I’m going to give you the top 3 red flags in dating that you should be weary of when dating a new guy.
These three red flags are the only red flags you need to keep in mind when dating.
If you ignore these red flags, you’ll see your dating life downward spiral fast.
The reason I’m giving you only three red flags is that if you focus on too many red flags, you may get confused.
Not to mention, having a plethora of dating red flags in your head can lead you to rule out otherwise great men, and go too far down the rabbit hole of looking for red flags.
I’ll explain more about this soon.
Please… be smart about dating…
As a woman dating in this sometimes confusing and superficial era, you really have to be smart in the way you go about dating.
And you have to be particularly smart when online dating, because you are getting to know someone through a screen initially.
As such, you don’t get to witness all the little nuances in body language, speech and eye movement that you may observe when first meeting someone in person.
Dating apps are a haven for scammers, narcissists, players and yes, adulterous married men too.
However, we can’t let this fact take away from all the truly high value men, the great men online who are really sitting there waiting to get to know you.
Yes, they exist. And I’ll show you exactly how to connect to the souls of these truly great men later on in this article.
The top 3 dating red flags you must avoid as a woman
For now, let’s concentrate on the top 3 dating red flags you must avoid.
Obviously, there are many things that could come under the umbrella of red flags in dating.
However, in my experience working with hundreds of women in their online and offline dating lives, these are the top red flags to look for when dating a new person.
My husband also has a great article on this topic. Here’s the 1 GIANT Red Flag that All Women Routinely Fall For in Online Dating.
Dating red flag #1: He’s not attuned to you.
If you understand the concept of attunement, you’ll understand the value of attunement when dating men.
If you are not attuned to a man, or he is not attuned to you, there will be trouble in your future.
The reason for this is that when there’s no attunement, there’s no hope in falling in love, for either of you. And there’s definitely no relationship on the horizon. You can count on that.
The definition of attunement is: to bring into harmony.
For two people to form a genuine connection and fall in love, there has to be attunement. Has to be.
Think of attunement like this. It is the act (and art) of responding to someone and being on the same page as them.
Kind of like meeting them where they are at.
For a man & woman to fall in love, THIS ingredient must be present…
When two people are in love, they do this naturally, and the roles are switched very naturally too.
So, you do or say something. He responds with laughter, compassion or his presence in some way.
He does or says something, and you respond with laughter, compassion or presence in some way.
The more a man is only dating for himself and what he can get out of the situation, the less responsive and attuned he will be to you.
The less a man responds to you and the less you respond to him, the more the relationship breaks down.
A narcissistic or abusive man won’t have the capacity to be attuned to you and meet you where you are at.
Because they are only looking to take (or milk you of what you’re willing to give) for themselves.
A scammer would also not be able to be attuned to you.
A player, a man who is only there looking for the sex he can get, will not be attuned to you.
A man with crippling low self esteem would not be able to be attuned to you, even if he tries. Because he simply won’t be able to offer his presence, or his responsiveness.
Attunement should occur in all great relationships.
All enviable relationships have the critical ingredient of attunement.
The more attunement there is, the stronger the relationship and the more trust there will be between the two souls in that relationship.
A man who is genuinely wanting to CONNECT with you will prioritise attunement
A man who is genuine in wanting to actually connect with you, and get to know you, will prioritise attuning himself to you naturally.
This means he will respond to your jokes, your chatter, your questions and your energy at least 70% of the time.
He won’t just ignore you or give you flat energy.
By flat energy, I mean he doesn’t seem to value the conversation enough to keep it going.
He lets the conversation momentum die repeatedly over time. In other words, talking to him is like beating a dead horse.
Now, of course, all conversations lose momentum. We’re adults here. We have things to do. We have lives to live and responsibilities to attend to.
This is why I said he will respond to you at least 70% of the time.
The other times, he may be at work, exhausted, running out of energy or words, and maybe he just plain does not get your communication.
If you’re serious about online dating, take this red flag to heart
Now, this particular red flag of lack of attunement applies very much in online dating.
If you’re serious about online dating, then you should be testing each and every man that you are interested in having a conversation with.
How do you do that? By using high value banter.
You initiate a conversation with a man that you are interested in using this high value banter.
And this is all the test you’ll need to find out if he’s a high value man who is attuned to you.
This is, in fact, the one enormous online dating red flag that I would say is invariably true.
And that’s important, because with most other red flags in dating, there’s a grey area. But not this one; the red flag that he is not attuned to you.
Too much “searching” for red flags can backfire on you
You see, I don’t always like the concept of “searching” for red flags.
Because this can cause you to just be on guard too much, and responding in fear.
Sure, I understand that if you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you may naturally be more skeptical, on guard and ready to run.
If you feel a bit scared and nervous to get involved with a narcissist yet again, here’s how I can help.
These two articles should help you heal, and understand further what to look out for when dating a new person.
Why many red flags can be a grey area
A man could harbour a few of the traditional or “commonly understood” red flags in his personality. Yet, he could still actually be an upstanding, incredibly high value man.
However, because you’re “searching” for red flags out of fear and a lack of confidence in your own ability to feel a man’s intent, you miss the fact that they aren’t red flags whatsoever.
Let me tell you that according to SOME of the mainstream advice about what red flags look like, my husband as well as myself both exhibited red flags at the beginning of our relationship. Yes, both of us!
But we are in a healthy, long term marriage with 3 (1 on the way) children.
This is a man who has never laid a hand on me, except when he is looking out for my physical, emotional and psychological safety.
This is a man who, when I said I loved eating figs, proceeded to cultivate 33 fig trees for me in our home.
The same man who has never let me down when I needed him, even when it wasn’t convenient for him.
So, how does that work?
How can a man be a good man yet still seem to have some red flags in his personality?
Some seemingly kind & generous actions can carry ill intent…
It works like this.
You see, even the most seemingly kind or generous actions can carry ill intent.
For example: a toxic, narcissistic man can pay for an expensive dinner for you, and make you feel like he is the ultimate gentleman and you are a princess.
Only, you find out that he was doing it to manipulate you into feeling obligated to sex.
Contrast this with the fact that some of the most seemingly annoying or anger inducing actions can have a loving, giving intent.
For example, you may have a hang up about your enormous left big toe.
And a man playfully brings up the topic of your enormous left big toe, telling you that it is the most diabolical thing he’s ever seen.
He’s triggering your fears, and perhaps also annoying you. But what he intends to do is actually connect with you.
Connect with you, how?
Well, he’s trying to push through your boundaries with love to touch your soul.
He is poking fun at you in order to desensitise you to your perceived “deformity”.
It’s interesting. Often, if you care, you’ll be willing to break the rules just to do the right thing.
And you do the right thing so that you can contribute to someone and change their life, or to make a deeper connection.
This is why relying on, and searching for lots of dating red flags can sometimes mislead you.
This is also why I don’t like having a tonne of dating red flags to look out for.
We want to be aware of some important dating red flags, but we don’t want to become overly reliant on them. Or we will lose our true power of attunement.
To be smart in dating, train in attunement
I suggest instead that you train in true attunement.
Don’t examine or react through fear, but by attuning yourself to the other person’s intent, and to look for his attunement to you!
This is why this is the no.1 red flag in online dating that is indisputable. He’s not attuned to you.
(Remember, you can’t expect him to be attuned round the clock. That’s just not possible. But when first getting to know a guy, if he has no attunement to you, that’s a problem.)
There’s lots of ways that you can test a man for attunement to you.
Here’s how to test men in online dating
What would you want to test men for? You’d want to test them for their level of attunement to YOU.
If you don’t test, you can end up in the wrong kinds of situationships with men. You may not realize you’re dating an emotionally unavailable man, either.
With that said, the best way by far to test men in online dating, is through the use of high value banter.
You see, if a man doesn’t respond to your banter online, then he has no capacity or desire to connect with you. And so he would not be worth your time!
To test whether he is attuned to you in online dating, use high value banter.
This banter method was created specifically for women to use online to weed out the low value men and connect with the high value men!
And if you visit the high value banter page, you’ll see that so many women have had success with using it.
They are getting asked out on dates super fast and the dates are with high value men, not duds.
It has truly changed lots of women’s dating life! With some women being totally burnt out through online dating to ending up having high quality men repeatedly ask them out on dates that turned out to be “electric”.
This is how effective high value banter is at eliminating the nasties online.
Click here to watch an amazing case study with Kristin on how high value banter completely turned her online dating life around!
Dating Red Flag #2: He puts no effort into his online dating bio or in talking to you
If a man doesn’t put any effort into the most basic thing – his online dating profile or bio – then he is not serious about connecting with you.
Nor is he serious about the process of online dating.
Not putting in effort into writing anything compelling in his dating profile bio that would allow women to connect to him or learn more about him, is evidently an online dating red flag.
Also, what I’m about to say ties into the first dating red flag.
But to reiterate: if you find that he puts zero effort into the conversation with you, then conclude that he isn’t actually there to converse.
What is the intention of men who don’t put effort into their dating profile?
Why would a man try to online date without putting any effort into his online dating profile and bio?
Because he’s just there to look at (gawk at) profiles, to pick up easy women, or just for the excitement of having random conversations with strangers (that may stroke his ego).
Remember: you’re not doing online dating to just pass the time.
You’re doing it to be able to connect with someone, in the hope that it will lead to something more. Ie: a relationship.
So the most basic requirement for you as a woman, is that the man is willing to connect on some level with you, true?
CLICK here to discover how online dating has completely changed and why you as a woman need to use “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men online and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”!
(…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and duds!)
My man David runs this free class and I highly recommend you listen to it.
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
Dating Red Flag #3: He panders to women’s need for a relationship & commitment.
This can also be known as love bombing, and this red flag goes for in person dating as well as online dating.
If a man talks about a commitment very early on in the dating process, that’s a red flag.
Simple, but useful fact: NO man is ready for commitment in the first conversation online, or even in the first few weeks of meeting you.
When men pander to your need for a commitment or marriage too early, it’s a strategy that some men use in order to scam you.
They may scam you in order to get money from you, to get into your pants, or fast track his way to sex with you.
Here’s an example. A lady posted this on my facebook group.
And this is what she had to say about this text she received:
“I just started talking to this guy a few days ago and the texts are non stop. I suggested we have a picnic for our first date at a nearby lake (it is a very populated lake) and this is his response. I feel overwhelmed…”
See the keywords in his first texts “I would actually enjoy that especially with you.”
Especially with you? They just started talking! This kind of language plays to a woman’s need for exclusivity (ie: signals of commitment) far too early.
And another one:
“You know if you keep thinking of these kind of things to do together I might fall head-over-heels for you.”
Fall “head over heels?”
Men who fake early attachment & romance…
No man falls head over heels in love with a woman just for suggesting special things to do (before they have even met).
This kind of early attachment in relation to suggestions for sweet or romantic dates tends to be a bias that women have, not men!
And the final kicker:
“I debated (read: deleted) my account because I want to give you a 150% of my attention…”
This is all too much, too soon.
Too much “exclusivity signaling” is what I would like to call it. He’s sending signals that they can be exclusive, way before he should.
Try to remember that it is simply not possible to skip over all the natural steps and milestones in dating…
Don’t Ever try to short-cut all the natural steps in dating
AND – don’t let men try to short-cut all the natural steps in dating with you.
Don’t let them jump the gun. Scammers and narcissists will always come on strong to you, but never for the right reasons.
What natural steps?
In dating, there are natural steps that cannot be skipped if you want a real relationship.
These are the steps of the playful online conversations that build attraction, to the first in-person date.
Once you’ve met, the next natural steps are the development of further emotional attraction and emotional connection, and the gaining and developing of trust.
If you want to learn more about how to build emotional connection and emotional attraction with men, click here.
After this, there are a bunch of other factors that cannot be short-cut before you get to the stage of exclusivity and long term love!
Always remember: the rule in dating red flags is: if it feels too soon, it is too soon!
To help you add more to your dating arsenal as a woman, here’s an article on Why Men Ghost: 3 Reasons Why Men Disappear & What You MUST Do.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.