Why Being Feminine is NOT Always High Value

🥶 One of the difficult things about doing what I do is that I see women sometimes get attached to “myopic” ideas that no longer serve them, and especially don’t serve the men that they come into contact with.

I can’t blame them, I was there once too.

One of these particular ideas is that feminine energy and “being feminine” is somehow everything. Why? Well perhaps in their mind “masculine men are attracted to feminine women.”

Well, in one sense, that’s true. But when you really think and detach from the idea – when you zoom out, you see that there is so much more than this level of truth. There’s plenty of feminine women in the world and plenty of masculine men who don’t find these feminine women to be appealing, and nor do they find them to be of value in their lives or in a committed relationship.

There comes a problem when you get yourself too attached to this idea, thinking that it will solve all of your problems.

Since I’m the author of this blog The Feminine Woman (and have been so since 2009), of course, I think being more feminine is great, especially in a world that values masculine traits like productivity and goal-orientation. It’s also especially important when many women have now lost touch with their feelings, their intuition and their sensitivity.

…And yet, I know that as women, we can’t be feminine all the time and expect that to always be of value to men.

Here’s why:

  • Just because you’re feminine, doesn’t mean you actually connect well with men or even know HOW to connect with men.
  • Just because you believe you’re feminine (lean back, relax, etc) doesn’t mean that’s value in this particular moment.
  • Just because you’re now “feminine”, doesn’t mean you haven’t gone so far down the rabbit hole that you now become a completely un-attuned, uncalibrated person who is only in it for herself and is now unaware of what a man actually needs or wants to feel in this moment.
  • Just because you’re “feminine”, doesn’t mean you can truly connect with a man in a multi faceted way.

Yes, the more feminine you are, the more polarity you probably have with more men. But that’s just one part of the whole story. If you don’t develop healthy masculine parts of yourself, then you have less value to give overall.

Don’t get me started on the interesting ideas about what ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ is these days. I see people say it’s masculine to initiate and so we women shouldn’t do that thing called initiating.

The dogma has taken over so much these days that even the air we breathe has to be “feminine”. It was never meant to be a dogma, this whole feminine and masculine idea. It was meant to be one tool, one framework and idea that can solve SPECIFIC relationship problems.

It wasn’t meant to be an entire lifestyle. We weren’t supposed to start measuring how feminine the air we breathe is!

Look, just because you want to be feminine doesn’t mean you have to lose your whole personality and sense of aliveness in the process. Just because you want to be “the feminine one” in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to lose your humanness.

So should I never smile at a man first because that would be initiating?

Should I never text him first and wish him a happy birthday on his actual birthday because god forbid, I’d be “masculine” if I did so?

Look, initiating is not masculine or feminine. It’s just an action. People can initiate in many different ways. Initiating can take value, or add value – and whether it takes value or not depends on how you do it. 

A woman who initiates from a place where she feels completely unworthy of love inside will come across differently than when a woman who is highly attuned and free of anxiety.

With all that said, it’s ok to have masculine parts of you. I’ll give you an example. For many years my husband tried to get me to practice the very masculine sport of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. For 7 years, I refused.

It’s called the “gentle art”, but in reality it’s still the sport of submission grappling/fighting. There are nasty joint jocks and chokes involved and I thought I was too feminine for that violent stuff.

However, I made the tough decision to do it (not that I didn’t cry before the first lesson). And now that I’ve been doing it for a while, I see what it has given me – not only a positive masculine ability within myself – but more situational awareness, more courage, the ability to defend myself against people larger than me, the ability to trust in techniques and tools rather than just fear, or my emotions (which are of course valuable too).

Above all – it’s given me a feeling of power and the ability to connect with my man (and other men) on a whole other level – on their level. At the same time, I certainly don’t live in my masculine energy all day long.

But I certainly don’t reject it now, either.

Think about it. Wouldn’t it be nice if a man could connect with you on your level?

Wouldn’t it be nice if he could understand how you feel instead of trying to solve everything as if your whole emotional existence is a problem to solve?

Well, it’s kind of like that. You will never be a man if you’re a woman – but you most certainly can develop healthy masculine parts of yourself through learning from healthy masculine role models.

In a healthy relationship with a man, it helps if there’s that yin and yang to balance each other out. However, it also helps to have yin and yang within yourself as a woman. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how much you can only help yourself when you develop parts of you that you rejected before.

So sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself, is to let go of the idea that you somehow have to be more “feminine”. Rather, just focus on value. Focus on becoming a woman of value and you will have men lined up in your life.

Take this as advice from me, the author of The Feminine Woman.

renee wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media

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I want the copy of the 8 traits! ?

Ericka Rose
Ericka Rose

Renee, I am off of social media myself due to security concerns, but I am posting here to share my personal successes with your website. A year or so ago I came in here and devoured your articles, let the information process over time and am returning now in shock to see your information is not only still as relevant but even more helpful and understandable than before. I was dating at the time of first reading, now I am married and kids are in the plan (same man). If that’s not a success story my dear I don’t know… Read more »


I can totally related to what you’re saying. I was raised to be an accomplished career woman and had a horrible love life. After my first divorce, I did a lot of soul searching and I realized I needed to be more feminine if I wanted to attract my dream masculine man. So I went on and learned all the rules and followed them strictly. Eventually after 7 years I landed a masculine man and it all went well until infatuation wore off and we started having disagreements, I would never be the first one to initiate reconciliation. I was… Read more »


I’d love a copy of his DVD☺️


I don’t know why this seems so hard to understand to me but how can I add value to anyone. Does this mean to he help someone to give him value?

Reply to  Renee Wade

Irene didn’t want her last name used. Thank you.


I would love to have the 8 traits DVD

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