Do You really want to start circular dating?
For every dating choice we make, there is a cost. Some dating techniques have a higher negative cost than others, when considering your end goal.
(The end goal for women is usually to get a high value committed partner).
Due to the ubiquitousness of the advice to multi date, circular date, or rotational date, I felt the calling to write about it.
This dating technique is popular because it seems to make sense. But read on to find out why circular dating isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
Find out the Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating…
You may have heard of circular dating. If you haven’t yet, I’ll let you know what it is quickly.
Circular dating is: a term coined by Rori Raye, relationship author of Have the Relationship You Want.
Dating several men (at least 3) all at the same time. You accept the date with the man who calls first, and do not shuffle times or even think about manipulating the schedule in order to get dates with the man you like best, or dates to the most fun places.
There’s another level to Rori’s circular dating though, as Rori says on her blog:
“Circular Dating as a tool is not about “dating.” It’s about interacting with everyone – man, woman and child, so you can practice my tools of opening up and allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state, until it becomes automatic and your self-esteem soars.”
First I want to say that my appreciation goes out to Rori, simply because I kow that her Circular Dating tool comes from a place of empathy for women.
I appreciate her for truly considering what it’s like for a woman to be ‘attached’ to just ONE man.
For women, being attached to one man, and feeling him not coming forward and not committing is a painful experience.
I appreciate Rori’s resolve to find a solution to that problem for us women.
Before I get in to my answer for this…
Every woman has her own reasons for circular dating, yet most women usually try to do it based on the experts’ advice:
Date multiple people to void becoming desperate, and to avoid overly attaching to one man.
Should I Circular Date or Muti date?
Here’s my answer to should you circular date? According to 3 different situations:
Number 1: for women who are currently single.
Number 2: for women who are in a dating relationship for 1-5 months and he’s withdrawing; and
Number 3: for women who are in a long term relationship of 5 or more months and he’s not committing.
Situation Number 1: You’re currently single. My answer: Sure. circular date. It’s not any different to just dating men. Circular dating is a fancy way to put it. Why should you stay and wait for one man when you are single? You shouldn’t.
Situation Number 2: For women who are in a relationship for 1-5 months and he’s withdrawing. Ok. Think about it. If you are in this situation, why would you want to circular date?
Well, first of all, you probably don’t want to, because you wouldn’t be reading this for a solution.
If you really did want to just go and date other men, you would have done that already and you wouldn’t be indecisive about it.
The fact is, you are already invested in this one man, and would like him to commit to you. But he isn’t.
So you might consider Rori Raye’s circular dating to get yourself out of a fearful place, and to satisfy your cravings for some certainty in your life.
I understand, I have had the same thoughts in my past.
Here’s the thing:
In a 1-5 month relationship, you are still dating and you cannot expect an exclusive commitment from a man unless you have both discussed it.
Or, unless, you and the man have somehow pre-framed the relationship in a way that indicates you are both now exclusively committed.
Here Are 2 Better Questions Than “Should I Circular Date?”
So in this particular context, the question is NOT should you circular date?
Instead, there are two questions you can ask yourself:
Because if you are doing this, you are sending out signals of Low Value.
So stop it right now, and start being authentic. Your value is NOT in just sleeping with a man.
Remember, a man will commit to you when he’s emotionally attached or in love with you.
It’s very easy for a man to just keep you around even when he doesn’t want to commit to you or have a real long term relationship with you! Here are the no BS reasons why men do that.
Because, when you and I as women, sit down and think or worry about how committed a man really is, we usually only see it from OUR perspective.
Especially in the 1-5 month stage! We are invested pretty quickly. It is in our biology; we want pair bonding as soon as possible.
1-5 months for you as a woman might mean you’re thinking you are already in a relationship that is leading to marriage.
For HIM though, he may not have even thought about a deeper relationship commitment yet, because he is a man and doesn’t have that need.
In reality, sometimes, the man really IS committed. In his mind. And at his pace, and in his way.
Men can actually choose to never marry a woman and be completely, head over heels in love and yet without a single doubt be committed her.
A man cannot call for 4 days and still be committed. Hard to accept? But it can be true, depending on your situation.
Lots of small things can indicate commitment on his part. It’s just that, men don’t understand women in general, and they just have no idea WHAT you want or HOW you want it.
And the problem with that is, they will not give it to you when you simply go talk to him about what you want, because he probably can’t hear you in a way that makes sense to him.
Instead, he hears:
Complaint. Criticism. Unhappy woman.
“Hmmm. Ok. Awesome. I am officially unsuccessful in making this woman happy, so I might just go to work where I do feel successful, and forget about it all. Yeah, I like that idea.”
Most women don’t realise that they are not letting their man now their needs in a way that a man can appreciate and understand.
What you need to ask yourself is:
How can I show a man my needs in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m trying to emasculate him as a man?
Now, another thing: maybe a man is dating you out of convenience and he is still in to his ex or he just wants easy, comfortable sex.
If you suspect that he is doing this, then I suggest you read the 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
If you can tell he’s keeping you around for his own convenience, (and isn’t really attuned to what you want and need), then it’s time you left and started dating others.
Situation Number 3: For women who are in a long term relationship of 5 or more months and he’s not committing.
The answer is a simple no to circular dating.
Don’t just get up and state that you are now going to circular date, if what you want is happiness and commitment.
Here is why:
Doing anything from fear in your relationship is usually the wrong thing to do. Unless you’re running away from an abusive man, but that’s a different topic altogether.
The biggest problem I have with circular dating is that it is fear meeting fear. And it’s a fearful tactic used to solve a fearful situation.
You are responding to his fear with your own fear. Which in all fairness, is quite justified because it’s just a reciprocal response. Yet it has enormous consequences.
When you as a woman feel fear, it usually entails the following concerns:
- You feel that time is running out.
- Or you feel that by being emotionally invested in this ONE man, that you have gotten the short end of the stick.
- Or you feel….that if he’s going to fluff around, that you should have the “right” to go date other men and get your ‘needs met’.
But remember, for most men who are already emotionally attached to you but not committing in the way you need him to commit, he is not committing out of fear.
If you have taken my home study course commitment control, you would know that this fear is called Commitment Resistance.
What you need to do is get a little insight in to how to overcome his commitment resistance, which basically starts with having compassion and empathy for him as a man, no matter how hurtful the situation is to you.
Also, I know that being with a man who isn’t fully committed in the way you want feels painful.
I’m not going to tell you that your feelings are wrong. Because they are your feelings, they are real to you, and I sure as hell have felt that way before.
So I wouldn’t make you wrong for that.
What Will You Really Get Out Of Circular Dating?
The question is: What will you truly get out of circular dating?
Will you get certainty that some man will commit to you? Of course not.
You can’t control any man, and you also cannot always control everything, no matter how organised your life is or your ideas of how and when you’re going to get married and have children.
(The unexpected often gets in the way.)
Looking back over the last 10 years of your life, have things always been certain and predictable? Has everything gone to plan for you?
Then why act as if you can make everything go to plan?
Why start trying to control everything?
Why not instead, start living and loving?
Some women plan to have a baby and be married by 28. That happens, they get married at 28…..which is great.
Then they try for a baby expecting it to happen and it doesn’t happen for 5 years, or they end up being told they are infertile.
Is it their fault? No. It’s just that, you need to accept that we are not in a game of control here. We are in a game of living and growing.
Control is an illusion we create to try to find some security in this crazy world of confusion and pain.
Will You Gain CONFIDENCE from Circular Dating?
What circular dating is, is an attempt to control your bias for attaching to one man early, and it’s a way to control men as well.
How is it a way to control men?
Well, you try to control how they act and how they feel by ‘playing hard to get’ and dating multiple men.
I’ve heard countless times from women that if they make themselves less available by dating multiple men, then a man will see that she’s hot property and be more likely to ‘claim’ her.
That’s just not true. You don’t want to try to force a man to be exclusive with you.
And you also don’t want to use men against themselves. In other words, you don’t want to use a bunch of men in your rotation to try to get yourself to feel less attached to ONE man.
Because I have news for you:
As a woman, you will still always attached to the one man who is the most high value.
Not to mention, when you’re already in a relationship, choosing to circular date is leading with disconnection and advertising your lack of loyalty.
The bottom line is:
Circular dating is not working WITH him, it is working AGAINST him.
I date other men, because YOU don’t commit right now in the way that I want.
And – Will you get real confidence from circular dating, as Rori Raye states that you will?
Not at all! Confidence doesn’t come from dating different people and taking whatever first offer comes.
(As if you have no power other than to sit there and wait for men to pursue you).
Confidence is a feeling of deep certainty within yourself.
A feeling of self ownership that no amount of constantly dating other people will EVER replace. And confidence is earned by doing the hard things. Not the easy things.
There is no shortcut to confidence.
That’s why we crave and admire the people who are self confident, and we all want it for ourselves.
Yet confidence is internal. It’s a feeling you gain by doing hard things.
Circular dating or rotational dating is just trying to use a band aid to cover up a gaping wound. It’s not going to give you confidence.
We admire people who have a deep sense of confidence for one reason: there IS no short cut.
It’s not like biting our nails or going to the restroom.
More Sanity Through Circular Dating?
So if you circular date, will you get sanity and peace from all the drama of your man being cold and distant?
I don’t know, maybe. But most likely not. Because it isn’t just him. Drama and uncertainty comes from you as well.
It comes from the story that you tell yourself in your own head, and therefore experience in real life. It’s interesting, how perception can change everything in a heartbeat.
I would not recommend circular dating, for Rori’s reasons in any scenario.
I recommend, if you want to, to date different men when you are single. No problem with that at all.
I just don’t agree with the idea of using rotational dating as a tool. It’s ok to date more than one man, but using circular dating to avoid being attached to a man is not going to work.
As a woman, you are meant to attach. It is a bias that you need to relax into, appreciate, feel and understand.
You need to let it work for you, and use it to guide your actions with men, rather than trying to avoid it or make it less intense by dating multiple men.
That’s basically trying to avoid being a woman!
Can You Get a COMMITMENT from a man Through Circular Dating?
But here is the trap you don’t want to fall in to:
Do not start circular dating to get a commitment from a man.
Because to get a commitment from a man there are TWO ways to get it;
- 1) to Inspire it, and then his commitment is Always 100% genuine and he does it because he worships you.
- 2) to force it (or passively force it, as through Circular Dating), and you know you always did it the cheap way. (read my article on how to make a man commit)
The 5 Big Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating
To finish off, I want you to make your own decision.
I am not here to tell you what to do. I want you to choose.
To help you make your own informed decision about whether you should circular date or not, here are the flaws that I see in circular dating for the reason Rori gives to do it in the first place:
Danger #1: It Makes You Passive.
Unfortunately, circular dating makes you a passive woman.
“Accepting the date with the man who calls first” leaves YOU on the effect side of things.
Here’s the thing. In life, there is cause and effect. Most of us, simply because we are human beings and we aren’t always rational and logical, we THINK we are on the effect side of things.
We think that for example, if a man is not contacting us, then there’s nothing we can do to inspire him to make the move and contact us.
Well, that’s wrong.
We inspire men to commit and emotionally attach to us by building emotional attraction and emotional connection.
(I have the privilege of teaching you how to do this in Commitment Control 2.0. Find out more about how to inspire his commitment by clicking on this link to register to watch our Commitment Masterclass. )
The problem with being on the effect side of things is that you’ve not solved a single thing in the first place.
You are still being passive.
You’re assuming that your power is only so strong as going out to date different men, and taking whichever date you get first. This is not sitting in your authentic power as a woman, rather, it’s being passive.
You Should Be Getting Clear On The Type Of Man You Are Looking For!
The best way to solve all this if you are really looking for a solution would be to get VERY clear on what kind of man you are looking for and then become the woman that man would want to be with.
(This is the secret behind attracting the right types of men!)
Not only will that kind of man be irresistibly attracted to you and your energy, you won’t have to look far and wide to find him, he’ll find you.
Of course, it’s easier said than done, because often, we feel desperate since time is ticking, and we think that the next easiest man with resources who comes along and gives us some attention should be who we settle for.
Being on the EFFECT side of things assumes that you have little power to inspire commitment and more intense feelings of attraction in the man you want.
That is pure lunacy. You have far more influence to enchant any man than you could ever dream possible. It simply takes you to start being on the cause end of things, rather than the effect end of things, and being passive.
And it’s not about controlling men. It’s about inspiring them as the goddess that you are inside.
Danger #2: Being Vulnerable & Allowing Love In has Nothing To Do With Circular Dating
2) According to Rori, you circular date:
“So you can practice my tools of opening up and allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state – until it becomes automatic and your self-esteem soars.”
Here’s the truth:
Opening up, “allowing love in, being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state” has nothing to do with circular dating.
If you want to open, you do it right now.
You do it as you read. You do it as you walk or talk with your loved ones and friends.
To become authentically vulnerable (without being needy), here’s what you do:
You read something that touches a nerve, and you let yourself break down.
You walk past a mother and a baby, and you wish you had that, and you allow yourself to open and allow the burning feeling of yearning in your heart to be felt.
You walk past a man loving kissing a woman’s head, and you open and let yourself be inspired by that moment of love.
You are with a man who is not giving you the attention you want, and instead of being resentful, you allow yourself to open.
You do this either alone with him, and you cry or you feel intensely hurt and angry, simply because of life.
Not because of HIM. It’s not him. It’s life. It just isn’t working out the way you want right now. And that really, really hurts.
And you open emotionally by feeling (and perhaps showing) that, and experiencing that truth.
You can do this alone or with others. It’s not necessary to open your heart, mind, soul or schedule to a bunch of average Joes for the sake of having a rotation, and ‘dating like men do’.
See, opening has nothing to do with circular dating.
Open now and you will either get rid of the man you currently love, or you will repel him through that depth of vulnerability as a woman.
Danger #3: Circular Dating Cannot Raise Your Intrinsic Value
If you’ve been reading my work for a little while, you know that I teach that in order to attract a man who doesn’t just casually take care of you, but who worships the ground you walk upon, you need to be High Value and High Status.
That is, you need to be intrinsically high value.
Well, Rori Raye’s circular dating is just another tool that is being offered to you as a way to advertise your ‘high value’. That’s all that it really is.
A surface way to create some high value for yourself. Hoping he will commit.
Here’s the problem with circular dating in this situation:
Not only does it not change your intrinsic value as a woman…
It’s good for a split second, but it is also very quick to irritate and scare the men around you.
Just because your ONE man doesn’t commit, doesn’t mean another man committing to you through circular dating is a good thing.
Because YOU haven’t necessarily changed. It’s just that your tactic has changed.
By the time men see or hear that circular dating is what you want to do, they can’t appreciate your value anymore.
Because they associate you with being the woman who made them feel pressured in to doing something. (Or the woman who left when it was hard).
And all of a sudden, you probably seem like a fearful woman who needs to date other men to feel confident and to try to FORCE or TAKE a commitment from the best man that she can get it from.
Danger #4: Circular dating uses force to get you out of desperation.
That’s right. Circular dating uses force to get you out of desperation.
Circular dating is NOT a solution based on a true understanding of men.
It’s based on a selfish way to get your own needs met without considering him. You are trying to force him (or some other man) in to a commitment by trapping him.
Danger #5: Circular Dating Is Essentially A Tool To Confine And Trap A Man
Circular dating is essentially a tool to confine and trap a man, when it is done out of desperation for commitment, or fear.
And this is so frustrating for me to hear because the one thing masculinity desires is freedom.
And a man wants to feel free WITH you.
He doesn’t want to feel you trying to trap him. Men have spent millenia running from low value women who try to just trap them out of fear.
Essentially, if you circular date to get a commitment, the man will feel everything as a restriction of his freedom.
Wouldn’t you agree? When circular dating, you’re trying to get your current man, or basically any man to commit to you.
If you want to get it in that way, no man will ever feel free with you and you risk being single and childless forever.
Circular Dating: Has it Actually Changed your Mindset?
Let’s see. He’s not committing. You need a commitment. Or so you think you do. So you go date other men to try to get that commitment.
Here’s my question about that:
Does circular dating CHANGE the fundamental way you approach your relationship with this man in the first place?
Are you assuming that some other man will be better? Well, what if he is?
Can you rely on that? Not likely.
Most likely, you will go along and have the exact same problem with another man, because your underlying mindset and beliefs about men and dating and the world have not changed at all.
Which means that you will attract the same kind of man.
(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)
My conclusion is this:
Date more than one man if you are single and if you are open to that idea.
But do not circular date to get your current man (or some other man) to commit.
Force doesn’t work.
It’s simply trying to solve fear with fear. And that is not solving anything.
Attracting men in a high value way does solve something. Don’t use your fear to meet this man’s fear.
If you are currently in a relationship for 5 or more months, well, you attracted your current man for a reason.
You can’t bail out saying:
“He’s NOT committing!”
And turn your back on him because you’re scared. You attracted him for a reason. He didn’t just fall in to your life. You attracted him!
What you do and the energy you put out to the world and to men, is returned to you multiplied.
He’s not only NOT committing because of him, he’s also not committing because of you, and the way your relationship together makes him FEEL.
He’s fearful and so are you. For whatever reason.
As author and speaker David Deida says, we always attract our reciprocal.
If your current man is fearful of committing, his fear matches your fear.
My guess is that, at the heart of it all, you do not want to circular date at all.
You just want to feel free and to trust a man. You want to feel like you can open to a man, or to men, and to give your gift of your feminine energy and love and be loved without feeling afraid and restricted.
And, the only person restricting you is yourself.
Well, you don’t need anybody’s permission.
If you choose to open now and not WAIT for some new men, you won’t even have the problem anymore.
The quality of commitment and the quality of men you attract is a direct reflection of how committed and open YOU are and how much of a quality woman you allow yourself to show up as.
Your barrier is not men, it’s yourself.
Here is the bottom line:
Don’t make decisions out of FEAR. The moment you make a decision out of fear, you just made the wrong decision.
If you want to circular date, be absolutely SURE that you are not doing it out of fear, or to get a commitment from a man.
Unless you want to become low value.
If you are committed to becoming a high value woman, and really want to inspire a deep and passionate commitment from a man, it is not a dream.
It is possible. I don’t have ALL the answers. But I certainly have enough, and I can show you how to inspire a deep commitment in Commitment Control 2.0. Watch our Commitment Masterclass and learn more about this program and the three words that inspires your man to commit to you.
P.S – Have you tried Circular Dating? If so, what were your experiences? Do you want to try circular dating? Your experience may help hundreds of other women make the right decision, so do share your experience with circular dating below.
P.S. Connect with me on social media.
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
- Here’s The Feminine Woman Facebook page…
- Here’s my Instagram Pages TheFeminineWoman & My Personal Instagram.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.