Have you ever thought, ‘If I can avoid feeling pain, why shouldn’t I?’
Or even thought , ‘Why feel pain if you don’t have to?’
You don’t have to, really. It is our personal choice. In fact, we as humans naturally have a drive to prefer comfort over pain.
Most of us in the world spend our lives striving for comfort – that’s physical and emotional comfort, rather than striving for anything more or less.
That’s a great thing, we need periods of comfort in our lives… however, when we become fearless to pain, and perhaps even surrender to it, our lives become just a little more infinite, and our relationships benefit greatly.
Pain Serves Us In A Way That Nothing Else Could.
Disclaimer: if you are frustrated by people who bemoan their pain and problems and act like ‘woe is me’ – I get you.
Those people is not what this article is about. And our annoyance at those people can make us out of balance and out of touch with the people who share pain openly, without trying to be an attention suck.
There’s a difference between these two types of people.
Whilst there are severe pains in our lives that really don’t go away, but instead, possibly get less intense over time (like losing a child, or a parent), there are many reasons why I believe pain is necessary to be felt.
Here are some 10 reasons to choose to feel your pain and share your pain.
(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)
Without further ado, here are the 10 reasons why we should feel and share our pain.
Reason 1: Feeling Our Pain Makes Us Alive.
Anything we do to dull the pain dulls our sensitivity to sensations and then dulls the pleasure on the other side after feeling the pain, too. Ever heard John Mellencamp’s ‘Hurts so Good’?
Surrender to your pain and cry and hurt, and somewhere on the other side, even if months later, your body feels good. There’s no choice. The alternative is living like a robot.
I am no expert, but I believe that our bodies are always trying to keep ourselves to an equilibrium. I know that when we genuinely feel our own pain, at some point, pleasure sets in. It’s physiological.
I say all of this because I have seen so many of my women clients agree with me and vouch for feeling their pain. Of course, I’ve seen and felt the impermanence of pain myself.
When we feel it, it eventually lessens and we get the reward of greater sensitivity to pleasure simply because we were open to pain.
Reason 2: Avoidance Of Pain Leads To Mediocrity
If we don’t let ourselves be open to feeling pain or even fear, what we are doing is choosing mediocrity.
Because people who don’t want to take any responsibility, usually try to escape. They escape their own emotions, they escape other people’s emotions, just so that they have less to deal with.
Instead of relying on themselves and their own body to calibrate their emotions, instead of trusting that process of regulation, they block it out or rely on something or someone else to give them the illusion of comfort.
Mediocrity to me is a constant search for comfort. Comfort is good…but it comes at a big price. A price we usually may not realise we have paid until it is too late.
Think of it like this. You make a new friend whom you really like. And as happens in all good friendships, somewhere down the line, a conflict comes up.
And for fear of the discomfort of the risk of losing that new friend, you avoid thinking about and considering how to deal with it and instead you pretend it’s not there.
Of course, what we resist persists…so the underlying conflict comes up again.
Until one day, we’ve spent so long avoiding the discomfort that the friendship is ruined altogether.
What could the alternative have been? Well there could have been a few courses of action depending on your actual circumstance.
One alternative could be considering how to approach the conflict in the friendship whilst honouring your feelings as well as your friend’s feelings.
It might have been difficult to go through…but instead of going for comfort and the safety of not opening yourself up to the risk of losing your friend, you get the opportunity to build a deeper connection, a stronger friendship and loyalty (leading to an infinite life over a comfortable life).
I’m just saying…the potential outcome is more ecstatic than the mediocrity that comes with avoiding discomfort.
Reason 3: Pain Brings Out Your Femininity.
Feeling and sharing our pain – it brings out your feminine energy.
What if you were to travel out in to the ocean on a little boat and say to the ocean; ‘hey dear, stay calm, like you were yesterday?’
The ocean wouldn’t listen. And neither should you if your feelings are strong enough. They’re strong because they’re demanding to be honoured as a part of who you are, and they demand to be felt.
What we resist, persists.
Ever felt like if you started crying, you’d never stop?
I think we all know what that feels like…
That happens when we avoid the pain of crying and opening to emotion for too long.
But this doesn’t mean that it is a bad thing. It’s actually the beginning of you emotionally calibrating. It’s you becoming more balanced and less weighed down.
Remember: when we resist emotions, especially pain long enough, we risk it coming out disproportionately to the current situation.
No matter how calm, the ocean always changes its mood. No matter how unforgiving, ruthless and destructive its waves are, the ocean always calms.
This is feminine energy. It’s how it’s meant to be.
If we deny our biological changes in feelings that accumulate in our belly and our heart…it hurts.
We store up so much emotion that by the time we express it, it comes out as abuse to the nearest unsuspecting person. Unfortunately – it’s usually the ones we love. Because they are the safest.
Reason 4: Surrendering To Pain Helps You De-Stress.
For example: Crying helps to keep you healthy. (Who would have thought?!)
So there you go. Your body is telling you all by itself to feel authentically. Because it needs you to do so.
Reason 5: Pain Helps You Do The Thing That Matters – Which Is Emotional Growth.
When we try to show we are doing well by thinking positive often what we’re really doing is trying to fit in with others by trying to be more ‘manageable’.
In order to avoid people hating us (or to avoid losing friends) for having pain, we keep the world as it is (status quo).
Yet by doing this, we don’t grow as a person.
Growth comes when we have the courage to not endure (endure implies that we suppressed it), but instead FEEL the pain, be fully alive and receptive to the pain.
And this is a daily practice to be open to pain at various moments in the day, and not to lie to ourselves.
Reason 6: Avoiding Pain Makes Us Boring.
Because habitually not feeling pain makes us boring.
Here’s an article I wrote on What Makes A Woman Boring & How Not To Be Boring To Men.
Why would it makes us boring?
Because when you avoid pain, it becomes impossible for you to relate to a man (or to friends) on a multidimensional level!
At the end of the day, just by living, we are singing up to feel pain. Avoiding it doesn’t push it away forever. It only makes all our relationships more superficial.
Reason 7: Avoiding Pain Causes Distrust.
Because pushing our pains down and making them wrong makes others feel like they can’t trust us nor be close to us.
You know those always bubbly, cheery women that you’ve met?
The ones you may be fond of in a superficial way, but you know you can’t call on them when something is upsetting you?
These are the people you cannot cont on because they feel it’s wrong to acknowledge their own pain – so how could they ever deal with yours?
They make having trusting, lasting friendships difficult because there’s nothing to relate to; they’ve blocked out all that makes them human.
Not only that, but a woman who is always surface does not feel real to men. She’d feel more like a robot, someone they can’t trust, because she’s hiding things.
This is really simple. If we judge ourselves for having vulnerability (feeling our pain), then we judge it in others because we perceive it as something bad.
By judging this in ourselves and in others, we are already pushing them away, being less open and acting less like a trustable ‘friend’.
This tension will be felt. If someone openly shares a part of themselves and they feel like it is being rejected by us, then we run the risk of them not feeling comfortable with us in the future.
When we are more connected to our pain, then it builds trust. Eg; if you tell me everything GOOD about your life, but you won’t share your let downs and your hurts and pains, then I can’t fully trust you. Because you’re not risking anything.
So it’s like this:
‘If you aren’t willing to risk me judging you, if you don’t risk me hating you, if you don’t risk us experiencing relational conflict, I can’t FULLY trust you. I might trust you a little intellectually. But not on a gut level.’
Trust isn’t intellectual. It’s very much felt in our bodies, and sometimes it’s simply a gut level feeling, isn’t it?
Tell me if it isn’t true for you.
This study showed the importance of having empathy for a partner’s negative emotions. Having empathy for another’s negative emotions positively related to relationship quality.
They also found that having empathy for another’s positive emotions is at least as important.
But how can we have REAL empathy for another’s joy if we cannot allow ourselves the gift of feeling and sharing our own pain?
If we don’t handle our own pain, we can’t handle the pain of others.
And if we cannot handle (empathise) with the pain of others, then we equally could not handle their joy, because we were never genuinely connected and attuned to them in the first place!
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Reason 8: Sharing Pain Creates Deep Bonds.
Because sharing our pain and feeling it openly (without doing it just to hoard attention) creates deeper, stronger and more lasting bonds.
How are strong and close bonds created?
Hint: not in the good times. They are created in the bad times.
These participants asked each other questions such as ‘when was the last time you cried in front of someone else?’
Reason 9: You Become More Courageous By Feeling Your Pain.
Feeling our pain is a courageous thing to do, and you can congratulate yourself for allowing yourself to be open rather than closed like so many others out there.
It’s a good thing, and it’s something you should be proud of yourself for. Courage is a label I feel we all would like to identify ourselves with.
If you cannot face your own pain, then how would you have the courage to face anything important in life?
How would you ever have the courage to stand up for yourself or your family?
Reason 10: Pain Helps Us Become One With The World.
Feeling pain, our own, and other people’s pain makes us more connected to other humans.
Here’s an article I wrote on How To Connect Emotionally With Men.
Disconnection from pain means disconnection from humans, animals…the earth – whatever you want to be connected with in your heart.
What do you think is the BIGGEST benefit from feeling your pain? Do you regret not feeling your pain more?
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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