I have a question about men.
I think I accept the fact that men tend to notice other attractive women out there. Now I don’t like this fact but that’s just their biology.
How do I be okay with that?
My boyfriend has mentioned it once or twice that he finds this woman at his workplace very attractive and when I prodded him further, he agreed that she was more attractive than I was.
Hearing him say that was hurtful. He does maintain that he does not like her and he wants me and not her because there are other qualities that he likes about me that she doesn’t have.
How am I supposed to feel about this? He might like other things about me, but when it comes to looks, he’s declared her the winner.
I tried to get him to see how it was disrespectful to me and he just said he was being honest.
I tried to let him know that what he said to me was the equivalent of me saying “He’s more capable and competent than you” about another man.
He says those are 2 different things.
I’m just hurting because he refuses to even apologize for what he said.
He just says that he regrets being honest and he will not let me know if he finds another woman attractive from now on.
Also, I do not find any other man more attractive than him and I’m not talking in terms of looks.
I feel women place more importance on if a man is capable and smart and can fill the provider role first and then care about looks.
To figure that out about a man, whether he is competent or not, takes time. It’s not something that a woman can just tell at a first glance.
I know men place more importance on how a woman looks than whether she is competent or smart.
Like if men had to pick a partner, they’d rather look for a smart/loving woman from a group of attractive women than look for an attractive woman from a group of smart women.
I feel the opposite is true for women.
Also, physical attractiveness can be gauged in the first few seconds.
So maybe that’s the reason why men can find women attractive without any time investment but for women to find a man attractive, they need to know him a little better?
I think I’m accepting the fact that he does find other women more attractive than me but it really feels bad.
I was fine until he just said he found someone attractive, but ever since he added the “than me” comparison, I’ve been going crazy.
So how do I not let myself feel bad? It has been affecting my self-esteem.
I keep comparing myself to every woman I see. Especially women that he knows in his life.
I don’t want to feel this way. I was never like this before.
>>>>>>> MY ANSWER
Processing The Harsh Reality
I know this is hard.
What you are describing about you “going crazy” is completely normal when and if you care about the person you’re invested in.
What you fear are the fears of the human. Specifically the human female.
We all sense the harsh reality:
That mating is a competition, and we have to compete with other members of the same gender for the best mate.
But that’s only one level of truth, you see.
(When a man is in love with you, no other woman is competition for his resources. Because his resources are reserved all for you. Here is an article on 3 Undercover Ways To Be More High Value Over Other Women.)
Your boyfriend may have triggered the insecure part of you, as well as the competitiveness inside of you.
Yet there’s a whole lot more to this problem than just feeling insecure and competitive.
In other words, just because you feel bad, doesn’t mean that feeling bad is all there is.
This is because your fears are here to help you become more resourceful and to find a better meaning.
(To help you deal with this insecurity, here’s an article I wrote on The Secret To Eliminating Female Competition).
There’s so many things to say about this. I’ll share what I know to be true in no particular order.
(First I’ll just say that it’s funny that this man has not yet learned the lesson that when his woman asks a question like this, he can and should never answer so objectively. Novice move, but that’s ok…)
Hopefully he will care enough to learn at some point, that his job is to make you feel radiant.
Hopefully, rather than be too much of a guy in that moment and answer objectively like he’d answer a question from other guys, he’ll see you as the sensitive woman you are.
Secondly, we have to consider that his answer really came about because you prodded him.
In reality, you wanted to hear him say that you’re more beautiful and how could any other woman compare to you?!
Or some variation of that.
Nothing wrong with wanting that.
Here’s How Guys Think
And here’s the but.
YOU asked an objective question.
You said that when you prodded him further, he “agreed” that she was more attractive than you.
So your question was some variation of this:
“Is SHE more attractive than me?”
He agreed and answered: yes she is.
However, being the woman (female) that you are, there’s a couple of problems with this.
1: You asked an objective question, but in reality, you asked it from a subjective place.
2: You wanted a subjective answer. You didn’t really want the truth.
So you can’t really blame him for answering the way he did.
I understand him.
But I also understand your perspective. I understand your feelings. I’ve been there.
Let me share with you a story from my past with David, because it’s similar to this.
About 15 years ago, I remember asking him about the young women he was surrounded with at university.
There were a lot of attractive ones, and the women studying physiotherapy (his fellow students) are known to be particularly attractive/good looking.
I was asking if he felt that I was less attractive or more attractive than the women in his course.
He said What?
He gave me an objective answer. He said:
“You are more attractive than at least 70% of them”.
Now, at the time, I took this to mean “30% of the other women there are more attractive than you.”
That means 3 out of 10 of them are BETTER than me??!!
How could he?
Lol. This is all so funny to me in hindsight.
(That’s not what he meant at all. As I found out later on, he was answering an objective question objectively, and what he meant was that my looks were in the top 30% range. And were generally better than at least 70% of the other women in the physiotherapy course.)
So he was grouping the women into a range of attractiveness in his mind, according to my objective question.
I asked an objective question. He sees his job as to give an objective answer.
Don’t Ask Objective Questions If You Don’t Want Objective Answers
Here’s the crux of it:
You see, what you and I were asking our boyfriends, is essentially the same as asking:
“Am I taller than her?”
It’s a yes or no answer.
And men gravitate towards being objective, whereas women generally gravitate towards being subjective.
In all fairness to the men out there…
Women asking objective questions when they are wanting subjective answers doesn’t make for a mutually fulfilling interaction.
And it’s a common misunderstanding among men and women.
His Job Was To Answer Truthfully…
So then as I discussed with David further, I learned something about his mind:
I learned that when I ask him a question, he sees that his job is to provide the accurate, truthful answer.
Fair enough. He’s a guy.
So guys feel like they have to have the answer to be worthy and manly, no matter what.
I remember feeling at the time that if I was going to date and eventually marry someone, that we should see each other as the MOST attractive people on earth.
MORE attractive than anyone else.
That was my perspective at the time, and still is.
Thinking back on that now, here’s what I know:
What I know is that I was really wanting him to give a subjective answer.
A sensitive answer (rather than objective) that praised me and made me feel secure that he was in love with me.
Not anyone else.
I wanted him to answer from the emotional, subjective place of being in love with me.
Because, love makes you feel that way about another person.
Because when you’re besotted with each other, you naturally think your lover is the best out there.
And that’s exactly the kind of love we had (and continue to have).
I asked him an objective question.
Do you get what I’m saying here?
When you are in love, you believe your lover is the very best.
But objectivity is objectivity.
I’m reasonably certain that objectivity and sensitivity cannot exist together at the same time.
Objectivity doesn’t really exist when a couple are in love.
They see each other as the best.
And if your boyfriend had answered your very objective question from the place of love, you would’ve gotten a very different answer.
So what your boyfriend was doing, is he was being objective.
What does that mean?
That means that the truth is the truth.
If someone is arguably more good looking than I, then I have to acknowledge the truth.
Notice I said “good looking”.
I didn’t say “attractive”.
They are different words, and even more different things!
Here’s why this is important:
Because attractiveness is absolutely something that you can influence within yourself!
Arguably, good looks are something you can influence in yourself too, by becoming the healthiest you can be.
Healthy people are at their most good looking.
However, good looks are far more objective than attractiveness.
Scientists and anthropologists have studied this for decades.
They have found that what people find good looking in males and females remains the same through all cultures and countries.
People all over the world recognise what is good looking.
But beauty and attractiveness are very different to good looks.
Good looks are generally given to you at birth and you gotta work with it.
Beauty and attractiveness come from within.
They are related to who you are and the habits you form over your lifetime.
In other words, they can be influenced!
So here’s what I suggest to you:
There’s always someone “better looking” out there.
And as we age, this concept that there’s always somebody who is better looking out there becomes more and more true.
In fact, after having 3 babies and ageing 10 years for every baby, I can comfortably say I’m fully aware that ageing is one way in which humans become less good looking overall.
(Ageing can reduce the symmetry in our face.)
I’m ok with that.
I’m not looking to compete with 21 year olds.
I’m happy for them to live and experience the joy and the good looks of youth.
Every woman should.
But I would never let myself believe that I couldn’t be the most attractive woman out there to my man.
And you shouldn’t let yourself believe that you can’t be the most attractive women out there in your man’s eyes.
Here’s the bottom line:
You can and very much have the power to be the MOST attractive woman ever (in your man’s eyes).
This, you can control.
This, you can influence.
By activating your radiance.
Attractiveness is about radiance.
It’s about the depth of your presence, your light, your joy, and your responsiveness.
My man has written an article about this:
To be deeply radiant means to be at one with life and with vulnerability.
It means to be fully alive.
Your aliveness and your responsiveness grows ever more attractive as time goes by, if you allow it.
Here Is What You CAN Control:
Instead of focusing on what you cannot control (how good looking other women are), focus on what you can control.
Your emotional and spiritual generosity.
It is the best makeup on a woman.
Here’s an article on How To Be A Soft, Feminine Woman: 18 Ways.
And it is a large part of what makes men fall in love.
This is the whole reason I made an entire online study program on this…
It’s because most women don’t understand that their focus needs to be on showing up as the kind of woman men fall in love with, and see as their “one and only”.
If you want to show up us the one and only and find it easy to have a man fall in love with you, check out my program on “Becoming His One And Only”.
Most of us never win the genetic lottery.
Because the gift of being genetically blessed passes with time.
The looks go away and men will be the first to see it. Even if you try desperately to use plastic surgery and makeup to cover it up.
(Men are wired to see age in a woman, because age relates directly to the value of the womb they are investing in!).
Does this answer your question about how do you be ok with this, a little bit? I hope so.
If not, don’t fret, there’s more!
Did He Really Intentionally Make You Feel Bad?
I agree with you when you say that what he said to you is the equivalent of you saying that some other man was more powerful or capable than him.
But, I’m a woman.
And at the same time, you did prod him to talk…
You DID ask him to go deeper. And that’s how it came out that he said she was more attractive than you.
So, I don’t think he intended to make you feel bad.
He just needs to learn that when it comes to women and their looks, it’s a sensitive topic, and so there’s little value in just being truthful in answering your question.
Instead, his goal should be to make you feel like the most radiant and attractive woman on earth.
Just as your goal should be to make him feel like he is God.
Well, that’s how David and I do things anyway. It works well.
(And no, this isn’t co-dependency. This is a simple concept called adding value to your lover!)
How Do you Be Okay With Men Finding Other Women Attractive?
I would say that the next time you pass a group of young and fit, athletic 20 year old boys, take a good look.
Take in the beauty of their capability, their handsomeness and their youth.
Witness the strength of their youthful bodies.
See the effects of the testosterone coursing through their veins.
And then realize that what you’re observing is simply a gift of nature.
You’re just observing, you are not yearning for them sexually.
It’s objective appreciation.
It’s the same as admiring a very symmetrical face on a young woman, or the beauty of the rare perfect rainbow.
I know it’s getting harder and harder to see young and fit 20 year olds these days.
Most teenagers in this day and age have had so many assaults on their health by the time they hit 13, that it’s near impossible for them to develop to their full potential of the health and looks.
Generations before us had far more symmetrical faces and clear skin than the youth do these days.
But there’s always young and fit men around somewhere if you look.
Anyway, I digress.
Can You Witness The Beauty of Young Men?
What I’m saying is, see the beauty of young men and let yourself witness that.
Let yourself feel that what your boyfriend (or men) is observing in an attractive woman is no different to you observing exactly that.
And similarly, you or your boyfriend could have the same admiration for a majestic tree, or a perfectly bloomed flower.
Other Women’s Good Looks Are Nothing Compared To Your Ability To Do THIS
How could witnessing the exterior beauty of a human or even nature, ever compare to connecting to your man’s soul, and him connecting to yours?
Love is precious.
Warmth and connection is precious.
A soul to soul connection is precious. And rare.
Good looks cannot ever trump the value of love, or the value of a soul to soul connection.
So, here’s what I suggest:
Spend your time and energy investing in connecting to your man’s soul.
Invest your energy in loving his imperfections as well as your own.
As humans, our imperfections are our vulnerability.
Your ability to do that, is far more valuable than the transient nature of good looks.
Just because your boyfriend or men in general can appreciate good looks, doesn’t mean that you are less powerful in this world.
Doesn’t mean you are less beautiful or attractive.
And doesn’t mean you can’t have men falling head over heels in love with you.
Always remember something my David said:
“Men don’t fall in love with perfect women.”
And there’s an article on it: Men Don’t Fall In Love With Perfect Women.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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