I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’ve lost the plot.
Maybe you’re thinking I’m anti-woman or that I don’t want the best for my fellow sisters out there. Nope.
How could I suggest something so absurd?
Because I’ve learned through painful experience that if you want to invest in the right people (or the right man) it’s important to think outside the box.
Over the years I’ve realised that there is something very intelligent about offering to pay on the first date.
No, I’m not suggesting that you become a provider.
I am not suggesting that you act like a man.
I’m not suggesting that you must pay.
I’m suggesting that you OFFER to pay.
It’s an offer. An offer (the verb) is defined as ‘to provide access or an opportunity’.
That opportunity is a chance for him to step up, or prove his real intentions with you.
It’s just an offer.
It’s not masculine nor feminine, it is human.
I’m not suggesting that you even offer to pay for a lunch or a lavish dinner.
I’m talking about a coffee or a cup of tea.
I’m not a fan of lavish dinners or lunches for a first date anyways. First dates like this tend to be full of pressure and have an “interview” vibe to them, that is not conducive to creating emotional attraction and emotional connection.
However, if you and a man have already gotten to the point where you genuinely feel ready and willing to meet each other in person for the first time, then there’s every conceivable reason as to why it’s not only high value for you to offer to pay, it’s actually intelligent and can be self-serving to do so.
Yes, self serving.
In relationships, sometimes the most selfish thing you can do is to be selfless.
I’m suggesting that this strategy can actually help you eliminate the bad quality men faster.
But aren’t MEN supposed to show that they are willing to pay for the first date?
You may be thinking “I’m a woman, and I WANT to be pampered.”
Yes, of course, and so does every other woman out there.
But have a little think about this…
If you were to take a look around the internet in places where men are talking about women and dating, you’d find many alarmed men who have realised over time, that so many women they date just want a ticket to a ‘free meal’.
Can you imagine for a moment, (perhaps think unconventionally or have some compassion), and can you imagine how frustrated these men are that so many women they meet seem to be looking for this?
Just like in women’s forums, you see and hear frustrated women talking about men sending them dick pics or talking about sex on the first date.
Men have their frustrations, too.
I know many women are not ready to hear this. That’s OK. But my suggestion is here for you when you DO feel ready.
So, here are three reasons why it’s high value for you to offer to pay on the first date.
1) It shows that you’re not there to just take value.
Most women are used to (or even expect) the man to pay on the first date, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s the man after all, right?
Most good quality men will pay (which is always nice and allows a woman to feel at ease and relax a bit with him, slowly opening to trust him).
You see, I believe the majority of decent men who are serious about you and not just “interested” will not let you pay on the first date even if you offer, but especially if you offer to pay.
However, the majority of decent men are also smart and sensitive to whether a woman is there to just take value for herself or not.
Just because he pays for you, doesn’t mean he didn’t pick up on value-taking energy (if it was there).
I’ve said it before, you have to care about the man more than you do about his money to truly be a high value woman.
A truly high value woman has intrinsic value. She isn’t going around looking to take from men so that she can compensate for what she feels that she lacks in her life – whether that be status, money, popularity or competitive worthiness.
Most commitment-minded men aren’t stupid.
They do feel you. They do test you.
They test you JUST as much as you test them in the early days.
And you want to be able to stand out as high value, rather than a value-sucking leech (sorry for the negative terminology, but I’m sure you’ve experienced value-sucking leeches in your own life before, haven’t you?)
You see, I respect that a lot of women would never take what I am suggesting on board. And I suspect there’s a decent reason for that.
Reasons such as fear.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of being someone they never imagined themselves to be.
Fear of not being “feminine” enough because we feminine women are supposed to “receive” from men in order to be seen as feminine.
Yes, men highly value receptivity in a long-term partner. I think that’s obvious to many of us women whose eyes are open. However, that doesn’t mean that receptivity is feminine energy.
See, we have to be careful how we define things in our head, because we can get lost if we define them incorrectly.
I understand that for a lot of women, ‘receptivity’ is the general idea around feminine energy, but just hear me out on this one: it is not feminine nor masculine to receive.
In fact, the more evolved, intelligent and masculine a man is, the more receptive he has to be.
Receptivity is the lifeblood of any man who learns how best to protect and serve his family.
Here’s what I believe: I believe that the best protectors and providers are the most receptive. Can I give you an example?
My husband David is an exceedingly resourceful man, if you don’t mind me saying so.
Over many years, he has learned (through sleepless nights may I add) from the best, most trustable sources about finances and money.
And I’m talking about learning about asset allocation, investing, economics, and even sharemarket patterns.
He has now come to a point where (he has never solicited someone else’s decisions or advice about where to put our money), he makes most of the informed decisions about where to allocate our assets.
His decisions have caused us to thrive in a world where lots of people are chained to bad debt and unsure about the real economic reality of the world.
Now, in order to actually gain such knowledge and discernment, do you think he had to be receptive?
And do you think that in the process of, say, learning about money and currency and asset allocation, that he was in his “feminine”?
Or do you perhaps think he would be rather masculine in such a state of learning?
I’ll leave that for you to decide.
Finally, receptivity is also something that comes with being a person with gumption.
It comes with being a courageous, securely attached, non anxious human being. And that receptivity exists inside human-beings, feminine or masculine!
So, can we stop bastardising the idea of masculine and feminine now?
Back to my point that offering to pay for a coffee shows that you’re not there just to take value.
I have two sons, one is almost 7 and the other 4. The last thing I’d ever want is for them to perpetually waste their time on girls who love their money more than they love them.
And the same goes for if I had a daughter, of course. I am aware that there are low value men out there who want to be value-suckling leeches, and let a woman pay his way through life.
Yet even the most broke men won’t allow themselves to do that to a woman, IF they actually have value, and if he was into her.
The men of character would rather not date at all than to get comfortable living off a woman.
Try to remember that just because a man is broke, doesn’t automatically mean he is there just to take from you. A man’s character and high value is independent of his financial or economic situation.
Of course, I don’t just say all of this from the perspective of being a mom to two sons. I say it as a woman who, long before I had children, fell in love with a poor man.
It’s ok to want to be provided for, but if you have a value-taking mindset, your relationships will fail. Don’t expect to have any successful relationships, in fact.
Just before we move onto point number 2: you may ask: “What if the man is more traditional? What if he is offended by me offering to pay?”
That’s not a problem! Again, this offer is simply a gesture to show your good intent. It’s not an offer intended to emasculate him.
Like many things in life, it’s how you do it.
I’m definitely not suggesting that you grow a pair, wear the pants, and take full charge of paying the bill.
Quite the opposite. I’m suggesting you have the capacity to make a small offer, that is all.
Don’t let fear of offending a man get in the way of your good intent.
2) Men with money don’t care about money, they care about integrity.
Smart men with money are well aware that women will flock to them for their apparent monetary resources.
I mean, c’mon, you’re a woman, I’m a woman. We’ve both been alive long enough to remember at least a couple of girlfriends who were overly eager for a man’s money, flocking to the men they see as having money like bees to honey.
They assume they will live a comfortable life if the man has money. (nothing could be further from the truth, but that’s a conversation for another time).
These well-off men need a way to figure out which women are worth their energy and which are not.
Did you ever hear that story about Elvis Presley talking to his barber just two weeks before he died?
It was such a sad story!
Elvis confided in his hairdresser that throughout his life he was too rich and famous, and because of that, despite all the women he’d met and dated, he was never sure if any of them loved them for him, or just for his money (and fame).
Obviously not every man is Elvis Presley, but there are plenty of wealthy men out there, and you better believe it – many of them are careful and sensitive to how much you as a woman are there for the financial benefits.
A lot of women who are stuck in the mindset of looking for a man with lots of money don’t respect the money. It’s as if they have this subconscious idea that money grows on trees.
Most somewhat wealthy men work very hard for their money. Their money is very much attached to their blood, sweat and tears (and you as a woman who works hard for her money would know that too).
Of course, there are men who got wealthy on mommy or daddy’s money, and there are rich men who primarily use that money to manipulate women.
Are these rich men still high value, in your opinion?
Rich men can be just as toxic if not more toxic than average men with a modest income!
By the way, here are 10 Seemingly Harmless Signs Of A Toxic Relationship.
You don’t really want those kinds of men, do you?
You want a genuinely resourceful man who knows how to accumulate resources and money, right?
And that man is the man who will be looking out for your integrity.
What are you as a woman looking for when dating? Are you dating for resources or true love?
Even if a man has accumulated millions over the course of his life, most of them wouldn’t just hand over money (without simultaneously feeling how you respond to his gesture). A taking mindset, a taking energy, is pretty easy to sense.
So, remember that men with resources aren’t looking for your money. They don’t care about money. So, they would most likely never let you pay on the first date anyways.
Due to the fact that they have already accumulated resources for themselves, and are already successful, they will care a lot more about your integrity as a woman than they will about your few dollars treating them to a coffee.
3) You get to test him early on to find out his intent.
I find that a lot of women understand very well how to look for value from men. And that’s awesome.
Yet very few of them understand the value of testing men in perhaps unconventional ways.
What good is looking for value in men when you don’t test him as early as possible?
Think about it. As a woman, we often get attached to the men we spend time with.
Yes, this means that we can even get attached to jobless, broke, abusive, nasty and toxic men.
Yet we can also get attached to extremely rich, abusive, nasty and toxic men!
Sometimes we spend too much time with the wrong men!
And so, one skill (or tool) you want to be able to have is the ability to test his intent early on.
Offering to pay for a coffee on the first date is a good way to test a man.
Because it will magnify his intent to you. It will shine light upon his intentions and seriousness about you.
Also, because you take the risk of offering to pay for something (small), you will have MORE emotions attached to how he responds to your offer.
You may think this is a bad thing.
Just by taking that risk, your emotions will be heightened, thereby giving you a chance to make the choice about whether to meet him again, much quicker.
This is the same principle by which we teach women how to use high value banter in online dating.
High value banter allows women to swiftly filter out and remove the low value men from their lives.
And this is more important than ever! With the sheer number of people on dating apps looking only for hookups, high value banter is the only substantial way to weed out narcissistic, boring, low value and toxic men.
So. When it comes to meeting a man in person for a first date, we advise this test of offering to pay partly because your feelings will be more magnified due to your offering to pay.
Because you invested something small, you will build a strong association in your body towards this man.
And that’s not a bad thing.
If you offer to pay for the coffee, and he goes all wishy washy, hesitates and eventually actually LETS you pay for this first coffee date, then you know that either he is really not into you and you needn’t waste any more time, or he doesn’t actually have any intent to be serious about you.
You see, if it turns out that he is in fact a leech who is willing to sit back and take you up on your offer, great!
You get to feel the disgust and you will never waste another second on him again.
However, if you offer to pay for that coffee, and he says with full conviction “are you kidding me?! Move over, it’s on me.”
Then of course you will walk away with a beautiful smile and sense of joy, affection and affinity for him that reflects how well he passed your test.
And no, it is not bad to test people. We all test each other, especially in dating. So, do not worry about that.
The earlier you can test people in unconventional ways, the earlier you eliminate the wrong people.
And thank goodness. You don’t want to waste your life, your soul and your resources on wishy washy, half-assed or commitment-phobic men.
P.S. Connect with me on social media
Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
- Here’s The Feminine Woman Facebook page…
- Here’s my Instagram Pages TheFeminineWoman & My Personal Instagram.
P.P.S. Here are 7 Common Signs A Woman is Low Value in the Eyes of Men.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.