Article updated 2018
In the modern Western world, we have mistaken feminine as referring to the external appearance of a woman. Yes, this is important for achieving femininity and being more feminine, but this is all worth nothing if a woman is empty on the inside. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)
Femininity is created from the inside out, and for a woman to be more feminine, she must prioritize and work on what goes on internally. Some of the most feminine women in the world have no money for clothing, shoes, the latest LV bag, the latest chanel sunglasses….and yet they are feminine. In fact, they are often more feminine than the women who can afford to dress themselves ‘prettily’. Let’s not forget also, that dressing ourselves has now become mistaken for ‘undressing ourselves’.
First, try to relinquish your rules
Rules are useful when they are useful. Yet, femininity and feminine energy is often squashed by rules. And that’s troublesome because most of us live in a society full of unspoken rules. I have said before, in my post “what Is Femininity – Part 2”, that femininity is not so much about following a set of rules, because rules = rigid and there’s nothing rigid about femininity.
To start with, femininity must occur from within. All smart men will never be fooled by a fake feminine woman. If you want a good, truly masculine man to see you as his one and only….if you want a dominant, masculine man to love you, protect you, adore you, take care of you and worship you for life, you must have the feminine qualities to attract that kind of man.
A lot of people say that the ultimate feminine quality is receptivity or “leaning back”. See my article here on The 9 Dangers of Leaning Back & Why it’s Not Feminine. Well, receptivity is a part of it. But that only scrapes the surface. Femininity or feminine energy really is about removing your “facade” – the surface, masculine masks that you’ve put up to try to be worthy, and then surrendering to all of life. That can be hard to do, but when you can start to do that, you’ll create the momentum needed to become more and more feminine over time.
This doesn’t mean you should give up your masculine qualities. Please don’t. We all have masculine and feminine energy in us (men and women), and your masculine qualities are equally as beautiful and useful as your feminine qualities – it’s just that a lot of us women have become extremely masculine because of our work and our habits. What we do most of the time shows in our body and if we do a lot of so called masculine tasks and things, then it makes our bodies masculine.
The truth is, dominant and successful men are attracted to a feminine woman. Yet not every man wants a feminine woman, and not every man finds a feminine woman attractive. Try to remember that. The type of men to find a very feminine woman attractive are the men who are very centred in their masculine “core”, which means that they are unafraid to be themselves, and that their natural dominant energy and their natural sense of autonomy and direction gifted to them at birth or as a little boy, has not been totally quashed by society (or if it has, he has learned how to get back to his core)
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Femininity and Freedom
To get in touch with your femininity, or to become more womanly, you must start by becoming free. That is – mentally free and spiritually free. Of course, you will need to look feminine and gorgeous on the outside too, but it must start from within before the outer appearance will serve you in any long-term way.
A truly feminine woman is not trapped in her head. She is free. Now, this doesn’t mean that if you are trapped in your thoughts that you are doing the wrong thing, because you aren’t. What being “trapped in your head” really means is that you’re not feeling. and feeling is the essence of femininity, because to feel, you need to be surrendered, and more in your body than in your head.
What I also mean by this is that to be feminine, we cannot be trapped in limiting beliefs that lead us to become disconnected from the spontaneous flow of life and instead adopt a pattern of behaving aggressively or even adopting a pattern of being indifferent. Indifference is one of the attitudes you don’t want to have if you want to be more feminine. Women are nurturers. Truly beautiful, feminine women take care of things that (they care for – not just anything, you don’t want to take care of everything just for the sake of it).
In fact, they care about everything. Sometimes, patterns of acting aggressive or indifferent are a product of experiencing pain and believing we aren’t worthy of being seen. Sure, we’ve all had enormous pain. But it doesn’t mean that a woman has to become ‘broken’ and feel like she has no way out other than to wallow in victimhood.
Here’s what’s interesting. A feminine woman, if she shows up as a man’s One and Only” instead of “one of many”, truly gives a masculine man reason to live, to work, to provide, and to conquer. Because her energy and aliveness (connection with all of life….her surrender to pain and pleasure) gives him something he can NEVER experience fully for himself as a man.
So, see your feminine energy or your femininity as a gift to a good man.
So you must start with your habits, thought patterns and free yourself so that you can be more in your true feminine core. If you know you have a tendency to become defensive and aggressive and to reject your nurturing nature, know that that is not really you. Those patterns of behaving don’t really belong to you. They’re just a coping mechanism.
In order to be more feminine, a woman must allow herself to be vulnerable. If you’re not vulnerable, you don’t need a man. That’s just how it is perceived by men. Men will respond to you and be there for you if they feel your need for it. It’s that simple. If there’s no vulnerability, there is no need for him, and if there’s no need for him, then he will be more likely to subconsciously put you in the category of “one of many” and pump and dump.
In fact, if you can kill all of your own snakes, that’s great….but if you kill each and every snake for yourself time after time, then…then what is the purpose of a man in your life? It’s important to be aware that if a man is masculine at his core, then it’s important that he does feel needed to an extent. (just like you like to feel needed by a man, but in different ways).
The freedom of a feminine woman is in her ability to be spontaneous and to go by feeling. This is the opposite to being indifferent. A feminine woman isn’t always about what’s ‘realistic’, she’s more able to feel and she empathises with humans and all living things.
Some strategies to get to feeling feminine:
– Use music. Music is one of the best ways for changing your state and influencing your mood. Listen to music that makes you feel grateful, soft, peaceful, happy, serene, joyful and free. And also listen to music that makes you cry or rage. You would ideally be just as able to connect to pain as you can connect to pleasure. Why? Well, because if you’re feminine in an “advanced” way, then your body becomes more and more open over time, and as it become more open over time, it becomes incredibly sensitive to pain and pleasure. So, use music. You can even dance to it in your own home, in any way that feel right to your body in the moment. (read my article about music to inspire femininity)
– Accentuate the attributes you have that are the opposite of a man’s. This doesn’t simply mean wearing a dress over pants. It’s in the way you sit, the way you talk, the words you use, how you use your hands, how you smile, how you touch others, how you greet people (words and the physical aspects). A lot of women stand and walk like men, drink like a man would, unknowingly. They stand with their hands on their hips the way a man would do it, and sway their arms and legs in the way that a strong and powerful man would do, and it is fine to do so, if you want to. Just try to remember that it doesn’t create a feeling of deep attraction in your life – you are robbing yourself of that feeling of aliveness that comes with feeling attraction with men, if you show up like a man or have “man energy” as a way of protecting yourself.
An important thing to remember is to use less the words men use – especially the words they use to address their guys friends. It’s still OK to use them, as long as it’s not executed in a masculine way. Saying ‘Hey mate’, ‘thanks mate’, ‘Hi buddy’, all denote that you’re relating to a man as another man would. (read my article about surrendering to masculine energy)
– It’s great to dress fashionable, but be aware that dressing for women is a totally different thing to dressing for men. (read my article about dressing feminine in the workplace)
– Get out of the mindset that you should not do anything for ‘a man’. A lot of women say it’s ok to go out of their way for girlfriends etc, but that it’s not OK to serve a man. A man wants to know that you care to connect with him and give to him! To get out of this mindset, start thinking less of yourself, and what you’re getting, and start working on understanding a man. Selflessness is definitely a thing you want to be able to access when you need to. Why? Because when you give from your heart, you’ll come across as more loving and emotionally resourceful. This emotional resourcefulness is a sign of high value. When you give from the heart, and not from fear or trying to get a man’s approval, you’ll naturally show up more true to yourself and your natural unique feminine energy will come through.
Surrender to emotional intimacy
– Find ways to enjoy true intimacy if you have trouble with letting go. Intimacy is scary, but it is only through intimacy that you can pop the lid off your layers of tension and then access who you truly are. When you continually access who your truly are (through sex or emotional intimacy), you’re naturally more feminine ()if you are feminine in your core, because when you are “who you are”, you’re more surrendered. And that is surrendered to your feelings, to your body, and to life and to relationships. I’m not encouraging you to be promiscuous, but a lot of women unfortunately have problems letting go and truly connecting, and also a lot of women struggle to free themselves to surrender to their pain and pleasure during sex, or they have sex for the wrong reasons. See my article on The Secret Cost for Women when they Have Casual Sex.
Smile openly when you truly feel like it
– Men go crazy over a woman who can give them a genuine smile. It doesn’t matter what her physical attributes are, if you give a man a genuine, happy smile and look him in the eye – he’s going to be profoundly affected, because he will feel accepted. What all men love to feel. Ask any man who is in touch with his masculinity whether a smile is extremely important in a woman and he’ll say yes.
See, as crazy as this sounds, masculine energy knows more about death, whereas feminine energy knows more about life, opening to love and giving love. The reason masculine energy is more about death is because men focus on getting things done, conquering, putting an end to things, and letting go, and moving on to the next challenge. Think of really masculine activities like extreme rock climbing where if you make the slightest wrong move, you’re dead. So the masculine world can be quite devoid of the spontaneous flow of life.
This is partially why smiling works so well. It is a nice change from the way things operate in the man’s world (if he is quite masculine and engages in a lot of masculine activities). Smiling and happiness represents life, love, opportunity and openness. Men love a woman who can be open to him. This is one reason why they love sex so much. The woman has to be open and vulnerable to him in order to be present with him during sex.
Disclaimer: Don’t smile for the sake of it. And don’t smile at men indiscriminately. Smiling is such a powerful tool that if you use it wrongly, it could backfire on you and threaten your safety. So, what you really want to be able to do is to remove your resistance to, and fear of your genuine self expression. What does that mean? It means that really, some women really fear letting themselves be seen, and yes, they sometimes fear being seen smiling, as they’ve learnt to not let people in. So this is really about un-conditioning old habits of closing off and removing your fears surrounding smiling. It is about removing your fears and resistance to expressing true joy, perhaps because you thought you had to dull yourself in order to be accepted by society.
– Appreciate men for being men. Always show appreciation for a masculine man when he deserves it, or when you truly feel it. Try to not be stingy with your appreciation, as I know it can be easy to be stingy with it when your man is not showing up and doing the things you wish he would do. The more you can appreciate him genuinely, the more he will trust you and the more he trust you, the more he will connect deeper to you. (read my article about why every woman should look up to her man?)
A final message…
Whatever strategies you want to use, remember that if it’s all too overwhelming, just start with freeing yourself and letting yourself truly FEEL. If there’s one tip I have today to become more feminine, it is simply to feel. Just FEEL.
Begin valuing your feelings and valuing who you are. Because if you cannot feel….all the pain, hurt, anger, ecstasy that has been pent up or held in for the sake of being accepted in our society, then you can never be free to be fully feminine.
I hope that you enjoyed this article and that you found it useful. If you have anything to say, please leave me a comment. You can even leave a comment if you hated it. Have a lovely day/night! 🙂
By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only.
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