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Article updated 2018
Sex is the thing that women are obligated to do with men if they want to keep a man around.
Sex is the thing we think we have to do with men to keep them around.
We feel pressured.
Who doesn’t know a woman friend who gave a blow job or had sex with a man to ‘keep him happy’?
When a man is in love, he can have zero sex with a woman and still stick around, whilst being emotionally attracted to her and faithful to that one woman.
Still, why do women feel pressured to sex a man?
When they get all touchy feely towards us, when they talk dirty to us, we feel the pressure instantly. We tense up. We think they are wanting sex.
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We might be right in one sense, but that’s only from our own perspective.
Because in our perspective, if he is successful in gaining our trust in the moment; then we might actually want to have sex. And sometimes, we don’t want to want to have sex. Which really means: we refuse to open in this moment. And neither should be have to open just because we feel pressured.
When we look from a man’s perspective, we would see something different.
What do men actually want?
To start, I want to say that there are men who are single-minded and desperate – that’s a rule in our world. And I believe these desperate men definitely will push you for sex just to get the sex itself, because they’re desperate for an ejaculation, or for validation, to feel good about their existence, or to just milk a woman for whatever he can get.
That’s the truth.
There’s the base layer of truth: men do want sex when they’re pushy for it.
Then there’s the deeper level of truth: that men actually want a woman’s openness and feminine energy more than sex. The men who don’t see this level of truth won’t agree to this. Because they can’t see it yet.
To just want sex – that’s the most superficial way a man can approach a woman. It is a way, but it’s the most superficial way.
Yet – that is not the truth of why men are pushing for sex when there’s a connection established between him and the woman.
In a casual sex situation, men only care about the sex
In a totally casual sex situation, men only care about the sex, because they haven’t formed much of a connection with you yet (if you guys ever will).
So, the more single-minded a man seems to be – the more careful you have to be. A lot of women give in when their bodies aren’t ready – you shouldn’t.
In a casual sex situation, men don’t care if you’re open to them or not – they are only there for the sex. And men can have sex with a tree, they can also have sex with someone they hate…so, if the relationship is purely sex oriented – then this advice does not apply.
But if your connection with a man was about any more than just sex for both of you – men care about your openness more than whether you have sex with them.
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Men actually want a woman’s openness
The reason we feel like men want sex all the time, is not because they DO want sex all the time.
It is because men are always trying to get women to ‘open’. And we interpret their advances, their touching etc, as a push for sex with us. That is not necessarily true.
To ‘Open’ means to not be separate from the moment and from connection with him.
We pull away out of fear that he just wants sex.
But what if, instead, we didn’t pull away? What would happen? What if we just stayed with that fear we felt and melted into whatever emotion came next? (no separation from the moment)
What if we allowed a man to ‘open’ us? To influence us? To connect with us?
Well then; men might want sex; because that’s the natural progression of things.
But men’s deeper desire (which not every man can articulate) is to have you belong to him.
The sign that a woman belongs to a man is her openness to him (not to lots of different men).
Do I really have to say out loud that men want to own a woman and a woman wants her man to own her?
If a man owns a woman, she feels safe. But it takes a courageous woman to be willing to be owned. And a courageous man to ‘step in’ and take ownership despite the fact that a woman will say a bunch of things that she doesn’t mean.
I would even suggest that men’s actual desire is for a woman to be open to him – not to have sex with her.
It is not about sex.
It is about a woman being open with her energy. To translate: to be open and energetic and faithful to him; open to his influence and open to him having command in her life.
A woman who is taking her energy everywhere – trying to take attention from a bunch of different men, is usually not being faithful and selective with whom she shares her energy with. And we lose out on the good men when we do this.
Out of a need for “freedom” and equality – we sacrifice the passionate, deep connection that comes with men wanting to own us and us relaxing into our desire to be owned.
This is often what men are trying to get from a woman – faithfulness; a feeling that her feminine energy is going to him only, not just to any random douche on the street.
Is there something really wrong with allowing a man to have command and direction in your life, if he does it out of love?
And if his ability to command you (FOR you) is better than your own?
If it were so wrong, 50 Shades of Gray wouldn’t be so damn popular. We are too afraid to live out our fantasies.
Why men would want more than sex
The reason men actually want more than sex is because he is much better off having a woman who is open to him than he is if he were just pushing for sex – because if a woman is not open to a man (if she’s closed off or judgmental of him), she’s probably off having someone else’s baby (this is from a man’s perspective).
Remember, men don’t know if the baby is theirs or not – a large part of what they do and how they see women and treat women in the dating world is based on this fact; their bodies and biology are based on this fact.
Never forget that; become obsessed with learning about that; it’s no small fact.
On the surface, men can look like assholes who want to take advantage of women; but once we learn about their biology; and their fears – we start to realise that we can take just as much advantage of them, and they feel just as shamed by us, they just don’t tell us because how manly is it to tell everybody?
It’s always easy to see men as the bad guys; but never forget that as a woman; we naturally take value from men, too. We just don’t see it because we don’t live in their bodies.
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What would happen if you let yourself open to the right men?
What would happen if you let yourself open to the right men?
(NOT to every man. There are douches out there, and I don’t want to you think you should go around offering your energy to them. Be very careful. Be very selective. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone.)
Your openness would potentially make a lot of men fall in love with you. Because the openness is the ingredient necessary for relationship oriented connection and emotional attraction.
And the ones only interested in sex would disappear. Fast. (YAY!)
Learn more about why you should be worried when a man comes on strong here.
Strong woman vs weak woman
What is a strong woman? A strong woman, in one definition, can be a tough and self sufficient woman.
But it takes a strong woman to have the courage to give a man more than sex.
It takes even deeper courage to be willing to trust that what a man wants is not just sex: it’s feminine energy; it’s your acceptance and love and openness to him.
To be high value means to trust that men actually want more than sex
To be high value means to trust that men actually want more than sex.
Can I ask that you consider beginning to trust this? Because, if we believe in our bodies that men just want sex, then we enter the dating world with a low value energy. And our bodies show it.
And, if we have a lot of casual sex, our bodies become less and less open and luscious. So we really have to be careful with casual sex. I don’t care how much women hate this and want to get rid of the double standard; I care how much more damage it causes women’s bodies.
Our natural state is to let things progress to sex when we open and trust a man. That doesn’t always happen nowadays; so we often ignore our biological drive, so it trains our bodies to close down and not be attractive to the good men who actually want to take care of us.
I know it’s hard; because older women tend to pour out their past baggage trash all over you – saying that men just want sex, and all that.
But really – that’s not true. Men just want sex if that’s all you are brave enough to offer.
Be brave; don’t give him sex out of pressure; you have permission to trust another way of thinking: that men want your feminine energy and your openness. (it doesn’t require physical sex!)
Don’t let men just pursue you for sex
Don’t let men just pursue you for sex. That’s the key to be high value and attract high value.
My husband talks a lot about high value vulnerability; use it. (and we invite you to learn in depth about how to show it in the members area here.)
I know it’s hard, but try your best not to get caught up in the fallacy that sex is the ultimate goal of all men, all the time.
There’s a reason why men fall in love; and they fall in love when we dare to show our high value and our vulnerability (which is something we all have), and when there’s plenty of attraction and connection in the relationship.
Part of being open is being brave enough to share or show your fears about sex and dating with him.
Part of sharing your high value vulnerability is being ok with being human; and sharing that. There’s no faster way to weed out the desperate men who just want sex.
Where women have misunderstood men
“Men only want one thing!”
“Men only want you for sex!”
You know, these statements can be seductive to believe.
Women misunderstand men when they think they just want sex. Especially when a man has chosen to commit to being in a monogamous, committed relationship – sex is especially not the only thing he wants.
Because he wants a woman’s trust and a woman’s energy. Trust is sexually inspiring, it is a turn on – especially when the woman is sexually open to her man.
And trust is deeper than sex; a woman’s trust makes the sex better, if the option of sex is there.
A woman’s energy is a way of giving him a reason to be happy to be alive today.
Imagine this…a man who inherited a lot of money, and because of his financial status, knows every pimp and has round the clock access to all the prostitutes in his city; but when you see him out with the women, none of them are particularly happy around him; they are just hanging out with him, and are sexually available to him, that is all.
Versus a man from the suburbs who has nothing – no car, no money, but who shows up at the same bar that the first man frequents, and within an hour, he has 3 women around him open and happy, laughing and enjoying their time with him because he is entertaining and funny.
The second man is an example of a man who ‘has’ a lot more; not in the number of women, but just because the women he attracts are open and show more attention and care towards the man he is.
This is also to remind us that a man can buy sex. But men can’t buy openness and responsiveness from women.
By being an open and responsive woman – you are not only upping your own value, you are encouraging a man to up his. It’s a cycle that feeds itself. You are doing a brave thing for the world, and for the evolution of men and women.
Of course, the onus can fall on men as well – the less present a man is willing to be for you, the less open you are to him – it works both ways. I just don’t believe in sitting on our asses pointing the finger at men, when we have the option to take the high road and take responsibility.
Why else is sex not the only thing men want in a relationship?
There’s another reason why sex can’t be the only thing a man wants in a relationship.
I’ve heard some women say that we always want deeper. We are never fully satisfied for long. And so we’re searching for deeper; I believe there’s a truth in that.
So of course, a man wants more than just sex in a committed relationship.
And, those men who spend time just chasing sex – often get to a place where they are over it. They simply get over the novelty and are ready for something deeper.
And the men who don’t get there – they don’t find a deeper purpose beyond themselves.
So why do men want openness and surrender?
Because it is sexually attractive, and it makes him feel safe that a woman is trustworthy and faithful.
Look – it’s true, there are men who may think, after all the openness and surrender you show, that he still needs sex to feel OK about himself. However, that is an old pattern of his – it’s not the truth in the moment.
What genuine men want more than anything else is a woman’s willingness to open beyond her tightness in to her beautiful femininity – her awareness that she needs to surrender emotionally to herself, her fears, and to true connection.
This feminine emotional softness, a woman’s willingness to let herself breathe in, connect with him and emotionally experience the moment, is valuable. It’s a sign she can and will be open to trusting him – which is high value.
A woman’s full trust is so hard to obtain – regardless of the number of years a couple spend together.
Because women and men don’t naturally trust each other (because our motivations can be totally opposite) and because trust comes and goes with each moment; and depending on how high value a man is, over time he gets generally more trust from his woman, or generally less trust.
And if a woman doesn’t trust a man she’s with – what’s the point? They aren’t inspiring anybody by staying together out of comfort.
The tightness that many of us exhibit today due to the stress we’re under, and the masculine skills we activate habitually, men often have very little feminine energy left to experience from their woman.
Very few women allow themselves this surrender today – it is hard to allow ourselves this, because it’s hard to find someone we trust enough, and because we are busy being busy.
Never forget though, for a man to become more trustworthy, you sometimes have to step in first and show your willingness to trust him.
But do men really want to deal with a deep, emotional woman?
Well, every man has within him the capacity to deal with an emotional and deep woman. I believe all men have the ability to recognise a deeply radiant woman.
Some will reject a woman like that.
Many men will rather sit and watch TV than deal with a woman like that.
This is what lazy men are like.
I am not trying to tell you every man is going to respond well to your openness and depth – depth is a gift you give to the people who can handle it, and who are ready for it.
Certainly not every man is ready for it. Just like not every woman is ready for a deep man or a man to lovingly direct her life.
But the message I want to send is this: in their deepest heart; a man wants your openness.
Openness is also responsiveness – and responsiveness inspires commitment.
Not every man has that depth though. And that’s OK. It’s even more OK that you walk away from them.
You shouldn’t try to share with him your depth for too long before you move on.
If a commitment is truly what you’re ready for; if you’re that open and ready to be responsive and vulnerable, men will naturally want deeper relationship and commitment with you.
Therefore, if you try for a few months or more, and he is still distant and your gut feeling is that he isn’t committed – move on! You don’t got 10 lifetimes to leisurely twirl around your fingers here! We only get this one life.
By the way, I want to teach you 5 Secrets to have your man fall in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. Click here to find out more details.
So what does all this mean in your life?
It means that you could inquire into the possibility that men want something deeper than just sex.
It means that your value is endless – for the rest of your life.
You can stop thinking that make up and looking pretty is the answer.
You no longer have to give sex to please a man. You just have to be genuine, open, responsive and be OK with being as alive as you’re brave enough to be.
Instead of becoming preoccupied with your feeling of being pressured to have sex: just reveal your true self, slowly but surely – a good man will respect that.
Also, when you do feel pressure, figure out where that feeling of being pressured is coming from. Is it from your own way of seeing men? Or is it because a man really does just want to push you for sex because he is silly enough to think you’re an easy woman?
Men rely on you to control the ease of which you have sex with them.
It’s like men with lots of money showering gifts upon you on the first date. What the hell? That’s totally out of sync with where your relationship is at.
You may keep the gifts, but ultimately, do they mean anything to you?
No chance. They mean nothing other than an ego boost – because he threw his money at you for his own feeling of self worth, and you did nothing to earn his affections.
You’ve seen this happen. Even on YouTube – the awkwardness of an over the top fancy proposal to a woman who doesn’t want to marry him.
The awkwardness of us being bought tonnes of gifts – flowers, jewelry, and yet he’s an absent man. It all means nothing when you don’t earn it or when the relationship doesn’t naturally progress to that place.
The same goes with sex; it’s meant to be sacred, and men rely on you to keep it that way.
Or, you should inquire into the infinite possibility of “what’s beyond giving a man sex?”
Isn’t it fun to trust that it’s OKAY to be all of you? The alive one who men really fall in love with?
Isn’t it inspiring to feel, to be alive, to just stay connected with life?
OK. That’s all from me.
Do you wish to have a better understanding of men? Take our Understanding Men program, click here for more information.
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