What to know how to appreciate a man? Seek to understand him first. Lead with your understanding.
With understanding, comes deeper appreciation – authentic appreciation!
One too many a woman has protested my advice in anger, stating that we shouldn’t have to appreciate or understand men, because what are men doing for US?
This is what they often ask me:
Why can’t men understand US first?
But Renee, what about the fact that not all men are the same?
I’m going to answer these valid questions, because I understand the hesitation to ‘go first’ and understand them, when your world seems to be full of men who aren’t good enough to be in a relationship with.
Women Must Be Protected From Being Taken Advantage Of By Men, Right?
Actually, understanding can accomplish the act of protecting yourself.
I don’t like to think of things in terms of self-protection only, because I believe in true vulnerability in relationships.
But if we are here trying to protect ourselves from men in our relationships, and that’s WHY we get so angry stating that MEN should understand women first…then ok…let’s talk in terms of self protection.
That brings me to my first thought:
Quite frankly, ignorance is not self protection.
Demanding that others understand us first, is not self protection.
It doesn’t GET anyone else to do anything for us out of love, it only gets other to do things for us out of guilt, which ends up backfiring on us a lot.
Because trying to guilt trip a person or demanding things from them is actively being insensitive to them, and even trying to cause them pain and suffering.
People can’t love us, let alone like us or commit to us if we try to make them suffer.
Ignorance Of Men Is A Casual Walk To Death In Our Relationships.
In my books, not seeking to go through the pain of understanding is a recipe for death in a relationship.
It’s just so easy to say ‘men should understand us’. I know we wish we felt safer to go first and understand them.
But if we are smart, which I know we are, then we KNOW that self protection in the highest quality form happens when we actively, genuinely, see the world from the other person’s point of view.
Well, because with this understanding comes greater attunement.
Then we can anticipate & predict their actions, know their motivations and be familiar with their worldview.
We can then also respect their needs rather than fear their actions, fearing their motivations, and fearing their needs.
Understanding men helps us be confident with men, to sit back and not have the same anxieties that other women do, and to stop acting possessive and needy – which really makes us feel depleted inside.
When we make decisions from fear like this and choose to expect understanding from a man all the time, (which nobody let alone a man really owes to us), they’re always going to make the wrong decisions.
Because we don’t live in a world that warrants a fight or flight response like this 24/7.
Unless we are in an abusive relationship – even then, reacting in fear often fuels the cycle of disrespect and abuse as well.
(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)
Avoiding Vulnerability Is Avoiding Relationships With Men Altogether
You know what? I believe that avoiding understanding of others is an active way of avoiding vulnerability; and that doesn’t work in relationships.
STRONG relationships are built when at least one of the people involved are willing to be totally vulnerable to the other.
After all, it’s easy not to trust invulnerable people; or people who are constantly trying to cover up their vulnerabilities. There’s a word for people like us in that state; and that word is ‘fake’.
Fake is ok sometimes. It’s just disastrous to make it a habit with everyone in our lives.
So, seeking understanding is genuine vulnerability. A lot of people ask me; what is vulnerability? Well, this is one way of being vulnerable. To seek understanding.
And here is How To Be Vulnerable Without Being NEEDY.
I Assure You That You Will Be OK If You Choose To Understand
And I just wanted to say; everything will be ok if you choose to understand a man first.
As hard as it is to try to understand another person’s world, you are not silly enough to get taken advantage of just because you sought understanding.
You are not that weak. Let other people believe that; your life is too precious for that garbage.
The Most Valuable Skill You Could Have in Life
Understanding others first is one of the most valuable skills you could have in life.
I remember once, I had a conversation with my husband and I asked him; ‘what is the one skill you would want our son to have at the age of 16-18?’
He thought about it and said:
‘The ability to see the world from other people’s point of view.”
Then he asked me ‘What about you?”
I smiled, and said;
“I was going to say the same thing.”
(Interestingly, we now have three sons, and I’d still say the same thing.)
As parents, we want our child to have the greatest quality of life possible, and of course, we want them to be as safe as possible.
And we know that, for example, when it comes to dating women, the worst thing a son (or a man) could have is no understanding of how women work.
And it’s not just a matter of; “he NEEDS to know how women work so he doesn’t get HURT”.
It’s a matter of him being a strong person because he went FIRST, and because he can have better interactions and better quality relationships (the thing that really matters in life).
Because he has been present and attuned with women; attuned to their feedback and to their internal motivations.
This helps him towards a quality of life that is infinite – because he gave himself the resources to go first.
By giving ourselves resources to go first means we are not at the mercy of our own stories in our head about how the relationship SHOULD be, versus how it REALLY is.
If I do my job as a mother well, then hopefully, he values going first.
And when he’s present and attuned to a woman’s needs, he will be more aware when a woman is bullshitting him.
He will understand the real reasons behind her actions despite the verbal “reasons” she gives for them. At least some of the time. I am aware that he has many years ahead of learning and he hasn’t even begun yet.
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CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
What’s the Opposite Of Seeking Understanding?
The opposite of seeking would be to shut off, go numb, just be angry, or even just be apathetic.
Regardless of whether my son’s physical body is alive or not, apathy is active death. I wouldn’t want to see that happen to my own children, and neither would I want to see it happen with you, or in the future generations.
Because I want my children to grow up in a world where people have emotional resources. I want them to grow up in a world where there are people who seek to understand, rather than blame or become apathetic.
You might say: But Not Every Man Is The Same!
Correct. That’s even more reason why we must seek to understand.
There are basic and different filters through which to seek to understand men.
One of these filters is in relationships is the masculine/feminine filter. 80% of men are more masculine at their core, and when a man and woman meet and are attracted to each other, this core comes out just naturally.
If we want attraction to continue, it’s an important filter through which to see things.
But there are also many other filters through which to seek to understand a man’s behaviour and to see why he is the way he is.
Some of these filters include the inner child filter, the parenting filter (how his parents’ treatment of him shaped his personality), the filter of the three human brains (lizard brain, mammalian brain, and human brain), and many other filters.
I use some of these filters in my member’s programs, and our members find them helpful in their relationships with men.
You can learn more about our Understanding Men program here.
Is Seeking Understanding Of Men Going To Make Me Change Myself or Be an Approval Seeker?
Would seeking to understand men equate to becoming a people pleaser or or seeking to drastically change myself?
Absolutely not to the question of becoming a pleaser.
Absolutely, yes! To the question of changing thyself.
Of course it will change you. It changes us all.
It’s a whole new world to delve in to. A fascinating world, and world of frustration and surprise and ‘ah hah’ moments.
Most of all, it’s a world of confidence and relief. Relief that our past patterns of anxieties related to men are not relevant anymore.
Relief that women have just as many mating and mate selection habits that cause men pain and hurt. Meaning, women aren’t the victims here; as is so popularly thought among modern women.
Does Choosing To Understand Men First Make You A Doormat?
Only if you aren’t attuned to him.
I mean attuned, not ear-tuned, hearing what he says, which will only confirm a false ‘story’ about him in our heads.
Attunement to a man is the answer to the dilemma of becoming a pleaser. Attunement is being connected to him and being responsive in your interactions with him.
It means that when a guy says things you want to hear, and they sound enticing, but your body feels that he isn’t genuine, then you trust what your body is telling you.
Here are the top red flags to look out for when dating men.
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”…Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
We Are Pleasers Because We Are Numb
Pleasers, including myself in the past, have become numb and confused. This numbness is not particularly safe though it feels safe, because you’ve insensitive.
When it becomes a habit though, it is a recipe for getting walked over.
Because when we are numb, we are (and never could be) never in tune with how the other person is really feeling.
All we hear is their words.
Remember the quote: ”a man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears” by Woodrow W?
Yeah. This quote is one to remind you that the real information about a man’s intentions (whether he is serious about you or not), is already there.
You just have to open your heart and body to the truth, you have to be attuned instead of shutting off.
See, information is always being delivered to you. You just have to receive it.
You don’t need to shut off from men in order to protect yourself from being hurt by men.
On the contrary! You need to become more sensitive, more curious, more attuned, and more interested in understanding THEM.
If you find that you have made the mistake of pointing the finger at men and demanding to be understood first, don’t worry.
If you feel so scared, so afraid and so vulnerable when dating men that you can never ‘go first’ and try to understand them first…It’s ok, every woman has been there.
You aren’t the exception, and it is so ok if you are there right now. If you are, it’s just permission to enter in to the new phase of your relationships.
Remember always with men:
As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.
We’ll take it one step further… Patterns speak louder than actions.
So feel into your body, receive the information that the universe is always trying to deliver to you.
Also, look for the patterns in his relationships and behaviour and you will see clearly. I know you will.
Would you love to know the answers to your questions about men? Click here to read more about our program Understanding Men program…
What is something you’ve learned about men, or about yourself, that has helped ease your worries? What are your honest views about understanding men first?
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.