When a guy suddenly goes cold on you or acts distant all of a sudden, there could be a few things going on.
How you should interpret this and what you should do as a response to him depends on the primary reason why he has gone cold.
We’ll discuss later in this article the 5 steps you need to take when a man goes cold on you.
In the meantime, here are 7 possible reasons why a man has suddenly gone cold on you.
Why do guys go hot and cold?
- He could be hot when he wants sex from you, and cold when he doesn’t want to invest more in the relationship with you (and he feels you wanting more investment).
- He could be pulling away. See this article on why men pull away & how to deal with it as a high value woman.
- He could be hot and cold because he’s a moody guy.
- It could be because you’re his rebound girl. And if you suspect this is the case, then you need to know that rebound relationships aren’t based on real emotional attraction. They’re a shell version of a real romantic relationship where two people fall in love.
There are 5 classic stages of a rebound relationship, and men will most likely go hot and cold during what we call the ‘comparison’ stage. Learn more about rebound relationship stages here.
- He could have insecure attachment patterns.
Specifically, he could have avoidant attachment, anxious attachment or even disorganised attachment patterns. Going hot and cold is common among those who have a disorganized attachment style (also known as fearful avoidant).
If you suspect this could be your guy, read this guide on dating and disorganized attachment: 5 Signs & FAQ.
- You could FEEL him as hot and cold (because you’re a woman). This is because his swinging the pendulum between close and distant doesn’t feel ‘normal’ to you. It’s not what you would do as a woman.
However, it’s what he would do as a man. Because men need to ‘re adjust’ (get their bearings back) after being intimate in a relationship with a woman, and get back to their masculine core.
Men can’t be men if they’re always focused on being intimate, chatting, getting closer, talking and relating emotionally. They can only do that for so long before they have to pull away (or you may see it as him going cold).
To help you understand further, here’s an article on the 5 things every woman ought to know about men.
- It could simply be the natural course of events that occur in many man/woman relationships. It is normal and natural for any man to pull away at some point as your relationship gets deeper and closer.
If this is the case, then his distance may be a normal part of him being a guy, and he will come back soon enough.
Let’s discuss why this is happening to you and and what is going on when a guy suddenly goes cold on you.
What does it mean when a guy is hot and cold?
It means that he acts warm and loving towards you one minute, and then he pulls away, creating distance and disconnects with you the next.
He is overall inconsistent in the way he approaches the relationship with you, and it signifies that perhaps he isn’t as committed as you deserve.
Why would he be distant when everything seemed to be going well?
At the beginning, he comes on strong. He pursues you relentlessly, buys you gifts, compliments you, plans dates and outings, and makes an effort to make you feel special.
Then, weeks or months down the track, it stops. He pulls away.
He stops complimenting you and starts to seem distant. He says he’s ‘too busy’ or ‘under a lot of stress’, he stops planning things and even becomes more passive. Perhaps he’s said that he’s not sure about his feelings for you, and goes hot and cold.
Now, this is not the path every man/woman relationship always takes, but it is certainly the same path many women have had to go through.
When a different part of him surfaces…
You probably feel confused, unloved, ‘duped’, and you probably have other men who are willing to give you attention, right?
So why does this man – whom things were so great with at the beginning – suddenly seem like a completely different person?
Well, it’s partly because he has become a different person, and so have you.
Here is what happened…
When we are in lust, or even when we fall in love at the beginning of a relationship, our instincts are at work.
What is at work is a primitive part of the brain, a part that some call the ‘lizard brain’.
This is the part of the brain that is in every living creature, of course, reptiles included. It’s there to help us survive. Survival is paramount, for this part of our brain, and so is procreation and baby making.
When you are very attracted to someone at the beginning, you (and them) subconsciously put out the ‘best’ parts of yourself, whether you like it or not.
At this stage, you are driven by your instincts. At this stage, the man claims he loves babies, children and prams.
And the woman is crazy about the man, is super warm towards him, she wants sex a lot, and is far easier to make happy.
(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)
What happens when a man & a woman first get together?
Here’s an interesting conclusion from a recent study:
When men fall in love, their testosterone levels lower. However, when women fall in love, their testosterone levels are increased (creating more equal testosterone levels in the man and the woman).
Because of this, at this early stage of the relationship, men and women differ far less than they normally would in their behaviour and interactions.
So what does this tell you?
It tells you that after a few weeks or months, even 3-9 months, your instincts aren’t such a strong driving force anymore. Instead the other parts of your personality, as well as the other parts of your man, start to surface.
We aren’t putting on our best show anymore. Not only that, but because your behaviour and your biochemistry starts to become more and more different after the initial period, he starts to meet a resistance (which I will talk more about below).
We might like to think that we can control this kind of thing, and not be ‘phony’ at the start. Yet, a lot of the workings of the lizard brain occur without us having any control over it.
You are not always in control of your future with a man, but you can influence it
I’ll give you an example.
Have you ever promised yourself you would NEVER do something EVER again?
Like, say, never lose your temper with your man again, or never eat a chocolate candy bar again, and then….ultimately, you do?
And after you do it, you think “hang on, what am I doing? Didn’t I promise myself I wasn’t going to do that?!!”
Of course, you have!
We all have.
This is the subconscious part of your brain simply going for what feels great in the moment. Kind of like getting a quick fix in the moment of an emotional difficulty.
How & why a man’s behaviour changes after spending some months with you
So what happens is that over time, in your relationship with a man, even though things seem so great in the beginning, over time, things change.
Your instincts are no longer such an enormous drive (of course, your instincts still drive you a lot, just less so than when you were first driven by intense lust, sexual opportunity and novelty).
It becomes much harder for the man to make the woman happy. You become far less easy to make happy.
It’s harder for him to WIN with you.
At least it feels that way to him because now you’ve got reality to deal with.
Now you are both seeing the other parts of each other. Not just the ‘Mr. Perfect’ you saw at the beginning and not just the ‘Little Miss Perfect’ YOU!
Because NOW, it’s not new anymore, maybe those feel-good brain chemicals are not running like mad. And now you actually have to work at it. Which is a hard reality to deal with, for many.
Even if you truly have good intentions, and want to work on something, it’s hard to know what to do.
And it’s hard for a man to know what to do!
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
If he can’t ‘win’ with you, it can make a man withdraw
Since a man wants to make you happy (this need is at the core of him), this is like a blow to the guts for many men.
And they may get confused, withdraw, and start to feel less inclined to take things to the next level. Partly because they are not being made to feel like a man anymore.
And if he doesn’t feel like he was able to please you, or if he didn’t feel like he was enough for you – he will feel hurt.
This is hard for a man to take.
If a man feels like he’s not able to make you happy, or if he’s afraid you will be impossible to make happy – he’s going to pull away, get confused, or even leave, or run hot and cold.
Even if he genuinely loves you.
He’s probably had past experiences with women where he was hurt. We’ve all been hurt in an intimate relationship before, and he’s just a bit scared. Not willing to admit it, but scared nonetheless.
(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)
Men “have to” come on strong
See, if a man really desires you OR if he is falling in love with you, he HAS to come on strong.
It’s part of how nature works. He wouldn’t secure a mate or pass on his genes otherwise. This is how it works in the animal kingdom, and it still works similar to us humans, even though men have become a lot more passive in this modern era.
So, he has to come on strong to get sex from you or to form a bond with you.
Regardless of whether or not he is in love with you. Here are 5 unusal signs a man is falling in love.
Yes, I said regardless of whether or not he is in love with you.
See, men will come on strong whether they are interested in casual sex with you, or whether they want to commit deeper with you. On a primal level, this helps him to secure you as a mate, and it leads, hopefully, to procreation and babies.
As a woman, it’s not always easy to tell the difference between a man coming on strong because he is truly feeling a romantic bond with you, and a man who is coming on strong because he just wants sex.
This is why there are 3 GOOD Reasons Why You Need to be Worried when he Comes on Strong.
Regardless of whether you like the idea of men coming on strong in the beginning, it has its benefits for evolution.
Remember that you and I wouldn’t be here right now, if our male ancestors didn’t make their moves and pursue females strongly.
So even though you feel hurt, and you’re scared of losing him, remember and try to appreciate that men have their masculine meanings and masculine biases when dating you, a woman with a feminine bias.
Regardless of whether you think he’s being a moody bi*ch because he’s blowing hot and cold, or perhaps you feel like you’ve done something wrong.
It’s actually just a necessary part of the natural cycle of your relationship.
Now – back to what I said above about reality setting in.
Reality sets in for both of you after the initial period, and what happens is the man then feels some resistance.
Meeting the resistance
If you are a member of our program Commitment Control, you would already be aware of what commitment resistance is, and how to overcome commitment resistance in a man.
However, just for now, all you need to know is this:
A man usually meets resistance at some point in time in the relationship with you, which really just means he meets his own fears and conflicts.
This is where YOU come in, and where what you do as a woman, in your relationship with him (or any future man for that matter) is absolutely crucial.
Not all men are commitment ready. Take this quiz and see if your man is commitment friendly and commitment ready.
Men & women & their differences
The point is that men and women are completely different. I know we live in a world where we are encouraged to think that men and women aren’t different.
But that’s just propaganda trying to override our instincts.
Sure, in some ways, men and women really aren’t that different!
But when it comes to our reproductive agendas, men and women act very differently in dating (and even when in established relationships).
If you want to stop your man from running hot and cold, you need to understand how men think, what they value, and how men work.
Men and women even use different parts of their brains more than the other sex.
In order for you to get the best out of your guy, you need to understand what is truly valuable to men. You’ll need to understand what makes you a woman of value to men.
You need to understand how to become that valuable woman he’s going to long for, the woman he misses badly and wants to commit to for the rest of his life.
And if your man is running hot and cold, or if you have dated a few men that have all run hot and cold, listen up.
If you don’t know what to do to stop him running hot and cold – you’re going to end up feeling rejected, hurt and perhaps even humiliated.
You may also end up feeling attached to a man who is just wasting your precious time and youth, which is incredibly important to us as women.
(If you want to know whether he’s really serious about you or just stringing you along, here are 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.)
We’re all here for a limited time only, right? We don’t have a lifetime to waste.
So the longer you go without understanding men and not knowing how to deal with him pulling away after coming on so strong, then the more of your own time you waste.
(And of course, the more pain you experience in your relationships.)
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)
What makes a man commit to you
Remember that a man will commit to you when he subconsciously and consciously feels that you are a valuable woman to him.
Most of us want a lifelong mate who is high quality, so you can’t blame him for that.
Many men have commitment resistance, but if you know how to overcome it – it never needs to happen again in your relationship.
It’s not hard to get a man to want to devote himself to you…
This happens when you make him feel like you are the right woman. When he feels like you’re the right woman, everything else falls into place.
What is the right woman? She is the one and only woman (not the one of many woman!).
She is a woman who actually understands men, unlike nearly all women out there who don’t understand men at all.
The path to a long-term relationship is different for men
If you’re thinking this all just sounds like men want everything to be easy, and won’t ‘man up’ and stick things through, I understand.
It really does seem to be the truth when you look at it initially. But when you get a little understanding of how men work, you realize that your perceptions are not 100% true.
They are true to you as a woman, but not really true from a man’s perspective. There are really good reasons why men don’t put more “effort” into the relationship with you.
See, for you as a woman, attachment will often feel completely natural.
You want to go further, take things further, get a man to open up, and maybe create a future together.
Men want this, too.
However, men work differently to women. So they need to feel a different thing to what you feel in order to want to be with you all the time, and be deeply committed to you.
They take a slightly different path to you as a woman. You’d be amazed what you’d find if you look into a woman’s relationship timeline versus a man’s relationship timeline.
Before he will be willing to step up to the plate and continue with the deep connection you had in the beginning, he needs to feel like a man with you.
Remember the research I talked about above? About how when a man falls in love, his testosterone levels actually lower?
Well, as a general rule, being connected to you and being in relationship with you (a woman) for an extended time, doesn’t really make him feel like a man, at his core.
Yes, being with a feminine woman CAN make a man feel like a man, and naturally would.
Yet, talking with you, having intimate conversations with you, engaging in loving exchanges with you over and over for a very long time can feel like suffocation to a man, when he hasn’t had a chance to re-group.
(Especially when he’s already under stress.)
CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
He needs to feel like a man first
In fact, the need to feel like a man is like SURVIVAL to a man. What has he got, as a man, if he doesn’t feel like a man?
And the same with you. Think about it. If you’re truly feminine inside, what does life feel like if you don’t feel like a woman – radiant, beautiful, connected, loved and loving, free, and expressive?
Crap. It feels like crap.
This is why women go spend thousands and thousands of dollars on things that will enhance their looks.
Because inside, they want to feel radiant, they want to be noticed, and appreciated, and they want their beauty to be appreciated. All these things are part of feeling like a WOMAN.
The same goes for men – men will do crazy things to just feel like a man.
Get addicted to golf. Go to war for seemingly unwarranted reasons (at least to a woman anyway). Go quiet and hide away in their man cave. Not call you for several days.
See, we women frown upon this. But there’s always another side of the coin.
For example, men often get hurt and frustrated by us spending hoards of money on what they would deem to be pointless things.
Such as new dresses or mugs (when we already have 50 at home). New shoes (when we already have 256 pairs in the cupboard) – it’s pointless to men.
I am not saying the above behaviours I’ve described are GOOD behaviours.
I’m certainly not saying they are sustainable ways to feel like a man or a woman.
So – what’s my point? My point is that if your man is pulling away from the relationship, he is pulling away so that he can feel like a man.
What he does may be selfish, it may hurt you like hell, and you may not LIKE it. However, at the bottom of it all, he just wants to feel like a man.
All the better if YOU happen to be that feminine woman who makes him feel like a man.
(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)
What to do if he has come on strong & is now going hot and cold.
So if right now your man seems to be running hot and cold and pulling away, and you feel scared, taken for granted or confused, here are the 5 action steps you can take.
Step 1) Work out if he is SERIOUS about you, or just “interested”.
The first thing I recommend that you do moving forward, is to get some clarity and understanding of his intent towards you.
Work out whether he is actually serious about you, or if he is just “interested”. There’s a huge difference between what a man is willing to do for you and with you, when he’s serious about you, versus when he’s just interested.
I have an article to help you work out whether he IS serious about you or just interested right here: Is He Serious About You or Just “Interested”?
Step 2) Acknowledge that a man will pull away at some point in the relationship.
Men have evolved over millions of years to be hunters! To bring home food, to kill beasts, and to work in a group with their comrades to achieve a result. Ie: kill the food, and bring it home.
Men are not originally made to have their default mode of operation be to actively seek out long-term relationships with women.
Men’s default operation was set to seek out procreation, have sex and pass on his genes in to tomorrow. (That is the first layer of truth to this.)
Don’t fret just yet! There’s something much more positive to this. And that is that we as humans were made to pair bond, too.
In fact, we are pair bonding machines! However. And here’s the big however. Men will only seek out relationship with the woman they see as the right woman.
So the fact that he’s wired to seek out sex by default, is not necessarily bad for you.
See, none of this means he’s not going to be in a relationship with you and nor does it mean he CAN’T be. Of course he can.
It’s just that you have to fulfil what his base level need is FIRST. Which is to feel like a man and see you as the ‘right’ woman (which is the one and only woman. Not the one of many woman.) You need do to this so that he feels safe to progress with you.
His pulling away doesn’t mean you’ve done something ‘wrong’
Once you acknowledge that his pulling away doesn’t mean you’ve done anything ‘wrong’, you can feel more free.
It’s not really you, it’s him wanting to feel free (feel like a man), to meet his own needs first.
Perhaps he wants to take a short breather or break from the relationship. That’s not always bad. It can give him an opportunity to miss you badly.
Once you’ve got this space between yourself and a man, and you acknowledge that his pulling away is just trying to meet his own needs, then you can then proceed to free yourself from suffering.
You can free yourself from feeling rejected, to then get in a better emotional state so that you can work from a position of power to make the relationship (or your future relationships) better.
This will allow you to give him space. Give him time. He needs it to re-charge and to feel like a man again.
Give him the space and time he needs. This is going to begin the process of getting him to associate you with the feeling of being able to be feel like a man.
Step 3) Take out a piece of paper & write down every single thing you are afraid of.
Are you afraid of not being good enough for him? Are you afraid he is going to go back to his ex? Are you afraid he doesn’t love you? Or that he’s cheating on you?
Write down everything you fear (write each fear beneath the other so you have space for the next part of the exercise). Write down everything.
And just when you think you’ve got everything, write down a few more things you fear. Keep writing until you’ve got nothing left.
Step 4) Write down a new meaning next to your fears.
Now look at your list. There’s a lot of fears, aren’t there?
Now, next to each fear you have listed – write down a new meaning for that fear.
For example. Say you fear that he doesn’t love you and will reject you again. Your new meaning could be (my new meaning would be):
“I cannot be rejected. Even if a man rejects my love, I have infinite love inside of me. And even when I do feel rejected, I can still love, because I am a feminine woman who is full of love.
No-one can TRULY reject me, they can only show me that I am not the right woman for them. I am only rejected if I BELIEVE people are rejecting me.”
Say you fear that you are not as good as his ex-girlfriend. Your new meaning would be, instead of: ‘oh I could never compare to his ex girlfriend because he’s so obsessed over her.’ Your new meaning could be:
Step 5) Every time you feel the old fears coming up, read over your new meanings again.
From these new meanings you give to your fears, you will be able to increase your value and make him realize your value as a woman, because you won’t be doing things from a place of desperation or neediness.
When you do things from a place of desperation or neediness, you end up just extracting value from a man’s life, rather than adding value.
And it doesn’t matter whether you end up with this man or not. What matters is that you have this understanding and this strength inside of yourself to become a better lover. For yourself (so that you can attract that fulfilling relationship), and for your current man or your future man.
An important point to note: when you give a man space, and you do the steps I’ve given you above, you’ll notice a difference in your own energy.
When you work on yourself and work from your newfound understanding of men, you’ll notice that he will be more likely to call you first and ask how you are.
He will feel your presence differently
And not only that, if he’s the right man for you, he may want to make plans to see YOU, because he feels your presence differently.
You start to go from feeling like more of a burden to him to feeling like more of an excitement and a ‘drug’ for him.
Just remember that giving a man space doesn’t guarantee that he’ll see you as his one and only. Even if men come back to you still need to test them, and feel their intent.
If you would like to know how to test your man, I’ve got a great article which shows you exactly how you can test your man here.
I’ve also got ONE thing you can text him to capture his attention, trigger his curiosity, and make him hang onto every word you say. This will give you the opportunity to test how serious he is about you. Find out what that ONE thing you can text him is here.
Frequently Asked Questions On Why Men Go Hot And Cold
Why Do Guys Act Cold When They Like You?
If you’re just dating (or not even dating yet), guys will act cold in order to look cool and to avoid coming across as needy. It’s a way for a guy to remain in control.
The masculine men of the world don’t like to lose control, and nor do they like to lose the appearance of status, especially among women. If he lost either of these two things, then he would no longer feel like a man.
How Do You Tell If A Guy Is Confused About His Feelings For You?
- He has mixed emotions about you.
- He goes hot and cold a lot.
- He stays in your life and has a “situationship” with you, but will not escalate his commitment to you.
- He finds odd things to nit pick about you.
- He sends mixed messages.
- He seems to be waiting until something “better” comes along.
- You don’t trust him not to try to get attention (or even sex) from other women.
- He has excuses for not committing more (and keeps trying to buy more time to have you in his life without committing).
What Causes Hot And Cold Behavior?
When someone is hot and cold, often it’s because they do not want to feel more vulnerable, and because they are ambivalent towards the idea of committing more to the relationship. Instead, their primary focus is on being in control (of themselves and possibly you as well).
Hot and cold behaviour can be the strategy of an emotionally unavailable man, or a man who has avoidant attachment style. But remember, just because a man isn’t interested in having a relationship with you, doesn’t automatically mean he’s emotionally unavailable or avoidant – they don’t always go hand in hand.
Why Is He Hot And Cold Over Text?
He could be hot and cold over text because of the following reasons:
- The conversation is boring.
- The conversation has lots of excitement and emotional attraction at one point in time, but the conversation momentum dies down the next, so he doesn’t feel it’s worth his energy anymore.
- He’s only interested in one part of you, not the other parts. (Ie: he doesn’t like the needy parts of you or the scared parts of you, he only likes the happy and sexual parts of you).
- He’s doesn’t really trust you or the relationship he has with you, so he’ll take what he can get when it suits him only.
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
What Does It Mean When Your Boyfriend Starts Acting Distant?
It could mean that he doesn’t have the attention and emotional resources needed right now in order to give you what you need inside of the relationship.
He could also be trying to protect himself from something. Whether that be protecting himself from having to spend more time and money, or it could be protecting himself from being hurt.
Becoming a woman who men are dying to commit to…
To end this, I would love to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program “Becoming His One & Only”. Click HERE to get yourself a copy!
And if you want to take things further, really get a deep understanding of men and what is going to inspire him to commit organically, here’s what to do. I suggest that you check out our understanding men program.
Until next time, take care.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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