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Article updated 2018

How to Get out of Pain in Your Relationship Right Now

You would already know, intuitively, and through experience, that being in a relationship means you will inevitably experience pain.

This doesn’t mean you should expect pain around every corner, and close up and stop opening yourself or stop trusting because of it. It just means the pain will be there. Pain is a part of life. Anytime you open yourself up to another human being intimately, you are opening yourself to the possibility of feeling pain as well.

That is why so many of us avoid entering relationships fully – it tests us more than anything else in our lives, and magnifies our emotions, and magnifies our fears. So many of us just dibble dabble; and as soon as it gets too painful, or it gets too scary, we pull away, blame the other person, or leave; maybe thinking another man or woman will be better for us. (Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

There are reasons why over 80% of long-term relationships and marriages ultimately fail. Because intimate relationship is the area of our lives where we have the most fear.

So, we will always have the possibility of experiencing pain if we are truly loving somebody – but when it gets really bad; is when we give ourselves no possible way – no personal power – to deal with it; so we end up in consistent and eventually PERMANENT suffering; rather than just feeling our pain.

So we MUST strike a balance between actually letting ourselves FEEL our pain, and letting it get out of hand, which just means prolonging it until you eventually start to feel completely helpless and bitter.

You must focus on what you CAN control

In our intimate relationships we have no control over the other person. As a woman, you have no control over a man. If control is what you want, I encourage you to get some handcuffs and a basement. And then prepare to be miserable.

But it is our focus on this uncertainty; this fear; of the lack of control that we have that paralyzes us.

Any time we are focused on what the other person is doing or better still, NOT doing for US, we get pain.

All of your pain comes from withholding your OWN love

And any time you, as a woman, feel pain in your intimate relationship, is because you are withholding your love. You expect he should just do something for you. You’re trying to justify why he should be doing this, and how he’s hurt you. And what a bastard he is. Maybe, he is being a total prick. But that doesn’t help YOU experience less pain or suffering.

You get pain because you are denying yourself of love; and you are denying your own ability to love, as a woman. So it feels like there is no love there in existence already; which is a lie.

You’ve read this article for a reason. Because you’ve experienced pain before in an intimate relationship (we all have), or because you’re currently in pain, and would like to get out of this pain. (read my article on how to open up to love)

Do you really want to stop experiencing Pain?

Or, if you are like most people (like the average woman), perhaps you’re in a lot of pain and it’d KINDA feel nice to be out of suffering, but it also feels certain and safe to feel this prolonged suffering so you’ll read half the article and click out of it, because it’s “all too hard”. So you don’t REALLY want to stop suffering.

You’re really committed to suffering, rather than stopping suffering.

I would like to suggest that everybody would love to get out of pain, but not everybody would like to grow. So we just keep doing the same thing that we always have; causing ourselves more pain. If that’s what you want to do, click here and do this instead.

How to stop feeling pain and suffering right Now

Alternatively, if you are truly hurting, and want to get our of that pain, there is a way.

Here is what I want you to do:

1) ask yourself, “why am I hurting?”

And you might say, well “I’m hurting because HE didn’t do THIS!

Or you night say, “I’m hurting because HE LEFT ME!!!”

And if you’re very self-aware, you might say: ‘I’m hurting because I feel like I have no control over this situation.’

And if you took it to a higher level than that in answering this question; you would know that the reason you are hurting is because you are withholding love. You’re withholding your own gifts.

As a woman, and as a woman who has a feminine essence, you will get pain any time you withhold your love. We THINK it’s because we got hurt by this guy, or because ‘life shouldn’t be this way’, or because ‘we DESERVE’ more than that, or because we were disrespected….the list goes on. But the real pain we feel is when we are not giving our gift.

Our gift being – giving from a place of resourcefulness. We can ALWAYS control what we have to give; but we cannot control what other people do not give to us.

Think about it: pain is a part of life: but if you really want to get OUT of that pain, can you really get OUT of it by focusing on what you CANNOT control? No.

But you can focus on what you can potentially control, with is your own actions, and the meaning YOU give to any situation.

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

2) Think back to a time when you really helped somebody. Was it your Mom? Your Dad? Maybe your grandma or grandpa? Your son or daughter? Or maybe  a beautiful friend. I want you to think of a time when you helped someone you cared about; and you actually SAW the results you got from helping them.

Maybe your girlfriend was hurting, and she called you up to tell you, and you went there straightaway, you had a girl talk, and you put a smile on her face.

Maybe your Mom was worried about something, and you told her that there was no need to worry, and that you love her.

Maybe your grandma was sick, and you stayed with her, spent time with her, and it put a smile on her face.

Hey, maybe you helped a stranger pick up their coin from the street or you helped a lost person find where they needed to go, and they turned to you and thanked you.

Think of a time. Not just a time when you GAVE to somebody, I want you to think of a time you can remember that you helped that person, and they actually felt that you helped them, and returned your help with their gratitude.

How does it make you feel, thinking about this experience?

In that moment, were you resourceful?

Were you strong?

Or were you weak?

How does the ‘you’ who helped that person so much compare to the ‘you’ who is in pain in her relationship and hurting right now? There’s nothing wrong with hurting, but there is something wrong with consistently putting yourself in a place of pain because you lie to yourself by thinking you have no power in the situation. (click here to take the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

So, do these two people (the one who was helping and the one who is in pain) breathe differently? Stand differently? What words do they use?

3) You must call on the part of you who showed up when you were giving to that person you care about without expecting anything back. In that emotional place; and in that emotional state; you also have the power to influence your own focus, and thoughts; which in turn influence your own pain and suffering.

So call on that part of you, and focus on what that part of you would focus on. That part of you KNOWS that there is incredible power in focusing on what you can control; focusing on what you can give; rather than focusing on what you can’t control; and what you are not GETTING.

4) Now, write down on a piece of paper, and stick it on your wall:

‘If I want to experience the love I deserve in my relationship with a man; I need to acknowledge that I must have the resources within myself to give love first’.

Put it somewhere you will always see it. Go ahead, do that right now, or I’ll come and hassle you every day until you do. 😉

5) Most women in this modern day world deal with their pain by becoming masculine, and taking the lead with a rigid strength and determination of a man in their own lives. This can really be a great thing – but it’s only great when you also allow yourself to feel.

Most women, in the process of becoming more masculine to get through life, forget that they are still feminine at their core – and that it’s totally OK to feel vulnerable and to feel hurt.

The less you let yourself grieve, and hurt, and cry, the less powerful you will feel, because you’re making your own feelings wrong – and when you do that – the energy always goes outwards, to other people, because you can’t take the pain of denying yourself of the right to feel, and to hurt.

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

Here is what I want you to do right NOW to make sure you have the resources to get yourself out of emotional pain in your intimate relationship:

1) So, if you feel tight and rigid and you’re just going about your daily life with ‘what do I need to do next’, ‘oh my God, I have to do this’, ‘ahh, I can’t stop, I gotta do this’, or if there’s a voice in your head telling you it’s wrong to feel pain, or that you should be ‘over’ it and stop being an idiot – you still feel pain underneath somewhere.

And because of your not letting yourself feel it – you cannot move forward. This is when pain ends up being long-term suffering. So it’s ironic, that to get out of suffering, often, we actually have to allow ourselves to FEEL our hurts and our pain.

Whatever it is that you are feeling; and whatever pain it is that you feel; go right now, stop, and let yourself feel it.

Do this DAILY.

Always remind yourself, every day that it is OK to feel. It’s OK to feel anger, ecstasy, happy for no apparent reason, it’s OK to feel disappointment, hurt, rage, vulnerable, and scared. (read my article about

To really get out of pain in your relationship for the long-term, you must keep practicing the above steps I’ve given you.

2) Lastly, remember that whenever you feel pain – it’s not that there is something WRONG, it’s that this is an area in which you need to grow. And you can grow by getting your own resources back; from your own well of feminine love; from the place inside yourself that has plenty to give.

Write this down above your desk, or on your face, or as a note on your computer screen (yes yes I like that one! Always visible):

“Whenever I feel pain – it’s not that there is something WRONG, it’s that this is an area in which I need to GROW.” 

And just some encouragement: cause I know you might be thinking: ‘yeah, but even if I do this, it doesn’t mean I will get the love and commitment I want from this man’.

When you come from a place of giving in your relationship; a man feels your presence in the relationship differently. When you are authentically just radiating love; you completely break HIS state. And you have FAR better chances of having the love and commitment you want from the man that you want, than you would if you were just being and feeling miserable.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I know you’re busy.

And if you have more time, click here to register here to watch our Commitment Masterclass for free. 

Please, kindly share with us in the comments section below, how you need to grow in your relationship right now, and what actions you take to get out of pain in your relationship. 🙂

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

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P.S. Connect with me on social media!

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Nikki
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Nikki

But what if you’re on a break and you’ve reached out but he’s still v hurt and VERY detached?!!! How do you show love first then? Reaching out feels wrong because it makes me feel abandoned when he doesn’t reply for a long time. I’ve read your blog a long time it really resonates. I was his one and only but the obstacles were great and when I needed a space he took it and ran with it. He was my soulmate and we were deeply in love. An LDR planning to be married but it feels like it was… Read more »

Celi S
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Celi S

I feel confused by this article ? I’ll read it over and over until I get it

Nes
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Nes

You know when they say that the Other is your mirror? Well… It helps to read this Renée… It really really helps. And the most beautiful part is that you give us an Understanding Yourself programme as much as an Understanding Men Programme. I have a question though… Just out of curiosity: is there a lot of men who are interested in understanding women? I’m not trying to criticize your approach (I’m a believer ) it’s just that I wonder… Like you said that relationships are a feminine domain. And you have this nice “letter to a man”on your blog…… Read more »

Introspective Lady
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Introspective Lady

Hi, I read this post after following links from other sites. My jaw dropped when I got to the part of the post where you explained how pain in relationships has much to do with not being able to focus the way one believes they should, then subsequently withholding love. In my most recent relationships, even in the therapy sessions where I discussed my most recent relationships, I always return to the pain related to my intention. “I have so much love to give to this man…” or, “I had so many plans for us, we were going to be… Read more »

srinadh
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srinadh

Hi Renee,
I’m in relation with a girl. I’m feeling too pained when my Girlfriend is avoiding me in any kind of situations.I dont know how to make her to love me once again as we were in the first sight of love or to leave her and just break up.But, whenever I feel that their family won’t accept me or she is avoiding me I’m getting toooo heavy pain.Only because I loved her toooo madly.I want to get out of this pain.Please suggest me what to do now….

Joan
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Joan

I just happened on Renee’s site 2 months ago. I read everything, put it into practice and things went along smoothly in my relationship. Heck it was like a paradise. Now I have some pain. I know this is telling me its time to grow. I know I need to be more authentic. My man is confused. I have to tell him something and I know I’ll be vulnerable. Until I’m ready to be authentic and vulnerable and tell him what is going on with me, I’ll continue to feel pain. The pain is pushing me to move past the… Read more »

Joan
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Joan

It was eating away at me because he was still willingly doing things for his ex. I thought it was ok, but I was not being authentic. All my friends were telling me it was nice that he was so nice. I shouldn’t expect him to just cut her out of his life. Not that it was wrong, but it was wrong for me because it wasn’t what I wanted. So I decided to be vulnerable. I remembered the teachings about a man only having a commitment to one woman. So I was really beaten up inside. Before I read… Read more »

Sara
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Sara

Hi Renee, I have a question- I have been with a wonderful man for the past two years; however, I have always received mixed signals about his masculinity and if he wants a feminine woman. He talks about how he wants to be the man of the house, take care of his family, etc. His actions are a bit different…before me, he dated much older women. He also says, I don’t initiate enough, that he plans everything, and I don’t talk enough. He has also asked me to split certain things 50/50 with him, and says things like “why don’t… Read more »

Jessie
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Jessie

Last night I did just this. I dropped my man off at his home (he was without vehicle earlier) and as he got out the car I felt a switch go off on my head and a wave of pain just washed over me. I sped off and then rang to yell at him on the phone that I was sad and he didnt care. I ralised what a little girl I was behaving like rand back and apologised but I had no idea where that all came from until I read this article. It was spot on. I realised… Read more »

Kira
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Kira

I’m hurting right now though it isn’t that I feel unappreciated or unloved but rather I feel overworked. And, I guess I’ll admit it, un-cared for. (And sometimes I have those dark thoughts about how it’s not fair…But then I’m like, it’s my own fault for being so dependent.) Like, I’m having a very hard time taking care of myself. I have a job now (very physically demanding) which I’m grateful for but on top of that I must walk 5 miles home most of the time and it’s getting very very hard for me and I want to cry… Read more »

Rish
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Rish

This is a brilliant article, i felt refresh reading.. Works like a wake up call for delusional people whose holding on faith so strongly. Cant thank you enough. Love love love it..

Sam
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Sam

Renee, I cant thank you enough. I was feeling low and down in my current relationship. Doing that exact thing you talked about focusing on what I cant control. What he didnt do?What he did do that I wasnt happy with? Why it took him so long to commit? why he keeps changing his mind about us? I realized that I can only control me. I knew it all along but there is something about seeing in black and white that just hits home. Thanks again and looking forward to many more of your enlightening and ever so encouraging articles.

jennifer
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jennifer

why love someone who doesn’t see you there take advange of you and love you back when you do something for him i have been through that life in the past and i feel like i am doing again and i love that person but i am not getting back respect or thanks for anything that i do and i am very angry and upset what should i do about this relationship i am in

Peculiar
Guest

Thank you so much Renee,i have been expressing pain since i grow up.you have shown me how i can appreciate my self no matter what am passing through in my life

RobinR
Guest
RobinR

Renee, this is one of the wisest blogs I have ever read. I’ve been feeling pain today in my relationship due to insecurity. I went to re-read this and I’m no longer crying and feeling sorry for myself – but rather feeling empowered with my own life. Thank you!

Renee
Guest
Renee

You’re welcome Robin 🙂 more importantly, thank you. we need more women like you. xoxoxo

precious
Guest
precious

Its an eye opener how to deal with pain without being regretful and cynical. It is indeed right that one should not find happiness on someone, instead find happiness in giving rather than in receiving because happiness can only be found within oneself..

Mina
Guest
Mina

Wow, a really powerful article and very true. I absolutely love this site. I found it by accident and have been coming here to read almost daily.

zigma pluto
Guest
zigma pluto

Hi Renee
Thanks for the great article. When i read it, it loked like it was written just for me, until i went in the comments section and saw others who felt the same way. Very empowering and enlightening.

Marynne
Guest
Marynne

Renee,
What a wonderful gift! You gave me a whole new perspective and I kept it in my heart and mind all day. I love the idea of coming at pain as a place of growth and strength. So good to keep in mind for all the hurts we incur, from the men we love to our friends, families and even our little pets. You are a real gift, Thank-you.

Stephenie
Guest
Stephenie

I liked this one. It reminds me of a book I read that states we should be responsisble for our own actions anot others. It was called”why should I be the first to change” by Nancy Misler. Amuch hated and loved book because it puts the onus of responsibility for a persons actions on themselves and then says what and how to deal with it.

Great article once again. Thanks 🙂

Stephenie 🙂

Twanda Moore
Guest

Thank you Renee, I woke up at 2:30 am and read the most heartwarming and inspiring words from you. It was almost as though you had once been in my situation. It’s true, I have thrown aside the femine side of myself and took on my man’s role and now expects him to act like a man should; whereas he’s noticed and does and shows less feelings for me than he once did. I am going to focus on your tips and I’m glad I didn’t “click off” before I read this in its entirety. Please continue to send me… Read more »

Renee
Guest
Renee

You’re welcome Twanda. You’re so lovely. Thanks for your comment. 🙂

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