The Truth: What men are looking for when they push you for sex

Sex is the thing that women are obligated to do with men if they want to keep a man around.

I’m kidding.

Sex is the thing we think we have to do with men to keep them around.

We feel pressured.

Who doesn’t know a woman friend who gave a blow job or had sex with a man to ‘keep him happy’?

When a man is in love, he can have zero sex with a woman and still stick around, whilst being emotionally attracted to her and faithful to that one woman.

Still, why do women feel pressured to sex a man?

When they get all touchy feely towards us, when they talk dirty to us, we feel the pressure instantly. We tense up. We think they are wanting sex.

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We might be right in one sense; but that’s only from our own perspective.

Because in our perspective, if he is successful in gaining our trust in the moment; then we might actually want to have sex. And sometimes, we don’t want to want to have sex. Which really means: we refuse to open in this moment. And neither should be have to open just because we feel pressured.

When we look from a man’s perspective, we would see something different.

What do men actually want?

To start, I want to say that there are men who are single-minded and desperate – that’s a rule in our world. And I believe these desperate men definitely will push you for sex just to get the sex itself, because they’re desperate for an ejaculation, or for validation, to feel good about their existence, or to just milk a woman for whatever he can get.

That’s the truth.

There’s the base layer of truth: men do want sex when they’re pushy for it.

Then there’s the deeper level of truth: that men actually want a woman’s openness and feminine energy more than sex. The men who don’t see this level of truth won’t agree to this. Because they can’t see it yet.

To just want sex – that’s the most superficial way a man can approach a woman. It is a way, but it’s the most superficial way.

Yet – that is not the truth of why men are pushing for sex when there’s a connection established between him and the woman.

In a casual sex situation, men only care about the sex


In a totally casual sex situation, men only care about the sex, because they haven’t formed much of a connection with you yet (if you guys ever will).

So, the more single minded a man seems to be – the more careful you have to be. A lot of women give in when their bodies aren’t ready – you shouldn’t.

In a casual sex situation; men don’t care if you’re open to them or not – they are only there for the sex. And men can have sex with a tree, they can also have sex with someone they hate…so, if the relationship is purely sex oriented – then this advice does not apply.

But if your connection with a man was about any more than just sex for both of you – men care about your openness more than whether you have sex with them.

Men actually want a woman’s openness


The reason we feel like men want sex all the time, is not because they DO want sex all the time.

It is because men are always trying to get women to ‘open’. And we interpret their advances, their touching etc, as a push for sex with us. That is not necessarily true.

To ‘Open’ means to not be separate from the moment and from connection with him.

We pull away out of fear that he just wants sex.

But what if, instead, we didn’t pull away? What would happen? What if we just stayed with that fear we felt and melted into whatever emotion came next? (no separation from the moment)

What if we allowed a man to ‘open’ us? To influence us? To connect with us?

Well then; men might want sex; because that’s the natural progression of things.

But men’s deeper desire (which not every man can articulate) is to have you belong to him.

The sign that a woman belongs to a man is her openness to him (not to lots of different men).

Do I really have to say out loud that men want to own a woman and a woman wants her man to own her?

If a man owns a woman, she feels safe. But it takes a courageous woman to be willing to be owned. And a courageous man to ‘step in’ and take ownership despite the fact that a woman will say a bunch of things that she doesn’t mean.

I would even suggest that men’s actual desire is for a woman to be open to him – not to have sex with her.

It is not about sex.

It is about a woman being open with her energy. To translate: to be open and energetic and faithful to him; open to his influence and open to him having command in her life.

A woman who is taking her energy everywhere – trying to take attention from a bunch of different men, is usually not being faithful and selective with whom she shares her energy with. And we lose out on the good men when we do this.

Out of a need for “freedom” and equality – we sacrifice the passionate, deep connection that comes with men wanting to own us and us relaxing into our desire to be owned.

This is often what men are trying to get from a woman – faithfulness; a feeling that her feminine energy is going to him only, not just to any random douche on the street.

Is there something really wrong with allowing a man to have command and direction in your life, if he does it out of love?

And if his ability to command you (FOR you) is better than your own?

Absolutely not.

If it were so wrong, 50 Shades of Gray wouldn’t be so damn popular. We are too afraid to live out our fantasies.

Why men would want more than sex


The reason men actually want more than sex is because he is much better off having a woman who is open to him than he is if he were just pushing for sex – because if a woman is not open to a man (if she’s closed off or judgmental of him), she’s probably off having someone else’s baby (this is from a man’s perspective).

Remember, men don’t know if the baby is theirs or not – a large part of what they do and how they see women and treat women in the dating world is based on this fact; their bodies and biology are based on this fact.

Never forget that; become obsessed with learning about that; it’s no small fact.

On the surface, men can look like assholes who want to take advantage of women; but once we learn about their biology; and their fears – we start to realise that we can take just as much advantage of them, and they feel just as shamed by us, they just don’t tell us because how manly is it to tell everybody?

It’s always easy to see men as the bad guys; but never forget that as a woman; we naturally take value from men, too. We just don’t see it because we don’t live in their bodies.

What would happen if you let yourself open to the right men?


What would happen if you let yourself open to the right men?

(NOT to every man. There are douches out there, and I don’t want to you think you should go around offering your energy to them. Be very careful. Be very selective. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone.)

Your openness would potentially make a lot of men fall in love with you. Because the openness is the ingredient necessary for relationship oriented connection and emotional attraction.

And the ones only interested in sex would disappear. Fast. (YAY!)

Learn more about why you should be worried when a man comes on strong here.

Strong woman vs weak woman


What is a strong woman? A strong woman, in one definition, can be a tough and self sufficient woman.

But it takes a strong woman to have the courage to give a man more than sex.

It takes even deeper courage to be willing to trust that what a man wants is not just sex: it’s feminine energy; it’s your acceptance and love and openness to him.

To be high value means to trust that men actually want more than sex


To be high value means to trust that men actually want more than sex.

Can I ask that you consider beginning to trust this? Because, if we believe in our bodies that men just want sex, then we enter the dating world with a low value energy. And our bodies show it.

And, if we have a lot of casual sex, our bodies become less and less open and luscious. So we really have to be careful with casual sex. I don’t care how much women hate this and want to get rid of the double standard; I care how much more damage it causes women’s bodies.

Our natural state is to let things progress to sex when we open and trust a man. That doesn’t always happen nowadays; so we often ignore our biological drive, so it trains our bodies to close down and not be attractive to the good men who actually want to take care of us.

I know it’s hard; because older women tend to pour out their past baggage trash all over you – saying that men just want sex, and all that.

But really – that’s not true. Men just want sex if that’s all you are brave enough to offer.

Be brave; don’t give him sex out of pressure; you have permission to trust another way of thinking: that men want your feminine energy and your openness. (it doesn’t require physical sex!)

Don’t let men just pursue you for sex


Don’t let men just pursue you for sex. That’s the key to be high value and attract high value.

My husband talks a lot about high value vulnerability; use it. (and we invite you to learn in depth about how to show it in the members area here.)

I know it’s hard, but try your best not to get caught up in the fallacy that sex is the ultimate goal of men.

There’s a reason why men fall in love; and they fall in love when we dare to show our high value and our vulnerability (which is something we all have).

Part of being open is being brave enough to share or show your fears about sex and dating with him.

Part of sharing your high value vulnerability is being ok with being human; and sharing that. There’s no faster way to weed out the desperate men who just want sex.

Where women have misunderstood men


“Men only want one thing!”

“Men only want you for sex!”

You know, these statements can be seductive to believe.

Women misunderstand men when they think they just want sex. Especially when a man has chosen to commit to being in a monogamous, committed relationship – sex is especially not the only thing he wants.


Because he wants a woman’s trust and a woman’s energy. Trust is sexually inspiring, it is a turn on – especially when the woman is sexually open to her man.

And trust is deeper than sex; a woman’s trust makes the sex better, if the option of sex is there.

A woman’s energy is a way of giving him a reason to be happy to be alive today.

Imagine this…


Imagine this…a man who inherited a lot of money, and because of his financial status, knows every pimp and has round the clock access to all the prostitutes in his city; but when you see him out with the women, none of them are particularly happy around him; they are just hanging out with him, and are sexually available to him, that is all.

Versus a man from the suburbs who has nothing – no car, no money, but who shows up at the same bar that the first man frequents, and within an hour, he has 3 women around him open and happy, laughing and enjoying their time with him because he is entertaining and funny.

The second man is an example of a man who ‘has’ a lot more; not in number of women, but just because the women he attracts are open and show more attention and care towards the man he is.

This is also to remind us that a man can buy sex. But men can’t buy openness and responsiveness from women.

By being an open and responsive woman – you are not only upping your own value; you are encouraging a man to up his. It’s a cycle that feeds itself. You are doing a brave thing for the world; and for the evolution of men and women.

Of course, the onus can fall on men as well – the less present a man is willing to be for you, the less open you are to him – it works both ways. I just don’t believe in sitting on our asses pointing the finger at men, when we have the option to take the high road and take responsibility.

Why else is sex not the only thing men want in a relationship?

There’s another reason why sex can’t be the only thing a man wants in a relationship.

I’ve heard some say that they believe we always want deeper. We are never fully satisfied for long. And so we’re searching for deeper; I believe there’s a truth in that.

So of course, a man wants more than just sex in a committed relationship.

And, those men who spend time just chasing sex – often get to a place where they are over it. They simply get over the novelty and are ready for something deeper.

And the men who don’t get there – they don’t find a deeper purpose beyond themselves.

So why do men want openness and surrender?


Because it is sexually attractive, and it makes him feel safe that a woman is trustworthy and faithful.

Look – it’s true, there are men who may think, after all the openness and surrender you show, that he still needs sex to feel ok about himself. However, that is an old pattern of his – it’s not the truth in the moment.

What genuine men want more than anything else is a woman’s willingness to open beyond her tightness in to her beautiful femininity – her awareness that she needs to surrender emotionally to herself, her fears, and to true connection.

This feminine emotional softness, a woman’s willingness to let herself breathe in, connect with him and emotionally experience the moment, is valuable. It’s a sign she can and will be open to trusting him – which is high value.

A woman’s full trust is so hard to obtain – regardless of years a couple spend together.

Because women and men don’t naturally trust each other (because our motivations can be totally opposite) and because trust comes and goes with each moment; and depending on how high value a man is, over time he gets generally more trust from his woman, or generally less trust.

And if a woman doesn’t trust a man she’s with – what’s the point? They aren’t inspiring anybody by staying together out of comfort.

The tightness that many of us exhibit today due to the stress we’re under, and the masculine skills we activate habitually, men often have very little feminine energy left to experience from their woman.

Very few women allow themselves this surrender today – it is hard to allow ourselves this, because it’s hard to find someone we trust enough, and because we are busy being busy.

Never forget though, for a man to become more trustworthy, you sometimes have to step in first and show your willingness to trust him.

But do men really want to deal with a deep, emotional woman?


Well, every man has within him the capacity to deal with an emotional and deep woman. I believe all men have the ability to recognise a deeply radiant woman.

Some will reject a woman like that.

Many men will rather sit and watch tv than deal with a woman like that.

This is what lazy men are like.

I am not trying to tell you every man is going to respond well to your openness and depth – depth is a gift you give to the people who can handle it, and who are ready for it.

Certainly not every man is ready for it. Just like not every woman is ready for a deep man or a man to lovingly direct her life.

But the message I want to send is this: in their deepest heart; a man wants your openness.

Openness is also responsiveness – and responsiveness inspires commitment.

Not every man has that depth though. And that’s ok. It’s even more ok that you walk away from them.

You shouldn’t try to share with him your depth for too long before you move on.

If a commitment is truly what you’re ready for; if you’re that open and ready to be responsive and vulnerable, men will naturally want deeper relationship and commitment with you.

Therefore, if you try for a few months or more, and he is still distant and your gut feeling is that he isn’t committed – move on! You don’t got 10 lifetimes to leisurely twirl around your fingers here! We only get this one life.

So what does all this mean in your life?


It means that you could inquire into the possibility that men want something deeper than just sex.

It means that your value is endless – for the rest of your life.

You can stop thinking make up and looking pretty is the answer.

You no longer have to give sex to please a man. You just have to be genuine, open, responsive and be ok with being as alive as you’re brave enough to be.

Share your bodily emotions – instead of becoming preoccupied with your feeling of being pressured to have sex: just reveal your true self, slowly but surely – a good man will respect that.

Also, when you do feel pressure, figure out where that feeling of being pressured is coming from. Is it from your own way of seeing men? Or is it because a man really does just want to push you for sex because he is silly enough to think you’re an easy woman?

Men rely on you to control the ease of which you have sex with them.

It’s like men with lots of money showering gifts upon you on the first date. What the hell? That’s totally out of sync with where your relationship is.

You may keep the gifts, but ultimately, do they mean anything to you?

No chance. They mean nothing – because he threw his money at you for his own feeling of self worth, and you did nothing to earn his affections.

You’ve seen this happen. Even on youtube – the awkwardness of an over the top fancy proposal to a woman who doesn’t want to marry him.

The awkwardness of us being bought tonnes of gifts – flowers, jewelry, and yet he’s an absent man. It all means nothing when you don’t earn it or when the relationship doesn’t naturally progress to that place.

The same goes with sex; it’s meant to be sacred, and men rely on you to keep it that way.

Or, you should inquire into the infinite possibility of “what’s beyond giving a man sex?”

Isn’t it fun to trust that it’s OKAY to be all of you? The alive one who men really fall in love with?

Isn’t it inspiring to feel, to be alive, to just stay connected with life?

Do you wish to have better understanding of men? Take our Understanding Men program, click here for more information.


  • Sarah Armstrong

    I stopped reading the article as soon as it started talking about men ‘owning’ women. A man does not ‘own’ a women or should a woman EVER alow a man to own her. The truth is simple, man are dogs who only want sex, women have known it since the begining of time and they will never change. The only way a woman can get freedom from these dogs is to build a life for herself away from them. Women no longer require men in this modern word, they are dinosaurs.

    • Thanks, I’m enlightened.

      • Sarah Armstrong

        oh but you clearly aren’t,you might be in another decade or so, when you eventually get sick of being used as an underpaid prostitute and housekeeper, hopefully you will then build a life for yourself, own home, own career, own mind…. and then you will be enlightened! of course there’s the other option of going to Syria, you would fit right in with the women there…. they ain’t feminists either…. but here’s the thing, they don’t have the choice…. but YOU DO! Shame on you for your backward thinking!!

  • NeedToBail

    You are the woman ruining women.

    Men are hardwired for sex. To understand men, don’t look at their sex drive as a choice like yours. Look at their sex drive as your need to pee, and then you will understand.

  • Brianna

    You lost me at “50 shades of gray”. No self-respecting individual with a valid point would reference that in a discussion about a healthy relationship; the entire franchise is a romanticization of abuse. Owning/being owned by another individual is neither healthy nor romantic, and if that is the mindset in a relationship then it is a toxic relationship that will ultimately lead to an abusive situation.

  • Elizabeth Will

    I’ve been a psychotherapist/marriage counselor for over 30 years. Yes, men’s ultimate goal is not sex. It is to be validate, loved, and nurtured. However, a man can be deeply in love and receiving these things and still NEED sex. Because of testosterone and sperm production they need sexual release. Not only that, but, from an emotional point of view, a man who is not getting sex from the woman he loves, is going to feel rejected and unloved. Ultimately, the relationship will suffer, and will likely lead to affairs or divorce. So, I totally disagree with your statement:”When a man is in love, he can have zero sex with a woman and still stick around, whilst being emotionally attracted to her and faithful to that one woman.” That will not last. Unless perhaps his testosterone levels are lower than average.

    • Aurora Michelina

      Women are hardwired for sex too. Society just tells us it’s not acceptable so women suppress that it’s a primitive need. A man can always masturbate for release, but I do agree with you that if sex is lacking he’s not feeling fully connected with the woman he’s with. When a couple has strong feelings for each other, they desire that sexual bond even more.

      I also have to add that as a women with low to moderate testosterone, sex is always on my mind. Science truly needs an update these days.

  • jenn j

    nope- this is bullshit. Most men out there these days are losers and users- they only want to use women and that’s it. Theyre the type that want to have sex and never talk to you again. Most men are scum and its the truth. men are so complicated- who wants to deal with their crazy fucked up minds in trying to figure out what ‘they want’- most men are jerks and scum

  • Viola

    I’m confused. I like this guy a lot. I think he likes me too. I told him the most painful thing that happened to me(coz he insisted on knowing) . But his reaction was unexpected. He started kissing my forehead n hugging me tight. Then pulling my hair a little. Next thing I know he’s kissing my neck. He never tried something similar before.not even a hug. What happened???

  • disqus_GB8lUuziuG

    “Because women and men don’t naturally trust each other”

    I think this is wrong, men naturally trust women. The problem is that women, as a group, have lost the natural trust of men.

    • GreenTara

      You really need to pull your head out the sand. I am not sure where you live but maybe you need to visit an arab or african country or india where millions of men already revel in the subjugation of women who are nothing more than property, baby makers and sex slaves, sold to the highest bidder. Women stopped trusting men after 3000 years of exploitation. It men who made the war between the sexes and for the first time, we women have some independence. Why don’t you try to see it from our point of view? Men refuse to behave themselves and never protected women to begin with , and if they did, it was only because women were their property. And anyone who whould revel in the unhappiness of women is pathetic and horrible. …and you sound like an awful person for propagating such nonsense.

      • disqus_GB8lUuziuG

        Nah I’m not talking about subjugation or other radical cultures that have nothing to do with the west. so please apply a little honesty and reading comprehension.

        Nah you are totally wrong. Women were never oppressed by the Patriarchy like the Feminists like to claim, this myth has been utterly debunked over and over, if you don’t know that then you’ve clearly never bothered to do even a modicum of research on the topic. Feminism is at best 50% truth 50% lies.

        Nearly all men are good and decent people, same for women as well, except that Feminism has poisoned society with it’s filth and has betrayed men, and women, in a way that will almost certainly result in women being miserable for a VERY VERY long time.

        The men who suffer because of Feminism, million of them, will no doubt be very pleased to watch as women who swallow Feminism’s lies suffer poetic justice for their choices. So please don’t twist things I say into meaning something I did not say.

  • Luke

    Personally as a man, it’s hard for me to believe that sex is such a chore for women. The act of sex is tiring, gross, risky and even painful (for men too). BUT it’s in the mindset of connection that we find the real value of sex. We’re connecting with our perfect opposite. That skin on skin contact is electric. The kissing, the bodily fluids… we’re connecting with women on a deeper level than anyone else in our lives, especially other men. For women to turn that desire of connection into an act malice is almost unforgivable. We can’t fully connect with our buddies like we can connect with our wives or girlfriends. In that connection, we find another part of ourselves that we didn’t know we were missing. To connect with a woman like that is to feel like a whole person. I wish women could trust that or understand that.

    • j_vic

      What about men who want to have the connection with their wife/girlfriend, but also want to have sex with other women (ie polyamory or open relationships). What if he says he doesn’t mind if she does it too, because it’s just sex – and not love or connection like they have together with one another?

    • jenn j

      a chore? women are smarter than men and want a real connection before they have ‘sex’- many do anyway not all. There is nothing perfect or decent about having a total stranger stick their organ inside your sexual organ so they can have a meaningless worthless release. Men should ALL go to other gay men for sex b/c you freaks all think alike which is why men pair up so well with each other- promiscuous disgusting horny animals wanting to use each other..worthless creatures.

  • Sha

    I don’t think women realize how visual men really are! It’s important that the woman we want to be with is physically attractive to us. Men DON’T only want one thing. Men will take that ONE THING if they can’t find everything else they are looking for. If we find what we are looking for then we have no problem waiting but make no mistake that men with options (men that most woman want) don’t settle.

    • jenn j

      no its not the spice of life to have sex with a stranger- it is for males b/c they are mindless and lack a real soul and have no issue using other people. Having sex with a partner is another thing. Men want many things- those things include sex, power, control, domination that’s about it. Men are disgusting freaks

  • Sha

    That tall, dark, handsome, successful man want’s way more than just sex. we also want a much deeper connection as well but we also want passion and a woman that we are physically attracted to as well. We want to have deep passionate sex all the time and we want the woman to want the same thing. There are many women out there just like I describe and they also have high sex drives. This is what most men really want.
    I don’t agree that a man will just stick around and be faithful when he is not having sex at all unless he has absolutely no sex drive at all. Eventually he will give in to his desires and look elsewhere. Especially if he is that eligible bachelor that most women want to be with. (Men with options)

  • Stacie

    The last man I dated seemed very masculine but then his need to dominate me, tell me what to do, direct me when I was in his presence (I did ask for his help and direction because I genuinely needed it), order me to cook breakfast or dinner, give him blow jobs whenever he asked for it, follow his orders without question or talking back, and never talk back to him in front of people (that’s not my personality anyway), seemed way over the top. I was like, is this masculine energy? Or just a controlling psycho? He even stated he would take our future kids if I didn’t raise them the way he wanted them raised. On the one hand I liked that he pushed me to go out of my comfort zone, such as cooking, because I’ve wanted to learn and be more confident in the kitchen. But then I was like, is he trying to erase my individuality? He started criticizing aspects of my personality, such as a lack of assertiveness. Then he pointed out other things he saw in me that I needed to work on. After a short while I didn’t enjoy being around him. We had a couple fights that were scary. He cursed me out in anger and called me names. His anger was something serious, all I wanted to do was run away. He had taken on the role of protector and started to give me good financial advice and he did pay me compliments and gave me affection but I find him so hard to deal with. I felt like I was in boot camp. The intensity of his grip was overwhelming. He openly stated he was ‘training’ me. I just wanted to relax and feel safe with my man. Not be abused and walked all over. Maybe he wanted to be sure that he ‘owned’ me and wanted me to be more open to him. But I felt rushed, pushed and pressured.

    • Jessica W

      He was emotionally and verbally abusing you and manipulating you. You are too beautiful to allow that kind of nonsense. Yes, he was a controlling psycho.

  • Jessica W

    It’s hard to open up to men when women have had “Men only want one thing” driven into them when they first hit puberty. There are some things that shouldn’t be said if a woman truly wants to be intimate with a man later on in life.

    • Jim Johnson

      a more accurate statement would be “Some men only want one thing”. Maintain your virtue, and that will weed out those guys. A respectable guy will wait, and expect you to wait as well.

      • Jessica W


      • Luke

        Some ignorant, shallow morons only want one thing…. That’s better. It goes for both sexes.

  • mini

    Renee, I am an Asian woman, also a Christian. I don’t want to have sex before marriage, do you think I am losing out on dating scene?
    If I want to have good dating life before marriage, should I just let go of this? Thank you 🙂

    • Jim Johnson

      Not at all mini, men view women in three categories, sluts, feminists and unicorns.

      Sluts get lots of attention, but no respect. They are cheap and have a shelf life of about 30-35 years. After that, they are used up bar flies, and get neither attention nor respect.

      Feminists (which can be sluts), are typically not attractive. They have a chip on their shoulder and their body language shows it. All their relationships with men are corrosive. They are unhappy and will continue to be unhappy.

      Unicorns are a different breed. They are virtuous, pretty, and traditional in their view of family roles. There are guys who try to convert them to be sluts (for selfish purposes). For guys who are looking to settle, these are the women that are highly sought after.

      Guys who are pushing for sex with virtuous women see them as unicorns. To them, they seem unattainable because if they do have sex with one, they lose their unicorn status (to everyone). If they don’t have sex with them, those guys will move on (which is good for the girl). The respectable guy will come along in time.

    • Jessica W

      Think of it this way. Any man who doesn’t respect your wishes, doesn’t respect you. Some people come in your life for a lifetime; the majority come for a season. Stay true as a Christian woman and God will send you a true Christian man in due time.

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