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Article updated 2018

“I gave too much and didn’t get anything back.”

This is a common line. It’s also a lazy line. As well as an arrogant line.

When we say this, we’re just angry.

It’s something we say in an attempt to feel better about losing a man’s attention, or losing him altogether.

(Click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass)

Here’s the problem with that: You’re not giving anyone ANYTHING unless they perceive value in what you are giving.

I’ll give you an example. I have a good school friend of 15 years. We both had a mutual friend in school days – I’ll call her ‘F’. We had problems with F. My friend of 15 years and I used to talk about how we were good friends to F – patient, forgiving and understanding.

And yet, our mutual friend still didn’t want to talk to us or be close to us – basically, she didn’t really see us as her friends.

Years later, I realised…this person didn’t perceive value in good friends (at least good friends in the way I defined it). At least that wasn’t the predominant part of her showing up for most of her life. She perceived VALUE in people who would make her look more popular, seem cooler, and more worthy of attention.

People that make you look more popular don’t have to be friends. They can even be enemies. Usually, when you’re in trouble, these people disappear.

I wasn’t that type to make her look more popular. I love staying home, having deep conversations for hours, and I love being with only one other person (more intimate) or with a small group of people I am familiar with, rather than being a part of the party scene.

The mutual friend of hours spent most of her time ‘going for it’ – getting the degree that made her more successful and higher status than other people, getting the superficial friends who would also enjoy popularity rather than depth with her, etc… There is nothing bad about this; that’s the way she is, and it’s just what it is.

But it definitely didn’t make what I thought I had to offer her any VALUABLE to her.

What she wanted was what seemed cool and got her more popularity. That’s fine. It just means that a woman who was able to facilitate that would be a ‘better friend’ to her and SHE would perceive more VALUE in that than what I had to give.

This idea is true than with MEN!

It doesn’t matter how much WE think we are giving to a man, what we give is usually what is High Value in a WOMAN’S world, but the man couldn’t care less, and doesn’t value it.

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

We must be Sensitive to his response to us

Here is how you can truly have the pride to say you’ve given something of value to a man: Whether you’ve GIVEN something that is actually valuable should always be measured by his response.

If we merely assume that we have given a lot and gotten nothing BACK – we are not even embodying one of the very fundamental parts of being a woman and that is – being connected to, and sensitive to the person we are engaging with!

You can’t just sit meekly in our own world, pretending that we are the victim of ungratefulness all the time.

Just because our mother or aunt Betsy said “always give a man steak and chips on a Friday night and wash his dishes every Wednesday” doesn’t mean that you doing what aunt Betsy said is actually giving anything.

It makes us happier, and better to those around us when we actually become sensitive to:

– other people’s response to what we are doing

– how they feel when we do something we think is good

– their reactions to what we are saying

– how our presence affects them (whether it affects them at all)

What it could mean, however, is that we’re actually TAKING value from the man and being needy. Needy because we subconsciously expect something back from him when he doesn’t even perceive value in our ‘gifts’ in the first place. (See this article)

We all make the mistake of giving the wrong thing…

All humans have and always will make the mistake of assuming that what we give is valuable. We are naturally that selfish and frustrated. But it doesn’t make it work with men, you know? It’s your choice, though. You always have a choice.

Be High Value in the eyes of men, and be proud that you’re sensitive to what is working in his world and what is value to HIM.

(Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?)

OR

Blindly do what is easy and intuitive for you, but quite possibly see him walk away and never return when you get angry that he isn’t giving back. Why would he give back when you never gave him anything in the first place?

The same mistake is made by men, by the way. Men give what they think is value to women when it’s not.

For example. A lot of men think grabbing his girlfriend’s boobs is going to make her be open to him and lead to intimacy of some sort. Many are confused when they do that and his girlfriend not only gets annoyed – she does the OPPOSITE of what he wanted (her openness) – ie: she actually closes off to him.

But don’t be too fast to point the finger at men.

That just makes us lazy.

We don’t get what we want by pointing the finger. People don’t change because we pointed the finger.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

People only change their actions towards us when we change ourselves.

On the other hand, if we really become attuned to what is value to a man, we can be proud knowing that we are earning a great relationship; rather than being lonely and bitter about giving something that wasn’t really giving anything in the first place.

What a waste of energy that is – especially the victim mindset that comes with this way of thinking.

If you are interested in knowing what it is that a devoted man would feel is High Value, the answers are in my program Understanding Men, click here to learn more information about this popular program.

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Fh1
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Fh1

I LOVE you articles renee and this is one of my top 5. However despite the sense of understanding others it does feel here like you thing the other girl was shallow and you are better. Normally you come over as 1000% high value

Adele
Guest
Adele

I guess the love, support, openness, intimacy and respect I showed wasn’t valuable to him.

I mean at the end of the day not every man is going to want to be with you. Why take it personally if a man isn’t responding to your “gifts”? If one man doesn’t like it, another man will. All you have to do is be yourself and love yourself. All this other stuff is just extra stress.

Kathy
Guest
Kathy

Renee, this article really made me relax recently. I realized I was trying really hard to be this perfect woman, to never get insecure, to present myself as this open fun hot woman. I also tried to give him everything: affection, expressing my love and respect, compromising my plans to help dogsit, organizing his place because it was a mess. I felt SO depleted and I was NOT getting the expression of love I felt I needed so deeply, he was not doing giving things for me and never seem to prioritize me. I read this article and also decided… Read more »

Chelse'
Guest
Chelse'

Renee, thank you for your honest, straight forward advice. So many people wear a veil hiding their authentic selves only to allude what they truly desire. I appreciate that you say what so many are afraid to.

Josalyn
Guest
Josalyn

Hey everyone,

I do feel like I’m doing too much and today I broke it off with my bf. is it okay to still love someone so deeply even though he doesn’t love you right or excepts you? I feel like I want to kill myself. I’m moving out as soon as possible but I still feel like just giving up on everything. This site gives me hope that there are better guys out there that are awesome and treats me well and loves me as much as I love my bf now. So thank you.

Josalyn

Debbie
Guest
Debbie

Josalyn, Please know that you are valuable and have many gifts to offer this world! Please do not throw that away!!! Nobody is worth you throwing your life away and if you still feel that way, please talk to a counselor or pastor now!!! From personal experience I can say that once a woman becomes emotionally healthy and understands her self-worth, she is more likely to attract men who are emotionally healthy. My experience has taught me I needed to become healthy first and not place my self-worth in a man. If you want, you can email me at schizandra06@yahoo.com.… Read more »

Anais
Guest
Anais

Great article! So true that people tend to give what they value for themselves, rather what the other person find valuable. And when they give so much of what they value, and receive little in return, they say “I gave too much!” But they weren’t giving what the other party wanted. I’ve been that person many times, usually by being too accommodating or initiating conversations with men instead of letting him come to me (which he values more and so do I!).

Julie
Guest
Julie

Thank you so much for sending this to me today. I needed it more than you will ever know. I was in a relationship with a man for nearly a year. We’ve been broken up for five months now and I still beat myself up for our entire relationship. I felt as if I constantly gave. So much so that at times I felt completely empty. I was also always needing from him because I did not get anything back. I was exhausted and frustrated. I gave him everything I had to give. He is a very unhappy, unsettled man.… Read more »

Paula
Guest
Paula

Julie, this man sounds like a narcissist, I say this because I know, boy oh boy do I know. Don’t beat yourself up anymore but take a little bit of time to research Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if you recognize if the similarities are more in depth. If you find you recognize him as having narcissistic tendencies, don’t waste any more time trying to figure him out, be happy that you are free of him, because they NEVER change and it all gets worse. Not all men are worth our effort regardless of how much we like, want, or… Read more »

Anais
Guest
Anais

I agree with Paula. He sounds narcissistic. No matter what you do that won’t change. And I totally agree, they aren’t all worth the effort. Utilizing advice to improve relationships with men should be put into practice, but a lot of the time, it really is the man’s behavior, and isn’t because of how you are relating to him. Don’t be hard on yourself and him being gone will leave space to attract a better quality man 🙂

Joyce
Guest
Joyce

I have a female friend, well more of an acquaintance. I think SHE thinks we’re friends. You nailed it about her. She is only friends with people who make her look more popular. The few times we have gone out this year, she plops her purse on my chair then works the room. Not to even meet men, but I find that in all her conversations with people of both sexes and all ages, she is always looking for “what’s in it for me” instead of enjoying a conversation or finding anyone interesting. We met when I was on top… Read more »

Jessie
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Jessie

I’ve had a few girlfriends like this…It boggles my mind that women that are past their teen years, would step on their close friends in a heartbeat, just to be with the popular crowd. They would call me all the time wanting somebody to listen to them without judgment , but I learned later that deep down they didn’t see me as valuable. They just saw me as somebody to vent to and to cry to. Now, on some level I can understand…they weren’t the “cool ones” in high school and they want to get a taste of that while… Read more »

Debbie
Guest
Debbie

Good article, and I agree that in healthy relationships each should be attentive to, and try to provide, what the other perceives as valuable. I wouldn’t, after all, want a man to buy me a power drill for my birthday! 🙂 Your article does raise a couple of questions, though. Hypothetically speaking, what if a woman is in a relationship with a man merely for his money. He buys her nice and expensive things she likes, but he also is very attentive to her needs in every other way. Suppose he, through no fault of his own, encounters financial hardship.… Read more »

rosa
Guest
rosa

awesome article and I agree – one thing undermining it for me is you tell the readers not to be arrogant etc and to look for what people around them really want and give that (presumably if they want to) but your description of the semi friend at high school came across with you as superior – and her superficial, I myself am like you but am learning to see everyone values different things she may really value ‘fun’ you and I may really value people being there in hard times – we could just as easily spin it round… Read more »

Whitesnakewoman
Guest
Whitesnakewoman

u can find out what a person appreciates by noticing what they like to listen to, or eat, or what they talk about – its taking an interest in that person and what makes them “tick” – not rocket science!

K
Guest
K

How do we know what is of value to him? Sometimes people can be so ambiguous – saying one thing and reacting a totally different way. You think they enjoy something and they don’t. LOL. So how do you know?

Whitesnakewoman
Guest
Whitesnakewoman

I just wanted to comment about the article and one of the posts that was left in response. Firstly I think its a case of just being aware of that person and what they value – what you might think is just a book or a CD might be the ultimate missing part of their collection or something they have been looking for a long time – one man’s meat is another’s poison as they say. I also wanted to say that the writer, A, at the top of the comments, needs to be very cautious about her fiance. From… Read more »

A
Guest
A

Thank you Whitesnake woman! That was helpful. I totally would have valued a less angry response from my fiance.

A.
Guest
A.

I feel sad and confused about my fiance’s reaction concerning his birthday gift. I ordered the sneakers he liked for his birthday. He asked me to send them back and make an exchange because they were too small, so i did. They no longer had the sneakers he wanted to exchange in the size he wanted. By then we had gotten into a horrible argument and weren’t speaking. We began speaking again at some point. When things got calm, he asked about the sneakers. I explained they no longer had his size. Then he got angry with me because i… Read more »

Steve
Guest
Steve

Great content. Everything really comes down to “Perceived value” in regards to deposits that we are making in our partners love bank account.

Anna
Guest
Anna

Sometimes, when we are stressed, or we feel unloved, we lash out in stupid ways. Every couple has these kinds of silly arguments. It’s because one person gets things done in a different way than the other person. Normally, when we TRUST that the other person has good intentions, & only wanted the best for us, we are easily convinced that it was just an honest mistake and no big deal. But sometimes, when we don’t trust the person, or have slowly built up resentment for that person either by the person taking us for granted, or because the person… Read more »

Anna
Guest
Anna

This answer was in response to A.

Holly
Guest
Holly

This is exellent Renee, very informative! I felt like I was having a psychology lesson on this one :-D. So many times in my life were I gave, and maybe not for all the right reasons, but I use to be the type of person to share all my sweeties as a chile and I’d let people ride my bike ect, without even thinking about it. My mom use to tell not to do it though, and the truth is, people took advantage of my good nature. I think that by the time I was in a relationship with my… Read more »

Kira
Guest
Kira

Wow, um no. You tried. He doesn’t have to appreciate or like it but to be so angry about it. I wouldn’t be so down on yourself for that. I’d tell him you did the best you could and you felt so excited to get him something that it blows that it didn’t turn out the way expected. And if he wants to be angry, well let him be angry. That’s his problem not yours. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that he could very well have taken care of the shoe problem himself if he didn’t… Read more »

Kira
Guest
Kira

Sorry, wrong person. It was meant for the person above you.

A
Guest
A

Thanks Kira! I feel better now. 🙂

Pamela W
Guest
Pamela W

Nana, my take on that is that he didn’t perceive that ‘Have a nice day’ messages as something that required a response. However, you were on his mind, as is evidenced by sending you something you would like. I think things are going just fine for you.

Anna
Guest
Anna

Wow, Renee, This article is probably one of the most important ones in your blog to read on a daily basis, in my opinion. I see so many women (& I’ve done it countless times too) say that their man ignores them & takes them for granted because they’ve given too much. But the truth is 2 things 1) we haven’t given what’s valuable to him and 2) your quote “people only change their actions toward us when we change ourselves.” He got it right the next day though when he brought over a bottle of wine as a surprise.… Read more »

Anna
Guest
Anna

OH I had a quick question: how do we remember to do this when we are so deep into the feminine emotions that we don’t know which way is up or down? I.e. the irrational brain has taken over. It’s very hard to realise that we are not giving him what he truly values in this time. Maybe by reading this over and over it will sink into our subconscious?

Chanel
Guest
Chanel

This is really good stuff. Now I can see myself watching my guy’s reaction to everything I do this week, lol. I like this idea of watching his reactions because i want to be THE expert of knowing how to give my man what he percieves to be valuable. Thanks for dropping some science on us! That’s U.S. urban slang, I hope it makes sense, lol 🙂

reena
Guest
reena

Excellent article, but Renee its getting harder and harder each day. Women that don’t read and think they have all the moves, are making it hard for those that do read…I have actually seen first hand what was valuable to me was just a thank you to him. So I value everything you put out to the world if we (women) accept the information that you put out.

Nana
Guest
Nana

Beautiful post! I always wondered how we can measure the reaction after we do something that might be valuable to a man. Let’s say for example, Every so often I would txt my man wishing him to have a nice day at work, thanking him for the nice dinner/time we had the last few days, or just reminding him what a great person he is. Usually doesnt respond inmediately, but would send a message later on about something completely unrelated that might make me smile or laugh!!

CiCi
Guest
CiCi

Hi Renee,

I understand and agree with many things in the article but quite honestly when will this ever be reversed? I feel like I am constantly being told on how to work on myself so that I don’t “overwhelm” or “stress out” or “give too little/give too much” or be “too pushy/nagging” a man. But, there seems to be no conversation anywhere that I can find about men doing anything differently towards their part in relationships. ???

Thanks

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