insecure attachment and therefore lack confidence, I suggest you proceed to heal that rather than trying to use superficial methods to try to avoid being vulnerable to your own emotions. Because just deciding to ‘never initiate’ won’t help you heal and won’t put you on the right track.

They will only cause you to stall your progress.

It is only in grieving past traumas, cutting out toxic attachments in your life and seeking secure attachments that you can begin to heal. (If you would be interested in a program on how to heal insecure attachment and become more securely attached, let me know in the comments below and if there’s enough interest, I’ll go ahead and make such a program for you.)

Initiating should not be confused with chasing…

Look, I understand the whole fear behind the advice to “never initiate” – because, you apparently shouldn’t chase a man. However, chasing, as we established earlier, is not initiating.

If women didn’t initiate throughout history, then they wouldn’t be feminine women. We’d be half-dead, boring robots. Feminine women are initiators in their own way, just as much as men are.

Don’t give me the argument about men being “programmed to love the chase”, because if that’s where the true value of women really lies, then no man would emotionally commit long-term! The women would have to be constantly (inauthentically) making herself scarce and uncommunicative in order to “tantalise” and trigger his desire to “chase”.

And that is where a lot of women lose out. They think they have to make a man chase her.
No. The value is not in the chase, otherwise you’d see men chasing and courting rabbits. The value is in the emotional connection. Otherwise every woman could “win” a man’s emotional long term commitment by repeatedly running away to be chased.

That’s not how it works. You win the real commitment of men when you’re a man’s one and only woman; that’s where all of your answers lie. If you’re not the man’s one and only, then you’ve never actually emotionally connected with him, and you’re really just one of many.

He will therefore never feel any real emotions for you. Desire maybe, but not the emotions required to inspire him to commit.

This is also why I made my free DVD, “Becoming His One & Only”. In it, you will learn the 5 secrets to have your chosen man fall madly in love with you and beg you to be his one and only woman. If you don’t have a DVD player, we do have an online version. Check it out for yourself!

Initiating does not mean bombarding a man with annoying messages…

I am not saying all of this so that women can now justify bombarding a non interested man with value-taking texts where they declare to him their undying admiration and love in an uncalibrated way – that’s not what this is about.

I am saying all of this so that women might direct their energy in a smarter way and with more efficiency. Your energy should be put in the right places – not in controlling yourself so that you take no risks and be passive, but in the intent to be playful and connect with men.

This is why it’s important to not just “never initiate” in dating and just lean back, it’s important to be a woman of value who has the confidence to engage in the mating dance with a man. No one falls in love by being passive. No one falls in love by chasing someone, either.

People fall in love through engagement with each other spontaneously and vulnerably. And every man or woman who falls in love has made a multitude of mistakes, too.

So, dig a little deeper, and be patient. Be patient with yourself and with the process of connecting. If you don’t allow yourself to take a leap of faith and learn how to connect and communicate with men, mistakes and all – in online dating or in real life, then you’ll never fix the core issue of feeling deeply insecure or perhaps insecurely attached.

Again, don’t confuse chasing with initiating. The solution to never chasing a man is not to be passive!

No woman wants to chase a man. And I’m not saying you should chase a man, because you shouldn’t. But you would ideally be able to have the vivaciousness to actually engage and put the emotional connection first. Especially in online dating.

You see in online dating, the high value men get snapped up so fast and so hard that you’ll be convincing yourself that these types of men basically don’t exist and every woman who is married must be unhappily married. (hint: they are not!)

This is why we have an article on the 3 Reasons Why Women Should Initiate in Online Dating.

So, don’t be passive. Don’t let old rules strip you of your ability to actually live and learn. Even if you have insecure attachment and are an anxious avoidant type, the only way to begin changing it is to do the very thing you fear you can’t truly do – be human, emotionally engage and connect despite feeling vulnerable. And of course, give yourself the permission to learn and have your own journey.

If you would like to know how you can actually engage with men in a way that adds value and always adds to the playfulness of the situation, I recommend you take my husband David’s free High Value Banter Class.

So many women have been using the text examples he gives and noticing that they are able to gradually learn how to connect with the high value men better and faster, and repel the low value men faster.
You’ve got nothing to lose. If you decide it’s not for you, at least it was a free class and at least you had the courage to investigate a new idea for yourself.

🎓 So, to end this, let’s engage in a little thought exercise. If the goal is not to chase, but not to be passive, then what is the real goal here in dating, for us as women?

Share with us your thoughts, and once there are some answers, I’ll share my answer too.

renee wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link

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maryJelaya StewartCarleneFirst timerSoul Recent comment authors
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Jelaya Stewart
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Jelaya Stewart

Women are not the initiators period. I don’t care how much you try to dress it up. A woman gets a man by resting in her femininity and allowing the man to find her than that’s when she can be more communicative. It is not wise for a woman to be vulnerable at first, men like strong women who can hold her own and doesn’t need him. Men and women are wired differently yes they do have the natural tendency to initiate Dominate and pursue. Which is why for the most part men do the pursuing and the initiating. I… Read more »

mary
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mary

It depends on the woman. For some it works, for some not. And there are women- including me- who don’t enjoy being always on the passive side.

Carlene
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Carlene

I would also love a program (or even just a webinar) on healing an anxious attachment style. I’ve been through Understanding Men and CC but this article made it really clear to me that I personally will have to move towards a secure attachment style before I can fully show up as a high value woman.

First timer
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First timer

Hi. Im 26, female, and im in my first serious relationship. I have always been the aggressive type, and i always get what i want. By that, i dont mean being aggressive physically. I’d try every method i could think of, to subtly gain something. Im a family person, and im not very social either. I was taught to learn how to be independent. But i know that deep inside, im a very clingy, attached person. And i get addicted easily to things i like. A friend gave my number away and i was contacted by the guy. So judging… Read more »

Soul
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Soul

P.S. I don’t believe that any woman needs to chase a man in any social connection. If she is truly attunded to the situation, and interaction taking place. It’s one thing to show interest in another person and then demonstrate that from her actions. But, if someone is bombarding another with messages and interest then I would personally read that as an imbalance between two people. Surely by staying attuned to core authentic being, we will know if we are doing more than we should. I imagine this as an analogy of saying don’t go out and get cake. For… Read more »

Soul
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Soul

Hi Renee I would love, love to see the video version of this email 💛✨ After reading the article with very limited time, I feel your knowledge and understanding on human nature and how relationships work, is beyond anything else on the planet (at least from all information I have come across in my time so far). My gosh, where to begin with sharing thoughts here, on the abundance of feelings that springs from the heart 😀 Personally, I do not believe that highly confident people with secure attachment styles would feel the need to be passive, in any social… Read more »

Margarida
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Margarida

The goal is to be willing to value connection above anything else – of a “perfect” image. We may mistakes along the way, but it’s part of the learning process. Our imperfections make us more relatable and endearing, so let’s let men fall in love with them too 😀

Ali
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Ali

I think the goal would be to be honest with ourselves if there is interest, learn to value the potential connection above our love of comfort (and ease), and to love ourselves enough to take risks in life! Because we know – in the end – if it doesn’t work out, we are still lovely – and can become even more so through the learning curve. 😊🥰

Emma
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Emma

Have re read this makes more sense now. I thought women were meant to be receptive & was getting confused as I find if I initiated more they pull back.
Wld really appreciate an article on ” insecure attachment style plse. Every time they go quiet I think I’m about to be dumped I self sabotage . I agree though well meaning we have to be careful what we read on FB group I have come off it now.

Ivette
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Ivette

I would also would to learn how to heal insecure attachment.

Emma
Guest
Emma

Hi think this is quite confusing. I thought it was best to let men come to us. It worries me at times that we take advice that evolves for example women doing feminine hobbies ( not self defense etc . The advice always changes sometimes I think it’s best to take some guidance and leavc rest. I have insecure attachment style : have been trying to use all this only now does it say if you have this attachment style don’t use it.
🤔

Kate
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Kate

Hi Renee. I love your articles amd perpective and totally agree with this! Healing attachment issues would be amazing! I think as women we are easily damaged in our thinking by societal norms and parental upbringing particularly drugs and alcohol. (My attachment issues come from a neglectful alcoholic parent )! Thanks!! – (also would love to know how u stay so fit and gorgeous??☺️)

Amba
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Amba

I would love to learn about how to heal insecure attachment!

Kelsey
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Kelsey

I would definitely be interested in a program on how to heal insecure attachment and become more securely attached. I unfortunately suffer from this and it has left a negative mark in all of my relationships. I’m working on it now but definitely need help!

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