Article updated 2018
How to Get out of Pain in Your Relationship Right Now
You would already know, intuitively, and through experience, that being in a relationship means you will inevitably experience pain.
This doesn’t mean you should expect pain around every corner, and close up and stop opening yourself or stop trusting because of it. It just means the pain will be there. Pain is a part of life. Anytime you open yourself up to another human being intimately, you are opening yourself to the possibility of feeling pain as well.
That is why so many of us avoid entering relationships fully – it tests us more than anything else in our lives, and magnifies our emotions, and magnifies our fears. So many of us just dibble dabble; and as soon as it gets too painful, or it gets too scary, we pull away, blame the other person, or leave; maybe thinking another man or woman will be better for us. (Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)
There are reasons why over 80% of long-term relationships and marriages ultimately fail. Because intimate relationship is the area of our lives where we have the most fear.
So, we will always have the possibility of experiencing pain if we are truly loving somebody – but when it gets really bad; is when we give ourselves no possible way – no personal power – to deal with it; so we end up in consistent and eventually PERMANENT suffering; rather than just feeling our pain.
So we MUST strike a balance between actually letting ourselves FEEL our pain, and letting it get out of hand, which just means prolonging it until you eventually start to feel completely helpless and bitter.
You must focus on what you CAN control
In our intimate relationships we have no control over the other person. As a woman, you have no control over a man. If control is what you want, I encourage you to get some handcuffs and a basement. And then prepare to be miserable.
But it is our focus on this uncertainty; this fear; of the lack of control that we have that paralyzes us.
Any time we are focused on what the other person is doing or better still, NOT doing for US, we get pain.
All of your pain comes from withholding your OWN love
And any time you, as a woman, feel pain in your intimate relationship, is because you are withholding your love. You expect he should just do something for you. You’re trying to justify why he should be doing this, and how he’s hurt you. And what a bastard he is. Maybe, he is being a total prick. But that doesn’t help YOU experience less pain or suffering.
You get pain because you are denying yourself of love; and you are denying your own ability to love, as a woman. So it feels like there is no love there in existence already; which is a lie.
You’ve read this article for a reason. Because you’ve experienced pain before in an intimate relationship (we all have), or because you’re currently in pain, and would like to get out of this pain. (read my article on how to open up to love)
Do you really want to stop experiencing Pain?
Or, if you are like most people (like the average woman), perhaps you’re in a lot of pain and it’d KINDA feel nice to be out of suffering, but it also feels certain and safe to feel this prolonged suffering so you’ll read half the article and click out of it, because it’s “all too hard”. So you don’t REALLY want to stop suffering.
You’re really committed to suffering, rather than stopping suffering.
I would like to suggest that everybody would love to get out of pain, but not everybody would like to grow. So we just keep doing the same thing that we always have; causing ourselves more pain. If that’s what you want to do, click here and do this instead.
How to stop feeling pain and suffering right Now
Alternatively, if you are truly hurting, and want to get our of that pain, there is a way.
Here is what I want you to do:
1) ask yourself, “why am I hurting?”
And you might say, well “I’m hurting because HE didn’t do THIS!“
Or you night say, “I’m hurting because HE LEFT ME!!!”
And if you’re very self-aware, you might say: ‘I’m hurting because I feel like I have no control over this situation.’
And if you took it to a higher level than that in answering this question; you would know that the reason you are hurting is because you are withholding love. You’re withholding your own gifts.
As a woman, and as a woman who has a feminine essence, you will get pain any time you withhold your love. We THINK it’s because we got hurt by this guy, or because ‘life shouldn’t be this way’, or because ‘we DESERVE’ more than that, or because we were disrespected….the list goes on. But the real pain we feel is when we are not giving our gift.
Our gift being – giving from a place of resourcefulness. We can ALWAYS control what we have to give; but we cannot control what other people do not give to us.
Think about it: pain is a part of life: but if you really want to get OUT of that pain, can you really get OUT of it by focusing on what you CANNOT control? No.
But you can focus on what you can potentially control, with is your own actions, and the meaning YOU give to any situation.
(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)
2) Think back to a time when you really helped somebody. Was it your Mom? Your Dad? Maybe your grandma or grandpa? Your son or daughter? Or maybe a beautiful friend. I want you to think of a time when you helped someone you cared about; and you actually SAW the results you got from helping them.
Maybe your girlfriend was hurting, and she called you up to tell you, and you went there straightaway, you had a girl talk, and you put a smile on her face.
Maybe your Mom was worried about something, and you told her that there was no need to worry, and that you love her.
Maybe your grandma was sick, and you stayed with her, spent time with her, and it put a smile on her face.
Hey, maybe you helped a stranger pick up their coin from the street or you helped a lost person find where they needed to go, and they turned to you and thanked you.
Think of a time. Not just a time when you GAVE to somebody, I want you to think of a time you can remember that you helped that person, and they actually felt that you helped them, and returned your help with their gratitude.
How does it make you feel, thinking about this experience?
In that moment, were you resourceful?
Were you strong?
Or were you weak?
How does the ‘you’ who helped that person so much compare to the ‘you’ who is in pain in her relationship and hurting right now? There’s nothing wrong with hurting, but there is something wrong with consistently putting yourself in a place of pain because you lie to yourself by thinking you have no power in the situation. (click here to take the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)
So, do these two people (the one who was helping and the one who is in pain) breathe differently? Stand differently? What words do they use?
3) You must call on the part of you who showed up when you were giving to that person you care about without expecting anything back. In that emotional place; and in that emotional state; you also have the power to influence your own focus, and thoughts; which in turn influence your own pain and suffering.
So call on that part of you, and focus on what that part of you would focus on. That part of you KNOWS that there is incredible power in focusing on what you can control; focusing on what you can give; rather than focusing on what you can’t control; and what you are not GETTING.
4) Now, write down on a piece of paper, and stick it on your wall:
‘If I want to experience the love I deserve in my relationship with a man; I need to acknowledge that I must have the resources within myself to give love first’.
Put it somewhere you will always see it. Go ahead, do that right now, or I’ll come and hassle you every day until you do. 😉
5) Most women in this modern day world deal with their pain by becoming masculine, and taking the lead with a rigid strength and determination of a man in their own lives. This can really be a great thing – but it’s only great when you also allow yourself to feel.
Most women, in the process of becoming more masculine to get through life, forget that they are still feminine at their core – and that it’s totally OK to feel vulnerable and to feel hurt.
The less you let yourself grieve, and hurt, and cry, the less powerful you will feel, because you’re making your own feelings wrong – and when you do that – the energy always goes outwards, to other people, because you can’t take the pain of denying yourself of the right to feel, and to hurt.
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)
Here is what I want you to do right NOW to make sure you have the resources to get yourself out of emotional pain in your intimate relationship:
1) So, if you feel tight and rigid and you’re just going about your daily life with ‘what do I need to do next’, ‘oh my God, I have to do this’, ‘ahh, I can’t stop, I gotta do this’, or if there’s a voice in your head telling you it’s wrong to feel pain, or that you should be ‘over’ it and stop being an idiot – you still feel pain underneath somewhere.
And because of your not letting yourself feel it – you cannot move forward. This is when pain ends up being long-term suffering. So it’s ironic, that to get out of suffering, often, we actually have to allow ourselves to FEEL our hurts and our pain.
Whatever it is that you are feeling; and whatever pain it is that you feel; go right now, stop, and let yourself feel it.
Do this DAILY.
Always remind yourself, every day that it is OK to feel. It’s OK to feel anger, ecstasy, happy for no apparent reason, it’s OK to feel disappointment, hurt, rage, vulnerable, and scared. (read my article about
To really get out of pain in your relationship for the long-term, you must keep practicing the above steps I’ve given you.
2) Lastly, remember that whenever you feel pain – it’s not that there is something WRONG, it’s that this is an area in which you need to grow. And you can grow by getting your own resources back; from your own well of feminine love; from the place inside yourself that has plenty to give.
Write this down above your desk, or on your face, or as a note on your computer screen (yes yes I like that one! Always visible):
“Whenever I feel pain – it’s not that there is something WRONG, it’s that this is an area in which I need to GROW.”
And just some encouragement: cause I know you might be thinking: ‘yeah, but even if I do this, it doesn’t mean I will get the love and commitment I want from this man’.
When you come from a place of giving in your relationship; a man feels your presence in the relationship differently. When you are authentically just radiating love; you completely break HIS state. And you have FAR better chances of having the love and commitment you want from the man that you want, than you would if you were just being and feeling miserable.
Thanks for taking the time to read. I know you’re busy.
Please, kindly share with us in the comments section below, how you need to grow in your relationship right now, and what actions you take to get out of pain in your relationship. 🙂
(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)
P.S. Connect with me on social media!
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.