“I gave too much and didn’t get anything back.”
This is a common line.
It’s also a lazy line. As well as an arrogant line.
When we say this, we’re just angry.
It’s something we say in an attempt to feel better about losing a man’s attention, or losing him altogether.
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Here’s the problem with that: You’re not giving anyone ANYTHING unless they perceive value in what you are giving.
I’ll give you an example.
I have a good school friend of 15 years.
We both had a mutual friend in school days – I’ll call her ‘F’.
We both had the same problems with F.
My friend of 15 years and I used to talk about how we were good friends to F – patient, forgiving and understanding.
And yet, our mutual friend still didn’t want to talk to us or be close to us – basically, she didn’t really see us as her friends.
Years later, I realised…this person didn’t perceive value in good friends (at least good friends in the way I defined it).
At least that wasn’t the predominant part of her showing up for most of her life.
She perceived VALUE in people who would make her look more popular, seem cooler, and more worthy of attention.
If your goal is to look popular, then the people that make you look more popular don’t have to be your friends.
They can be enemies.
I wasn’t that type to make her look more popular.
I was the more motherly type, I’d rather be with one or two people, having deep conversations for hours.
I see no value (and never did) see value in being a part of the party scene.
The mutual friend of hours spent most of her time ‘going for it’.
In other words, she spent hours getting the degree that made her more successful and higher status than other people.
(Ironically, she has the same degree as me – a double degree in law and arts.)
But we did it for different reasons.
She liked getting the superficial friends who would also enjoy popularity rather than depth with her, etc…
There is nothing bad about this; that’s the way she is, and it’s just what it is.
But it definitely didn’t make what I thought I had to offer her any VALUABLE to her.
What she wanted was what seemed cool and got her more popularity.
It just means that a woman who was able to facilitate that goal for her, would be a ‘better friend’ to her.
Also, SHE would perceive more VALUE in that other friend, than what I had to give.
What We Think Is Valuable May Not Be What A Man Feels Is Valuable
This idea is never more true than with MEN!
It doesn’t matter how much WE think we are giving to a man.
What we give is usually what is High Value in a WOMAN’S world, but the man couldn’t care less, and doesn’t value it.
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We must be Sensitive to his response to us
Here is how you can truly have the pride to say you’ve given something of value to a man:
Whether you’ve GIVEN something that is actually valuable should always be measured by his response.
If we merely assume that we have given a lot and gotten nothing BACK, we are not even embodying one of the very fundamental parts of being a woman.
That is – being connected to, and sensitive to the person we are engaging with!
We can’t just sit meekly in our own world, pretending that we are the victim of ungratefulness all the time.
Just because our mother or aunt Betsy said:
“Always give a man steak and chips on a Friday night and wash his dishes every Wednesday”
Doesn’t mean that you doing what aunt Betsy said is actually giving anything.
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Are You Sensitive Enough To The Man You Are “Giving” To?
It makes us happier, and better to those around us when we actually become sensitive to:
– Other people’s response to what we are doing
– How they feel when we do something we think is good
– Their reactions to what we are saying
– How our presence affects them (whether it affects them at all)
Instead of assuming we GAVE so much, it’s much smarter and more attuned to consider whether what we gave had expectations attached to it.
Ironically, sometimes, when women give to a man, it actually means that we’re actually TAKING value from the man and being needy.
Here’s a good example from a lady in my facebook group, who swore that every time she gave to a man, it meant the end of her relationship with him:
And here’s a follow up answer from D.Shen…
See how, through her follow up responses, it is clear that she gave not what he perceived value in, but what she wanted to give, to try to keep him around?
It can come across as needy.
Needy because we subconsciously expect something back from him when he doesn’t even perceive value in our ‘gifts’ in the first place. (See this article on the things we do that keep us single)
We all make the mistake of giving the wrong thing…
All humans have and always will make the mistake of assuming that what we give is valuable.
We are just naturally that selfish and frustrated.
But it doesn’t make it work with men, you know?
It’s your choice, though. You always have a choice.
You can be high value in the eyes of men, and be proud that you’re sensitive to what is working in his world and what is value to HIM.
Here’s an article on How To Be A High Value Woman To Men: 3 Traits To AVOID.
So, you can be the type of woman who is value-adding (for the sake of others), and for the sake of being generous.
Or, you can blindly do what is easy and intuitive for you, but quite possibly see him walk away.
Then you may feel angry that he isn’t giving back to you.
Why would he give back when you never gave HIM anything in the first place?
The same mistake is made by men, by the way!
Men give what they think is value to women when it’s not.
A lot of men think grabbing his girlfriend’s boobs is going to make her be open to him and lead to intimacy of some sort.
Many are often confused by the response they get when they do that to their girlfriend.
They find that she not only gets annoyed, she does the OPPOSITE of what he wanted – ie: she actually closes off to him.
But don’t be too fast to point the finger at men.
We don’t get what we want by pointing the finger. People don’t change because we pointed the finger.
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CLICK HERE to LEARN the one specific emotional trigger within every masculine man that inspires him to want to take care of you, worship you and deeply commit to you.
People only change their actions towards us when we change THIS
People around us change when WE change.
It may seem like hard work, and I’m not asking you to build a city.
I’m asking you to try to see what the man you love actually perceives value in. That’s the change I’m suggesting!
If we really become attuned to what is value to a man, we can be proud knowing that we are earning a great relationship!
Rather than being lonely and bitter about giving something that wasn’t really giving anything in the first place.
What a waste of energy that is.
Especially the victim mindset that comes with this way of thinking.
If you are interested in knowing what it is that a man would feel is high value in a woman, the answers are in my program Understanding Men. Click here to learn more information about this popular program.
P.S. Connect with me on social media.
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
- Here’s The Feminine Woman Facebook page…
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.