Seriously… Why Do Men Really Love Blowjobs?

This article is not meant to be rude or offensive in any way. My aim is to help women have close, committed, deep and passionate relationships. Part of achieving this is helping women understand more about men, what men want and why they want it.

Despite this being a sensitive topic, I hope we can all approach it with a little light-heartedness and let us remember that oral sex has been around for many years. I am also not condoning casual sex or being promiscuous. I am also not aiming to tell women they have to give their man oral sex. Ultimately, this is a woman’s personal choice.

My message is not for promiscuity or casual sex; I do not condone this. I condone healthy, strong committed and passionate relationships where each party does not blame or reject any part of their partner (we all have different, sometimes contradicting personalities inside of us), and they each understand how the masculine and feminine energies operate. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Just as men sometimes have difficulty understanding women – for example, why women say things they don’t mean, can never decide what they want to eat, or why women can be such changeable and emotional creatures; a lot of women have trouble understanding men.

In particular, women sometimes misunderstand the reason behind men wanting sex/blow-jobs, and put a man’s interest in sex down to the fact that they’re pigs, or that that’s ‘all they care about’, and think they’re always self-serving creatures who want it just because it serves a man’s ego.

Yes, in some cliques and cultures, for example, football clubs, men use sex as an ego trip. Men use women, and they take no responsibility for their behaviour with women. You do not want to engage in sexual conduct with men like this – in fact, In most circumstances, you should avoid these groups of men.

When it comes to giving blowjobs, keep it inside a committed relationship.

I’m nobody to tell women what to do – so I do acknowledge that to some men and some women, sex is a commodity and women use sex to get what they want. Although I personally don’t agree with this, I also understand that in this world, everything has a place, even if I don’t agree with it.

I just encourage oral sex and sex to be inside a committed relationship – so that women can avoid feeling used, dumped and hurt. Apart from a minority of women, casual sex does not enrich our life. It’s just a distraction, and it often leaves women open to male deception.

On women being ‘open’ to blow jobs

It is also widely known that the male and female sex drive can be hard to reconcile. Women sometimes have a lot of trouble opening up to their man, and put it all down down to the fact that they ‘just don’t feel like it’.

This is fair enough, women have crazy hormonal cycles, and find it hard to make time to open up to a man sometimes. We all know sex is important to most men, but we don’t all really know truly why this is the case. (It’s not actually because they want the physical act of sex – it’s something else which is much more important, and I will get to that shortly).

In fact, if you want a man to totally and completely commit to you, then provided you engage in physical intercourse after trust and emotional attraction has been established with a man, then engaging in oral sex or any type of sexual intimacy is going to increase the likelihood of getting that deep commitment from a man.

You don’t need to withhold sex until marriage – although withholding sex is not always a bad idea in dating (until trust and emotional attraction are established).

(More on getting a man’s commitment here).

If we can all have a bit more understanding and appreciation for the male sex, this will make it a much smoother ride for all of us, and we’ll be able to experience more freedom in our intimate relationships, once we truly understand and honour the differences between the sexes, and respect and understand what fills them up rather than fear and reject a man’s need for sex.

Dispelling the Myths

No, men don’t JUST want it because it feels good. Although, this is definitely a part of why men want oral sex so much, too.

At first instance, most women think that men love it because they don’t have to do anything themselves, and can just sit back wait for the woman to do all the work. Without being crass, as this is not my intention, if it was because they don’t have to do anything themselves, then why don’t men get their dog to do it for them?

Indeed, if you ask a man why he wants oral sex so much, he probably won’t always be able to articulate why he does. Men aren’t always as good as women are at decoding and expressing their own feelings and needs. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

The basic reason why men love being given oral sex is because it gives them a feeling of power.

Another reason is because a blow job can be one of the ultimate feminine acts of love towards a man.

A blow job is a healthy way for a man to access his dark masculine energy – his animalistic desire to dominate and feel powerful. I think people become sick and twisted and cold and disconnected – not when they do get blow jobs, but when they reject these animalistic drives inside of them for too long.

Just as women have a desire deep down to be dominated by the most high value man around (a man who has presence, who is trustworthy, who has status and who is also sensitive) – think 50 shades of Gray. Deep down a man has the desire to feel like he has the freedom to dominate his woman every now and then. Yes, even the gentlemen who try not to own their own dark side.

Don’t reject the dark side! the more you reject, the more you become obsessed – and the more our dark sides come out in twisted, pathological ways that hurt others!

Also – this need to dominate is not restricted to men only. Of course, some women have a need to dominate sexually, and some men have a need to be submissive sexually. I certainly don’t feel the need to dominate – however, I want to acknowledge that some women do, and that’s okay. I doubt that most men have a deep seated need to be dominated by a woman – some men do, however, in most cases, men have a need to surrender to pleasure – and that is of course, one other reason why men love blow jobs.

An Act of Submission

The first reason men love blowjobs is submission. In order for you to exchange feminine and masculine energy, and give your man amazing oral sex from a mutual feeling of ecstatic attraction, you have to be vulnerable to him, and you have to submit to him. This is one quick way for a man to feel more like a man;  having a woman give him oral sex.

Of course, women don’t always feel like they are submitting when giving a blow job – sometimes, a blow job is just a blow job, something she has to do, and there’s no ‘umph’ or feeling behind her gift of a blow job.

However, when one doesn’t block out the dark side – one really can start to see that from one perspective, giving a blow job can feel like an act of submission.

This submissiveness allows you to access your feminine energy in one particular dimension and it allows your man to connect with your feminine energy in a way that makes him feel like you’re willing to trust him and play with the energy of submission; which is freeing for both of you (as long as you’re not easily triggered and recovering from sexual abuse – in which case, I caution you before engaging in sexual acts that are likely to trigger you, and I encourage you to talk about things with your man first).

The visual aspect of submission is also a factor. For example, if a woman kneels before a man, this indicates that she is completely submitting to him, and giving him power/letting him dominate.

Of course, the act of giving a man a blow job is a feminine act (if she cares about him), as a woman has to (at least to large extent)  be in her feminine in order to actually give him oral sex. It is possible to shut down and remove yourself from the experience and not be fully present with your man when you are doing it though. And when we shut down and emotionally block out what we are doing – even while we are doing it, of course, this takes away the depth to the act, and it takes away the richness of the submission and it takes away the closeness of the act.

In this way, giving a blow job whilst desensitising yourself to it reduces the value of giving a blow job. Even if you do give one. it’s still a blow job, so it’s still good, but it’s not an infinite blowjob – it’s an average blow job, if you get what I mean? (read my article about how to be submissive for love)

A Symbol of Vulnerability

In order to give a man oral sex, a woman has to be vulnerable to him. In fact, she has to open to him and be comfortable with being vulnerable to him. Of course, some women engage in oral sex out of obligation, or feel that they have to in order to please their man, so they do it.

In other words, their heart is not in it. If a woman’s heart is not in it, and she’s doing it on autopilot, then she is not fully vulnerable to him, and the man will sense this, although he will most likely not want to accept that she is doing it out of obligation.

The concept of vulnerability goes hand-in-hand with the idea of trust. The masculine energy/men has a real need to be trusted. And of course, if you are comfortable being fully vulnerable to him, then this indicates that you are trusting of him.

A blow job can be a sign that you love and accept a man

Even though many women give blow jobs even though they don’t love the man…here’s a dirty little secret. When you are in a relationship, many men perceive a blow job as the ultimate act of love and acceptance. They really do – it really means that much!

Ask any man which part of him makes him feel most like a man, and he might point to his “package”.

if you are able to love the part of him that makes him a man, and take him in fully – then you will own him on another level.

Admiration

Question…if you were a big tough man, would you be turned on by the site of your woman kneeled in front of you, taking all of you in? Yes?

Would you love it even more if she looked up at you, and allowed herself to surrender to this moment – to this way – of being with you?

Why? Because you get to be made to feel like you are ‘the man’, or ‘her’ man. You get to feel like your woman admires you for being a man; the sex you were born as, and the sex you love to be.

Without being rude, a man’s penis is as close to the heart of his manhood as you can get. Men subconsciously or consciously see it as part of what makes them a man. If a woman rejects this part of him, it leads him to think that she is not attracted to him, or that she doesn’t love him.

A Sense of relaxation and surrender

We have already established that men don’t feel as strong a drive to talk as much as women do in order to connect with other human beings. But why do men perceive so much connection in sex? The reason is because – men don’t generally communicate to other men the way women communicate with other women (and men). It can be hard for a man to go to his guy friends to talk, to connect and to feel loved.

The masculine energy is all about doing whatever it takes, at whatever cost, to get the job done, moving on to the next challenge, putting an end to things – and letting go.

A blow job is a woman’s signal to her man that it is okay for him to relax and surrender to the world of pleasure and love for now. It is a nice escape for him. And what’s so great about his woman doing it, is that she is the one giving him the permission and the space for him to experience that surrendered, out-of-control pleasure.

Men don’t always enjoy being out of control – one has to relax to fully enjoy the benefits of not being in control – and this allows him to surrender to pleasure and connection.

It gives a man a sense of connection

We women feel at home and thrive much more on oxytocin and connection with people or animals, or children. We simply don’t need to rely on sex to feel regularly connected to other human beings. (Not that men cannot connect with others through talking too).

The difference is that men can, and often do feel this incredible feeling of connection through blow job and sex (when they are in a relationship). This is one of the primary ways in which men can feel connected to, and loved by their woman.

Some women are uncomfortable with the idea of giving their man a blow-job, because they dislike being vulnerable (not that they consciously use these words).

They hate being asked for it, and they unfortunately start to make their man feel bad about his need for sex, and because the man loves the woman, he slowly rejects the intensely sexual part of himself in order to feel more loved and accepted by her, and in order not to ‘hurt’ her.

The reality is that men and women are both very much driven by sex – sex and procreation is behind much of our actions and decisions. This doesn’t have to mean that men always just want to have sex, no, no! Sexual energy can be used in many other ways to benefit an intimate relationship.

More On Perceived Love Through a Blowjob

Women often perceive love in different things than what men do (obviously). A woman may perceive love in a man taking the time to listen to her, buy her gifts, take her out, commit to her, protect her, talk to her, put her first, hug her, caress her, call her, write her letters, making the first move, being the rock and the leader in the relationship, complimenting her, etc.

Whilst many of these things are important to men too, men also perceive great love in being given oral sex and having sex in general. They are not so much talkers like women are, and perceive that a woman loves him if she is sexually and energetically open to him – or if she does have sex with him.

Do you have to engage in physical intercourse to meet a man’s need for connection?

You do not have to give a blow job or have sex with a man in order for a man to feel all of these things that I have just described. Not at all! A blow job is just an act – a potential vehicle through which you get to give a wonderful gift to a man of all these things I’ve described above.

However, when you cannot have sex, or when your body truly does not want to open to sex (because you need to trust a man more first, or because you need to bond with a man more first – which are all very important things!) then you should absolutely not give a blow job or have sex out of fear.

You can still give a blow job if you want to give a man a gift without having to have sex. But you should never do it out of fear or to try to keep a man around!

Why?

Here’s why…

It’s not the blow job or the sex with you that he wants the most, deep down. There is something else that you can give that is much more valuable…here it is…

Men want you to be open to them more than they want sex

A lot of us, men and women, assume that for men, sex and blow jobs are the most important thing, and we mistakenly assume that without sex, men will be unhappy. Women especially fear that if they do not ‘put out’ – they are not a good girlfriend, and they are not worthy, or that a man will leave her.

The reality is, is that what men truly want deep down, is not sex, it is a woman’s feminine energy that he wants. What does that mean? Well, at the core of it, it is a symbol of value from the woman – it is the hope of future access to a woman – it is a sense that she is open to him and him only.

If you want to learn more about what it means to show openness, check this article: What men Really Want When They Push You For Sex.

Saying ‘I Love You’ is not as powerful as doing ‘I Love You’

There are many ways to express love. In this respect, men speak a different language of love, and it is no use telling a man you love him, and admire him (which is always fantastic, by the way!) if you will not open up and give him your feminine energy (which is just your responsiveness and aliveness).

And, saying ‘I love You’ is nice, but it’s not as valuable as you feeling open to him sexually. I did say ‘feeling’ open to him sexually – what matters is that you are not giving him the impression that you are closing off to him – because this scares him – a lot. Why? Because men are afraid of their woman’s sexual infidelity more than anything else. They had to be afraid of it – because if a woman makes a man a cuckold (gets pregnant by another man whilst in a relationship with him), then that means a man spent valuable physical and emotional resources on her for nothing.

It is, evolutionarily speaking – the absolute worst thing that can happen to a man. For 9 whole months he will spend valuable resources on a woman, taking care of her – whilst she carries another man’s child.

So always remember – having sex with a man is not as valuable as making sure you stay emotionally and sexually open to him. This means not deliberately threatening the relationship in any way, cutting him off, giving the silent treatment, or giving the cold shoulder and trying to make him feel small.

If a man loves a woman, he craves for her to be open to him/accept him, not only sexually, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. (read my article about how to respect a man)

(Of course, if you don’t truly ‘feel it’ for a man, I’m not asking you to fake it. Not at all! I am simply saying to remain open. If you are scared of having sex or scared of trusting him, for any reason, at least let him know your feelings – this gives him an opening, a sign that you are still present and you are still ‘his’ and it gives him an opportunity – and it is worth much more than you closing off, avoiding him or wearing a bunch of masks to cover up your deepest truths)

What is Value to Men and How Men Feel Loved

The important thing to take out of this point is that by giving your man oral sex, you are giving him love in the way that he understands it and can receive it. In order to truly give to someone, you have to understand how they perceive love, and being taken care of. It’s the same in an intimate relationship.

We can be a ‘giver’ all that we like – but if we give what is valuable in our own world, without getting out of ourselves and considering if a man truly perceives value in what we’re giving, then we’re wasting valuable time and energy. Time and energy that we won’t ever be able to get back!

Although you may not always perceive love in being given oral sex by him (at least not as much as he perceives love in being given oral sex), he perceives love.This is sometimes very difficult for women to relate to, which is why I am writing this post. It’s very easy for a woman to consider a man insensitive, sleazy or selfish if he is regularly asking for sex, or if he regularly seems to try to ‘grope’ her – which is really him just wanting her to open up and feel, and be alive.

And, it is often that women exclaim in confusion: ‘Why is it all about the sex?!!” It isn’t. It’s about how men perceive love, acceptance and admiration. We have to look beyond what a man is saying he wants, and look deeper, considering what a man is really asking for.

For many years now, men have been encouraged to reject the ‘ungentlemanly’ side of themselves which breaks the rules, and wants to dominate a woman, or engage in passionate sex with a woman.

A lot of men are afraid to ‘hurt’ their woman, and fear asking for sex, for fear of rejection.

This leads to a painful contradiction for a man. He fears rejection if he asks, yet he feels rejection anyway, when you don’t want to have sex with him.

When a woman does not reject her dark side, she is high value to men

To a man, if a woman is energetically open to him and not rejecting of him (if she is warm and loving), it is incredible value to him. it is much more important than just having sex or giving a blow job.

Giving a blow job can be a dark act or it can be a light act – in other words, it can be loving and spiritual or it can be dark and dirty and liberating.

It’s also important for women to consider that the masculine energy perceives importance and significance in a woman being energetically open to him, and in a woman being very sexually attracted to him.

if you do not regularly engage in sex, yet you truly do not reject your own dark sexual energy (eg: your deep down desire to surrender all control, or to be dominated by a man that you trust), then you are already a high value woman, and you are already giving incredible value to a man, even if you don’t engage in sexual intercourse or oral sex.

This is because you are free, and by being with you, a man is also free, even sexually free – free to be all that he is, sexually, and free to experience the whole realm of who you are and connect to the whole realm of who you are (and all he is).

That is the ultimate value and gift of freedom to a man.

Does this mean you HAVE to give blow jobs?

I am not here to tell you that you must give blow jobs. I’m not here to tell you that you should give blow jobs. But I am here to let you know that a blow job is valuable to your man even if you do not feel like sex. You are a grown woman and you can make your own choices.

But this important is just here for perspective. It is only something for you to consider.

It always helps to be open to understanding what is value to your man in a relationship.

Maybe you are not ready to give blow jobs right now, and that is okay. In fact, that is more than okay, and it is necessary. I encourage you to accept that you don’t feel ready – and ask yourself why.

Your man will have to accept that he is in a relationship with a female, not a male…

At the end of the day, you are a woman, you naturally have menstrual cycles – and your desire for sex will change constantly, based on the time of the month, where you are in the world, how you feel, how your man makes you feel, how much trust you feel for your man, how willing you are to surrender and be out of control, and even how your girlfriends make you feel.

Men are going to have to accept that if they want a woman – then they must love that they have a woman. A woman isn’t ready for sex all of the time – sometimes she might go through a phase like that; but ultimately, she has not got 300 million sperm that she makes every day and that is easily expendable – she usually only releases one egg per month, and often, hoe much she desires sex is tied closely to the mechanism of that egg and where her cycle is at.

A blow job – even if you don’t want to give a blow job, is still value to a man. Just because we don’t feel that it’s valuable, doesn’t mean that our man doesn’t feel that it’s valuable.

For example, our man might not perceive much value in being romantic and generous to his woman, but his woman does! So if he does show romance, and considers her anyway (at least every now and then, maybe a few times a year), it means to HER that he cares about her and loves her.

Living in your Feminine Energy

NOTE: this article has been updated as of May 2017.

To put it simply, if a woman is open to experiencing her own dark and light sexual desires, her feminine energy, and appreciates and chooses to understand rather than reject the masculine energy – she will have no trouble understanding and even appreciating the fact that her man gets a lot of his needs met through sex and a woman’s freedom and openness to be all of herself sexually.

Of course, he would also enjoy sex and blow jobs.

It is much easier to have a healthy relationship when you are open to all parts of your man (and yourself). As uncomfortable and difficult as it can be.

Do you want to understand men more? Click here to get our popular program Understanding Men.

What do You think about this topic? Do you agree?

Read this no-nonsense article on giving a man oral sex.

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  • knuckledragger

    Great stuff. Wanted to give a shout out to men desiring openness more than sex point. My wife’s affection actually diminishes my sexual appetite… a little;) Blow jobs feel like the most emotionally intertwined reflection of her love for me. Completely pleasuring me of her own volition and desire. When a man goes down on you do you feel loved, adored or violated? Same for men.

  • YeahRightPal

    :…we mistakenly assume that without sex, men will be unhappy.”

    No. You are not mistaken. The fact that you think you ARE indicates that you know nothing about men. No Sex = Unhappy Man.

    In a relationship, men want to be DESIRED. They want to be WANTED. They only way that women can unmistakably affirm (to him) that this is the case is through the intimate connection made by engaging in the sexual act.

    Take away sex and you affirm NEITHER of these. Expect trouble when you do, and don’t say you weren’t warned.

  • Screw_Globalism

    Why men love blowjobs ??….Not me , never have !!

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