If you’re asking yourself why do guys distance themselves after intimacy, the first thing to know is that there are positive and negative reasons why guys do this.
As a woman, of course you’d hope that the reason your guy is distant falls under the positive reasons.
Even though it’s not a nice feeling to see a guy go cold after you’ve slept with him, some guys need to do this to regain their equilibrium.
They want to feel like a man again (it’s their masculine instinct and doesn’t mean they love you less), while others do it for reasons relating to insecurities.
Additionally, there are more selfish reasons why guys distance themselves after intimacy, and you should definitely be aware of these reasons to safeguard yourself from future pain.
Let’s divulge all the reasons for you now, because more than likely, your guy will not have the words to explain what he’s going through.
Table of Contents
Why Do Men Change After Sex?
To answer this, I need to divide the answers into two contexts:
- The context of casual, non committed sex
- The context of a man having sex with a woman whom he is in love with.
We’ll start with context number 1.
Men change after sex because they have different motivations for engaging in non committal sex than you do.
They can also change after sex because of the value discrepancy between what you got from the situation and what he as a man got from the situation.
Basically, even though you both “got” sex, he benefited from it more than you did, at least from an evolutionary and reproductive standpoint.
As an example, consider this:
Women report feeling regret more often after casual sex, while men don’t as much.
Instead, they’re more likely than women to report feeling regret after not taking up an opportunity for casual sex!
(For examples of contexts in which men do regret having sex with a woman, see: 11 Revealing Signs He Regrets Sleeping With You.)
Due to the fact that non-committal sex has a larger cost for you as a woman emotionally, physically and biologically, it makes you need something from him after sex.
While he needs nothing from you.
That’s right, nothing.
Unless he’s emotionally connected and emotionally attracted to you.
He might predict that you will need more from him now…
Either due to the fact that he is knowledgeable about women or that he’s had a lot of casual sex (and has seen what women are like afterwards).
Alternatively, he senses and feels the emotional and behavioral changes in you.
He got more than you did from a biological standpoint, because:
- He doesn’t risk getting pregnant for 9 months and raising a child – but you do; and
- Non committal sex with a variety of different partners fulfils his reproductive goals far more than it will ever fulfil yours as a woman
- He wasn’t attached in the first place, and sex never makes a man attached to a woman, because for men, love and sex don’t overlap.
They actually occupy different pathways in the brain.
See more on this: Can A Man Sleep With A Woman Without Developing Feelings?
Now for context number 2. If a man is in love with you and he still changes after sex, there could be a number of reasons (which are of lesser threat and disappointment to you). We’ll get into these shortly.
Why Do Guys Act Weird After Hooking Up?
To answer this question, let’s consider that the word “weird” means eerie, unnatural, eccentric or bizarre.
A guy’s weird behavior after sex is actually related to the feminine lens through which you view relationships (and the world).
Because if you were to ask another guy to observe your guy’s behavior after sex, he may not think it’s weird at all.
Because he’s a guy and he intuitively gets it.
So the “weird” factor is related to your feminine view of the world. And it’s because after sex, men don’t feel more attached to you and nor do they necessarily want to continue bonding with you.
While you instinctively want to attach more, he instinctively doesn’t.
Now, there are exceptions to this of course, and the exceptions usually occur inside of a committed relationship where the man is truly in love with the woman.
Unless a man is in love with you, he will not want to attach more. He will instead want to create more distance.
Hence the seemingly “weird” behavior.
Of course, some men are so “weird” that even other men would look strangely upon their actions.
These men are the ones who may be insecure or toxic.
Let’s look at some of the common reasons why men pull away after sex and help you figure out which reason applies to you!
#1. He got what he wanted and wasn’t really emotionally attracted to you
This one is obvious. But there’s also some science behind it.
Professor Kennair at Norwegian University Of Science And Technology explains this well:
“The sexual act itself can reinforce the ties between the parties if the right hormones are triggered.
But for the partner who gains the most from moving on to other potential short-term partners, it more often triggers a feeling of distance instead.”
The keywords here are “the partner who gains the most”.
When you find yourself asking why do guys distance themselves after intimacy, consider that he wants to create distance because he got what he wanted already.
Besides that, he wasn’t emotionally attracted to you.
When a man feels no emotional attraction towards you, he’s going to treat sex as a goal to achieve and nothing more.
It doesn’t matter how stunning you are, how smart you are or how kind and caring you are, absolutely no behavior on your part will change him into a committed man who is emotionally attracted to you.
With only one exception…
If you were to trigger his feelings of emotional attraction for you after sex, which can be done through a concept we call “high value vulnerability”.
If you’d like to learn more about this concept and discover one specific emotional trigger within every masculine man that inspires him to WANT to take care of you, worship you and commit deeply to you, CLICK here to learn more now.
#2. He may feel judged and want to hide
Perhaps you judged him, perhaps you didn’t.
Regardless of whether you did or not, there’s a possibility that he feels exposed and fears being judged for a number of things.
- His kinks in the bedroom
- His body type
- His performance (either his performance was too bad or too good); or
- His ulterior motives
#3. He doesn’t want you to get too attached to him
….as he’s not that into you.
He knows that if he leads you on anymore, he’s going to look like the bad guy.
Or worse – he’s going to give you an opening to cling on to him and never let go.
Any smart man intuitively knows that women are costly.
You might not be a high maintenance woman, and that wouldn’t be a bad thing.
But to men, you’re still a woman. You have needs that he would have to be responsible for, should he let you get attached.
And when a woman gets attached, she’ll start to expect things.
Even if you don’t lead with your “expectations” of men like many entitled women do, he would still have to invest in you more and he’d have to feel your emotional attachment to him.
The more attached you are, the more he’ll have to invest in you and he never intended to invest in you because he wasn’t into you.
You might wonder why he slept with you then…
Well, because of what he gets out of it – sex.
#4. He may not like intimacy and wants to retreat from it
Remember when I told you that the answers to why guys distance themselves after intimacy fall into both positive reasons and negative reasons?
This is one of the positive reasons, at least when you consider that his intent was not to use you.
Instead, he has issues around intimacy.
The reason for this is due to him having an insecure attachment style. Simply put, he has insecure attachment patterns, so he retreats from intimacy.
Cue more information:
Perhaps your guy liked the sex because he was able to get his rocks off.
But he doesn’t like any deeper emotional attachment because it creates feelings of unworthiness and stress in his body.
…Which is what will happen if he has anxious attachment, disorganized attachment or avoidant attachment style.
This reason has less to do with you and more to do with his attachment trauma and childhood trauma.
Basically, if a guy didn’t have a highly responsive, sensitive mother (and father), he may have developed an inability to maintain intimate relationships.
He may feel safer on his own, basking in the false allure of “independence” and self sufficiency.
Bonding will not come naturally to him…and not just with you, but with friends too.
So, why do guys distance themselves after intimacy?
Perhaps because he prefers to keep everyone, including you, at arm’s length.
He’s still a human, so he still needs sex, but he’d rather not be exposed to his feelings of vulnerability when he tries to go deeper with you.
If you find yourself always attracting men like this or if you often feel unbearably anxious around a man (and around intimacy), then it will pay to discover your own attachment style too.
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
#5: He’s going through a refractory period
What is the refractory period?
It’s the time period of recovery after having an orgasm when a man physically cannot maintain an erection nor experience orgasm.
It lasts until he begins a new sexual excitement phase. Interestingly, women can experience the sexual refractory period as well.
A guy who is emotionally healthy won’t actually become distant when he’s going through a refractory period.
But he probably will get distant if you try to push him or pressure him into more sex.
Here’s the thing:
He can’t have sex, at least temporarily.
He will feel psychologically satisfied and become uninterested in sexual activity until this phase is over.
The key word here is “uninterested”. You as a woman may think he’s being distant because he’s lost interest in all sexual activity with you.
However, it’s not to do with you or how desirable you are, it’s to do with biology.
#6: He is experiencing post-coital dysphoria
Some men will distance themselves after sex because they’re feeling sad, and well – distant!
Studies on more than 1,000 men in 6 different countries have indicated that 41% of men have experienced postcoital dysphoria at some point in their lives.
And from what is known to us at this point, there are three main causes of post-coital dysphoria:
- The strong anticlimax after an intense hormonal surge during sex
- Sexual dysfunction; or
- Psychological distress stemming from childhood trauma
If you suspect that this might be the reason your guy is distant after intimacy, carefully consider which of the three reasons it could be.
If it’s the first reason, there’s no cause for alarm and you do not need to be scared or worried.
However, if it’s for the last two reasons, he may have a bit of pain or embarrassment to work through, to tread carefully and be sensitive.
Try not to smother him or force your demands upon him, but rather just be there for him.
The final reason for why do guys distance themselves after intimacy is one of the most important…
#7: You are in the “one of many” basket
When you meet and date men, they will categorize you into one of two baskets pretty quickly.
(Sometimes within minutes, sometimes within days).
The reason for this comes down to a man’s reproductive drives and biology.
A man has two basic reproductive drives. He will either invest everything in one woman (the right woman), or he will invest the bare minimum in his one of many.
If you’re the one of many woman, you’ll be replaceable. Virtually any other woman could provide what you provide for him (at least in his mind).
Yet when you’re the woman that he places in the “one and only” basket, the whole game will change for you.
If a guy places you in the “one and only” basket, that means he will give you absolutely every last morsel of what he has (including his soul) to make sure you’re well provided for.
And if you ask the men in your life, they will understand this intuitively.
Most women they meet will be the one of many, and that’s just how it is.
It’s not wrong or bad, it’s just men’s biology speaking to them and asking them to invest only in the right woman for him.
Only one woman can be in any man’s one and only basket, and when you’re in there, it’s extremely hard (did I mention extremely?) to take you out of it.
Unless you betray him badly or kill his mother, he will not leave your side for any reason. He will devote his life to you.
And that’s how men are.
They instinctively want to move themselves (and their resources) away from women in the one of many basket, and move deeper and deeper towards commitment to the one and only.
It’s possible to get yourself placed in the one and only basket of most men you meet if you show up as the one and only.
To do that, you’ll need to lead with emotional connection, rather than sex.
(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and BEG you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)
What To Do If Your Man Is Distant After Intimacy
Work out which reasons apply in your situation.
If you’re unsure, leave a comment below and I will do my best to help you figure it out.
But keep in mind that you will probably know your guy better.
If you’re really unsure, narrow down the reasons to a few most likely reasons, and then see if you can eliminate any of the reasons you have left.
If you’re still struggling, speak to a trusted friend and see if they have an opinion on the situation.
Just in case you’re seeing things through a lens of fear or even through rose colored glasses.
The last thing you want to do when your guy is pulling away, is to try desperately to hold on to him because you are in denial about his feelings for you.
I don’t want you to waste precious time and energy on some guy because you couldn’t take your rose colored glasses off.
Also, holding onto a guy out of fear will only cause you to show up low value.
No, you are not inherently low value, but when under the influence of fear, you should be careful of slipping into low value behaviors, because you will repel him as well as feel worse about yourself later on.
By the way, did you know that there are 7 common signs a woman is low value in the eyes of all men?
Do You Know What These 7 Signs Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Frequently Asked Questions
Do Men Find Women Unattractive After Sex?
This depends on the context in which you’re having sex with the man.
In the context of casual sex, there indeed may be a bias for men to see a woman as less attractive after sex.
There has been research done on this by evolutionary psychologists at UCLA and Durham University (UK), and this is what they found:
“Men generally feel less tied to the woman after sex than before. He also tends to see her as less attractive once the sexual act is over.”
In the context of having sex with a guy who sees you as his one and only (rather than the one of many), do not worry, there’s little to no chance that he would see you as less attractive after sex.
If you’re the one and only to him, you can do no wrong.
CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
Why Do Guys Distance Themselves After Catching Feelings?
Men usually will not distance themselves after they catch feelings for a woman, although they can at times.
If a man has formed a pair bond with you, the only reasons for him distancing himself will be for positive reasons.
Namely, that he needs to regroup, find his masculine equilibrium again, or alternatively, perhaps he has an insecure attachment style. If you’d like a deep understanding of men, here are 5 Insights On Men To Ease Your Worries.
If a guy is constantly distant after sex or is hot and cold with you, you might find it helpful to find out why men go hot and cold.
Unless you’re sure that you’re in a man’s one and only basket, I’d recommend that you take a good honest look at the situation, and consider whether he’d bother spending any time with you at all if you took sex out of the equation.
Want to eliminate the heartbreak and anxiety of being in the “one of many” basket and get every man to see you as the one and only? CLICK here to get the 5 feminine secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and BEG you to be his one and only.
Why don’t guys call after you sleep with them?
There are a number of reasons why guys don’t call after you sleep with them, and each of them are specific to the context in which the sex occured.
For example, was it a one night stand, a friends with benefits situation, or just some type of casual sex encounter?
Alternatively, was it sex inside of an officially exclusive relationship?
The reasons differ according to the above contexts. Consider your specific context when you’re looking at the following reasons why don’t guys call after you sleep with them:
- He only wanted the sex and doesn’t care about you.
Guys in their default state treat sex like tasting donuts.
It can be one flavour today and another tomorrow.
But after tasting a doughnut, do you feel the need to stay close to it?
- He isn’t emotionally attached to you.
So he wouldn’t even be aware that you need him to call you after sex, and nor would he care to call, because it was just sex to him (and sex does not equal attachment or love for men).
- He is not emotionally attracted to you or in love.
A man is only going to be connected enough to your emotions if he’s fallen in love with you. And he has to connect to your emotions to know that you want him to call you after sex.
So were you guys only connected on a sexual level? If so, then it’s perfectly normal for him not to call you.
- He doesn’t want to invest in you.
Put simply, if it was just about sex, then there is no need to invest to you, and nor is there any desire for him to invest in you.
If you want a guy to invest in you, then you’ll need to consciously avoid leading with sex and instead build emotional attraction and emotional connection with every guy you come across.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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