How do you “Tell a Man” that you want marriage?
I got Mia’s problem in my mail box recently:
“We have been dating for 3 years, the majority of which were spent long distance. I recently relocated to be with him, and I want him to propose. He seems to be more focused on buying a home for us than a ring. I’m confused because I have told him that one of my goals is to be settled into a home with a family of my own. Part of me thinks this is his way of setting everything up “perfectly” before we get married, but I’m not certain. I’m not sure how to bring this up because I don’t want to pressure him. If I did, I’ll never feel right about the engagement and marriage because I’ll wonder if he only did it to pacify me. I love him, and am very happy being with him. I do not regret moving, and we’ve discussed marriage. He knows that I want to marry him, but I’m beginning to feel impatient.”
Your man will only propose marriage in order to PACIFY you if you try to force him in to marrying you, or you bring up marriage as if it will be a fight to get it on your behalf in the first place.
What if you could have him not do it to ‘pacify’ you and have him do it because he genuinely worshipped you and it hit him that you needed marriage?
I’ve been exactly where you are, and I, too, felt in my body like it was some kind of uncomfortable push to get to marriage..until I figured out the truth about how men work when it comes to marriage.
Here’s the thing: when you’ve spent long enough with a man and you’re starting to feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick unless he proposes or somehow settles down with you…it’s easy to start feeling like there’s some tension or fight in the air to GET to marriage.
This ‘fight’ is the last thing it has to feel like when you want marriage. (See my article on why men don’t want to marry…)
It’s just a woman’s thing to feel this way…because we don’t automatically know how to communicate our need for marriage to a man because we don’t inherently understand how a MALE needs to hear our need, we only know how WE would need to hear it.
This is an example of how communication problems occur between men and women. The key is knowing HOW to make him understand that you want marriage, and know HOW to ask.
You know, I have seen this same problem not only with myself, but I’ve seen it over and over and over (this feeling of impatience and not knowing how to ask for more commitment ie marriage) in so many women across the world from different countries, that I am convinced that we women intuitively GET that men can be put off by marriage.
BUT – they’re put off marriage because of the way the majority of women tend to go about it.
Think about it. How do most women go about asking and getting things?
Well, they PUSH. Take this common example: a woman’s best girl friend has a beautiful engagement ring. She doesn’t have that herself so, she rushes home to tell her man how Sandra her best friend’s fiancee got HER this big fat engagement ring, yet SHE herself has not received such a thing.
No WONDER we worry about pushing a man away when we want to ask him to propose. The problem is NOT that we want more commitment from men, the problem is how we go about asking and expressing our need for more commitment. (Reminds me of this lady who doubted whether her man would EVER propose.)
When you Want a Man to Propose here are the good and bad options for going about it
When we want something from a man, there are two general ways of going about it:
1) Using some kind of indirect or direct force (not physical, though this might happen for some)
2) inspiring it.
How do you think men become inspired to propose marriage to you?
This is easy, now I’ve figured it out after all these years.
They become inspired to propose to you when they feel your genuine NEED for it.
This doesn’t mean you say ‘look, honey, I love you, but I need marriage otherwise I can’t be with you anymore’.
This is a lot better than saying ‘I can’t stay with you any longer unless we get married’…this is, after all, the dreaded ultimatum.
And that is a sign of Low Value. You only need to issue an ultimatum when you don’t have any value to give. An ultimatum is not anywhere near the effectiveness of delivering the message to a man that you need marriage to feel secure and free as a woman.
And, by the way, to the people who are now thinking they can go and tell their boyfriend in words ‘I need marriage to feel secure and free’, you need to understand that THIS is not likely to be 100% effective, because you need a lot more than just a statement with words to encourage a man to do what you need him to do.
Would you be inspired to have sex with a man then and there if he said: ‘I need sex to feel good in the relationship.’ Note…I didn’t say would you be OK with a man saying this to you – you might be ok with it, and that’s GREAT!
But what I SAID, was would it inspire you to have sex with him then and there?? It would if he was irresistibly hot, sexy, and attractive, right? Of course! Because him being irresistibly hot, sexy and attractive is a sign of him being High Value, and that means he’d be adding value to your life. As for an in depth, step by step guide on how to ask for more commitment and how to ask for marriage, this is something I put together for you in the new Commitment Control 2.0.
This idea of getting a man to marry you only needs to be tough if you, like most of us, act under the false assumption in your subconscious that the only way you know how to ask for it or tell him you want it, is by pushing for it or forcing it.
Here are some example of pushing for it (or nagging):
“Honey, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, it’s about time now….!!!”
“Honey, don’t you love me enough to marry me?”
“You don’t love me otherwise you’d marry me”
“All my friends’ boyfriends have proposed, except you…”
And Mia’s idea that her boyfriend might just do it to PACIFY her does NOT come from her BOYFRIEND’s attitude to marriage, it actually comes from HER viewpoint of the situation – and how she feels.
Innately, she feels that it’s difficult to ask for marriage, and doesn’t know HOW to communicate to her man in the way he can hear it best and choose to marry her, and that’s why I want to assure Mia (and you the reader) that there is a better and safer way to ask for more commitment and marriage.
How to make sure he proposes because he WANTS to
If you know how to appeal to a man’s GENUINE need to take care of you, and not feel forever like you cheated yourself and him out of a truly romantic union (because you PUSHED for marriage), you need to appeal to his innate masculine need to take care of you.
Every masculine man can’t help but come forth and take care of a woman who truly, actually needs it. I’m not talking about a bimbo asking for something in a cheap way (though that works for the men who are just after your body or just for a one night stand) – I’m talking about men responding to your genuine need.
So, here is what I suggest you do: Dig in to the real part of you. The part of you that YOU trust. And ask this part of you WHY you want marriage. If you do this, you’ll get closer to the authentic part of you, and if you get to this part of yourself, then you will NATURALLY bring out the authentic desire to marry you in your man.
Getting to Marriage is NOT something you need to go to war for
Marriage is not something you have to go to war for.
If you find you only want marriage because every other woman around you has it and you don’t really need it, but you think you should be married, then you may want to re think why you even WANT him to marry you.
You might be able to be just as happy and feel just as safe with him without being married. The key word here you’ve used is pacify. I mean, parents use pacifiers on babies in order to keep them quiet. We don’t want a man proposing marriage in order just to shut a woman up.
This Woman’s Boyfriend actually already WANTS to give her everything!
A relieving truth: This woman’s man actually wants to give her everything…he seems to be showing that. But Mia’s feminine brain is blinding her to this reality! (As it often can in the feminine mind).
Here is what I mean… Men very, very rarely understand indirect communication. This is unfortunately the mode of communication you’ve used to try to get him to understand your need for marriage.
Here’s how I know – it’s when you said to me:
“I want him to propose. He seems to be more focused on buying a home for us than a ring. I’m confused because I have told him that one of my goals is to be settled into a home with a family of my own.”
This is as indirect a communication you can get. And I LOVE this example right here because men get DIRECT communication, not indirect communication….and he has taken your communication directly, and yet you are confused?!! I can’t help but giggle about this because this is a typical male-female difference and problem.
You’re confused? Don’t be, because he’s buying you a home because that’s what you’ve told him you want. You can’t get any closer to cause and effect in this case. And that’s how the masculine brain works.
He’s also mistaking YOUR communication. He thinks you’re a man, you think he’s a woman. Story of every masculine and feminine couple out there!
You’ve literally told him you wanted a home….and he’s literally gone and got that. Even though what you really mean, deep down, is MARRIAGE.
If you had told him directly that you want to be married, maybe things will be different (depending on the emotional quality of your communication ie: did you say it in frustration, or did you say it from a place of genuine need…) and perhaps he would actually understand that you need marriage.
How my student got her man to marry her in 7 Days (the phrase to use)
Around this time last year, a student of mine contacted me in absolute tears and frustration, because she couldn’t get her man to marry her. She KNEW her man was committed to her, but the problem was that she really wanted marriage but they hadn’t gotten there yet.
After one session with her, and giving her one line to say to her man, she contacted me 7 days later to tell me that they had gotten married. What I got my student to do first, was to figure out why she wanted marriage. (It’s usually the exact same reason for almost all women).
And then I kindly asked her to express er need for marriage to her man in a certain way, using these exact words: “I’m scared…” And the fact is that…that was the exact truth.
Her man could HEAR and FEEL her need for marriage from these words.
So have fun with this information, and all further answers on getting more commitment from a man and making a man WANT to marry you are in my program Commitment Control.
My man also shares his reasons for proposing to me in the program. One of the most important things we teach in this program is things to say and do in order to easily overcome a man’s fear of marriage and commitment.
If you want exact words to use, we have them. We look forward to seeing you in the members area. Also, if you haven’t yet, click here to register to watch the Commitment Masterclass.
To you who is reading this..Don’t ever forget that you’ve come equipped with a feminine nature and you must always become increasingly aware that men think, see, feel, and hear things completely differently to feminine women.
Your frustrations simply come from your biological differences AND not putting the effort in to understand men so that you can get what you want in your relationship.
Understanding men is the simple most rewarding task I’ve ever embarked upon, and a lot of my students of the program Understanding Men feel the same. It simply FEELS good to understand another human being (in the case of men, it’s not just another human being, it’s another SPECIES) 🙂