Weak is what we feel when we are in the process of resisting vulnerability.
We feel weak precisely because we are in the process of resisting being vulnerable.
Everyone is naturally vulnerable. Some of us just spend our lives pretending we are too good for that stuff.
In that process, we can also become unaware that we are pushing everyone away. Especially men who want to take care of us.
See, because we are uncomfortable with our own so called emotional weakness, we divert our attention away from our own emotions towards making others wrong.
(All the while missing the fact that the focus should be on becoming more authentic and willing to connect deeply ourselves!)
We judge the emotional women. We judge the women who are more concerned with love and family life versus glamour and physical appearance.
As such, it becomes harder and harder for us to have hope that we will find true love.
Vulnerability Allow Us To Erect Boundaries And See Through Others’ BS
What about men?
Well, men are vulnerable too…they just don’t express it the same way because they are naturally emotionally more narrow than women.
Perhaps also because society doesn’t allow them more status if they reveal their emotions.
Men need to be skilful in order to be able to find a quality mate. Skill acquisition is one of the fundamental parts of living as a quality man.
Women don’t necessarily have to focus on being skilful in life, other than within their relationships.
For example, women don’t have to have too many career-oriented skills in order to be a woman of value to men.
And in order to do that, women need to be able to rest in their own vulnerability.
Vulnerability is not for everyone. It’s not for most people; vulnerability.
But it might be for you. Because vulnerable people are more likely to see straight through man’s shit, and more likely to keep real friends, not “followers”.
Best of all, vulnerability gives us the gift of owning ourselves, and not getting hooked by other people’s judgments, and attempted manipulations of us.
By the way, here’s an article I wrote on How Most Women Reject their Femininity & How You can Stand Our From the Crowd.
Defensiveness Or Authenticity: One Of ‘Those’ Moments
I was about to snap back at him because I felt humiliated. But I stopped; something told me to wake up.
I had rushed to the gym, and before I left home I reminded myself to cut the tag off my new t-shirt.
You know what happened next, don’t you? I forgot to cut the tag off and went to the gym with the tag still on.
I’m cool like that.
I went about my work out, headphones in, and 10 minutes into my work out, a man came after me and tapped me on the back.
I turned around and he started to talk, but then pointed to his ears to suggest that I should take my earphones out of my ears. I felt confused at that point, and scared.
What was this man so urgently trying to communicate to me?
I said; “Earphones?” he then pointed to my neck area, and I instantly knew he was pointing out my tag.
“Ohh!” I said, touching the tag behind, and looking towards him. “Thanks!” I said.
Then I proceeded to put my water bottle down so I could pull the tag off.
Just after I said thanks and the man was walking off….he laughed heartily and LOUDLY. As he did that, he asked; “Do you want me to help you take it off???”
I said, “Oh no thank you, that’s OK!”
I noticed a gut reaction came up from a feeling of adrenaline when he walked off laughing…(like, he laughed??? Roarrrr)
I had a visual reaction play out in front of my eyes for a millisecond. It was a vision of me turning to him and sarcastically saying; “Oh it’s funny, is it?”
But some ‘thing’ in my head called me out on my gutlessness. Instead of saying such a nasty thing back to him, I made my body turn to him and forced myself to make eye contact and responded with what I said above (“Oh no thank you, that’s OK!” ) instead.
I spent 10 more minutes working out. In those 10 minutes, my mind and body were feeling and thinking about different things.
My mind was like “Meh just keep going, hold out, look calm…it’s just a freaking tag. No need to feel embarrassed.”
Yet, as I had stopped myself barking back a nasty comment to him and surrendered to my slight feeling of embarrassment and humiliation, I realised even though I was thinking so many things; my body was feeling free.
Because the moment I engaged with this man, and that moment where I looked him in the eye, I was attuned to him and felt HIM.
I’ll tell you the implications of this in a moment.
But the thoughts in my head going ‘look calm and capable, it’s just a tag’, – all that ‘stuff’? It’s from my past.
It was irrelevant talk to try to mask my vulnerability; to avoid feeling embarrassment.
It was in the past. It (the stuff) didn’t have a clue, as the mind often doesn’t when it comes to human emotion.
The mind tries to stop us from surrendering to real relationships, to our gut; our sense of attunement, and to our bodily sensations.
In this scenario, my wide open body was actually ready to actively and vulnerably FEEL embarrassment related to the situation.
Even though the emotion was uncomfortable, the fact that I didn’t get defensive allowed me to see the humour in this interaction.
And that humour wasn’t just to benefit the guy, it was to benefit me! It was to free me from the chains of embarrassment!
I was surprisingly free because the moment I chose to look him in the eye and engage with this man, rather than recoil out of fear of being vulnerable, was the moment I realised that this is what it’s all about.
Confidence In Relationships Is Vulnerability
So what was my realisation all about? It was that this sense of renewed vulnerability gave me confidence.
This feels like freedom. This feels like radiance. This is the very definition of success and personal mastery.
Anyone can take anything away from us. They can take away our money, our career at the drop of a hat, we can lose jobs, partners, have acid thrown on our pretty faces, have our life collapse right before our eyes…
Yet no one can take away the feeling that we own ourselves; and that we are capable.
You know what I believe capability is?
Capability in our relationships specifically, is vulnerability.
The Two Types Of Vulnerability That Are Important For Healthy Relationships
And in this interaction with this man at the gym, if I chose, I was free to be vulnerable in two ways and teo ways that matter to ALL of us:
- Vulnerable in the sense of I was attuned to him, the man. Not to my ‘head’ which was not the present, it was the past.
- Vulnerable in feeling exactly what the interaction made me feel.
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Every Feeling Is OK
It’s OK to feel embarrassed. Embarrassment is OK; and not to be resisted. Once I felt it, it was gone. It didn’t keep confronting me.
Rejecting emotion is to assume that we are inhuman. If we reject it, in a sense we are not ‘alive’.
But wait, there’s more to this story!
After my initial interaction with this man, I happened to walk over to the drinking tap at the same time as him, and we met again. I took one earphone out, as I smiled at him and he smiled back.
The moment we smiled at each other, he said to me; ‘I’m actually one of the personal trainers here at the gym, I wasn’t trying to hassle you.’
I looked in to his eyes, knowing what I know of men through my work and study, most decent men want to do the right thing.
Then I said; ‘Oh, I didn’t feel hassled, just embarrassed!’ as I smiled. And he laughed heartily again at my humour about it, and walked off again.
And as he walked off, he said ‘Oh I just saw the tag and thought; she might wanna know about that!’
He wanted to be useful, and he clearly did not care that I felt embarrassed. Nor was he actually judging me.
(Okay maybe he wanted to talk to me, even.)
He wasn’t trying to be obnoxious. But lets say he was, right? Let’s just pretend for a second that he was meaning to be obnoxious.
The way I consciously chose to turn my painful embarrassment into humour completely melted my own fear, and made my vulnerability something joyful.
In that moment I realised I created a mature interaction between myself and this man.
It was a nice sense of personal mastery, because I was able to add value to myself instead of being crippled by a feeling of shame on top of embarrassment!
Yes I was proud of myself. As someone who grew up feeling embarrassed and self conscious a lot, this was truly a gift from not only my vulnerability, but my conscious awareness of my vulnerability and how to use it well.
(Speaking of vulnerability – do you know what is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)
Attunement To A Man And To Our Feelings Is Vulnerable
As I smiled and filled my bottle up at the tap, I thought; he laughed…and if I wasn’t willing to just ‘be’ with him in that moment, and be wide open, I would have withdrawn, and avoided him (the opposite of vulnerable).
As a consequence, I would’ve dragged on this feeling of embarrassment by hiding away. (What we resist, persists!)
Or I would have ignored him or just assumed he was laughing because he was a total loser, getting off on my embarrassing incident.
But because I allowed my trembling insides to fully open to this interaction, because I gave MYSELF a feeling of safety while feeling vulnerable, I suddenly realised that yes, there might have been some very horrible, judgemental people in my past who would have laughed at me over this and intended to make me feel bad.
…But by allowing myself to relax, I was able to attune myself to this man and in the process I was able to see the good in his heart. I was able to see him for truly who he is.
I felt it. I knew it.
I felt that he was a genuinely good guy who really thought he was helping me out. Wow, what a revelation.
Do you know what I felt in that moment?
It was one of those moments that defined my life from then on.
It taught me that being vulnerable is what made me completely strong; and completely capable of having a relationship with a man I wanted.
I didn’t have to just ‘settle’ for some half committed man…because I suddenly felt what it was like to allow wide open vulnerability sweep over every cell in my body…
They Say ‘Pain Is Weakness Leaving The Body’
And do you know when I actually felt weak?
I felt weak shortly after my first interaction with him, where my mind kept telling me to ‘act calm…it’s just a tag’….because that IS weakness.
It was weak and I FELT weak because I was totally resisting being wide open to my feeling of embarrassment, just in that moment. But for the rest of the time…I felt free.
And when I was open to embarrassment, suddenly, it didn’t matter anymore…
Because my senses were perked then…and because my senses were well, sensitive! As they should be!
I could also feel the beauty of gratitude for this man, of relief, of humour, of this man’s happiness for feeling like he helped me.
Most of all, I was able to sense him based on who he is in the now, and not judge him based on an experience from my past.
I think in sports they say ‘pain is weakness leaving the body’, well, I believe it’s true of emotions too.
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Why Does Resisting Vulnerability Makes Us Weak?
The reason resisting vulnerability makes us feel weak is because resisting vulnerability is all about being separate from ourselves, and consequently from others.
When we’re resisting others or being separate from others, we are not able to achieve true attunement with others. And that is attunement to people; animals, babies, our children.
United we stand, divided we fall.
We let ourselves fall when we forget that we are a part of something. We are each other. We are all a part of someone, of something, of…things that we can’t even describe.
And we ARE weak when we are invulnerable and unwilling to feel; because people are less likely to relate to us and form strong, loyal, trusting relationships with us.
Interestingly, in an article on scientific American, the author pointed out how humans became so successful at being the dominant species on the planet:
‘Surely one important key to our success to date is our unique ability to cooperate in large, well organised groups – at a rate and more expansively than other animals.’
We were made to thrive together; we have just segregated ourselves.
Who do we need when things turn to crap in our life?
We need a man, friends, family, our pets, our children. That’s who.
And who isn’t there when we are trying to avoid our actual feelings?
Well, most people aren’t there.
People can’t be there if they tried, often because we push them away.
Sometimes it’s because they themselves hate being around you when you’re vulnerable as it reminds them of their own immortality and lack of control.
A lot of times, it’s because of the way we communicate – ie; we don’t communicate vulnerably. We expect people to read us and know us and just ‘be there’.
Being Vulnerable Pr
Imagine being an 80 year old lady….almost your whole life, your whole existence is behind you….and yet you feel strong and ready for death, because…you’ve surrendered to the inevitability of disintegration. This is strength. And one day, it is ALL we will have, you and I.
Our existence isn’t guaranteed; and wide openness is what is valuable, and makes us high value, and less able to attract douche bags.
Your vulnerability is your strength. In some cases, it’s all you’ve got.
It’s what makes you real, whole, responsive, in tune, capable, and connected and loved, and able to connect with anything and anyone that you want.
It is also what makes you able to feel people or men’s bad intent, if they do deliberately want to hurt you.
The attunement and vulnerability allows you to see if a man truly likes you as well.
It helps you see who really cares. Because your senses become perked to how their actions really make you feel…your gut and your authenticity are able to serve you now.
United we stand, divided we fall.
But we can’t unite and have a sacred relationship without this strength of vulnerability.
Who was the last person whose lack of vulnerability hurt your heart very deeply?
Who was the last person you connected deeply to?
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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