How do you “Tell a Man” that you want marriage?

I got Mia’s problem in my mail box recently:

“We have been dating for 3 years, the majority of which were spent long distance. I recently relocated to be with him, and I want him to propose. He seems to be more focused on buying a home for us than a ring. I’m confused because I have told him that one of my goals is to be settled into a home with a family of my own. Part of me thinks this is his way of setting everything up “perfectly” before we get married, but I’m not certain. I’m not sure how to bring this up because I don’t want to pressure him. If I did, I’ll never feel right about the engagement and marriage because I’ll wonder if he only did it to pacify me. I love him, and am very happy being with him. I do not regret moving, and we’ve discussed marriage. He knows that I want to marry him, but I’m beginning to feel impatient.”

MY RESPONSE

Hi Mia,

Your man will only propose marriage in order to PACIFY you if you try to force him in to marrying you, or you bring up marriage as if it will be a fight to get it on your behalf in the first place.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Interesting, hey?

What if you could have him not do it to ‘pacify’ you and have him do it because he genuinely worshipped you and it hit him that you needed marriage?

I’ve been exactly where you are, and I, too, felt in my body like it was some kind of uncomfortable push to get to marriage..until I figured out the truth about how men work when it comes to marriage.

Here’s the thing: when you’ve spent long enough with a man and you’re starting to feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick unless he proposes or somehow settles down with you…it’s easy to start feeling like there’s some tension or fight in the air to GET to marriage.

This ‘fight’ is the last thing it has to feel like when you want marriage. (See my article on why men don’t want to marry…)

It’s just a woman’s thing to feel this way…because we don’t automatically know how to communicate our need for marriage to a man because we don’t inherently understand how a MALE needs to hear our need, we only know how WE would need to hear it.

This is an example of how communication problems occur between men and women. The key is knowing HOW to make him understand that you want marriage, and know HOW to ask.

You know, I have seen this same problem not only with myself, but I’ve seen it over and over and over (this feeling of impatience and not knowing how to ask for more commitment ie marriage) in so many women across the world from different countries, that I am convinced that we women intuitively GET that men can be put off by marriage.

BUT – they’re put off marriage because of the way the majority of women tend to go about it.

Think about it. How do most women go about asking and getting things?

Well, they PUSH. Take this common example: a woman’s best girl friend has a beautiful engagement ring. She doesn’t have that herself so, she rushes home to tell her man how Sandra her best friend’s fiancee got HER this big fat engagement ring, yet SHE herself has not received such a thing.

No WONDER we worry about pushing a man away when we want to ask him to propose. The problem is NOT that we want more commitment from men, the problem is how we go about asking and expressing our need for more commitment. (Reminds me of this lady who doubted whether her man would EVER propose.)

When you Want a Man to Propose here are the good and bad options for going about it

When we want something from a man, there are two general ways of going about it:

1) Using some kind of indirect or direct force (not physical, though this might happen for some)

2) inspiring it.

How do you think men become inspired to propose marriage to you?

This is easy, now I’ve figured it out after all these years.

They become inspired to propose to you when they feel your genuine NEED for it.

This doesn’t mean you say ‘look, honey, I love you, but I need marriage otherwise I can’t be with you anymore’.

This is a lot better than saying ‘I can’t stay with you any longer unless we get married’…this is, after all, the dreaded ultimatum.

And that is a sign of Low Value. You only need to issue an ultimatum when you don’t have any value to give. An ultimatum is not anywhere near the effectiveness of delivering the message to a man that you need marriage to feel secure and free as a woman.

And, by the way, to the people who are now thinking they can go and tell their boyfriend in words ‘I need marriage to feel secure and free’, you need to understand that THIS is not likely to be 100% effective, because you need a lot more than just a statement with words to encourage a man to do what you need him to do.

Would you be inspired to have sex with a man then and there if he said: ‘I need sex to feel good in the relationship.’ Note…I didn’t say would you be OK with a man saying this to you – you might be ok with it, and that’s GREAT!

But what I SAID, was would it inspire you to have sex with him then and there?? It would if he was irresistibly hot, sexy, and attractive, right? Of course! Because him being irresistibly hot, sexy and attractive is a sign of him being High Value, and that means he’d be adding value to your life. As for an in depth, step by step guide on how to ask for more commitment and how to ask for marriage, this is something I put together for you in the new Commitment Control 2.0.

Click here to register to watch the Commitment Masterclass, an introduction webinar for the Commitment Control program.

This idea of getting a man to marry you only needs to be tough if you, like most of us, act under the false assumption in your subconscious that the only way you know how to ask for it or tell him you want it, is by pushing for it or forcing it.

Here are some example of pushing for it (or nagging):

“Honey, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, it’s about time now….!!!”

“Honey, don’t you love me enough to marry me?”

“You don’t love me otherwise you’d marry me”

“All my friends’ boyfriends have proposed, except you…”

And Mia’s idea that her boyfriend might just do it to PACIFY her does NOT come from her BOYFRIEND’s attitude to marriage, it actually comes from HER viewpoint of the situation – and how she feels.

Innately, she feels that it’s difficult to ask for marriage, and doesn’t know HOW to communicate to her man in the way he can hear it best and choose to marry her, and that’s why I want to assure Mia (and you the reader) that there is a better and safer way to ask for more commitment and marriage.

How to make sure he proposes because he WANTS to

If you know how to appeal to a man’s GENUINE need to take care of you, and not feel forever like you cheated yourself and him out of a truly romantic union (because you PUSHED for marriage), you need to appeal to his innate masculine need to take care of you.

Every masculine man can’t help but come forth and take care of a woman who truly, actually needs it. I’m not talking about a bimbo asking for something in a cheap way (though that works for the men who are just after your body or just for a one night stand) – I’m talking about men responding to your genuine need.

So, here is what I suggest you do: Dig in to the real part of you. The part of you that YOU trust. And ask this part of you WHY you want marriage. If you do this, you’ll get closer to the authentic part of you, and if you get to this part of yourself, then you will NATURALLY bring out the authentic desire to marry you in your man.

Getting to Marriage is NOT something you need to go to war for

Marriage is not something you have to go to war for.

If you find you only want marriage because every other woman around you has it and you don’t really need it, but you think you should be married, then you may want to re think why you even WANT him to marry you.

You might be able to be just as happy and feel just as safe with him without being married. The key word here you’ve used is pacify. I mean, parents use pacifiers on babies in order to keep them quiet. We don’t want a man proposing marriage in order just to shut a woman up.

This Woman’s Boyfriend actually already WANTS to give her everything!

A relieving truth: This woman’s man actually wants to give her everything…he seems to be showing that. But Mia’s feminine brain is blinding her to this reality! (As it often can in the feminine mind).

Here is what I mean… Men very, very rarely understand indirect communication. This is unfortunately the mode of communication you’ve used to try to get him to understand your need for marriage.

Here’s how I know – it’s when you said to me:

“I want him to propose. He seems to be more focused on buying a home for us than a ring. I’m confused because I have told him that one of my goals is to be settled into a home with a family of my own.”

This is as indirect a communication you can get. And I LOVE this example right here because men get DIRECT communication, not indirect communication….and he has taken your communication directly, and yet you are confused?!! I can’t help but giggle about this because this is a typical male-female difference and problem.

You’re confused? Don’t be, because he’s buying you a home because that’s what you’ve told him you want. You can’t get any closer to cause and effect in this case. And that’s how the masculine brain works.

(Click here to find out more about how men thinks in our program Understanding Men)

He’s also mistaking YOUR communication. He thinks you’re a man, you think he’s a woman. Story of every masculine and feminine couple out there!

You’ve literally told him you wanted a home….and he’s literally gone and got that. Even though what you really mean, deep down, is MARRIAGE.

If you had told him directly that you want to be married, maybe things will be different (depending on the emotional quality of your communication ie: did you say it in frustration, or did you say it from a place of genuine need…) and perhaps he would actually understand that you need marriage.

How my student got her man to marry her in 7 Days (the phrase to use)

Around this time last year, a student of mine contacted me in absolute tears and frustration, because she couldn’t get her man to marry her. She KNEW her man was committed to her, but the problem was that she really wanted marriage but they hadn’t gotten there yet.

After one session with her, and giving her one line to say to her man, she contacted me 7 days later to tell me that they had gotten married. What I got my student to do first, was to figure out why she wanted marriage. (It’s usually the exact same reason for almost all women).

And then I kindly asked her to express er need for marriage to her man in a certain way, using these exact words: “I’m scared…”  And the fact is that…that was the exact truth.

Her man could HEAR and FEEL her need for marriage from these words.

So have fun with this information, and all further answers on getting more commitment from a man and making a man WANT to marry you are in my program Commitment Control.

My man also shares his reasons for proposing to me in the program. One of the most important things we teach in this program is things to say and do in order to easily overcome a man’s fear of marriage and commitment.

If you want exact words to use, we have them. We look forward to seeing you in the members area. Also, if you haven’t yet, click here to register to watch the Commitment Masterclass.

To you who is reading this..Don’t ever forget that you’ve come equipped with a feminine nature and you must always become increasingly aware that men think, see, feel, and hear things completely differently to feminine women.

Your frustrations simply come from your biological differences AND not putting the effort in to understand men so that you can get what you want in your relationship.

Understanding men is the simple most rewarding task I’ve ever embarked upon, and a lot of my students of the program Understanding Men feel the same. It simply FEELS good to understand another human being (in the case of men, it’s not just another human being, it’s another SPECIES) 🙂

Love, Renee.

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Bill SandersTimothy WennersTanya Rachel WieczorekCarolineViki Samoja Recent comment authors
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Bill Sanders
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Bill Sanders

“you need to appeal to his innate masculine need to take care of you.” This is the key… I wish every woman knew how to communicate directly. It would make our job of understanding women alot easier. Renee is teaching women OUR language. I wish her success. However, just because a woman wants/needs security doesn’t mean it’s my job to provide. My masculine nature wants to take care of women and children – especially my own. Unfortunately, there is no sense of reciprocity in today’s women or children, like there was in past generations or other cultures. This is a… Read more »

Timothy Wenners
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Timothy Wenners

We will not marry you.

We know what the stats are. We know how often you initiate divorce. (70%)

Enjoy your cats.

Caroline
Guest
Caroline

I just expressed myself to my boyfriend of a year and a half. I said I’m scared that we may not want the same things. I expressed my feelings of wanting a family and a home. I didn’t blame him at all. I just said how I felt. He said he of course has thought of a future for us and that he loves me and wants to be with me. He said he’s lonely when I’m not around and that he always wants to stay over. But the day after I did that and today, he didn’t really message… Read more »

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
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Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

Caroline, what happened? Has he come back to you in the way he was before? Proposed? Update pls!

Natty
Guest
Natty

Hi Renee, You pin point things very well, so I am sharing my issue with you, in the hope you are some of your more seasoned readers can advise 🙂 I thought I understood this advice but the issue that has comes up shows that I obviously haven’t taken it the right way or far enough. Long story short, I am 28, female and I have been in am LTR for almost 2 years. My bf is 38. He is typically masculine and I feminine in most ways. After 9 months my housing situation fell apart. I started to look… Read more »

Viki Samoja
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Viki Samoja

As you recieved no answer i will give you my oppinion as a man. Marriage is a big deal for a man, even with prenup and stuff it still puts a lot of power over him in the hands of the woman, she may for example start denying him sex, either as a bargining chip or because she no longer feels the need. Also, there are other things that are going trough his mind, unfortunately there are leaches among us, male and female, male leaches come in form of a “pump and dump” guys, sure you know abot them, female… Read more »

Bill Sanders
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Bill Sanders

You are absolutely right. I would NEVER get married again. Marriage confers no benefits to a man – and massive benefits to a woman. Prove your love and maturity by dropping the subject. After all, being happy together is the real goal, right?

Sylvie
Guest
Sylvie

Hi Renee, you keep mentioning in your articles that a man needs to feel the need to take care of a woman. I am having really hard time truly understanding this concept – a man taking care of a woman. There is the polite behavior like opening a door for a woman or paying for dinner. But if a woman is not sick or does not have small children, how can a man take care of a woman in the sense you are talking about? Especially if she makes her own money? I am really sorry, but I am confused.

Viki Samoja
Guest
Viki Samoja

If a woman is true to herself she is often times a small boat in the ocean of emotions, often times she is facing a turmoil of emotions, and a man can be her safe harbor, her anchor, but only if she is open to him, i think that is what Renee is talking about.

Bill Sanders
Guest
Bill Sanders

A man feels the need to take care of a woman instinctively. “you need to appeal to his innate masculine need to take care of you.” This is the key… I wish every woman knew how to communicate directly. It would make our job of understanding women alot easier. Renee is teaching women OUR language. I wish her success.

Brenda Brewer
Guest

Hi Renee!

I do it simply because I LOVE myself enough to trust myself. I know what I want and know that love takes time to grow and I trust that! I say with genuine humility that marriage is what I want when the time is right and I accept th man’s response out of respect for his feelings in the moment. I just plain old TRUST everything. 🙂 the soul sista xoxo

Mia
Guest
Mia

It’s Mia!!

Just wanted to give you all an update.

******drumroll********

We’re engaged!!! He completely caught me by surprise, but I took your advice Renee and let him know about my fears about us. We talked about it, he never confirmed that marriage was coming up, but did stress his commitment to our relationship and building a future with me.

Next thing ya know, he’s down on one knee!!! Apparently he’d planned the entire thing out and involved my family in the surprise. It was amazing! Thank you soooooo much!

unknown k
Guest

Hey Renee! I’ve recently been very confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m 18 and he’s 23. We’ve been together for over a year now and had sex. It’s a long distance relationship and we’ve met once and planning to meet again to spend some time with each other. We brought up marriage but he’s told me that he wants to wait and settle down with his job first and that he loves me but he just wants me to give him some time. I’m fine with that, but when I meet him again I don’t want to have… Read more »

Sue Pratt
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Sue Pratt

How do I email you? What is your email address. please. Facebook is very diificult for me. I want to ask you something about your classes. How do I do it?

Tiff
Guest
Tiff

Is simply *asking* a man, without pushing, if he sees marriage down the line with you a bad idea? Or asking him his views on marriage in general?
Or does that make you look desperate and goes against the idea of “inspiring” it?

Kailey
Guest
Kailey

Hi Renee, This is SO weird because I had this conversation with my boyfriend yesterday. We are graduating college and he has recieved a job in a location that i will not go without a ring–with that said, i will go to some close city if i know that he has the intention of us ending up together. We are only 21 –so its not that I want MARRIAGE now, but that I want him to want marriage with me in the next couple of years…we have been dating 2 and a half years and although he is the sweetest… Read more »

GIA LEE
Guest
GIA LEE

Hey Renee, Thanks for this inspiring article. in currently dating a guy whose only interest in the relationship is sex. We have been dating for 6 months now and each time we are together,all he talks about is sex n how he longs to have it with me. He even told me that sex will be the only prove that I love him and that he can’t marry any girl he hasn’t slept with. Renee, I love this guy with every fibre in me(which he knows), but in scared that sex is all he wants from me and I might… Read more »

camy
Guest
camy

Hi, Renee. Why some men love children and some men don’t ? Can this be triggered in a man ?

Anne
Guest
Anne

If he loves you he will stay with out sex,in a mans mind sex is not love.Also if you’ve already told him no to sex,and then have sex anyways he will lose alot of respect for you,for giving in so easily,after saying no.

Anna
Guest
Anna

Last weekend my man and I were reading an article on a baby that did not survive. He seemed surprised, yet I did not. I told him that human babies need A LOT of care to survive, and that the woman NEEDS the man there to help protect her and her babies, and to take care of them. I told him that’s why women get needy sometimes, and need the security of knowing their man will be there; it’s just to help us survive. He stared at me for what seemed like minutes and I could see a lightbulb go… Read more »

Sara
Guest
Sara

Thanks Renee. I love this article. I’m actually hoping my boyfriend will propose soon. I do have one comment though. Being vulnerable and truthfully communicating your fears to your man in a way that he understands and that makes him want to take care of you in this way ie marriage, will probably work. However, I also know that he may not propose within days of this. We still have to be patient. This truth you speak of is not a magic wand to get us a proposal when we feel like it. We still have to be mature and… Read more »

V
Guest
V

Hi Renee,

I have read lots of your articles and I found it helpful. I would like to ask about Commitment Control Program, how I should register? I am from Malaysia.

Okay, back to this topic. I think this speaks my mind. I have bunch of friends who will be getting married this year and guess what, just saw one of their proposal videos. It was so sweet and deep down in my heart, I wish he will do the same to me too. (I think I am insane now ).

Mona
Guest
Mona

Very inspiring as usual.
Just wondering how to awaken the need in a man to take care of a woman without being needy ( which apparently causes the exact opposite, i.e. to withdraw.)
Take care of your girls 😉

camy
Guest
camy

Dear Renee, my heart is full of joy sinse i “met” you…You inpire my soul…I read every article with an agenda in my hand…I take notes and meditate about what you meant…
You once said, in one article that :’compassion is not for another person, is for ourselves’…I don’t think i really understand it…or feel it…Can you hep me with that?

T.R.
Guest
T.R.

I love this and needed this and it couldn’t have been more TIMELY. Just got into a huge disagreement with my mom who thought it her job to convince me that I should use manipulation and withhold sex to quote: “Give him a reason to marry you.” I’m familiar with her logic as it she and others programmed it in my mind since being a young girl: the whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” line. Its something I accepted as TRUTH for a long time without question…that is until I grew up, came… Read more »

Jasmin
Guest
Jasmin

Your mom may have said it In a tactless way, but IMO, she is right, not about witholding sex, that’s wrong. But…IMO a month is way too long to spend with a man without a ring and a date. So far, you only have words from your man without much action. One of the most difficult life lessons I have learned is to pay attention to what men DO, not want they say. It is not trickery and manipulation to limit being so accommodating. It is about having boundaries and not yet settling for less than you are worth. Many… Read more »

Donna
Guest
Donna

Thanks for this article, Renee. I really appreciate you taking the time away from your family to write this for us, I found it very helpful – I’m not in the stage of my relationship where I want marriage, but I still think that your advice about getting in touch with my authentic side is really valuable. Just one question – when you say that you told your student to say “I’m scared” to her partner, what exactly was she doing? Was she telling him she was scared because she felt they weren’t moving into a place in the relationship… Read more »

Anna
Guest
Anna

Scared that they weren’t moving to a place in the relationship that she wanted to be? I get scared of that often…. but then when the fear comes in, I become more insecure and I can’t tell him this. But when I’m secure, I don’t feel the need to push for marriage because I feel he’ll do it in his own time. Even though he is scared too. There’s a strange push-pull that I hope will someday lead to marriage, when we both give ourselves room to grow more in our lives. I’m still trying to connect with myself the… Read more »

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