How to get close to people? There are two main ways…
- Become hyper aware of your patterns of pushing people away or creating disconnects; and
- Become well versed in the art of opening up and being vulnerable.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve witnessed many people claiming that they have really close relationships in their lives, but these people’s actions do not make their wishes seem convincing.
It’s not hard to see if a person is the type of person to withhold themselves emotionally (be emotionally stingy) and therefore push people away rather than bring them closer.
And when someone does withhold themselves emotionally; (not wanting to be seen for who they are deep down), it becomes difficult or them to know how to get close to people and have close relationships.
That’s just how it works. The more we avoid, the less close any of our relationships will be.
We humans are all unique, but we are also all the same in many ways. A lot of us are afraid of being revealed. We don’t want to be seen…
We are afraid of being seen for who we are, and consequently, we cannot handle it when others show us who they really are. So sometimes, some people keep others at arm’s length.
Even if these emotionally stingy people have a family, they’re quite plainly not emotionally bonded to them, even if they do spend time with them.
See, the difference between being in someone’s life in a superficial way and actually being close to them is in your ability to create a deep connection, an emotional connection with them.
Here are 5 advanced ways to do just that.
Table of Contents
What IS A Close Relationship, Anyway?
It’s when the other person knows your soul. (Freaky, I know)
It’s where you can lay bare naked in front of that person, and feel totally accepted. And it’s where you can do the same for them.
A close relationship is where there is total trust – trust for each other’s intent.
Trust that you both don’t need to avoid conflict with another because both of you will be willing to take responsibility for the success of the relationship.
Close is definitely not about talking on the phone for hours every day.
Just because that could be entertainment; not closeness.
(Of course, talking on the phone for hours can be an indicator of depth and closeness, just not always).
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How To Get Close To People? Cross Boundaries…
Close relationships sometimes means crossing boundaries of comfort…
Being close is about not tolerating it when you know the other person is lying to themselves.
Close relationships above all, require a kind of humility.
I say this because in the past I was a loser with not that much humility and I had to try to unlearn being a loser, so I could be a better person. (I hope I’ve been successful.)
Here’s What Close Relationships Actually Look Like…
Close relationships melt defensiveness and make vulnerability okay.
Close relationships make crying ok.
Close relationships make asking for something from the other person a non-stressful event (although it always takes time and a show of high value before you can get to that place with someone).
Close relationships mostly have no blaming.
Close relationships treat each other like family. Not like an enemy.
Give and take doesn’t exist in close relationships.
Give and take is for friendships and relationships that haven’t made it to the close relationship stage.
Close relationships are about giving without calculating what you’re getting back.
If you can’t do that – then you might be friends, or housemates, or husband and wife, but you are not close.
To have really close relationships, one must, at some point in their life, fully feel the depths and pain of loneliness.
(We are all lonely. Many of us just try to keep that loneliness at bay).
If one has to have an excess of acquaintances to hang out with to avoid feeling the loneliness, then that person isn’t “practicing” what is necessary for having true close relationships.
TV is another distraction from one’s feelings (we all cope somehow).
But coping mechanisms are there to avoid closeness. Closeness with ourselves. Closeness with others.
Nobody wants to be close because it’s hard work and icky but at the same time we all want to be close.
So we are walking around like frauds. Pretending everything is okay and that we are close to the people in our lives.
But in reality?
The reality is that many of us aren’t even emotionally close to our children.
Because of our stressful lives, our patterns of conserving energy and even patterns of perpetuating distance.
We don’t employ the right strategies and environment for valuing closeness first; and so 20 years go by and we realise that while we were off making money, it came at the cost of closeness and trust in our relationships.
Here are the 5 secret ways to have exceptionally close relationships…
1: Reduce The Number Of People You ‘Need’ To Have In Your Life.
The more you spread your eggs, the less close you will be with the people you truly like and respect.
It’s okay to have no close relationships. By acknowledging that you don’t have that, and acknowledging the pain and loneliness, at least for some time (say, weeks or months), you can then come out of that difficult place with something more valuable than the comfort of avoiding pain.
Which is: appreciation, gratitude and depth of character.
Suddenly, you are strong, and you don’t ‘need’ lots of people around to shield you from the emotional depth of life.
2: Love And Appreciate The Parts Of You That You Don’t Want To Reveal To People.
The more you try to hide any part of you; the less closeness you can have with someone; especially men. As they aren’t always easily able to want to get close to you unless you are visibly feeling your feelings; or showing vulnerability.
What does it mean to love and appreciate the parts of you that you want to hide?
For example, I find that takers, (people who want to take value from other humans rather than have an emotionally close relationship), often want to hide the fact that they’re a taker.
They are defensive of their Tina Taker or try to avoid being revealed.
However, love that there is a part of you that is a taker. So love Tina Taker.
Because you need to love and appreciate that she is there for a reason – ask her why she showed up in the first place.
She’s probably there because she’s afraid of dying. She needs resources, she needs to feel in control, and she perhaps needs popularity and certainty to survive for the short term.
Yet in the long term, she doesn’t serve you well – another part of you, perhaps Alison Appreciation needs to come into the picture and let Tina Taker rest.
Alison Appreciation appreciates whatever she has; and she appreciates that we all have to suffer – and it’s okay.
Take pride in your pain; take pride in the courage, the grit and the character.
Be proud of the resilience and the confidence you will build by surrendering to what little you have, and to what pain you have not allowed yourself to feel.
3: Understand That At The Core, Relationships Are About Resources – Whether They Are Close Or Not.
We enter all relationship and fake relationships for the sake of resources.
Fear can often make us choose to have lots of not so real friends or sexual partners (put our eggs in lots of baskets).
Yet inspiration, vulnerability and courage can make us choose to invest in just a tiny portion of people.
Neither strategy is wrong.
It’s a risk to invest 110% emotionally in only one person.
Yet it’s also a risk to give only 10% emotionally in 50 relationships.
Which one do you think is riskier?
Investing 10% in 50 people? Or investing 110% in one person? (Or maybe two or three, maximum).
We all have to decide if a truly close relationship is worth the risk and loss.
Nobody is more right or more wrong with their choices, their choices will just either make their relationships thrive or die.
What I feel is that we have to give up ego, we have to potentially give up other friendships, other suitors….
All for the sake of investing heavily in one or two or three people. It’s scary, but it’s brave. And – it’s loyal.
People who think they can have lots of lovers or lots of friends usually can’t be loyal to a tiny portion of people.
Don’t you think that is true? Because their energy and time will just go to the highest bidder.
By the way, if you want to know if your relationship is healthy, here’s a guide I created for you on the 10 Ultimate Signs of A Healthy Relationship.
4: Be A Safe Place For The People That You Care About.
This requires being able to meet your own needs in a proper (and superior way).
Watching reality TV for example, is not meeting one’s needs well. It doesn’t fill you up, it just distracts you.
If you cannot meet your own needs through high quality avenues, then you aren’t really fulfilled and then become only able to worry about yourself (and can’t even dream of being a safe place for somebody else).
How do you show that you’re a safe place for another?
Let them know that you accept and love all of them.
Better still, do actually show that you love and accept all of them…every single part of them, without question.
How do you do that?
Love and accept every part of yourself first.
Every part of you, even the parts that you judge, no matter how bad, stupid, embarrassing or ditsy is there for a reason…and every part of you belongs somewhere.
When you accept all of yourself, then you can accept all of others, with humour and love.
The reason this is important is so that you don’t sabotage emotional closeness with rules about how you *should* be or how others *should* be.
Rules aren’t always bad, and certain rules are important for relationships…but we should at least be aware of when they might be sabotaging connection with others.
Close relationships are not meant to be easy.
I know some people make you think that they should be easy, but they are only easy when you choose the hard path.
As someone much smarter than me once said…life is easy when you do it the hard way.
The hard way begins with taking the 4 secret steps I’ve shared with you in this article.
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
5: appreciate And Embrace Conflict Instead Of Avoiding It.
Without appreciation for the role of conflict in your life, you can easily become a pleaser.
And as you know, pleasers always lose out.
Conflict and arguments (or serious discussions) will always be a part of closeness. Close relationships require conflict and vulnerability to grow!
No conflict equals no growth. If you are not growing, then you are dying (said Tony Robbins).
One thing is for sure:
We can’t be close to people and build a close relationship when our first and foremost desire is to have control/certainty.
Neither can we be close with another if our number one need is to maintain a feeling of self importance.
We have to value closeness and vulnerability more than we value ourselves.
In the name of helping you create closer relationships, we have a report called, “How to love without being used” when you buy our program, How to Stay High Value When He Pulls Away.
We’ve had tremendously positive feedback and responses from women after they’ve gone through these two guides and I think you will find many ah-hah moments and profound insights too!
I would love to hear from you – your comments will always be read and they add a lot of value to other women in the world. Leave me a comment if you have discoveries, thoughts and opinions to share.
Lots of love to you,
P.S. Connect with me on social media
Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
- Here’s The Feminine Woman Facebook page…
- Here’s my Instagram Pages TheFeminineWoman & My Personal Instagram.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.