Firstly, please don’t be fooled by the flashy title. I’m not encouraging women to play dumb, be in a ‘housewife’ role, or be helpless and have no opinions. Being submissive to a man is not about that at all. I’m also not encouraging women to be submissive all the time – being submissive is just another role that a woman can take up every now and then in her relationship.

The reason I’m talking about being submissive is because it can bring more passion, strength and life to a relationship, if it’s received by a man with love and respect.

Being submissive is NOT something that you do with an abusive man.

It is just another part of you that you might want to bring out sometimes.

Being submissive – whether in a joking or serious way can awaken the most masculine yet tender character in a man. Submission is almost never about admitting you’re ‘wrong’, ‘incapable’ or ‘weaker’ than a man. Being submissive just allows for a man to feel more like a man around you, and – as a result, have that extra bit of passion (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

And, part of being in touch with your femininity is feeling all the different parts of yourself that you can feel in your body – and how to ‘go there’ when you need to. Submission is a part of learning to become more feminine as well.

So, the question of how to be submissive leads me to bringing up some things that you will need to understand and therefore be able to be submissive at times.

The ‘how’ will come to you through understanding of the reason behind it. Our society has encouraged women to keep their guard up, wear masks (instead of being comfortable in their feminine core/essence), be ‘right’ all the time, and be like steel in the face of conflict. That is definitely not how to be submissive at all.

Opening up about submissive relationship

I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll mention it again – that a man really wants his woman to be open to him, and to let him in (emotionally, mentally, sexually, spiritually). The problem with the way we’re educated (or not educated) at school, is that it’s turned a lot of women in to these intensely dominating creatures that completely emasculate the men around them. (read my article about learning how to be open)

The problem with this is that, in the face of conflict in a relationship (there always IS conflict and always will be, it’s natural and good) women use these steel masks to cover up the natural parts of themselves that would come out when in moments of connectedness with a man.

Women can feel the MOST vulnerable.

As a result, they have to use masks more than anything, to survive in a world that doesn’t honour sensitivity – and that’s sensitivity to how people are treating us, how others feel, how we feel and honest feedback.

Our society seems to value being socially acceptable. There’s nothing wrong with that – until we’ve practised it so long that we bring the same need to be ‘acceptable’ and fake in our intimate relationships.

In the face of conflict, a woman can decide to open up to her man and remove the mask. Decisions shape your future, and it’s as simple as making a decision, and focusing on the positives of doing this rather than the comfort of doing things the same way you always have.

Let him in and try to let him take the lead – try to trust him even when it feels unfamiliar.

(Sorry for the generalisations – but for the purpose of this post, they are useful).

The truth is, in general, men are built naturally stronger than women.

And, they operate differently to women mentally too (think about a woman’s handbag, and how she magically fits in the contents of an entire HOUSE in it; versus a man who only carries a wallet with a few cards and some money; men are much simpler and women are much more complex and thoughtful creatures).

Deep down, all women have vulnerabilities and deep fears and feelings of uncertainty, especially in the face of violence. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

A trustable man wants you to show him this!

It’s a simple word of ‘I am afraid’ or ‘this scares me.’

Trust

The trends in our society have also lead women to become less trusting of men; one feminist even claiming that ‘all men are rapists’. *raises eyebrows* 

But, every day there are men being heroic and standing up for what is right, and protecting and taking care of people.

Being submissive is also about trusting your man enough to let him show you the way sometimes. Many women ask how not to be boring in their relationship. And guess what, this is just one of them.

And, asking him for help. Or asking him for his opinion, or asking him for solutions.

Many men who are in touch with their masculinity at their core would jump at the chance to help a woman with something – really! It makes him feel needed, and useful. Not to mention manly 🙂

So, ask him for help even with the smallest things like bringing the shopping in, opening a jar, carrying something heavy, undoing a knot, etc. Give him trust where you know it is deserved, and do it without question.

The masculine energy wants to be trusted. If you doubt your man all the time, it feels hurtful.

He wants to have good direction to add to your life – to be trustworthy to you, but if there’s a cycle of your not being willing to trust him, it makes it hard for him to BECOME more trustworthy, as each mistrust is possibly stripping him of hope.

Have you seen men with their little girls/daughters? They don’t want to let ANYTHING hurt their little girl! The same goes with their wife or girlfriend, if only she could show a little innocence and submission like a child might – looking up to him as the leader.

No masculine man wants to fail at leadership. (read my article about making a man succeed)

Ability to be uncertain

This is where being submissive is especially powerful and strong, on the woman’s part. To be submissive, a woman has to be ok with  being uncertain.

She has to let her guard down, peel off the mask and look of ‘steel’  and be free. Just look to your man as a possible source of strength for you when you might need it.

This is incredibly strong from a woman’s part.

A lot of people think that by not trusting people, they are being strong, independent and smart.

But, where does a lack of trust get us, really?

It gets us a whole world of pain, that’s what it does. We walk around, holding ourselves back, not able to be free and to let go, and to fully enjoy what life has to offer, and not able to give people a chance to show their better side (often if you trust someone, they want to please MORE, as I was saying above about not trusting a man and how this can sometimes push him to betrayal). (read my article about a strong woman)

The happiness and freedom you are able to experience in your life now, and in the future is in DIRECT PROPORTION to the level of UNCERTAINTY you can comfortably handle.

The same goes with your intimate relationship! The quality of your relationship with your man is in direct proportion to the level of uncertainty that you can handle.

(please see this post on ‘is he Mr. Right?‘ for more information).

Surrendering and Being Submissive

Part of knowing how to be submissive, and knowing that it doesn’t mean you are inferior is understanding that by surrendering to a man’s leadership and strength at times, you allow your relationship to flow, be real and just be free. Without so much pent up anger and negative association that plagues many modern marriages and relationships.

Men can grow to resent a woman who is always fighting to be more like men.

As my report ‘What Men Think’ reveal, most men who took part in the survey indicated that they most respected and admired a woman who was comfortable with her femininity and able to let her guard down, thereby letting him in: being open to him. Making a man’s role real and worthy.

Also, being able to surrender shows that you have plenty of self confidence, esteem as a woman (not having to prove yourself and be in CONTROL all the time). You can also be charming when you “surrender” at the right time and the right person.

The root of our conflict with men is not being able to understand them. If you want to gain more understanding of men, Click here to check out more information of our popular program Understanding Men.

There is a follow-on post related to this one, please see ‘Surrendering to Masculine Energy‘ 🙂

I hope you enjoyed this. Any concerns or thoughts, be sure to let me know! 🙂

renee-wade

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Ashley
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Ashley

Amen! I read this and you are so right!

Lainey
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Lainey

… Being FEMININE has absolutely nothing to do with being submissive. And being MASCULINE has nothing to do with being dominant…. A woman can be strong, assertive, competent, and confident, without being “manly.” And a man can be understanding, kind, and more of a thinker than a doer, without being “emasculated.” You are defining such old, old gender roles, and while they are still clearly present in today’s society and media, there is no biological or psychological reason that a certain gender has to act a certain way. Yes, I am about 5 feet and 2 inches tall. I run… Read more »

Candy
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Candy

THIS. What about men lowering their guard?
Don’t tell me how to be feminine. I’m not going to revert to being a little girl to please anyone. I’ll let him do the heavy lifting. I’ll trust him with my thoughts. He should too.

Michelle
Guest
Michelle

I wish I could be submissive, but my husband wants me to take care of everything…bills, work, kids, house work, dinner, cleaning, etc. It is very little he takes on. It gets on the way of his comfort levels. He likes everything in order with very minimal effort. Even in our intimate times, which are very seldom, he just lays there and expects me to do all the work. If I do not initiate it, he wont. Sometimes I have even not initiated intimacy for weeks and months and he, plain and simple would just not engage on it. I… Read more »

new to this
Guest
new to this

I am new to this and actually dont want to come accross as being uneducated, I have spend hours and hours reading and researching this topic,due to advice that the man I have been seeing gave me. At first, I honestly thought that this new found remarkble man was just going to be a sex partner for me to get over a horrible ling relationship. I was so intrigued by his expectations in the bedroom as well as very pleased that i began asking him questions, and to my surprise realized that i wanted nothing more than to give him… Read more »

new to this
Guest
new to this

Sorry didn’t mean to send without completing my statement!! As a bartender it has been basically impossible to find someone that is willing to be supportive of my job, but he is completely supportive, I am assuming it is because he is secure enough with himself that he isn’t worried about what my job consist of. So, another question that I have for you is this, he isn’t the “bar” type, doesn’t care for the surroundings, believe it or not, neither do I, but when he tells me to do what I have to, flirt, shake my butt, whatever it… Read more »

Ashley
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Ashley

I was raised to be more dominant than submissive. Not until I got married did I understand the importance of submissiveness and femininity. It has made a world of difference in my relationship! My husband becomes stronger and manlier the more I become submissive and feminine 🙂 it’s actually a very interesting dynamic and I love it! I also came across a book called Fascinating Womanhood that radically changed my life. I would definitely recommend checking it out. There are times where I go back to the way I was raised (maybe during arguments for example) and the results are… Read more »

Grace Ortiz
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Grace Ortiz

This is a great column. It took me over 9 yrs. to realize I couldn’t be strong all the time for everyone including my husband, once I internalized how much strength it took to keep up that facade I realized I had to let it go and set myself free and it’s ok to lean on my man for support and strength. It has made a world of a difference and because of it no matter what problems or situations we go thru we continue to strive on together. I don’t always have to be the glue.

Nurse
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Nurse

Thank you so much. I agree with this 100% I love to be feminine and submissive in my relationship. It feels good to have a man that can lead our family. This is a great article.

karen
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karen

A recent article by Renee discussed being a “pleaser” as opposed to being a “giver”, which made me think of this article. I think it would too easy to slide into being a pleaser if one doesn’t clearly understand the concept of being submissive. Pleasers are very annoying and Renee discussed how this is not healthy in a relationship and will push a man away. I;m comfortable in a submissive role, but feel it’s important to keep it in perspective, and not try to please him in everything, because that can lead to feeling diminished as a person. I’ve done… Read more »

Myrtrice
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Myrtrice

I found this article to be very enlightening. I thought I was doing to right thing by following my husband’s lead (my idea of submission) only he interpreted it to be a lack of self respect. Gradually his attacks and mood swings caused me to begin taking more responsibility for myself. Something that seemed unnatural in a relationship but seemed to be the best way to avoid pain and quarrels. He would often say he doesnt know what it was that made him so discontented because he lived in paradise and should be happier. I often felt that maybe he… Read more »

muslimah
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muslimah

I just wanted to say that I really liked this post an ive been tryingto find ways to be more womanly for my man and this article gives you simple tips. So thanks for that. Also as a muslim woman I agree that this is a natural way of being as stated by Chrystyana. Since we also believe in the truth of the Bible (which I dont think many people know). We call it ‘fitrah’ a natural way of being. and by nature we meant to be paired just like all creatures have a male and female pair and God… Read more »

Kate
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Kate

Thank you so much for your article. My husband and I are beginning to understand and explore our relationship that has, unknowingly, been more or less and D/s relationship. Can you suggest any books that will help us understand the psychology behind our dominant/submissive behaviour? Neither of us is in to receiving or giving pain but most texts I find are related to sexual D/s with a heavy emphasis on giving/receiving pain.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Gorgonopsid
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Gorgonopsid

Equality simply means two properties that are EQUIVALENT; they are the same type and same amount e.g. two biologists in the same field of study and of equal intelligence in that field. Since submission and dominance are not equivalent roles when it comes to leadership, then they are not equal by definition of the word equality. So either you don’t believe in equality of men and women and you do believe submission and dominance roles or you believe in equality and don’t believe in submission and dominance roles; otherwise that is inconsistent. And by the way what is “masculine and… Read more »

schatzi
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schatzi

When my relationship with my boyfriend was brand new, I quickly understood that when he made a decision, he did NOT want an argument about it. But I began to see that due to some severe health issues, he often does not feel as if he has any control or influence, and he came off as being bossy and controlling, sometimes to his disadvantage. I learned that if I gave him the respect he was craving, and stopped second-guessing his decisions, he became less stubborn and more willing to let me into his life and heart. I felt that it… Read more »

charly
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charly

You are on point sister! Methink you are the model for every woman that wants to have peace, love, understanding, wisdom and respect in her relationship with her man! You can never be more correct with this master piece!

Ronette H.
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Ronette H.

I think people should really look up that word submission. There is too much emphasis on who should be in control in a relationship when it clearly takes two people to learn how to compromise, instead of the woman being submissive. That is very one sided and is very selfish for anyone to have this kind of concept. Let’s be honest, submission means that you are giving up control of yourself. People can sugarcoat that word all they want, but it is what it is. A woman should never give up having control of herself just to make a man… Read more »

Lindsey Brennan
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Lindsey Brennan

I disagree with Tracey’s thoughts on this matter. Her suggestion that the author find females with healthy emotional well being is condescending and contradictory. She advises that she has had different experiences and apparently seeks understanding and acceptance that her opinion is different than insults the author by stating she should find females with healthy emotional well being. I am one of a large number of females that is submissive in the form that is described here. I am also emotionally healthy as are those in my circle. Female submission is not an indicator of lack of emotional health. Tracey… Read more »

Syd
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Syd

Equating feminity with submissiveness is just misogyny masquerading as help. Mature women don’t tolerate being secondary to men, and mature men aren’t so fragile as to require it. I hope anyone who considers taking the advice on this site checks out a proper therapist instead.

Lindsey Brennan
Guest
Lindsey Brennan

No, Syd. Misogyny has many forms. Including those who tell healthy adult women that they can’t make choices that are correct for them. Mature women respect that other mature women have different worldviews and don’t attempt to imply that anyone that doesn’t fit a strain of feminism’s ideology that they are emotionally unwell. Syd, you have no idea what it takes to be a true submissive and yet are posing as some healthy expert on the lives of others. Perhaps you should consult a proper therapist that can teach you respect for diversity.

Teresa W.
Guest
Teresa W.

thank you for your article, only some of us have had very bad experiences in relationships. It is hard to trust in fear of being hurt again. Men have this sorta ego thing going on, and you are correct, if we could learn to submit and be ourselves. I really hate the person I have become, and that is to stand up for myself. I love God, and if no one wants my love, he does. Women are tired of men playing their Dad and not the role they should. No need to take advantage of us. Signed, what am… Read more »

Anon
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Anon

45 year old single male here. Well thought out article, I think the term submissive is probably a trap.. it has so many poor connotations now. In a way I think the term genteel may be at least as appropriate (with other problems). I know this will sound odd, but accepting that the other person can be a source of strength and comfort is not.. being submissive (at least to me) its just being a partner on that can accept help as well as give help to some one. One of my basic views in life is that there is… Read more »

Robin
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Robin

Thanks for this article. I have a submissive streak a valley wide, but I get offended by a lot of articals written about submission in relationships, many are written from a religious perspective and will preach to women about giving their men all control, it becomes very self-deprecating and alienating towards women. This artical is the only one I’ve found that communicates the modern meaning of submission. I’m a strong, level-headed woman, and I’m naturally suspicious of others’ motives, but I trusting a man and looking towards him for guidance and protection when I need it is what love is… Read more »

Bonnie
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Bonnie

I am 36 years old, most of my life I have been the one in the relationship to take care of all the business of the household…I am married to a great man now, but we always run into problems because I take the responsabilities away from my husband. We always get into fights because he says I emasculate him, how do I change this when I have been this way for my whole life? I have been through abuse in my first marriage, lost my second husband to an accident, and I want to work things out with my… Read more »

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