He got angry and told her to F**k Off….
Me & my boyfriend had an argument a few days ago he blamed me for a few things which was silly things & not true. He was angry & recently been under a lot of stress. Also he lost a close friend of his.
He was ratty with me from the night before. He said I had started to act like I was at the beginning of relationship paranoid & not being able to talk properly. At one point he said maybe your getting bored in our argument. I later said maybe you need to miss me… His response was F*** O** . He stormed out the door & not heard from him since.
He hasn’t been on Facebook in 2 days which is not like him. I feel empty but I have not tried to contact him as he is angry & I don’t want him to think he can talk to me like that & think it’s OK. I do believe he is a commitment phobe. Can you give me some advice & why he said maybe you are getting bored?
Is that because he is bored? Why he swore when I said maybe he needs to miss me. He has pulled away for 2 weeks in October & also in July. it will be one year next month he mentioned this a few days before our argument whilst holding my hand. I’m so hurt & confused. Please help!
—– Jacinta (not her real name)
I am sorry you are in this position. I think every woman who has ever been with a male human can feel your pain. The hardest thing here is being left alone and wondering….”What the hell?” “What now?” and “What just happened…?”
Let me tell you, this is a good situation to be in. Conflict is normal, and you’re going to have to go through conflict if you want an enviable relationship with a man. I know it’s hard, but just trust in the process of conflict; and when you need to cry, CRY.
People who trust mediocrity, who avoid reaching their potential, resist conflict at all costs. Which is why I’m suggesting that you try to trust the process of conflict.
The key however, is how to act during the conflict so that you don’t end up taking so much value from the “relationship bank” that the relationship bank account has deficits….and he (and you) just can’t deal with each other anymore.
Now to answer your questions…
Can you give me some advice & why he said maybe you are getting bored? Is that because he is bored?
No. He is not a woman. Women sometimes make insinuations like that. For example, sometimes women will say “Maybe you are getting bored!” to a man, and inside, it is because she is getting bored.
Just like sometimes, we ask “Are you cold?” because we feel cold.
Men aren’t women; and it is more likely that he said it because he actually thinks that you are feeling bored in general and are trying to entertain yourself by saying the things you said in the argument, or make yourself feel deeper emotions (sometimes we talk or say stuff that’s not true in order to try to elicit a strong opposing response from a man, in order make ourselves feel deeper).
He could have said it because he is stressed about the death of his friend as well as being stressed and busy with work; and so his world is full of responsibilities which he perhaps feels that you are not showing understanding for, whilst he feels that you don’t have such intense responsibilities.
It could also mean he is concerned about how faithful you are to the relationship. You know him (and your relationship history) better than me though, and I don’t know him at all, so you might have a better idea of what his actual intent was in saying that you are getting bored.
As for your question “Why he swore when I said maybe he needs to miss me?”
I am not you – or your boyfriend. So I can only say what I can based on the information that I have from you.
It is possible that he said ‘F*** O**’ in response to you saying ‘maybe you need to miss me’ because what you said wasn’t attuned to the situation at hand, and because you didn’t say it to connect with him, rather, as a way to make yourself feel good (about yourself) in a scary argument.
This doesn’t mean that you are in the wrong. There’s no ‘wrong’ with having said that – I have done exactly the same kind of thing in my relationship long ago in the past. And I remember getting an intense challenging response from my man, just as intense as you experienced here (my husband was not swearing, but he challenged me because he didn’t like that I was not being real).
His response was intense enough that I have never done it again (because I have a bad association with doing that now). By ‘it’ – I mean I’ve never really just said what I think I “should” say to be significant or in control in the middle of a argument, out of fear of engaging with him fully.
Engaging is a vulnerable thing to do, and I don’t blame you (or your man) for having the coping mechanisms that you have.
With regards to what you said “maybe you need to miss me” – it’s easy to elicit an angry response from an already stressed man when you say something like this.
Why? Because you said it to take value, not to connect or engage. It’s about you, not the two of you.
And when anyone – man or woman – tries to take value from another human when they are already under stress, it often just causes more problems.
It’s just that what you said was not “real”; it wasn’t an emotion of yours. You weren’t engaging, or deepening the relationship, deepening his trust in you (or your trust in him), and you weren’t relating to him from genuine emotion.
It wasn’t your openness and vulnerability talking. It was just something you said; that didn’t connect with him, and perhaps didn’t feel attuned to the situation at hand.
Attunement…a rare and High Value thing
There’s a price to pay for not being attuned. I know, I’ve done it enough myself to have felt the price to be paid.
There’s also a price to pay for taking value from men. The worst part about this is that many women want to be right – they don’t want to understand how they might be taking value from a man (based on his perspective). Even if we don’t feel like it’s taking value – he might.
And, is it not true that if you truly care, you’d care about that?
It could have felt to him like it was taking value.
I am not telling you this because I think you are in the wrong…I am telling you this because I feel it’s my responsibility to give you a different perspective on what happened. It’s not your fault. We’ve all done it! You are not alone. I stand with you in having done this. And it’s okay. It’s not wrong….I’m just here to hopefully try to help you understand.
Back to what you said.
Just because it can be high value to give a man the gift of missing you (which we talk about in our program, Commitment Control), does not mean that it is effective and good to say the fact straight out to him.
Even if you do think he needs to miss you! 🙂
What could you have done instead of saying, “Maybe you need to miss me”?
What could you have done instead of saying “maybe you need to miss me”?
Well again, this is a hard one, because I wasn’t there to witness it. However, in the future, you could consider if these possibilities appeal to you.
- You could meet him where he is at and say “I know I’m acting like I was at the beginning of the relationship, and I know it seems like I’m not talking properly, but right now I can’t. I don’t mean any harm. I’m just scared/stressed/I miss you so much (CRY).
- You could say “I’m scared right now.” Or, you could have allowed your body to sink into feeling your hurt, fear, or uncertainty; whilst staying connected to him – looking straight at him and being fully open and accepting of him.
- You could meet him at his level and feel where he is at, as best as you can.
- You could reach out and touch him lightly (indicates your openness and your kindness, which means you’re dark and light feminine at the same time, as long as you allow yourself to be soft and allow yourself to connect).(We talk about dark and light feminine in the members area of commitment control).
- You could be brave and ask him if he would like a hug.
Just….connect. Connect, connect, connect. That’s what a true relationship is about. Attune and connect. Even in the middle of a painful argument. Don’t hold on to fear. Don’t lose your relationship to fear! You could be dead the next minute, and so could he.
You could also say you are sorry for what he is going through and that if you could, you would change it. And let him know you’re thinking of him.
Now to your other question: I have not tried to contact him as he is angry & I don’t want him to think he can talk to me like that & think it’s OK.
So, because he’s angry, you don’t contact him?
I understand. It’s scary when he’s angry. *hugs*
But what if underneath all that anger, he just wants to feel respected?
What if underneath all that anger, he just wants to know that he is with a woman who is willing to put herself on the line in order to be there for him?
Let’s throw away society’s rules for a minute.
I know society “tells” us that it is not okay to tell our partner to “F*** O**”. But sometimes you have to throw rules out. You have to throw the ‘norm’ out. Sometimes, in moments of anger, we say things.
Being told to f*** o** is not what matters, really. What matters is that you can practice connecting through painful, fearful times with your man.
And because you practice connecting…this then dictates how well you can both now bounce back and re-connect, and make that “pathway to re-connection” less treacherous the next time you have to go through enormous stress.
You may feel he disrespected you in telling you to f*** o**. However, he could have also felt like you disrespected him by saying “maybe you need to miss me”. That was my feeling; you are running the risk of him feeling like you don’t care, or respect him.
Is there a possibility that him saying “F*** O**” actually matched the level of hurt and disrespect that he felt from you in the moment?
Think about it. Is it possible?
He is also under stress.
Maybe his body was under so much stress and that was the best response he could have come up with.
How to move forward as a High Value Woman
How do you more forward in a situation like this?
How do you create a relationship that other people envy?
Here are the beginning steps…
The essential question you might want to ask yourself is: “Did he have bad intent? Did he say it just to make you suffer? Did he say it because he enjoys seeing you suffer or have less self-esteem?”
If he did, then you need to consider how well he has treated you throughout the history of your time together, and ask yourself, “Was he just really angry in this moment? Or is he always this disrespectful?”
If he is always disrespectful, then feel that disrespect. Fully feel it. Don’t be numb!
Only through actually feeling, will you have the gumption to either leave him or relate to him through depth of character and emotion. Or – even to decide to communicate more vulnerably and more authentically to him.
Regardless, no matter how much you’ve been taught that it’s wrong to say f*** o** or any other profanity to someone. You have to disregard society’s restricting and short-sighted rules.
For the sake of having trust, and depth, and respect in your relationship with a man – ”what’s right” has to be tossed out at some point. We can’t be fussing about what is “right or wrong* forever. If you feel unsure of whether your man is a good man or not, here are 7 Burning Signs a Man is Being Low Value.
Rules, passion and love don’t go together.
Rules make for a restricted, but perhaps sometimes more “equal” relationship where passion and spontaneity and depth of love are not expressed.
Essentially, if you think he must never say that to you – and you let that stop you from making contact with him now, you are operating from a script. A pre-prescribed, out-dated rule.
Am I a pushover if I say sorry to him?
What to do now? There are a few options. One of them is to just say you’re sorry. You would NOT be saying this to submit, you would be saying this out of consideration for his feelings, and out of respect for your desire to connect deeper with him.
This is not a power struggle. This is adulting (being a responsible adult). This is giving. This is thinking outside of yourself, and putting yourself in his shoes.
It is a gift of your compassion and presence. Only if you want to. I am nobody to tell you what to do. This is only food for thought; this is not a script or a rule I’m giving you. I’m not here to tell you what to do; it’s just an idea.
What to do to reconnect with him
Lastly, it’s a great thing that he mentioned your 1 year anniversary coming up together! But your real task right now is to come from an emotionally resourceful place. Here are some action steps for you to consider:
1: Feel him and his situation. Feel what he might be going through. Send him love, from wherever you are. Imagine your love pouring through his bedroom window, embracing him (this is not woo woo, it’s a way to get you into a state of giving love).
2: Feel your feelings. You don’t want to go in to this with an excess of emotions that you haven’t felt from the past. If you’ve been angry at him, or hurt, then feel that in private. Get a photo of him, or go back in to your memory and allow your body and soul to feel. Why would you do this? It takes a lot of energy, but it is essential. And it’s essential because it allows you to be fresh, and present, and high value. We can’t be present when we’ve got so many of our own un-felt, unacknowledged feelings from the past. We simply cannot be responsible adults. I wish more people knew this in our world. After this, if you make contact, make sure it is from a loving, and open place.
3: Make the move to connect. You can choose a playful route, or you can choose a more serious route. Think about this. Would being playful add more value to him and your relationship? Or would being serious add more value? You may not know, and that’s okay. Just make the best decision you know how, and choose a route.
Ultimately, it’s the quality of connection and attraction that you and your man have that matters. Not your rules for how you think he is “supposed” to act, or how you are “supposed” to act.
I commend you for taking this brave step in improving your relationship, and I wish you every success.