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Article updated 2018

Weak is what we feel when we are in the process of resisting vulnerability.

And we feel weak precisely because we are in the process of resisting being vulnerable.

Everyone is naturally vulnerable. Some of us just spend our lives pretending we are too good for that stuff. We judge the emotional women. We judge the women who are more concerned with love and family life versus glamour and physical appearance. By the way, here’s an article I wrote on How Most Women Reject their Femininity & How You can Stand Our From the Crowd.

And men? Well, men are vulnerable too…they just don’t express it the same because they are naturally emotionally more narrow than women, or because, well, society doesn’t allow them more status if they reveal their emotions.

It’s not for everyone. It’s not for most people; vulnerability. But it might be for you. Because vulnerable people are more likely to see straight through man’s shit, and more likely to keep real friends, not followers.

Best of all, vulnerability gives us the gift of owning ourselves, and not getting hooked by other people’s judgments, and attempted manipulations of us.

One of  ‘those’ moments

I was about to snap back at him because I felt humiliated. But I stopped; something told me to wake the hell up.

I had rushed to the gym, and before I left home I reminded myself to cut the tag off my new t-shirt. You know what happened next, don’t you? I forgot to cut the tag off and went to the gym with the tag still on.

I’m cool like that.

I went about my work out, headphones in, and 10 minutes into my work out, a man came after me and tapped me on the back; I turned around, and he started to talk, but then pointed to his ears to suggest to me to take my earphones out of my ears. I felt confused at that point, and scared.

What was this man so urgently trying to communicate to me?

I said; “Earphones?” he then pointed to my neck area, and I instantly knew he was pointing out my tag.

“Ohh!” I said, touching the tag behind, and looking towards him. “Thanks!” I said.

Then I proceeded to put my water bottle down so I could pull the tag off. Just after I said thanks and the man was walking off….he laughed heartily and LOUDLY. As he did that, he asked; “Do you want me to help you take it off???”

I said, “Oh no thank you, that’s OK!”

I noticed a gut reaction came up from a feeling of adrenaline when he walked off laughing…(like, he laughed??? Roarrrr) a visual reaction played in front of my eyes for a millisecond, of me turning to him and sarcastically saying; “Oh it’s funny, is it?”

But some ‘thing’ in my head called me out on my gutlessness. Instead of saying such a nasty thing back to him, I made my body turn to him and forced myself to make eye contact and responded with what I said above (“Oh no thank you, that’s OK!” ) instead.

I spent 10 more minutes working out. In those 10 minutes, my mind and body were feeling and thinking about different things.

My mind was like “Meh just keep going, hold out, look calm…it’s just a freaking tag. No need to feel humiliated.”

Yet, as I had stopped myself barking back a nasty comment to him and surrendered to my slight feeling of embarrassment and humiliation, I realised even though I was thinking so many things; my body was feeling free, because the moment I engaged with this man, and that moment where I looked him in the eye, I was attuned to him and felt HIM.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

I’ll tell you the implications of this in a moment.

But the thoughts in my head going ‘look calm and capable, it’s just a tag’, – all that ‘stuff’? It’s from my past.

It was irrelevant talk to try to mask my vulnerability; to avoid feeling embarrassment. It was in the past. It (the stuff) didn’t have a clue, as the mind often doesn’t when it comes to human emotion.

The mind tries to stop us from surrendering to real relationships, to our gut; our pelvis, and our bodily sensations.

My wide open body though, which was actually ready to actively and vulnerably FEEL embarrassment related to the situation was surprisingly free; because the moment I chose to look him in the eye and engage with this man, rather than recoil out of fear of being vulnerable and feeling my embarrassment was the moment I realised…this is what it’s all about.

Confidence in relationships is vulnerability

This is confidence.

This vulnerability thing, it’s actually what gives us confidence. 

This feels like freedom. This feels like radiance. This is the very definition of success. Anyone can take anything away from us. They can take away our money, our career at the drop of a hat, we can lose jobs, partners, have acid thrown on our pretty faces, have our life collapse right before our eyes…but no one can take away the feeling that we own ourselves; and that we are capable.

You know what I believe capability is?

Capability in our relationships specifically, is vulnerability.

The two Types of vulnerability that are important for healthy relationships

And in this interaction with this man at the gym, if I chose, I was free to be vulnerable in 2 ways and 2 ways that matter to ALL of us:

1) Vulnerable in the sense of I was attuned to him, the man. Not to my ‘head’ which was not the present, it was the past.

2) Vulnerable in feeling exactly what the interaction made me feel.

Every feeling is OK

It’s OK to feel embarrassed. Embarrassment is OK; and not to be resisted. Once I felt it, it was gone. It didn’t keep confronting me.

Rejecting emotion is to assume that we are inhuman; not ‘alive’ – another word for a bitch or a pretentious prick.

But wait, there’s more to this story!

After my initial interaction with this man, I happened to walk over to the drinking tap at the same time as him, and we met again. I took one earphone out, as I smiled at him and he smiled back.

The moment we smiled at each other, he said to me; ‘I’m actually one of the personal trainers here at the gym, I wasn’t trying to hassle you.’

I looked in to his eyes, knowing that what I know of men through my work and study, most decent men don’t at all want to be hassling douche bags…and I said; ‘Oh, I didn’t feel hassled, just embarrassed!’ as I smiled. And he laughed heartily again at my humour about it, and walked off again.

And as he walked off, he said ‘Oh I just saw the tag and thought; she might wanna know about that!’

He wanted to be useful. Okay maybe he wanted to talk to me, even. But he wasn’t trying to be obnoxious. But lets say he was, right? Let’s just pretend for a second that he was meaning to be obnoxious. The way I consciously chose to turn my painful embarrassment into humour completely melted my own fear, and made my vulnerability something joyful. In that moment I realised I created a mature interaction between myself and this man.

Yes I was proud of myself. As someone who grew up feeling embarrassed and self conscious a lot, this was truly a gift from not only my vulnerability, but my conscious awareness of my vulnerability and how to use it well.

(Speaking of vulnerability – do you know what is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

Attunement to a man and to our feelings is vulnerable

As I smiled and filled my bottle up at the tap, I thought; he laughed…and if I wasn’t willing to just ‘be’ with him in that moment, and be wide open, I would have withdrawn, and avoided him (the opposite of vulnerable), and dragged on this feeling of embarrassment by hiding away. Or I would have ignored him or just assumed he was laughing because he was a total loser, getting off on my embarrassing incident.

But because I (hope) I allowed my trembling insides to fully open to this interaction, I suddenly realised that yes, there might have been some very horrible, judgemental people in my past…but being able to feel this man’s heart by allowing myself to relax, I was able to see him for truly who he is.

I felt it. I knew it.

I felt that he was a genuinely good guy who really thought he was helping me out. Wow.

Do you know what I felt in that moment?

It was one of those moments that defined my life from then on. It taught me that being vulnerable is what made me completely strong; and completely capable of having a relationship with a man I wanted, and didn’t have to just ‘settle’ for some half committed man…because I suddenly felt what it was like to allow wide open vulnerability sweep over every cell in my body, my gut, my pelvis…

They say ‘pain is weakness leaving the body’

And do you know when I actually felt weak?

I felt weak shortly after my first interaction with him, where my mind kept telling me to ‘act calm…it’s just a tag’….because that IS weakness.

It was weak and I FELT weak because I was totally resisting being wide open to my feeling of embarrassment, just in that moment. But for the rest of the time…I felt free.

And when I was open to embarrassment, suddenly, it didn’t matter anymore…because my senses were perked then…and because my senses were well, sensitive, as they should be, I could also feel the beauty of gratitude for this man, of relief, of humour, of this man’s happiness for feeling like he helped me…and most of all, I was able to sense him based on who he is in the now, and not judge him based on a dude from my past.

I think in sports they say ‘pain is weakness leaving the body’, well, I believe it’s true of emotions.

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

Why does resisting vulnerability makes us weak?

The reason resisting vulnerability makes us feel weak is because resisting vulnerability is all about being separate from others, and not willing to truly connect, eye-to-eye, and be totally attuned to that person; or be attuned to just people; animals, babies, our children.

United we stand, divided we fall.

We let ourselves fall when we forget that we are a part of something. We are each other. We are all a part of someone, of something, of…things that we can’t even describe.

And we ARE weak when we are invulnerable and unwilling to feel; because people are less likely to relate to us and form strong, loyal, trusting relationships with us.

Interestingly, in an article on scientific American, the author pointed out how humans became so successful at being the dominant species on the planet; ‘surely one important key to our success to date is our unique ability to cooperate in large, well organised groups – at a rate and more expansively than other animals.’

We were made to thrive together; we have just segregated ourselves.

Who do we need when things turn to crap in our life?

We need a man, friends, family, our pets, our children. That’s who.

And who isn’t there when we are trying to avoid our actual feelings?

Well, most people aren’t there.

People can’t get in if they tried.

Sometimes it’s because they themselves hate being around you when you’re vulnerable as it reminds them of their own immortality and lack of control.

A lot of times, it’s because of the way we communicate – ie; we don’t communicate vulnerably. We expect people to read us and know us and just ‘be there’.

Imagine being an 80 year old lady….almost your whole life, your whole existence is behind you….and yet you feel strong and ready for death, because…you’ve surrendered to the inevitability of disintegration. This is strength. And one day, it is ALL we will have, you and I.

Our existence isn’t guaranteed; and wide openness is what is valuable, and makes us high value, and less able to attract douche bags.

Your vulnerability is your strength. In some cases, it’s all you’ve got.

It’s what makes you real, whole, responsive, in tune, capable, and connected and loved, and able to connect with anything and anyone that you want.

It is also what makes you able to feel people’s bad intent, if they do deliberately want to hurt you. It helps you see who really cares. Because your senses become perked to how their actions really make you feel…your gut and your authenticity are able to serve you now.

United we stand, divided we fall.

But we can’t unite and have a sacred relationship without this strength of vulnerability.

Who was the last person whose lack of vulnerability hurt your heart very deeply? 

Who was the last person you connected deeply to? 

And by the way, have you watched our Commitment Masterclass? Click here to register and watch if you haven’t yet.

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P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link

P.P.S.

Have you also dealt with your man pulling away? Do you know how to react if it happens?

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

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Rose
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Rose

Could you please tell the difference between vulnerability and being needy? I struggle a lot with that!!! How to be vulnerable while dating? I like that guy… he was very sweet and now if a sudden he acts flaky! Being vulnerable I would tell him how I feel deep in my body regarding his flakiness. I would like to say from my vulnerability: As we are connecting more and more I start to like you a lot! I really feel good when you are around. I am feeling confused lately when not getting your lovely messages. Is this a good… Read more »

Joëlle
Guest
Joëlle

Thank you so much. For once, you are speaking about men vulnerability. I love my vulnerability, to be honest. My man is a very, very masculine man and a vulnerable person also, he tries to hide it and play it cool. I think we almost never speak about masculine men vulnerability. When they commit, they become very vulnerable, they trust the other one, they can be hurt very easily and they know it. In the feminine magazines, they always speak about men like the assholes who just want to have hookups: sorry but the men I know are not douche… Read more »

Soul
Guest
Soul

Oh gosh, reading this article for the second time seems like a different experience each time. I am questioning who am I actually; who have I been with others; and how am I going to move forward to becoming more authentic. It is only when trying to connect with others now, where feeling less of a need to wear masks, etc , that uncertainty seems to be the answer. When being in a social environment (even with loved ones) I feel so uncertain of myself sometimes and what behaviour appropriateness actually is. If embracing vulnerability is needed for self and… Read more »

Morgan
Guest
Morgan

The last person who’s lack of vulnerability hurt me deeply was my friend’s. I was hurt by the way she was treating me and I tried to tell her, she not only just got defensive with me but she turned it around a starting attacking telling me that I was ruining our friendship with my insecurities and “demons”. I just wanted her to listen to me and see that I was hurt! I wanted an explanation of why she did it and hopefully clarification of her intentions. But I was far from perfect in that interaction, I got very sarcastic… Read more »

Bryce
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Bryce

I cannot make any sense of this. Sorry its just bizzarre?

Christine
Guest
Christine

Renee, Your articles are always so insightful, and have great advice. I’m not a man hater, by any means, but I’ve been disappointed so many times in past relationships, that I just don’t expect much anymore. As women, I think we have a tendency to become what we think the people around us need. In that process we start losing a part of ourselves. Once that relationship is over, we figure out how to get back to our true selves, but it can be work. I’ve figured out that I’m not willing to do that anymore. People either like you… Read more »

Aries
Guest
Aries

I don’t free neither strenght feeling authentic and vulnerable. I feel powerless.. feeling my emotions whatever they are..

Jennifer
Guest
Jennifer

Love your writing. I always feel better after I read your articles. Thank you Renee!

Maelle
Guest
Maelle

Very Good

Ellie
Guest
Ellie

This is the best article on vulnerability! It’s fantastic. It’s so relatable. The term vulnerability isn’t so abstract any more. Thank you for writing for us!

Will
Guest
Will

Vulnerability is the gift of sight. It clears away the fears and insecurities that so often cloud our judgements. The eloquence of Renee’s words are as beautiful as they are simple and informative. I believe many of my male brethren miss how important vulnerability can be. I watch other men exist with their pride, ignorant to the soft underbelly that it protects. Only in times when confident women hone their inner goddess, and leave relationship with the prideful other does the soft underbelly of insecurity become exposed. If I raise the issue of vulnerability with most males I know, a… Read more »

Nes
Guest
Nes

Loved that article. Exactly what I was looking for tonight.
For those struggling (like me) with the topic, here’s a video: Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability (TED talks): https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
Guest
Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

Thank you for posting this video, that was awesome.

Alexandra Orlova
Guest
Alexandra Orlova

So true. Vulnerability is seen as weakness most of the times. My ex-boyfriend was telling me constantly that i am a weak person. I then started thinking about it and realised that he is just a poor soul, there is no love in his heart, neither for me nur for anybody else. And vulnerability is definately a strength because you able to feel and connect with people, not to mention finding your true love.

Niceice
Guest
Niceice

It’s ok to feel embarrassed. Embarrassment is ok; and not to
be resisted. Once I felt it, it was gone. It didn’t keep confronting
me.

Rejecting emotion is to assume that we are inhuman; not ‘alive’ – another word for a bitch or a pretentious prick.

Yeah, you’re totally right!

That’s why I think you’re a total fucking bitch, Renee.

Jessica Wade
Guest
Jessica Wade

I too have lost the ability to be vulnerable. This comes from being ignored or laughed at when voicing my concerns. I was told that I should express my feelings, yet no one is going to take care of me and do everything for myself. My father laughed at me when I expressed how I felt. My husband had told me, “I’m not trying to hear that.” All of these things have caused me to be more masculine, callous, almost cold. I began to feel if no one cares when I feel vulnerable, why care about anyone else when they… Read more »

Julie
Guest
Julie

Thank you so much for the valuable, freeing information you provide. I really, really appreciate it as it allows me to break through long withstanding fears. Thank you. Thank you.

Sophia
Guest
Sophia

Hi Renee! You are truly something I aspire to be very soon! In this case I am the one not allowing myself to be vulnerable. My boyfriend and I have been together now 2 years now and we met and fell for eachother about 4 years back while working together, so I actually can’t believe we’re now a couple, still! Hehe. Two years before him I dated a guy I graduated highschool with and took that relationship so seriously, I put my heart and soul into him, all my energy and all I got in return was an insecure, emotionally… Read more »

LeAnn Gardner
Guest
LeAnn Gardner

It’s actually kind of scary how closely your story reflects my own… I know exactly how you feel. I was with a man for two years who never motivated me, and things ended very badly…. Now I’m with my new man, and it’s been about two years with him and he wants me to be motivated so badly that it’s started several arguments, one of which broke us up for awhile. I struggle with self-doubt almost on a daily basis, and I thought I was being too vulnerable and weak… But this story has given me hope, and shown me… Read more »

Crn
Guest
Crn

I have been following these posts for about 6 mos and have really enjoyed all the work that you, Renee, have put into this site and the email newsletter. I have tried following some of the advice and while it does work for a bit…I see the beginnings of change or a shift in my relationship…something then suddenly derails it. I need help reconciling something and thought some insight from the people here would be helpful: I feel like I have failed my relationship in some way like the submitting to him in a feminine way and recognizing my ex’s… Read more »

Joan
Guest
Joan

Closed off your feminine side? Oh, no. Don’t do that.

You didn’t say how you are responding to such statements he is making. You are vulnerable, it is hurting your feelings. Show him that. I hope this makes sense and I hope it helps.

Crn
Guest
Crn

The comments were a recap of some things that stuck out in my head, It was almost as if doing things, especially ones that would lend to my feminine side, made him feel threatened. Sometimes I would let the comment go. Other times I would speak up…he would either dismiss my being upset or saying “I’m just joking” We ended our relationship on Friday. It was so unbalanced I actually feel like if I tell someone about the things he did…I sound like I am losing it. The small digs, mood swings, set of “rules” for him and another for… Read more »

Joan
Guest
Joan

If you can’t be your authentic self without him feeling threatened then yeah. It must have felt horrible when he was suspicious of you. I have been there and its not easy.

I hope you can still put yourself in the position to date again, they are not all like that. You do have more value to give.

Maggie
Guest
Maggie

You asked if you could become closed off by your husband’s actions or if anyone else had felt their femininity closing off because of their husband’s actions toward them.
I have felt this too. I have been married for 27 years and I feel like I lost that part of myself by feeling not valued and cherished.
I asked him to leave and he did and now he is doing all the things I have always wanted but it is too late as I have lost my love for him.

Bridget
Guest
Bridget

Hi Crm you are in an abusive relationship. Following relationship advice in this situation – including on vulnerability- is not going to help. Men who are emotionally abusive are looking for ways to hurt and diminish you. The only advice here is to get out of the relationship ASAP.

A. Yamina Collins
Guest

Hi, Renee,

As of September 2nd, part of the post just above the “One of ‘Those’ moments” sections seems to be missing. The story seems to start at the mid-way point.

Just wanted to let you know.

Yamina

Tenille
Guest
Tenille

Like another lady on your facebook said, reading the last questions were hard for me. This is such an intense topic. And not everyone really cares whether they are vulnerable or not, which makes being vulnerable myself even harder.

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